Vengeance, Card Games and Magic

[Loyal fans… This one’s for you guys!]

At the New 4Kids HQ, Canada…

In the boardroom, the remains of what was once known as Team Four Star Team 4Kids were seated around a single swivel chair. Sitting behind their new master, Lector breaks the silence of the business meeting.

“Ah say, Ah say thank you mister Melvin for bringing us back to the real world in our own bodies.” He says in his Southern accent.

Revealing himself as he spins around on his chair to face the newly re-employed workers, Melvin grins maliciously as he waves a black clipboard in front of himself. “You’re welcome. It wasn’t hard to get you off the Internet and into some brand new bodies. And I only had to kill twenty moderators in the process. Now…”

Turning back to the clipboard, he asks them: “Let me just check your names off. Gansley, head of… something important that involves stealing lemonade stands from small children?”

A slim man with sleek black hair and rectangular glasses spoke up for his fellow partners. “I’m afraid Gansley no longer exists. The FBI removed MegaUpload from the Internet due to numerous copyright infringements, therefore destroying him forever.”

“Yeah… Who are you anyway?” Melvin questioned the mysterious employee.

“My name is Johnson, current Head of the New 4Kids Legal Department.” The employee responded to his murderous boss.

Turning back to the list, Melvin read out the next name. “Okay then… Crump, Head of 4Kids Programming and all things relating to the flightless bird known as…”

“Penguins!” Crump shouted from his seat, stroking the head of his pet penguin on his lap affectionately.

“Fair enough… Nesbitt, Head of Merchandising and Robots…”

“Affirmative.” Nesbitt responded in a monotone, robotic voice. “I am present, organic life form.”

“A bit of a redundant statement, like bad Adam Sandler movies. Chad from accounting? No wait, he fell out a window. And finally, Lector, Head of Localization, or as I like to call it, ‘Lolcalization’.”

“Present and accounted for, Mister Melvin sir.” Lector obediently responded.

“Good, now…” Melvin slowly brought down his clipboard. “We have some things to discuss about the story ‘Vengeance, Card Games and Magic’.”

Nesbitt immediately raised his point of concern. “It poses a very critical threat to decrease the value of merchandise for both series.”

“Seeing all the profanity in the story,” Johnson quickly succeeded the previous statement. “He is setting himself up for more than a lawsuit.”

“There needs to be more penguins!” Crump added.

“And robots.” Nesbitt said, devoid of any facial expressions.

To Melvin, this was going to get more off topic than movies made by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. “Silence! There shall be no penguins or robots!”

Crump sighed in disappointment. “Awwww, penguins.”

“I cannot convey emotions,” Nesbitt vocalized. “But if I could, I would feel sad.”

“Listen up!” Lector finally spoke again. “Ah have been trapped in a part o’cyberspace where the grammar, pornography, formatting, violence and storyline is by far worse than this one.”

"Aren't you head of localization, Lector?" Johnson asked the Head Localizer.

"Johnson, shut the f*ck up! Ah know all 'bout fan fiction ever since that little sh*t, Noah sent us to the Interwebs."

"Censorship program initiated." Nesbitt responded to the vulgar language.

Melvin face palmed himself in annoyance. "You're not a robot!" He shouted at the delusional man.

"That's right!" Crump agreed with his boss' statement. "He's a penguin!"

"If you're going to talk about penguins anymore, I am going to cut you up into tiny pieces of Crump and feed them to your penguins! Do I make myself clear?"

Crump took some time to analyze what was being said before finally replying. "Penguins!"

All Melvin could do was groan in defeat. "Ungh… Forget it. Lector! Tell us more about these bad 'fan fics'."

"Most certainly, mister Melvin!" Lector continued on with his informative speech. "Ah do declare that you must have an' understanding of obsessed fans, now don't you?"

"Yes… Go on…"

"Well ever since October the tenth, 2010, most of the new fan fiction involves reference to ponies, in particular, My Little Pony.

"The fans became obsessed over the show, just like any other popular trend and needed a way to occupy themselves until the next season came out. Many expressed their work with fan art, very few followed rule 34 of the Internet in their art. Some made memes and some were just pickin' cotton, watchin' paint dry and old episodes online. But one way which Ah know they occupy themselves is with fan-written fiction.

"There would be crossovers, there would be ship-fics, there would be everything in between and beyond the canon storyline. They write frigging novel length stories and some of them think about going into the writing industry. It is harmless."

