The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

I lay in a brand new bed, one made to hold heavy Earth ponies but used to hold my fat ass instead, and cuddle with Twilight. I didn’t notice her belly right away when I was teleported back but I can tell now that she’s pretty far into her pregnancy, if she were a human she’d be in the third trimester for sure. I’m gonna be a dad again soon and ill actually get to be a dad this time.

I rub Twilight’s shoulder absentmindedly and she mumbles in her sleep. I smile at her and look back out the window at the evening sky. Since I’ve been here I’ve been telling time just as I would back on earth but I’m finding it harder to do now that I’ve been here so long, unlike Earth, Equestria has twelve hour days with six hours of day and night yearlong except during the equinox’s. In one Earth day here I sleep twice for about five hours, eat four large meals and two small ones, and go into town twice. I’m still getting used to it and my sleep schedule has adjusted but one thing still bugs me.

Thirteen months.

Thirty days in a month here, ten months in a year. I’ve been gone for almost a full Earth year and for over an Equestrian year. I’ve arrived just in time to see the end of spring and the beginning of summer.

I’ve missed Pinkie Pie’s wedding, Toby proposing to Rarity, Big Mac and Fluttershy forming a polygamous union with Caramel, Dash’s acceptance into the WonderBolts, and the apple seasons I had promised to help out with. Most importantly I missed about four hundred days of spending time with Twilight. With God as my witness I swear ill make up for all of the things I’ve missed, especially the last one.

I rub Twilight’s enormous belly (Don’t tell her I described it like that, I’ll have to take an hour out of my day to convince her that she’s not fat. Again.) and can’t help but get a bit hard. Her teats are filled with milk and are quite large. What can I say? I’m a titty guy and my new fiancé has six of them!

“Stop it boner.” I whisper under my breath as I force my mind and my hand away from the subject of my affection.

“What was that?” Twilight asks groggily, I have no idea how she heard that.

“Nothing dear,” I lie. “Celly’s sun will be up soon, would you like me to start breakfast?”

“Yes please,” She replies while nuzzling my bare chest. “Hash browns sound great, and would you please stop calling the princess by that disrespectful nickname.”

“Never!” I whisper with gusto as I hop out of bed and leave Twilight with a kiss. Down stairs I find Spike helping Dinky find a book.

“A little early to be getting books isn’t it?”

“That’s what I told her,” Spike gripes. “But she insisted that she needed this darn book so I let her in, only now neither of us can find it!”

“I think I can help, what book do you need Dinkie?”

“A foal’s guide to magic and Advanced calculus for beginners.” She says casually, as if all little kids read college level books for fun.

“OK…” I walk over to a card catalogue and skim through it. “The first one is over there,” I take the opportunity to test my magic and levitate it over. “And the second one is over here,” I snap my fingers and teleport this one into my hand. “But before I give you this I want to know what you’re using it for. I can’t just give foals the knowledge to create atom bombs or anything without at least first knowing what they plan.”

“Why do you want to know something like that?” She asks confused.

“So I can build a fallout shelter beforehand.” I say.

“Oh, in that case I’ll tell you.” she pauses.

“Yes.” I say a bit impatiently.

Dinkie looks left and the right and then motions for me to lean down to her.

“I got my cutie mark last month.” She whispers into my ear.

“Really? I ask. “You’re flank still looks blank to me.”

Dinkie wiggles her legs a bit and I see a spell shimmer and fade, on the spot of fur it covered is a mathematical equation. E = mc2.

“I got this after reading a newspaper article about something called electricity and thinking about how it could go through metal but maybe not rubber. The problem is I don’t know what it means and I don’t want everyone to see my cutie mark and ask about it when I don’t know. So I’ve been reading all the books I could get to try and find out about it. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about it would you Mr. Lafayette?”

“Actually, I do. E = mc2, energy equals mass times the speed of light squared, times itself I mean, its physics.”

“Wut?” Spike, Dinkie, and Twilight, who I hadn’t noticed entering the room, say at once.

“Physics, you know, the study of matter and energy. All that fun sciency shit. Here, take these books with you Dinkie.” I summon several beginners’ textbooks from earth about the subject along with all of the math she would need to understand it. “Read through these, if your talent is physics it should be a cake walk, OK?”

“Ok.” She says and begins to struggle with her magic to get the books into her saddle bag.

“Here, lemme help you.” I tap the tip of her horn with my left index finger, a bright spark jumps from me to her. She gasps and throws the books across the room with her newfound magical abilities.

“Thanks!” She yells to us as she picks the books up in her telekinetic grasp and trots out of the library. I turn to Spike and Twilight.

“So what do you say we start breakfast?” I clap my hands together and grimace at the looks I’m getting.

“What? What did I do?” Spike turns tail without speaking and walks into the kitchen to prepare some food, Twilight just stares at me.

“You… you just molested Dinkie!”

“Wut?” Oh Jesus, what the fuck did I just do?

“You touched her horn! You sent your magic into her, that’s like the most intimate thing two unicorns can do! We’ve never even done it and we’re about to get married!”

“Well shit. Wait a second here, Celly did the same to me…” I shudder a bit at the Molestia memories. “Well maybe that’s not the best example. But all I did was jump start her natural abilities, and she didn’t seem upset about it at all.”

“That’s because she’s a filly, a little foal. When she grows up and learns just how private such contact is she’ll remember this and feel violated.”

“No she won’t.”

“What are you talking about? Of course she will remember…”

“NO Twilight, she won’t. I just erased her memory of the touch; she’ll keep her magic and be none the wiser. I would have never done something like that had I known. I’m sorry.”

“You did WHAT!??!”

“I erased her memory.”

“That…why… how could you even… do you KNOW what you’ve done?”

“Evidently not.”

“You…You…You!!”

“Twilight,” I snap my fingers.

“Uhhh… yes, what is it?”

“What were we just talking about?”

“Um… Getting some hash browns for breakfast?”

“Ok, I’ll cook.”

I walk into the kitchen where Spike is frying a couple eggs, apparently they’re OK to eat, and Twilight follows me. I start cooking the potatoes as she pours herself a glass of milk and Spike serves the eggs.

“So what’s the game plan for today?” I ask from the stove.

“The what?” Twilight questions.

“What I mean is what are we gonna do today?”

“Well I have a doctor’s appointment at noon, we’ll find out if it’s a colt or filly. Would you like to come with me?”

“Of course I would Twilight, it is my kid after all, and I really want to spend some time with you, I haven’t seen you in a year you know.” I wink at her and flip the food.

“I know, I really missed you. But at least you’re back now. Oh Pinkie wants you to come over to Sugarcube Corner later, will you?”

“Sure.”

I turn the stove off and give Twilight a generous helping of pan fried potato. I sit down between Spike and her and dig into my food as I turn a few thoughts around inside my head.

Touching a horn is that intimate huh? I guess I know what I’m doing tonight. Also I can’t believe I just Jedi mind tricked Twilight, that I completely erased her memory. That little trick may just came in handy, but I better not use it too often.

Twilight and I clean our plates and decide to go see Pinkie Pie, it’s the least I can do after missing her wedding. We bid our goodbyes to Spike and head out into the scorching morning heat.

At least it’s not the fucking moon.