The all seeing E.I.E

“Fuck me.” I groan as the black ShadowBolt approaches. “No, you know what? Fuck you.” I snap my fingers and move the entire truck and everyone in it.

/\/\/\

Celestia sits on her throne listening to her council of advisers and her sister as they debate the best plan of action now that war had been declared against the Griffins.

‘Oh dear lord.’ She thinks unhappily. ‘Almost a thousand years of peace and now this! What to do, what to do? We don’t even have a standing military besides the Guards and none of them have ever even been in real combat. Hades, besides my siblings and I nopony in the land has ever really fought. Wait, nopony, nopony! That’s it!’ Celestia’s train of thought is derailed by her sister’s voice which has fully relapsed into Royal Canterlot speech. Dealing with everything else was bad enough but the outdated way of speaking truly ate away at her nerves. The princess of the sun takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. The repeated shouting in the olden tongue quickly spoils this attempt.

“Sister! Dost thou heareth mine words?”

“Forgive me Luna, my mind was elsewhere. What is it you said?”

“Mine words were these; what dost thou believe shout be done?”

Celestia rubs her temples with a free hoof and ponders the question, she had an answer just a moment ago but her sister’s yelling had scared it away, now it is lurking somewhere in the deepest, darkest, Mmm kinkiest recesses of her admittedly disturbed mind. ‘Something about nopony or was it about no one? No!’ She remembered. ‘Instead of nopony it was ‘someone’ and she knows just who that someone is.’

“Luna,” the Alicorn begins her address. “Council, I have a rather brilliant plan in store that will insure the swift, decisive victory we desire. Most importantly this will also prevent our militia from ever having to step into combat or losing even a single pony.”

“What do we need?” asks one of the council advisors.

“We need…SHIT!”

“Shit?” various council members repeat curiously. “I don’t see how that will help us out.” one says. Crashing sounds from above make everypony in the hall look up.

“SHIT!” They all agree with their princess.

\/\/\/

“SHIT!” we all yell as the truck pops into existence just above the roof to the throne room of the castle. We swear again as we fall down and through the ceiling. I stop us just before we land on a group of ponies.

“Sorry ’bout that,” I shout to them. “I’m still getting used to this whole magic thing.” I teleport the truck back outside and slowly drop down to the floor in front of Celly, Twi, Shining, And Cadance all float down on their own accord and land next to me.

“Heh,” I chuckle as I look at the destruction I caused. “Lemme just fix that up.” I point my hand at the gaping hole my truck left and force the lost pieces to rejoin the ceiling until it is whole once more. “That’s better.” I say as I turn to a very pissed off black ShadowBolt and find a spear at my throat.

“Hooves on your head and drop to your now or I’ll skewer you where you stand.” He looks serious. I glance over to see Twi and her siblings cowering under the weapons of more ShadowBolts, Shining looks fucking furious. I peak over to my left and see a shocked Celestia and a very pissed off Luna.

“Guards! What is the meaning of this?! I order you all to stand down now!” At least her damn accent dropped.

“Your majesty,” the black guard in front of me says. “We don’t take orders from you anymore.” He jabs my shoulder with the spear, eliciting a small trickle of blood, and looks over to my right at Cadance. “Mistress, what shall we do with the traitor?”

Mistress? Cadance? What the fuck?

“You…you…YOU,” she screams as she knocks back the soldier near her, the one I thought to be arresting her, and turns to the black stallion. “YOU STUPID FUCKING IMBECILE! Blueblood was the traitor, not Lafe. Just what in the hell are you doing? How in God’s name did you mistake ‘Prince bloody Blueblood’ for Lafayette the human’?” she’s panting and her horn is aglow. “You’ve messed up ALL of my plans, and now you’ve let my idiot brother get away!” she points at the open door where the pony in question must have fled through. The guard before me drops his spear and stutters.

“Mistress, please forgive me, the written orders clearly stated…”

“They clearly stated,” Interrupts Cadance. ‘That you fucked up royally! Now go chase that bastard down and bring him back to me. All of you. GO. NOW!” The guard that had been detaining me bows and flies out the door and the other ShadowBolts follow him.

“What the hay did I just miss?” Discord asks, looking back at the soaring Pegasi, as he walks through the door they just exited through.

“I have no idea.” Celestia states blankly as she trots over to him.

“Neither do I.” Luna says defensively as the chaos god looks to her.

“Not a fucking clue.” I shrug as he looks to me.

“Ugh,” Cadance groans loudly. “I can explain, but first I want everypony not related to me to bugger off.”

Almost everyone in the hall leaves.

“So sis,” I say as the last of the bureaucrats skedaddles the fuck away. “Just what the flying fuck happened back there?”

