The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Pinkie, God bless her, pulls party supplies from one of her many emergency stashes and sets a happy and tame affair up before I can even argue against it. I nearly resist but being here with all my family and friends around me seems to be a pretty good reason to celebrate so I just roll with it and help my overzealous friend decorate.

Once the necessary streamers and ribbons are in place I open my personal bar up and soon everyone is chatting and drinking and having a good time just being here.

I walk around and talk to all of my friends; discussing current events, explaining why I brought them all here, and sharing good news. I spend over an hour speaking with the various ponies who fill my life and brighten my day so I’ll sum it up quickly.

<><><><><>

My adoptive father, Orion, is retiring from the Canterlot Royal Library later this month, he and Dazzle plan to move to Haven and open a public library there.

Shining and Cadance will soon be parents and discuss naming their child after me.

Celly and Discord are debating when to publicly announce their plans to wed and ask me for advice. They end up deciding to tell the nation tomorrow at noon.

“Luna and Dulcie are busy planning their own wedding and ask me a dozen questions on how they should go through with it. They end up accepting my idea to have a small wedding with just friends and family followed by a large, fancy royal wedding before the nation.

Pinkie and Joe are moving back to Ponyville with their kids since their restaurant has become a successful chain and they can now retire happily. I promise to build them their dream house as a gift.

Big Mac and his family are doing well, at the moment they have offers from eight different other farming families to invest in and run a Sweet Acres farm. When the first deals go through they’ll be millionaires.

Rarity is going to keep running her Boutique as well as managing the new branches of it while Tobias will be taking time off from his career in order to care for their new foal.

Jacob and the GreenWind boys are living it up in a lap of luxury from all the money they’ve been making and I add to their profits a bit with a discreet purchase of some grade A hashish.

And that about wraps it up.

<><><><><>

The party ends and most everyone heads for home. Soon only My wife, my sleeping boys, and my baby girl are left. I put the boys to bed, kissing them each and telling them how much I love them as I do, and they wake up just long enough to speak back.

“Goodnight Teddy, I love you.” I say softly.

“I love you too dad!” he smiles at me and drifts to sleep.

“Night Starry, I love you too.” I say quietly.

“Night daddy, love you!” he giggles and snuggles under his blankets.

“Night Leeroy.” I say casually.

“Mama!” he squawks. “Love you Mama!”

“Love you to Leeroy.” I laugh and tell the bumbling bird.

I flip the light out in their room and walk out to the patio where Twi and Dulcie are drinking and chatting.

“Aren’t you a bit young to be drinking beer?” I ask as I steal an unopened can from my daughter and open it for myself.

“Daaad!” She whines jokingly. “Technically I’m older than you!”

“Fine,” I say and toss her another can, “but NO motorcycle driving for you tonight little miss.” She laughs and Twi look confused.

“Inside joke.” We explain to the perplexed purple pony.

“So what are you going to do now?” Dulcie asks me.

“I guess I’m just going to settle down, spend time with the boys, the two of you, and all my friends and just enjoy life.”

“I think she meant right now.” Twilight expounds.

“Well…” I pause and rub my temples. “You know how I said that the last personality couldn’t bother me?”

“Yeah.” Dulcie responds.

“No.” Twi answers.

“Well I was wrong. I can’t stand it.” I tell them.

“What can you do about it?” Twi asks.

“Not much,” I tell her, “unless…”

“Unless what?” my wife asks me.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” I tell them and disappear from sight.

<><><><><>

I blink back into existence in the middle of a white, spotlessly clean waiting room. I look around at the hundreds of pale, worried looking people but none of them take the least bit of notice to me. I pass by the bored people and find myself next to a long line for an escalator. I by pass the line and just fly up nest to the towering set of moving steps. Few of the men and women on it look at or even acknowledge me but most of the children see me and wave. I wave back to them all as I fly higher and higher until a layer of clouds blocks any further ascension. I ignore the obstacle and just plow through the soft, pillowy surface and to the other side. Astonished gasps and surprised shouts assail my ears from every side but I ignore them as well and just walk up to the pearly white gates and the white haired man holding an IPad next to them.

“Saint Peter I assume.” I say when I near him. He holds out a hand and I shake it.

“I most certainly am,” he tells me, “now might I ask why you’ve come barging up here today?”

“I need to speak with my wife.” I explain to him.

“Mrs. Elizebeth Ryder I presume.” He asks after scrolling through a few pages on his tablet.

“Yes sir, that’s her.” I confirm.

“You know that under most circumstance an ordinary fellow couldn’t come up here and demand to talk to a deceased loved one.” He scolds me.

