...And why am I so Terminally Adorable?!
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Suddenly I'm Marble Pie?!

...And why am I so Terminally Adorable?!

I gave the decision enough thought, all one second of it. I clicked.

‘Yes’

The screen flashed briefly.

Huh, turns out it was a hyperlink to the story’s second chapter.

Clever.

Except the author had left chapter two entirely blank. Either this was a poetic jab at the emptiness of my wish, or, more likely, some fucktard of an author managed to slip a trollfic past the moderators. Damn you, auto-moderation!

Before I knew it I had let out a little breath of frustration. Darnit, I even had a whole dark and edgy backstory prepared!

Oh well, I guess today was not the prophesized day the great prophesized hero was prophesized to arrive in Equestria.

I turned off my computer and flopped into bed. At least I could count on my bed to never let me down.

Ugh. Hot. Stuffy.

I turned over in my bed in search of a cooler patch of fabric. Except my whole bed felt just as warm...and moist and prickly?

I opened my eyes, ready to scowl disapprovingly at my bed for being such a prick.

I quickly found the problem. It was probably because I was sleeping on grass, grass far more lush and eye-poppingly green than any shrub had any right to be, tinged by the bright orange of what I guessed was the setting sun. A sweet-scented breeze blew by, carrying a few stray dandelion tufts. The air was alive with birdsong and cicadas. Below me the grass rolled away into shallow valleys and hills lined with blooming apple trees as far as the eye can see. They even threw in some Spielberg-level lens flare into the picture. You could probably slice the idyllic with a knife and find the Disney copyright stuck underneath.

That’s nice and all, but who stole my bed?

Something soft and warm gently nudged my cheek, snapping me out of my profound ponderings. And into full blown panic.

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!”

I paused mid-panic to consider a very important question; ‘What the hell was that noise and why does it sound like a hamster just snogged a bottle of helium?’

Oh. Wait. It was me.

Trust me, you’d sound terminally adorable too if you looked around to find yourself face-to-face with the flaming red leviathan nostril god.

The gerbily sounds I made caused the giant to draw back. My war-squeak must have been so manly it hit monster-repelling frequencies.

Yeah. That’s right. You’d better back off before I squeak at you harder! You’re messing with the wrong bro! I’m a genetically enhanced super soldier with a dark backstory so edgy I can shave my own carbon fibre pubes with it! You don’t wanna tangle with me and my genetically-enhanced ass-kicking!

“Oh, there you are, we’ve been looking all over for you.” An easy feminine voice approached. The crimson behemoth drew back to aĺlow a much smaller and user-friendly version to come into view. Her(?) big, warm emerald eyes were brimming with relief as she leaned closer. “Did the big scary stallion scare my poor little sweetie?” The candy-violet creature asked, kindly.

Stallion? Where? Is it standing behind that red leviathan elder god?

Now that she mentioned it, the red giant towering above me did bear some passing resemblance to a horse in the same way a rowboat might resemble a battleship. But no horse, heck, no human had emerald eyes that expressive. They were massive, even as they squinted out at the sunset-tinted horizon, vigilantly watching for danger. His chiseled jaw was tightly set, the look of a stoic if worried man. One of his massive legs was dug into the ground next to me, his stance wide, perhaps even protective. My eyes trailed up the tree bark that was his leg until they reached….a mark resembling an apple? Is that a cutie mark?! Is he a pony?! And not just anypony, he’s Mac! The Big Mac!

Flaming. Hula hoops. On fire.

I made it! I made it to Equestria! One small step for man, one large step for—

“Marble? Are you alright?” I heard the violet pony ask. My fangasming was interrupted by something soft and fuzzy gently pulling me into a….is this a pony snuggle?

Ponies are so soft and warm. I so want a selfie right now.

Uh, that came out wrong.

The violet pony lowered herself into the grass next to me, holding me close. The way her body was pressed up against mine made it difficult to see her cutie mark but her flowing peach and cerise mane gave me a good clue; She’s gotta be Cheerilee.

Huh, I wonder why they’re both so familiar with me. I mean, as friendly as ponies are, don’t they know not to snuggle strangers?

My brain did a screeching breakneck double-take. Wait a sec. What did she just call me?

“Marble, sweetie bun?” Cherilee tilted her head to one side to peer up at me. “What’s wrong?”

Marble.

As in Marble Pie?!

I looked down at my hands where they lay in the grass.

Huh. Strange. There was nothing but a pair of gray stumps lying on the ground. But I could feel the grass under my palms. I frowned as I curled my fingers experimentally.

The two furry gray stumps lying in the grass moved. I felt the warm moist grass stir against...my fur.

These furry stumps where my hands should be...they’re hooves. My hooves.

My breath caught. My heart froze somewhere in my throat. I raised my alien limbs up to my face. “Meep!” I let out a squeak of pain. I had accidentally poked my eyes. Not difficult with how they seemed to take up most of my face. I felt my breathing quicken through my...round little muzzle. My mouth felt big, deep, as I panted into my hooves. My tongue felt flat, massive, almost choking. Something fluffy flopped against my hooves; Ears, drooping in obvious fear. My ears.

Alright. Not gonna freak out. Ponies watching me. Not gonna freak out. Luckily, I was known as the Ice King, a dark lord so brooding and calm they once thought I had been frozen for one thousand years that one time a rock challenged me to a staring contest. With but one deep breath I would become a paragon of unshakeable composure.

Deeeeep breaaaa—

Something soft and silky stirred against my butt. Hey, get in line….uh….tail? Wait, my tail?!

Okay. Being violated by a tail. My tail. Need to freak out. Now.

“Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!”

“Marble, sweetie bun, it’s okay. Mac and I are here.” Cheerilee tried to reassure me. Her efforts proved as useful as slamming a revolving door, about as repetitive too. It was difficult to hear her assurances over my frantic flailing.

Luckily something came to her rescue. Something as big as the sky, firmer than an anchor but gentler than a blanket enveloped me from above. Its grip embraced me so completely I wasn’t able to quiver let alone struggle. For some reason I didn’t feel the need to anymore. There was something about the tight hold engulfing me, an intensely possessive and protective feel, that left no room for fear. I was quite sure that was not a normal reaction to being smothered by a giant mass of ripped muscle. Must be Marble’s body enjoying all the attention. Totally not me, nope. Not enjoying this sensation of warmth and safety one bit. Nope.

I slowly peered up. I found Big Mac stooping over me and Cheerilee, holding us both beneath his hulking form. I had no idea how he managed to embrace us both underneath him at the same time. Either this stallion is a giant or Cherilee and I are just that tiny. Probably a bit of both.

