Eager to get things going once again, I reached for the stack of black cards in the middle. I took the top card from the stack and began reading it almost immediately. "In the seventh circle of Hell...wait," I paused, an idea coming to mind, "Let's do it like this. In the seventh circle of Tartarus, sinners must endure _____ for all eternity." I felt that the impromptu correction I had made would sit better with everyone who was playing.

Like I expected, everyone else took a minute to look over their cards and see which one was the best to give to me. As Twilight floated her card over to me, I looked over at Discord, who looked as if he was about to unleash an evil laugh. I also heard Rainbow Dash giggle mischievously as she and the 3 elder alicorns floated their choices over to me. "You guys ready?" I asked as the sixth white card landed in front of me. Everyone nodded, so I went ahead and started. "In the seventh circle of Tartarus, sinners must endure getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick for all eternity." This elicited loud laughs from both Twilight and Discord, but I was surprised to see Celestia and Luna giggling along with them. "Wait, how do you..."

"Oh, I've told them about many things from your world," Discord said as he finished laughing.

"Except this game?" I asked.

"Correct. I wanted to wait and see if it would be brought to this world somehow before I'd tell them all about it."

"Well, I don't know if you'll need to do that at this point, Discord," Cadance mentioned.

"You're right, Cadance," the draconequus replied, "I'll just let them figure it out for themselves. Anyway..." he finished, looking back at me.

"In the seventh circle of Tartarus," I continued, "Sinners must endure a sad handjob for all eternity." I giggled at that. "Sinners must endure explosions for all eternity. That's...pretty much on the money right there. Sinners must endure ominous background music for all eternity." I laughed internally. "Sinners must endure..." I began to laugh rather loudly. "...a face full of horse cum for all eternity!" This earned equally-as-loud laugh from all the ponies in the group. "Wow! Nice! Sinners must endure A Black Mamba for all eternity." As I finished reading the last card, I knew I was going to have trouble deciding the winner. "Ooooh...boy. This may take me a while." After about ten seconds of deliberation, I said, "I'm gonna have to go with getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick."

"Yes!" the pegasus to my left exclaimed as she shot up in the air, "Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Who's gonna this this game!? Huh!? Who's gonna win this game!?" Rainbow asked, staring Twilight dead in the eyes.

Twilight merely smiled and replied, "I don't know, Rainbow."

"Ugh...you're no fun," Rainbow sarcastically replied, "Anyway," she continued, reaching for the next black card, as she was to my left, "Dear Abby, I'm having some trouble with _____ and would like your advice."

As I handed my card over to Rainbow, I couldn't help but notice everyone else having a rather hard time choosing which card they were going to play. I knew this meant that the upcoming results would either be overly hilarious or just downright terrible.

Rainbow began to read the cards once she received the sixth one. "Okay," she continued, "Dear Abby, I'm having some trouble with getting shot out of a cannon and would like your advice. Hmmm... Good, but... nah. I'm having some trouble with an ugly face and would like your advice. That sounds a bit more realistic. I'm having some trouble with breastfeeding a ten year old and would like your advice."

"Wait, what??" Luna asked out of nowhere.

"Well, no wonder you're having trouble! Geez!" Rainbow said while laughing, "I'm having some trouble with teaching a robot to love and would like your advice. That's pretty good, too. I'm having some trouble with being fat and stupid and would like your advice. Heh, now we're gettin' somewhere. I'm having some trouble with eugenics and would like your advice. Nah. Who had teaching a robot to love?"

"I did!" I replied.

"Oh, come on!" Discord exclaimed, "Mine was golden!"

"Which one was yours?" Rainbow asked.

"Being fat and stupid!"

"Meh, it was a close second. Actually...more like a close third." Discord only shrugged at Rainbow's response.

"My turn!" Twilight said, excitedly. Never did I think she would get so excited over this game. "After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought _____ to the people of...Hhhhhaaaiiii...Hhhaaiiit..."

"Haiti," I said.

"Haiti. Thanks," Twilight replied, "Who's Sean Penn, anyway?"

"He's someone from the film industry," I told her. Twilight didn't give a verbal response, but I figured she heard me.

Everyone, from my vantage point, seemed rather confident at what they were putting in. It only made me more curious as to what Twilight was about to read. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait very long. "After the earthquake," Twilight continued, "Sean Penn brought a plunger to the face to the people of Haiti." I heard a few of us giggle at that. "Well, then..." Twilight continued, "After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought a fleshlight to the people of Haiti."

"Hahaha!" Discord laughed out loud.

"What's a..."

"Don't ask, Twilight..." I interrupted, "Just don't..."

