The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“Isn’t this nice?” I ask as I cut up a large steak into bite size pieces for Thaddeus and I. “The whole family together for Sunday dinner and-”

*Cough* “Asshole.” *Cough* Dulcie interrupts me with an obviously fake coughing fit. I groan and hang my head.

“I already apologized a dozen times,” I say. “Will you please drop it?”

-Can I have the penetrator? - She asks in fluent Latin.

-I’ll get you your own. Now please stop this, we have guests. - I spit back at her.

“Thank you daddy!” she says sweetly, reverting to English and smiling as she does.

I smile to and look around the table, as I see the happy faces of my family my smile becomes less and less forced until it’s as natural as a bear shitting in the woods.

Twilight and the boys are on either side of my at the head of the table, Leeroy sits on the floor next to me and squawks occasionally, Dulcie and Luna, who’s damn near an official family member now considering how often she’s here, are on one side of the table while Dazzle and Orion sit opposite them, Shining and Cadance sit at the other end of the table, and an empty chair sits waiting next to Luna for her sister should she show up like she promised to.

Dinner was planned to start at seven, which is actually a few hours earlier than tradition here, and we waited for her until eight before we gave up and started to eat.

“She is very busy this time of year,” Luna argues for her sister’s sake as we sit down at the table, “she has to go through the censuses from every city to determine how much each household should pay in taxes for the year.”

“Really?” I ask her mildly bewildered. “Back on earth each household had to either figure their own taxes or pay to have a lawyer or firm do it for them. It was a huge pain in the…” I look at my children and my mother-in-law, “Butt.”

“Hmm, how odd.” Luna says in-between bites of her grilled fish.

“Wouldn’t that be difficult for average people to do?” Shining asks me.

“Yep, that’s why we have the IRS. They sort through things every year and audit anyone who cheats or messes up on their tax forms.” I tell him.

“That sounds awfully inefficient.” Twilight points out.

“That’s democracy for you,” I say, “the worst form of government except for all the others.”

“The Diarchy runs much smoother than that.” Cadance notes.

“Some of the books you gave me mentioned monarchies; don’t they run anywhere near as efficiently as our government?” Orion asks making me laugh. “What did I say?” he stares at me confused by his unintentional humor.

“Sorry, it’s just that human governments don’t work anything like yours.”

“Then how do they work?” Luna asks.

“Let’s see,” I scratch my beard and think, “democracy; a bunch of rich, white men get voted into power by the population and then do everything they can to stay there, make money, and occasionally help people out. Monarchies; a king or queen rules over an adoring public and does everything they can to stay there and ensure their kids stay there as well, oh and they sometimes do good too. Communism; works great in theory and in small, close knit groups, but fails miserably when applied to a country or used on a grand scale of any sort. Dictatorships always end badly because only one type of person becomes a dictator and he’s not the kind you want to have complete control over your life especially considering he’ll do anything to stay in power even if it means sacrificing half his people in order to save himself. And that’s about it.”I take another bite of steak before looking up; when I do I find seven ponies, two humans, and a jumbo sized chicken staring at me. “What?”

Shining starts chuckling without cause and the Orion and Luna join in. “You’re joking!” he says in. “You really had us going there for a minute with…all… of that…” the captain’s laughter dies down as he sees the serious looks on Dulcie’s face and my own. “You were kidding…right?” he asks lamely.

“No,” Dulcie says with a bit of sorrow in her voice, “he wasn’t, that’s what governments back home are really like.”

“Oh.” Shining says quietly.

“Why don’t you just do what we do?” Cadance offers. “Pick someone or a few people to rule as dictators who won’t abuse the post and will actually do good and then set them in charge for life.”

“Won’t work.” I tell her matter-of-factly.

“Why not? It works just fine here, isn’t that right auntie Luna?”

“It most certainly is.” Luna agrees.

“Oh,” I lean back in my chair and sigh, “several reasons; power corrupts and ultimate powers ultimately corrupts, there are far too few humans like Luna or Celly and most who are like them aren’t in any way fit to lead, Zarochracy could not work in the real world, and most importantly humans don’t live long enough for it to happen; you get one near perfect guy in office for maybe fifty years, he kicks the bucket and then you get some greedy tyrant in the making as a replacement. It just would not work.”

My family just stares at me.

“What?” Twilight finally asks somberly. I think for a minute and then it clicks.