I heard a soft giggle. “Heehee, typical snuggle bear, solving everything with a hug,” Cheerilee chuckled next to me, “Come on, let’s get our little Marble back home before it gets dark,” she said. Big Mac suddenly rose, slow and ponderous like the turning of the earth. I felt uncomfortably exposed and cold all of a sudden. Something gently but firmly nudged me in my side. Whatever it was suddenly rose up into the air, lifting me up with it. I realized a moment later it was Mac’s muzzle, levering me off the ground with all the ease of an excavator. And not just me, he somehow lifted Cheerilee along with me. She maintained her snuggly hold on me as together we slid down Mac’s neck before coming to rest on his broad back.

Yep, that confirmed it, this stallion’s an aircraft carrier in pony fur.

He spared the two of us a brief glance, probably to make sure we were both safely planted on his back. His muscles suddenly rippled beneath us as he took a step, then another. He walked with what seemed like a slow, careful gait, as if mindful of how precious his cargo was.

I am pretty certain this is not how most heroes ride their trusty steeds into legend and glory.

More apple trees rustled overhead as we passed by, just in case I needed more clues as to where we were. This must be Sweet Apple Acres. I had somehow achieved what many would trade their left nutsacks for, maybe even their right ones too—Go to Equestria. Except I somehow ended up inside a mare, and not in a good way. I don’t even have fingers. Toy duckies in a flaming washing machine! Do you know how much I’ve wanted to play rocks, paper, scissors with a pony?! And I could have ended up inside Twilight Sparkle, Celestia, heck, I’d even take Sunset Shimmer. But fate was aiming with its dick, obviously, so I end up in the universal dumping grounds of shyness, Marble Pie!

What? That’s me being calm.

Okay, okay, good point, gotta think straight. Need to prioritize. I decided to shelve the question of whether or not I am actually Marble Pie until I could actually answer it, say, when I find a mirror and a bottle of gin. For the time being I had to make sure I survived long enough to reach a mirror and a pub. That placed figuring out my situation and next course of action higher up my do-or-die list.

I know it’s one of the seven mortal sins to play meta but I needed every advantage I could get. Luckily I am a universe-bending mad scientist made of so much brain I was once accused of thinking with my crotch and pulling ideas out of my ass. Thinking my way out of my situation would be a cinch.

Assuming this world closely resembles that of the show, Mac knowing Marble placed us sometime after season five in the series. With how familiar they were, I’m guessing the two had decided to get closer after the events of Hearthswarming at the Pie farm. That would no doubt complicate things for me. I mean, the guy’s totally a bro, but I’m more into tacos than hotdogs. Or intercontinental ballistic missiles in Big Mac’s case.

Now, where does Cheerilee fit into this? She seemed very close to both Marble and Mac which makes one wonder what their relationship is. I gave Cheerilee a quick sideways glance. She didn’t seem the slightest bit perturbed, as if riding on Big Mac’s back while snuggling another mare was as routine as grocery shopping.

Her ears perked up as she noticed my gaze. “Were you having a nightmare, sweetie bun?” She asked. Her question gave me pause.

Perhaps this is just a dream? Yeah, why didn’t I think of that before? Thank you for reminding me, figment of my imagination. I might as well just enjoy the sights until my alarm clock rings and….okay, who am I to fight cliches? That thought alone must have invoked Murphy’s law into making this my all-new reality.

Right on cue, a hot wet sting struck my right ear. “Omnomnom~” I couldn’t help but wonder if this adorable munching sound would be the last thing my ear ever heard. I turned my head to come face to face with reality in the form of a cartoon pony nibbling on my right ear. “Shee? You’we awake now,” she mumbled through a mouthful of pony ear.

Cheerilee, I swear I liked you better as a figment of my imagination than as an uncomfortably real ear-eating cannibal pony.

“Marble sweetie?” she asked, releasing my ear. “What’s eating you?”

Oh, just Murphy’s Law, trying to chew my ear off.

Her look of concern told me she was probably expecting a serious answer. For a second I contemplated telling her the truth — Hi, I’m an alien from another world who’s somehow possesing this mare’s body. I wisely realized that was probably the fastest way to get rainbow-zapped for being a changeling or unfriendly or something. The second fastest way was probably getting busted. My survival depended on being the best Marble Pie ever. Luckily I was a suave secret agent with so much debonair charm that the one time I winked at a mountain it became forever known as the Niagara falls. I could win these ponies over with but a single word.

“Mmmhmmm,” I said, smoothly.

Uh.

Why do I have a bad feeling I had just used up the full extent of my vocabulary there?

“Mmmm. Mmmhmm!”

Yep, ran out of vowels too.

Great, I had all the linguistic capabilities of a koala bear. Two barbie dolls could probably hold a better conversation than me.

“It’s alright. Mac and I are here now,” Cheerilee smiled comfortingly, snuggling me even tighter.

Huh. I’m a better Marble than I thought I was. Go me.

I settled back in silence as I contemplated my brand new reality. I was half-expecting to see a big sign that says ‘TV-Y’ hovering above us. I chuckled at the thought of me starring in an actual episode. It’d certainly be crazy enough to qualify as an M.A. Larson episode. Though 20 minutes is nowhere near enough to contain all the epic heroics I’m gonna throw at the villain of the week.

I felt a rush of air stir against my ears, a draft stronger than the warm breeze. I looked up to find a flurry of light blue feathers and a silver mane and tail that blazed bright in the waning sunlight. “Oh, thank all of Celestia’s ballsacks you found her. Geez, Marble, next time you wanna give your herd a heart attack, can you just tell us you got buns in the oven or something?” The arctic blue pegasus gave a long sigh of relief. She somehow hovered with enough precision to give me a gentle nuzzle on the cheek not already occupied by Cheerilee. What bit of my brain wasn’t getting flooded by my blush just about managed to identify her; Fleet Foot, Wonderbolt extraordinaire, otherwise known as ‘player 2 Spitfire’. She did a graceful barrel roll before landing next to me, double-parking herself on Big Mac’s back.

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. There shouldn’t be enough space for three adult mares on this stallion’s back. And the crazy thing is, Mac didn’t even quiver under her added weight. In fact he simply walked on, not slowing even a touch with his new burden. Big Mac’s gotta have a dragon or a dumptruck somewhere in his ancestry.

Fleet Foot’s sudden snuggle-hold around my neck didn’t even surprise me anymore. I had only been in Equestria for mere minutes and I had already gotten used to this regular invasion of personal space. What really bothered me was her presence, not so much complicating the picture as tossing it in a washing machine with a can of red paint. I dug through my stores of pony knowledge until I came across one possible link; Wasn’t there that one comic where Fleetfoot developed a sudden crush on Mac at the Summer Hoe Down?

