The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

I leave the world of memories behind me, back in the fields and outskirts of Ponyville, as I walk through town. The market is open and I buy a few apples to snack on from Big Mac. We chat for a minute and he reminds me of the cider season coming up. I promise him that I will help and he thanks me with a free apple. I munch on the apples as I continue on my way to Twilight’s library.

Upon entering I find Twilight in the midst of a marathon reading session, dozens of books are scattered about and she seems to be reading several at once, utilizing her magic to both hold several hefty tomes aloft and split her concentration in twine so she could absorb as much information as possible. I clear my throat and then cough politely; I know how irritating it is to be interrupted while reading and I don’t want to upset my friend. Twilight looks up, her horn glows with a bright purplish aura, her eyes are completely white. For a second a fear that Zalgo has done a number on my unicorn friend but she proves my wild theories false as her magic dies down and her eyes return to their normal shades of purple.

“Hey.” She says while magically returning the books to their rightful spots on various shelves.

“Hey.” I reply as I sit down near her.

“So how was the party?”

“Pretty good, I got wasted and stoned so I don’t remember much.”

“Aw, well I have one other question for you.”

“Yes?”

“Well. Rainbow stopped by earlier and we talked.” Her gaze flicks rapidly from one thing to another, she looks at everything in the room, everything except for me that is. “So you two…” Her voice falters and she can’t bring herself to finish the question.

Oh shit. How bad did I fuck up by doing that with Dash? Am I going to be hated now? Shit.

“Is there a problem with that, am I going to get in trouble for it?”

“What? No, no, it’s just that… well it was unexpected and… and I …” she swings her leg lazily and looks at the ground.

“Twi.” She looks back up at me.

“Are you perhaps… jealous?”

“WHAT?!? NO, no, am just surprised is all. Really, that’s all.”

“OK then Twilight. Whatever you say.” I smile at the mare, I can read her like a book, speaking of which.

“I have a favor to ask you.”

“What would that be?” Her cheeks are still flushed and her voice is cracking a bit. Someone’s jelly.

“Actually I have two to ask; first I want you to teach me how to read Equestrian, both Royal and Standard, and second I would like to just talk some. Do you have time now?”

“Oh, sure. Let me go get some supplies, I’ll be right back.” All traces of the awkwardness from just a minute ago are gone; Twi practically skips over to a desk to retrieve several quills and a stack of parchment, from a nearby bookshelf she grabs an ancient nook with more indecipherable symbols on its cover. This should be fun.

For the next three hours she teaches me the symbols and I copy them down. I may only know as much as a foal when we’re done but that will be better than nothing. We work on Standard alone, Royal, she says, will be taught after I master Common. After the sun has slipped out of view we swap and I teach her my alphabet, writing the letters for her again and spelling out her and her friends names. We discuss politics and religion. I tell her all about Catholicism and democracy and she informs me about the Alicorn Diarchy and the former king and queen who had become Sheppard’s of a heavenly place.

Twilight tells me more about the princesses, Celestia and Luna, who raise the sun and the moon. I explain the science behind how earth rotates around the sun and how the moon rotates around the earth. We talk about our jobs, we both have several; I am a marine, an English and Latin professor, and a published author, she holds a dozen or so odd jobs around town besides her official one as librarian: scientist, lawyer, medical doctor, accountant, organizer for various town wide events and festivals, and a published author as well. Were I have written a dozen or so books and a few hundred short stories in the science fiction or fantasy genres, Twilight has written almost fifty articles about science and/or magic, and also has written the official biography of a famous unicorn, on Starswirl the bearded.

As midnight approaches our conversation derails from the sciences and our careers to our personal lives. I tell Twilight about Lizzie and my baby girl and she comforts me when I can no longer hold in my emotions. I end up falling asleep like that, weeping openly about my loss as Twilight holds me and listens. It’s not, cool, it’s not macho or manly to act like this but I don’t stop. Fuck the world, right now I just want to cry.

I sleep soundly, better than I have since I arrived here, and woke up in Twilight’s bed. This is becoming an increasingly strange habit, falling asleep with a pony, but at least all my clothes are still on.

I get up and walk downstairs to find Twilight and Spike in the kitchen eating breakfast. Twilight is kind enough to fetch me a cup of Joe and a bowl of oatmeal. I pour nearly a pound of sugar in both and enjoy my meal.

“So, are you feeling any better now, about losing your family I mean?”

“Yeah, I’ll always miss ’em but I think I can cope.”

“Well that’s good. and just remember, we all love you very much, you're like family to us all.” Twilight smiles warmly and Spike mumbles something about her being to ‘mushy’. “Thanks Twi, so what are we doing today?”

“Well,” She pulls a list off a counter and looks through it. “Cider season starts tomorrow so the Apple’s will need you there in the morning, the Spring festivities start next week so we need to gather up all the foals, you to Spike, and get them to Appleoosa for the month, but the only thing I have planned for today is a spa appointment with the girls. Would you like to join us?”

