The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“Not this shit again.” I grumble at the untimely news. “Griffins fucking around again?”

“No,” Celestia whispers, “much, much worse.”

“What could be worse than a few thousand pissed off Griffins?” I ask.

“Try a million pissed off Orcs.” I look over to see Discord talking as he approaches us. “One million and seven to be precise.” The chaotic deity jokes.

“Stop it.” Tia commands.

“”Sorry,” discord says, folding his arms as he speaks, “I was just trying to lighten the mood.”

“Anyway,” I butt in, “why are there a million Orcs-”

“A million and seven.” Discord corrects me.

“Ok, why are there a million and seven Orcs preparing to go to war with us?” I finish asking.

“Not preparing,” Tia says soberly, “they’re already invading.”

“Ok, why?” I ask again.

“Because they’ve managed to kill off all their women and they want more,” Discord begins.

“And they have discovered that human women can breed with them to produce healthy, fertile offspring.” Tia concludes.

“So a million-” I flip off Discord as he begins to interrupt me, “- and seven horny Orcs are coming here to kidnap and fuck all of the human women?” I recap.

“That about sums it up.” Discord agrees.

“Goddammit.” I swear.

“Yep.” Discord acknowledges.

“We should have an hour or so before they arrive, will that be enough time to prepare?” Celestia asks me.

“Yeah,” I say, “that’ll be fine.” I snap my fingers and twitch madly as my armor fuses to my flesh and my wings protrude from the bony blades of my shoulders, even after the transformation is complete my body convulses from the strain.

“Daddy!” I hear Dulcie scream as she flies over to me. “Are you ok?” I try to answer her but just collapse instead.

“Motherfu-” I begin to swear but find I lack the breath to continue speaking such obscenities. I shudder and flop around on the ground like a dying fish as my daughter and three demigods watch in horror, doing nothing to help because there is nothing they can do. My muscles spasm and lock in painful positions; my legs and arms outstretched, my diaphragm held still, and my neck twisting to angles I’d previously thought impossible to achieve without breaking a multitude of vertebrae. I attempt to shout and scream but find that my jaw is unwilling to move, I try to gasp for air but discover that I can neither inhale nor exhale, I force myself to stay conscious but soon find the strain to be just too much.

Twilight and my boys rush over to me. They’re the last thing I see before everything fades to black.

<><><><><>

“Get up.” A gruff voice orders me.

I open my eyes and look straight up at the, presumed, owner of the voice.

“Wha… where am I?” I ask him.

“Dammit!” he barks. “I meant get up out there not in here!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I question his nonsensical statement.

“You’re awake in your head,” he says, spitting as he does, “you need to be awake out there, in reality.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m you.” he says.

“What?”

“I’m the real you,” he starts to explain, “not the ideal you, or the known you, I am the real you. No extra personalities, no exaggerated features, no lies or withheld information; I am a mirror image of you minus the smoke and magic and all that bullshit.” I take a second look at him and find that he’s not lying; he appears to be a fatter, meaner version of me who lacks my stoicism and most of my powers.

“What the fuck?!?”

“Not a pretty sight am I, or should I say ‘are you’?”

“Wut?”

“Don’t fret about it,” he says, “I’ll be gone here shortly.”

“What do you mean you’ll be gone?”

“I’m ditching you just like the others.” He expounds.

“What? Which others? Why are you leaving?”

He kneels down and looks me in the eyes with his own mutilated pair. “You already killed off Jeffery,” he holds up a single finger to represent the destroyed personality, “you brought Dallas from your mind and into the real world, that’s two,” he raises a second finger, “Dulcie left your mind when she came here,” he holds up a third finger, “all the ones that make up /B/ already abandoned you,” a fourth finger, “Molly’s getting ready to go,” a fifth finger, “and then that leaves me and the crybaby. That’s four out of seven parts gone and you’re already starting to fade. Molly’s gonna leave just as soon as the Orcs get here and imma go with her.” He laughs and stands back up. “And I don’t think you’ll last long with only lil miss sob story for a personality. I suggest you fix that sometime soon, but in the meantime-” he steps to my side and swings his leg forcefully, the kick connects with my ribs and I can feel several of them crack and a few break all the way, “-GET UP YOU LAZY FUCK!” He screams as I pass out yet again.

