The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Remember that thick skin Twilight gave me? Well it works great for keeping me hydrated and alive in this hundred and forty degree heat but it’s ass when it comes to keeping me feeling cool. I won’t die but Goddamn it feels like it.

“Hey Twi,” I say as we walk through town to Pinkie’s new house.

“Mmmhmm?” she replies without looking up.

“Is there any chance you could mod my skin a bit more?”

“Sure, what do you need?”

“Well it’s working just fine keeping me alive but I still feel miserable in this heat, it’s even worse now than it was before I… last spring I mean. Do you think you could alter it so I won’t feel the heat anymore?”

“Hmm, I don’t know, I’ve never tried anything like it before and other than the first spell I used on you I’ve never actually changed someponie’s physical structure. But now that you have magic you might be able to do something.”

“Yeah, maybe I can, but how?”

“You said that you could do things by just thinking and willing them to be done, right?”

“Yep.”

“Well then just imagine that the heat doesn’t affect you, or maybe that your skin can take it.”

“Ok, here goes nothing... AHHH GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT-SONSOFBITCHES-COCKSUCKER!!!!” I drop down to a knee and swear incoherently for a moment more. Every scar on my body blazes hazel green and tears open again, each new wound lengthens out and connects to others in a spider web of blood and magical aura. I scream loudly as the criss crossing lines stretch and cover all of my exposed flesh, beneath my clothes I feel the same thing happening too. The glow dies down and the pain and bleeding stop, my skin is redder than a ripe tomato and peeling.

“Did it work?!? Oh sweet Celestia! I mean are you OK Lafayette?” Twilight looks terrified, concerned, and most of all intrigued at the scientific results of my attempted self alteration. I look at her and smile.

“I can’t feel the heat anymore so I guess it worked.” I stand up and pat her on the head. “My sweet little scientist, searching for data first and checking to see if I’m even alive afterwards.” I chuckle and start walking towards Sugarcube Corner. “Come on; let’s go see Pinkie and then head to the hospital for your appointment.” Twilight nods her head and follows me albeit at a much slower pace.

“Uh, I can’t wait to have this foal; it’s really hard carrying this extra weight around. So what did you think of to change your skin?”

“I thought of an air conditioner blowing on me, now I feel like cold air is wafting over my body from every angle, it’s really nice. I think I can adjust the intensity of it to. Maybe if I jus... MOTHERFUCKER!!”

“What’s wrong?”

“It really fucking hurts! Every time I use my magic on my body it forces all my nerves into hyper drive or some shit.”

“Why don’t you alter them first?”

I stop in my tracks and facepalm. “For a genius I’m an idiot, thanks babe.” I twitch for a second and sigh. “It worked.”

“What do you mean by genius, Lafayette?”

“Hmm, what’s was that? I didn’t quite catch it. Wait a sec.” I tug on my ear and feel magic flow into like cold milk spilling on my skin. “That’s better; I can actually hear you know, what did you ask?”

“I asked what you meant when you said genius; I’ve never heard that word before.”

“I guess it’s a human word, a genius is someone with an advanced ability to learn and do, the only real way to measure it is with an IQ test, 120 is very intelligent and either 140 or 180 is genius, I forget which. At eight years old, that’s about equal to the CMC mind you, I tested at 150, at twenty five I tested at 195. So technically, despite my poor memory and hatred of mathematics, I’m a genius. That’s part of how I got the gig I had at Harvard University.”

“Interesting, I wonder if I would be labeled as a genius.”

“Probably, and you’d definitely be called a polymath.”

“What is that?”

“Someone with many talents that they have mastered, somepony who’s a doctor of medicine, science, and magic, a lawyer, an accountant, and a town organizer would surely qualify as one.”

Twilight blushes heavily. “Thanks. It’s nothing really though, I’ve been learning about that kind of stuff since I started reading. By the way, what was that Harvard place you spoke of?”

“Harvard University?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“It’s an Ivy League school, one of the fanciest, best, and most expensive institutions for higher learning in the US. I was a language professor there, I taught English, Latin, Greek, and Italian.”

“Wow,” Twilight looks in awe. “You know four completely different languages? Most ponies only know one, very few know two and besides the princesses I’m the only one I know of that can speak three!”

“Actually I speak even more than that. I can speak Russian, Spanish, French, and Klingon fluently; I also know a good deal of Portuguese, Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, Quenya, and Sindarin.” I stop when I realize that Twilight is no longer walking along beside me. I turn around and see her gawking at me, her jaw hanging lower than I would think possible and her eyes wide. She’s speechless. “Impressed?” I ask her, she nods.

“I don’t think anything anypony’s ever told me before has turned me on as much as what you just said! Thirteen languages, you really are a genius! ” She fidgets her hind legs a bit proving her statement.

“Just you wait till tonight then, I’ll only speak in Italian or maybe French… no fuck that, I’ll speak in Latin. Latin is my personal favorite.” Twilight bites her bottom lip and squees quietly. “Have I ever told you how much I love that sound?” I laugh and pat her head a bit, just barely nudging the base of her horn. She squees again and whimpers. “Come on now, let’s get to Pinkie’s place, we’ll work on language lessons later. Now are we going to Sugarcube Corner or Pinkie’s house?”

“Uhh, Pinkie’s house.” Twilight mumbles, still distracted from my teasing.

“Well then, lead the way!”