Area Human Makes too Many Friends, Writes about His Experience to Celestia
PONYVILLE—Local human, Bob Blarney, was arrested for assaulting a baby dragon with a "Blarney Bag" and forcing it to burn a letter to Princess Celestia. Princess Twilight Sparkle said she will not be pressing charges against Blarney. "At first I was really angry. I felt violated that somedude would touch my property, but then Celestia sent me a copy of the letter, and the only reason I'm not still laughing is because I have a Valium addiction." When asked about her addiction and how it might affect her reign, she gave a cryptic reply:
"Smartypants."
The inhabitants of Ponyville seem to know what her statement means, but none were willing to step forward with information.
Princess Celestia was unavailable for comment, but Princess Luna, wearing ear plugs, was kind enough to provide an unverified copy of the letter. "I really don't see why everyone thinks this is so funny. It is a mockery of our ancient traditions of capital punishment. This is why death lotteries should be held yearly." Historical research indicates Princess Luna does not understand the difference between fact and fiction. For example, she once refused to exit her room for one thousand years while claiming she had been banished to the "moon" by her sister. "I ran out of toilet paper in the first week.", said Princess Luna.
The letter can be read here:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned I have a family of squatters living on my land, I have a common-law marriage with the mother of the family, how not to store mulch, and how much your laws suck ass. I'm a landscaper by contractual obligation and I don't have much storage space, so I leave most of my supplies outside to mildew. Don't judge me, it ain't like it won't mildew on its own when I'm done with it. I really don't know what I'm doing half the time, but I don't think my competence is why your ponies keep hiring me to do yard work. That's why I didn't realize storing bags of mulch outside is the same as building a nest for a colony of ants:
There I was, hefting a gigantic bag, whose ant colony did not last long in my manly hands. Soon it became clear I was becoming the ant colony, and I discovered my talent for performing interpretive dance. The correct interpretation, by the way, is "Aaaaugh! I got ants in my pants!", and I refuse to entertain exaggerated claims of the author's death. To hell with Berry Punch, I was not lamenting the plight of having a hangover after a hard night's partying and I do not want to go to a mosh pit with her. She aims below the belt, and that's not cool.
Queen Solenopsis Invicta is tolerable considering her species, but she wants to colonize my body's plumbing, and she's not giving me a choice about it. If I don't let her do it I'll be forced to pay several million bits per month in maggot support because of your insane marriage laws, and there ain't no rest for the wicked.
With a mighty burn in my urethra,
-Bob Blarney
P.S. You should really make divorce a thing; go all Henry VIII on the courts. It'll be awesome, I promise.
The research team behind Ripley's Believe It or Not confirmed this is the first instance of someentity using both a post script and a semicolon in a single document. "It's truly fascinating the wacky things you'll see idiot foreigners do. You'll never see this kind of pretension from a pony; we like to keep our words simple and perspicuous." For this find, popular news publication and paragon of journalistic integrity, The Onion, will be awarded 20 bits and this story will be featured in Ripley's next issue. In unrelated news it is expected The Onion's readership will double to 34 subscribers.
Berry Punch confirmed she does aim below the belt on purpose. "Yeah, it's, like, totally my raison d'etre. Raisins, berries into raisins." Unfortunately, the interview had to be cut short because Punch is a crazy bitch, but she did comment on Blarney's dance. "He was rocking out and smacking his crotch over and over again, and it really spoke to me. It was the perfect expression of a mare's soul."
Sweet Bulbs, former journalist for The Onion, is currently pressing charges against Punch for assault, investigating the feasibility of a class action lawsuit against her, filing for a restraining order against her, and buying a NuttyBuddy. "I don't have much money, but if somelawyer would be willing to do this pro-boner, I'd really appreciate the help. Oh, hey, and mention in the interview that I'm winking right now." Bulbs did not wink with her eyes. "Fuck you, dude. You're a goddamn traitor.", Bulbs said after reading the rough draft. He was later fired for attempting to sabotage the printing press.
According to Leek Hunter, editor in chief of The Onion, Bulbs was known for not being able to take a joke. "I wouldn't have published any of that if he hadn't been such a tool."
Queen Solenopsis Invicta and Blarney held an official wedding ceremony on the first of April. According to Invicta the ceremony was a small affair and only 900 billion ants from 400 different colonies were invited. "I know this has been a big change for my hubby, so I wanted to make sure he was comfortable. He didn't want the ceremony at all, but what's a relationship without compromise?" Blarney was not available for comment because his mouth was full of ants. Ω
Author's Note
I do landscaping work on the side, and I actually made this mistake the other day. I had to work with ants in my pants until I could take a shower, and it was absolutely miserable. Think of that one episode of King of the Hill, and you've got a pretty good idea of what it was like:
Solenopsis invicta are fire ants, by the way. Luckily I wasn't infested with them.
