Light in the Darkness

~ II ~

I didn’t see Caramel again for a whole week.  Which didn’t matter to me initially, as I didn’t quite expect to do so.  But for some reason, the aptly-colored pony stayed in my mind for quite a while after our encounter despite not seeing him again.  There was something slightly different about him compared to the others, and the source of this seemed to be quite simple to find.

For starters, Caramel had been rather calm and sedate around me instead of bounding into my face.  He had spoken to me in small doses and didn’t immediately try to get into the personal aspects of my life.  I based this all on his recognition of the duloxetine; his knowledge of the anti-depressant, his giving advice with it, and his probable knowledge of my condition led him to be a little different, a little more careful in handling me than others.

That, and I did end up peeing a little more often.  And I had a dry mouth.

I did not go back to the coffee shop for a week.  While it was nice, I had enough to eat at home that I didn’t need to go to the shop every day.

Calm Mind called me once to check on my progress.

“Good evening.  How are you feeling?  How’s the anti-depressant working?”

“Okay, I guess.  I don’t feel completely better, just like I feel a little less apathetic sometimes.”

“That’s how it’ll work.  Just try to maintain a positive aspect.  Have you done anything else I recommended to you?”

“Oh, like buying the toy or joining an exercise class?  No, not really.”

“If you’re looking for suggestions, I’d recommend a yoga class being run by a pony named Tree Hugger.  She teaches beginner and advanced classes, and that will be good for your exercise and for relieving anxiety.  And what about making friends?”

“Well... not really.”

“I would seriously recommend that.  It’s good you’re taking the anti-depressants, but it won’t be enough.  You need to put in the time and effort into making sure you’re cured.”

“Just... do I really have to?”

“I’m not telling you just because ponies are naturally friendly.  It’s good to have a support network to help you get through these things.  And because they’re naturally friendly, it should be easy to find help and support.”

“Okay.  ...do you know anyone I could talk to, maybe?”

“You could try Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“...the princess?  Seriously?”

“If nothing else, she used to be a librarian and has a large amount of books on almost any subject.  Maybe you could find some on your condition or psychology books on how to make friends, if you wanted.  And she won’t be so in-your-face.”

“But she’s a princess.  She’d really talk to me, like, person-to-person?”

“She is the ‘Princess of Friendship’ for a reason.”  For once, Calm Mind’s voice turned to exasperation mixed with pleading instead of his kind, calm, measured tone.  “Just try for me, please.  You came to me for advice, and that is the best I can give you.”

I did not go to Twilight Sparkle.

I did go by a certain dance studio one evening after work and note that a yoga class was to start taking place on Saturday mid-morning.  The attendant at the front of the studio left and returned with a green earth pony mare with red dreadlocks that I was quite sure was high, tired-looking eyes looking slowly over me, and proclaimed that this was the yoga instructor.

“You want to take the yoga class?” the green mare asked, her voice very laid-back and distant.

“Um... yes.  I was wondering how often it meets and how much it charges.”

“Oh, I don’t exactly take care of that.  You’ll want to ask the studio manager.”

“...isn’t it dependent on when you want to teach?”

“Doesn’t matter to me when I do.  I just know the poses and try to teach them to others.  It really, like, helps with calming your aura.”

“Right...”  I turned to the attendant.  “Do you have any idea what the times are?”

“Oh, wait.”  The green pony spoke up again.  “I’ll be teaching a... beginner’s class Saturdays at 7:00mn and an advanced class at 3:00an.  Sorry, I kind of, like, space out at times.  It allows my aura to flow more freely.”

Equestrian time is divided slightly differently than on earth.  As opposed to 12-hour timeframes, Equestrians use 8-hour time-frames.  The morning mn cycle goes from approximately 4am to 12pm, the afternoon an cycle goes from 12pm to 8pm, and the night nt cycle goes from 8pm to 4am.  Thus ‘7:00mn’ stands for the seventh hour of the morning (mn) cycle, or approximately 11am our time.   “Right... do you remember what the pay is?”

“Ten bits per session.  You pay when you arrive each day individually.  I don’t like charging for a whole class at once.”

“Okay.  When does it start?”

“Next weekend.  I finish modeling for a figure drawing class next weekend.”

“Okay.  So, where do I sign up?”

“I’ve got a list in the room they’ve given me for an office.  Come here.”