Johnson gave his insight on the situation. "But when they include elements of the story that are not of their own creation, they all violate copyright laws. Therefore, they must be removed from the Internet immediately, forever."

"Mister Johnson," Lector proceeded to speak again. "They ain't making money, and they ain't getting books published except for some very rare occasions. All they are doing is giving free promotion for the show, and novelists these days plagiarize and recycle all the good ideas. What Ah'm tryin' to say is that the law can't touch them."

"And why is that so?"

"Would you rather have people complaining about important things like high grocery prices and national insecurity, or occupy them with meaningless writing?"

The board room fell silent, waiting for a response from the legal know-it-all. Lector just smiled as he made his point clear. "That's what Ah thought. Case closed."

"But–" Johnson tried to deny what was being said.

"Case closed! Ah would swear right now, but everyone in this room would try to censor it."

Melvin, further intrigued by Lector, elaborate explanation allowed him to speak further. "What about on the localization side of things?"

"Why that's simple! We make Sydney the new New York. Equestria already sounds like America and we don't want a total Americanization like Digimon Season Five, even though it was terrible and it was Disney's fault."

“There was a season five?”

“Apparently. So what do we do about Mister Morgan?”

“My boyfriend Discord is taking care of the situation.”

“Yes, the Hub and Hasbro representative.” Johnson returned to the conversation after being so butt hurt over the burn. “Where will he be taking the alleged ‘Morgie93’?”

“I’m glad you asked.” Melvin grinned with evil content. “He, along with other figures of interest, are being sent to a cold, dark and desolate place. And it is…”

“Antarctica!” Crump interrupted his employer’s statement. “Homeland to the mighty penguin!”

“You and the *eff*ing penguins! Why don’t you just marry one if you love them so much?”

Johnson, being a prick of the law (Get it? Because his name is Johnson, and that’s slang for… Oh. Okay.) had to give the legal reasons why that wasn’t possible. “The act of holy matrimony between a man and an animal is illegal in many countries due to the rights of–“

“Shut the *eff* up, Johnson! No one gives a sh*t about lawyers!”

“Your argument is invalid.” Nesbitt finally spoke again.

There is only so much that one man can handle. For Melvin, this was twenty miles away from what he could cope with. “Grrrr! All of you are pathetic! Except for you, Lector. I’ll kill you last. Now…

“We are in need of a new TV show, one that doesn’t have any substance or a decent storyline. Ever since Chapter Four, the ratings for The Melvin Show have dropped significantly. So, I have already arranged to counter the one retarded troll by hosting Big Brother for a season!”

“This is definitely not becoming meta.” Johnson snidely commented.

“Silence, Johnson! I have had it up to here with your lawyer bullsh*t! And stop that censor bleep, Nesbitt! We only do it for the show! Swearing is too fun.”

Nesbitt continued to speak in his robot voice. “Disenabling censorship program… Command does not compute.”

“If I may bring something to the table that isn’t a penguin,” Crump spoke without talking solely about penguins. “Why don’t we get The Melvin Show to advertise the new season of Big Brother? Have we had a Thanksgiving episode?”

“Not that I’m aware of.” Melvin shrugged his shoulders. “Everyone just dies on set no matter what holiday.”

Johnson, unbeknownst to him, said something he would really regret. “The Melvin Show: A perfect example on how televised first-degree murder can be a family friendly show.”

His eye twitching with anger, Melvin kindly spoke to his employee. “Johnson, could I have a word with you behind this door?”

“Why certainly.”

Getting up from their seats, the two stepped outside whilst the rest of the board, listened inventively to what was happening.

“Okay,” Johnson’s muffled voice said outside of the boardroom. “Now what is it that–“

A sickening knife stab could be heard as Johnson reacted to the situation. “You just stabbed me in the chest! I will take you to court for this workplace harrasm–“

The sound of blood splattering all over the brand new carpet made the other employees shudder in fear. Melvin came through the door again, with a large bloodstain across his arms.

“It was only a little hug.” Melvin said as he looked back to the growing puddle of blood. “Hey Johnson, where’s your f*cking law now? And I told you to get rid of this noise, Nesbitt!”

All Nesbitt could say was in an endless loop: “I am running on Windows 7. I require new software to maintain high standard performance.”

“So filming will start next week?” Crump asked his boss.

“Yes, just as it is regularly scheduled.” Melvin replied.

“But sir, we have never filmed Big Brother before.”

“Right, I knew that.”