Previously, on "The Daily Life of a Villain"...

"Hi, I'm Ja-"
"Fuck off."
"-okay."

"...welcome to the Enterprise Villainy International League Headquarters..."

"Just by looking at you, you're destined to be just cannon fodder."

"Gracious!"

"Cut it Jack, it's either Level 0, or back onto the streets with you."
"Hold it!"

"Surprise, surprise, Black Dawn, you are now a Level 1 villain of the EVIL. At the front desk, you will be given your badge and a pamphlet that will detail the abilities you possess as a Level 1."
"YES!"
"But don't think it's all sunshine and rainbows. We will be watching you very intently, much more than other Level 1 villains. And if we see any sign of you fucking up, let's just say that you're gonna have a bad time."

"Hi, I'm Rainbow Dash."

"Absoluter! Absoluter! Emergency!"

"Level 9... Chainaxemane... CAPTURED!!!"

"Damn, Hero, Princess, Twilight, Motherfucking, Sparkle!"

We now return to "The Daily Life of a Villain"...

"Damn, Hero, Princess, Twilight, Motherfucking, Sparkle!"

"...what?" Aurora cocked her head to the side, confused at Jack's rage.

"She, killed somepony very close to me."

"Really? I've heard a lot about Twilight, but killing isn't one of them."

"Oh, you're talking about the old Twilight. That was ages ago." A villain behind the two spoke out. "After one of her friends was axed off by some rogue villain, she went fucking ballistic. Now she just kills any villain she can find."

The two looked back to see who's talking to them. A fairly large, greenish-teal, pegasus stallion sat behind them. His short, orange and yellow mane and tail were stiff and boards as the stallion examined the two's faces. An eerie sense lingered in Jack as he and the stallion exchanged looks.

Name: Bullit Blaze
Level: 1
Title: One-Eyed Blade

A gang leader in Cloudsdale, I know no other pony that has as big as a drive for sex and violence as he does. Despite his barbaric cover, he is actually pretty clever and sophisticated. However, whenever he drinks, which he does a lot, like, 24/7, he becomes a total asshole, a tolerable one, but still an asshole. I, nor he, would've ever known what would come out from this first encounter.

"Oh," Aurora replied. "I guess I wasn't informed of this turn."

"Figures," The stallion leaded back in his chair. He drew out a small set of scissors from behind and began to pick his teeth with them. "They don't seem to tell us much these days. But don't worry, I can teach you everything I know, and I do mean everything."

Real subtle... Jack remarked in his mind.

"What do you mean by 'they'?"

"Villains!" The Absoluter declared. "Take in arms immediately! Our brethren has been seized by the forces who oppose us! He is located in Canterlot, Equestria."

The theatre burst out into mass organized chaos. Villains prepared themselves and their minions and fled the theatre and the EVIL.

"Can we not?" The teal stallion crudely remarked. "Ol' One-Eyed Blade has some things planned for tomorrow."

"Proclamation Epsilon 1," Jack retorted. "We all got to do something to save this villain. Why would you not want to help?"

"Oh goodie, a bookworm. Are you retarded? What do we low-level villains serve as with all of these big-shots around?"

"...Snipers?"

"Cannon fodder."

Jack's breath was cut short. Cannon fodder, his mind raced, that's what the receptionist called me. Is that what Level 1 villains are called? Is it just another Level 0?

"Oh, come on," Aurora playfully rolled her eyes. "That's silly. The EVIL treats us all equal."

"Uh-huh..." Billet uttered below his breath. "Well, fuck this shit. See-ya losers." With a flick of his wings, Billet fled from the theatre and disappeared into the streets of the EVIL.

"All villains and minions from Level 0-3 still here, listen up!" Pim yelled out over the still-roaring theatre.

Jack and Aurora looked back to the stage.

"Join me in the frontal assault of Canterlot!"

Darkness, darkness surrounded Chainaxemane. Not even his electronic supervision could pierce the void and see where he was, but he still knew, and was just as nervous. He could sense a presence behind the stone pillar tied to his back.

"Berserkersteel Chainaxemane." The presence spoke.

A soft wing rubbed against his steel body. A feminine coo echoed into his ears.

"Princess Sparkle." He replied. Upon speaking, his circuits screamed in virtual pain. A slight moan escaped his speakers.

