The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

We all stare at the silver beast as we enter Haven, it’s hard not to notice considering it’s the largest thing in the town. I park next to the town hall and we all get out, Chuck Towery runs over to us from his station and tries to debrief us. I wait patiently as the pot-bellied police chief catches his breath and starts talking.

“Damn thing flew in just an hour ago, says his name is Solomon or something like that,” I can barely understand Chuck’s thick Texan accent as he speaks so I just read his lips and hope I’m understanding correctly. “The bastard flipped an empty bus over and demanded to talk to you in particular; he seems right angry about something or other. What’s going on Mr. Ryder?”

“I was recently involved in a…small dispute with a dragon horde and I think this Solomon guy may be a king or leader to the dragons,” I walk towards the western edge of the city where the silver dragon and it’s cohorts wait, “nothing for you to concern yourself with Chief, I can handle this, you just go keep people from panicking.”

“Yes sir!” Chuck salutes me and jogs away.

“Come on now,” I shout to Fish, Dulcie, and Luna, “let’s go talk to this guy.”

It’s a five minute walk over to the dragon and despite my slow pace I manage to get their first. I stroll up to the field where the five lizards are lounging and clear my throat loudly. I can already tell that they are arranged by rank so I address them formally.

“Master Gunnery Sergeant Lafayette Ryder requesting permission to speak freely to whoever called for me.”

“Puerqedno valietgh.” The nearest one growls at me.

“Permission granted,” the silver one translates to me, “it was I, Sujenymos, king of the Dragons, who called for you Sergeant. I received word that you raided a nest and slew all of my children there. Why did you do this?”

“A dragonoid abducted my son and fled to that nest, all I wanted was to retrieve my boy but the inhabitants of the mountain assaulted me, I fought back so I could reach the peak and rescue my child.”

“Damned dragonoids!” he roars. “I wish I could find the rabid quesnenk who bred with a human, I would make him pay for the monstrosities he bore! No offense, of course, to you or your kind, just to the ones in particular who committed such…I fail to find a word in either my language or yours to describe the intensity of the crime. Please forgive me for that.”

“No worries, I would like a word with whatever dirty Shisno fucked a dragon as well, such rampant actions are looked down upon by most civilizations, he could have at least made an honest dragon out of whomever he deflowered.”

Sujenymos laughs a deep, low laugh that resonates through the valley and can be felt in my chest like a deep bass dropping at a concert.

“I think I like you, your humor is akin to mine own,” he says, “but I fear that now I must punish you for your deeds regardless of their righteousness or necessity, for I cannot allow anyone to go about killing my children and destroying my nests. Do forgive me for this, under different circumstances I believe we could have been allies, good chums even, but oh well, no use wanting for things that cannot be.” He lifts one mighty paw high into the air and swats me like a fly. His strike sends me soaring towards the horizon and tumbling once I hit the ground. When I finally come to a standstill every bone in my body feels crushed and pulverized.

“Goddamn overgrown iguana!” I gripe as I heal myself and take to the skies once more only under my own consent and control this time. I fly faster and faster until I feel a cone of air form around me and break, I feel the boom as I break the sound barrier and laugh, or try to at least, I can’t hear a damn thing at these speeds. I rocket towards Haven and within moments I can see the outline of the silver shit who so rudely sent me packing. I steer right and…

“GAHHH!”

I slam right into the king’s torso and knock him right off of his feet. I climb over his chest and past his neck until I’m looking into his eye.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily, I’m like a roach, I just won’t die.” I smile and lift him back up. “Now I would like to be allies, friends even, but for that to work we have to stop trying to kill one another. How about this; I swear never to kill another dragon unless the situation forces me to and you promise to keep your children in line and never attack my people or the ponies for that matter.” I nod at princess Luna. “Deal?”

“Ugh…” Sujenymos shakes off the remaining pain from the impact and looks at me. “You’re strong, wise as well. I could see how such a treaty would be beneficial but I want more from this alliance if it is to exist.”

“Name your price.”

“My children are being molested, pestered you might say, by a race of rocs. They steal our eggs and kill hatchlings for sport. Do you think you could teach them to refrain from such actions?”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“We dragons are fast but not even the greatest of us could ever dream of catching a roc, not even the ponies you call the ‘WonderBolts’ could match these birds in speed or maneuverability. But you can, I just witnessed your powers, so go to the great sea and find the spires they nest on, kill all the oldest, largest ones you see, throw a few eggs from every batch unto the sharp stalagmites below, and steal back any dragon eggs you find. Do this and I will reward you greatly.”

“And what exactly is this reward?”

“An alliance between your people and my children, that and any one item from my personal horde of gems and jewels; that is your reward.”

“Deal.”

“King Sujenymos,” Luna speaks up and acquires the old dragon’s attention, “I am princess Luna, co-ruler of the Diarchy and bringer of the night. If Sergeant Lafayette does as he says he will do, something of which I am certain he can accomplish, can I expect a similar alliance between the dragons and my little ponies?”

“Whatever do you wish such an allegiance for? Is your nation at war, do you plan to start one, why do you want my children and I on your side? I am only joining with this human out of need and the possibility for a friendship. Why should I join with you as well?”

“My ponies have long feared your kind; I wish only to prevent there from ever being violence between our nations.”

“Hmm, may Zaranquenyes show her love to you and your kind-”

“May Zaranquenyes show her love to us all!” his cronies shout spontaneously.

“You have my words of honor, a peace will last between my children and your ponies as long as I still breath, after that I can promise nothing.” The king stretches his wings and prepares to leave. “The great dragon migration is soon to be upon us, I do hope we may use the fields near your human dwellings as a rest area, a camp ground of sorts, as we pass through. The soil here is rough and jagged, reminiscent of the shimmering stones I lay mine head on in the comfort of mine cave, and the black and white creatures you breed are most delectable. If each of mine children should bring one gem or slab of stone or bit of gold for your town might we utilize this land?”

“Certainly,” I agree, “but please don’t eat anymore of our cows, we need them for food ourselves. If you wish we could start breeding a new, larger animal for you and your family to feast on while here.”

“Excellent, I hope that you can deal with our roc problem before the migration occurs. I will speak to you again once I reach this spot with mine kin. Farewell humans, and ponies, and winged girls. May Zaranquenyes favor you.”

“May Zaranquenyes favor us all!” his companions shout again as they rise into the air and fly away towards the solar mountains. When they’re completely out of sight I turn and speak to those around me.

“Well it looks like we’re going bird hunting.”

“I think we’re gonna need a big shotgun.” Fish points out.

“Yep, well let’s go fetch Twi and then inform Tia about all this.” I finish.

We all get back into the truck and head for Ponyville, but not before reassuring Chuck and the town that everything was Ok, the sun is dipping by the time we get home and we have to stop so Luna can perform her duty. I look elsewhere when Dulcie helps Luna ‘concentrate’ on her task my rubbing her horn. After that short delay we race to town and nearly run over a sea foam green unicorn as we approach the library. I run in to get Twilight while Fish checks on the startled mare. I return a few minutes later after recruiting Spike, Applebloom, and AJ to watch the boys for us while we were gone. The latter two of the three were visiting Twi at the time. Twilight and I get in the truck and leave town. It’s not until we pass Haven again that I notice Fish’s disappearance and the stow away in the bed of the truck and by then it’s too late to head back. Twilight shouts at the mare and I finally recognize her.

“Lyra,” I ask, “just what the fuck are you doing?”

“Um…” she stutters. “Meeting a human, specifically the coolest human ever!”

I facepalm as we enter Canterlot city limits.

'The shit I have to deal with…'