Vengeance, Card Games and Magic

My arteries also thicken when lying depressed on my school desk thinking of original things to write. That was until I realised that nothing is original and that everything is a rip-off of something else. Plus LK hasn’t updated in a while, so no new jokes from that department. Season 3 finale, why do you pose the problem of completely f*cking up every singe fan fic writer’s story, except for the ones that made stories like that before it was cool. That was… until the actual episode airs and you probably end up making everyone look like complete fools or absolute geniuses. Oh well, at least The Walking Dead has come back from its mid-season finale already. Daryl Dixon is going stomp my ass if I don't start writing the actual story now, so here it is!

Vengeance, Card Games and Magic: The direct result of fanboyitis

Chapter Eleven: The Canon Story Line’s Bitch

"And I thought Season 4 was messed up… and it still is compared to this place!” Yami exclaimed as the chocolate rainstorm from outside raged on, wildly battering at Canterlot Castle's mighty oak doors.

He, along with Fluttershy, Applejack, and Téa were bound together by the unbreakable bond known as friendship. That is, if friendship was a pair of iron-clad shackles for the lot of them, then yes, they were 'friends'. Friends lead by a long chain held by Jaden Yuki, pulling them towards the throne room. Of course, they feared the chains more than their captor, because everyone knows how Jaden makes a kitty become identical to Chtulhu. Not even H.P. Lovecraft saw that one coming.

“Where are we…” Téa observed the slightly run-down castle, following a rat scampering across the marble foor with her eyes. It hissed as she continued speaking, much to the pain of everyone else. “It would make the perfect place to set a romantic fanfic if Jaden had handcuffed my hands to Yami's legs whilst he had a ball-gag on. It would be quite sexy to do it in chains and leather masks."

After a seemingly infinite silence, no words could have summed up Téa's weird fantasy than the wise wisdom Applejack shared. "…Now that was jus' f*cked up."

"Be quiet!" The 'Supreme King' bellowed at his prisoners, creating a squeaking sound as his costume rubbed against his thighs. "It will make my job of kidnapping you a hell of a lot easier if you don't keep reminding me about bad fan fiction!" He directed the last part solely at Téa, who was busy imaging how that very scene with Yami and the handcuffs would play out. Ironically, all of those horrible monstrosities flooded into his mind at once, causing him to shudder violently in disgust. "Ugh, and I thought the yaoi slash fics were bad, and they actually made me want to kill myself."

"Then there would finally be world peace if only that happened, or someone else managed to do that for you. Either way, people would be happier without Jaden Yuki plaguing everyone else's existence." Yami took the opportunity to make everyone (and pony) apart from Jaden feel much better than they currently were.

“Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!!!” Jaden barked aggressively on instinct, not realising exactly what the ancient Pharaoh said but knew it was insulting by nature.

Fluttershy jumped slightly and cringed at the harsh tone of her captor's voice. “Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! I'll be quiet now.” She whispered loudly in retaliation.

“I was talking about Téa!” He gestured towards the fan fic writer, still staring into empty space and fantasizing what should never be thought of or repeated ever again.

Téa could manage only a few words before getting cut off. “But I didn't say anythi–“

“Denied!”

“Finally, someone who agrees with me on that annoying bitch.” Yami tried to weasel his way onto Jaden's good side, trying to find a way of getting out and ditching everyone else. So far the plan was to run and then get shot in the head as he left. Seeing as Téa could be the worst person to be chained to, having himself killed wasn't a bad idea. “Now Jaden, in all seriousness, what is your costume made of: spandex or lycra?”

“Well spandex makes me look like a badass and a male prostitute at the same time…” The Supreme King began rambling on about his marvellous black-studded costume, bedazzled with gold trims.

“Ah called it!” The country pony merrily shouted, cutting off Jaden from speaking any longer. "Now who's gonna pay up their fifty bits again?" She glanced over towards Yami, visibly pissed off from Jaden's response.

Sighing in defeat, the Pharaoh responded calmly, much to his own surprise. “Fine, you'll get your money right after I get a chance to steal Yugi's wallet. And Joey's if he left it in that dog suit of his.”

