Chapters Agents of S.W.O.R.D (Or at least, one and a replacement...)
Today started out well enough, Bon Bon mused. No, that wasn't her name. It was Sweetie Drops, and only Sweetie Drops. Despite what her girlfriend insisted on calling her, her real name was the one she'd go by. Ah Lyra... That fur of hers drove... Sweetie shook her head to clear it. It was best to stay on task today. Really best to stay on task, as things had gone from good to bad with one phone call from her partner. Her OTHER partner. And I don't mean the one who she was in love with.
"YOU'RE WHAT!?!" Sweetie yelled over the phone at the news she'd been given. "How the... How'd this happen?"
"I told you, went on a candy binge." Agent Do's voice said in response, before it quickly changed into that of a sick groan. Sweetie sighed. She knew exactly what happened here. It wasn't the first time, after all.
"...You ate those sherbert fancies and got sick to your stomach again, didn't you?" She said flatly.
"Yeah... That about sums it up." Do groaned before Sweetie quickly heard the sound of retching. She winced. Agent Do would be out of it for a while, so she hung up the phone in disgust. The she did what she always did when this happened. She opted for grabbing a pillow, stuffing her face into it before letting out a loud scream.
Her problem still fresh in her mind, Sweetie made her way to her agency's secret headquarters. Okay, maybe it wasn't so secret as it had a big sign saying "Headquarters of S.W.O.R.D. Do not enter. This means you!" outside it. Once she was inside, she pulled on her fedora (Multiple purpose!) and her sunglasses. (They did nothing, except made her look cool.) After that, she went to see Major Spitfire in her office, whom she found throwing darts into a picture of her ex, Soaring. Long story short, it didn't well after a unfortunate incident with a living cream pie.
"Agent Drops. Always a pleasure." Spitfire said with a smile, before tossing a dart behind her and it landed on Soaring's face with pinpoint accuracy.
"We uh, have a little problem." Sweetie admitted, as she felt a headache coming on as she remembered the phone call that would probably spell doom for her sometime in the near future.
"So I heard. Do's out sick again." Spitfire said, much to Sweetie's shock.
"How'd you know?" She asked, too stunned to hide her shock. She cursed mentally, normally she was good at hiding her emotions.
"Do called me. Explained everything." Spitfire said, and Sweetie groaned. Her headache increased.
"...Of course she did." She stated flatly. "So I guess that means pairing me up with Agent Smith again for the time being?" Sweetie asked nervously. She hated that stallion. Always hitting on her. It got annoying... rapidly. She actually sighed in relief when the Major shook her head.
"Relax, he's not free. Actually, I don't know where he is. Last I heard he was seen on a date with a mare... Actually, never mind. I know exactly where he is. Shameless, that one." Spitfire muttered.
"So who?"
"Dunno. I'll think of something soon. In the meantime, spend some time with that marefriend of yours. Might do you some good. You really need to loosen up." Spitfire told her with another smile. "I can... recommend a few things." She added with a flirtatious grin and a laugh.
That was enough for Sweetie, and she bolted out of there. Spitfire laughed and got back to living out her fantasy of darting Soaring.
"Too easy, that one. Really needs to lighten up. Now where were we...? Ah yes, I remember."
She threw another dart.
Sweetie, once she had gotten as far away from her newest embarrassment by her boss went to see Lyra who currently was in the middle of watching one of her trashy TV shows "Desperate Housemares". Sweetie sighed and facehoofed. Least it wasn't the worst one she'd cause her seeing, like that cooking show she'd been a little too interested in at one point. She still suspected it was because of that cute mare it was hosted by.
"You really have too much time on your hooves. You need a job." Sweetie told her dryly. "Those shows rot your brain."
Lyra kissed her before rolling her eyes.
"Like I haven't caught you watching Dr Horse from time to time when I come over." She smirked in reply.
Sweetie sputtered, caught off guard for the second, no third, time today and was unable to form words for a brief few moments. When she finally regained power of speech she replied "I thought we agreed never to speak of that!"
