...den you get da weemon.
It was a funky-ass dope dizzle up in Ponyville fo' realz. As tha mornin light shone all up in tha windows, Spike tha Dragon poked his head outta his blankets ta find Twilight Sparkle already gone from her bed.
Spike rolled over up in his basket. "Screw dat hoe, yeeeah." One clawed hand grabbed a cold-ass lil comic book -- Juice Ponies Issue 56 -- n' Spike sniffed tha cover like a legit connoisseur. Most ponies had wine, or art. Spike had comic books. Satisfied dat tha comic book was legit, Spike reached over ta a funky-ass forty of lotion next ta his basket. "Yeeee," da perved-out muthafucka holla'd contently. "Letz git dis started, son."
The Narrator at that point got tired of talking like a pimped-out thug, and also realized he could never be as incredibly pimpin' as Spike. That Narrator left after his identity crisis, and we had to get a new one.
Speaking of Spike, just as soon as he was about to get started with his "comic book reading," somepony screamed from downstairs. "SPIKE! I NEED TO BE VIOLENTLY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR THIS STORY, SO I'M GOING TO START YELLING UNREASONABLY!"
Spike raised his supplicating little clawed hands to Heaven, then the Narrator remembered that ponies don't have a heaven, because they're all heathen beasts. (an: liek in my has fanfic guys!11) Then Spike was downstairs, with his comic book.
Twilight turned to him, her face all weird and crazy (a/n: like in Lesson Zero guys). "SPIKE! WE MUST REORGANIZE MORE BOOKS." And then Spike sighed, because he's long-suffering and put-upon and never has enough shekels to romance Rarity gloriously.
Then Twilight grabbed Spike, looked into his eyes, and soulfully whispered of books to him. Which mainly just bored Spike, but Twilight did what Twilight does, and no one wants to piss off an alicorn.
Then they went and reorganized books for three hours.
At the end of the glorious spree of spontaneous reorganization, Spike and Twilight lay in each others' - haha, no. It wasn't that kind of reorganization day, and Spike has shekels only for Rarity.
Twilight had gone off somewhere to reorganize the entire Canterlot Archives, and Spike was lying on the floor of the crystal castle's library in a daze of exhaustion.
As he rolled over, he saw there was a single book out on the floor. Knowing that Twilight would throw a fit if she saw it because she's really out of character, Spike picked it up, intending to put it back on the shelf. Then, he realized what the title said.
"How To Get All Da Money, by Sic Dord. Seems legit." Spike opened it.
Hello, hapless ru- valued customer! This book will show you how to get All Da Money in mere seconds!
1: First comes the simple sacrifice to our lord Discord of six glasses of chocolate milk. However, His chaososity deems that the glass must be actually made from sand from the surface of Mars...
Spike nodded. His dragon Jew-sense was telling him there were many shekels to be made here, especially since there were just three steps, and one was "Profit."
So, then Spike went on an epic adventure to Mars where he was romanced gloriously by many alien mares, but Spike was like "Ya'll uglier than my babe Rarity" and they were all really sad and the Author would tell that story if he could, but the Author is incredibly lazy, and what do you mean the Narrator is going to be fired for insulting the Author? I'm no-
After the brief interruption where we got our third narrator, Spike came back to Equestria and made the sacrifice. The ritual dodecagon flashed with really trippy rainbow strobe lights, and the chocolate milk disappeared with a flash of light that smelled like Celestia's cutie mark, leaving one tiny little shekel-bag in their place.
Now, Spike was pretty annoyed, because he passed up all those alien mares for just this little bag of shekels that Rarity wouldn't look twice at. However, when he opened the little bag of moneh - being a very money-deprived dragon - it was actually a hyperspace junction box that linked everything that contained money across Equestria. Therefore, the shekel-bag literally held All Da Moneh.
Then Spike got a plan.
A horrible, evil plan.
It was actually a great plan.
First, Spike went upstairs and got his treasured pimp hat and cane, which he had been hiding from Twilight because she was really out-of-character. Then, Spike waddled out of the door with his pimpin' moneh. Instantly, every mare in Ponyville teleported in a flash -- even if they aren't unicorns, because reasons -- to hang off of Spike's dragon legs like a pimp's loyal ladies.
Only Rarity didn't immediately gravitate to Spike's pimp field, which only served to convince Spike that Rarity was truly the best match for him. As Spike swaggered up to Rarity, he said "'Sup, babe? I got mah shekels now, babeh." With that, Spike took some moneh from his dragon-bag and made it rain, bro.
Rarity turned to Spike, and as she turned, she beheld bits literally raining from the sky. Being out-of-character and reduced to only her base greed, seeing all the shekels, she immediately fell at Spike's scaly feet to worship his pimpin-ness. Seductively, Rarity whispered into his ears of gems, and especially three particular diamonds.
Spike's eyes transmuted into hearts, a common Equestrian love-induced medical condition. Spike raised his hands to the sky, and the money's flow increased, creating a massive pile of gold behind Spike. Spike backflipped into the gold, then surfaced with Rarity on his baby dragon arm and all the mares of Ponyville at his feet, standing atop a literal mountain of shekels. (a/n: can i use spike that many times in a paragraph? i dunno xD)
"Yeee! Now, we pimpin'!" This was Spike's response to his incredible fortune; in one day, he got All Da Moneh, romanced Rarity gloriously with his shekels, and became a bona fide pimp, like his storied dragon ancestors.
As he reclined on the mountain of gold being fed colored beryl gemstones by Rarity, his eyes slowly began to close. Soon, Spike slipped off to sleep, content in his pimpin-ness.
At that point, he woke up back in the Crystal Castle... minus the shekels.
The scream of ineffable rage could be heard across Equestria and beyond.
Which eventually resulted in the invasion of the planet by the Silastic Armorfiends of Striterax, but we don't talk about that.
Author's Note
I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm really not.