Hold on. A pattern was beginning to emerge— Cheerilee, Marble, Fleet Foot, all of Mac’s potential shipping partners, all together with Mac, all on very snuggly terms with one another. They’ve all gotta be...a polo team! Y’know, because they’re horses and stuff and….yeah, I got nothing.

Wait a sec, what did Fleet Foot say about heart attacks? Something about...herds?! My herd?!

Ponies form herds!

Oh...oooooh...ooooooooooh big flaming space potholes of dooooooom!

I have a polo team for a herd!

Oh, please, let them be strictly platonic! Please save me, big TV-Y sign in the sky! Please. Please. Please.

“Hay, Cheers, nice fetish you got here. Can I have it?” Fleetfoot quipped, tightening her snuggle on me.

“Fight me, sister.” Cheerilee gave Fleetfoot a playful raspberry before putting her all into the hug-of-war.

Thanks for confirming just how un-TV-Y we are, ladies. I’m so fucked. In more ways than one.

My panic was put on hold by a strange sensation. It was like having your hair stand on end, except over every inch of your body. It was like goosebumps multiplied by a factor of twenty. I frowned, looking around for the cause. The flow of dandelion fluff in the air seemed to shift erratically, as if dancing to something that wasn’t the breeze. The grass and trees stirred the wrong way, turning against the wind. The very air hummed with an unnatural tension. Then I saw the cause, a faint electric blue glow arcing through the sky, leaving a sparkling cerulean contrail. Something told me it was a colour I was seeing with my mind rather than my eyes.

Oh flaming upside-down pants! It’s coming our way!

Fleetfoot and Cherilee didn’t seem the slightest bit worried at the sight. In fact, their look was almost expectant as they raised their forehooves and waved at the brilliant blue shooting star with all the casualness of hailing a taxi.

“I can’t find her! I looked everywhere—The Everfree, the Rambling Oak Ridge, the Ghastly Gorge, even Pinkie’s basement. We need to alert the guard, ask Twilight to form a search party, and….and–” The glowing blue comet slowed to a halt above us. “Huh, is that–?” It zipped down until it was just an inch away from my face. “Marble! Oh, Marble, you’re okay! You’re okay!” A pair of light cerise hooves flew out and drew me into a tight hug against–...

Oh. Ram. My. Balls. With. A. Flaming. Bulldozer.

That tri-colour purple and aquamarine mane and tail, those azure eyes brimming with fear, that electric blue magical glow, not to mention the ability to magically levitate herself–...

“Join the queue, Starry. I found Marble first.” Cheerilee chuckled, tightening her embrace.

“Well, I fapped to Marble first. Beat that, Glims.” Fleetfoot giggled.

It’s Starlight Glimmer?! The Starlight Glimmer?

Big Mac had stopped to watch the three-way hug-of-war on his back with a look of silent pride. His gaze told me everything I needed to know; His herd was complete. Cheerilee, Marble and Fleetfoot I kinda understand, seeing as there’s actual canon behind all of them. But Starlight Glimmer?! How much of Tartarus had to freeze over for that to happen?! Whar happened to Sun Burst?! Was this some really crazy alicorn-wings-level twist the writers pulled out of their ass for season six?

Huh, looks like not only did she ace her friendship lessons, she graduated to something more.

Just my luck. I finally get to Equestria and I end up stuck with the slickest world-destroyer in baddy history. Big Mac could have paired up with Tea Love, maybe even Fluttershy, but noooo. It had to be Starlight flaming Glimmer–....

I suddenly felt something wet soak the fur on my cheeks. It took me a moment to realize it was Starlight’s warm tears. They were so real that I could almost forgive the Mane 6 for falling for her trickery. “Marble...oh Marble–” she whimpered weakly into my neck. “Thank you. Thank you for being okay.” My misgivings faded away before the desperation in her hug, the fear in her voice. It was so sincere that I actually questioned myself for a moment. Starlight Glimmer really loved Marble Pie? The same villain who managed to destroy Equestria six times over could actually love?

The sudden uncertainty left me a touch off balance, confused even.

“Hay, Glims, Hon–” Fleetfoot’s voice softened as she reached out for Starlight.

“Starry, it’s alright,” Cherilee soothed, joining Fleetfoot in pulling Starlight into the four-way group hug.

“S-sorry, I’m so sorry.” Starlight whispered, giving the three of us one last squeeze before drawing back. “I...I’ll just...see you all back at home.” The glow around her body brightened as she suddenly took off into the sky, a stark blue streak against the darkening sky.

“Wait up, Glims! Horseapples, I just paid off my speeding tickets.” Fleetfoot spread her wings before taking off. A loud bang filled the air as she went supersonic, leaving behind a bright silver contrail.

I raised a forehoof to my cheek. It was still damp. “Mmmhm,” I murmured, thoughtfully.

“Don’t worry, Marble. She’s just relieved you’re okay,” Cheerilee said. Big Mac gave a slow nod, the most he had shown in way of communication so far.

Worried as they were, I didn’t see Mac, Cheerilee or Fleetfoot bursting into tears. There was something else going on with Starlight. The question is, is it something I’d want to get myself involved in? Y’know, in case I screw things up for the real Marble.

Speaking of the real Marble, where is she?

I spent the rest of the journey back reflecting on that thought; What happened to the real Marble? Is she alright? How much should I get involved in Marble’s herd? What if I screw things up for her?

More importantly, why am I here in her place? Was there some new evil brewing requiring the hand of a destined hero from a foreign land? Where do I start? What am I meant to do?

I still didn’t have any of the answers by the time we reached what could only be the Apple family farmhouse. I decided to put them aside as I took in the iconic landmark in the flesh. The architect had gone to great lengths to make sure it could not be mistaken for anything else, building it out of a classical red and white barn, stuffing it to bursting with apple motifs, even sticking a giant apple atop the weather vane. It practically screamed ‘Here be Apples’.

A familiar little yellow party balloon on legs come running out to meet us. “Oh, hay, Fleety told me y’all found her! Looks like ya did!” The youngest Apple’s country drawl was so thick you could bounce entire cities off it. The creamy yellow filly cantered to keep up with Mac’s slow majestic strides.My eyes flicked to her flank. Huh, looks like she has her cutie mark. That helped me confirm where we were in the timeline. “Hiya, Marble, are ya okay?” Her question pulled my attention back to the little filly.

It was a good opportunity to get some practice at being Marble. “Mmmhmm,” I gave her a little smile in reply. Totally in-character.