Lyra shook her head.
"No, I agreed. Should have made me Pinkie Promise."
Sweetie groaned and began banging her head against a wall. Her marefriend was really infuriating sometimes. If as to add insult to injury...
"You know, I don't think Dr Horse would recommend that!" Lyra laughed.
Sweetie only banged her head harder and cursed under her breath, something that would make a sailor proud if he ever were to hear it. Finally Lyra stopped her teasing and took pity on her before rubbing her shoulders.
"You're having a really bad day, aren't you?" She asked in sympathy.
"You have no idea..." Sweetie groaned out. "And because I know you're going to ask what I'm on about..." She started before Lyra could say one word that were forming in her mouth. "Remember Agent Do's love for those little treats of hers? She binged on them again, and well... I'm out a partner for the time being."
Lyra's big grin was... concerning to say the least.
"Oh my gosh, I can totally recommend someone!" She said a little too excitedly for Sweetie's liking. She had a very bad feeling of upcoming doom coming on to her.
"Who?" She asked, and braced for it.
"Me!" Lyra said in excitement. Ah, there it was. Exactly as she was expecting. It was a little known fact that Lyra loved spy and spy fiction in general, second only to her human love. She'd been over the moon when she started dating Sweetie, needless to say. As for Sweetie herself she used the only natural reaction.
"WHAT!?!"
Agents of S.W.O.R.D (Or at least, one and a replacement...)
Agent Sweetie groaned as she rolled away from the outstretched forelegs of her partner after a rather... Ahem, nice night together to put it rather politely. She quickly corrected herself. No, she wasn't Agent Sweetie right now. Just Bon Bon. The sun shown through the bedroom window, making her wince. Why'd it have to be so bright? She kept telling Lyra to get darker curtains. Looks like she forgot again. That wasn't the only annoyance, there was also the fact that the alarm clock kept beeping. But not for much longer, as soon It (Sweetie swore that thing was alive and aware of her hatred for it.) was thrown out the window.
CRASH!
Oh well, she could always buy her marefriend a new one. A hopefully non self-aware one. The window, not the alarm clock. Hateful things, those were. Speaking of her marefriend, she muttered "Bonnie..." in her sleep. Damnit, why'd she have be so cute? Sweetie fussed with her mane to keep it nice and professional looking, worthy of a agent of her level.
"Look at me..." Sweetie muttered. "I'm so unprofessional right now. Spitfire would have my head if she saw me looking like this. Suspect she wants me to look like a agent even in situations like this."
Then her watch beeped the way it always did when Sweetie had a mission.
"Speaking of the Tirek spawn..."
She half considered ignoring it as she gazed on Lyra. Right now, time with her was more on her mind. This could wait. But then the watch beeped it's "Answer your boss right now or you get fired" tone. Sweetie sighed, got up and grabbed her hat and sunglasses. The morning had started off so well.
After she'd left, Lyra felt her side. Where'd her agent gone? Where was her Bonnie? He eyes went wide open and she went for her closet and grabbed a broom from it. If somepony wanted to kidnap her marefriend, they'd deal with the strings! After thinking this, she realized something.
"...I really need a better catchphrase."
Sweetie went outside and stood by a palm tree on a beach which opened up to reveal a tube downwards. In another life, she suspected this would have theme music playing at this point for some reason. Eventually, Sweetie made it down to her secret headquarters where there was a big screen with Spitfire's face on it. She saw Sweetie's appearance and smirked.
"Seems someone had a nice night. A REALLY nice night. Hope you did some of those recommendations I wanted to... suggest." She said as Sweetie flushed red. Spitfire howled with laughed as Sweetie gave her a level ten, no eleven death glare. If looks could kill, Spitfire would be dead on the floor and already in a casket.