I followed the green pony, apparently slightly more sober than she was ten minutes ago when I first walked in, over to the small office room.  She pulled a chart off the wall and gave it to me and a pencil to sign with.  I found the first available slot and signed in on the beginner class at 7:00 mn, along with apparently fourteen others, and handed it back to the green pony.  She looked it over until it seemed she approved of it, and set it back on a desk.

“James Thompson, huh?  Never had a human before.  Body structure might be more suitable to the types of poses we do.  Oh, and my name’s Tree Hugger.  Look for the name tag outside the room the day of the class.”

“Okay.  Thank you, Tree Hugger.”

And I walked out of the studio and headed off home.  Tree Hugger seemed a little out there and weird, but honestly her laid-back demeanor made her a little easier to get along with compared to some of the others.  And she seemed kind, and focused enough once she actually straightened out.  I decided the yoga class might not be too bad.

But I didn’t go out anywhere else and didn’t try to make any more friends.

Key word being “try”, because I feel I inadvertently made one.

I began to attend the coffee shop on a more regular basis.  I became well known to the barista pony, who called himself “Café Latte”.  No, he wasn’t the friend, but I ordered things on a regular basis and went frequently enough that he began to recognize what I would order.  It was almost always the same thing: caramel latte, either the waffle bites or a ham and egg sandwich, and a fruit cup.  By about a week since the first time I met Caramel, he could pretty much ask me which one I wanted, and have it ready for me in two minutes.

He didn’t talk much either, which I appreciated.  One particular morning I surprised myself by asking him why he wasn’t so eager to make friends with others even though the coffee shop didn’t attract too many customers and thus he could talk if he wanted to.

“Never been my thing,” he responded.  “I’ve got my close circle and that’s alright with me.”

“Do you ever talk to those outside?”

“Oh, sure.  It’s not that I won’t turn down the opportunity to make a new friend, but people aren’t usually in here for that.  They’re here for a cup of coffee and a quick bite.  If they want to talk I’m always available, but I leave it up to them.”

“Huh... bit unusual by this town’s standards.”

“Yeah, a bit.  Is there anything else I can get you?” he added with a polite smile.

“No.  I think I’m good.  I just need to eat and take my pills. “

“Alright.  Call me over if you do, though.”  And we went to go clean off a few cups.

I sat alone for a short while.  I went over and grabbed a free newspaper – “Foal Free Press” is decent despite the fact that it’s apparently run mostly by the local school kids – and read it while I sipped my coffee and ate my sandwich and fruit cup.

“Oh, hey, it’s you.”

I looked up to see Caramel approaching.  “You’re... James, right?”

I nodded.  “You’re Caramel, right?”

“Yep.”  He took a seat next to me and waved Café Latte over.  Caramel took his own order before falling silent for a moment.  He sighed.  “How... how are you?”

I did not anticipate a terribly long conversation, so I kept the newspaper up.  “Good.”  I turned to face him.  His blue eyes were looking at me curiously, and his mane stuck up in places like he’d recently got out of bed.  “Uh... h-how about you?”

“Good.  Hey, uh, just a question, I was wondering what job you have.”

I shrugged.  “I’m an accountant of sorts.  I manage deposits and withdrawals from the bank.”

“Oh.”  He fell silent for a while, seeming to ponder things.  “You must be a little more educated than others that come here.”

“Oh.  Why do you say that?”

“Well, I guess from what I’ve seen of the other humans.  They all don’t go in to such positions like that.  Like, one got hired at the music store, another’s a baker, and another helps on the farm I work at.”

“Oh.  I suppose that’s cool.  Um, what do you do?”

“I buck apples and help haul baskets around at Sweet Apple Acres.  Not much, but it is decent work for decent pay.”

I set my newspaper down.  I could carry it with me to the bank and read it at lunch.  “Do you have any edu— I mean, did you ever get a degree?”

“I used to go to a community college in Canterlot.  I just got a math and science degree, mainly in Biology.  Kinda helps when you’re an earth pony to know about soil, agriculture, and stuff like that.”

I nod and go back to my breakfast.  So does he for a while.

“So... how are the duloxetine working for you?”

I shrug.  “Mouth’s a little dry.  Peeing returned to normal.  And my sleep is a little lighter than normal.”

“But it is working, right?”

“Mostly.  I don’t really know how it works, so I can’t tell if it’s working.”