“Sure, as long as the others are OK with it, but won’t it be kinda weird having a guy there?”

“Oh no, not at all. Anyone can come to the spa and we’re used to communal showers so it wouldn’t be anything to far from the norm. so I can count you in?”

“Yeah, why the hell not.”

An hour later Twilight and I meet up with five of our friends at the Aloe&Lotus Spa in downtown Ponyville. We head in and pay for the ‘usual’ as Rarity calls it. The sisters who own the place look at me strangely but don’t tell me to leave or anything.

The ‘usual’ consists of a mani/pedi, mud baths, a full body massage, a steam in the sauna, and to wrap it up a long bath in mineral water.

Dash refuses to let the twins touch her hooves, funny; she had no qualms about it when I did it, and Fluttershy winces as they work on hers. Aloe looks at my raged nails and ponders just how to fix them, after a quick huddle with her sister and a unicorn employee, who conjures a few tools for them, they return and both work on me, Aloe on my hands and Lotus on my feet. I’ve never been one to like pampering but after all the shit I’ve been through recently it feels nice.

The mud bath pits are made to hold ponies not people so I opt out and doze on a comfortable chair while the others gossip. It’s just as well because I truly hate gossip; I pop my ear buds in and relax until we are ready for the next station.

The massage chairs are also made for ponies so I stay in my recliner as Lotus works on my shoulders and back, it’s odd, I would have thought that pony’s hooves would be hard, like horses, but instead they are soft and flexible yet firm and sturdy. Though I’ve never had a massage before to accurately compare this one to I will say that it is wonderful, my back feels so much better now.

The ponies, who are nude just like always, walk over to the sauna while I strip down and find a large towel big enough to cover my waist. A large towel for a pony is just enough to cover myself with. I know what Twilight said about communal showers but I’d rather not waltz in the buff, especially since most ponies are about eye level with my waist and also because Pinkie would probably maul me. I walk in to see five of them sprawled about the room; Rarity of course is sitting like a lady, the others positions range from conserved (Fluttershy and Twilight) to casual (Applejack and RD) and finally ‘I just don’t give a fuck’. The final pose involves lying with you back against a wall, having you legs spread eagled and doing precisely what the name entitles. I’ll let you guess who is seated like this. I sit down and lean against the wall both I keep my legs together.

“Darling, why the towel?” Rarity scoffs a bit as though I have broken some rule of fashion.

“Yeah, let it hang out.” RD says nonchalantly.

“You totally should!” Pinkie’s voice sounds a bit too sultry and I cross my legs, that is one reason for wearing the towel.

“We don’t care in the least.” Drawls Applejack, who has recently adopted the IJDGAF pose.

“Really, we don’t mind.” Twilight has a bit of an edge to her voice, like she’s trying to hide how bad she wants something. This is getting kind of weird.

“Meep!” everyone looks over to Fluttershy who is now hiding behind her hair. “Uh, it’s Ok with me I guess. That is if you want to I mean. Never mind, I’m sorry for bothering you.” Fluttershy squeaks out the last words and I can barley decipher them.

“Why do you all want to see me naked?” I ask casually, in the same way I would ask to see the sports section in the newspaper. I am suddenly assaulted by four voices protesting that they only wanted me to be comfortable, that they were thinking no such thing.

“I was thinking such a thing!” Pinkie proudly states. The rest of us facepalm/hoof.

“To be honest, so was i. sorry.” We all turn after hearing such a bold thing from Fluttershy. She smiles halfheartedly and sinks into a corner.

One by one the rest admit that they had the same intention.

“So Twilight, did you offer to bring me here for any reason other than to show me off to your friends?” I ask with a shameless smile.

“Well, I really did want you to enjoy a day at the spa. But no, that was the main reason.” Her purple cheeks turn a dark red and I laugh heartily.

“Oh, Lordy, what did I do to get sent here?” I chuckle and toss the towel that had covered my body. “Are you happy now?”

Five and a half pairs of eyes (Fluttershy is still partially hiding behind her hair) look at me. “Well?” I ask.

“Um.”

“Uh."

“It’s kinda…”

“Meep.”

“Darling, words escape me.”

“Dude, your dick is really small, what the hell?”

I nearly collapse I’m laughing so damn hard.

“Lafayette? Are you Ok?” Twilight looks terrified, maybe she thinks that Dash’s insult made me crack.

“You guys… think that... it’s small!!! I punctuate every few words with a laugh.

“Yeah, that’s what I said a minute ago, what happened? It was so much bigger last… I mean that’s what I heard from Pinkie Pie.” Dash attempts and fails to cover her stupid mistake. I laugh even harder.

“I don’t get it,” the yellow mare in the corner squeaks. “What’s so funny Lafe?”

“Im not hard in the least bit! That’s why it’s so small, and you thought that was all I had! Oh God that was funny.”

Rarity has the guts to interrupt my maniacal laughter and ask the question I’ve been waiting for. “Darling, I don’t mean to pry, but how big is it, exactly, when it’s… you know.”

