The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Orion sits at the head of the table next to his wife, Shining and Cadance sit across from where I stand, and Twilight sits in-between the boys facing her brother and sister in-law. I pull up a seat, magically modifying it to hold me as I do, and sit between Twi and Thaddeus. I try not to pick favorites but I have to pay more attention to him than his brother so naturally I give him more affection too. Orion, dad, says a quick and simple grace. We all say amen afterwards but I’m the only one to cross myself.

“Human Catholic prayer.” I explain when they all look at me strangely. Twilight already knows about it but her family doesn’t, I explain it further a bit to satisfy them and we begin to eat. Damn I’m getting old of being a vegetarian. I still get steak every time we eat at Cul Anes but otherwise I refrain from eating meat, besides eggs, for Twilight’s sake. Thaddeus and I are both on protein and vitamin supplements, brought to you by the Pony Nutrition Center (PNC), in order to keep our bodies functioning properly. But even though I don’t need meat anymore I still like it… a lot… and eating nothing but green leafy veggies can get old quick. Good thing I like salad at least.

I conjure some thousand island dressing to pour on my appetizer as Shining tells us about his upcoming promotion; next time I see him I’ll have to call him Commander Armor. ‘Jokes on you,’ I think. ‘I’m still three ranks above your ass!’

“So how are things in Ponyville?” Dazzle asks as she passes out garlic butter rolls, yummy, to everyone.

“Pretty good.” I say. “I’m building another annex for the library.”

“Interesting.” Orion quips.

“What’s going to be in it?” Cadance asks curiously.

“Books detailing the history of Earth, how mankind spread, evolved, and lived throughout the two thousand some years we’ve been around.” I tell her.

“And all the scientific, religious, and military happenings along the way.” Twilight adds. I glare at her.

“No.” I say definitively.

“Why not?” Shining asks. I sigh and look at him.

Shining, how long have you served in the military here?”

“Thirty two years.” He says proudly.

“How many tours of duty have you served during wars?”

“Uh, none. There have been no wars for the last thousand years in Equestria. The Changelings and you have been the closest things since then though the current situation with the Griffins may change that.” Shining looks upset for some reason.

“Exactly,” I say. “No wars, humans haven’t been that lucky. Our history is pretty much one big war occasionally interrupted by times of peace.”

“Surely you are exaggerating.” Dazzle says wearily.

“Nope, centuries of fighting, two world wars, one atomic bomb, a handful of civil wars, one in America even, and thousands of small conflicts between countries. Gang wars in every big city fill the void when armies are quiet, hell; when I last was there we were fighting a bunch of camel herders over a desert in the middle of nowhere over oil that they had and we wanted.”

“What’s this have to do with books?” Cadance questions, she seems very intrigued by all of this.

“It’s in human nature to fight. What I’m saying is that most of our history is; war. Almost all of our knowledge comes from war; one side wants to outsmart the other in some way and learns something useful in doing so. I say no to the books on military because Equestria and ponies on the whole are peaceful, you don’t need, and probably don’t want, to hear about a bunch of apes killing each other over glory, gold, or God.” I eat a forkful of pasta; it’s very good, buttery and zesty as well as salty and lemony. I’ll have to ask for the recipe.

I look up from my noodles to see five ponies staring at me.

“Something in my teeth?’ I ask innocently.

“So you’re censoring human literature from us because you think we can’t handle it?’ Cadance accuses angrily.

“Yep, call me SOPA.” They don’t get it. “Never mind.”

“Why would you want to do this?” Twilight asks me.

“Twi, do you know what the two most popular pastimes humans have are?” she and all the adults at the table shake their heads. “Plainly put it’s sex and violence. Everything we do, write, make, say, or even think revolves around one of those two things. Most people take these hobbies to perverse or dangerous levels, and most books, even histories and biographies, do that as well. So yes, I plan to censure the smut and excessive violence from ponykind. Trust me; I’m doing you a favor.”

We all eat without speaking for a few awkward minutes before Cadance breaks the silence.

“Name three things that we shouldn’t be allowed to read.” She’s not going to let this drop. I think for a moment and… “You can’t can you?” I sigh and speak.

“One; Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, about a man molesting a young girl, two; The 120 Days of Sodom by some French bastard whose name I forget, it’s about hedonism and ends with the brutal rape and murder of a few dozen young men and women in attempt at true gratification, and three; the Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer, it has nothing to do with you Twi,” I say to my already angered wife. “Which is about vampires, werewolves, pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality, and on the whole just isn’t very well written.” They all glare at me. “Happy now?” I ask Cadance. “I can go on you know, there are thousands of stories that aren’t appropriate for humans or ponies to read and most of them aren’t fiction. I will bring a good deal of mankind’s knowledge to this land but I hope you can understand why I plan to be so cautious with it. Oh, also when it comes to technology I have to be very careful.”

“Why?” Cadance asks annoyed.

“I can’t just dump digital tech on ponies who just discovered electricity a decade ago. Humans are a few hundred years ahead of you and it would be sensory overload. As it is there are too many humans addicted to television or the internet. So can you understand my reasons to censor my world from yours and slowly integrate things in?”

