The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“Good morning daddy!”

“Mornin’ papa!”

“Wake up Lafayette!”

“Um, good morning…Lafe.”

I wake up to breakfast in bed and several smiling faces. Twilight’s curled up next to me, Starbright and Thaddeus are showing me the food they helped make, Dulcie is sitting on the edge of my bed with her mare friend, and Luna is smiling nervously.

“Thanks,” I say as I dig into a pepper and onion omelet and some hash browns, “so what’s the occasion?”

“Well…” Twilight starts.

“What mom’s trying to say,” Dulcie picks up, “is that you kinda went nuts the other day and we just wanna make sure you’re OK.”

“I’m feeling much better, much less crazy today so I’d say I’m OK.” I tell them all. “Good omelet by the way, who made it?”

“Um,” Luna mumbles shyly, ‘I did.”

“Thanks, so I take it that you two…” I point at my daughter and the princess of the night.

“Well, you see-” Luna struggles to find the right words.

“Yep!” Dulcie interrupts her with a big smile.

“That’s nice.” I smile at the new couple and take a bite of toast.

“Wait,” Luna seems confused, “so you aren’t mad or judgmental or anything?”

“Mad? Judgmental?” I laugh and take another bite of food. “I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again; I’m married to a pony, I’m in no position to judge others on their love lives. And no I’m not mad at all, in fact I’m happy for you two.” I look at Luna. “So long as you two don’t go on any motorcycle rides I’ll be just fine with your relationship.”

“Motorcycle…” Luna starts to ask.

“Inside joke, babe. Don’t worry about it.” Dulcie quickly explains.

I finish my food and move the now empty tray off my lap.

“If you’d all excuse me I need to get ready for the day. I’ve got a ton of shit to do and only a few hours to do it in.”

In only a few moments Twilight and I are left alone in our room. I hop out of bed and stretch; I can hear Twi purring to my side as I touch my toes.

“Quite possibly the weirdest thing about being married to you, a pony, is the fact that you purr like a damn cat every time you see me naked.” She stops purring and starts laughing.

“Mmmhmm, but you know you love it!” I kneel down to kiss her but get a tail swiped across my face instead. “I’ll be in the shower if you need me, you’re welcome to join me if you want.” I just hang my head and smile.

One exceptionally long shower later Twi and I get ready and head downstairs to the new dining room where Dulcie, Luna, and the boys are eating.

“Took your sweet time getting down here.” Dulcie comments over a bowl of chocolate cereal.

“Sorry,” I apologize to her, “I had to break in the new toilet and then Twi and I broke in the new shower, and the new bed, and the linen closet, and the Jacuzzi in your room, and the-”

“Fine, fine, enough already, I get it!” Dulcie shouts and blushes a deep auburn, Luna laughs quietly. “Wait, did you just say something about the Jacuzzi in my room?”

“Sure did,” I tell her, “and I must say I enjoy the massaging jets and that fuzzy loofah.”

Dulcie groans. “I can’t believe you two…wait, what about my loofah?”

“Nothing.” I lie. Twilight giggles.

“I need to get my own damn place.” Dulcie starts bitching.

“You’re more than welcome to stay in the castle with me.” Luna offers.

“If my dad keeps acting like this I may just take that offer up babe.”

I laugh and start to devour a fresh stack of pancakes.

“You just ate a full meal,” Dulcie notes, “how the fuck are you eating more?”

“MmmMmmmMm?” I mumble through a mouth of syrup and batter.

“Cuz he’s a marine,” a voice says, “and he’s a fatass to boot!”

“Feesh,” I say as I swallow my pancakes and turn to my friend, “I’m three hundred pounds of shear muscle and you’re two twenty of Twinkies and bacon cheeseburgers, I think that if anybody in this room’s a fatass it’s you.”

“Hah!” he laughs in his deep baritone voice. “Maybe, maybe, but remember who always gets the girls, speaking of which,” he leans over next to Dulcie and winks at her, “how you doing girl? Damn you sure are fine.”

“That’s my daughter you asshole,” I flip my friend the bird with both hands and he makes one of his dumbass gestures back at me, “and if you hadn’t noticed…”

“I’m taken.” Dulcie completes my sentence and wraps an arm around Luna for effect.

“Shit,” he draws the word out as he backs up and raises his hands in a ‘no harm, no foul’ gesture, “I never woulda guessed. Say, if you two fine looking ladies ever looking for a fella to help out, you jus call my na... ugh!” fish reels back as Dulcie throws an elbow for his crotch.

“No thanks, we got that covered already.” She looks at Luna and smiles wryly.

“”Hey babe,” Fish starts in again now that he’s a safe distance away, “those toys are nice an all but nothing can compare wit a real man, specially one as good as me!”

“Don’t you worry…Fish… I take good care of my girl; magic does have its benefits, if you know what I mean.” Luna grins mischievously at my bro.

I toss my napkin down and stand up. “Dammit, why does this keep happening? I don’t need to know the intimate details of my baby girls sex life,” I walk over and slap Fish on the back, “and I don’t want my best friend hitting on her either. Now what’s up Fish, what brought your black ass here?”

“Well cracka,” he smiles at the insults and keeps going, “I take it you pissed off a shit ton of dragons the other night?”

“Yeah… so what’s up?”

“Well a couple of ’em are in Haven lookin’ fo your pale ass, evidently they wanna have a word or two witchu.”

“Shit… well let’s go then.” I flex my fingers and change my attire to a more fitting choice. “I’ll drive.”

“Shotgun!” Dulcie calls.

“Shot- DAMMIT!” Fish swears.

I tell Twilight and the boys goodbye and hop into the truck. Fish ends up getting shotgun despite my baby girl’s call because she and Luna decide to sit together in back. We all wave as I tear out of my parking space and head out of Ponyville. We drive for a few minutes with no sounds other than the wind wiping through the open windows and the stereo bumping, we keep quiet until Haven and the First dragon come into view.

“Damn.” I mutter.

“Woah!” Dulcie and Luna say together.

“Mother of God,” Fish prays as he pulls his aviators down to get a better view of the colossus in front of us, “that motherfucka’s huge!”

“Yep.” I agree as we pull into town. “It sure is.”