The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Princess Celestia takes a seat next to a dark blue winged unicorn, I assume Luna, and begins speaking.

“Lafayette, would you please tell us about yourself, how you came to Equestria, your plans now that you are here, and where your loyalties lie.”

I look over my shoulder at Twilight and her brother and sister in law. Seeing that they had no advise to give I turn to face Celestia and address her.

“Lafayette Ryder, master sergeant in the United States Marine Corps,” I tell her my ID number. “Twenty eight years of age, three hundred pounds, Roman Catholic, and a deceased citizen of the United States of America.”

“Deceased, how can that be? You’re standing here in front of us.” Celestia questions me.

“I was deployed in Iraq, during a routine resupply mission my convoy was ambushed and decimated, several vehicles, including the one I rode in, were destroyed by enemy explosives. I was killed and then somehow sent here, where I quite literally fell into Ponyville.” Everypony’s face soured as I described my death.

“I see,” Luna speaks for the first time. “What hath you been doing in Ponyville all this time, why hath you not sent word to mine sister and I about your arrival in our land?” She seems to keep slipping into a ‘Ye olden voice’, weird.

“I apologize, your highness, I was unaware that I needed to do any such thing and Captain Armor’s mission to collect me was the first time anyone said anything about speaking to either of you. As to what I have been doing in Ponyville, your student, one Twilight Sparkle, has been kind enough to let me stay in the library with her, I have been meeting the residents of the town and learning about Equestria.”

“Really?” Celestia sounds irritated at me. “Just what have you learned?”

“Twilight has taught me Common Equestrian, which I have all but mastered, and Royal Equestrian, which I am becoming quite proficient in. I have also learned about your currency and economy, as well as your government.”

“Is that all?”

“Yes your highness, I have been here for a little less than two months and a good deal off my time here has been spent familiarizing with the town and the townsfolk, resting due to injuries, and adjusting to my life here.”

“Mmm yes, you say that you are… were a Marine, what exactly is that?”

“The Marine Corps is a branch of my nation’s military equivalent to your royal guard with the only exception being that we protect the entire country rather than any specific groups such as government officials or royalty. We are also deployed to fight in any war in which the USA is participating, that was what I was doing when I was sent here.”

Luna speaks up again. “So that metal device upon yon shoulder, is it a weapon?”

“Yes, your majesty, it is a ballistic weapon called a rifle, specifically it is an M16 fully automatic assault rifle.”

“Would you care to demonstrate how it works for mine sister and I?”

“Certainly.” I grip my rifle and aim at an abandoned seat. I fire a burst of three and tear the wooden chair to bits. “When I pull the trigger the flammable powder in a casing is ignited which then propels a lead slug out from the end of the casing, down the barrel, and out to whatever is being shot at.” I point out each thing as I explain. “It can be a lethal weapon if used as one.”

“Captain Armor,” Celestia commands. “Please strip Sergeant Ryder of this ‘rifle’ immediately.” She addresses me again as Shining walks over to me. “Since you are not in the Equestrian Royal guard I cannot allow you to carry such weapons.” I hand the rifle to Shining without a fuss. “I understand fully princess. You’d better not drop that Shining; it could go off and shoot someone’s eye out.” I smile a bit at Shining’s sudden caution; it’s funny ’cause I already put the safety on. I’m also smiling because Celestia didn’t have my Desert Eagle confiscated.

Shining sets my M16 down next to him and resumes his watchful gaze as Celestia returns to speaking to me.

“My sister and I have found a spell that will transport you back to your home world; we will send you there after we are done here.” I see the tears in Twilights eyes and I know that I’m not leaving.

“With all due respect princess, I can’t return home.”

“For whatever reason?”

“I’m legally dead; they’ve already buried my body. If I were to return I would be lost. My friends saw me die, my wife and family witnessed the disposal of my remains, and my nation has me registered as deceased. I couldn’t explain to them how I came back to life, and they wouldn’t believe me if I did. The military would learn of it and find me, people don’t die and then just reappear, they would think me a deserter and demand answers, if I lied or avoided talking I would be court-martialed and imprisoned, if I told them the truth they would send me to an asylum. I’m dead, Celestia, I can’t go back.”

