Return to Sender

The Purposeful Librarian

“This is one of the libraries around Writing, Pennsylvania,” said Craig to Twilight. He was not sure what he found more disturbing about her: the sparkles of anticipation in her eyes as though she had found a lost treasure, or that she had cast an illusion spell to disguise herself as a petite brunette child.

“Look, I have to ask you Twilight. Just how in the hell did you manage to disguise yourself as a little girl?”

Twilight beamed, “A wizard did it!”

“A wizard did it,” he said flatly

“Oh, Anna told me to say that to you if you asked,” Twilight grinned up at him. She continued after a pause to swallow. “Actually, I am Princess Celestia's most faithful student, her personal protege, the leading apprentice in Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, the representative of the Element of Magic, a life-long student that studied the works of the great Starswirl the Bearded.”

Anna told you to say it. Of course she did.Craig thought, berating himself for not seeing that one coming.

He turned his head away from the glare of the sun, cursing at the humid heat. Up ahead, the one-story windowed building, half-shadowed by the roof, promised cool shelter inside. Looking through the windows, there was no one to be seen except for a bored, elderly librarian near a counter.

“How many libraries are around this area?” Twilight squealed, grasping Craig's hand gleefully as she hopped up and down excitedly. “How many books are in this library? How do they keep track of the ponies, ah humans, I mean people that check them out? How can I get a library card? What are those typewriters with the funny colored blackboards? Oh and it is gorgeous outside! How do you control the state of the atmosphere? How do you affect the phenomena that occur in the troposphere? Who raises the sun every morning? Who raises the moon? What about the surface temperature differences in turn causing pressure differences...”

Kill Anna or kill the unicorn. Anna because she dragged me into this mess. Twilight because she is going to drive me to homicide, Craig gritted his teeth, tugging on Twilight's hand, er hoof to take her inside.

“Our collection includes juvenile, young adult and adult books, audio CDs and audio tapes, music CDs, videos and DVDs, magazines, and online databases including our Access PA and Power Library databases,” the librarian droned on, nodding at an entranced Twilight and a suffering Craig.

“Within the library, we have 13 computers that offer high-speed Internet access as well as MS Office '07 suite. We offer both color and black & white printing, a copy machine and fax services. We additionally offer a public wireless access 'hot spot' for Internet access on your laptop with your wireless network card. We offer a Summer Children's Reading Program and a Toddler and Pre-School children's Program during the fall, winter and spring months. Please visit our calendar of events for the latest information on all of our happenings. We have also placed our library catalog online for your convenience as well as a tutorial on how to use our online catalog. Our Dedicated Book program provides an opportunity to remember a special person or special event by placing a memorial book in the library.”

A puzzled look wrote itself across the unicorn’s currently disguised face. “What is a CD--” she began, but her question was swiftly cut off

“Thank you very much for your time in explaining the services that you have to offer ma`am,” Craig forced a smile at the librarian while grabbing Twilight, turning her around and pushing her towards the non-fiction section.

“Craig! I have so many questions to ask in order to formulate essays on how to advance library organization and technology back in Equ—ow!” Twilight gasped, glaring up at the man with a hurt look.

“At least do not say where you come from, alright?” Craig forced a grin at Twilight, scanning the library to see if anyone noticed him hitting a child.

That would be all he needed; to be hauled in and brought up on charges of child abuse and harboring an alien. God, Anna would either kill him for letting Twilight fall into government hands or laugh over the multiple indictments

“Fine,” Twilight frowned, narrowing her eyes to stare towards a placard marked “Dewey Decimal System.” Aha! A numbered system! I see that there are some basic standards regarding organization standards of libraries in, ha ha, I mean around the country! Though the classifications confuse me. Zero Zero Zero Computer Science? What are computer sciences? Oooh, I notice that you have philosophy, psychology, zoology, social sciences and languages. How many languages are there in your world?” Twilight tilted her head at the placard, mouthing off the rest of the classifications while Craig's eyes were glazed over in horror.