“Cool! Ah’ll signal for Applejack to stop searchin’ then.” In a sudden burst of Filliesque speed, no doubt honed by years of running away from trouble and authority, she cantered off ahead of us towards the farmhouse. A moment later a bright green flare shot up before blooming in a bright ball of emerald flames against the darkening sky. A signal flare of some sort?

Mac carrying us home saved what would have been an obvious blunder. I would have walked straight up to what I knew was the Apple homestead’s front door. Instead, Mac brought us around the back to what looked like a smaller house abutting the main barn. It had its own patio and door, complete with a mailbox. The dim glow of a lantern hanging from the patio allowed me to make out the markings on the mailbox - five cutie marks, one of each member of Herd Apple. This must be some kind of annex for Big Mac’s herd. It kinda made sense, considering it’d save plenty of morning awkwardness with his little sisters.

The annex wasn’t new, considering how much the patio floor creaked under our weight, or how the door squeaked as it allowed us in. But its current inhabitants obviously took great care of it. The sweet smell of fresh potpourri wafted out as we entered. The entryway was a humble affair as befitted a farmstead, but lovingly decked with various photographs and memorabilia. There was a photograph of Marble dressed up as Tom, the rock, fearfully biting onto Mac’s tail as Mac led her through what looked like a Nightmare Night haunted house. There was another photograph of a jam-drenched Marble and Mac proudly holding the trophy for the Summer Hoe Down’s couple pie-eating contest. The later photographs began to include other members of their herd, but the abundance of Marble photos seemed to suggest Marble was the herd’s first member.

Somebody had thoughtfully left a lit lantern at the entryway, probably Starlight or Fleet Foot. Cheerilee slid off Big Mac’s back, landing with a soft clatter on the floorboards. She picked the lantern up in her muzzle before leading us further into the house. I didn’t get to see much of what I guessed was the living room as most of it was shrouded in darkness. I caught glimpses of a few other rooms as we went by; One was almost certainly Starlight’s library/laboratory, complete with a small brass telescope and a hoof-made wooden orrery on a work bench. I didn’t have to guess who made the orrery for her, considering how it had been very protectively secured under a blue magical barrier.

The dim blue glow of the magical shield allowed me to spot a silhouette standing at the window, head turned up towards the stars. It looked like Starlight, seemingly lost in thought. I felt strangely torn for a moment; I had a sudden urge to go find out what was troubling her, maybe even comfort her. Odd, considering I don’t even like her as a character. On the other hand, it didn’t feel in-character for the shy and reclusive Marble and will more likely draw unwanted suspicion.

I didn’t get to dwell on Starlight for long. Before I knew it we had reached what must be the master bedroom, a simple but cozy room with a high ceiling and airy windows. I was so lost in appreciating the decor that the sudden feel of soft fabric beneath me took me completely by surprise. Big Mac had gently lowered me onto the bed while Cheerilee set the lantern on the table by my side. “There. How are you feeling now, Marble Sweetie?” Cheerilee asked with a smile.

The sooner I reassured them, the less attention I’d get, the better my chances at keeping my cover. “Mmmhmmm.” I gave her a smile and a nod.

I was suddenly swept up in yet another hug, one far too strong to even contemplate escape. I looked up to find Big Mac had pulled me into his chest, resting his chin gently on my head. I don’t know what it was but there was something about this body that really enjoyed being held by Big Mac. Because I didn’t enjoy it. Absolutely not. Nope.

“I’m just so glad you’re alright-...” Cheerilee was saying when a bell rang somewhere in the house. “Oh, that must be Applejack at the door.” She looked towards the bedroom door.

“I got it!” Fleet Foot’s voice called out.

“We should go and thank her for helping with the search,” Cheerilee said. Mac nodded in agreement as he let me go. I felt a lot of reluctance in the way his hooves parted with me. “Hay, Marble, Sweetie, stay here and don’t go anywhere, okay? We’ll be right back.” Cheerilee gave my forehoof a quick squeeze before leaving with Big Mac in tow.

I frowned as the door closed behind them. Why were they all treating me like glass? I hadn’t been gone long enough to raise the guards and the Mane 6. But my herd’s relief at finding me, Starlight notwithstanding, seemed rather out-of-proportion. Was something wrong with the real Marble? Something that...that could have caused her to disappear from their lives all of a sudden?

Was she...was she ill?

Odd. I didn’t feel unwell at all.

I spotted a full-length mirror next to a stone fireplace. Bingo. It was time to put one question to rest. I peered down over the edge of the bed at the carpeted floor below before giving my forehoof an appraising look. Surely trotting is no more difficult than crawling on all fours?

Famous last words. It didn’t take very long for me to trip over my own hooves and faceplant the floor. Thankfully the carpeting muffled my fall. It did little for the pain though. Or my pride. I gave a frustrated grunt as I struggled to get up. All I managed to achieve was launch myself into the floor face-first. Again.

I gave my rear legs a death glare. My forehooves worked just fine, much like my human arms would. But my rear legs were all wrong. The knees, those ‘hock’ things on ponies, were completely bent the wrong way and….wait a sec. I licked my lips as an idea struck me. I moved each part of my rear leg one by one. Bending what I thought would be my human knees strangely moved what looked like my pony thighs. And moving my what would be my human ankles bent my pony hocks. And my toes corresponded to my actual hooves. I felt a moment of sudden enlightenment; The joint at the hock isn’t bent the wrong way at all, it’s analogous to my human ankle. And the pony’s ‘canon’ thing beneath it isn’t my shin, it’s in fact my foot, just longer. So walking on my rear hooves is like walking on tiptoes!

Hah, I so got this now!

I got up and took my triumphant first step. One small step for pony, one large step for—

Thump.

I found myself face-to-face with my nemesis, the ground, once more. No, sod off Mr. Floor, I’m not in the mood. I have a headache, the one you gave me.

I reluctantly settled for pony-scooting myself along the floor. Thankfully it didn’t take me long to get to the mirror. I planted myself on my haunches, bracing myself before taking a peek at ‘myself’.

I certainly didn’t see the heroic knight in shining armour I was expecting. Instead, a dawn-gray demure little thing peered back at me from behind her signature defense mechanism, her long bangs. How I was able to see through the dove-coloured hair hanging over one eye was a bit of a mystery. Her ears seemed fluffier and floppier than your average pony. Everything about her was petite, from her button of a muzzle to her slender shoulders. But as you explore further south, it soon becomes apparent it was naught but cunning deception, hiding how her fluffy chest gave way to her cute roly pony tummy before flaring out into a pair of plump curvaceous tushies that looked absolutely soft and plush. I gave them an experimental bounce. Oh, hey, they really are as squishy and bouncy as they look. I suddenly felt a lot of sympathy for Trixie. How can the rest of ponykind not fall in love with themselves? I’m so criminally adorable I could probably read out the entirety of Rainbow Factory out loud in public and get away with it. Not that I’d ever do that or anything.