Picking up from his train of thought, Jaden continued to speak. “But on the other hoof…”

“Hand. You have hands". Téa corrected him.

“On the other hand, lycra is lighter and more breathable despite being too flexible for my liking. So my mom made it out of both for me.”

"Wait, Jaden's mother actually likes him?" Yami spoke softly to himself. "Most peculiar…"

They continued along what remained of the run-down hallway, various objects littering their path leading towards the throne room. A strong veil of bright colours lit up the room as they walked into the vast space.

Beside where Princess Celestia's (extra large) throne would normally reside and be placed under large amounts of pressure stood a man in a French maid's costume, wearing dark-shaded sunglasses that reflected most of the abstract light from his eyes. What was more interesting about this said man in questioning happened to he his ridiculous hair that defied even gravity itself. It extended at least half a meter out in a perfectly formed spike in front of the man.

Now directly above where the throne was supposed to be, it was spinning in the air, defying all rules of gravity in the process. Sitting down on that very throne was the, very disjunct and powerful genius behind Equestria's takeover:

“Yo, Discord, you crazy son of a bitch!" Jaden shouted out to the Spirit of Disharmony, pricking his ears to listen in on what his employee had to probably whine about this time. "I got the hostages you wanted for some reason.”

“Ah, did you bring Fluttershy, Rarity, Yugi, and Mai Valentine for me? My ultimate shipping fantasy is finally going to happen!" Discord squealed in pure delight, moving to the edge of his throne in anticipation. Snapping his fingers, the throne teleported back to its resting place, and himself holding a Post-it note and a pen. "Now all I need is a camcorder and some of those miniature marshmallows as a snack for Miss Rarity.”

“Shipping?!” Téa snapped her head forward in excitement from that single word, blurring out anything else that was being thought about in her mind.

“C-c-c-camcorder?” Became the first thing to come out of Fluttershy's mouth as her eyes instantaneously narrowed in fear from the last time Rainbow Dash filmed her showering and uploaded the video onto YouTube. She then slinked away so that no one in front of Applejack could possibly see her crimson red cheeks of embarrassment.

“Miniaturised marshmallows?!” Yami chortled at the abstract idea of his favorite camping snack becoming smaller than what they already were. "What monstrosities will they think of next? I hope they make something ridiculous like rainbow popcorn. Hah, imagine that rainbow lesbian pony eating some rainbow popcorn! No wait, that rainbow lesbian pony eating rainbnw popcorn and skittles at the same time! She will be tasting the double rainbow as a rainbow! It would be so hilarious! Am I right, Rainbow Da–Oh yeah, she's not here. …I made myself sad."

“Wait, you wanted her? Uh…” Jaden glanced around the once immaculate castle in search for the first thing to blame, until he realised that he didn't quite mess things up this time. “I got Yugi and Fluttershy if that's any compensation?”

“I demand you take that back! How dare you compare me to the likes of him and his copycat ways!”

Téa, being the only one who was willing to be brutally criticized for stating the obvious for the Pharaoh, spoke up. “Yami, he's your future incarnation; of course he would look like you!”

He put out his palm towards Téa, as an indicator for her to be a good girl and talk to the hand. "Give me a moment here… I'm figuring this out myself…"

In the forefront of the ancient Egyptian's wise mind, Yami was faced with a moral dilemma of his own creation. Do I sit in the front seat… or relax in the back seat… For one, more people can see how pretty I am in the front… but then again, crashing into the windshield and having pieces of glass stuck in my beautiful face is not very attractive, though it may leave one cool-looking scar if I'm lucky… and sitting behind someone makes me look inferior and weak… unless it's one of Kaiba's limousine rides which I steal from Yugi. Then I look both handsome and wealthy at the same time! …But it isn't a limo… Why can't it be a limo? Stupid teenagers! Why can't they spend their money on limos instead of video games?

"Hmmm… no." Is what the draconequus replied to his minion's failed mission. "You picked up Applejack, which I was cool with, considering how she's an awesome background character and all." Discord patted the Stenson down so it covered the earth pony's emerald green eyes.

