“Pinkie's Dick” and other Uninvited Thoughts

Up bright and early, Rainbow Dash came in for a landing in the peaceful market square. It was pantry-restocking day, and this was the perfect time to hit the food stalls.

"Hi Dashie! Great afternoon!"

Early for Rainbow Dash, that is. The Pegasus turned around to see Pinkie Pie waving from across the square. She jumped a little back into the air and glided over, landing next to her curly-maned friend.

Rainbow replied, "Thanks. It only took a few minutes to set up."

They started walking together past the semi-permanent stalls set up to sell various wares, with Dash kicking into the air again to hover a few inches off the ground and Pinkie bouncing along beside her. Pinkie prattled on about her morning as Dash looked for the goods on her list.

An odd reference to birdbaths caused her to turn to look at her pink friend, opening her mouth to prod for clarification. As Dash's eyes beheld Pinkie's prancing profile, her mouth froze open, question forgotten. There was something beneath the pink mare, jiggling with each bounce. Rainbow Dash stopped moving, dropping to the ground as she continued to stare.

Pinkie stopped as well, turning to look at the stunned blue Pegasus, eyes completely innocent as they always were. "What is it, Dashie?"

A dick, Dash answered silently to herself. She shook her head and blinked, but it didn't go away. She forced herself to turn away from Pinkie's fully erect phallus and look into her face. Dash slowly worked her mouth into a new question. "Is there something you want to tell me, Pinkie?"

"Well, now that you mention it, I was wondering if I could borrow a cloud chair for a party tomorrow-" Pinkie began.

Dash interrupted. "No, that's not what I mean!" She looked back at Pinkie's rear, only now noticing the pink ribbons running down the pony's thighs and under her tail. A little bit of tension drained away at the realization that her friend hadn't grown another body part; it was just a toy. Still...

Dash tried again. "Why are you wearing a strap-on in the middle of the market?"

Pinkie giggled. "Because the dildo wouldn't stay on by itself!"

Dash was struck silent again, her jaw working as she tried to reassess her approach. It was then that she spotted another familiar face nearby.

"Hey, Rarity!" The Pegasus waved with a hoof, flaring her wings to further grab the Unicorn's attention.

The white-coated pony strolled over. "Good afternoon, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie." She noted that Rainbow's expression was a mix of worry and annoyance. "Is something wrong?"

Dash did not speak, merely gesturing at Pinkie's unusual fashion accessory.

Rarity looked for a moment, then turned back to Rainbow Dash. "That's Pinkie Pie, dear."

“I know it's Pinkie Pie, but look what she's wearing!” Rainbow jabbed her hoof violently at the pink phallus, nearly poking it.

The normally annoyingly proper Unicorn gave the accessory another cursory glance before facing Dash again, a look of mild perplexity on her face. “What about it?”

Jaw clenched in frustration, Dash tried again. “Why is she wearing a sex toy?”

Rarity tilted her head, seemingly confused. “Have you asked her?”

“Yes.”

“And what did she say?” Rarity prodded.

“Ooh, ooh!” Pinkie jumped back into the conversation, her fake penis bouncing distractingly as she hopped in place, “I know this one! I said, ‘Because the dildo wouldn't stay on by itself!’ Then Dashie gave me a look like this-” Pinkie paused to mimic Rainbow Dash's earlier expression, “and then she spotted you walking over there, and called out and waved you over-”

“I think Rarity gets the picture, Pinkie Pie.” Dash asserted over the explanation. A hoof had found its way to the top of Dash's snout, where it was rubbing in slow, hopefully calming circles.

“So,” Rarity's tone compelled Dash to pay attention. “Pinkie is wearing an artificial appendage, and you seem rather frustrated about it. Do you want her to take it off?”

“Yes- no! I…” Rainbow Dash swallowed to prevent any more words from coming out before she could finish processing the question. “…It's just weird, is all.”

A small smile crossed Rarity's face. “And Pinkie Pie being ‘weird’ is… unusual?”

“Well, no…” Dash looked at the ground, biting her lip as she tried to figure out what Rarity was getting at.

“So you are bothered by Pinkie Pie being herself?”

Dash's eyes snapped back to Rarity's face. “She's not being herself, though. She… she…”

“Doesn't usually have a dick?” That was Pinkie again, just as Dash had begun to forget she was there. The chubby pink mare was grinning wildly, for some reason only she knew.

After a brief pause, Dash said “Yes.” She didn't sound convinced of her own answer, though.

“Is there a particular reason why Pinkie shouldn't have a ‘dick’?” Rarity handled the word very delicately.

There was another pause as Rainbow Dash pondered the question. “I… I guess not?”

“There shouldn't be a problem, then!” Rarity broke into a full smile, as though the situation was resolved. “This is fantastic weather, by the way.” Rarity began to walk away, passing Pinkie Pie as she went and sparing one final glance at the object that had started this all. “And that matches your coat perfectly, Pinkie! It's simply marvelous.” The Unicorn then trotted off into the market.