Exhaustion, tendonitis, migraines, fat as a pig, out of shape; I survived hostile countries only to be driven to the nuthouse by a fu--er freaking unicorn that I made a promise to. My life is a living hell.

Craig clasped his hand over his eyes, wondering why he made that promise again. Oh right, because you gave your sister a unicorn that looked like Twilight before she died. And Anna would have guilt-tripped you into it. And you wanted to do something good.

“How many books am I allowed to check out, ma’am? Oh, I need to have my parent sign me up for a library card? Certainly, Mr--er my father would be thrilled to fill out the forms for my library card to allow me to pursue your cult, er, start studying for school! It is never too late to study the differences of library philosophy and library science!”

Craig stood up dully from his chair. This was getting out of hand, and it was only the first day. The unicorn wasn’t just nuts, she was also getting excited over a library out in the county. What kind of world was it that she lived in that she was excited over a county library?

Most likely a boring one.

“Give me a few minutes, ah Sammi, I need to check something out on the computers. Why don't you be a good little fil, er girl and check out what books you want?” Craig recoiled in horror over Twilight's smile widening by the second, quickly realising the danger of what he’d just said. “Eight books, just eight books only!” He glared at Twilight while settling in front of a computer.

Turning his attention to the screen and ignoring the look of disappointment being aimed at him, he pounded on the keys to check the local news sites. He didn't expect to find anything interesting, but it was a good excuse for not having to deal with the unicorn right now.
Nothing but the same old crap in the world except for....

“Oh hell,” he muttered in horrid fascination over a picture of Twilight laying unconscious near a dirt road. The caption above the picture read “MYSTERIOUS TOY FOUND, THEN DISAPPEARED, NO CLUE REGARDING OWNER.”

“So, how did Twilight enjoy the library today Craig?” Anna asked him from the kitchen table, glancing up from a pile of mail that she was sorting as he walked in. “Did you two have a good time?”

“Yes, yes I had a wonderful time,” Craig said coldly, sitting down across from Anna as she picked up an envelope, narrowing her eyes over the address.

“Really? After 15 years, my wonderful, lovely and caring family takes the time to write to me! Me!” The disgust in Anna’s voice was accompanied by the sound of ripping paper as she tore the letter to pieces. Flecks of paper fluttered down through the air, settling on the table as she mercilessly shredded the offending piece of mail. She let out a heated breath.

“I had a nice day at work with the managers telling me that I am in line to be promoted from a full-time supervisor of the line to a manager in several years, a great time at the dojo working out and had lunch with an old friend,” Anna stated, her voice coming out in a snarl. Then to Craig she added, “Good, I am so glad that you had a pleasant excursion with Miss Twilight Sparkles.”

“Congratulations,” he said mildly, a bit unnerved by her loss of control. Her frustration was evident, but he knew better than to try talking about it. That was a lesson he’d learned the hard way some time ago.

Anna didn't bother to say anything else, staring down at the pieces of the letter emotionlessly.

“Twilight had a wonderful time at the library,” he said calmly. His hands were down on his lap, fidgeting with a folded piece of paper. “I even got her a library card.”

While killing my eardrums with all her questions. Twilight, the best at school, the best in magic, the best, nothing but being the God damn best. Craig closed his eyes, breathing slowly over the memory of her annoying words.

Just like you Anna, part of the best. Best at work, best at sports, best at knowing how to turn a pretty word and even able to have the looks for the complete package.

While I used to be part of the best. Craig opened his eyes, his bitter thoughts driving aside the surprise that he found earlier on the webs.

“That is nice Craig,” Anna absent-mindedly muttered at him. “You two had a great day today. Is there anything else before I prepare for dinner?”

“Yea, I found this earlier on the news sites today,” he warned her, though Anna seemed to have her emotions under control. “Does this look familiar?”