“Yeah, but I’m not an ordinary man and my circumstances aren’t like most.” I tell him.

“Fair enough,” he shrugs his shoulders and opens the gates, “seems legit, go on in.”

“Thank you very much sir.” I say as I walk in.

“Think nothing of it my good man.” He shouts after me as I fly past the gates of heaven and into the heart of the afterlife.

I wave to the hard working saint and continue on my way, passing by happy people and smiling children, I guess heaven really is all it’s cracked up to be. I get a good deal of odd looks but no one stops me or even speaks to me as I meander though the city looking for Lizzie.

I’m crossing a street when a tap on my shoulder makes me turn around. I look uup at the man who stopped me and I gasp.

“Mother of God!” I exclaim.

“I do believe you’re mistaken,” the enormous bearded man in a white robe next to me says, “that would be Mary.”

“I’m very sorry sir it’s just that I didn’t expect to meet you personally while I was here.” I explain to him.

“You really expected to break into my city, kidnap one of my children, and not meet me?” he asks.

“Kind of,” I tell him, “yes.”

“Heh,” he lets loose a mighty, baritone laugh and claps me hard on the back, “well that plan obviously failed.”

“Yep.” I say nervously.

“Come with me son.” He sets a meaty hand on my shoulder and starts to steer me towards the center of the city.

After walking a few blocks with God almighty I raise the courage to speak again.

“So, um, where are we going?” I ask.

“I’m taking you to collect Elizebeth.” He answers without pause.

“Oh, Ok then. Wait, what?” Now I’m confused.

“You came here to talk with her and resolve that pesky multiple personality problem didn’t you?” he asks.

“Yeah…” I answer.

“Do you really think you could have seen her in such a sorrowful state as the one she is currently in and not stayed here?”

“Well… no.” I admit.

“But I need you to stay in Equestria, it’s important that you do that, so I’m letting you take her back.” He tells me as we near a building of pure white marble.

“Buh?” I mumble stupidly.

“Heh,” he laughs again as we climb the steps to the building, “I gave you a second life and I gave Dulcie four so it’s the least I can do to grant Elizebeth another life and allow her to spend more time with her family, besides, I owe her for all the work she’s done reorganizing my library. It was an awful mess before she got here and now it’s damn near perfect.”

God keeps talking as we walk into the main foyer of his library but his words fall on deaf ears.

“Lizzie.” I murmur when I see her quietly shelving books.

“Hmm,” God mutters, “I’ll finish explaining everything later, right now I think you should go to her.” I’m running towards my long lost wife before he can even finish his words. I hear him chuckle as I jump over tables and knock chairs out of my way but I don’t really think about it. Right now only one thing matters and that’s Lizzie.

She turns and sees me just as get close. A faint smile forms on her lips and the books in her grasp fall to the floor.

“Lafayette.” She whispers.

“Lizzie.” I cry out. I slow down and walk up to her. “I thought I’d never see you again.” I say.

“But I knew you would!” she says as I wrap my arms around and kiss her.

“That’s why I always listened to what you told me,” I say in-between kisses, “because you’re always right.” I hold her tight and I shed tears of joy. I have her back. I have Lizzie back.

“So,” she stops kissing me and looks into my eyes, “are you staying with me?”

“No.” I tell her. I wait until her tears turn from joy to pain and the first sob starts. “You’re coming with me.”

“What?” she asks startled at the abrupt announcement.

“I talked to God,” I point back at the towering figure behind me, “and he told me I could take you home with me.”

“Really?” she asks in disbelief.

“Really,” God walks over and places a hand on each of us, “you may return to Equestria with Lafayette for the rest of your days, but before you go I must explain a few important things.”

“Ok.” Lizzie says gleefully.

“Wait,” I interrupt, “what about Twi?”

“Who, wait, where? What?” Lizzie asks.

“After I died God sent me to the land of Equestria and while there I kind of, sort of, maybe got remarried.” I tell her.

“You what?” she says bluntly.

“Please do not be upset Elizebeth,” God intervenes, “it was in my plan for Lafayette to fall in love with Twilight, just as it is my plan to send him back to Equestria and raise his children; they will be very important in the approaching events.”

“I’m not mad,” Lizzie says, “actually I’m kind of excited, I always did like threesomes.”

I laugh heartily but stop with a sudden realization. “I don’t know if Twi-”

“The two of you had a three-way with her teacher,” God interrupts, “I think she’ll be fine with a second spouse, especially one with as much in common with her as Elizebeth has.”

“So then,” I say, taking a seat and letting Lizzie sit on my lap, “what all did we need to chat about before we head home?”

