Her Majesty Commands we convert these savages
And so it was by Her Majesty's command, that we came to this new world. Our goal was a simple one, to bring civilization and virtue to these unwashed creatures, to show them our superior ways, and those that would not comply would be put down. They were bizarre and disturbing to look upon, even more so than the inferior breeds of our kind that inhabit the lands beyond our kingdom's native borders.
A brief glance at their history reveals how close they came to destroying themselves, it is our obligation to see that these savages are given the guidance they clearly need. In fact, it is my opinion that some of our people must have visited them in the past and saved them from themselves before, only to be lost to history.
One only has to look at the bizarre, right-yet-wrong similarities between their construction style and ordinary items and ours to realize they are clearly are building atop the remains of a lost domain of our forefathers, so we are thrice obligated to both grant them our protection and rulership. And to purify them of the flaws and degenerations they have clearly suffered in our absence.
As civilized people, I implore that we should spare as many as possible, and kill the savage within them, while uplifting them to being truly civilized creatures.
The natives were at first surprised at our arrival, some regarded us with suspicion, but the vast majority welcomed us with open arms. We have done and instructed to do our best to avoid fraternizing with the savages. They were in awe of us. Did their best to impress us with some of their parlor tricks of strange contraptions. We were not enthralled by such childish cantrips.
We provided some trade with the natives, learning of their defenses and strengths, and saw they were ripe for being granted the blessing of being Her Majesty's subjects.
We expanded our beachhead, spreading further and further from our entry point as all our citizens by now know. Transforming the savage's land into something civilized.
We ignored the savages immature claims that we were impeding on the 'sovereignty' of their lands, but we were not deterred. Then, my simple sister (who should have never ventured out among the savages to begin with), naively, publicly announced our intention to bring salvation to the savages, to save them from themselves, and of our natural superiority.
And the leaders of the savages did demand that we cease our expansion, and retract what my sister had foolishly spoken, and withdraw our force-of-arms, and we would still welcome as friends. By Her Majesty, we would not be dictated to by barbaric primitives.
We took some of the primitives' young, and assured they would be properly enlightened and cleansed of their barbaric nature.
The primitives tried ransoms and pleading to retrieve them first. We did not heed. They warned us that we would pay dearly if we did not return the young. We took their warnings with a grain of salt. We would convert these young savages into civilized creatures.
As an officer and former member of Her Majesty's Royal Guard, tis my sad duty to impart the shameful disaster that descended upon us.
Twas chaos, madness. Even now I am still not certain what had occurred, only that it was as if death itself had descended upon us.
A shameful, traitorous part of me now wonders, was our inglorious defeat inevitable from the start? Had we never any hope of winning? Wrought upon us was death and destruction too terrible for any sane creature to wield!
We were prepared to smite these ungrateful creatures, twas for their own good to cure them of the insanity they clung to.
We prepared to march against them, but before we were in sight of the enemy, the ground underneath us exploded as if the land was erupting! For a mad moment I dared think it was so, until it became clear this was no random tantrum of the world, but the explosions happened among our troops, I knew we were under attack.
But the worse was yet to come... I can barely described it, metal birds swooped out of the sky, tearing us to shreds, I can still hear their vile screeching.
And our ships... they exploded... as if cannons fired from the depths of the sea were struck upon them. As if a ship from submerged under the blue marine was attacking us. I ordered barrels of gun powder lit with waterproof fuses thrown overboard to drive out our unseen enemy. And yes, I saw their corpses rise.
Then it was as if nature itself had turned against us!
The tides had gone mad! Twisting and turning! Bashing our ships. We were forced to retreat, but Her Majesty's army was not defeated. Oh no. We swore to the savages that we would return and burn their lands to ash and not one stone lay on top of another of their cities, and they would be made civilized by hook or by crook.
We returned, we brought the entire might of Her Majesty's kingdom upon them! With our best cannons we struck at their cities... But it was for caught, as some barrier blocked our cannonballs.
We were given one final warning to retreat back from wince we came or face annihilation. That this was the last and final warning or we would not live to see another day. We did not head it.
Then... oh merciful heavens... the fire... the FIRE! It was blinding! A bright flash, and then... the water in the ocean itself exploded into steam, rising up and up, annihilating more ships than Her Majesty has ever lost in the history of our entire kingdom! A great mushroom shaped cloud rose up from where our navy had been... nothing remained!
Our dreams offered no salvation, as I, and my men, all reported of a terrible demon with a booming voice haunting our sleep, leaving us as broke and tired as before we had rested! Demanding we not return or face our doom!
Oh Her Majesty, how could such a humiliation come to the Glorious British Empire? How have we displeased God to bring such wrath upon us? To have so many our of countrymen, slain, to have our glorious invincible navy driven back by mere ponies.
--
While King Leo's Aquastrian Guard were willing to risk themselves again to bomb the enemy's ships from below, it would not be without casualties to his people.
The Diamond Dogs meanwhile had completed their operation without a single loss, at least... to their own kind. When it was explained to them that the invaders would strip them of their precious jewels and other treasures, they entered an alliance with us ponies of Equestria for the sake of beating back the invaders. Say what you will about Diamond Dogs, but one Diamond Dog can dig tunnels faster than an entire mining crew of earth ponies. And they'd evolved the talent for hearing what was above them, and planted the bombs accordingly.
The armored pegasi and griffin divisions attacked from above as the Diamond Dogs attacked from below using clouds as cover. We were prepared to send storm clouds and tornados at them if they had not then retreated. Princess Celestia hoped that would be the end of it, and they'd be willing to now negotiate a peace. Instead they came back in far greater numbers, thankfully our strongest shield producing unicorn was able to protect the entire city from their onslaught.
At the unanimous vote of the Equestrian Parliament, and the encouragement of her own sister, and after many warnings fell on deaf ears, Princess Celestia reluctantly brought the fury of the sun upon them with remorse and pain on her face.
This is noted as the first and last time in Equestrian History that Princess Celestia used the dreaded 'solar flare' spell. Also known with dark humor as 'Celly's Mushroom Maker.'
What survivors remained were offered more mercy than they'd intended to show the ponies.
Author's Note
April Fools.
