The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“Wake up Lafe.”

I blink my eyes and see a familiar lavender face in front of mine, I try to move but find my arms and legs bound magically by the purple mare straddling me.

“This is unexpected.”I tell her.

“What, don’t you like it when I surprise you like this?” she asks.

“I said ‘unexpected’ not ‘unliked’.” I tell her as she kisses me lovingly on the lips and begins to work her way down.

Forty minutes later we’re done, showered, and ready for the day. I wake the boys up as Twi starts breakfast.

“Morning daddy.” Teddy and Starbright tell me as they get up.

“Mama!” Leeroy squawks as he tackles me in a big, uh, chicken hug I guess I’d call it.

The four of us join Twi in the dining room and eat a delicious meal of pancakes, bacon, and eggs. I can’t help but think of Leeroy as a cannibal as he gobbles down his third platter of scrambled eggs. I smile at the flightless fowl and chuckle a little to myself.

“So dad,” Teddy says from across the table, “can we go with you and mom to see the dragons?”

“Yeah!” Starbright agrees with his brother’s idea. “I really wanna see Mr. Sujey again; he was cool!”

“Well,” I scratch my beard, “I dunno, what do you think Twi?” I ask.

“If one of you can conjure mommy a new telescope or tell me what Starswirl’s three laws of magic are I’ll let you come with us.

“Rule one; matter cannot be created, it can only be taken from one form and converted to another form.” Teddy says as his brother brings a tripod stand into existence.

“Rule two; while a pony’s actions or thoughts may be altered by magic they cannot be forever changed.” Starbright says as his brother summons a telescope and places it unto the tripod.

“And rule three is…um… I don’t remember.” Thaddeus confesses as Starbright adds extra bits and bobs to the now finished telescope.

“And then rule four is profit.” I finish sarcastically.

“I think you’re close enough,” Twi tells the boys while giving me the stink eye,” just remember that the third rule is that magic can neither take nor bestow life on any being.”

“So we can go?” the boys ask in unison.

“Sure thing.” I answer them.

“Fuck yeah!” Teddy shouts. Twilight scolds him for swearing but I’m laughing too damn loud to hear her.

An hour later the four of us, Leeroy chose to stay in Ponyville with Fluttershy instead of joining us, drive into Haven where we get a bit of a surprise.

“Daddy!” Dulcie shouts to me as I get out of the car. She flies over and gives me a big hug.

“Hey sweat heart,” I say to her, “what are you doing here?”

“Luna and Tia wanted to see Sujenymos, he’s an old friend of theirs, so I came with. What are you doing here?”

“Same thing,” I tell her, “king Sujey’s a new friend of mine and I wanted to stop by and say hi before he and the other dragons left for the next part of their migration.”

“Good to see you Lafayette and you as well Twilight.” I turn to see Celly walking over towards us.

“Hello Celestia!” Twilight says cheerfully.

“So you and Sujey are old buddies?” I ask the princess of the light.

“We most certainly are.” She informs me.

“Ever try and hit that?” I nudge her with a shoulder and wink, causing everyone near me to blush heavily.

“Indeed I did,” she confides to me quietly, “but his wives got a bit jealous.”

“Atta girl Molly!” I slap her on the back and laugh heartily.

We stroll on to the field and dragons move to let us through, in the middle of what appears to be an orgy we find Sujey and Discord chatting.

“What are they doing dad?” Teddy asks innocently.

“Having really kinky dragon sex.” I reply.

“Oh, ok then. I thought they were wrestling or something.” He tells me.

Sujey notices us as we approach the dozens of intertwined reptiles and growls loudly, within seconds the fuck fest has disbanded leaving only Discord, spike, an elderly purple and green dragon, and himself remaining in the clearing.

“Dear Celestia, and Sergeant and Mrs. Ryder, how wonderful to see you again.” He pats the ground next to him, motioning for us to sit down, and then points at the dragoness next to him. “I’d like for you to meet my eldest wife; Murgarsdhwa.

“Grenaga.” She says to us in Draconic. “Greetings.” The matriarch smiles warmly at us all and leans against her husband and Spike, in turn, leans against her.

“A pleasure to meet you ma’am.” I say, bowing politely. I turn towards Spike. “So how are you doing buddy; meeting your real parents for the first time?”

“I LOVE IT!” he shouts. “And I love them too!” he hugs his mother’s torso as he says it. She pats him and speaks softly.

“Angwe nys luwxe eh tugud.” I can only assume it means something motherly and kind.

Spike leaves his mother’s side and walks over to Twilight and I.

“They offered that I could come with them and live with them, they even said that they’d stop in Ponyville so I could say goodbye to everyone.” He looks into Twilight’s eyes. “Can I go Twi?” Twilight embraces him and cries for a moment.

“Yes,” she tells him, “you can go. Just make sure to visit whenever you can and to write me often ok?”

“Sure thing Twi,” he hugs her back and smiles, “thanks, thanks for everything you’ve done for me Twi.”

“No problem.” She says in-between sobs. “I love you Spike, like a brother.”

“I love you to Twi,” he replies,” like the big, naggy sister I’ve always had.” Twi giggles at the joke and lets go of her former number 1 assistant. “Bye.” Spike waves at us all and rejoins his mother as she rounds up all of Sujey’s other wives for the flight.

King Sujenymos himself walks over to us alongside Discord and Celestia.

“Hey there old chap!” Discord says as he nears me. “You won’t believe what we just found out.”

“What did you just find out?” I ask, taking the trickster’s bait and waiting for some pun or burn to befall me.

“As it turns out,” Sujey starts to explain, “Zaranquenyes had a partner with whom she conceived my brothers and I.”

“Let me guess…” I say with exaggerated flair.

“It was yours truly!” Discord shouts and spins flamboyantly.

“I cannot believe it!” I bullshit.

“It is unexpected.” Celestia agrees.

“Wait,” Twilight jumps into the conversation, “I thought that Zaranquenyes was a dragon-”

“Yeah,” Dulcie adds, “how the fuck would that even… you know…fit?”

“What?” Discord and Sujenymos ask together.

“No, no, no!” Discord says.

“Mother was a humanoid akin to your own people.” Sujey says, pointing at me for emphasis.

“But even if she had been a twenty ton girl I’d still have hit that,” Discord says, “after all I am a bit of a chubby chaser!” Celestia cuffs him on the head with a wing. “Of course I didn’t mean you darling dearest.” He says. As soon as Celly looks away he mouths ‘I did too mean her!’ and points at her behind to prove his statement.

While Twi, Dulcie, Luna, and I attempt, and fail, to keep from giggling Sujenymos speaks again.

“I would like to thank you once more, Sergeant Ryder.” He nods respectfully to me and begins to flap his mighty wings. “With any luck I’ll live to see you again soon.”

“Next year, same place and time?” I offer.

“That would be excellent.” He says as his harem of brides joins him.

We all watch as he and his family flies away towards the east.

“Now that they’re gone,” Celestia says as she walks over to me, “we need to speak in private.”

“What’s up?” I ask her as we leave the rest behind.

“I regret to inform you,” she pauses and sighs, “but it seems we’re at war once more.”

“Not this shit again.”