RGRE: Dungeon Crawler

As I did on many a saturday morning, I awoke with a dull headache, cotton mouth and all the other wonderous symptoms of a night out drinking. But then all of a sudden-books. Books everywhere.

I looked about the strange room before recalling it was Twilight that had brought me home. She was nowhere in sight but apparently had let me have the bed. I had also been carefully tucked in. Oh, that horse.

Downstairs, she was curled up on the couch. Her head lay on her folded up forelegs and one purple wing stretched out draping over the coffee table. She had apparently been in a wrestling match with her blanket and pillow, which were discarded on the carpet. I stepped over quietly and carefully took hold of her wing, gently guiding the appendage along its range of motion back into a folded position. I then draped the blanket over her and as a final touch, I took up an empty coffee mug on the table and hung it by the handle over her horn. Perfect.

A couple hours and a hike later, I clambered through a knot of wild underbrush with the compass clutched tightly in one hand. The vegetation here held a slick moist feeling- not out of place in the humid and dank Everfree. The field in front of me was covered in similarly soggy vegetation and wooden detritus but looked a bit too flat compared to the dense trees that squared it off.

I ventured into the tall grass for a few paces before my foot fell upon stone tiles concealed where they had sunken into the earth and been covered by the grass. The compass worked its magic and a memory flashed into my mind. A huge snake's head painstakingly carved from solid granite, mouth yawning wide to expose a staircase leading downward into the dark. A table heaped with steaming pots and beakers. A dagger being dipped into a vase of caustic green liquid. I glanced down at the compass as the runes within faded from their white-hot glow.

I found the entrance behind a pair of tall willows that had grown up to envelop it back into the forest. The smooth stone was eroded, looking rough and pockmarked with any detail it once had worn away long ago. It retained the rough shape of something that -could- have been a snake's head at one point if you squinted at just the right angle. With flashlight in one hand and trusty crowbar in the other, I ventured once more into the breach.

Twilight sat outside her bedroom door, hoof frozen midway as she reconsidered knocking. According to a nearby clock it was still early- 8 on the dot. She began to pace back and forth.

I shouldn't bother him, but I want to make sure he's alright. He had a lot to drink last night...

She bit her lip, watching the inert door as if it would reveal some sort of answer. The thought of a male sprawled out on her bed spreading his microbes all over the place was equally thrilling and awkward. What if he was in there putting up pink curtains and throwing potpurri all over the place?

"Hey, Twilight?" A voice called from the stairwell. She hadn't noticed Spike until he spoke.

"I wasn't spying!" Twilight shouted.

"Err...okay?" The dragon said, "There's a couple of guards out front that want to speak to you."

There were indeed a couple of guards waiting on the doorstep, clad in full goldsteel armor.

"Princess?", one of the mares spoke, both of them bowing quickly, "We've got a lead on those Gryphon bandits. One of our air scouts spotted them heading into an old dungeon just inside the Everfree. We'd appreciate some ah, magical artillery."

"Are they really that dangerous?" Twilight asked.

"It's been rumored that they've actually committed murder" she replied, nodding.

Twilight's eyes narrowed, "Okay, let's go."

The snake dungeon was pretty bland as far as these old places were concerned. The corridor weaved back and forth in gentle curves that must have mimicked the shape of a snake's body and there were no visible doors or other distractions.

A Pony skeleton leered out of the darkness into the circle of illumination provided by my flashlight. It was half crumpled against the wall. Such sights were not unheard of in the dungeons but I halted. The skeleton's bones creaked as its head began to turn, the sound disturbingly loud down here in the dingy silence. I wielded my crowbar, poised to smash the thing.

A mossy green snake suddenly slithered out of the skeleton's empty skull, which fell and smashed apart on the floor with a hollow pop. I kicked a rock at the snake and the creature decided to retreat, disappearing into a gap between the bricks.

The final chamber came into view after one final sharp curve of the corridor. It was open with a high arched entryway, flanked by two pillars carved into the likeness of a couple of cobras coiling toward the ceiling. These statues had endured the elements a little better and their eyes still twinkled with inset emeralds. I had to give the sculptors credit-they managed to make them look menacing.

The circular chamber beyond was wide open but mostly empty. I had expected a chest but instead found a sarcophagus situated on a podium in the maw of another stone snake's head. The two fangs from the snake's head extended down on either side of the sarcophagus, making it impossible to manipulate the lid which I confirmed was too heavy to lift after attempting to pry it directly up. I went to work with the crowbar and a hammer pulled from my pack, chipping away at one of the aged stone fangs. It put up quite a resistance but finally snapped off.