“Oh, Zarochracy? It was a concept I came up with in high school for a project. It was a perfected government kind of like yours but made for humans, the only fatal flaws were finding a suitable candidate and then continually finding successors.”

“That’s…” Twilight stutters.

“That’s not what so meant when she said what.” Cadance finishes.

“Then what did she mean?” I ask cluelessly.

“Fifty years and then… passing on.” Dazzle answers.

“Well a good candidate would probably be in his thirties or maybe even his forties when he began and would probably have to retire somewhere between seventy or eighty due to physical and mental health issues. So yeah, fifty years in office max. Why’s that so strange?”

“Wha… what kind of ‘health issues’?” Luna asks quietly.

“Well, the human body starts wearing down around sixty years of age; deteriorating joints, weak bones, muscle loss, the heart weakens, skin thins, and the immune system doesn’t work so well anymore. And then the human mind has the nasty tendency to start going at around eighty or ninety; Alzheimer’s, dementia, general forgetfulness, and then for the few who live to a hundred or older their minds eventually just… go I guess. They can’t think, or speak or do and after a while their bodies catch up and they slip away. Humans just aren’t made to live much past a hundred years and the way my generation lived most didn’t even hit…” I stop talking when I hear the sobs from both sides of me. “What’s…?” I stop speaking because it hits me; the time gap! They must have never even considered it until now.

“Daddy?” Starbright sniffles and reaches over to hold my hand.

“Yes Starry?” I say using his favorite nick name.

“Are you gonna die soon?” he asks with tears in his eyes.

“No Starry, I’m not gonna die until I’m good and ready and that won’t be for a long, long time.”

“Promise?” Thaddeus asks.

“I promise.” I pat him on the back and remember something a friend once taught me. “Cross my heart, hope to live, so long as I’m here, all my love I’ll give.” I go through the motions perfectly despite not using them since kindergarten; cross chest, kiss fist, pat thigh, and then hug whoever you’re promising too.

“Why did you remake Pinkie’s promise?” Twilight asks suddenly, sorrow still mingling in with her words.

“Huh?” I mumble. “An old friend of mine taught me that when I was young, I’ve never even heard Pinkie use it.”

“How…odd.” Twilight remarks.

I put the boys to bed, hugging and kissing and promising once more that I won’t die for a long, long time to each of them. They’re asleep before I even turn the light off in their room. When I walk back into the kitchen Celly is there chatting with everyone and mom, dad, Shining, and Cadance are preparing to leave.

“Bye son.” Orion says with a hug and a gentle pat on the shoulder. I can tell what he’s thinking now; ‘My baby girl’s gonna be a widow when she’s still young…’

“Bye honey.” Dazzle says with a kiss to the cheek. I hear her thought too; ‘Oh goodness gracious how awful! And to think my grand baby’s going to go before I do!’

“See ya bro.” Shining says with a shake. ‘I’ve always protected Twily from every danger but I can’t protect her from the pain she’s going to face when his time comes.’

“Goodbye brother.” Cadance says with and affectionate yet chaste nuzzle. I notice the slight bulge of her stomach and know it’s not from eating too much salad or fish. I just smile and block out her thoughts about me because her’s would probably be the first to make me weep.

I wave to my adopted siblings and parents as they enter a royal coach and are flown home, I sit back down to talk to my wife, daughter, and two deity friends of mine, I bite my cheek, and I force myself not to breakdown right now despite all the pain and worry building up inside of me. I just barely succeed.

“Sorry for being so late,” Celestia apologizes sincerely, “I had to finish up those pesky tax reports before I could come down.”

“Yep,” I agree, “those pesky fuckin’ tax reports.” My voice cracks at the last word and I try to cover it up with a hollow cough.

“Is everything alright?” Celly asks, obviously concerned with my remake.

“Fine, just fine.” I tell her and twilight and most importantly myself. “But I think I left the grill on so I’d better go check that before it burns the house down.” I get up and walk to the patio door. “Again.” I mumble as I slid the glass door open and slip outside.

I stand in the dark for five minutes just staring at the grill until I hear the door open and shut again. I turn expecting to find Twi or Dulcie but instead see Tia walking out towards me.

“Is the grill alright?” she asks.

“Yep.” I nudge the metal stand with my bare foot. “It’s off alright, no chance of it exploding or catching fire or anything exciting like that.”

“Are you-”

“Yes,” I snarl at her, “I’m just fucking peachy keen OK?” I turn my back on her and fiddle with a knob on the grill.