Heh, I don’t know why this is fun, but it kinda is. I explored further downwards until I struck nothingness.

...

Why do I get the feeling something’s missing down there?

Hmmm, clothes maybe? I don’t feel massively bothered by the lack of clothes for some reason. The fur certainly helped. So why do I still get the nagging feeling I lost something?

Eh, probably isn’t anything important. Flaming chocolate matryoshka dolls, I’m so adorable!

What? I’m a sucker for all things adorable. And ponies are adorable.

I was totally not admiring myself some more when my ears perked up, alerting me to voices from beyond the door.

“Yeah, we found her. Thanks for helping with the search though.” I heard Cheerilee say.

Pony hearing is amazing. I could even hear the uncomfortable shift in Cheerilee’s hooves.

“Hay, why don’t you come in for a cup of tea. Or cider if that tickles your fancy. Got some on ice.” That upbeat rasp has gotta be Fleet Foot.

“Nope, gotta be up earlier than a wild onion bloomin’ ‘fore winter wrap-up to keep this here farm afloat fer everypony, see.” There was so much countryisms concentrated in one spot it had probably collapsed in on itself to form a blackhole from which not a shred of urban life could escape. That could only be Applejack’s voice….aaaand Applejack’s brisk hoofsteps leading away from the door without so much as a ‘goodnight’. Even that was kinda abrupt for Applejack, perhaps even a little...hostile?

“Oh, um, okay. Good night, Applejack. Thanks again!” Cheerilee called out after her. “Uh...poor dear must be tired,” she said diplomatically.

The thoughtful silence that followed must have been Big Mac’s.

“She’s tired of something alright.” Fleet Foot sounded irritable. “No offense, Hon, but I think your sis needs to get laid. Bad.”

More silence, presumably Big Mac considering the merits of Fleet Foot’s suggestion.

“Now speaking of getting laid, big guy…” Fleet Foot’s voice dropped a whole sultry octave into the down and dirty range. “Aw, c’mon, don’t look at me like that, Cheers. You know you want some of this tail too~”

“Wh-whether o-or not I want it is not the problem, Fleet sweetie.” Cheerilee sounded justifiably flustered...and just a little muffled, as if she were speaking through a mouthful of tail. “It’s been a rough day. Be considerate.”

“I am being considerate, that’s why I’m considering celebrating with a rough night,” Fleet Foot quipped, “C’mon, Cheers, you don’t hear Mac complaining,” she winged, presumably at whatever look Cheerilee was giving her. I could practically hear Cheerilee eye-rolling loudly. “Fiiiine, I will actually ask Marble before I pounce that delicious gray booty of hers. Is that considerate enough for you? Good, let’s find Glims and drag her scorching hot badonkadonks into bed.”

Oh flaming Swiss army sporks! She’s gonna pounce my delicious gray booty! I’m doomed! And if Cheerilee, Starlight and Mac get involved….oh no, Mac! MAC! The red leviathan from Titansville! He probably packs a battlecruiser and a pair of Deathstars down there! Me and my delicious gray booty are doubly doomed!

Some heroes have to fight giants and bean stalks, some must conquer the lips of sleeping damsels. But me? I get to avoid getting laid by the god king of horsedom.

I back-stroked away from the door as fast as I could, propelled by all my nopes. My escape didn’t get very far as I backed up into something. I looked around. My heart decided to abandon ship on me as I stared at my doom - I couldn’t tell whether it was a bed or the bastard child of a circus tent and a football pitch. It was probably designed to hold Sherman tanks or elder gods or….*gulp* entire herds and whatever is they do on beds.

God, I don’t want to find out firsthand!

I looked around for any other possible routes of escape from my grim fate. In the wardrobe? Ponies don’t wear clothes! Under the bed? That’s where all the naughty stuff live. In the closet? That’s admitting defeat! The bed? Am I crazy?!

Actually...that was so crazy it might actually work, as long as I can fool them into thinking I was asleep.

“...Look, I promise I’ll ask Marble first. And I won’t even use my tail, at least not while I’m asking. Not my wings either.” I heard Fleet Foot’s voice just outside the door. “Well, I gotta use my mouth to speak, right? Fine, I won’t use it for anything else. Jeez, quit cramping my groove, fun police.” The door handle slowly turned.

I struggled to climb onto the bed. My hooves felt as clumsy as mittens as I fought to get a grip on anything. My frantic flailing only succeeded in pulling the massive tent-like duvet over me.

My ears flicked in alarm at the sound of the door creaking open. Time was escaping, I wasn’t. Plan B it is! I flopped down on the floor and remained as still as possible.

Weird, for something I get plenty of practice at, pretending to sleep turned out quite a challenge. But it shall not be said that I went down without a fight! I snored like my life depended on it. “Mmm...hmmm…..mmmm….hmmmm.”

Even my sleepy sounds are disgustingly adorable! What’s wrong with me?!

“Oh, looks like the poor thing’s fallen asleep already.” I heard Cheerilee say as what felt like a hoof gently caressed my mane.

“Oh well, better to have chased tail and lost and all that,” Fleet Foot chuckled, though I sensed a touch of disappointment in her voice.

I felt the tension in the air around me change, turning softer and lighter. I opened my eye just a crack and saw the shadows in the room turn wrong, flickering towards the light rather than away. There was a gentle hum as my whole body began to glow an aquamarine blue. The light felt warm and ticklish against my fur as it lifted me into the air. With barely a wobble it gently laid me down on the bed. Another flicker of magic and the blanket tucked me in. A soft sniffle punctuated everything, one I barely recognized as Starlight’s.

“Hay, it’s alright, Starry. She’s here. She’s okay,” Cheerilee whispered.

“And we won’t let her out of our sight, not again,” Fleet Foot agreed.

Something was up with the real Marble. On top of that Starlight seemed to be beating herself up over something. I only wish these four would graduate from subtle hints to full on exposition. Y’know, for convenience sake.

The creak of old springs accompanied a sudden weight on the bed. Something crawled under the blanket before brushing against my back. A pair of soft, velvety hooves curled around my shoulders as something pressed itself against my back. I felt a touch of panic for a moment before something else assaulted me from the front, then another from my side. Before I knew it I was besieged from all sides! By hugs!