Rainbow Dash stood still, her brain failing to come up with any useful instructions for her legs. That was Rarity, of all ponies. The mare who got upset when somepony so much as wore a tattered hat. What just happened?

Meanwhile, Pinkie's attention had wandered to other things. “Hey look, hay! That was on your list!” The rosy enigma bounced off into the crowd, her artificial appendage slapping her tummy rhythmically. Dash had to admit that hay was on her list, so she began to slowly follow.

A lot of Pinkie jiggled when she moved, Dash mused. Her cotton-like mane bobbed up and down; her bushy tail swung about; even her sweet-augmented butt… “She's adorable.”

Dash jumped a good meter into the air at the masculine voice. She looked frantically to the side to find a sleek, gray-coated stallion walking right next to her. He didn't seem to have noticed her startle, and continued to gaze forward at… Pinkie Pie?

Rainbow Dash gave him a look. Thunderlane was a good friend from the weather team, but she'd never heard him express interest in Pinkie before. And she was pretty sure that he swung the other way.

Before Dash could say anything, the unexpected walking buddy spoke again, loudly, but seemingly to himself. “I have this urge to run up and hug her. Sniff her cotton-candy mane. Nuzzle against that jiggling butt. Let her pierce me with that massive shaft…” The stallion sighed wistfully, then turned away from his object of attention, looking around the market. He soon found Rainbow Dash, whose mouth was hanging open a bit at the unexpected talk. “Oh, hey Dash, didn't see you there. I've gotta fly; see you tomorrow, though!” With that, Thunderlane leapt into the sky and soared off as if nothing had happened.

Dash's mouth tried out a few shapes before slipping shut, unable to decide on a sound. She resumed following Pinkie, who had by now stopped near a set of stalls and was chatting with a hay salesmare. As she approached, Dash again found herself examining her friend, this time broadside. Thunderlane was right, that was a pretty big dildo. Dash found herself smiling at the thought that it matched the rest of the mare's chubby torso. When she realized this, she twisted her face back into neutral; it was still weird.

Almost to the hay stall, Dash caught sight of the apple stall, where her friend Applejack was standing. She waved and called out, and the farmer looked over. AJ's mouth traced into a thin line and she raised a hoof in greeting before turning to an approaching customer. That was distinctly less friendly than usual, and Dash had almost decided to head over and see what was up when another pony wandered into her vision much closer up; pretty much in front of her snout, in fact.

Dash jumped back a little in order to see that it was Twilight Sparkle, resident princess and another good friend. After the initial shock, Dash decided to ask for Twilight's help in discussing social norms with Pinkie Pie. She started her plea, trying to ignore the slightly-too-wide grin on the Alicorn's face. “Twilight! I sort of need your help with Pinkie Pie-”

Before Dash could go further, the purple mare in front of her jumped in. “Oh, hello Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Pie? Sure, I can help with that! She's an admirable mare, isn't she? Confident, cute, peppy… pink. So anyway, what do you need my assistance for?”

Dash blinked, trying to catch up to the rapid flow of words. Twilight wasn't usually this excitable. Was anypony going to act normal today? “Uh…” Dash swallowed. “Well, Pinkie Pie is… being Pinkie Pie, and I need you to convince her of something. She's wearing this-”

“Hi, Twilight!” Pinkie appeared next to them, drowning Dash out.

“Why hello, Pinkie Pie!” Twilight's over-enthusiastic greeting was all the more strange in that she didn't actually turn to look at Pinkie to say it. “What were you saying, Rainbow Dash? Was Pinkie being-” Twilight paused, and brought a peace of paper out in front of her with her magic. “Uh, ‘her usual entertaining self?’ No, wait…” As Twilight searched for the right words, which were apparently written on note paper, a shout rang out from a few stalls down.

“Oh, fer cryin' out loud!” Dash, Twilight, and Pinkie looked over to see Applejack with her forelegs pushing down against her fruit stand, staring back at them with what appeared to be immense frustration. “Dash, Pinkie wants to fuck you! There, the nonsense is over with.” Applejack went back down to all-fours, huffing.

Twilight gave the farmer a disapproving stare, to which Applejack rolled her eyes. At the same time, Rainbow Dash turned toward Pinkie. “You really want to fuck me?”

Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “Of course! Who wouldn't?”

A smirk grew across Dash's face. This wasn't weird, this was fantastic! “You game right now?”

“Sure!” Pinkie hopped giddily in place.

Hearing this exchange, Applejack smiled confidently back at Twilight, to which Twilight failed to find an adequate retort.

Rainbow Dash jumped once, turning in the air to face away from Pinkie. She landed in a crouching position, hindquarters held high and tail flicked back.

Applejack's smile slipped. “Wait a sec- Not Here! Pinkie!”

The freshly minted pair, however, was too busy to take notice of their friend's distress.