The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Warning: Gratuitous violence.

Sword in my left hand, Jeff in my right, and just because I’m still not badass enough I attach the SMG/gold/flamethrower to my wrist too, I walk into the tent.

“What the Fuc...GAHHHahhhurgle.” the griffins creams as I test out the SMG, I really need a good name for it. I look at the GreenWind boys and down to the now dissolving corpse

“Honey pot, I think I’ll call this lil beauty honey pot.” I look back to Jacob. “What do you guys think of the name?”

“Souns kinda ga…Gah!” Jacob and Marley both punch Wayne to shut him up.

“Love it brudda! Reel nice.” Jacob says nervously.

“Me likes it bra, ’sa gud name for a gun.” Marley brownnoses.

“Cool, now if you gentlemen will excuse me, imma go kill some Griffin fags and blow up some shit.”

“Have fun boss!” Wayne shouts as he and Marley fly off.

“Keel sum feckers fo meh, brudda. You be carful na, don go getting yoself keeled. Won love, ah’m out.” Jacob salutes me and flies off with his other bruddas. I radio Cadance and tell her that phase one is a success and phase two is ready to begin. I pull a bomb out of my fanny pack (That’s right, I wear a fanny pack into battle to hold my g-nades, extra ammo, spit stone, and sunscreen. What are you gonna do about it?) and arm it. I unfurl my wings and fly out of the tent, once I’m near the center of the base I fly straight up as high as I can go. The whole place has realized an intruder (Me) has broken past their defenses and several dozen have seen me but that doesn’t matter in the least to me. As soon as I can’t breathe I drop the bomb and jackknife to the side, I fly away from the barracks and to a nearby bunker as the C4 falls to the ground, just as I reach the fortified caverns I hear the explosion. I giggle and look back at the havoc I just caused, who knew two pounds of C4 could do so much damage? The guy who also stuck three sticks of dynamite, five incendiary grenades, I gallon zip lock bag of ‘Honey’ and a low yield nuclear device into the clay explosive, that’s who. I conjure up a pair of mirrored aviators and watch the beautiful, fiery catastrophe for a second.

The shouts of guards tear me away from the awe inspiring spectacle of a thousand mercenaries burning alive and screaming in agony. Without even turning I fire at and kill two Griffins behind me. The fire starts to spread and so does the smile on my lips, I turn just in time to block a Griffin’s sword with Jeff.

“Hello,” I say pleasantly as I disarm him of both his weapon and his limb. “Gorgeous weather we’re having isn’t it?” I bring Jeff crashing down onto the terrified soldiers shoulder, tearing away part of his wing. “I plan on picnicking with my children later on in the day,” I continue to speak soothingly as he bawls and clutches at his mutilated wing. This is an exercise in failure for the poor chap; he uses his only arm to hold his wing, loses his balance, and suddenly falls onto his face. “What are you plan’s for this fine evening?” I ask as I flip Jeff around and use his spikes to defeather the guard. He screams and begs for me to stop. “What’s that? A funeral, how sad. I have a feeling it will be a closed,” I slam Jeffery into the Griffins skull. “Casket.”

Someone shouts a name out and snarls at me, I just look at the soldiers to my right and smile. “How about you fellows, anyone planning any fun activities for the weekend, ransack, rape, kill, and plunder? Sounds like a grand ol’ time to me, there’s just one little problem.” I can feel Jeffery taking over. Dulcie and Dallas start to tell me not to give in but I ignore them. I let him. “This is my land, I’m the only one who can go on rampages and get away with it, so you can all,” I raise my arm and send semisolid ‘Honey’ to cover them all. “FUCK OFF, EAT SHIT, AND DIE!!” I cackle as the honey covered birdbrains drop, roll, and claw at themselves in pathetic, and useless, attempts to get the acidic goo off of them. I stroll by them as they die. I spit on one fucker, determined enough to claw at my leg, and with a single sweep of my sword behead him. I spear the head and hold it up to look in my slain foes eyes… um, well it’s only eye now, there’s a sword tip where the other one should be. “Hmm,” I hum. “Griffin kabobs.” I snap my fingers and the head bursts into flame, after a second a rip a chunk of flesh off and try it. “Tastes like deer. I’ll be damned; I’d have thought it taste like chicken. Who’d of thunk it?” I flick the head off of my sword and walk right past a group of traumatized soldiers. “I suggest you surrender now, otherwise I’ll just have to kill you all and I wouldn’t want any of you dying.” I flash them a toothy smile. “Even though I am still a wee bit hungry.” Weapons drop and the birds cower in fear. I walk into the bunker uncontested.

I waste thirteen more soldiers as I make my way deep into the building. I don’t even use my guns; I just swing at them when they close in on me. Damn, I need to work out more, my arms are sore already from swinging Jeff and… Slendy. I look at the now named sword, nice to meet you Slendy. Wanna go stab some people with me? Oh and slice, dice and slash too? OK then let’s go. I chuckle at Jeff, Slendy isn’t even real and he’s already making poor Jeffery jealous.

I cut my way through the maze of a cavern until I find the bunker within a bunker, a concrete bomb shelter with only one door, what kind of fool would design this place with such a fatal flaw? I burn down the door with honey (What’s that old phrase? Horrendously kill more corrupt Griffins with honey than with Molotov cocktails. Or was it something with flies and vinegar? Never mind, it’s not important.) and waltz in like I own the place. “Good afternoon gentle faggots,” I start too say in the underground bunker. “And goodnight motherfuckers.” I finish in the dungeons underneath Canterlot.

/\/\

A few ShadowBolts take care of binding the Griffin militia leaders and tossing them in cells while I contact Celly to tell her what happened. In five minutes She, Luna, Shining, and Cadance meet up with me.

Shining and Celly do a bit of good cop/ psycho rapist maniac on the first few guys but can’t get anything out. Cadance tries flirting but finds out that Griffin guys dislike pony girls. After watching Sergeant Nite Hawk (The same fucktard that arrested me and let Blueballs get away) beat the BloodGulch tribe leader half to death and still get no answers I am forced to intervene.

“Stop that shit, Goddammit! Don’t you know how to torture someone to elicit information correctly?”

Nite Hawk, Tia, Luna, And Cadance all shake their heads. Shining has already left to perform other duties.

“Well then, lemme show you the ropes.” I conjure a pair of pliers, a candle, and a dildo the size of my forearm and walk over to the MadDrakes leader. “Small joint manipulation is one of my personal favorites…” I say as they gather around me to watch as I bend and crush the Griffin’s toes.

Remember when I said that today would be a fun day? Oh God am I enjoying myself at the moment!