I was kinda joking about the Sherman tank but for a moment it felt like one actually landed on the bed. Or, y’know, it could’ve been Big Mac. Whatever it was, it bent the very fabric of time and mattress around it, forming an all-embracing black hole into which the rest of us gently slid into. I peeked out of one eye and saw the big red mountain curled protectively around the four of us.

I felt tails stir, seeking each other out. One by one they curled lovingly around mine.

Marble’s herd, they really loved her. They really missed her.

They...they deserved her back. They really did.

I only wish I knew how to get her back.

...

Some hero I am.

Sleep felt as distant as my real bed as I laid awake for what felt like hours. The others had long since settled into the slow, soft breathing of deep sleep. My mind was unbearably loud against the silence as it did figure eights around the exact same questions. But as the night wore on one thought grew louder and louder until it drowned out all the rest; Starlight, that tearful gaze, that tremulous hug, her gratitude for my wellbeing. The Starlight I knew got away with destroying entire worlds. How did she go from that to a caring, loving, adorabl-...I didn’t just think that. Get out of my head, Starlight!

My fevered thoughts were punctuated by a shift in the weight on the bed. I heard a set of hooves gently land on the carpeted floor. A cool draft blew against my fur as the door opened. There was a long, almost unnatural pause, almost as if whoever it was had decided to hesitate at the door. After what felt like forever the door finally creaked shut.

My ears twitched at a sound. Did I just imagine it or did I hear a sniffle there?

I lay there for a while longer, idly waiting for the pony to return from what I guessed was a bathroom trip. A minute passed. Then another.

Okay, not even alien bladders should take this long. Did this pony run out of toilet paper or something?

I slowly got up and looked around, doing a silent head count; Mac, Cherilee, Fleet Foot….I knew it, Starlight was missing.

I had a bad feeling it wasn’t toilet paper keeping her.

I gently disentangled myself from the thick knot of hugs and rolled myself gently onto the floor. I had no time to learn how to walk. I half-scooted, half-belly-crawled my way to the door. I had to crawl up the door on my forehooves and grasp the handle with my mouth. I did my best to ignore the taste of metal in my mouth as I tugged the door open. The wood flooring outside felt cool against my belly as I scooted along. I was just wondering where to look for my errant unicorn when I came across her darkened study. Something was off. It took a moment of peering about the darkness in vain before I realized what it was; It was dark. The glow from the orrery and its shield was missing.

I rushed over to the empty table, my forehooves slipping and sliding as I pulled myself up to peer over the edge. A hastily rolled up scroll lay where the orrery once was. I didn’t need to read it. The barely dry tear stains on the parchment told me enough. I caught a faint blue glow out of the corner of my eye. My eyes darted up to the open window above the table. I spotted the azure streak just as it took off into the dark.

As if I didn’t have enough questions yet, the world decided to throw me more; Where is she going? Why? Does she know what’s going on? Should I go after her? What if I end up giving myself away?

I suddenly recalled the feeling of warm tears against my cheek, the stark fear in her bright blue eyes and the words, ‘Thank you for being alright’. All the questions faded away in the face of one chilling thought, ‘What if I, I mean, the real Marble loses Starlight forever?!’

Before I knew it my rear hooves had propelled me over the tabletop and through the open window. I fell in a tangled roll on the grass outside before launching myself into a frenzied dash after the runaway blue comet. My hooves thundered against the earth as I ran like my life depended on it. Haybales, fences, bushes, fallen logs, and market stalls, nothing stood in my way.

Just as I thought I was gaining, the blue comet suddenly descended behind a row of thatched rooftops. I cursed under my breath as I narrowly avoided ploughing through an empty newsstand. In my frenzy it took me a while to realize I had made it into the middle of Ponyville. I didn’t slow down as my eyes darted about the deserted streets in search of her. I was so caught up in my hunt that I barely noticed the ground shake under my hooves. My ears were luckily more perceptive, picking up the loud screech of metal and rush of hot air rumbling straight towards me. My hooves kicked up sparks off the cobblestone streets as I screeched into a tight turn, narrowly dodging the locomotive as it picked up speed out of what looked like Ponyville station.

Now if I were a magical unicorn on the run, why would I bother detouring through town when I can fly or teleport? Because leaving on a train is a lot more dramatic. Duh.

I ran alongside the train as it gained speed. I squinted at the carriage windows as they whizzed by faster and faster. Just as I was running out of breath, I spotted her, a forlorn figure gazing dolefully at the little town she was leaving…at least until her eyes landed on me. Her big blue eyes widened in surprise. She shoved the carriage window open before popping her head into the rushing wind. “Marble?!” she gasped, “What are you doing?!”

What does it look like, Sherlock? I’m running after you—

Running…

I looked down at my hooves. They were kicking up dust in a furious gallop. I’m running! I’m galloping so fast I’m keeping up with a train! One small step for man, one large—

Oops, I shouldn’t have thought about my steps—

My hooves noticed me watching them. They decided to lock up in embarrassment, tripping me into the air. I sailed through the air as the ground rushed up to meet me. I closed my eyes tight, bracing myself to dig my own grave with my face.

Huh, the cobblestones of Ponyville feels strangely warm and ticklish.

I cracked open one eye, expecting to face my old nemesis, the ground. Instead I found myself floating through the air alongside the train, propelled by a blue magical glow. I had to squint through the rushing wind whipping my long bangs. With effort I found Starlight where she was leaning out of her window. Her face was screwed up in deep concentration, her horn sparking and spitting angrily. “Marble!” She cried, throwing her forehooves out towards me, “There’s a tunnel coming up! Grab my hooves, quick!”

What tunnel? Oh...that tunnel approaching me at a very unhealthy-looking speed.

Something told me I wouldn’t be seeing any light at the end of that tunnel. I whirled around and caught her forehooves with my own. With a surprisingly strong tug she hauled me through the window and into the carriage. The tunnel mouth whipped at my tail as it rushed past. The rest of me tumbled headlong into Starlight, throwing us onto the floor in a tangle of hooves.

I groaned softly as bits I didn’t even know I had protested in pain. I peeled myself off the carriage floor just enough to peer at my tail. A tuft had been shaven off the once straight edge. To think that could have been something else like, say, my face.

Okay, enough staring at my tail. I turned my gaze to the rest of the carriage instead. Luckily it was empty of any possible witnesses. I had gotten into enough trouble for one night. Or so I thought until I looked around and gazed into hellfire, locally known as Starlight’s death glare. It didn’t take much to remember that this pony was season five’s equivalent of Chrysalis and Tirek.

“By Starswirl, Marble, what are you thinking?!” Starlight shrieked at me.

Uh, things going splat, mostly.