"Say that again an' I'll buck you so hard, y'll look like roadkill." AJ gritted her teeth, knowing fully that she could easily do so in her sleep.

"But, you just had to bring the crazy fan fic writer. Way to not cause chaos and havoc for everyone else! Now I have to deal with her constant friendship speeches and relatively…" He tried to a word that wouldn't be changed if shown to a child-friendly audience. "Flat-chested figure compared to the walking cleavage."

"Why doesn't anyone want me or my body around?" The fan fic writer whined obnoxiously, helping to justify Discord's reasoning for his overwhelming amount of 'Do not want'.

Jaden, feeling pity for Téa, actually said something nice to her. "I'd hit on you if there wasn't any talking involved whatsoever for the rest of our relationship.

"Jaden, I beg of you not to break up with Téa!" Yami shouted, a look of terror perfectly painted on his face.

"Why? Will she go on a murderous rampage and kill every woman who so much as looks at me?"

"No, that's exactly what she won't do. What she will do is end up singing a song about the break-up. And just as a heads up, it's going to be worse than Adele and Taylor Swift combined."

Noticing the deity of Chaos shaking his head in dismay, Jaden immediately snapped at him. "What? Why the f*ck are you pissed off at me? I GOT YOU FLUTTERSHY, YA DICK!"

“You. Screwed. Up." Discord spelled it out crystal clear to his henchman. "But I give you a little bit of credit for your effort. I assumed that you were most likely going to wind up dead on my doorstep after taking on the Pharaoh, yet alone, Fluttershy."

"Sweet! I always knew you… had… faith in me?" Jaden slowly came to a sudden realization.

"At least my bestest friend is here for me to play with!” Discord threw his arms open, bearing a psychotic grin.

"Eep!" Fluttershy retreated once again behind the strong build of Applejack, her eyes only just peering over the side this time round.

“Can I get vacation leave now? 'Cos I can't stand him, and she is really pissing me off now.” Jaden gestured towards the Pharaoh and Téa respectively.

“And now to think of the perfect place I can write about us making love, and then friend zone you after we re-enact my fan fiction word for word.”

“Fine, I guess I can give you a trip to Europe if you'd like.” The draconequus half heartedly suggested, flipping through a couple of cook books and real estate manuals.

“As long as it's Germany this time and not f*cking Venice." Jaden began reminiscing his times in the Italian city. "I don't know about you guys, but random dragon attacks, crappy 3D effects, and cheap Italian accents are so not my thing.”

“Alright then, aufviedersehen! (Though I'll never see you again!)” Discord snapped his fingers, Jaden vanishing almost instantly towards his European 'holiday'.

“Wait, did you sent him back to World War One?" Yami casted a glare of disappointment towards the seemingly 'nice' thing Discord had just done. "Because if you did, you were supposed to take him to the second one of those. That's where all the fun happened in history.”

“Well, I don't know what is so enjoyable about Berlin being invaded by Napoleon in the 1800s, but in no possible way is it as painful as March the 25th, 2011: Now that was a good day for chaos."

“Wait a minute… France invaded another country? And there aren't any references of Nazi Germany?” Yami attempted  to get his head around the seemingly impossible and most likely made up statements of France actually starting wars which didn't result in them surrendering miserably. “Kudos for originality!”

≤But everyone knows about Nazis! No one gives a crap about a short man who conquered Europe and died of a bleeding ass. Jokes about World War Two are the only good jokes about Germany!≥

[Hmmmm, we dislike thiss one alot, my Precious…]

≤What the fuck, Morgie? Holy sh*t… I did it! I beat the f*cking censor bleep! Hah ha! F*ck you, New 4Kids, I win! Ah hah hah hah! Ah hah hah hah haaaa…it was a one off teaser, wasn't it?≥

“Discord, how could you!” Fluttershy sternly glared at her rambunctious friend, knowing that was not acceptable whatsoever.

Tapping on her shoulder and whispering quietly to her, Yami filled her in on the draconequus' actions. “I don't mean to interrupt you, but anyone else would have killed Jaden the first chance they got, and no one would care. Period."