“Yes, please inform us.” Luna says angrily. “As to why my personal guards are now taking orders from you.”

“And why prince is Blueblood a traitor?” Celly asks.

“How about this one,” Discord offers. “What’s the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

“African or European?” I ask him, he shrugs.

“ENOUGH!” Shining armor shouts over us all. “How about everypony just SHUT THE HAY UP and you,” he points at his wife. “Tell us, from start to end, just what the buck is going on here!”

Everyone settles down and Cadance starts talking.

“A few years ago aunt Celly,” Celestia frowns a bit at the incorrect title but keeps quiet. “Placed me in Equestrian Intelligence and Espionage, E.I.E (Pronounced like eye) for short. Recently we discovered that Blueblood was trading national secrets for drugs from the Griffins. I hired the ShadowBolts to capture him because they are supposed to be the greatest covert operators this side of the Solar mountain range, but then they managed to turn a simple arrest completely balls up and let brother dearest escape. Luna, you can have your guards back after this is over, I don’t want them. I had planned for Lafe and I to be in the laboratory when Blueblood was caught and then have Lafe persuade him to disclose the information we need from him. Unfortunately nothing has gone as planned today.” She sighs and plops down on her haunches. “I was really hoping to recruit Lafe to utilize the information we got from him and maybe cut this war short.”

“Well, I have some good news for you,” I say. “Green wind boys!” I shout, a moment later Jacob and three other Griffins appear.

“Wat you be needin, bradda…Woah sheet! Wat de feck man?! You rattin da Greenwind bois out to de law?”

“No, nothing like that,” I assure the Griffins. “I just wanted to talk. Why is the GreenWind tribe in on this militia at the border?” I ask him.

“Dose udder Griffins, dey be doin bidness wit us, buyin reefer an roids an Dagon blud from us. We jus be doin bitness, makin coin, nuttin more. Us GreenWind bois show up at da base, we distraboot da goods, take dere coin, an we hightail it outta dere. We don wanna be in no war, we don wanna fight, we jus wanna cash in on dis ’ere opperatunity. Don ya see brudda?”

“Ok then,” I say. “Celly, what do you have to say about this?”

Celestia mumbles something to Discord and smiles. “Would the GreenWind tribe be willing to join Equestria?”

“wut you be meanin, mees preencess? Like a part a da cuntry? Like leegel citezens?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. I would be willing to grant your entire tribe citizenship if you’d be willing to help us out and then follow Equestrian laws later on.”

“Sound like a sweet deal ya got dere mees preencess, but watta we gotta do fo you? an wen we join up can we steel deal?”

“All I ask from you at the time being is to give us information on the other Griffin tribes; where they are, how many, how well trained and equipped they are, and other such things. Once you do this and the war ends you may sell Cannabis and any psychoactive plants you wish as long as you obey the laws and regulations concerning them.”

“An wat be dose laws an reegulatons?”

“Simply put; you can’t sell to anypony under the age of consent,”

“K.”

“You must provide recipts of all your sales,”

“Yea man,”

“And you must pay a tax to the Equestrian government for selling here.”

“Wait, wait, wait, hole up. How much tacks we be payin fo dat?”

“Fifteen percent of whatever your profits are.”

“So fo erry hunred coin we pay you fiteen?” Celestia nods. “Lemme tink bout et, buy a kilo fo twenny, sell et fo un hunred, profeet sitty five. OK den, you got youself a deal mees preencess! We help you wit wuterrer you be needin an den become citezens here!” the other two Griffins cheer. Jacob turns to them. “Marley, Wayne, you tu go back an teel all da Greenwind bois, but don teel nosoul else got et! Have em all cum down to Stalliongrad, we ceen stat up the bidness der, but tell em but da fiteen coin tacks for erry hunred, got et?”

“Yea man.” They say.

“Won love mah bruddas!” Jacob says and the other two disappear. “OK den mees preencess, wut you be needin to be knowin bout?”

“Let us retire to my chambers, where we can speak privately and not be overheard, Twilight, Captain, oh do forgive me, Commander Armor, you may accompany us, I grant you both level nine security clearance for the time being. Follow me if you would please Sir Jacob.”

“Ser? I lik da sound ah dat! Ser Jecob the Griffin, ser Jecob of the GreenWind, ser Jecob the ser!”

We all walk alongside Celestia and Luna through the palace to Celly’s room. While the room is large, three Alicorns, a Draconequus, a griffin, two ponies and a human seem to fill it up. Twilight sits next to me on the bay window seat, Shining and Cadance lay together on a sofa across from us. Jacob relaxes on the floor and Celly and Discord lounge on the bed. Luna is the only one still standing, she begins to pace nervously.

“What to do?” She keeps repeating.

‘What to do indeed?’