“You foalish little filly!” The unicorn screeched in my face, her eyes brimming with tears, “You idiot! You….you….” She trailed off, her ears drooping flat, “Don’t you know, if something happened to you, it’d be my fault?! If I lose you, it’d be my fault!” She broke down in tears. “Wh-when you went missing today, I realized it must have been my fault. It’s my punishment. I’m a bad pony. I’ve destroyed worlds, hurt innocent ponies. And sooner or later, bad ponies get punished,” she rambled nonsensically in between sobs.

I froze on the spot. I could face trains, tunnels, walking, beds, anything but crying ponies.

“I want to be punished alone. I-I don’t want...I don’t want to lose you as my punishment.” Her rambling trailed off into broken sniffles as she buried her face in the floor. “I can’t stay here. I need to get as far from you as I can. I-I-I….” she faded into trembling whimpers.

‘Little Star…’I thought, ‘Sweet Little Star. She’s just a little filly. She had nopony, no herd, no friends around her to help her grow up. And yet she always strove to make everything ‘right’ for everypony, all by herself. Very impulsively, I might add.’ I felt a fond giggle well up, ‘I wish I knew how guilty she still feels, how scared and alone she still is. I...I wish I could do something for her.’ My ears drooped as a strange sense of regret struck me. Yeah, I need to do something for her...but what?

I was suddenly reminded of another scared little mare, of how her stallion gently comforted her. ‘Typical snuggle bear, solving everything with a hug’. I may not know much about ponies and how they do things, but I do know firsthand how things are done in herd Apple.

I reached out and clumsily curled my hooves around her, pulling her into a hug. She always seemed so much bigger than Marble. But there and then against my chest, the little unicorn seemed so small, so fragile. Her sobbing trailed off into soft sniffles as she settled into my hold. She slowly but hesitantly returned my hug. “Why, Marble? I-I don’t deserve you,” she hiccuped, “Why?”

Good question.

Hell if I know. I only just met you a second ago and I already risked headbutting an express train just to catch you. That’s more than I ever paid for a first date! And you only just met me a second ago and you...you’ve shown me a love so passionately deep, so adorably sincere, so stupidly selfless, that you leave me even more clueless and confused. And if you go I’ll never figure it out.

Oh, and I can’t let Marble and her herd lose you. There’s that.

“Mmmhmm,” I said, giving her an extra tight squeeze.

“That’s not an answer, foal.” She huffed into my shoulder. “I...I just don’t want you taken away from me. If you disappear, I’ll never forgive myself.”

So you plan to not lose Marble by leaving her. Right.

I’ve managed to calm her down, now I had to get through to her somehow. Not being able to speak was seriously starting to become a problem. But perhaps I didn’t have to. I just had to use a language she understood.

I let her go and crawled my way onto one of the seats. I imagined it was Fluttershy’s throne as I lounged back on my forehooves, crossed my rear legs before flashing her own trademark smirk at her.

“Marble, stop it with the really stupi—I mean, sexy pose,” she gave a wet chuckle in between sniffles, “what are you trying to say? That I’m…” Her eyes widened as realization dawned. “...I’m doing a bad when I think I’m doing a good. Again.” She facehoofed so hard I couldn’t help but wince.

“Mmm. Hmm.” I said. We can be stuck doing this for all eternity, Starlight.

“You’re right. I didn’t think this through. Again.” Her sniffles gave way to a wet giggle. “I hate it when I’m wrong but...I love it when you’re right.” She chuckled weakly, wiping her tears with a forehoof. “You’re always right. That’s why I need you, Marble.” She planted her forehooves on either side of me, cutting off any retreat. For some reason, that didn’t bother me too much. “I need you to keep me right. Because I don’t want to go wrong ever again,” she said, pressing her forehead against mine, “so please, please, please promise me this one thing,” she gazed up at me pleadingly, “You must promise you’ll stay with me. You brought me, Flowerflank and Featherbutt together with Big Mac. But we’re not your replacements. We’re your herd. And you need to stay with us. Because we need you. I need you.” She pulled me into a tight hug. “Because I’m falling in love with you again, Marble.” Our lips touched. She pressed further into me. Her warmth, her heart beat, all of it became one with my own. Something feebly told me I should push her away. But I didn’t listen. I was too busy free-falling into her silky spicy flavour, melting in her thick demanding tongue and drowning in her loud needy moans.

Stars exploded in my eyes, suddenly blinding me.

Holyyyyy flaming deeear Celestiawhat the hay is happeniiiiing?!

It was like standing in the middle of a Black Friday stampede, or perhaps my sister on a sugar high, visions raced through my head faster than all my exes, precious little shards of what could only be my memories; I saw Starlight turning herself in to the royal guard, I remember helping her buck apples for community service, I watched Starlight cry into Marble’s chest one snowy Hearthswarming Eve, I heard myself tell her, ‘You’re a good pony. That’s why Ilove you’.

Just as suddenly as it started, it ended. I had no idea what that was, or where my mind ended and these alien thoughts began. I didn’t care. Sure, I was confused as heck, but it was the sort of giddy exhilarating confusion I wanted to lose myself in forever.

Starlight gave a long, husky moan as she finally released me for air. Her retreat left a thin unbroken strand of saliva between us. Every other bit of her remained pressed up against me, allowing me to feel her heart racing as quickly as my own.

“Ahem.” The two of us noticed a shadow loom over us. We looked around to find we had been busted by a conductor who seemed more jealous than disapproving. “Tickets?” The round pony grumbled, handlebar moustache bristling with obvious envy.

Starlight recovered admirably quickly. “Yes, two tickets back to Ponyville, please,” she said, innocently, “In a private booth, first class.” She licked her lips almost ravenously. “On the slow train, the slowest you have.”

Flaming Celestia helpme!

The rest of the journey home was a blur, a very steamy violet blur. I didn’t know hooves could be so soft and fuzzy, neither did I know that cuddling could be so...tummy-twistingly exhilarating. Starlight certainly managed to make each and every snuggle a sky dive. She didn’t do anything else, she didn’t need to. She must have refined hugs into weapons-grade instruments of mass destruction during her friendship lessons. Her nuzzles alone had me weak-kneed at her mercy by the time we arrived back at Ponyville. She obviously took some pleasure in how thoroughly she had turned my legs to jello, even giggling sadistically as she lifted me onto her back and carried me the rest of the way home.

The moon was high in the sky when Sweet Apple Acres finally came into view. “I wouldn’t relax just yet, Marble.” Starlight suddenly broke the silence, giving me a sideways glance over one shoulder. “I don’t plan on sparing you. I’m simply saving you for later.” She chuckled at all the blood threatening to burn my cheeks.

