HERE I AM, MOTHERF**KERS!!
HERE I AM, MOTHERF**KERS!!
100,2395,019,103,740,284 bottles of beer on the wall, 100,2395,019,103,740,284 bottles of beer, you take one down, you pass it around, 100,2395,019,103,740,283 bottles of beer on the wall! hi, i'm the postal dude. i can't exactly greet you better than that, as i am, unfortunately, imprisoned in FUCKING STONE.
Word of advice. if you find a creepy old vendor selling weird crap while laughing maniacally, buy all of it. 9 times out of ten, there some good crack in it. the 10th time, it might grab you by the ball sack and throw you head first into a world of ponies where you might get stoned. and not the good kind of stoned. OR the biblical kind of stoned either, which arguably might be better.
But still. i bet it's really, really good crack.
I picked door number ten, though, and here I am. A thousand years later, still a statue. in a garden. and sometimes a tour group come through and ogles me. i can't remember if i had my dick out or not. at least the gardener talks to me sometimes. although that has it's own set of problems, because he calls me senõr wigglybottoms. i guess that's why he's a gardener, and not something like a high level CEO.
"over here, class, we can see the statue of the most dangerous beast to ever be found, ever." oh, GOD. it's children. or foals. fuck if I know. all i know is that i hate them. every few years for the past few decades, the teachers of some school somewhere bring the brats here to look at the statues. it's agonizing. "1000 years ago, this creature appeared suddenly, and for a whole seven days, terrorized equestria, before the Princesses killed him."
"they killed him!?" huh. the little shits look surprised. Hooray for destroyed innocence!
"brutally. i heard that there was only paste left." the purple teacher made it even better by smashing her hoof into her other one, and grinding it. "accounts are shoddy, but supposedly they collected the paste and sold it as an aphrodisiac to minors."
one of the foals raised her hoof. "ms. Cheerilee, are you drunk again?"
"why yes, orange splotch, keen observation. I am three sheets to the wind! now, over here..." she trailed off and fell face first into the dirt, her butt up in the air, for everyone to see. it wasn't all that great. it was okay. for a few seconds, there was a very awkward silence.
"well naow whadda we do?" a peach-yogurt colored filly broke the silence.
"well, first, apple bloom, and this is just a suggestion, how about you shut the fuck up!" a pink filly with a perfectly coiffured hairstyle rebuked haughtily. little bitch.
"well, yeah, but what do we do with Cheerilee? we can't leave her! just think about what might happen."
without missing a beat the orange one chimed in. "she'll get raped. in the butthole."
"thank you, scootaloo, for that vivid and unnecessary description." now it was a grey one with glasses and a spoon on her butt. how many fucking ponies are there?* "but she's right. we can't just leave her here. we might get in trouble."
and that was the last thing I saw before i was enveloped in a yellow light.
well not really. that was the last thing i saw in the gardens. i guess the ponies figured out teleporting, because i was in the throne room when the light dimmed. it was gay.
just SUPER gay.
"hello, postal dude." hmm? sorry i wasn't paying attention. "I know that we haven't seen each other in a long time." who are you again? "and I know that we don't have a very good... history, but I need your help." wait a tic, stupid white horse, your stupid horse face reminds me... of someone. "I am willing to put aside our differences for the greater good." was it discord? was it Luna? who was it?
wait.
WAIT.
Celestia.
that's who this bitch is! she's the one who put me here!
"so I am going to release you, under one condition." hold it for a sec, I'm busy hating you in my head. FUCK YOU CELESTIA YOU SHIT-CUNT HORSEFUCKER COCK-GOBBLING TWAT! IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR HORN OFF AND STUFF IT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT COMES BACK OUT YOUR FOREHEAD- wait what did you say?
"alright, twilight, girls, ready the elements." six other ponies with jewelry on their necks, who I did not notice, for some reason, nod, and their eyes glowed white. they floated up, and their jewelry flashed rainbows, and I could suddenly move again.
really, it was all just SO gay.
Celestia was nervous. sure, she had nothing to worry about, she was positive that The Postal Dude would be able to see reason, this was a really bad situation and he could help immensely. she was sure. as the smoke from the elements of harmony faded, she started to feel an immense pressure. good that meant that he was awake.
she cleared her throat. "mr. -"
he raised a claw. "stop right the fuck there, princess shitstain. I personally don't care what you have to say. just tell me what you would have me do."
she sighed. "You haven't changed at all in these thousand years, have you, Postal Dude?"
"please, call me P. Daddy."
"Hi DADDY!" Pinkie Pie. "hey so now that you're out of that nasty stone prison do you want a party JK, I'm going to throw you one anyway what kind of cake do you like?"
he picked her up by the scruff of her neck, whispered something probably vulgar in her ear, and proceeded to throw her out an open window.
"now that that's out of the way, what did you want?"
she opened her mouth, but was quickly interrupted again. "AUNTY!"
oh crap.
I was JUST about to ask where the one whiney noble was. and boy, he passed all the checks.
fancy clothes in an all nudist culture? CHECK.
fucked up hair that was supposed to look nice, but just looked stupid? CHECK.
agonizingly feminine voice that shouldn't exist? CHECKAROOTY-TOOTY!
all that the little shit needed now was-
"not now, blueblood, I'm doing something."
OH. MY. GOD. his name is BLUEBLOOD. this is beautiful.
"aunty, I don't care what you're doing that has to do with monkeys, but it can't possibly be more important than what I have to say. I'm IMPORTANT!" hoo-boy, this'll be great.
Celestia let out an exaggerated sigh, and almost whispered, "what is it Yoda, I mean Blueblood."
"MY PETUNIAS ARE WILTING!! I demand that you raise taxes so I can water them more!" THAT was fun. my turn now.
"Hold the fuck up! no one gives a shit about your petunias! I Don't know who any of the fuck you are, I just got out of a statue, BUT! I already know one thing!" I pointed at him. "you are A FAT FUCK-TWAT WHO I HONESTLY CAN"T BELIEVE IS PART OF THE ROYAL FAMILY. you are a cancer, and so help me god, I am the cure." I rushed towards him, and hugged him tight.
"Dennis I'm sorry I yelled at you just then. what we're gonna do now, is i'm gonna learn ya how to play butt ball.
as the medic ponies carted the poor, traumatized blueblood away, I turned back to Celestia. "well? what do you want?"
"mmhm. as I was saying, I need you to do something."
"really. well I can do that."
I walked towards her, and planted a big wet one on her lips. "there. I did something. Bye!"
"that's not- I didn't- POSTAL DUDE I swear if you leave..."
i threw up my hands. "ooh, we got a badass here. alright, alright, I'll listen, but can we do this later? I haven't eaten since the a millennia ago."