"Trying to take over Equestria again?"

"Can't blame me for trying... Hehe..."

"You think this is all some sort of game?" The mare's voice tensed up. "Oppression? Fear and Terror? Murdering innocent ponies? You think you're free to do whatever the fuck you want?!"

"Hehe, hahahaha, HAHAHA!!!" Chainaxemane cackled. "Still hurt over the loss of some weakling?"

"She was special to me! And she was murdered in cold blood by one of you!"

"You think your fleshly little mind matters in the cutthroat world we live in? The only thing 'special' about your loved one was that she provided about five minutes of masturbation fuel for my assistant. HAHAHA!"

Out from the shadows emerged Twilight Sparkle, the famed alicorn princess. Fire could be seen in her eyes even to a machine. She violently slapped her prisoner across the face with the back of her hoof.

SLAM

She screamed out, "Did you murder her?!"

"Hehehehe... You think my answer is going to stop this?"

"Did you?! Answer me?!"

"...Either way, you're still going to kill me..."

"..."

SLAM

The white moon loomed over the night sky as every free villain of the EVIL surrounded Canterlot Castle. Civilians crowded the surrounding streets, watching in terror, screaming and cursing at them to go away. Jack, Aurora, and several others looked over their audience on the back of Lord Orangutan.

As the cursing echoed up to the onlookers, Aurora's face turned green. She began to curl into a fetal position. Jack looked over and noticed her shivering.

"Something eating you?" Jack asked.

"...Jack." She replied. "I don't like this."

"Hmm? You mean those civilians down there? They're just scared. Don't let it get too deep."

"Snipers!" Pym's voice roared from below Lord Orangutan. "Do you have visual?"

Hidden in the bushy head of the massive primate, three ponies, each armed with sniper rifles, are examining the castle through the scopes.

"No!" The rightmost sniper, a pudgy yellow stallion, yelled back.

"Sheesh, does he know how long it takes to check an entire castle with only scopes?" The leftmost sniper, a lanky orange stallion, moans.

"I know right. Wait, I think I saw something in the south tower. Nope, just another guard. Why does every window of this place have guards behind them?"

"Have we checked Alpha 6, Beta 9, or Foxtrot 2?" The orange stallion asked, looking down to scan through a map of the castle.

"Are you actually reading the map? Those things are impossible to remember all the codes to."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Guys, focus." The center sniper, a red stallion with an average build, barked. "You know how awesome it'll be when I-we are the ones that finally axe her off?"

"We're doing recon. We aren't axing her off." The right sniper corrected.

"Oh, don't be such a bureaucrat." The center one rolled his eyes. "Just imagine the headlines: 'Legendary Villain Kills Off Hero Twilight Sparkle Via 360 Quickscope'. NO! 'Ultimate Villain Kills Off Hero Princess Twilight Sparkle Via 720 Noscope'!"

"You realize how boned you'd be if you tried that?" The left sniper asked.

The right one chimed in. "Twilight has pretty good aim herself. You're gonna get sniped through the scope if you try that stunt."

"Visual?!" Pym barked.

"No! Please wait!" The right sniper yelled back.

"Watch me." The center sniper sneered. Poking above the bush of hair, he hastily scans the rest of the castle.

"I give him eight seconds." The left sniper declared.

"Four!" The right one challenged.

"You're on."

"Hey! I think I see her at the top of the main tow-!"

BZANG

Blood sprayed over the two snipers and Lord Orangutan's head. The center sniper dropped back down limp, with his rifle's scope in pieces and a hole through his head, right through the eye.

"Dang... that sucks." The left sniper remarked.

"Called it." The right one declared.

"Snipers!" Pym screamed.

"The top of the main tower! Sweet Celestia Fucking Solaris!" The right sniper squealed.

"The tower?" A large, scaly pegasus on Lord Orangutan raised an eye.

"Huh?" Jack turned his gaze from the crowd to the stallion.

Name: Mork Scorch
Level: 6
Title: Count Scorch

If I knew he was a Level 6 villain, I would've pissed myself on the spot. Well, either that or cum. Count Scorch is the King of the Dragon Thestrals and one of the oldest veterans of the EVIL. What ensued between me and him was and forever will be cemented in my memory.