“Well,” God summons a chair built to suit his massive frame and then sits next to us, “only two things really. First I would like you to know that I’ll be raising the age restriction on the Equestrian Human mind from a hundred to two hundred, along with that I will redesign the body to function properly until then.”

“So all the Humans there now-” I start to say.

“All those there now and all of their descendants will live comfortably and healthily until, at minimum, the age of a hundred and ninety. I will grant you all the same gift I presented to Adam and Eve; no pain, nor illness, nor injury befall any of you so long as you bask in the light of goodness. Only evildoers will be stricken down with ailments and diseases.”

“Sounds good,” I say, “what else?”

“I want you to raise your sons, all three, to be strong and smart and good. Mold them into leaders, soldiers, and most importantly believers. Such qualities will be needed from them in the years to come and I entrust the two of you as well as Twilight to prepare them for it.”

“I think I can do that,” I tell him, “but, um, one more thing before we leave.”

“Go on.” He instructs me.

“About, uh, morality; what’s acceptable or not now that we’re in a new land with aliens?”

“I condone interspecies relationships as well as polygamy,” he explains, “and in case you are wondering I’m just fine with homosexuality and casual fornication as long as it does not become excessive or destructive.”

“So no orgies in the park?” Lizzie asks crestfallen at the loss.

“Orgies are fine so long as they are in good taste, and by that I mean condiments are involved in some way.” He says.

“God,” I tell him, “you’re fucking awesome!”

‘I know I am,” he says, “now you two head on home, you have my blessings. Oh, before you leave I also wanted to tell you to start up a standardized Catholic church in Equestria. Here,” he hands me a Bible and another, much larger book, “these will explain all my expectations and rules for your people and give guidelines for the church.”

“Thank you God!” Lizzie and I say as we head out the doors and for home.

I hold my late wife in my arms and fly back the way I came, stopping only to thank saint Peter for letting me in, and back towards home.

“So you were the whiny, crying mind I kept feeling.” I say as we near the layer of clouds.

“I missed you,” she explains, “and it got to be too much to handle. Please forgive me.”

“How can I forgive you for missing me?” I ask. “Besides, it was your emotions that led me to you. It all worked out… sort of.”

“Sort of.” She agrees with me and holds tight as I jump from one universe to another.

<><><>

“Want another beer Dulcie?” Twilight offers as she pulls herself a hard cider from the fridge.

“Sure.” Dulcie calls from the patio.

“Here you go.” Twilight says as she walks back outside with two bottles in her magical gripe.

“Thanks… Mom?” Dulcie pauses mid sentence and then stands.

“You’re welc-.” Twilight starts to say but the sudden appearance of her husband and a slender woman in white garbs stops her short.

“I’m back.”

<><><>

“I’m back.” I say as Lizzie and I appear on the patio.

“MOM!” Dulcie shouts and runs over to hug my late wife.

“What in Equestria?” Twi asks.

“Twilight,” I say leading Lizzie and Dulcie over to her as I speak, “I’d like you to meet my last wife; Lizzie.”

“Hi…” Twilight says awkwardly.”

“You can call me Elizebeth if you like.” Lizzie kneels down and hugs my current wife. “It’s very nice to meet you Twilight.

“Nice to meet too Elizebeth.” Twi responds.

“Hey Lizzie,” I say, “why don’t you and Dulcie catch up while I have a word with Twi.”

“Ok.” She smiles at Twi and walks back over to her daughter.

I nod at Twi to walk with me and we head into the kitchen.

“What the hay happened?” Twilight asks just as soon as we’re out of earshot of the others.

“I met God,” I tell her, “he had me bring her home, gave me these,” I hand her the two books, “told me to start a Catholic church here, and then he said that homosexuality and polygamy were A Ok with him.”

“So what?” Twi asks. “You want to have a three-way marriage?”

“Mac, Shy, and Caramel did it and it’s been working great for them.” I try to defend myself.

“So this Elizebeth,” Twilight starts in, “does she like books?”

“Not only does she love them, she was god’s personal librarian while in Heaven.” I tell her.

“Is she nice?”

“One of the kindest people I’ve ever met.”

“Is she good in bed?”

I lean down next to Twilight and whisper into her ear. “Incredible.”

“What the hay, sounds good to me!” She exclaims.

I smile at Twilight and we walk back out to talk with Dulcie and Lizzie.

<>

<><>

<><><>

My boys are doing great.

My baby girl is getting married.

The love of my first life has returned.

And the love of my second life loves her also.

The church has been established and a pope elected.

The world is at peace and everything has worked out.

Sort of.

And I couldn’t be happier.

The end