"Oooookay?" the purple alicorn continued, "After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought flying robots that kill people to the people of Haiti." There were a couple of cringes in response, but also a few light laughs. "Sean Penn brought Harry Potter erotica to the people of Haiti." This caused Discord to laugh again, along with Rainbow and I. "Sean Penn brought the moist demanding chasm of his mouth to the people of Haiti." I immediately saw Cadance and Luna trying to stifle their giggles behind their forehooves. I, myself, giggled as well. "Sean Penn brought Hurricane Katrina to the people of Haiti."

"Okay, I'll admit that's rather dark," Discord said.

"You're right," Twilight replied, "Still, I don't think I can make a clear decision right off the bat. I'm gonna have to randomize all of these." With that, Twilight took all six white cards in her magic and mixed them around. This lasted for about ten seconds before she said, "Okay. After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought Hurricane Katrina to the people of Haiti."

"That's me!" Cadance exclaimed, excitedly. The pink alicorn was too excited to remember that it was her turn to be the Card Czar.

"Uhhh...Cadance?" I asked, pointing to the stack of black cards at the center of the table.

"Oh, right! Sorry," she replied with a guilty expression on her face. She then took the next card in her magic and said, "The secret to a lasting marriage is communication, communication, and _____."

"Dat ass," I immediately said.

"Huh?" Rainbow asked in response.

"Sorry," I continued, "I played that card a while ago on this black card and I won."

"Well, I can certainly see why," Discord responded.

After the mini conversation ended, we all either floated or handed our choices over to Cadance. "Okay," she soon began, "The secret to a lasting marriage is communication, communication, and a bloody pacifier." Given that the Princess of Love was expecting a foal, we all cringed upon hearing that card. "Communication, communication, and lots and lots of abortions."

"Geez, guys! Come on!" I said, not too thrilled about seeing two dark, baby-related cards in a row.

"Communication, communication, and getting caught by the police and going to jail. That's a little better. Communication, communication, and pumping out a baby every nine months."

"Think of it as eleven months in this case," I said to Cadance.

"Okay," she replied, "I guess that's a little funny." I was getting worried that Cadance wasn't enjoying the game all that much all of a sudden, but then... "Communication, communication, and the secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction. There we go!" I internally breathed a sigh of relief. "Communication, communication, and my ex-wife. Okay, who had the secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction?"

"That would be me!" Celestia replied, taking the black card in her magic and floating it over to herself.

While the white alicorn claimed her Awesome Point, Luna reached for the next black card with her magic. "Okay, let's see what we have here," she began, "What is Batman's guilty pleasure?"

"I could think of plenty of possibilities," Discord replied as he set a card in front of the Princess of the Night. I then heard him laugh as he drew another card.

"Is Batman some type of superhero?" Luna asked.

"Yes, he is," I replied.

"Okay, thank you," Luna finished, and as she did, the rest of the cards arrived in front of her. She then took them in her magic and began to read. "What is Batman's guilty pleasure? Civilian casualties."

All of a sudden, in a cloud of smoke, Discord disappeared, then reappeared as a news reporter that, to me, resembled Ron Burgundy quite well. He had a desk, chair, and everything that was essential in a news studio. "This just in!" he began, "Superhero or Super-Zero? Rumors that Batman has seemed to take immense pleasure in all of the people his villains have killed have started to spread around the city. More after this."

The rest of us couldn't help but laugh at Discord's hilarious antics. "Thank you kindly, Discord," Luna continued, letting loose a few random chuckles as she spoke, "Anyway, derping around lazily for no apparent reason. Ummm..."

"It means you're just doing nothing productive," I told her.

"Thank you," Luna replied before looking at the next card, "Sniffing glue. I suppose. Panda sex." This earned a short laugh from Rainbow Dash. "Being a dick to children." Rainbow laughed once again, along with a few giggles from Discord. "And finally, preteens. Mmmm...no. Let's see... I think I'm going to have to pick civilian casualties."

"Sweet!" I exclaimed as I took the lead.

When Celestia took the next card, she paused briefly. "Excuse me," she began, "This card says, 'Pick 2'."

"Oh, that means you play two cards instead of one!" Twilight immediately replied.

"It's the first blank on the bottom and the second one on top of it, right?" Rainbow asked, turning her head to face me.

"Correct," I replied.

"Very well, then," Celestia continued, "Well if _____ is good enough for _____, it's good enough for me."

'Pick 2' cards, along with 'Draw 2, Pick 3' cards, were a little more difficult than the regular cards, in my opinion. Sometimes I was left with no two cards that went together all that well. Thankfully, I had two that I hoped would work together.

"I'm just gonna throw these away," Cadance said, "I've got nothing too amusing."

"Hey, happens to the best of us," I replied.