“Ah think she's talking about the whole 'being evil' thing again." The country pony pondered for a moment. "Didn't ya stop going down that street?”

“All roads lead to chaos, my dear Applejack." Discord conjured a Rubik's Cube to further show his point through jumbling it up in front of them. "As long as there's a change in status quo, then I'm there.”

“B-but why did you team up with that meanie after everything we went through?” The Pegasus finally had enough courage again to ask her powerful friend about his co-operation.

Sighing before strolling down memory lane, Discord began his story. “First off, Melvin and I are somewhat ancient BFFs, despite him claiming to be someone's imaginary friend as a genesis story. We go all the way back to the year 666 AD. Our relationship started to become serious after Y2K when we first made sweet hatred to each other at midnight. To our disappointment, someone actually fixed the bug and pretty much saved the world from our nuclear fireworks. A total buzzkill if you ask me.

“For the whole 'taking over Equestria' part, I pissed off ol' Celly by not only spoiling the Season 3 finale with Alicorn Twilight (and enjoyed trolling the sh*t out of her at the same time as to what would happen), and losing her super-pricey copy of naked Jenga!”

"I know that feel." Yami willingly admitted his true feeling to such a distressing subject. "Was it the 24 carat edition as well as the erotic box art? I do believe that the gold they use now is red and the set doesn't look as retro as it was back in my day."

"No, just the box art. She had at least… seven other copies in her bedroom alone! It doesn't justify her PMSing and turning me into stone, again." Discord puffed a heated breath of pure anger; his mis-matching arms folding over each other as he looked away for that extra dramatic effect.

“Ah, figures why you'd want to overthrow her throne and bring about the end of everything fun in the universe.”

"Wait, how?" Téa, in a confused state of mind, babbled the obvious answer.

Helping out Yami to clear things up for the friendship enthusiast, Applejack responded flatly with one word. “Censorship.”

“Oh.” She lowered her head in shame, forgetting something so annoying, yet so commonplace.

“It wasn't my idea to do something so controlled and ordered.” “We kind of had an agreement after near fatal hug and roughly about two thousand years of bonding time. Melvin is the one who wants everything to be bland, beige and square.”

Once again, the friendship enthusiast asked another redundant question. “So why did you…”

“Téa, he just explained that Melvin is the only one who actually wants to kill us.” Yami dead-panned his response to highlight his anger with her.

“The poor thing!” Fluttershy gasped. “All he probably needs is a big hug to realise what he's doing is wrong.”

“Unless you enjoy having large volumes of blood outside of your body, then be my guest.” The draconequus pointed out crudely to his true friend, being as blunt and protective as possible. “I actually looked normal before he cut me up and pieced me back together. The Hair Guy will most likely clean you out of the carpet as usual. Isn't that right, Hair Guy?”

Standing next to the throne for the entire conversation, the Hair Guy in his French maid outfit spoke. “Attention duelists, my hair is sore from removing all the stains out of the new carpet.”

"Wait a minute…" Téa noticed something wrong with what the Hair Guy and Discord said, and had yet another question to ask. “I thought you said…”

“Attention duelists." The Hair Guy cut off Téa from asking any more. "You do not want to know the other stains that have been on the carpet. Trust my hair on this one: My hair has seen what most people need therapy for. Now if you can excuse me, there is a filly-grabbing class that my hair needs to attend.” He began walking out of the room towards the main entrance, leaving the premises and clocking off for the day.

“Ah'm guessin' this relationship ain't workin' out that much b'tween you 'n' the psychopath.” Applejack attempted to sympathize with their captor.

“He's so single minded and predictable!” Discord transformed his throne into a therapeutic lounge, laying back into the cushions. “Everything we do involves inflicting pain and suffering on those nearby along with extreme amounts of blood. Did I mention he poured fake blood on the sofa, the linen floor, in the water pipes, and then had me smear a bucket of real blood all over his naked body. It was how we celebrated Saint Valentine's Day after stoning an old man to death for Melvin's sh*ts and giggles.”