“I guess you’re right.” Cadance says reluctantly.

Our conversation steers away from one controversy to another as second helpings of pasta, I’m already on my third helpings, are passed out.

“Well I have some unfortunate news to share,” Shining says and we all look to him. “The princesses and their council reached a vote this morning; we’re at war with the Griffins.” Dazzle and Twilight gasp, Orion swears under his breath and Cadance…smiles. How odd. My brother looks at me. “I had planned to tell you all sooner but Lafe and Cadance kind of took charge of the topic.”

“Sorry.” We both apologize.

“So why exactly are we going to war?” I ask him.

“Several reasons,” he starts to say but Cadance interrupts him with a cough. “Only a few of which I’m allowed to disclose to civilians, even if they are family.”

I clear my throat loudly and speak to Shining. “Don’t make me pull rank on you Captain.” He gulps and rectifies his statement.

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell you everything later. OK?” I nod. “Good, so what I can tell you all is that between drug smuggling, weapon shipments, and militia near the border of our nation Celestia has found it in our best interests to end these actions with a show of force. Several warnings have already been sent, received, and rejected by the tribe leaders in charge.”

“Any clue what tribes we’re fighting here?” I ask with my bruddas in mind.

“That I know of; BloodClaw, RavenMane, BloodGulch, RiverSpirit, GreenWind, MadDrakes, and the newly formed SilverWing/SharpBeak/RiledFeather tribes. The last three have formed a specific alliance and now go by the tribe name SilverSharpFeather. All together there are about twelve thousand soldiers and something like six hundred shamans and a council of twenty leaders. Between the Royal guard, Equestrian militia, the WonderBolts, the ShadowBolts and friendly griffins we are at about eight thousand strong but we have a secret…” Cadance thumps him under the table. “But we can handle it.” He says instead of whatever secret he nearly spilled.

“Well I’ll have to have a word with Celly and Jacob, the GreenWind…” I stop there to keep from calling them on accident. Again. “Are under my protection, if I tell them to cease any actions and cut all connections with this army they will do so.”

“Well, you’ll get that chance soon,” Cadance says to me. “After supper we’re heading to the castle and my laboratory.” I like the way she pronounces the word ‘la-bore-a-tory’ it reminds me of the British fellow I fought with in Iraq, I always did love his accent.

“Sweet,” I say and eat another forkful of pasta. “We’ll chat with the war council there and I’ll enlist as an actual soldier.”

“NO!” Twilight immediately refuses the thought.

“Why not?” Cadance and I ask at the same time. I give her a confused look but return to my wife.

“Twi, don’t worry about me. I’m practically immortal remember? I’ll be fine, besides I can teleport back to you every night, it would be no different than working out of town during the day. Twilight tries to think of a valid argument but can’t.

“OK,” she folds. “But I’ll expect you home in time for supper every single night!”

We all chuckle at that and start talking about other, less upsetting matters. Starbright can go into magic kindergarten in two months time, but Thaddeus won’t be old enough for another two Years. I tell the family of my plans to home school him as well as send him to Ponyville elementary school. He must know all things important to both humans and ponies. As soon as the boys can talk we will start teaching the both to read, I’ll teach English and Twi will teach Equestrian, and then human studies to both boys. Shining and Cadance are planning to conceive a foal next spring and Dazzle can’t wait for another grandfoal, one closer to her also, for her to visit. Orion tells us about the renovations at the Canterlot Royal library that he is in charge of as head librarian, I offer to donate a few choice books and he happily agrees. Dessert is passed out, gelatin of some sort, and we all dig in. It’s delicious and chewy, kind of like a cold toffee. The boys behave perfectly and eat all their food, though Thaddeus ends up with jello/toffee all over his face. I clean him up with a bit of magic and we discuss plans for the rest of the evening; Dazzle and Orion will watch the boys, I’ve already told them everything the need to know about caring for a human baby, the other four of us will visit Celly and Luna, and then Cadance and I will visit her lab. Neither Twi nor Shining have the security clearance to go there so they will go into town to shop and spend some quality brother/sister time together while I tour the lab.

Dessert is finished and we get up to go. Dazzle gives me a kiss on the cheek and Orion shakes my hand, for a second he hesitates about something and then decides to go for it, he gives me a one armed hug and tells me to have a goodnight, son. I hug him back and say bye, dad.

With Shining and Cadance in back and Twi next to me we pull away from the house and head towards Canterlot castle, Mom and dad, each holding a boy, wave to us as we go.

I smile as we leave; mom and dad, God it feels good to give people those titles and have them live up to the name. I pat Twi’s leg and follow my sister-in-law’s directions to the castle, in only ten minutes we show up at the front gate.

Several guards show up with weapons drawn, Shining pulls rank and orders them to stand down but they ignore him.

A large black stallion in ShadowBolt armor steps forward and reads off a scroll.

“Lafayette Ryder, you are charged with high treason for fraternizing with enemies of the Diarchy, you are hereby placed under arrest.”

“Fuck me.”