Soon, Celestia had twelve white cards in front of her and was ready to read them off. "Well," she began, "If nothing is good enough for the token minority, it's good enough for me."

"Damn..." I said, my hand covering my mouth. I felt that Discord and I were the only ones who understood that reference, making me curious as to whether or not Celestia would go with it later.

"Well if celebrity gangrape is good enough for the morbidly obese, it's good enough for me. Mmmm...not really. Well if whipping it out is good enough for maximal insertion, it's good enough for me." I responded my clapping my hands several times. That may not have been the ultimate combo, but is sure as heck was a decent one. "Well if a box within a box is good enough for letting everyone down, it's good enough for me. That sounds reasonable. Well if injecting speed into one arm and horse tranquilizer into the other is good enough for sunshine and rainbows, it's good enough for me."

"That's certainly possible," Discord said.

"Well if a botched circumcision is good enough for moral ambiguity, it's good enough for me. I don't think so. I think it would be most appropriate to go with whipping it out and maximal insertion. Who had that?"

"I did!" Rainbow replied immediately. Celestia then floated the Awesome Point over to the pegasus while an excited-looking Discord reached for the stack of black cards.

"Oh," Discord began, "How I've longed for this moment for...oh, however long it's been since I've last played this game," he finished in rapid succession. He then picked up the next black card and read it in a very low voice, one that was sounded like an off-screen voice over for a movie trailer. "In a world ravaged by _____, our only solace is _____."

Hearing something spoken so dramatically only to have it be bombarded by a pair of blanks was pretty funny, but not something which I'd want to give an audible laugh at.

Again, it took a while, but everyone soon picked a pair of cards to give to Discord. I obviously had no way of knowin five of the six combinations, but I couldn't wait to see how the draconequus reacted to them. Ever since I first played Cards Against Humanity, I had always wondered how Discord and Celestia would handle this game, and so far, they seemed to be enjoying it as much as I was, and some of their reactions and/or faces they made at certain cards was rather entertaining to watch.

"Let's see, now," Discord continued in his low tone. He then enhanced the mood by using his chaotic magic to dim whatever light was in the room slightly, and he kept an imaginary spotlight centered on his face, as if he was the one telling a scary story around a campfire. "In a world ravaged by Russian super-tuberculosis, our only solace is crying and shitting and eating spaghetti." Hearing something that ridiculous read like that made me laugh, as well as a few others. "In a world ravaged by bullshit, our only solace is AIDS monkeys."

"Hahahahaha!" Rainbow laughed as she nearly fell out of her chair from laughing so hard.

"In a world ravaged by unfathomable stupidity, our only solace is a lamprey swimming up the toilet and latching onto your taint. Hmmm... Interesting... In a world ravaged by police brutality, our only solace is two whales fucking the shit out of each other."

"Pffft...Hahaha!!" Cadance laughed, "This game is ridiculous and yet I love it already!" The pink alicorn wasn't the only one laughing, as Celestia couldn't help but let loose a few giggles of her own.

"In a world ravaged by masturbation, our only solace is ethnic cleansing. Well then... That made a rather large amount of sense. Finally, in..." the draconequus paused all of a sudden, only to un-dim the room and forego his low vocal tone, "Oh, whoever played this last one automatically wins!"

"Why?" Luna, Rainbow, and I asked in unison.

"You're about to find out!" Discord replied, chuckling lightly as he spoke, "In a world ravaged by a sea of troubles, our only solace is the biggest...BLACKest...DICK!!!"

"Woo-hoo!" Twilight exclaimed while throwing her forehooves in the air.

"That was you, Twilight?" I asked the purple alicorn.

"Yep!" she replied as she received her awesome point from Discord, "That card was among my first ten!"

"Lucky..." I thought to myself. In most scenarios, the biggest blackest dick was an automatic trump card, so I completely understood why Discord's delivery style changed drastically almost instantly. It was as if I knew it was coming the moment he brought back all the light he had dimmed away.

"Well..." Luna spoke up, "I must say, that was rather...unusual, but I think I could get used to this game."

"Awesome!" Rainbow replied. I, myself, was also happy that Luna was getting into it very well. I was afraid that spending 1,000 years on the moon would have deprived her of excitement in scenarios like this, but then again, Twilight did teach her how to have fun at one point.

"You guys want a break before the next round?" I asked the other six.

"Yeah!" came the voices of almost everyone else all at once. I got up and stretched a little as others left the room to take care of other business.

I knew this game was going to be a rather interesting one, and I couldn't wait to see what shenanigans would ensue.

Author's Note

After the first round, the score is as follows:

Me: 2
Rainbow Dash: 2
Twilight: 1
Cadance: 1
Luna: 0
Celestia: 1
Discord: 0