“That is… unfortunate Sergeant Ryder, because you cannot stay here in Equestria.”

“Why not?!?” I turn to see Twilight in tears as she yells at her mentor.

“You know very well why he cannot stay Twilight, ever since the first human wars I have declared their race banned from our kingdom.”

“But those humans where under the influence of Discord! He’s trapped in stone now; he can’t even communicate with anypony. Besides, Lafe doesn’t even know who Discord is or how he killed of all those humans, he’s innocent. You can’t send him away. I…I…”

I look from Twilight to Celestia. “Humans have been here before and you’re just now telling me? Who is ‘Discord’ and what happened to those humans? I have a right to know considering I am one.”

Twilight holds back a sob and explains. “Years ago, before Nightmare Moon,” I don’t know who this is but I notice Luna cringe at the name. “Discord brought humans here from earth. He ruled them and got them to fight each other, eventually they nearly destroyed themselves because of Discord’s influence. Celestia and Luna gathered up all those who survived the wars and sent them back to where they came from. You’re the first human to come here since.”

Celestia starts to confirm Twilight’s words.

“I tried to stop my wars but failed. I was forced to send them home afterwards, there was no other option, and I could not allow such bloodshed to stain my kingdom any further.”

I glare at her. “So you fought the humans? I thought that Twilight said they just fought each other.”

“I never once met the humans in battle, how dare you make such accusations, whatever made you say such a thing!?!”

“You called them ‘My wars’, we all heard you.” I look to the presiding bureaucrats and my friends for confirmation; they all nod their heads or mumble things to the affirmative. “If discord caused the wars and you never fought them, then why were they ‘your wars’?”

Celestia stares at me. “Damn, I gave it away. Well no that that’s out I might as well tell the truth; Discord never started any wars, but I did.”

“What?” Dozens of ponies, Luna, Twilight, Shining, and Cadance among them, shout and yell. They can’t believe what their benevolent princess just said.

“I couldn’t let the humans stay; they were too great a risk. So I stirred them up and made them fight, when the majority of them were gone I forced the rest to leave. Humans are dangerous, they can’t live like we do, in peace and harmony, and they crave violence and destruction. They can’t be happy; they have to fill their lives with sorrow and pain. I couldn’t just banish them willy nilly so I caused the wars and used it as an excuse. Now we have a human here threatening to hurt our happiness, this I can’t allow.”

Celestia’s horn glows and she flaps her wings, lifting herself off the ground.

“But I’m sure you won’t go without a fight, and my guards are no match for you, so...”

The glowing aura around her horn pulses and a thousand shrieks meet our ears.

The stained glass windows that line each wall shatter and the creators of the shrieking swarm into the court room.

Hundreds of black and green, winged, horned, insectoid, pony shaped creatures cut through the air and surround me, from every angle thy cut me with their sharp wing tips and shove me with holy hooves. Their bodies are hard, as though an exoskeleton covers them, and as they begin to fly in a circle around me their torsos hit me, throwing me off balance and into another one of them. I feel like a pinball being knocked back and forth, I can already feel bruises joining the gashes all over my body from the pummeling I’m receiving.

“Stand down guards, these changelings are under my control now. Let them do as I have commanded them to.”

“But how?!? Queen Chrysalis rules the changelings!”

“Not anymore, after my defeat at captain Armor’s wedding I tracked her down and ‘dealt’ with her. The Changeling hives are mine to rule over now, I am the new hive queen!”

I can just make out what Celestia and Twilight shout over top of the incessant humming of insect wings and growling of hungry mouths. I feel teeth sink into my shoulder and suddenly feel cold, as if all of my happiness is being sucked out of the holes in my flesh. My legs give way beneath me and I fall to my knees, a Changeling clotheslines me and I slump to my side. Pain and fear mix inside me resulting in a burst of adrenaline flowing into my bloodstream. I pull my Desert eagle from its holster with my left hand and unsheathe my combat knife with my right. I flip the safety off and start firing into the crowd while stabbing and slicing legs at the same time. Bloodlust overcomes me as I hear the pained screaming of the dying bugs; I pull myself into a crouch and reload my pistol while still swinging my blade into everything that moves around me.

