Earmuffs, Defenestration, and a Toothy Grin.
Author's Note
Due to rampant inebriation the first two chapters are pretty rambly and nonsensical.
This is intentional.
The plot and events will start making some form of sense later.
Probably.
Enjoy.
-smeg
Earmuffs, Defenestration, and a Toothy Grin.
A Turn Towards The Weird
1. Earmuffs, Defenestration, and a Toothy Grin.
The school cafeteria was buzzing with life, the background noise levels somewhere between 'annoying' and 'rage-inducing'.
On a normal day, Lyra Heartstrings, high school student of indeterminate age, would already have spent seven minutes contemplating the pros and cons of buying some hearing protection.
The problem she never managed to solve before the end of her lunch break wasn't pro-and-con-related in any way.
It was merely a question of personal taste, but it was a question she'd never managed to answer during any one of her lunch breaks thus far.
Military or construction?
Neither model was particularly pleasant to look at, both were in the same price range, and the differences they offered in protection were minor enough to ignore.
Still, after watching one too many anti-everything YouTube videos during her awkward high school anarchist phase, she couldn't decide between funding the military-industrial complex, or supporting a branch as male-dominated as construction.
Roughly at this point Lyra would turn to her best -some would say only- friend Bon Bon for advice.
But Bon Bon wasn't here. In fact, she was neither here, nor there, nor anywhere.
So Lyra sat alone, which she didn't like very much.
Her high school anarchist phase, while thankfully short, had still left her with more than enough time to sit alone, devising complex plans on the subject of toppling her parents like the authoritarian icons they were, ushering the Heartstrings household into an age of naturalistic individualism.
Fortunately, her lunch break always ended before she could touch upon the ethics of hunting down her family members for sustenance.
Sadly, as her political interests gradually disappeared, so did the joys of sitting alone.
One can only mentally compare different earmuffs and the ethics of supporting whichever aspect of patriarchal jingoist capitalism each represents before one's thoughts turn to what exactly went wrong in one's life.
Hence, Bon Bon came in handy whenever regret-filled introspection seemed too close for comfort.
But she was nowhere to be found.
Sensing an opening to force herself into, Rainbow Dash, all-around all-star and avatar of athleticism, decided that a crowded lunch table in the middle of the hall was the best place to show off her newest cheer-wrestling routine.
She'd practiced it for weeks, non-stop. It was amazing.
Beginning from the scorpion pose, she'd perform exactly one-and-a-half back-flips with her arms extended and palms spread. Upon landing in a handstand, she'd perform a rapid full-body spin and transition into the arch pose, from where she'd execute a backwards arabesque in the direction of the opposing team's flyer before jumping pieds joints upon touching the ground.
If executed correctly, her momentum would -theoretically, at least- launch her across a standard NFL football field straight into the opposing cheer squad's pyramid, allowing her to dropkick the flyer before transitioning into a corkscrew moonsault directed at the opposing team's coach.
The first -and last- time cheer-wrestling was seen in any form of competitive sport was in the 61st annual Canterlot High - Crystal Prep grudge match, where it caused more compound fractures, ruptured tissue, PTSD and chipped nails than all of the CHS - CPS football matches combined.
It was promptly banned from all following games.
Incidentally, usage of cheer-wrestling also constitutes a violation of the Geneva Convention and plain human decency, and according to a Pentagon report regarding the ongoing War on Terror, is the sole reason for Operation Desert Pom-Pom.
War crimes aside, Rainbow's dedication and willingness to give everything she's got has not only carried her through life, but has also won her more competitions, prizes and admiration than she could count.
That is, at least seven.
Now, Rainbow Dash might be the most successful female athlete Canterlot High has ever seen, but a tragic side effect of her attention-seeking ways is a tendency to not think everything through, brain damage and a lust for the limelight rendering most of her plans either outright hazardous or just plain stupid.
Although she'd practiced the routine for weeks and planned everything about it down to the last detail, there was one thing she'd overlooked when choosing the cafeteria table as her stage.
Football fields aren't covered with mashed potatoes and gravy.
The noise in the cafeteria was deafening, and Lyra found herself desperately wishing for a pair of nice, non-oppressive earmuffs. A few decibels later, she found herself less interested in ethics, and more interested in not losing her hearing.
Whether the potential muffs were ethically hand-picked from the finest muff trees in Canada or made from ground Dodo beaks painted with industrial waste using a living baby seal as a brush was the last thing on Lyra's mind.
Rainbow assumed the scorpion pose, and to the thunderous chants and applause of the whole school, slipped on a particularly slippery patch of gravy, failed spectacularly at all one-point-five back-flips, and bailed off the table.
