Philosophy of the Damned

I could feel the sunlight on my face coming in through the window.

“No Voltron, fuck you it’s my bacon.” I said drearily waking out of my drunken dreams. Which are so much better than nightmares.

“Why do I taste spicy apple cotton candy?” I said opening my eyes. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was ever going back and all this was a dream, meaning I could be even more reckless than I had been. I mean I’ve been doing so much stupid shit. I fed and rode a goddamn bear, enlisted, and beat a world champion in a drinking contest. Then I adopted a kid so there is that. As I tried to get up I felt something holding my body down, to be more specific three things.

One pink, lying uncomfortably close to my face and turned around. You can use your imagination. One orange, at my feet belly up, so you know. Finally, a cyan one sprawled out between my legs. At this point I knew all I had fears, but I had two questions. Where the fuck is my pants and why am I covered in glitter and confetti?! I saw them hanging over the edge of the loft, along with my boxers and shirt. Oh god why? Looks like I’m stuck here. Well while I’m here let’s look at the clues:

1. I’m naked. Okay well they don’t wear clothes, maybe they convinced me to try it out.
   
2. They’re all lying on me in provocative positions. Quite possibly I’m just a good pillow naked.
   
3. Glitter. Pinkie is crazy she could of cu-done it! Oh god.
   
4. There is a whip beside me and I have a searing pain in my back. There is no answer for that.

Holy shit you fuck horses, that’s hilarious!

“HOLY SHIT I FUCKED TALKING TECHNICOLOR HORSES!” I screamed bolting up throwing Pinkie off of me and started scooting away in disbelief. All the way off the edge only being able to grab my pants.

“Hoh shit!” I yelled falling out of the loft and landing on a table snapping it in half.

“Aww goddammit.” I groaned rolling off the remains to see what few ponies remained cleaning up staring at me.

“Are you okay Rushie?!” said a high voice from above, it was Pinkie. Wait what the fuck did she call me?

“Fine, could you throw me my shirt?” I squeaked out as I hurriedly put on my pants.

“Are you sure sugar cube? That was a long fall.” Said Applejack poking her head over the side as I put on my shirt that had been thrown down by Pinkie.

“Absolutely. I’m just going to get some… air, yeah air!” I said thinking of the best excuse I could. I liked the show and all but that is just fucked up.

“Alright we’ll be down in a bit.” Fuck!

“Okay I’ll just be outside.” I said walking out.

The moment I was out that door I threw up.

“Jesus is that glitter?” From what I’d gathered I didn’t want an answer to that.

“Oh good god, I knew it. I’m going to hell aren’t I? I mean I was going to hell before, but now I probably got my own personal throne! I mean we were drunk, and it all happened so fast. It would be bad enough with just one, but three.”

Alright I need to calm down, I’m fucking talking to myself. I need to keep this in. No one else needs to know about this. Wait there’s no way this is real, I have to be back on base in a coma and this is all a dream. Yeah, I mean there’s no way I could actually do that. Right?

“Whoa dude, what was that all about?” asked a tomboyish voice from behind.

“Oh just a little sick from last night didn’t wanna throw up on you girls.” I said lying again.

“Oh okay, hey I’m going to be practicing later at the park and I was wondering if you might want to come watch a bit.” That does not sound like Rainbow Dash.

“Uh sure, I’ll try to be there at six, sound good?”

“Yeah, see you there!” she said red faced flying off.

Wait, did I just get asked out? By a pony, and accept it? Holy shit, what the hell is wrong with me?

“Hope you didn’t forget about us.” said Applejack walking out with Pinkie. Oh god I’m gonna have to multitask aren’t I?

“No, what’s up?” I asked wondering how this was going to work out, if at all.

“Well Ah was wonderin’ if ya would mind taking some crates of apples out to Big Mac in town, Ah’d do it but I have to do some applebuckin’.” Seems simple enough I could also probably snag a couple to eat.

“Yeah no problem, so you want me to single carry them or what?”

“Huh, no there’s a cart we use to carry the crates behind the barn. The crates are already on there.” She said walking into the fields.

“You need anythin’ Pinkie?” I asked expecting to have some other thing to do.

“No thanks Rushie I’ve got to get to work before the Cakes notice I’m late.” She said walking to me.

“Alright later.” I said walking past her.

“Hey Rushie!”

“Yeah?”

“Bye!” she said jumping up kissing my cheek

As soon as she was out of site I threw up again. After that I hurried towards the back of the barn so I could get out of here. I didn’t want to get blamed for this, it was a miracle they didn’t notice the first one. Coming around the side of the barn feeling like my throat was on fire I saw the cart that was hooked up to a yoke. I noted that if I were to use the yoke that the crates could fall out. Looks like I’m going to have to rickshaw it.

Before I picked up the cart I grabbed a couple of apples to eat on the way because I was starving. I didn’t even get any damn cake! Taking my first bite out of the first left me a bit stunned. In all truth this was quite possibly the best apple I had ever tasted. I don’t know if it was because I hadn’t eaten in two days but I have never tasted an apple like this. It didn’t take me long to finish that one and start on the next.

As I walked along my mind kept wandering back to why those girls were so calm about everything. I mean was this a one night stand thing or something more. I didn’t know these kinda things, I’m fourteen. I’m not supposed to know these kinds of things.

Says the man who kills for a living.

There’s a reason I don’t respond to the voices in my head. One, it makes me look insane. Two, they usually get worse. Back to what I was thinking though, I guess I should just let this play out. I don’t see anything bad coming from that.