"I don't know." The reptilian stallion scratched at his chin. "Such an impractical place, not like a dungeon. You have to jump through so many hoops in order to pull off a setup like this, from fortifying the doors and walls, to protecting yourself from snipers, to enforcing security. It just doesn't add up. This isn't even her castle, but the far more well known Canterlot Castle. Heck, the princesses that actually live in there actively avoid attacking the EVIL directly. Out of every place you could take a prisoner, she just had to choose... Actually, that's where I'd take my death row prisoners..."

"...Who even are you?"

"Never mind, I believe I know a way to get at least one of us to the top of that tower without being spotted."

"You do?"

"It's better than what's going on at the gate." Jack, Aurora, and the stallion look over the edge of Lord Orangutan to see a massive sea of villains crowded at the front doors of the castle, holding a massive stone pillar above them.

"Heave!" One of the villains below shouted. The stone pillar is slammed into the doors, only to shatter into rubble and the doors to remain stiff. "...Damn it."

"So," The large stallion lifted his hoof up to Jack. "You in?"

Jack examined the hoof. After a brief moment of thought, he nods, "Sure. Let's do this." With a firm grip, the two shake hooves.

"Good. Get to the edge of Lord Orangutan and just stay still."

Jack obeyed the villain's orders and stood at the edge.

"Now what?"

"Turn around."

Jack turned around, facing away from him and Aurora.

"And..."

"And..." The stallion slowly lowered his black horn. It began to glow a vibrant red and vibrated violently. "Wait, one question little guy. What level are you?"

"Uhhh... 2?"

"Oh, okay."

"Wait, why would you want to-" The stallion's horn flashed. A torrent of fire burst from it and into Jack's behind. Squealing in a high pitch tone, Jack in carried from the pillar of fire and into one of the small windows of the castle.

Aurora gasped as silence quickly followed Jack's disappearance into the castle.

A faint voice called out from inside. "I'm okay! I'm okay! These guards around me seem burnt, but I'm good!"

"Oh, he actually survived." The reptilian stallion remarked. He turned to look at Aurora, only to be met with a fierce glare. "What? I wasn't intending to kill him."

"Heave!" The cries of villains roared above the castle as they slam another stone pillar into the doors of the castle. Upon contact with the wooden doors, the pillar bursted into small pieces and rained onto them.

One villain cried out, "Oh come on!"

"We're never gonna break this down!" Another screamed.

"I need to go to the bathroom!" A third one called out.

Cyberdame and Doctor Wyly were quietly standing at the back of the massive mob, watching over the villains' futile attempts to break in.

"Sheesh," Cyberdame groaned. "What does it take to break into a freaking castle?"

"It's not that easy." Wyly remarked. "Based on recon information, our hero can snipe down anything that gets above Lord Orangutan's shoulders, a powerful stealth protection spell appears to have been casted into the castle structure, and guards are at every possible entry point into the castle where the shield isn't so strong, like the windows and such."

"Then where are the shield-busters? Actually, where are most of the higher-level villains?" Cyberdame asked. "The only one I see is Lord Orangutan, and he's just standing there."

"They didn't feel like showing up to help. They mostly just gave a few million bits in 'pity donations' for their part in this rescue. Lord O. over there is 'providing moral support'."

"That's stupid!"

"Well, it's legal."

SPLAT

Blood could be felt splattering onto Wyly's tail, located right next to Cyberdame.

"..." Dr. W hesitated before confronting her. "Uh... Did you just-"

"-No." Cyberdame interrupted him, feeling thick liquid run down her tail. "I was about to ask if you got a paper cut earlier today."

"Fellow villains! I have urgent news for you all!" A familiar voice loudly declared behind the two.

"Ohhh..." The two said in unison before turning around to see their friend surrounding in a ring of blood. "Hey Dr. Opium."

The stallion replied, "Oh yes, hello Wyly. And you as well... gah..."

"..." Cyberdame stayed quiet.

"Err..." Opium rubbed his hooves over his eyebrows. "Confound it! What is your name! You have the bracelet of friendship that was blessed onto you by my daughter!"

"Cyber-"

"Lesley Quinn!!!"

"Can you please call me by my ti-"

"With that matter taken care of, I have a declaration of information to bestow upon all of you that I have obtained within the Infernal Realms! It appears that a barrier, manifested from the art of magic, surrounds the castle!"