Right into Pinkie Pie's pogo stick.
A cartoonish 'boing' sound, a tomboyish scream of abject terror, the sound of glass shattering against Rainbow's skull and an audible 'tick' as her IQ dropped by another point left the cafeteria oddly quiet.
The prismatic daredevil having left the building by way of involuntary defenestration and their main source of entertainment gone for the foreseeable future, the students returned to their tables disappointed and confused.
This had the added effect of slightly muting most conversations for roughly five seconds, just so Lyra could tearfully remember what lunch breaks might sound like in a better world.
Looking around for anything she could use as makeshift hearing protection, her gaze finally returned to her plate after a long, fruitless search.
What she saw on her plate, however, gave her the familiar I'm-regretting-this-in-advance feeling that she got whenever her subconscious saw a solution that would probably just create a new host of problems.
She almost decided to just tough it out instead.
Finding out Fluttershy brought her chihuahua to school was the straw that broke the camel's back. As the first high-pitched yap ravaged her eardrums, Lyra ground her teeth and swore violent, brutal vengeance upon all dogkind.
As far from on cue as possible, akin to a lonely billiard ball drifting in the endless void of space, Bon Bon walked in, wearing the biggest grin Lyra would ever see.
Bon Bon and her wide grin scanned the cafeteria, and upon spotting her green-haired B.F.F. -some would say O.F.F- she started producing the excited little noises that would annoy Lyra just enough to make her come over ASAP, but not enough to make her friend contemplate the ethics of hunting Bon Bon and her grin for sustenance.
Bon Bon squeaked and squee'd. Occasionally, she mixed it up with little peeps here and there. She waved while bouncing up and down, grin still widely in place, the very picture of wholesome, girlish enthusiasm. She did all of that and more, until she sounded like an ambient recording of an anime convention for small rodents set in a rapidly sinking boat.
But Lyra did not stir.
She would have yelled at Lyra, if she'd been able to. For some reason, she was completely incapable of doing so.
Instead, she was relegated to frustrated squeaks and other assorted noises typically associated with brutal, unfair death and an affinity for cheese.
Meanwhile, Lyra sat in her chair with a completely blissful look on her face and a pair of green, leafy hair decorations on either side of her head.
Bon Bon was going to ruin it. Ruin everything.
Taking quick, determined strides, she drew closer every second, grin still in place, her attempts at making it more like a frown failing miserably. Not for lack of trying.
Mere seconds later, a fuming Bon Bon stood in front of a completely unaware, potentially helpless Lyra.
Her toothy grin felt a lot more fitting now, and even grew a quarter-inch wider.
And promptly shrunk back down when she saw just why her friend didn't so much as look up today, despite Bon Bon making the types of noises that once led Lyra to -in one of her more eloquent moments- describe her friend as a 'noxious scaffolding of human filth.'
A Turn Towards The Weird
2. Celery and Glue.
Lyra Heartstrings was in heaven.
Sure, she'd been worried that her plan would turn out like most of her plans, and backfire in some way that would seem glaringly obvious in hindsight.
Honestly, she'd been a bit on the fence about spooning chocolate pudding in her ears at first. The consistency, although eerily similar to foam earplugs, was still a bit too soft, and, well, chocolatey.
Her first plan was a no-go. Mashed potatoes would have been an okay idea, if the mash was made with real potatoes, that is. Like anyone with the opportunity to enjoy carelessly made mashed potatoes, she knew that finding a couple perfectly-sized bits of raw potato in the mash took seconds, at most.
Sadly, Plan B fell as flat as a two-dimensional pancake, since the kitchen used instant mash powder.
Fortunately, she'd managed to tolerate the canine spawn of Beelzebub and it's inconsiderate noises long enough to improvise a Plan C.
It was perfect. It was genius. It didn't even make her pre-regret anything.
And the silence? It was glorious. Lunch break might even turn into her favorite part of the school day.
Struck by the alarming feeling of being watched and a faint smell of glue, Lyra opened her eyes.
She was immediately greeted by a face full of teeth.
Lyra snuck a quick peek behind the grin and saw some Bon Bon look back at her.
Bon Bon was also frantically gesturing in seemingly random directions constantly, from Lyra's ears to Bon Bon's mouth to Lyra's ears to Bon Bon's mouth.
Lyra blinked slowly. There was a distinct feeling of pre-regret sneaking up on her, along with a dull, throbbing pain in her ears.
''One day you'll show them, Lyra Heartstrings...'' the minty-haired girl might have said, before pulling the celery stalks out of her ears.
''Pop.'' said the celery stalks.
The salad components rested forlornly on her plate again, now tainted with enough knowledge about female orifices to cause most Medieval monasteries to spontaneously burst into flame.
