The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

I sleep soundly and wake up at the usual time. I hear the showers running and notice that Twilight’s not in bed so I jump to a logical assumption and decide to play a little prank on my beloved. I tiptoe to the bathroom door and ease it open gently so that it makes no noise and then I sneak around the shower stealthily. In one fluid motion I step past the curtain, onto the wet ceramic, and grab Twilight’s plot with both hands.

My prank works almost perfectly; pleasuring me and scaring the living shit, not literally, out of Twilight, but there’s one small hitch in the plan which is entirely not my fault.

I stare in shock at the ass I’m holding, I had expected a deep purple plot but instead have one hand on and one hand in a black and blue buttock.

“Oh shi-” I manage to say before a strong, bucking kick knocks me off of my feet and into the tile wall behind me. I gasp and wheeze as an assaulted princess turns on me.

“WHAT IN EQUESTRIA?!?!” she screams in the royal Canterlot voice, or the volume at least. I just sit on the damp floor and try to breath.

“What the fuck?” Dulcie looks past her marefriend and at me.

I stare at the two young, beautiful, sopping wet, naked girls and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Why the fuck are you two using my shower?” I ask as I slowly stand up. Dulcie turns the water off and puts a hand on her hip.

“The hot water in my shower went out so-”

“So you’re fucking your girlfriend in mine instead.” I dead pan without even looking at them.

“Uh…” Luna stutters.

“Damn,” I mumble, “look at the size of this bruise you gave me. if only you two weren’t fucking maybe my ribs would still be intact and my spleen would still be in my abdomen.”

“We weren’t… doing that.” Luna argues lamely.

“Then what’s with the dildos and the lube and the…” I point at a ruined tan sponge. “My loofah mitt, seriously?”

“Fine!” Dulcie shouts at me. “We were fucking in your shower! Now will you leave?”

“Will you buy me a new loofah mitt?” I ask her as I mourn the loss of my old one.

“Yes, now will you-”

“It has to be just like this one.” I interrupt.

“Uh, why does it have to be just like that one,” Dulcie asks, “can’t it be any loofah?”

“Nope,” I tell her, “it has to be just like this one.”

“Why?” Luna suddenly inquires.

“A regular loofah can’t reach all the same places this one can.”

“GAHHH!” Luna and Dulcie both cry out.

“I put that-” Dulcie shouts.

“And I rubbed my-” Luna whimpers.

“What the hay is going on in-” Twilight sticks her head into the shower and stares at us in shock, “-here?” she finally says after a long pause. Luna, Dulcie, and I stare at her as she stares at us.

“They,” I point at my daughter and the princess, “were fucking and I,” I pat myself on the chest, “was bitching at them for fucking.” The staring contest continues. “Also, they ruined our loofah.” I hold up the slimy sponge and twilights gasps.

“That was my favorite loofah mitt! It could reach everywhere!” she whines, making Luna and Dulcie groan in disgust again. The staring match resumes.

“So…” Luna breaks the silence. “Should we go?”

“Yes.” Twi and I answer her as one. We stand aside as the two lovers leave the shower and exit the room quickly. Before I can even turn the water back on Dulcie peaks in again and asks for a towel which I chuck at her head. Once she’s gone I turn the hot water on full blast and Twilights joins me under the near scalding cascade after closing and locking the door.

“So what was all that about?” she asks.

“Oh, the hot water died in her shower so the two of them came in here to fuck but I thought it was you so I walked in and accidently goosed Luna and then we just started arguing. Did I mention they molested our loofah?”

“Yes, you did.” Twilight manipulates a bottle of shampoo and pours some on her back, being the nice guy I am I lather her up. “What are we going to do about those two?” she asks in exasperation.

“I honestly don’t know. I love Dulcie and I don’t want to have her move out but this shit is getting old quick.” I tell her. “Ouch.” I bitch as her tail brushes my side.

“Oh my gosh!” she exclaims when she sees the discoloration and bruising on my abdomen. “Are you OK?”

“I’m fine,” I wave her concerns off and rub my stomach gently, “just some broken ribs, internal bleeding, and possibly a misplaced spleen. Nothing to worry about.” Even as I’m saying this the black and blue marks fade and the bones reconnect. “See,” I point at my now healed body, “all better.” I take the shampoo that twilight had been using and apply some to my beard.

“What was that?” twilight asks suspiciously.

“I don’t have any hair on my head so I’m washing the hair on my face. Is that OK?”

“No,” she replies angrily, “I meant the healing yourself bit.”

“Oh, that? I healed myself with magic, big whoop.”

“Lafayette.”

“Yes?”

“Celestia sent me a letter this morning.”

“Doesn’t she usually do that?”

“Well yes, but this one was about your conversation with her last night.”

“Dammit.”

“She offered you immortality and you refused it.”

“What good would that be? I’d outlive you and the boys and all my friends, I don’t want that.”

“She could have altered the spell to make you live as long as-”

“No, Twilight, she couldn’t have.”

“What? That’s princess Celestia we’re talking about here; she can do anything!”

“She can’t change what God did.”

“What?”

“Humans ARE NOT MADE to live past a hundred years. Period. No amount of science, magic, or luck will change that and even if it could I still wouldn’t do it.”

“Why, don’t you want to be with us?” Twilight whispers.

I sigh and sit on the floor next to Twi so I’m eye level with her.

“No, I want nothing more than to spend all the time I can with you and the boys it’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

“My mind is already slipping. I can just barely hold onto it at the time being, I don’t know how well I can hold on five or ten years from now let alone a hundred. If I did live that long it would just be my body, a mindless automaton, not Lafayette, not the man you love, not me.”

“Are you serious?”

“Dead serious…literally…”

“So what exactly is going on in your mind?”

“The different personalities in there are splitting and tearing my mind as they do so. If they split all the way…”

“Then what?”

“Then my personality ceases to exist because it is part of each of them. I already feel part of me gone, the part that was Jeffery is dead now and one whole chunk of my personality is lost forever I think.”

“Wow.” Twilight sits back on her haunches and looks at me. “So you’re already…”

“Slipping. That’s what the old folks call it when it happens to them, they feel their minds slipping right away and when it goes they go with it.” I close my eyes to hide my tears but a pair of familiar lips against my own makes me look at Twi again.

“Fight it,” she whispers as she kisses me, “fight it and stay with us, at least until you’re old enough that it should start to happen. I won’t ask you to stay longer if you can’t but please, please stay with me for as long as you can.” She begs.

“Alright.” I promise her. “I’ll do that. Now come on, I got a lot of shit to do today.”

We finish showering and I dress. While I make the boys breakfast Twilight calls Rarity to watch the boys for us while we’re out. We say goodbye to Starry and Teddy and head out once Rarity and Toby show up. On our way out of town Twilight asks about the days agenda.

“Breed some super cows and some regular ones too, prepare for the dragon migration, change a few laws, and then hang a man.”

“Wait, what?”