I worked the lid open by prying and pulling until it was maneuvered off the side of the sarcophagus. It fell to the ground with a loud thud. Laying there in the sarcophagus was a dessicated corpse. Papery scraps of skin clung to the bare white bones, all of it covered in a powder- whether it was dust or the byproducts of rot I could not say nor did I care. It was humanoid but as I examined the reverse-jointed leg bones, it was obvious that it was not a long-lost relative of mine.

Placed on the hollow chest of the creature was what must have been the artifact- a long and thin dagger held in a leather sheath. I reached down and tenderly plucked the artifact up. Flashlight in mouth, I unsheathed the weapon. It began to ooze with a greenish substance that seemed to well up from invisible pores on the blade. A dagger of venom most likely, not that I was an expert at identifying these things.

A noise reached me from the corridor outside. I whirled around to the entryway. Luckily, the source of the footsteps revealed themselves before my imagination had time to conjure up all sorts of creeping horrors stumbling toward me in the near-darkness.

Four strangers filed into the room, the look on their avian faces instantly recognizable as predatory. They fanned out and one sauntered forward, large green eyes piercing as she looked me up and down. It was hard to tell in the dingy light where her feathers ended and fur began since both were a glossy jet-black color. She wore a cloth vest and a mace strapped across her front side.

The gryphon whistled, "Well well. I knew these dungeons had booty in them but this is ridiculous!"

Her cohorts laughed at that while I stood to face them squarely. I crossed my arms and tried to exert an air of confidence.

"Ladies? I don't believe we've met" I said.

"The name's Stormlight" The black Gryphon said, "I heard you back in town talking to that old dried up bag of a unicorn. Said you were pretty good at finding artifacts."

She paused to extend a viciously sharp talon and scratch at the floor. "Now the way I figure it, you don't have a horn..."

"On his head anyway" One of the other gryphons mumbled causing a round of suppressed chuckling among them.

"...So that means this little talent is coming from somewhere else. Why don't you be a good boy and hand it over. Things could get ugly down here for a stallion all by his lonesome. Some bandits could come barging in and do...well, all manner of unseemly things to him."

I unzipped my hoodie and shrugged out of it leaving my top half clad only in a less restrictive plain green t-shirt.

"Oh no," The black Gryphon said, "You wont get off that easy. Hand the detector over first, then we can have some fun."

She saw what I was really intent on doing when I drew the crowbar and held it at the 'bash some skulls' position. The Gryphons apparently detected some humor in this and they laughed heartily.

"Alright, enough screwing around. Grab him." Stormlight ordered and two of the Gryphons stepped forward. The one in the lead- a grey-feathered and squat looking catbird, broke into a trot toward me. I feigned a swing at her and she reared up, arm poised to grab my weapon. But instead, I flipped the crowbar and smacked her in the side of the head sharply. It was enough to rattle her and send her stumbling backwards.

I crouched and swept a leg out from under the other Gryphon with the crowbar's curved side. She grunted as her head smacked the stone. Stormlight watched all this with her beak agape but then unstrapped the mace she carried and passed it off to the third henchgriffon, this one tall and a bit skinny with messy rust-colored feathers.

She swung the mace low a couple times trying to clobber my knees as I backed up, the stone snake's head behind me looming up from the darkness to cut off any further retreat. The skinny Gryphon pressed forward. I brought the crowbar up to block a vicious swing of the mace, replying with a short jab to the Gryphon's midsection and a boot to the chest to send her onto her back.

A flash of black feathers approached from my right side. A talon closed around my crowbar while another sized one of my arms, pain shooting through it as the claws dug into exposed flesh. I was then lifted off the ground and swung around, but was thankfully released while my crowbar remained in Stormlight's grasp. Stars exploded across my vision as my ribcage was introduced to the big stone snake's head.

Stormlight landed and loomed over me, tossing the crowbar aside. Her henchmen had regrouped and encircled me where I lay propped up on an elbow after having the wind knocked out of me. Blood streaked down my right arm from the puncture marks and it stung terribly from supporting the weight of my upper body.

"Heh. I guess you're not just a pretty face after all" Stormlight said. She motioned to the skinny Gryphon holding the mace and she handed the weapon back to her boss. The smooth coppery head looked particularly solid.