“Trust me.  I know it seems like it isn’t, but you’ll feel better on it compared to off it.”

“Thanks, I guess.  Not sure what that’s supposed to mean.”

“Eh he he he... I’ve been told I should be a little clearer sometimes.  I mean it really does help even if it doesn’t seem like it at first.”

“I suppose.”

We both went back to our respective breakfasts.  I read a full article in the Foal Free Press talking about a new piece of legislation put in place by Princess Celestia about a new tax exemption.

“Hey,” Caramel spoke up while I’m reading.  “Do you... exercise much?”

“Not really.  I... I signed up for a yoga class, but only because my psychologist recommended it.”

“Oh.  I took one once.  But I’m really clumsy and can’t do it well.”

“I’ve never been good at it either.  Never really considered doing it again until the Calm Mind said to do it.”

“Oh, you have Calm Mind as your psychologist, too?  Did you know he knows hypnotherapy, too?”

“Uh... I think he’s the only major one in town.  And what’s that?”

“He can put you into trance and make you relax, de-stress, or feel better.”

“...well why doesn’t he just do that in the first place?”

“It doesn’t work on everyone.  I don’t think it worked on me, but maybe you can get him to do it sometime and see if it works for you.”

“Huh.”

“Hey, James?”

“...yeah?”

“Just to change the topic, you ever read the Daring Do series?”

“Yeah.  I own three.  They’re not bad.  I have ‘Eternal Flower’, ‘Marked Thief of Marapore’, and ‘Forbidden City of Clouds’.  They’re short, but interesting.”

“Which is your favorite?  I personally like ‘Marked Thief of Marapore’ the best.”

“Yeah, I like that one, too.  It reminds me of a movie I watched back at home.  Something like ‘Temple of Doom’.”

“What’s it about?”

“It’s like Daring Do.  An archaeologist keeps going after artifacts but finds himself going up against enemies trying to use it for themselves.”

“Do you have a copy with you?  I’d be interested in seeing it if it’s similar to Daring Do.”

“It’s rated a little high, I think.  Your ‘Teen’ rating is similar to our ‘PG’ rating, and your ‘Adult’ is similar to our ‘PG-13’ rating.  So... depends on your preference.”

“I can handle it.  My older brother used to scare me with horror movies; I can’t stand those, but something like that should be fine.”

“Cool.  I guess I should see if I can have it sent here.  I have it; I just didn’t bring it with me.”

“Nice.  Oh, and if you want, I could let you borrow the first one.  ‘Sapphire Statue’.”

There was something to that phrase that struck me as the moment I found myself liking Caramel.  I don’t know what it was.  It almost felt like we’d gone through a sort of rite of passage in knowing each other.  First came the depression and duloxetine as an ice-breaker.  Then we learned each other’s names and jobs, then searched around and finally found the common ground.  We had something we could talk about.

“Thanks.  But... we barely know each other.”

Resistance is natural in those with social anxiety; or at least it seems natural to me.  I don’t know him, I really don’t.  And so because of that I’m nervous about what he might say or do.  Maybe he’ll turn out to be one of those people (or ponies, I don’t give a damn about terminology) who says one thing but does something different, or put a whole bunch of extra details on it later.  I was hesitant to trust him with that so quickly in case he was easy to provoke to anger.

“It doesn’t matter.  I’ve read it a bunch of times.  Consider it a gift; you can have it and read it as much as you want, and I’ll just ask you about it later if I want to read it again.”

“I guess, but only if you’re sure about it.”

“Really, I’m sure.  It’s nice to meet another Daring Do fan.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

I said goodbye to Caramel and left the coffee shop for work not much longer later.  But as I did, I found myself feeling a little lighter somehow.  People always use the same metaphor of feeling like something’s been lifted off their back, and let me tell you it’s the easiest way to describe it.  I felt better, freer, and somehow I even felt happier.

I went by a toy store on the way home.  I bought a pink unicorn with a purple mane and blue eyes just because I thought it was cute.  Kind of tripped me out, though, until I realized it was a popular character on one of their TV shows and not just some stuffed animal.  So I bought a grey wolf, too, just so I didn’t feel so weird about it.

But it felt good.

And then I kind of realized something.

I was lonely.  I bought the unicorn because it looked like the ponies.  I felt lighter because I had found common ground with Caramel, who respected my boundaries and was nice and friendly without being exuberant.

I might have actually found a friend.