I Wasn't Prepared For This
"Wow."
"I know. I know. I'm so sorry.
"No. No. You... uuuggghhh. You warned me about this."
"Yeah. Yeah, I did."
"I, uh, *ahem* I just didn't realize you were being, well, uh, literal when you said '30 seconds'."
"I was."
"I can see that. Well, uh, not see that, per se. Uh, I felt it. To be more accurate."
"I'm sorry. I'll just--"
"No, no, don't get up. This, uh, this still is pretty nice. You guys, are like, ridiculously cuddly."
"Thanks? I'm glad I'm doing something right. I think?"
"Yeah, you must be. Boardy, humans aren't--well, most humans aren't sexually attracted to horses."
"Ponies."
"Ponies. When I met you six--uh, five? I think it was five--months ago, I did not think I'd end up fucking you."
"I, uh, the feeling is mutual I guess."
"But, I mean, what, we started working on translation projects together, and then you were so fun to just talk with and hang out with, scholar from another dimension, yadda yadda yadda, and then BAM!"
"Bam?"
"Bam! I'm fucking a horse! I'm a horse-fucker!"
"Well, to be fair, a pony-fucker. I keep telling you, I'm a pony."
"A little pony."
"Ugh, don't remind me."
"No, no, no, I'm glad! I, uh, you're actually a nice size."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I, uh, how do I put this?"
"You have a small vagina?"
"No!"
"Right, sorry, I'll just keep my mouth muzzled."
"But no, in English--well, Spanish too--we have this phrase, 'hung like a horse'."
"So I've heard."
"You have?"
"I've seen your species' erotic literature."
"Oh geez, I am so sorry; we write some really fucked-up shit."
"Yeah, well, just wait till you get better at Equestrian."
"You better find me the filthiest, dirtiest horse smut known to ma--er, equines."
"Aren't we enacting it right now?"
"Well we were."
"Yes, yes, I know. You were telling about human genitalia size?"
"Uh, yeah, so like, I'm not a size queen or anything, but horses have big dicks. Compared to humans at least."
"Is that why people wear clothes everywhere? Shame?"
"Ha! Well, yes. But not like about the size of our junk. Though a lot of dudes get hung up on penis size."
"I think that's universal."
"Yeah, probably. But no, humans, well, at least most civilized humans--and I want to make clear I don't mean that in a condescending way--"
"What, 'civilized'?"
"Yeah, like, more primitive tribes, a lot of people in more primitive tribes, like hunter-gatherer status, they tend to be pretty clothes optional. You ever flip through an old National-Geographic at the library, you'll see what I mean."
"National Geographic?"
"Explorer's magazine. Sort of. Never mind. I'll show you some time. The point is, most of us, we don't like to take our clothes off unless, we, uh, we're alone, or really comfortable around someone, like really comfortable. That or we're drunk. Do a lot of stupid shit when we're drunk."
"Are you drunk?"
"Haha, I wish! It woul--..."
"G-go on."
"No. No, I'm not drunk."
"Ssssso, you're... really, uh, comfortable around me?"
"I... yeah. I guess I am."
"Will, uh, you still be, even though, I, uh, don't perform very well by human standards?"
"I think so? I mean. I dunno. This is still all super surreal. Like, I'm spooning with a horse--"
"P--"
"Pony, sorry. I'm spooning with a pony with his... yeah, this is all a bit much. I'm sorry, Sounding Board. I just, uh, it all--it all's a lot to take in, and like, what will our coworkers think, and can we, can we still work together efficiently, and I mean, what will my parents think?! And not just me! You have parents too! You have parents, right? Of course you do! What are you going to tell them?! 'Oh, hi, Mom and Dad. I went to earth to join a translation company. Oh, and I'm also sleeping with a human mare now! But it's okay because I ejaculate after thirty seconds like a good stallion.' Jeez, what will they think?! I just, I want this all to work, but I just... I just... I-I-I..."
"Hey."
"Mrnn."
"Hey, Sonya, take a deep breath."
"Okay."
"You're spooked. Just, just calm down."
"Alright. Alright. Thank you. Just, keep hugging me."
"Gladly. You, I, uh, You're not the only one. I'm nervous too."
"That's good, I guess."
"Yeah. I've been terrified of having this conversation for like three months now. But, now, it's... not going quite so horribly as I feared."