Celestia sighs and walks around and back into my field of vision.

“Cut the shit,” she says, “Twilight told me about the mortality thing, the hundred years at best and all that and now you’re depressed because of it.”

“No,” I correct her, “I depressed because they know. Dying doesn’t scare me, not in the least. You know what scares me? Disappointing those I love, leaving them behind, not being there for them, fucking up and making them hate me, failing, life.” I chuckle. “Weird huh? Death doesn’t scare me, life does.”

“I can fix that.” Celly says gingerly.

“I can face my own fears thank you very much.”

“No, I meant the dying part.”

“What?”

“You’re already part Alicorn; born of the land, strong and resilient, graced by the sky to soar, and learned in the arcane ways of magic. All you need is the lifespan and-”

"No."

“What?”

“No, I’m not letting you turn me into some sort of immortal demigod. I’m going to live my life, hopefully well, and that’s that. No revival, no extra lives, no restart. When the games over you think about how fun it was and about all the good times you had playing it and then you move on to whatever’s next be it another game, for the better or worse, a fluffy cloud where you’re dressed in robes, wings and a halo, playing a harp or a fiery cave where you’re wearing overalls, getting stabbed in the ass with a pitchfork and playing accordions and banjos. I know I’m rambling but I have a point buried somewhere in there; I’m already on life number two, I don’t want to go for double or triple digits, I just want to enjoy the time I have here and then pass on. So no, I won’t even consider it.”

Celestia hangs her head and frowns as I plop down in a wicker lawn chair and feel my heart jump.

“If that is what you truly desire, do you not even wish to live as long as-”

“No, I said this earlier and I’ll say it now; humans aren’t built for more than a hundred years. We’re like cars, warranty expires at sixty and then everything breaks and once we hit so many miles every part of us is worn to the nub.”

“I could-”

“What? Patch me up? You don’t put a new motor in an old, beat to hell chassis, you do and then a good part lies in a bad frame, you replace that and next thing you know you have a completely new car.” I hold up my left hand for her to see. “I’m already part cyborg, part machine, part ghost. The last thing I want is to become nothing but a shadow of myself, a new mind in a new brain in a new head on a new body, Twi couldn’t love that, the boys couldn’t be raised by that, nothing good would come of that. Leave things well enough alone and they’ll work out in the end, it’s when you meddle with fate and destiny that bad shit happens.” I push myself out of the chair and walk back inside. “I’m getting a beer, you want one?” Tia nods and follows me into the kitchen. I grab four beers and a bottle of hard cider from the fridge and walk back into the dining room. I put on a fake smile and pass out the drinks. Everyone opens their bottles and I propose a toast.

“To living a life worthwhile.” We raise our bottles in cheers and piss the next few hours away.

It’s nearly midnight when Tia goes home and Luna and Dulcie hit the hay. I carry my lightweight wife, who is already highly intoxicated by a single beverage that wouldn’t even make me tipsy, to our room and lay her down in bed. I strip down and climb in next to her. She nuzzles me drunkenly and giggles as she starts to go down on me. I smile but pull her back up.

“Wut?” she slurs. “Don’t you wanna-”

“No,” I answer softly, “no, tonight I just want to lay here and snuggle with my wife until she falls asleep in my arms.” I embrace Twilight and pull her giggly self near to me. “I want to kiss her,” I kiss her gently on the neck and work my way up to her lips, stopping between everyone to speak again, “I want to feel her body against mine,” she scoots closer to me, “I want to see her beautiful smile,” she flashes me a mouthful of pearly whites and hiccups loudly, “and I want to tell her,” I kiss her on the mouth so lightly that my lips just barely brush hers, “that I love her,” I kiss her again, monger and more passionately this time, “more than she could possibly imagine,” again I kiss her, “and that I will,” I hold her tight and look deep into her eyes as I kiss her once more, “forever and ever, even after I’m dead and gone.” Our lips break apart and I smile as Twilight Sparkle Ryder, the one true love of my second life, falls asleep in my arms, smiling and crying all at once. I kiss her on the forehead just above her brow and just below her horn.

“Cross my heart and close my eyes,
Hope to die but pray to live,
So long as I’m here on earth,
To you all my love I’ll give.”

I sing quietly, so quietly that I can barely hear it myself, the words that my best friend taught a lifetime ago in kindergarten and before I know it I’m asleep too.