He handed the folded paper to her, watching her reaction carefully as she unfolded it. She paused and looked at the piece of paper that he printed out earlier.

“There was no one around when I found her yesterday,” Anna paused, correcting herself. “So someone took the picture and left the area to probably find someone else to—”

She paused, grasping to find the right words.

“—examine her and turn her over to the authorities.”

He didn't need to her to tell him that was bad news, someone finding and taking a picture of the unicorn. They would have to be on their guard: if it was discovered that they were harbouring the unicorn, it would all be over. He would lose his pension, Anna would lose her job and their home, and all three of them would be shipped off to some kind of government imprisonment. In the unicorn’s case... he didn’t want to think about what modern science would want with her.

They stared aimlessly at each other, thoughts lost in the silence.

“Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle and I am here today to reveal all the secrets of your words, sentences and bindings!” Twilight rubbed her hooves, merrily staring at eight assorted books stacked on the coffee table that she picked at random from the library earlier today. A small library from what Craig said that held over 50,000 books. 50,000!

They must value education highly in Writing, Pennsylvania. The almanac should tell me how many people live in this country, let alone the world!

“History! Atmospheric Science! Biology! Common Myths and Lore! A manual of the latest gadgets and devices of the 21st century. Architecture The almanac of 2011! Hmmm, I wonder if that was a good year or a bad year?” She rubbed her chin grooved thoughtfully, wondering if she could find all the other almanacs from 1 to 2010. That would be at least 2,000 books alone. 2,000 books! Wouldn't it be great if she could just take an entire library back with her once she either researched a way to get home or Princess Celestia would find a way to contact her so she can return?

“I will be the best pony ever in the fields of organization, technology and--”

She held up a book titled 'Powerpoints and Presentations for Beginners.”

“Public speaking! Just imagine every pony listening to what I have to say with these techniques that have surely been passed down for many generations!”

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today was a portentous, prodigious and stupendous day on Earth in Writing, Pennsylvania. To be accurate, at the local Writing Community Library. It would be remiss of me to say that it is like any library in Equestria, even the one at Canterlot because the one that Craig Rhodes took me to today has over 50,000 books! Almost as many books as the Canterlot library! Once I have returned to Equestria, I shall present my thesis regarding the expansion of various library services along with the collections for each and every single library.

Now, regarding the only major intelligent inhabitants of the planet Earth, which oddly enough are not named Earthlings but rather humans. They are a race which are defined as a group of people classified as belonging to the one species, Homo Sapiens. From the research that I have so studiously examined from their own collection of anatomy, biology and anthropology (the latter of which is the study of humans), the most significant differences between these races are languages, hair and facial features and skin color. I am intrigued to study these differences in the future by donning my disguise as a human child, perhaps with some variations in the illusion, for further field research.

Regarding Craig, he seemed to be a bit put out when we were at the library, listening to the librarian describing the services to me. When I was told that I could check out six books on almost every subject, his face began to pale. I wonder why this is so? Maybe he was under the weather?

Oh, the weather on Earth! Anna told me that no one controls the weather. At all! I could not even begin to put it all together. How are they able to raise crops? How are they able to know when it snows so they can get ready for the winter?

This is almost impossible to believe from my own words but I have too much data and information I need to collate. It is simply impossible at this time to even describe an iota of the history of this world, let alone the countries, government and customs.

Once I have collected my thoughts and reexamined the wondrous sources before me, I will be able to organize my thoughts and write up a detailed letter, complete with several pictures, about humanity.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S Oh, Craig suggested that I travel with Anna to her place of employment tomorrow. Something to do with shipping packages to people in Writing. I admit that I am intrigued of the process of how humans receive their shipment from the package warehouse, which Craig says is a UPS. Since tomorrow is Take Your Daughter to Work Day at this package center, I shall take the opportunity to infiltrate it with my disguise and examine the process closely of the unloading, sorting and delivery of the shipments and packages that Writing receives and sends.