The Billy Mays Chronicles

(Author's Note)
Okay, I hate Twilight series. A lot. There are few things that have me say how bad I think this series is in general just horrible. I shall respect your opinion of Twilight so long as you don't get butt hurt over this story.
If you are a fan of Twilight, do not continue forward reading this chapter. That is the final disclaimer, now welcome to the shit storm of Billy Mays.

Today was only another day for the life of Billy Mays. Recently he has been at his wits trying to deal with his daily routine as ruler of the Imperial Coke Empire with great care. Recently it has grown redundant. In the mornings he eats breakfast covered in cocaine, in the afternoons he eats lunch covered in cocaine, and in the evenings he eats dinner covered in cocaine, and in between those meals he snorts cocaine at least three times. So basically he's been doing the same stupid shit as he did on Earth, but he's also governing the Empire with an iron fist.

A bit ago, he allowed free speech within his dominion on Mars, this of course caused many things to happen. One of them came up as the internet being invented, which was then made for pornography to be made and a website called "", and the other ninety-nine percent of the internet made almost entirely of porn. As if it were to happen by chance, fucking pussies had to come in and complain about the situation of the internet.

"Like, err. mah. gerd. Pornography is for perverts!" said every stuck up bitch on Mars involving the situation.

Billy Mays decided that his jimmies were rustled enough, so he went on to have cause the "Moral Fag Massacre", because he was just tired of ponies and other races alike stand against internet porn.

"If you do not like internet porn, please don't try to ruin it for other ponies, me especially because I absolutely approve of it." declared Billy Mays in a speech. He then went about to take away the right of free speech to anypony that went against internet porn. The other races were free from harm because no one gave a fuck about them.

This of course caused many complaints, and even cults that trifled with dark magics that would be better off undiscovered to try to banish Billy Mays from this plane of existence. Yes of course they could have tried the direct route and try to kill him, but fuck man, not even Steve Urkel could, what chance would a simple civilian do?

"Oh yes, any assassination attempt you make on me just means one more kitten that gets slaughtered, surely you don't want to have a kitten die because you think my laws are unfair do you?" From that point onward, the Imperial Coke Empire had been at a relative peace for the next two months.

But then of course one day one of those cults decided to put Stephanie Meyer in charge of one, and then they invented the super popular book series, "Twilight". Then soon released many sequels following up on the original book.

Now over night, the fandom around "Twilight" had grown much more larger than it should have, and yes, by more than just one person. Billy Mays tried to ignore it, tried to acknowledge it exists but trying to ignore it in general proved to be jimmy rustling levels of difficult. He decided to stop being a bitch about it and actually read the book series.

"Edward, lick my cunt you sparkly f-vampire." read aloud Billy Mays.

"Hell no, I only like real pussy, not this blue waffle shit you disgusting bitch."

Sadly, all of that was in his head. What was really in the book was full of faggotry beyond anything he had thought could exist in the universe. He went out for blood, with nothing but the clothes on his back and a machete in hand, he went out hunting for Stephanie Meyer.

He punched open the house of said author, and started breaking shit with his sword in hand. "I AM HERE FOR THE HEAD OF STEPHANIE MEYER, AND EVERY COPY OF TWILIGHT SHE HAS EVER RELEASED." screamed Billy Mays. Little did he knew, the moral fag ninjas came the fuck out of nowhere, with cigarettes in their mouths so they could seem bad-ass.

"I thought I banned these for good, and made them illegal, because they make you fucking retarded." said Billy Mays.

"But Billy Mays, you don't know of our plans..." said a ninja.

"What plans?"

"Well you see, our glorious leader of the Empire, for too long you and your coke-snorting face have done nothing but decrease the amount of people that are stupid with your rash motives. But now...Stephanie Meyers has decided our future with these wonderfully stupid books, and its time for you to pay for your actions." The ninja wanted to say more, but then she got decapitated.

"Catchphrase." said Billy Mays, right before he killed everything in an ejaculation explosion.

This was it, he stood across the room from where him and Stephanie Meyer were standing, her sucking multiple black dicks per second while Billy Mays stood there, contemplating to join in or just walk away.

"Billy Mays, by now I'm aware you know of my plans for Mars."

"Yes, but please, tell me your plan without a thousand dicks in your mouth please."

"Fuck you, this cum dumpster is empty and it needs to be refilled."

"I did not make an empire for this sultry mess of a person to live in it."

"Well too fucking bad, what are you going to do?" He killed Stephanie and all of the men in the room without mercy, and walked out.

The weeks that followed involved a daily crackdown of internet faggots that love Twilight openly admit they like it, all until the social norm was to NOT like Twilight, like it used to be. Then when all the moral fags and Twilight fags were killed, he burned all the books, and any historical recording of it ever existed until all traces of it was burnt away from the minds of the populace, and from history itself. A celebration was not taken place for an event, for it would bring Twilight back into the light and that was it.

Point of this story is: Twilight sucks, don't read it.