"Can we just get down to business?" She growled as the sound of teeth grinding could be heard. Spitfire only laughed her head off harder then before, but quickly recomposed herself once she'd had her fun. A picture of a dark maned unicorn stallion appeared on screen. he had green eyes and wore a nice suit. Sweetie's eyes widened. She knew exactly who this was.
"Sombra..." She muttered.
"Good to see you've done your reading." Spitfire said proudly. "Sombra Ironhoof, the worst of the worst. Least he's got a cool name like me."
A voice came from out of view near Spitfire.
"And me as well!" It yelled and Spitfire sighed before turning to the voice's direction.
"Agent SMITH, I already told you, your name is not that cool." She told him before turning back to Sweetie. "Recently, we've been getting reports he's been calling all of his nasty little super-villain friends to his manor in the Crystal Mountains. We don't know what they're up to but we can assure you it's not good. The only thing we can give you is that S.W.O.R.D Spy-Sats are detecting a large amount of heat from at the manor's observatory. Find out what it is, at once." Spitfire ordered before a crash sounded from off screen. Spitfire sighed once more. "SMITH! Stay out of my cider stores! Hey, come back here!"
The screen shut off and Sweetie put her face into her hooves.
"Now how am I supposed to do this without a partner...?" She asked, expecting no answer. But she got one.
"Aww Bonnie, you know you got me." Lyra's voice said, and Sweetie looked up. In front of her, in her supposed to be SECRET lair was Lyra holding a broomstick. She had a big grin on her face. The kind of grin that made one feel uncomfortable. Agent Sweetie had that feeling of certain doom coming on. She suspected a need for a big cup of coffee was in her future. Also, pain and humiliation. Lots of that.
"You know. you really should keep that entrance locked. Could let the bugs get in." She said casually, and this was too much for a certian agent. Sweetie spattered several nonsensical words before her eyes rolled up into her head and she fainted dead away in her chair. Lyra waved a hoof in front of her marefriend's face in concern.
"Uh, Bonnie? BONNIE!" She shouted in concern. "You alright there?"
Later, at S.W.O.R.D Headquarters Sweetie got ready for her mission. By getting ready I meant getting weapons. Lots and lots of weapons. It never hurt to be prepared, after all.
"Is all of these really... needed?" Lyra asked. Sweetie still didn't know how she got in. "Bit overkill isn't it?"
Sweetie chuckled and shook her head as she grabbed a big gun. And I do mean a very BIG gun.
"Trust me, where we're going big is better. No such thing as overkill. Well, unless we grabbed a nucleur warhead. Then yeah, that would be overkill." She admitted. She inspected her toy. What it did, nopony knew except for the rumors they'd heard from the labs which mainly consisted of the three weapons techs responsible for it's creation fainting and saying "Oh, the horror! The horror!" Refocusing her thoughts, she grabbed a tiny pistol and threw it to Lyra.
"So, what does this do? Bit wimpy, seems kinda small." She said sourly until her face brightened up as a thought struck her at that moment. "Wait, does this make somepony explode into a pile of goop?"
Sweetie sighed and facehoofed. Headache was back.
"You've been watching too many late night movies. C'mon, let's get going. Our ride's waiting. This way." She said, gesturing with her hoof before trotting off down a hallway. Lyra followed her excitedly, a big grin on her face.
Agents of S.W.O.R.D (Or at least, one and a replacement...)
Let the flank-kicking begin... Hopefully.
It was a few hours later Sweetie and Lyra were a few miles outside of Sombra's manor home. Night had fallen, and stars glistened in the sky. One flew by overhead, and Sweetie made a wish. Said wish was that this mission went off without a hitch and Lyra would be fine. Celestia above, she wished she had Agent-No, Daring on this mission with her. It would make things so much easier with two well trained agents doing this, instead of one and a mare who only read spy novels. But she'd make do. Lyra could handle herself, if the last time somepony tried to mug her was any indication. Long story short, what basically happened was said mugger ended up in the hospital thanks to several concussions from Lyra's handbag. Oh he lived alright, but nobody ever messed with her marefriend again once the story had got around town. Sweetie was so proud that day, and Lyra about fainted when she heard the other ponies calling her the "Almighty Princess of Handbags and Flank Kicking with them." Sweetie still cracked up when somepony called her that.