“Wait, how did you know it was real blood?” Téa automatically locked onto 'Ask about everything' mode in her mind. "Did it belong to the old man?"

"Osiris-dammit, Téa!" Yami barked irritably. "Why is it always you with the f*cking questions!"

"Well maybe I'm just curious to find out why everyone chooses to do something completely stupid that could easily be avoided!"

"You clearly haven't heard the old saying about curiosity yet. It goes something like this: 'Curiosity killed the annoying bitch with the power of mind crushing'. I hear it's based on a true story that will happen very very soon if you don't stop asking so many questions!"

"Make me!" Téa whinged, dissimilar to the way an infant behaves when it's time to go home from the carnival. "Answer my question now! Or I recite friendship speech number seven thousand two hundred and eight!"

The eyes of the orange pony contracted instantly as Applejack pleaded to Discord. "No! For the sake of yerself, don't let her do it!"

"Fine, fine. I'll tell you regardless if you like it or not." The Spirit of Disharmony grumbled, before mentally disturbing everyone in the room. “He made me lick all the blood out of his…”

Applejack attempted to drone out the graphic and detailed explaination. “Ah don't wanna hear about it! Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala…”

“I have the strangest wingboner right now.” Fluttershy commented about half way through Discord's recount of what happened, her wings fully extended, unable to contain her excitement.

The Pharaoh also had something of importance that the writer was 93% sure he didn't need to say. “Exactly what she said, only much more visible… and in my pants.”

Stopping mid-sentence and losing his placing, Discord changed the subject to the Pharaoh's typical attire. “By the way, those leather pants of yours are so old and boring! Unless you're becoming a hipster, we should get you out of these trashy things. Why don't you have a pair of brightly-coloured jean shorts instead!” He snapped is fingers, converting Yami's simple black pants into a salmon-pink pair of denim short shorts. It would've been enough to put Rarity in a fashion coma for at least… a week! And from that point afterwards, who knows how long it would probably take for her to fully recover.

“Change me back, you… whatever you are!” The Pharaoh protested, Téa looking straight at Yami's tush being covered by a more revealing fabric.

“Now my playtime's over, you four should best be leaving.” Discord snapped his fingers once again, restoring the leather pants back to their original state and at the same time removing the shackles from their arms and legs.

“So yer against Melvin, despite all the evil things y'all did t'gether?” Applejack shook all four legs and began to freely move about.

“Chaos is my thing: If there were to be no disorder, unnecessary violence or the Internet, then I would be out of business! Leave whilst you can or Mister Stabby McStabbington Esquire will enjoy a nice game of 'How fast can you drain a body of all its blood'.” Discord's throne transformed into the Iron Throne, disproportionate and twisted swords extending from deep within the back of his seat. “The record by the way is six minutes and fifty-two point eight three seven seconds.”

The only thing that Téa needed was one more dying question to be answered. “Before I go, there's something I have to ask you which I haven't already asked you so far…”

AJ glanced nervously towards the insistent and persistent friendship maniac. "Téa, are yer sure that question has t'be answered right now an' not when yer at least nine states away from him?"

“Oh come now, Applejack, have a bit of trust in Téa.” Yami willingly supported the fan fic writer blindly this time round. “As if she could undo everything that's been done. We got kidnapped by the bad guy, who told us that he's not the real bad guy, and he is letting us walk away as if nothing happened. How can things get any worse?”

After receiving a nod of approval from the Pharaoh, Téa went ahead and asked The draconequus her question. “When you and Melvin are actually having sex, is it censored, offscreen, or just implied?”

Moments of awkward silence began to creep in after the annoying fourth wall commentary. Only seconds later, the Spirit of Disharmony let out his biding response.

“…This is… UNACCEPTABLE!!!! A billion years dungeon for the lot of you! And an extra million for you!” Discord screeched and hollered at the quartet, his head turning into the shape of a lemon for further allusion to the reference being made. You know the one.

Taking the time to glare menacingly towards Téa, the fires of anger burning deep in his corneas, Yami coldly said. “I take back every positive thing I've said about you, and I will hate you for as long as I am awesome; It's going to be quite some time until you're even reconsidered for the Bakura zone.” Whilst he was actually saying this, Téa was becoming more aroused from the frigid and merciless way he was treating her.