I load a round into the chamber and fire point blank into a Changelings face, blowing his entire head off of his shoulders. Blood sprays and covers me as I stand and continue to fire. Head shot after head shot is coupled with a knife into every buggering bastard that dares to come within my arms reach. I smile a bit as I catch some poor faggot’s neck with my knife and tear his throat out. I laugh as a single stupid fuck leaves the spinning vortex around me and tries to disarm me. I reward his bravery with a bullet to his chest and a knife blade lodging into his skull. I reload my sidearm again single handedly, stabbing at the pests flying around me as I do. I lift my arm up to fire again but am stopped by something slicing through my wrist. I hear the clack of metal hitting stone and look at my left arm. Instead of seeing five gloved fingers and a palm I see a bloody stump with a bit of bone sticking out and an odd hazel/green mist seeping from my veins.

“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!”

I scream as I start to cut and slash my way through the horde of hive minded cunts that separates me from safety, my friends, and Twilight. I shoulder my way into the vortex and stab everything I can, after what feels like an hour the last of the Changelings falls prey to my blades. It’s wing is torn off and it falls right in front of me. I watch for a moment as it tries to bite my leg. It looks up at me right as I bring my foot down onto and into its head.

I can’t feel my left arm but I know that I’m bleeding badly; you don’t lose a hand and walk it off without any threat of bleeding out. I know that bruises and gashes, some an inch deep and a foot long, cover my entire body. My pants are shredded and my shirt ceased to cling to my torso long ago. I look at my friends; they’re terrified of me, I look at Twilight, she must hate me. I turn and point a not so bloody stump at Celestia.

“You’re damn right about humans being violent, but guess what. We’re only violent when someone tries to hurt us or our loved ones or when some bitch sends a hundred fucking bugs to try and KILL US!! If you didn’t notice, I was doing just fucking fine in Ponyville, the most aggressive thing I did was scare some stupid little cunts that were torturing other foals. I’m not some monster unless I have to be. So fuck you Celestia. FUCK YOU!!”

Luna is horrified, so is everyone else I’m sure, but Celestia just looks annoyed.

“I have lived five thousand years, fought in more wars and taken more lives than you could possibly imagine. I’ve ruled this land for four thousand years, by myself for a full millenia of that time, and raised the sun every day. I’ve been insulted a hundred thousand times by thousands of ponies and dealt with a chaos god, but I’ve never met anyone, pony or otherwise, as rude and barbaric as you. For such sins as yours I'm sure you’ll burn in, oh what make believe place does your kind’s bullshit god sent you if your bad, hell was it? Yes, I’m sure you’ll burn in hell Sergeant Ryder, just like all of you filthy humans.”

Celestia flies over and lands in front of me, I walk up and whisper to her.

“I won’t be surprised in the least if I do go to hell, but you know what? When I get there I’m gonna stroll right through all the fire and brimstone, all the way to Satan himself. And I’m gonna tell Lucifer to get the FUCK outta my chair, and if ol’ scratch knows what’s good for him he’ll back the fuck up.” I hawk and spit right on her foot. “There’s a reason we Americans hate monarchies, it’s power hungry cunts like you.”

I turn around and walk away from the infuriated princess. I walk over to Twilight and drop down to a knee. I hug her and she hugs me.

“I love you Twilight.” I mutter.

“I love you too Lafe.” She replies.

“Let’s go hom…”

I keep speaking but no sound comes forth. Twilight looks at me and screams. I can’t hear her. I can’t hear anything.

Pressure builds around my body and an aura surrounds me. An aura the same color as Celestia’s magic. Suddenly I can’t breathe, I can’t move, and I can’t hear. But I can see.

I see Luna screaming.

I see Celestia smiling at me, her grin full of hate.

I see the bodies of all the Changelings I killed.

I see Shining and Cadance yelling.

I see Twilight crying out and trying to grab me.

I see Twilight.

I see an angel.

I see the dark.

I see nothing.