"Hey? You alright?" Daring's voice said over the cellphone as they neared the manor in a catering van. "You get to your job okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Completely fine. I'm cool, you know me. Complete and utter badass." Sweetie said, trying to hide her nervousness but her partner wasn't fooled in the slightest. She knew how to pick up on subtle things and had learned it long ago.
"What are you hiding? Please don't tell me you went on this mission alone?" Daring asked, showing a rare tone of concern. She knew Sweetie could handle herself, but Sombra was high on the most wanted list for a reason. Last time some agents were sent to take him down all that was left were several hooves in body bags sent to S.W.O.R.D Headquarters.
"No, I got a partner with me." Sweetie replied.
"Please tell me it's not Smith. Hate that guy."
"No... It's... Daring, no way to tell you this but it's Lyra." She said, and braced herself for what came next.
"WHAT! But... But she's not even qualified! How'd you even swing this past Spits?" Daring yelled. "Wait, please tell me you didn't "Neglect" to tell her?"
When Sweetie said nothing, Daring groaned and muttered "I'll write your obituary. As for who will kill you, Sombra or Spitfire I haven't decided yet..." She muttered before hanging up. Lyra peeked her head in wearing a fancy red dress. Sweetie's eyes roamed before she restrained herself and went back into business mode. No time for looks. Now it was time to go into action.
"You alright? Heard somepony yelling. What was it about anyway?"
"My impending doom..." Sweetie groaned. "I'm betting it's going to be Spitfire." She muttered while Lyra looked confused and said "I don't get it."
Inside, it was indeed a menagerie of villains like the information they'd been given said. The worst of the worst. To give you some examples, there were the Terrible Trio, the Mane-iac, Discord, the Changeling Armada, a stallion with a bowler hat alongside one with metal teeth and even a odd creature that looked like a jackal with eyes far too small for it and a ring on it's tail. Sweetie gulped while Lyra looked excited at the prospect of some many villains. But oddly enough, one wasn't there. Namely, Sombra himself.
"Okay, where is he?" Sweetie murmured. Lyra shrugged as she chowed down on a cheese platter she carried on a tray. In the background, Octavia played music alongside her group with a nice slow song that made you want to dance to it with somepony close to you as the tune.
"Who cares? But I do know one thing, these little nibbles are great!"
Sweetie took the platter away from her. Unlike her marefriend, she wore a tux. Because spies always wore tuxes to parties like this. It was a golden rule in the spy handbook, in fact the MOST golden rule.
"Those aren't for you, they're for the guests! Besides, aren't you trying to watch your figure?" Sweetie asked and Lyra blushed as red as her dress and muttered "Sorry. But they were soooo good!"
Sweetie facehoofed. As they walked, the various vile villains glared at them. One got too close to Lyra and tried to flirt, but out came the handbag.
WHAP!
Discord was soon nursing a headwound with a ice pack.
"Sorry, I'm taken." Lyra growled and put a arm around her marefriend before kissing her square on the lips. Sweetie raised a eyebrow.
"The Almighty Princess of Handbags" strikes again..." She snorted with amusement clear in her features.
"Please don't bring that up again... Thought I heard the last of it." Lyra muttered in disdain before spying someone in the crowd. Someone wearing a nice Prench Suit with a dark mane and grey fur. Sweetie spotted him too and her eyes widened. It was him. Sombra Ironhoof, and he was coming closer by the minute. As he strode towards them, Lyra tried to hide her nervousness. He reached for Sweetie and Lyra swallowed. Thankfully though, all he did was grabbed the cheese off the serving plate.
"Mmm, good. You really should get more though." He said, before trotting off. Lyra turned and grinned to her nervous partner.