“You really want to know?” five heads nod in answer to my question.

“Then ask Dash!” I crumple against the wall and laugh even harder. Everyone else looks to Dash expectantly.

“Hey, look over there! I think it’s princess Celestia!” we all look over at a wall and see nothing resembling the princess but we do hear a door open and close very quickly. We turn back to find the Rainbow is no longer in the sauna with us, this just makes me laugh even harder.

“Well, I guess Rainbow isn’t in the mood to answer question so that leaves it up to,” Rarity turns to the pink pony and points dramatically. “Pinkie Pie!”

“Oh, it’s about this long.” Pinkie holds her hooves about a foot apart from each other.

“Oh, come now Pinkie, don’t exaggerate, how big was it in real life?” I laugh harder than I thought I could.

“Why is Lafe still laughing?” Fluttershy asks.

“I’m laughing now because she isn’t exaggerating!” I double over and start to cough violently as I cackle. I get a hold of myself and take in a few deep breathes. The five mares in the room look at me, then to Pinkie, and finally to my lap. From the corner I hear Fluttershy speak.

“Um, would you like to come over later and pet my beaver? If you want to that is?”

I laugh so hard I think I may just die, here and now, naked in a sauna with five ponies staring at my junk.

“What time Fluttershy?”

Now everyone joins me in a round of side splitting laughter.

Twenty minutes after that we are all sitting in a large, swimming pool sized, bath tub. Dash has rejoined us and I decided to wear my boxer to prevent any more awkwardness. I’m still not sure if Fluttershy was seriously hitting on me or if I’m going to show up and find her with a family of beavers at her house, either way I’m going.

During the next hour we fill Dash in on what happened and I make Everypony Pinkie swear to not discuss anything that is said here. We joke and gossip a bit, and somehow end up discussing sex. Again.

“So Rainbow, when was your first time?”

“Uh, flight camp.”

“Really, I can’t believe that you were fooling around with boys at such a young age.” At rarity’s words Dash turns bright red.

“Well, it wasn’t boys. It may have been a girl, who may have been the griffin you all met last year.” Dash ducks her head under water and waits for the verbal abuse she is sure will come soon.

“Good for you dash! I’m glad you finally came out.” Twi smiles as she lifts the Pegasus back up magically.

“Wait, so you guys don’t mind, even though we were all naked in the sauna together?”

“No, Rainbow, you’re our friend, we wouldn’t judge. As to the sauna bit just keep your muzzle where it belongs and we’ll be fine.” Everyone laughs and Dash slides back down into the water with a snicker.

“What about you Pinkie? Who was your first?” I think rarity just may be getting off on this topic.

“Oh, well remember when I went to earth?” Twilight and I are the only ones to nod our heads. “Well I met Lafe there and ended up sleeping with him, so he was my first!” Pinkie smiles wider than physically possible as the others take her words in. Suddenly everyone looks at me.

“Wut?”

Rarity comes to my rescue and diverts everyone’s attention back to Pinkie. “Ok, but who was your first Stallion?”

“Oh, that would be Big Ma… I mean no one that any of you know.”

I laugh and Applejack face hooves. “’S OK Pinkie, my brother’s an adult, he can do what or who he wants. I aint mad at ya.”

“Oh, that’s great cuz your brother and I’ve done it like a hundred times!”

“Pinkie?”

“Yuppers?”

“Shut the hay up.”

Rarity regains control of the conversation before it can spiral out of control. “What about you Twilight?”

“Uh, I’ve never had sex before.”

“Oh, what about you Fluttershy? Who was you’re first?”

“Um, it was Caramel. He asked me out a while ago and he was just so sweet that I had to do something nice for him. So I did him.”

“Oh my, I didn’t expect that. Applejack?”

Applejack breaks her death glare at Pinkie to speak. “Was a feller I met in Canterlot a while back, I can’t remember his name.”

“Sure, sure. What about you Lafe?”

“My wife was the first woman I made love to, by the way, everyone’s told their story except for you.”

“Moi? I’ve never been with a stallion.”

“*Cough, cough* Bullshit, *Cough* Toby, *Cough, cough*.”

Rarity glares at me but confesses. We all laugh and continue chatting for the rest of the hour.

We wave and say goodbye and everyone heads towards their homes. Twilight leaves and I decide to walk with Fluttershy back to her place. Her face is beet red all the way there.

“So, why are you walking with me?”

“Maybe I want to see all your animals, maybe I just want to walk with a friend, maybe I want to pet that beaver after all.” Fluttershy ‘meeps’ again and tries desperately to keep her wings under control.

We walk side by side; Fluttershy actually walks rather than flies for whatever reason, all the way back to her house where I am invited in.

I stand in the living room as Fluttershy walks into the kitchen to get me something to eat. I look around and speak.

“I don’t see any beavers around here.” Fluttershy comes out of the kitchen, flying now, and corrects me.

You know what they say about the quiet ones.