The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Last night was the end of Twilights heat; it was also one of the craziest nights of my life. It takes me ten minutes to undo the ropes tying me to the bed and another five to get a pair of latex hooves and some maroon socks off of me. Don’t ask where they came from cause I have no fucking clue. My ass is sore again, this is happening way too often, and I find the cause of my rectal discomfort as I get out of bed; a two times life size strap on… appendage, that Twilight had way too much fun using. I yawn and head downstairs in my boxers.

I find my new marefriend cooking waffles for me and humming a familiar tune as she works the iron. I rub her back and kiss her cheek before sitting down in a new, hand built chair. It wobbles and is about as comfortable as a subway station bench but I made it myself and it holds my fat ass so I like it. Twilight joins me and we eat.

“How are you doing now that you’re out of heat?”

“Oh, as well as I could be I guess, I don’t think I’ll be in the mood for a couple weeks after last night though, it kind of spent my energy if you know what I mean.”

“Yep, my ass is still sore too. By the way, where the hell did all of those accessories come from?”

“Oh, I have a book that has summoning spells for such things. I didn’t go overboard did i?”

“Twilight, honey, you ran right over the side and dived in head first. S’ok though, I enjoyed it. Except for the fake hooves, that was kinda weird.”

Twilight blushes and giggles a bit. I’ve come to love that sound.

“Anyway I also wanted to ask; did all the mares in Ponyville go through this month?”

“Yes.”

“So that’s why the foals went to Applalowhateverthefuckitwascalled?”

“Appaloosa and yes.”

“Bufu fucking Egypt, I don’t care. So is Everypony done bucking their brains out yet?”

“Yep, in fact Rarity invited all of us over to Cul Anes for lunch since we haven’t seen each other for three weeks.”

“We gonna tell ’em there?”

“If you want to.”

“Cool, one more thing; I didn’t mind the strap on but for the love of God summon some lube for me next time. Mmmkay?”

“Ok.” Twilight chuckles and we finish our breakfast.

An hour and a half later we meet Everypony at Cul Anes. Toby has the day off so he’s dining with us rather than cooking for us. We get a huge table and Everypony sits down in pairs.

Twilight and I.

Rarity and Toby.

Fluttershy and Big Mac.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack. ‘Wut? This’ll be interesting.’

And finally Pinkie Pie and a tan stallion with a donut for a Mark.

We place our orders and Rarity offers a toast.

“Well the last three weeks have certainly been exciting, I do hope that Everypony had I good time, I know I did,” She winks at Toby who smiles shamelessly. “And will tell us all about it. Cheers!”

We raise our glasses and repeat.

Pinkie hops up and takes the first turn talking. I won’t repeat everything she says because 99% of it is either bullshit, completely irrelevant or incredibly vivid details of her new coltfriend. The only real important part is this.

“So then I jumped out of the cake and met Donut Joe. Oh one more thing!” Pinkie waves her hoof around to show off a gold bracelet. “HE PROPOSED!!!!!”

We clap and cheer and order champagne. After everyone calms down the next couple starts.

Fluttershy and Mac confirm their new relationship. I notice the odd looks traded back and forth by Mac and Joe and can easily guess the reason behind them.

Rarity and Toby talk for a few minutes and announce their plans to move in together.

Applejack and Dash come out to a round of applause and support.

And that leaves Twilight and I with everyone staring at us.

“Well,” I start. I stop as the door opens up and Twilight shouts.

“BBBFF!!”

BBBFF, whoever he is shouts back. “Twily!”

I look to Twilight for an explanation. “That’s my Big Brother Best Friend Forever Shining Armor, and my new sister too!” I turn back to see a light pink winged horned pony standing next to Shining Armor. I didn’t know that ponies could have both of those. “That’s princess Cadence, Shining’s wife.” Twilight says.

Shining and Cadance walk over and hug Twilight. Shining holds his hoof out to me and I shake it. “So you’re the ‘human’ I’ve heard so much about. It works out perfectly that you’re here, princess Celestia sent me to speak to you.”

“Pleasure to meet you Shining.” I reply.

Shining looks around the table at the obvious couples and back to Twilight and I. “Why are you here? I’m sure this dinner is just for couples.” He frowns. “Twily, what’s he doing here?”

“Well we were just about to get to that when you walked in BBBFF.” Twilight looks around the table, smiles, and points to me. “Everypony, I’d like you to meet my new boyfriend!”

Shit.

I wave pathetically and turn to Shining just in time to take a punch to the face.

When I wake up I learn the Shining is the captain of the royal Canterlot guards and a boxer as well. I kinda figured the second one out on my own.

Big Mac and Donut Joe help me to sit up; Twilight stands next to me in tears. My nose is broken so I grip it and put it back in place. It works but causes even more blood to flow out. Damn, I just ruined a good pair of clothes.

“Damn nice right hook you got there Shining. I haven’t been knocked out like that since high school.”

“I’m very sorry for punching you, I was out of line. But nopony, no human either, messes with my baby sis!”

“Shining,” Twilight chokes out in between sobs. “He wasn’t messing with me, I was the one who started it, I asked him out before Spring started.” She lies. “And then chose him to be my partner. Please don’t be upset with Lafe, I’m the one who got him into this.”

Shining looks at me. “Is this true?”

“Nope, she’s lying to cover my ass, she tried to jump me on the first night of Spring and I went along. I really do care for her though. So if you beat the ever loving shit out of me right now I won’t be mad, after all I’ve spent the last month bangin’ your sister, but I hope you won’t get mad at Twilight or try and break us up. That would be unfair to her.” I’m met with a solid punch to the gut as I finish.

“GODDAMMIT!” I gasp and roll into the fetal position; I think he just reorganized my internal organs.

“There, now we’re even, at least you're honest. Can you forgive me for overreacting sis?”

Twilight is speechless.

I sit back up and then stand.

“What about me? Can I keep dating Twilight?”

“Yeah, but you had better be good to her.” He offers his hoof to me again and I fist bump him.

“Thanks, you’re a cool guy bro, pack a mean punch to.”

“You’re welcome, and never call me ‘bro’ again though or I’ll break your spine.”

“Noted.”

Shining hugs Twilight and then pulls a scroll from his saddle bag.

“I have instructions to bring you to princesses Celestia and Luna immediately, Twily you can come to.”

“I need to change first; I’d rather not appear before royalty covered in my own blood.” Shining cringes but I just laugh. Rarity is kind enough to use a spell to instantly clean my clothes. “Mustn’t keep the princesses waiting now darling.” I thank her and turn back to Shining. Cadance, and Twilight.

“Let’s go, I’ll drive.”