"See, told you."
Soon, Sombra brought out a podium and cleared his throat as the guests watched him.
"Well, dear dear friends. So nice to see you all again at our annual reunion for L.O.V.E M.U.F.F.I.N." He said, and somewhere in the crowd a stallion with a lab coat and a hunched appearance yelled "I own full rights to the name! Just for the record!" and Sombra groaned. Who invited him anyway?
"Also, I see a few new faces here. Props to the recruitment drive ponies, eh?" Sombra laughed, but nopony else did. They quickly corrected themselves with a glare from Sombra. "Anyways, greetings over. Now for the fun. And by fun I mean unveiling our sinister plot! Laugh with me now!" He asked, and everyone did as lightning flashed in the background. Sweetie raised a eyebrow. Last she checked, there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
"How does he do it?" Lyra asked to Chrysalis, who could only shrug. Sombra continued.
"And now, presenting my-I mean our evil plot..." Sombra corrected himself as everyone pulled out weapons out of nowhere. "We're going to vandalize the Statue of Liberty in Manehatten, with a giant laser!"
Sombra pulled out a device and pressed a button on it as a observatory opened up to reveal not a telescope, but a laser. Sweetie and Lyra shared a look.
"Now?" Lyra asked, and her marefriend nodded in return.
"Yes, now."
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Agents of S.W.O.R.D (Or at least, one and a replacement...)
Being a vandal? So old fashioned. (Or this plot sucks!)
Sweetie's voice rang out through the crowd, attracting just about everypony's attention and making them look their way. Lyra suddenly felt very, very uncomfortable and began trying to make herself as small as possible. It wasn't working very well.
"Game's over, Ironhoof! You and your... Group, they're going down." She said, unable to keep the amusement out of her voice as she remember it's name.
"Might I say, nopony's going to take you seriously with a name like THAT. I'm sure as heck not." She laughed, even though inside she knew taunting a room full of supervillains was rather stupid despite the name they'd chosen for themselves. She wasn't the only one laughing though. Sombra was as well, but for a different reason.
"And who are you to critique me on group names? You're just a waiter! One who serves good cheese, but still just a waiter!" He laughed while Lyra grumbled "I was supposed to serve that cheese."
"No, I'm not just a waiter." Sweetie said, before putting on her hat and shades. "I'm Sweetie Drops the waiter!" She said dramatically. Lyra swooned.
There was a loud gasp from the crowd and somepony fainted even as the hunchbacked stallion with a lab coat muttered "This all seems very familiar somehow. I have that deja vu feeling. Dunno why."
Sombra, rather predictably by this point laughed his head off.
"Oh, dinner and a show! I really must give credit to the ponies who put this thing together! Oh wait, that's me. I knew you'd find us Drops. But I must say I did expect Agent Do to come with you. Not this... rookie." He continued, in derision.
Lyra took great offence to that.
"HEY! I'm not rookie! I can deal with you buster! Want to test me!?! I have a handbag, and I'm not afraid to use it!" She yelled in fury as Sweetie held her back. Nearby, Discord yelled "It's true, and it hurts!"
"You're pathetic Discord, and don't think I don't know about your plans to reform thanks to that pegasi in S.W.O.R.D's HR department." Sombra rumbled, and everyone one by one turned to look at the mixmatched creature of chaos who could only sputter "H-how'd you know about that?"
"I have spies... Oh, what's that word the kids use today? Oh right, DUH!" Sombra said sarcastically.
A few minutes later...
"This is so demeaning." Discord muttered as he, Lyra and Sweetie hung above a pit of lava in the middle of the room. They'd been bound with magic suppressing ropes so Discord could not use his chaos magic. Sweetie could only nod in agreement. "Tell me about it, I'm trapped with somepony who looks like a maniac's idea of a stuffed toy."
Discord looked annoyed at that.