Finishing off the second apple started going over everything that happened. In my first day I had gotten a pet bear, met a princess, enlisted, adopted a kid, and finally got blasted and banged some horses. At this point it’s hard to believe this isn’t a dream. I mean all that in a day, no way. Also the whole sex thing. Yeah, everything is a dream. I need no more explanation, I mean come on.

There was only one problem with this though. How long would I be here? When would I wake up? I don’t know if really want to either. There’s just this feeling of acceptance about this place, it’s a big change from the dreary feeling I had back home. At some point I will go back, whether I’ll be ready or not remains to be seen. Entering the town square I spotted Big Mac by an almost empty apple stand. Looks like I got here just on time.

“Hey Big Mac. Want me to just put this to the side?” I yelled pulling the cart over to the stand.

“Eeyup.” Looking to my right I saw Sun Blair. Setting down the crates I headed over to him.

“Hey Blair.” I said walking over to him.

“Oh, hey Rush. I heard you got lucky last night.” Well shit, I was kind of hoping no one else would know.

“Yeah but I’d rather not let that get out.” I whispered.

“Let it get out? Do you have any idea how loud you were being. Everypony could here it after the party died down. I’ll give you credit though not too many ponies could handle those three at once.” God I hope Big Mac doesn’t find out, if he was being protective before, he’d probably rip me a new one and use it as a cup holder.

“Gee, thanks.” I said sarcastically.

“What?”

“It’s just not exactly normal to go around doing it with other species.”

“So, you don’t exactly strike me as normal.”

“You barely know me.”

“Yeah, but you have that certain sense about you.”

“Hmm, I suppose I do. Just, don’t tell Big Mac. I don’t think he knows.”

“Will do. Oh well, see you later.” He said turning around.

“Alright later.” I needed to get my stuff out of the club house.

Looking at my watch I saw it was about 1:30. That’s a bit later than I thought it would be.

~ 8 minutes later ~

“Ah, nice to have that familiar weight on my back.” I said talking to myself, walking out of the clubhouse.

“Hmm, well I’m effectively bored. Guess I should go talk to Twilight see if she wants anything.”

Walking back into town I saw a pegasus in a blue and gold flight suit flying towards me.

“Well, this oughta be good.” I said to myself.

“Hey are you Rush?” She asked.

“One and only, who are you?”

“I’m Spitfire, I was told to come here and talk to you. You definitely know how to stand out.”

“Seriously, man Celestia moves fast. Well I guess this is gonna happen a bit early.”

“What?”

“We were planning a race, but I guess we better get Rainbow now.” I told her.

“Wait, Rainbow Dash? I know her, she saved a couple of us at Cloudsdale.”

“Us? There are more like you?”

“Yeah dude, were the wonderbolts.” Oh yeah they’re like the Blue Angels, explains the colors.

Walking to the park I made small talk with the apparent wonderbolt.

“So are you part of the military or are you a private sector?”

“Were part of the military, tags and all. We don’t do protection or anything though. Were actually mostly for show.”

“Seems like a lot of the military is, from what I’ve heard.” I said as we entered the park. Looking up I saw a tuft of rainbow hanging over the side of a cloud. I supposed now was as good a time as any.

“Hey Rainbow!” I shouted up at the cloud, I could see the clump of rainbow recede back into the cloud.

“What?” She said poking her head over the tip of the cloud

“You know that bet that you were the fastest flyer in Equestria?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, prove it!” I said stepping out of the way so she could see Spitfire.

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!” She exclaimed flying down to our level.

“Yep I have a wonderbolt here that you can race to prove that you’re the fastest.”

“Really?!” She asked excitedly. Spitfire was being strangely silent during all this.

“Yeah, you all get ready.” A crowd had started gathering around as the bright colors of the suit had caught the attention of some ponies in town. You could feel the electricity in the air as I walked in front of the two racers.

“Alright racers, first one to lap the park three times is the winner.” I said.

“Three. Two. One. GO!” I counted down. I felt the wind blow against me from their takeoff.

At the beginning Spitfire had pulled ahead, with Rainbow Dash coming up fast from behind. Halfway around on the first lap Dash had gotten even with Spitfire. By the end of the first lap she had pulled ahead. The crowd was going insane, it was a mix of cheers for Rainbow and cheers of Spitfire. It was like rolling thunder from the sound of all the ponies stamping the ground.

Rounding the third corner of the lap, what appeared to be a cone of air started to engulf Rainbow. As she passed the line to start the third lap a static charge surruounded the airstream. She was almost going to fast for the eye to follow. Then it happened, a flash of light followed by a deafening boom. The area had been lit up with a sharp contrast of colors from the rainbow. I was swept off my feet and thrown into a tree being the closest to the explosion. At that it was over. The race had been won and I was out a bottle of booze, fun times I guess.

As I got up off the tree and limped my way towards the finish line where Rainbow was waiting, I felt something come over me, it was a warm feeling. I liked it, I don’t know what it was but I liked it.

“Well Rainbow, you won. Congratulations, it appears that you won the bet as well.” I told her, even after my loss I had a smile on my face.

“Yes! I told you I’m the fastest flyer in all of Equestria!”

“So that was the sonic rainboom? I’m glad I got to see it from above this time.” Said Spitfire from behind.

“Alright, well I’m going to go see if I can fix my back, Rainbow whenever you need something come tell me.” I said walking back into town ignoring the cheers from the crowd.

“God I hope Twilight can help with this.”