And then it was sweet Fluttershy's turn to comment on the shipping maniac's actions innocently. “You stupid, *bleep*ing *bleep*! How could you completely *bleep* this up!” She bellowed so loudly, even the Spirit of Disharmony had to cover his ears for this one. “I was trying to ask a friend not to put us away and then you come out of nowhere and just *bleep* everything up for all of us!”

“That's not very nice coming from the Element of Kindness.” Téa said in a de-facto manner to Fluttershy as all four of them began to slowly fade into the dark cloud forming around them; Discord's cackling faintly heard with the shadows rolling in and about the four.

“Neither is *bleep*ing everything up, you *bleep*ing fucking bitch!” The enraged pegasus shrieked in outrage, only to be interrupted by the hysterical laughter from the Pharaoh. “What the *bleep* are you *bleep*ing about?” She gave him only half of the stare's power to break his moment of fun.

“I'm so sorry, it's just that I love this guy!" Yami pointed out the censor button in Discord's paw as the chaotic deity slouched back in his throne. "I mean, he's just like Q from Star Trek! Hey Discord, after I've done my time, we should totally catch up and have a movie marathon at my place…" The Pharaoh shouted out, the thick, bleak shadows almost consuming them all. "Which will most likely be Yugi's place… But why would I invite someone so lame and uncool to a movie marathon with Discord, even if it is his place… Buying my own house will solve that problem immediately… But I also need a huge TV with surround-sound and BluRay… Hmm, I wonder how much money on Yugi's credit card can borrow without expiring… Better yet, how long will it take Kaiba to realise that I pawned some of his stuff!”

"Time for my 'Forgive me, I'm your friend' speech number sixteen!" Téa began to recite her extremely long rendition of a simple appology.

"Ah hate y'all so much…" A disgruntled AJ grumbled. The shadows having enshrouding them fully, they dissipated almost immediately, revealing a poorly constructed trap door and a smoke machine placed underneath the trap.

"I think I just went number three again!" Was the faint voice of Yami that became barely audible as the four fell down the shaft.

Discord leaned back into his throne, proud with the choices he made in not sending them to the Shadow Realm but rather the Canterlot Dungeon deep within. There were absolutely no loose ends to tie up after that little encounter.

“Are they gone now, master?” An ominous voice from the shadows seemingly filled the room; its voice, raspy and strained, would send shivers down the spine of the draconequus himself, had he not known what it was.

“Yes, you can come out now.” He calmly spoke.

The creature slowly crawled down from the roof, its pasty skin reflecting whatever candlelight was available. It wore the most intriguing of clothing, donning a loincloth, a top hat and a monocle. Whatever it was, it hobbled along the marble floor until it reached the feet of the draconequus. “Filthy protagonistses, alwayss sstoping the inevitable…”

“Indeed. So being bad is much better than being violated by Celestia I presume?”

“But they are sstatues now, master! No more alicornses!” It shouted in happiness.

“Good, now back to your typewriter, my pale friend. I must congratulate Limey-Man's accessibility to a dangerous disease such as Wanker's Cramp, and the ability for you to degrade to something like this. Why aren't you sounding British yet?”

“Eigrom iss immune to ssuch thingses.”

“Now nothing can stop the chaos…”

“But the prisonerses; the annoying bitch changes everything! Evil Morgie doesn't likes other writerses!” It snarled in disgust.

“There, there. No more hate, only violence… She won't figure it out. No one ever will!”

“You mean with the sex?”

“Yes, the se–what? No! How to uck up-fay the an-play!”

“Ah! Master iss very clever!”

“Of course I am, yo!” Discord stood up, pointing to the roof in excitement: Part two of minus five point eight was about to begin. “Now all we need are the Millennium items and prepare myself to send everything up sh*t creek! Fo' shizzle!”

“It's cliché, repetitive, and boring, but at least it gives Eigrom a job.”

[(Wait a minute… that sonovabitch swapped places with me! Saker, change me back!)]