"Yeah, we have kno-"

"But that is not the worst of this message! The worst is that this barrier is present in the Infernal Realms! Fellow enactors of villainy! We are dealing with magic that possesses origins that have been declared forbidden!"

"...You done?" Cyberdame raised an eyebrow.

"...Yes."

"Relax Lesley-Cyberdame," Dr. W. caught himself. "You know how much your friend's dad loves to emote in his old speaking style."

"He's your best friend." Cyberdame replied. "Can't you just, convince him not to?"

"Well, we aren't exactly, friend-friends, we just see each other often at the Sub-Guild of Doctors-"

Dr. Opium interrupted Dr. W., "My friends of nerdiness! Do you not understand the true peril we may be facing?!"

"Oh, yeah," Dr. W. nodded, a bit stung from Opium's interruption. "Super-Bad-Magic-Stuff. That's pretty much a Tuesday for the EVIL."

"Regardless! Even as we bear the title of villains, conditions of working is still a matter to attend to! It is a threat to our livelihoods..."

As the two doctors continued their conversation, something began to tickle Cyberdame's ear. The advanced watch on her leg then lit up and produced an electronic hum. She examined the watch, and quickly came to a realization.

"Guys..." She called out for the doctors.

"I told you!" Dr. W. barked at Opium, ignoring Cyberdame. "I did not steal the muffins you brought!"

"Guys." Cyberdame called again.

Dr. Opium retorted, "Those muffins were cooked above the lakes of fire within the Infernal Realms! My very life was put at risk to deliver those pastries to the meeting place! The only way one would obtain them without my detection was if a device of cloaking was implemented! Who is the only villain in the guild that possess such a device?!"

"Guys!" Cyberdame yelled.

"Like, all of them!" Dr. W. snapped. "Do you know how easy it is to make one?"

"Guys! Hey!" Cyberdame shouted. It still didn't get their attention.

"I desire to proclaim a declaration of bullshit unto thy argument!" Opium declared, pointing at Wyly.

"JACKASSES!" Cyberdame screamed. "Listen!"

The two doctors froze in place before turning their attention to Cyberdame.

"It appears that my sensors have detected a unique electromagnetic frequency emanating from Dr. Opium's body. This frequency has been theorized to be the perfect boundary between radio waves and physical magic, but could never be confirmed due to the magic-magnetic field that surrounds the planet interfering with measurements. He must've picked it up due to the lack of such fiends in the... realms he portals through."

"...Meaning?" Dr. Opium asked.

"That means that there is an electronic device inside the castle that is producing physical magic!" Wyly exclaimed.

"Wait," Opium said. "A fusion of the technological arts and the magical arts?! Indeed! Our hero has broken the laws that balance the forces of our universe! She is playing god! I declare, we must stop her!"

"Indeed." Wyly nods. "If I could find what units make up the central processing, I can create a MEM Pulse Cannon that can penetrate the shield and corrupt the device."

Cyberdame quickly replied. "I can mimic the radio waves created by the device and input a Trojan-Guard to look over the programming. There, we can identify what range of units run on the device's programming platform."

"And I shall proceed to bathe once more in the aura this barrier produces in the Infernal Realms to further enhance your studies!" Dr. Opium declared.

His horn glowed a vibrant grey as the ground surrounding the stallion doctor turned red. It quickly liquefied into a small pool of what can be assumed to be blood. Large claws then emerged from the liquid and grabbed Opium, standing on top of the liquid. In one-fell-swoop, the arms dragged Opium into the red pool, leaving no trace of him behind.

The pool faded back into the ground that once was there, leaving a ring of fresh blood in its wake.

After watching Opium disappear before him, Wyly simply remarked, "Do Dr. O's portals always have to leave such a large mess?"

As Jack wandered lost through the dark halls of the castle, his mind was busy thinking of a plan.

What am I supposed to do when I come across Twilight? He thought. I'm a pretty fast flyer, so... that's a plus. Then again, so can she. ...Shit, I'm virtually boned.

"I don't like this..." A voice echoed from the end of the hall Jack was in. "Twilight is taking this too far."

The voice sounded familiar to Jack, like that of a celebrity he's heard on the radio or seen on the TV. Given this is Canterlot Castle, it had to be. Jack quickly became curious. He quietly scurried down the hall and pressed his ear against the wall that separated him and the source of the voice and listened.