"You--wait, you've been trying to get in my pants for three months?!"
"Ah, fewmets. I, uh, shoot. I didn't mean it like that."
"Oh?"
"I mean, like, I knew sooner or later I'd probably end up mounting a woman, and well, as time passed, it seem more and more likely that human was gonna be you."
"That's sweet, actually. I think."
"I'm glad you think so. And, I mean, I'm glad I'm with you. Right now."
"But beyond right now?"
"I..."
"Go on, spit it out!"
"I... think I'm falling in love with you."
"..."
"Sonya?"
"Sounding Board."
"Sonya."
"I, uh, I think I might be falling in love with you."
"Well, that's good."
"Yes. Yes it is."
.
.
.
"So."
"Hm?"
"You ready to go again, yet? I mean, the whole premature ejaculation thing kind of killed my mode, but my god, you just don't know how to lay off the charm, and now you're throwing the 'L word' around, and that really gets a woman's juices flowing, and I guess I am still pretty horny. So, ready for round two?
"This...this thing, can, uh, keep going?"
"If you can keep going. Let's fuck some more."
"While I'd love to, uh continue the fun, Miss Hernandez, I'm afraid I am not yet fully recharged, so to speak."
"Hmmm, a shame. How are you with your tongue?"
"Ah! Now there is a question I am glad to answer."
"Mmm. Go on."
"Well, the mares do often ask if there's some giraffe in me, if you know what I mean."
"I'm afraid I don't."
"It simply means that--Actually, we're both writers, are we not? I believe the adage of 'show, not tell' applies here. Now, I'm just going to turn around and--is this position comfortable?"
"Yeah. Just, um, can you move your tail please? It's in my face."
"A thousand pardons. I can do a hundred things with my tail, chief among them get it in your face, but right now I aim to demonstrate my camelopardalic ancestry."
"You dork. I'm still not sure what you--oh.
"oh.
"Wow."
Author's Note
Actually, my friend Cotton Mouth--he's a giraffe. I am fairly certain that at several points during his bachelor party, there was some giraffe in me. Among other things.
A True True Friend Helps A Friend In Need
"Wow."
"I told you."
"Yeah...huh...I...huh...huh...wasn't...huh...prepared...huh...for that...huh."
"Deep breaths. Deep breaths, Sonya. I'm glad I, uh satisfied you."
"Yes. Yes you did. How... how did you get so--so good, no, amazing with your tongue?"
"I told you, I'm an eighth giraffe."
"Bullshit."
"Uh, that's an unfortunate turn of phrase to Equestrian ears."
"Oh, right. Whoops. But seriously--here, scoot over a little. Seriously, you have no right to be that good at cunnilingus."
"And yet you just taught me several new American expletives over the past fifteen minutes. I'm surprised you weren't smited, you naughty girl."
"Ooo, Guilty as charged. Now spill the beans. You were like... you were like a lesbian down there. What's your secret?"
"The real answer is, um, decidedly unsexy."
"I don't think I need anymore sexy for a few weeks anyway. Enlighten me."
"Very well. As you may be aware, ponies--and horses--descended from prey animals."
"You going Zootopia on me?"
"You do not want to get me started on the gross inaccuracies of that motion picture. As I was saying, while us ponies may be princesses and princes of Equiis now--"
"I mean, you named your world after yourselves."
"So did the Chinese. We may rule the roost now, but our ancestors were hunted by many predators: griffons, tigers, hydras, sirens, uh, wolves, timber wolves..."
"Yeah, like Earth predators, plus mythological things from Greece."
"Exactly. I still find that really weird."
"Buddy, my whole life has been weird ever since your damned nerd princess ripped a hole in reality."
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
"It's not. Go on."
"So, yeah, it used to be that if ponies had sexy time for too long, we'd get eaten. Decidedly unsexy."
"Some people are into that, you know."
"Lady, you don't know half the crazy spells I've had to translate."
"Yeah, it's like you guys developed magic in place of the internet."
"Right. So basically, stallions that could ejaculate quickly passed their genes on to future generations of ponies slightly more often than those that took their sweet time."
"So this all boils down to evolutionary biology?"
"Doesn't everything?"
"I guess?"
"I told you the explanation was unsexy."
"Okay, but that still doesn't explain your tongue dexterity."
"Gotta impress the mares somehow. It worked on you, didn't it?"
"Wow."
Author's Note