"Great, I'm going to be broiled to death and the last thing I know is someone thinks I look like a plushie! Well, suppose Flutters would love to know that somepony compared me to one. She does love her stuffed toys." He muttered.
"So you're that pen pal of hers huh? I did always wonder." Sweetie replied in a change of subject as Lyra looked at her marefriend in shock.
"Is this really the time for that, small talk? Shouldn't we be saying our last goodbyes or something like that?" She stammered and Sweetie looked at her seriously as Sombra cackled.
"You know, she's right!"
All three of them told him to "SHUT UP!" in unison before Sweetie continued.
"We don't need to, as you know what I was doing?" She asked.
"No, what?" Lyra questioned.
"Freeing us." Sweetie said, as the chains gave way and everypony reacted fast enough to jump or teleport away before they fell into the steaming hot lava. Sombra seethed to himself. He'd been told time and time again that lava pits never worked. But he'd also been told those chains should have been fool proof. If he lived through this or wasn't arrested, he was so getting a refund. Oh well, there was always plan B. He always had plan B to deal with unwanted guests. He put his hoof into his mouth and whistled.
"Oh Cerby, come to papa!" He yelled, and a giant robotic three headed dog bounded into the room crashing through the drinks table and sending the punch bowl flying onto Chrysalis's head. She growled in disgust. She didn't even like punch!
"So now what, super secret agent slash genius?" Discord asked sarcastically.
"Lyra, use the gun." Sweetie said seriously.
"W-what gun?" Lyra asked in confusion.
"The one I gave you." Sweetie replied, facehoofing. Lyra's face then showed recognition.
"Ooooohhh, that gun." She said, pulling out the tiny pistol before shrugging and firing it at the robot dog in front of her. Take a guess what happened.
KABOOM!!!
"Oh, so that's what it does." Lyra said flatly in shock as wires and gears long with metal parts rained down everywhere.
Sombra growled.
"If you want something done right... You don't do it yourself! Get 'em boys!" Sombra yelled as he ran for it and the villains advanced.
However, Discord was ready and by snapping his paw soon various villains were in various hilarious and humiliating positions. Chrysalis and the metal jawed stallion were imitating "American Gothic" complete with pitchfork and house and the hunchback stallion was sent flying off screaming "Curse you Discord!" just to name some examples.
"You were saying?" Sweetie deadpanned while Lyra yawned and Discord laughed his head off before wiping a tear from his eye and saying "My best work yet!" And Sombra...? He just growled again.
"Oh, that's it.." He muttered before running off through a side door towards the observatory. Our heroes followed with Lyra complaining "Oh, I so can't run in these heels!" as she did so. Soon they were inside the observatory with Sombra about to pull the lever that would fire the laser.
"It's over! You can't stop me now!"
Sweetie looked bored and faked a yawn.
"Why would we want to? I mean, it's not like it's anything we've seen before." She said as she eyed Discord sneaking up behind Sombra so she keep his attention. Lyra soon caught on and joined in.
"Yeah, defacing a nation landmark? So old fashioned. Get some new ideas huh?" She taunted. "I dare say you're not even a proper supervillain. What'd that statue do to offend you anyway? Cast a shadow on your ego or something?" She continued, and that really did it and set off Sombra.
"I DO NOT HAVE A EGO! AND FOR THE RECORD, I DO THIS BECAUSE I CAN!" He raged, looking a awful lot like a child throwing a tantrum just because he couldn't have his way.
While all this happened, he failed to see Discord press the big red button marked "Self Destruct." Every evil device had one of these as stated by "Supervillain 101 for idiots." written by the Mane-Iac a few years before. Anyways, the resulting explosion sent everypony present flying into a lake where they were picked up by Captain Spitfire on a boat. She was not happy, as she'd been in the middle of a (Ahem) "Engagement" with Soaring. He used to be a spy.
"You have any sense of privacy?" She asked, annoyed. "What happened anyway, and why is your marefriend and Discord here?
"Er..." Sweetie begun. "Well, it's a long story..."
END