''Hi Bon Bon.''
''Squeak, peep.''
''Stop that.''
Lyra gave a stern, disapproving glare to Bon Bon and crossed her arms, not at all pleased with how everything turned out.
''Mmph, mmff.''
''That's not better.''
Bon Bon squeaked a sad squeak, like a depressed rubber chicken crying itself to sleep.
Lyra's gaze remained steely as she stared into Bon Bon's eyes. Or tried to. With the amount of grin in the way, it was like staring into a pile of snow on a sunny day.
Lyra's eyes watered. The whiteness was all-encompassing.
There was a faint smell of glue.
Lyra decided to look away before the grin eclipsed Bon Bon completely, and noticed how harmoniously quiet it was.
Technically, Plan C had worked. Puncturing her eardrums with celery was not what she'd hoped to accomplish, but it had the desired effect regardless.
Also, she was deaf now. Possibly forever.
This was very disturbing.
Lyra screamed, whether from sadness or as a way of giving back for years of auditory torture she didn't know. For some reason, screaming hurt her ears, so she stopped.
''Hmmhmm?!''
Blink.
''Wait. Say that again.''
''Hmmhmm?'' Bon Bon repeated herself, a confused tone to her hmm.
Blink.
''Hey Bon Bon?''
''Hmm?''
Lyra smiled at her friend.
''Good news. I'm not deaf.''
''Mhfhm.''
''I know.''
Bon Bon shot her a look that clearly said 'no, you don't'.
''No, you don't.'' the look clearly said.
Blink.
Pause.
''Is it just me, or has everything taken a turn towards the weird lately?''
''Hmm hmm?''
Lyra gave Bon Bon a look of tired surprise. Bon Bon put it in her pocket.
''I fell asleep in the cafeteria with celery stalks in my ears and almost ruined my hearing.''
She scanned the cafeteria, trying to look for something that would help the world make sense.
Huh. Interesting.
''Also, I thought I was going deaf because this place was so quiet, but everybody just went to class instead. I think.''
Lyra pursed her lips thoughtfully and gazed into the distance through the hole left by Rainbow Dash.
''In retrospect, it seems kind of contrived. Come on, let's go.''
Bon Bon followed Lyra happily. At least, Lyra assumed her friend was happy. That's what a wide grin does.
A few feet and fewer seconds later, Lyra and Bon Bon stood in front of the school's donation box.
''So, what happened to you? You know, the grin, and the squeaks, and that stuff?''
''Hmmf, m mfhg m mfhg, mmf--''
Blink.
''I don't think this is really getting us anywhere.''
Lyra, determined to solve the mystery of her friend's sudden speechlessness, narrowed her eyes to give the impression of being deep in thought.
It worked.
For a couple of seconds, at least.
Lyra made a mental note to only attempt it when her brain didn't feel like it was desperately trying to stop her from thinking. The mental note promptly disappeared.
Ignoring her confused-looking friend, Bon Bon gave a frustrated 'hmm', opened her bag and upended it on the floor, a look of determination on her face.
The standard assortment of hard candies, emergency make-up, schoolbooks and pencils tumbled out, the flood of everyday items followed by a half-empty gallon bottle of industrial-strength glue.
Bon Bon quickly grabbed the bottle and turned to her friend, Lyra seemingly hard at work analyzing the donation box.
Actually, she was just spacing out, trying to make some sense of her brain.
It wasn't going very well.
Bon Bon interrupted the green-haired girl's feeble attempts with a loud 'hmm', and having gained the attention she wanted, proceeded to upend the canister onto her awaiting teeth.
Fortunately, the cap stayed on.
Bon Bon 'mmh'ed and 'hmmf'ed a couple times, pointing first at the glue canister and then her mouth.
She repeated it until Lyra felt like a total idiot, and 'mmf'ed and pointed a few extra times, just to be on the safe side.
Noting the spark of realization in her friend's eyes, Bon Bon let the canister clatter to the floor, and crossed her arms, trying her best to look satisfied.
Meanwhile, Lyra, her stare now fixed on Bon Bon's mouth, felt incredibly stupid. The smell of glue was a lot stronger now, and Lyra found herself wondering just how she missed the clumps of adhesive stuck to her friend's teeth.
Blink.
''Well, I guess we'll have to get that stuff out of you, right?''
Bon Bon gave a happy nod.
They headed towards the kitchen.
Author's Note
If I had musical talent, I'd probably record a cover of Lightning and Snow by Woods of Ypres, rewrite the lyrics to just be about celery and glue and put it on YouTube.
The song would be called Celery and Glue.
-smeg.
