To the Cordon Institute of Science and Nature
I’m sending my resume to you, to submit my candidacy to Head Director for your research division.
I have recently parted ways from my position of Head of Biological Research at Endo Tech, and am currently exploring other avenues.
While I’m sure you’ll be contacting them to validate the authenticity of my former job status, I feel obligated to inform you, that any and all allegations against me are nothing more than exaggerated falsehoods, spread by envious, illiterate circus rejects.
My motto is this: Safety, morality, and precision, come second only to progress.
Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. While this is true, the Neanderthals at Endo Tech have described my experiments as
“…setting fire to a farm, to see if a charred egg tastes better”
and also
“… if one egg mutates and begins devouring the other eggs then tries to copy the other eggs in order to obtain freedom, then sure, you made one hell of a monstrous omelet.”
First off: I don’t even use fire, so that analogy is null and void. Secondly, there are some things you’ll never know, if you restrain yourself with such silly notions as ethics, and global consideration.
To the latter exaggeration, if your teenager is hungry, do you slap it on the hand? No. You get it more food, because growing children need nourishment, even if those children have developed sociopathic tendencies on an irreversible genetic level. Who are we to say what is right and wrong? Who are we to discourage personal development of a teenager, even if it means allowing that teenager to hunt down and devour other, less dangerous, teenagers, who were originally there just to help set up the lab.
I’d also like to address any falsehoods of too many of my assistants going missing. They are ADULTS! We do not own them, and they are permitted to come and go as they please. And as such, we are not responsible for any “advanced genetic reassembly". I feel it is more appropriate to reffer to this as "Unknown Personal Growth". To address the complaints mentioning the lack of warning signs: all the dangers of the lab were perfectly outlined in the orientation. And perhaps we should have included a map of the “off limits” areas in said orientation, but they would have simply forgotten them anyways, wasting valuable resources and time. Also, I personally feel that signs with the words “danger” and “authorized personnel only” promote an oppressive work environment. I feel my safety guidelines of
-Red means biohazard suits
-Pink means no entry under any circumstances
-Magenta means decontamination mandatory upon leaving this area
-Purple is a safety area”
were adequate. If some of the assistants failed to repeatedly remind us that they were colorblind, then mandatory evacuations would have gone much more smoothly.
I’d like to quote Darwin’s most infamous quote here, as we also learned a valuable lesson about obesity: fat and ventilation shafts don’t mix. There was a tad mix up with what the pink and purple rooms were, which could have been avoided if he had simply marked “No” in the box on his application where it said “Do you consent to your availability to assist with all assigned experiments?”. Yes, one of my assistants was forced to endure having his legs devoured as he tried to escape experiment #34, but was unable to utilize the ventilation shaft as a means of escape. Do you know what the other assistants did when they got home? I mean, if they HAD got home? I bet most of them would have fully understood the dangers of over-eating, and signed up at a local gym, therefor improving the economic growth of the town.
There has also been a lot of debate over the mere existence of my time machine. Apparently they consider it odd that all personnel who have submitted complaints on it, suddenly disappear from our timeline. If they had a problem with the security of staff complaints, then those staff members should have made sure their birth records were more tightly sealed.
Now that we’ve gotten that unsightly mess out of the way, I’d like to outline my accomplishments and research projects that may have not been fully recognized for the pure, scientific genius they contain.
My colleague Dr. Lab and I, were monitoring mysterious signals coming from what seemed like an alternate dimension. After months of calculations, we created a machine that can both analyze and open a portal to said dimension. Dr. Lab was overly pessimistic and claimed this dimension seemed to be full of creatures that were born out of pure hatred and fear. And while he was only a little mostly right, we went ahead with the process of opening the portal. When I say "we" I mean "I" as Dr. Lab unfortunately was not there for the occasion, as he had mysteriously come down with a concussion, moments before calling our boss about the new pessimistic dangers of our portal generator. And while Dr. Lab will claim the being that crawled out was evil, I remain adamant that this was all a simple difference in culture. Several of our assistants reported feeling the sensation of thousands of burning spiders were crawling around on their insides. I still remain absolutely positive, that these were nothing more than highly realistic hallucinations, and those assistant s that actually died from thousands of burning spiders crawling out of their stomachs, were victims of a strange coincidence, and nothing more.
Secondly, when a creature tells you that it was born to devour your world and to plunge it into eternal darkness, you can’t just assume it’s being literal like Dr. Lab did. For all we know, he could have got that from a popular horror movie! Or perhaps he had made contact with humans before and they convinced him it was a greeting as part of a sick joke. And even though the being teleported itself into my head, and forced me to strangle Dr. Lab to death, then transferred itself into his body, I’m still absolutely positive that Shin’Gog lacks only an accurate education in our societies rules of conduct.
I still retain hope that Shin’Gog and I can still find common ground, as he was quite fond of possessing our staff members, and forcing them to commit unspeakable sexual acts using numerous items from the janitorial closet on themselves. For all we know, using bleach to lubricate one’s insides prior to sex, is Shin’Gog’s way of making sure we all practice good hygiene. Negative assumptions of creatures from another dimension, is exactly the reason Dr. Lab's corpse is now running a temple in South Dakota dedicated to the dark powers, instead of progressing forward with his research. And even though I still periodically black out and wake up with strange markings scratched into my arms, I highly doubt this is Shin’Gog’s doing, as I have recently switched to decaf. This would also account for my random outbursts in normal conversation, about torturing the pure hearted, and demanding that they submit to the rule of the king of agony and torment. A true scientist analyzes all aspects of one’s life and certainly doesn’t just blame a creature that refers to itself as the total sum of all darkness that has and ever will exist.
To combat such ignorant thinking, I have redecorated my main lab, using animals from around the city. And while I don’t specifically remember doing that, or turning the machine back on and greeting numerous other creatures on a friendly first name basis that also came out of the portal, I’m sure this can all be explained by my radical diet change of decaf, and what Shin’Gog refers to as “the souls of the innocent and unworthy.”
The reason this portal generator is such a big accomplishment, is it allows the possibility to obtain resources from other worlds. While some of my more narrow-sighted colleagues have noted that simply harvesting other worlds instead of improving ours, is not a valid solution, I pose this question: why not?
Yours truly, Professor Discord
