The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

My dreams are filled with fire, fire so real and intense that I can feel the heat on my skin, I can feel the pain as my flesh is burned away, I can feel…

My nightmare is interrupted by something sharp jabbing into my shoulder repeatedly. I open my eyes and roll over to find that: A) I was covered in sweat; B) I had managed to fall off of the balcony during my sleep and was now in the middle of the library; and C) that a large purple lizard was clawing at me.

Believe it or not I’ve woken up to weirder shit; clowns, police, and a bull in my apartment for instance.

I sit up at look at the lizard that in turn looks up at me. We sit there and stare at each other for a minute before Twilight calls to us from upstairs.

“Spike! Say hello to Lafe, he’s our guest.”

I figure that she’s still in bed or maybe just waking up. I just back at the little guy, he’s an overgrown iguana maybe?

“Hi, I’m Lafayette.” I smile and reach out to pet him on the head but he smacks my hand away just as I start.

“My name is Spike, and I don’t appreciate being petted!”

I stop and gawk. Talking ponies was weird enough but talking lizards? Come on!

Actually I should have guessed that if one of the species here was sentient that others would be as well.

“Sorry.’ I mumble. “I didn’t know. So what are you anyway, some sort of iguana? A giant gecko?” He looks at me as though I were an idiot. I have a feeling that I’ll be getting that a lot soon.

“He’s a baby dragon!” Spike and I both turn to see Twilight walk down the stairs with several books held in her magical grasp.

“I’m three and a half years old Twi, I’m not a baby anymore!” he looked flustered as he proclaimed his maturity.

“That’s right.” I add. “He’s almost a toddler now.” Neither one knew what toddler meant but Spike took offense so Twi and I shared a quick laugh before assuring Spike that he was a growing… Dragon thing.

Twilight and I prepare to go into town, and introduce me to some of her friends, while Spike starts cooking breakfast. I haven’t eaten for almost two whole days and I’m a bit more than peckish. We eat oatmeal, yes pinkie I know it’s crazy, and some toast. It’s not much but it’ll hold me over until our next full meal.

We leave Spike behind to run the library, it’s actually a public library not a personal one as I had thought, and walk into town. I notice for the first time that Twilight wears no clothes, last time I walked with her I had failed to see this as I was preoccupied with being in a new world. I am decked out in half of my BDU, my boots, and pants but only a t shirt on top, and have my sidearm at my belt and my rifle across my back. I hope I won’t have need of either. I think of questioning Twilight on her lack of clothes but I shrug it off as a cultural thing, besides it’s not as if nudist colonies are unheard of on Earth.

In what I assume to be downtown I see very few shops, a bakery, a quill and sofa store, and a few other small businesses, and dozens of tents and stands set up in a plaza. I’ve spent a couple years in southern Mexico so I’m well acquainted with open markets and haggling. Twilight tells me that she needs to buy some groceries before we go to the boutique and that the Apples should be at their stand so I can meet them sometime soon. I’m not sure if the Apples are ponies or fruit but I agree to the detour and follow her through the maze of tables.

Even half deaf as I am I can hear ponies on each side of me hawking their goods; produce, utensils, cooking wear, more produce, spices, and even more produce.

“Twilight.” I repeat myself twice more before she responds. “What do you guys eat?”

“Oh, well we eat a lot of vegetables and a good deal of fruit. Oats and hay are a main staple of our diets too. Some flowering plants, like daisies and daffodils, are considered delicacies. Why do you ask?”

“I just wondered, also you should know now that I can’t eat hay or those flowers.”

“Why’s that?” the noise around us increases as we make our way towards an apple stand so I can just barely hear her words.

“Well it’s just human biochemistry. Hay and straw can’t be digested by our bodies and we can’t stomach flowers. I can’t give you any reasons beyond that because that’s the extent of my knowledge on the subject; I’m not a doctor you know.”

“OK then, are fruit and veggies alright?” her words are filled with real concern for my well being, part of me feels glad to have someone who cares for me, another part of me relates her tone to that of a pestering mother.

“Yeah, those are fine. Um, Twilight I think I should tell you this, Humans aren’t vegetarians, were omni…”

“What’s that? Oh we’re here, never mind. We can discuss it later.”

I start to tell her but I’m cut off by a yellow mare with a cowboy hat.

“What in tarnation are you?!” she speaks with a country accent and glares up at me. She seems on edge because of me and her posture confirms it. Where she had been slouched and relaxed she's now in an aggressive stance and ready to charge if necessary. I’ll admit that if I was with my family and a talking horse creature came to me I’d be prepared for a fight to.

Twilight introduced her as Applejack and her brother as Big Mac. A filly jumps up from behind their cart and tells me that she is Applebloom. I greet them all and tell them my name. Applejack apologizes for her startled behavior and Big Mac adds an ‘eeyuup’ before returning his attention to his costumers. The townsfolk seem disturbed by me and do their best to ignore me. Maybe it’s just because I’m with Twilight that they allow me to walk free.

Applebloom offers me some apples to buy and I pull out my wallet to pay. Twilight, Applejack, and Applebloom all watch as I hand over a five dollar bill to Mac. Not only does my money confuse him but it also stubbornly refuses to be grasped by his hoof. Twilight coughs a little and gives Mac several gold coins instead.

“It’s OK Lafayette, I’ll buy. What exactly are those green slips anyway?” I retrieve my five and open my wallet to show them all. I pull out a bill of each denomination and several coins.

“These are the bills and coins that my country uses as currency. The coins are one, five, ten, and twenty five cents. A hundred cents makes a dollar.” I point to each item as I say its name. “We call the coins Pennies, Nickels, Dimes, and quarters respectively. The bills are one, five, ten, twenty, and fifty dollars. Each different number had a different president’s face and picture of a government building or national monument. There is also a hundred dollar bill but I don’t have one on me.” I finish my lecture and all four ponies look at me. Little Applebloom is the first to speak.

“That’s really confusing!” Her accent is much stronger than her sister’s but I can still understand her. Mac clears his throat and speaks slowly; his words seem forced and broken. I wonder if he’s had a stroke or something.

“What my ’lil sis is trying to say is; our money is simple compared to yours. A gold bit could be called one, then a silver bit would be ten, and a jeweled bit would be fifty or a hundred depending on the gem in it.” With that he returns to his chores and leaves us alone.

“That’s somewhat simplified but he is right.” Twilight confirms his statement and starts on a speech of how the bits came to be in use but Applejack stopped her with a reminder that we needed to be on our way to Rarity’s.

With a curt goodbye we turn and head further down town.

I have a feeling that today will be a long day.