"Sorry. I'm not really the chivalrous type." Stormlight said, raising the mace on high.

"Me neither" I said.

Before Stormlight could turn my head to pulp, I remembered the ancient technique of the 'cunt punt'. Standing over me, she had left herself wide open for the maneuver. My kick landed perfectly on target betwixt the Gryphon's legs. Her eyes bulged and her beak fell open with a shrill sound of agony. She dropped the mace, which had been held directly over her head. The heavy ball of metal fell directly on top of her skull with a loud thunk. Two of Stormlight's cohorts each seized one of her arms and held her as she crumpled backwards.

I scrambled to my feet as Stormlight shouted and cursed, rolling about on the floor in pain.

"Skin him alive!" Stormlight shouted, her voice booming off the walls of the dungeon. Her compatriots were blocking any escape route and I didn't imagine outrunning them would be an easy task. With a lump in my throat, I took a step backward as they approached. But then my foot sunk into the floor. The tile I stepped on had depressed with an audible click.

There was a deep rumbling sound from behind us that grew in intensity until it felt like an earthquake. Chunks of stone and dust were dislodged from the ceiling as the wall sunk to reveal a steep upward slope. A thunk echoed as something very large was released from some hidden cache. A huge boulder appeared, tumbling down the ramp but it was immediately obvious that it was no ordinary boulder.

Instead, the giant ball that sped toward us was composed entirely of snakes of all sizes, colors and species. They filled the dungeon with a cacohphony of ravenous hissing. The wriggling mass must have been approaching the size of a house I guessed.

"Jesus slaphouse Christ!" I shouted.

A line of carriages thundered through Ponyville, a dozen in all, upsetting the normally quiet and peaceful saturday morning. Screwball perched herself atop the lead carriage, mouth wide as she played the part of a siren though it was more akin to an air raid alarm.

On the scene, a cordon had already been set up around the dungeon. Guards patrolled the woods while Pegasi orbited the area. The carriages screeched to a halt in the field, disgorging groups of armor clad guards.

A guard captain, a russet-coated Unicorn, stood near a command tent that had been set up. Her voice amplified with magic, she shouted in the direction of the dungeon.

"Alright, come out with your hooves up! We've got the place surrounded!"

"What's the situation?" Twilight asked as she and Spike approached the captain.

"WE'VE GOT THEM-" Twilight's mane was blown back as the captain answered with a still-amplified voice.

The captain's horn ceased glowing and she cleared her throat, voice no longer amplified, "My apologies, Princess. I meant to say we've got them cornered but we've had no contact yet. I'd say they are planning on going down fighting."

The words were scarcely out of the captain's mouth when there came a commotion from the dungeon entrance. Four Gryphons flew out into the daylight and found at least two dozen crossbows pointed in their direction.

"Oh thank Celestia, the guard!" one of the Gryphons squawked, throwing herself at the hooves of the nearest guardspony.

"Please. Take me to jail, I did it! Just get me out of here!"

"No! It was me, I was the mastermind all along! Take ME!" Another of the Gryphons pleaded to the bewildered guards.

Stormlight crossed her arms silently and hung her head with a look of disgust as she and her fellows were quickly clapped in irons.

A human lumbered out of the entrance shouting for the Ponies to clear the area. Noone reacted until a few seconds later when shouts rang out and guards went running and flying off in all directions. The dungeon's entrance seemed to explode in a geyser of stone, dirt and wriggling snakes.

"A-Adam? What are-?" Twilight followed him as he ran across the field, vaulting fallen logs and boulders while waving his arms madly. But she then saw the abomination of snakes speeding toward her. Lowering her horn, she did the only thing that came to mind in the moment and sent a powerful beam of destructive energy into the mass. The force of the beam blew the nearby tent away and overturned a couple of carriages in its wake. The explosion cracked like thunder and could be heard for miles around.

Fluttershy sipped her tea as she sat at the kitchen table of her cottage, enjoying the pleasant warmth of the sun streaming in through the window behind her.

thud

thud thud...wham!

Fluttershy turned to the strange sound of something falling outside.

"Oh. It's just raining snakes that are on fire" She said calmly to herself.

She took another sip of tea and slowly slid down off the chair and onto the floor. She walked over to the refridgerator, opened it and climbed inside. She shut the door. A refrigerator would be an okay place to live, she decided. Things at least made sense in the refridgerator.