Daring Do and the War of Worlds

0-01: Idle Hooves Are The Devil's Work

Our daring heroine leaped across massive, collapsing pieces of debris with swiftness and grace, flipping and turning and doing all kinds of crazy-

"Wait......I can fly. Shit." I tore off the unfinished page from my typewriter, sighing and tossing it into the trash. I've been trying to write this book for weeks now, and it's just not coming together. Usually my writing is based on real adventures I went on, but Equestria is peaceful now thanks to Twilight Sparkle and her squad of edgelords. Simply put, here's no more adventures for me because Princess Main Character and her magic bullshit is taking care of everything before I as much as smell it. I mean, I should be happy about that but I'm really not. In a boring and monotonously peaceful time where all your problems are solved before they even exist, Equestria needs my exciting adventure stories more than anything, but I can't write them without some realistic experiences. After all, all fiction are based on reality one way or another.

So for the next 30 minutes I sat there, rethinking what I should do for a living and contemplating a possible assassination, then I realized that I'm out of badger poison after I ate the last of it before my weekly jungle streaking session (for the sake of fitness), and headed for the shopping center.

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Baltimare Plaza, the best worst place in Equestria. Creatures of all types gather here for fun, profit, or just out of necessity like me right now. From ponies to griffons, and dragons to yaks, on a busy day, this place almost hurts to look at from all the intermingled colors. So there I was at Rosie Posey's Plague Emporium buying a pound of their strongest badger poison, when out of nowhere the whole fucking store just exploded. I was launched across the plaza by the shockwave, giving me the opportunity to do a few aerial flips before my body smashed into the cold concrete, which immediately became warm with my blood and other bodily fluids. There goes another 2000 bits in hospital bills. Due to my constant encounters with cursed artifacts and badger poison, my nervous system had been pretty much completely numbed so I didn't even feel a thing when my bones got so broken my head literally went up my ass. So I laid there, chilling and waiting for either the sweet release of death or for somepony to notice and help, when a giant-ass talon or something grabbed me and untied my mangled body.

"Hey, I know you......you're that adventure mare they have in books or some shit." Whatever dark nightmarish monster that just attacked a pest poison store for whatever the fuck reason (I couldn't see clearly with all the blood in my eyes) spoke to me in a deep, growling voice, like if the Batmare smoked 10,000 cigarette and then drank a gallon of drain cleaner.

"Yup. That's me. Daring Do, Adventuring Extraordinaire." I said, but it sounded more like a malfunctioning toilet that flushed for the first time in 2 centuries because of all the blood pouring out of my mouth.

"Wow, you really are her! Nice to meet you." Then, the monster, after recognizing me and saying it's a good thing we met, actually had the audacity to throw me all the way across the street and into the glass window of a flower store, breaking said window, the store owner's neck, and my heart. There's nothing worse to a famous writer than getting recognition from fans and then immediately being told that nobody actually gives a shit. By this point I really should be dead, out of sadness and dissatisfaction if anything, but I wasn't. With all the willpower I could muster, I began dragging myself back across the street with my last functional limb, swearing revenge upon the blurry shadow monster and all that it stands for. Of course, the same shadow monster, being the total dickweed that he is, slammed a chunk of cement right dab on the top of my head just as I got close enough for a final attack.