"We should go up there and talk to her." The voice continued.

"Sister," another voice replied, sounding concerned. "As much as you, as well as I, are concerned of for Twilight, confronting her is a dangerous idea. We could accidentally trigger a losing war between Equestria and the EVIL."

"What else can we do? We're basically held hostage inside our own castle. Those villains could break in here and kill us at any moment."

"We are prominent political figures, they'll only kill us if it fits their guidelines. If we stand in the same room where the blood of one of theirs spills, then they have every reason to kill us and anypony that gets in their way. We can simply stay down here and let this blow over between her and them, whether she kills her target or not. Going up there will run the risk of triggering Twilight and get us killed."

"Tia, you once held so much faith in Twilight when you took her under your wing. She would never forget what you've done for her. Just talk to her, convince her to let the villain go."

"..."

Jack couldn't believe this. He was virtually right next to the famed alicorn princesses, the first nonetheless, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. He could barely hold himself back from squeeing.

Luna continued to insist, "You were Twilight's mentor. Trust me. This will work."

"Luna, you know how unstable Twilight is now after what happened to her friend? What if she has forgotten? Just like when..."

"Like?"

"...1000 years ago..."

"..."

"..."

"...Well I'm going."

"Luna! Don't!"

The door right next to Jack swung open, nearly slamming into his face. And out from the door emerged the massive black alicorn known as Luna, with her ethereal mane projecting the night sky onto Jack's awestruck eyes. Luna didn't notice him as she continued forward and headed to Twilight.

Sniffling could then be heard from the other room, held back, but still audible. As much as Jack wanted to comfort the princess, he had a job to do. As Luna entered another door in the hall, Jack followed behind, and continued following her to the tower.

"Huh," Luna spoke to herself. "Where are the guards?"

"Scorch, is Jack going to be okay?" Aurora asked the reptilian stallion to her side.

"It's Count Scorch to you," he replied, fluffing his green mane.

"Is Jack going to be okay?!"

"I have no idea-He's in Canterlot Castle! Two princesses reside here and guards can be found around every corner of this place. Add another that actively kills villains of any level, and Jack might as well be dead at this point."

"You killed him!"

"I did not. I merely sent him into the castle. He wanted to do it. It's like helping somepony commit suicide."

"..."

Aurora lightly punched Scorch in his shoulder, knocking him back a few inches.

"Madam, I have no other means of defending my circumstance. Surely a pretty mare like yourself would understand."

"Bah..." Aurora breathed deeply, returning her gaze to the shattered window. "Poor Jack, he must be scared out of his life in there..."

"This is the greatest day ever!" Jack quietly squeed as he followed Luna up the stairs of the main tower. "I'm about to save a Level 9 villain from the clutches of my arch-nemesis alongside the most famous ex-villain known! Nightmare Moon was ranked as a Level 4, sure, but she was terrifying!"

"Twilight Sparkle!" Luna declared, having stopped at the top of the stairs and before the open door to where Twilight and Chainaxeman were.

Twilight's voice could be heard talking back in an almost bitter tone, "Oh, Princess Luna, it's you again."

"Twilight, this has gone too far," Luna stomped her hoof down. "Remember the teachings Celestia has given you, the teachings of mercy, even to your enemies."

"Did they show mercy when she died? Why do they deserve it?"

"They are not all the same as the one who killed her. Please, listen-"

"No, how about you listen? You know what you sound like? You sound like a villain, a villain! 'Oh no, defend the bad pony. Sure, he dedicates his life to screwing over others, but there might be some good in him. Blah-blah-blah, bullshit-bullshit-bullshit!'" Twilight mocked her.

Luna's breathing built up in speed and power. Jack knew she was getting annoyed really quickly. Luna walked into the room, and Jack sneaked up to the door and poked his head out from the corner to get a good look.

The room on the other side was a large observatory, with stone pillars were the only things separating the dome roof to the tiled floor. Mirrors were set onto the pillars and angled slightly downwards, giving anypony inside a 360 degree view of their surroundings just outside the castle. Three ponies were inside the room, Princess Luna, Twilight Sparkle, and her victim tied to one of the pillar bases, Berserkersteel Chainaxemane.

