The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

I wake up in a wonderful mood; my beautiful wife is curled up in my arms, Starbright and Thaddeus are at the side of my bed trying to wake me up, and the horrendous torment I caused Manuel last night is still playing through my mind. If the coffee’s good I’ll chalk this up as a perfect morning.

I look down at the twins, little rascals, and think about Thaddeus. He’s still a baby and his brother can already walk, talk, and set shit on fire with his horn. “Hmm…’ I pick them both up and concentrate.

“AHHHH!” they both wail, waking Twilight up and scarring the shit out of me. They stop yelling and start playing with each other. They’re just fine.

“Wha, what just happened?” Twilight asks, fearing the boys are somehow horrendously injured.

“Calm down Twi, the boys are fine. Thaddeus just… grew up a bit is all.”

Twilight looks at our baby turned toddler. “What?”

“Mama, dada, motherfucker!” the twins shout. Twi facehoofes and I quickly erase that particular word from the boys’ vocabulary.

“You see, what I did was age Thaddeus three years. Now he and Starbright are both about four in a half in both mind and body, from what I can tell they will grow and develop, mentally and physically, at the same pace from now on. This way they can grow up together like they should.” I explain all this to Twilight as she groans under her breath.

“Fine, I guess this will have to do. It’s not like I can make you reverse it… wait can I make you reverse it?”

“Not a chance in hell.”

“Even if I,” She whispers into my ear.

“Still no, also, why the fuck would you consider that a treat for me?”

“Well I enjoyed it last time so I figured you did too.”

“Twi,” I say firmly. “Rarity is still pissed off at us about doing it at the boutique, the mayor threatened to imprison me, and no construction company will rent jackhammers or sell me demolition grade explosives anymore. Besides my ass still hurts from that.”

“Really?” she asks. “Two months later and it still hurts?”

“Yep, it hurts when I shit, burns when I pee, and for some reason my heart flutters every time I see a lawn chair.”

“Interesting.” Twilight ponders the scientific value of this data. “How about this?” she whisper something else, something much more kinky and pleasurable, into my ear.

“Still no.”

Dammit!”

“Dammit! Dammit!” the twins begin to shout, making their mother bury her face in her hooves and their father laugh and feel proud.

“Come on all of you,” I say as I get out of bed and levitate a pair of boxers on to my naked body. “I’m making waffles!”

“Yay! Woffels!” the boys shout as they and Twi follow me to the kitchen. My family sits down at the table as I cook breakfast for them all.

‘Jeffery’s gone.’ I hear a voice tell me. ‘He up and left your mind, we don’t know where he’s gone to or why.’ I recognize Dulcie’s voice and grin.

‘So be it. I was getting tired of the bastard anyway,’ I toss the first cooked waffle onto Twilight’s plate and start cooking a second one. ‘I’m glad he’s gone.’

‘Aren’t you worried about where he’s gone?’

‘Nope, not in the least. He’s someone else’s problem now.

/\/\/\/\

A hundred miles away, sitting in her room princes Celestia sneezes loudly.

“Ugh, I feel miserable; I must be coming down with something.” She blows her nose and prepares to raise the sun. “Careful, careful, oh good lord. Why can’t I keep this up? It keeps dipping lower… oh God!”

/\/\/\/\

A mile and a half away, in an apple orchard a large, red stallion chats with his husband and partner as they head out to check the apple trees.

“Sure is hot out Macky.”

“Eeyuup, I reckon it’s gonna be a hot week. We better go ahead and ask Lafe about that irrigation setup he said he could make us. Hey Carmel, you Ok? You don’t look so good. Carmel? Carmel!” Macky runs over to his fallen friend and lover. He’s still alive but he’s burning up. Now that he thinks about it, he’s sweating bullets at the moment too. Macky carries Carmel to his house and nearly breaks down the door getting in. “Shy? Shy! Where ar ya Shy, I need you! Carmel’s collapsed, I don know what’s wrong.” A light yellow mare walks into the kitchen to see what’s the matter and gasps at the sight before her eyes. She rushes to her husbands’ sides and places a damp cloth on Carmel’s head. “Oh dear Celestia,” Macky prays. “Please let ’im be OK, please let ’im be OK.”

/\/\/\/\

Back at my house I’m knocked out of my chair by a strong right hook out of nowhere. I sit up and feel my bruised eye.

“That’s for never calling me, asshole!” Pinkie shouts at me. “Oh, hi Twilight! How are you?”

“Uh?”

“Oh that’s nice; well I hafta go now, my Pinkie sense is tingling; shaky hoof, dry mouth, itchy plothole, and the sun dropping steadily. Yep, we’re all fucked!”

I try to ask what the fuck she was talking about but she was already gone. I look at my wife who just shrugs.

“Pinkie Pie.” We both say and settle the matter.