Something faint and feeble within me waved in protest, something something wrong, something something horse. But there was just something about Starlight Glimmer, something confusing, something I disliked and loved at the same time. Was it attraction? I don’t know, but I certainly wanted to learn more about this irresistibly curious mare.

“STARLIGHT! GLIMMER!” The voice slammed the syllables down like tombstones. Starlight froze as her face flash-dumped all its colour, as if doing her best rock impression might help her escape attention. But it was too late. Three figures were already bearing down upon us so fast that each and every one of their thundering hooffalls could have been sonic-rainbooms.

“Hay, Marble,” Starlight said aside to me, “If I get mauled to death here, please know that I love you and that I had planned on screwing your brains out.” She thoughtfully levitated me off her back, placing me by the roadside out of harm’s way. Harm arrived soon after in the form of a flying tackle from an arctic-blue pegasus. The two rolled off down the road before finally coming to rest with the pegasus pinning her unicorn captive to the ground. “Oww, uh, hello, Fleets, did I ever tell you how much I love your beautiful unglaring eyes, and your, uh, nice forgiving personality?”

“You’re the one who’s twenty different flavours of screwed, Glims!” Fleet Foot barked, “Care to explain what this means?!” She threw Starlight’s letter to the ground. It didn’t slam so much as rustle pathetically in the breeze. “Hear that? That’s the sound of your lameness!”

“You...didn’t read it, did you?” Starlight gave the pegasus a hopeful if sheepish smile. “Because if you haven’t we could just banish it to the sun and pretend we never saw…”

“Your little novella on how big an evil overlord you are?!” Fleet Foot demanded, her big fuchsia eyes brimming with tears, “and all the horseapples about not involving us in your big dramatic karmic punishment?!”

“Okay, you read it,” Starlight sighed, “I’m sorry! It’s just, you don’t know what it’s like—”

“...to fear losing one of us because of one mistake, because of one moment of innatention, because of a few hours of sleep?!” Fleet Foot demanded, “Nope, totally wouldn’t know how that would feel!”

“I’ve destroyed Equestria six times, Fleets!” Starlight cried, “Ponies like me don’t get happily ever afters! You-you don’t deserve that.”

“So it’ll break your heart if some universal scales of justice falls on one of us just to punish you.” Fleet Foot growled, “Yeah, that might suck for you. But you know what will definitely suck for all of us?!” She heaved, “Losing you, that’s what.”

“Well, I...I’m-I’m sorry,” Starlight trailed off into weak sobs, “I just...I...”

“We’re a herd, Starry honey,” Cheerilee said, hooking her lantern to her saddlebag as she trotted up to join Fleet and Starlight, “You can trust us to never break your heart that way, the same way we need to be able to trust you not to disappear on us like that.” She seemed to finally give into some maternal instinct with a soft huff. “Come on, you’re getting a hug, you silly filly.” She joined Fleet Foot in smothering the unicorn.

“Cheery, Fleets…” Starlight whimpered, “B-B-Big Mac!” she gasped, noticing the burly stallion towering silently above them, “I’m sorry! I don’t know if you could ever forgive me. I’ll take any punishment, I….*meeeeep*!” She did a great squeaky toy impression as Big Mac enveloped all three of them in the sort of hug you’d expect from a steel press.

I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of my beloved herd. I think I did right by them. For a moment, all those questions felt miles away. All that mattered was that all of us were together again.

“Are you alright, sweetie bun?” Cheerilee somehow Houdini’d her way out of the steel press to trot up to me. “You sure worried us when you disappeared again.”

….yeah, it’s all good, even with the herd mom babying me. Again.

“Thank you.” She suddenly pulled me into a hug. “Thank you for bringing Starry home. I don’t know what our herd would do without you.”

“Eyup.” I almost jumped out of my fur. It felt like the very earth had spoken with a deep, powerful rumble. A hoof the size of a tree trunk curled around my shoulder as a muzzle that must have been chiseled out of tempered steel nuzzled my mane. Oh dear Celestia! Big Mac just spoooooke! Some part of me shakily registered that that was Big Mac’s first word to me. The rest of me was too busy not melting. I swear, of all the weirdness thrown at me so far, nothing compared to my whole body trembling uncontrollably to a stallion’s voice. Calm down, Marble! Down, girl! No need to blow up our heart! We only have one of those!

“Staaaaarlight?!” Fleet Foot’s grip on the unicorn suddenly tightened. “So you’re also the reason Marble went missing?! Again?!” It would appear bringing me into the conversation only tossed more adorable fuel into the fire.

“What? N-no, I found her chasing after my train and I pulled her in before...a...tunnel...hit…” Starlight faltered beneath Fleet’s withering glare.“Alright! Alright! I’m sorry Marble had to run after me to drag me home, okay?! I’m made of so much sorry that I probably show up like a lighthouse on the Friendship map!”

“Oh you’re gonna be sorry, alright!” Fleet Foot looked like she was ready to savage Starlight. “If you weren’t so bucking sexy I’d savage you right now!”

“Agh! Fleets! You’re already savaging me!” The unicorn squeaked helplessly.

“It’s alright, Fleety. I think Starlight has learned her lesson for the day,” our resident schoolmarm said. Starlight’s face lit up with hope at Cheerilee’s sudden show of mercy. “But I always find that a little punishment can help reinforce the message.” She gave Big Mac a playful nudge, urging him forwards. “Sorry, did I say ‘little’?” She giggled into a forehoof.

Wait, was that dirty talk? Coming from Cheerilee, the herd’s voice of reason? Why do I suddenly feel like I need a shower?

“W-wait! W-we can talk about this!” Starlight squeaked.

“We could. But your mouth’s gonna be full.” Fleet Foot shrugged. “And talking with your mouth full’s just rude,” she sniggered mischievously at the bright blush blossoming on Starlight’s coat, “But we’ll be nice. We’ll at least let you tell us how you want to be punished before we fill you up, won’t we, Big Mac?”

Big Mac answered by suddenly picking Starlight up and running off with her, Smarty Pants style.

I’m gonna make that a really long shower. With bleach. Lots of bleach.

I only watched as Big Mac, Fleet Foot and Starlight disappeared in the direction of the house. I did consider doing the hero thing and saving her, honest. But something told me that Fleet Foot’s sex drive was a villain for next week, maybe even the season finale. In the mean time, I’ll just sit back, do the background pony thing, and...

“C’mon, Marble sweetie,” Cheerilee gave me a sudden flank-nudge, “You know how ol’ Snuggle Bear can get. Starlight’s gonna need us behind her.” She gave me a saucy wink.

B-but, I’m already behind her! Like, one hundred feet behind her! No! Please! Nooooooooooo!