Jack's eyes soon locked onto Chainaxemane, and he couldn't help but to let his jaw drop to the floor.

Name: Berserkersteel Chainaxemane
Level: 9
Title: Motherfucking Berserkersteel Chainaxemane

The coolest villain ever! I mean, look at him! He's a Mecha-Alicorn made of black awesomium (Yes, that is a real element), who breathes black fire, has super strength, shoots lasers from his eyes, vomits miniature shark missiles, and has the best selection of heavy metal music in his head that he can blare out at any second! Sure, he's tied to a pillar with his own metal and getting the shit slapped out of him, but who cares! He's so fucking cool!

"Oh really?" Luna calmly retorted. "I seem to recall some of your closest friends having once dedicating themselves to such activities; Discord, Starlight Glimmer, Trixie, Sunset Shimmer, and many others. You dare to spew such hypocrisy from your mouth, with your only form of defense being the loss of a loved one?"

"I... I... I don't care!"

Luna slowly approached Twilight, drawing herself within metres of her and the villain.

"Is this how a princess behaves? Is this how a hero enacts justice? Is this even how an innocent mind thinks?! Twilight! Please! You are becoming what you hate!" Luna began to tear up as she continued. "This is not you! You are better than this! Remember when you were still Celestia's student?"

Twilight immediately cried, "Shut up!"

Without a second thought, Twilight whipped her body around and bucked her hind hooves into Luna's chest. The force launched her against the wall next to the door. Slowly, Luna slumped down to the floor. She clutched her chest with her hoof as groans escaped from her throat.

Name: Twilight Sparkle
Estimated Level: 7
Title: Princess of Friendship

TROUBLE

Twilight was lost for words. As she looked over the fallen princess, her small hooves slowly creeped up to her cheeks. However, Twilight forced them back down to the floor. She turned her back to Luna and slowly approached Berserkersteel. Despite having a singular robotic face, Jack and Twilight could see that he was terrified.

"What type of living organism are you?" He muttered.

"She got in the way," Twilight coldly declared. "If I didn't know any better, I would've thought she as well was still a villain, and killed her on the spot. You on the other hoof, are just as dead as the metal you were made from. Nothing is going to stop me now."

Slowly, Twilight lowered her horn to the robotic stallion's head. It began to glow a vibrant lavender, before turning into a furious magenta. The red lights on Berserkersteel's face faded into darkness. The observatory cried with the squeals of magic compressing into her horn. Twilight is about to fire.

"Hold it right there!" A stallion's voice brutally declared behind her.

Twilight remained stiff as stone. But slowly, the glow of her horn faded away. The wailing of magic turned faint. Taking as few steps as possible, Twilight turned to look over her shoulder, and see Jack Ripper, standing only a metre her.

"Who are you?" She asked.

"..." Jack stayed quiet.

He hadn't really planned what to say after "hold it right there".

"I," he began. Nervousness was already leaping into his voice.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! Jack's mind raced. I'm so fucked! She's gonna kill me! It hasn't even been a day! Why did I sign up for this shit?! No-no-no, just keep calm and carry on. Yeah... Just, imitate Black Sun. I am his legacy after all!

"...You are?" Twilight asked, immediately becoming impatient.

Channeling his old master's words, Jack proudly proclaimed to her, "I am Black Dawn! I am your worst nightmare! I am the newest villain on the block! I have come to rescue my ally from the clutches of darkness-light! I meant light. I am the arrows that blot out the sun! I am the scales of injustice! I am the conductor of the choir of... death! I am the one that runs from both the living and the... dead, yeah! I am... I AM the one who grabs the sun! I am... I... uh... I am the shadow that hides from even the shadows!"

"...You done now?"

"I'm fucked." Berserkersteel moaned. "If this is what the EVIL calls a rescue mission, I pray to whatever gods you worship I at least get buried in a shark that shoots laser beams."

Twilight swiftly turned around and aimed her horn right between Jack's eyes. Light flashed into his eyes. The roar of magic pierced his ears. His bowels almost emptied themselves.

She spoke, "As I said, nothing is going to stop me now."

We will return to the "The Daily Life of a Villain" after this break...

Author's Note

Yeah, in this slightly altered continuity, Twilight's nuts. Or well, now a full-on hero with a few mental issues, like Batman.