<><><><><>

A bright light flashes before my eyes and I instinctively cover my face form the blinding rays. It takes a moment for my lagging mind to realize where I am and what just happened; as soon as I do I sit bolt upright and shout.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!?”

“Lafayette,” a soothing voice from behind me speaks, “please calm down.”

“What happened daddy?”

“You ok bro?”

“We must hurry, the Orcs are advancing.”

I turn around to see the speakers; Twilight, Dulcie, Discord, and Celestia respectively.

“I’m calm, weird shit, no, fuck everything.” I answer all their questions rapidly in a single breath. I look up at each of their faces and see the worry, both for my personal wellbeing and for the safety of all the human women. “How long before they get here?” I ask Tia.

“A half hour,” she responds, “if we’re lucky.”

“Shit.” I mutter as I stand up.

“What’s wrong?” Twi and Dulcie ask.

“Orcs are invading Equestria,” I start to explain more but a quick glimpse of my lower body stops me. “Why am I naked?” I ask.

“Uh…” Dulcie looks away from my nude form and murmurs something incoherent.

“It was your armor.” Twilight explains. “When you put it on you began to have seizures or something so I took it off of you when after you feinted.

“I need that armor if I’m going to fight an entire fucking army of-”

“Jesus H. Christ!” a thick Texan accent cuts me off. “What in the hell is going on Mr. Governor?”

I look over at Sheriff Towery who must have just entered the room we’re in.

“Lots of shit.” I tell him. “Now listen here Chuck, I need you to go gather up everyone in Haven and get them in the bomb shelter-”

“We have a bomb shelter?” he asks suddenly.

“Yes, the entrance is the building with a sign marked “Emergency fucking bomb shelter”. Think you can find it?” I ask sarcastically.

“Uh, yes sir.” He confirms.

“Alrighty then, go get everyone in there.” I order him. He turns to leave but stops at the door.

“So why am I doing this Mr. Gov-”

“Because a fuck load of horny, overgrown, pissed off hobgoblins are coming here NOW.” I explain. “So go and do what I fucking told you too!”

“Yes sir,” he says, “right away sir!”

“Anyway,” I continue once the officer is gone, “I need that fucking armor to fight of that army so-” I snap my fingers and feel my wings and armor appear. I also feel the tremors begin to rack my body again. My appendages shake wildly and I’m sent sprawling to the ground once more. “Stay the fuck away!” I order as someone tries to pick me up. I lie on the floor for another minute as I seize uncontrollably until I finally regain my ability to hold still.

“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!” I scream as I stand again.

“Wha… what was that?” Twilight asks in terror.

“Fu… fucking P...Parkinson’s.” I stutter.

“What’s that?” my wife questions further.

“It’s a disease,” Dulcie explains, “that jacks up his nerves and muscles.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about it?” Twi asks.

“Because…because…” I fail to find the words I’m looking for in my fury. “Because I’m not fucking weak and I don’t need any goddamn sympathy about something that neither I nor any-fucking-one else can fix! That’s why!” I shout at everyone in the room.

“We could have help-” Twilight tries to comfort me.

“No you fucking couldn’t have!” I interrupt her. “Two dozen brilliant doctors and a motherfucking angel couldn’t help and neither can any of you.” I yell. “Now I want all of you to get the FUCK out of here before that god dammed Orcish army shows up and I lose my mind and start killing everything I see.” They hesitate. “FUCKING GO!” I command them.

I follow them out of the shop we had been in and into the street.

“Oh shit.” Discord swears.

I look in the same direction he’s looking to and see that he’s right; a million and seven warriors are marching straight towards us.

“God-fucking-dammit.” I mutter as they near.

With a barbaric scream of fury and hatred I charge into the forefront of the approaching phalanx of Orcs.

“When I’m done here,” I scream as I near them, “not a single one of you bastards will be left alive!”

The Orcs shout and yell in their own heathen tongues.

“I WILL KILL YOU ALL!” I rephrase myself.

And that’s just what I do.