Chapter 1: The First Essay
Manehattan, a city of destitution and ill repute. An unholy cesspool of wanton debauchery and poverty. Celestia may be the highest power in Equestria, but there is a higher power still that watches over ponykind. Our conduct is ultimately judged by an authority that supersedes all magic and mandate. This city is rancid and overrun by a famine. The cause being not of needs or sustenance, scarcity or shortened crops, but of wants and desires. Where ponies engage in senseless perversion, an unprecedented cruelty is fathered by the whoresome populous. A city that hungers for righteousness is fed by their own pleasures instead. A loveless affair that will bring about the ruin of all Equestria. The hoof of justice, swift and great, will pierce the full and bountiful gullet of the sinful and wretched. No law or legislation can curb the appetite of the guilty. No army can quell the uprising of the comeuppance brought about by their own iniquities. No magic or mysticism can conjure away the entrenched efforts of these ponies of the flesh. No, if there is to be an awakening, it must be from within. It must be from one of our own. The hearts and minds of the pure must be called to lead. The hooves of the placated and undecided must be lifted by the spirit of change in their souls. And the eyes of the offenders must be made to see the light or brought to the sword. For they shall either rejoice in the mercy of the light or burn in its holy fire.
All of the sorrow of stallion and marekind finds its origin in the unclean matrimony of mare desire. Not strictly marehood itself, but rather the delight from tasting the forbidden fruit before its time. Fornication leads to jealousy. Jealousy spawns animosity. From animosity, hatred and mistrust are begat as brothers in ruin to which all are led on this path. Consider the foal, born not out of love by a mother and father, but rather thrust upon the world at the end of this forsaken road. A journey that begins with the very fornication of the unwitting youth’s conception. A life begat in misery is not often to end in salvation. Misery is abundant yet the root cause of this disease is neither addressed nor feared. In contrast, the lifestyle of the flesh is celebrated more than ever as the unseen public is lashed into submission under this city's own instrument of destruction, adultery.
Taking matters upon myself, I claimed my first victory in what is sure to be a war of attrition against an unfathomable enemy. The very ponies I wish to show salvation, are the very threat to that eternal life itself. I may never live to see glory, but I will unhesitantly offer my services the the cause of justice until all ponykind is baptized in water or blood alike. Amen.
As I observed the lifeless body of the fallen, I felt neither joy nor regret. Only a contented fulfillment that duty and honor was satisfied. Such as the blind hoof of justice should be, without emotion or sentiment. Justice is to be executed with prejudice but must remain empty of bias. The whore quivered her last semblance of life. Blood streamed from her throat, a dripping laceration hardly a few seconds old. In death, her redemption was secured. Without ever seeing the seeds of her misdeeds or her executioner, her miserable existence ended in this unlit alleyway away from the sight of preying eyes. She could now rest in the light for eternity; Laying on the brick and stone of the cold street as a caution to all Equestria. Nopony is safe from the light.
****
My dear inspector,
It has come to my knowledge that your recent promotion has brought my attention to your new desk. I both congratulate and console you for your fate. While prestige will most certainly follow your title of Detective Inspector, I fear the shame and frustration of my elusive hunt will haunt you for the remainder of your career. I fault you not for your efforts. You are the essential arm of the law that is paramount to the existence of peace and order in Equestria. While I do not expect you to relent in your search for my whereabouts, I pray that in your heart and soul, you will come to appreciate the necessity of my odyssey. For I am the opposing arm of the law. I alone can reach into the depths and crevices that you cannot. My work is equally essential to your own. Though you may never publicly admit it, I am your colleague and bosom friend. I clear the way for your image to remain intact and clean. I breach the lines of an enemy that law and order are not permitted to even speak of. Together we will make this city great again. Think of us as partners in constructing a city on a hill for all of Equestria to see. Be sure to smile for the camera, inspector. I’ll let you take the credit. I will take the riffraff.
Respectfully yours,
Albert DeStallion
****
I can’t stand parties. Doesn’t matter what’s being celebrated; ponies you never talk to line up to wish you happy birthday or congratulate you. In my experience, there are only two reasons somepony who is normally indifferent to you will suddenly show you the time of day: they want something from you or you’re having a party. And way too often, it happens to be both.
“Congratulations, Lieutenant… or should I say, Detective Inspector?” The Auburn colored stallion gingerly shook my hoof while trying keep his composure. I could feel the sweat from his hoof on mine and noticed his ever darting eyes that couldn't decide if they should look directly at me or not.
“Thanks, kid.” I was never very good at feigning interest. He chuckled and nodded his head vigorously. It was enough to make me cringe. His name was Ichabod Hyde. He worked as a clerk here at the precinct sorting files and tagging evidence. He had no officer training so he was unranked. He spent most of his time quietly tending to his duties. But if you caught him on a good day, he could talk your ear off about any nonsense that happen to come to his mind. He was harmless enough as long as you weren’t in a hurry. After we finally broke our handshake, he continued to smile awkwardly while rubbing the back of his head. I sighed and rolled my eyes.
“What’s on your mind, son?” I peered away from him to scope out the rest of the room. Maybe somepony could distract him for me or give me an excuse to walk somewhere else. The other officers in the room were otherwise engaged in conversation, enjoying their cake and sugary drinks. Even the chief seemed to be having a good time. She was laughing her mane off so hard about something with the district attorney that her stupid party hat almost fell off. Everypony was wearing a stupid party hat, save me. I would rather turn in my badge than look like such a fool. Ichabod pulled me back to our little scene when he spoke up.
“Well, you know, inspector… now that you have a promotion and a new office and so many important responsibilities… I was thinking, you know…” He gritted his teeth. I suspect his molars must be worn down significantly from how much this kid worries.
“I make it my business to know things, son. But I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re getting at.” I took a sip from my cup of black coffee. No sugary sweet mess for me. His hopeful expression collapsed.
“Well um, what I mean is, with all that new responsibility on your plate, you might need some help with your regular office affairs.” He gulped a large portion of his drink down. There was a strict no alcohol policy in the office but you would swear he was chugging down some liquid courage.
“I see…” I raised my eyebrow. Like I said, everypony needs something from you.
“So… if you, you know, need a personal assistant or something… not that you have to have one or can’t do things yourself, but if it might make things easier for you…”
I placed my hoof on his shoulder and he stopped talking.
“Look, I’m sure you could organize my files way better than I could, but I doubt there’s enough money in the budget to justify a PA for a new detective. Why don’t you apply for the Chief’s PA position? I heard she’s looking for one.”
He nodded again, much slower this time.
“I did apply for that one, but I doubt she… well…”
“You don’t think you’ll get it.”
His head perked up suddenly and looked at me with a fiery passion I never thought he was capable of.
“It’s not that I’m not good enough. I’m just covering all of my options here.”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“Fair enough, kid. Good luck to you on getting the job.”
I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the chief was walking over to me.
“Oh right. Um thanks…” Ichabod's shoulders slumped. He looked so upset, you’d think I’d just told him he was fired him or something.
“Tell you what. I’ll mention something to the chief about you being a PA and see what she says. But I can’t promise anything.”
The kid lit up like a Hearth's Warming Eve tree.
“Thank you, thank you very much, inspector.” He vigorously grabbed and shook my hoof.
“Don’t mention it.”
I turned to meet the Chiefs gaze dead in the eye.
“Detective, I hate to be a bother during your party, but we need to speak in my office for a moment.”
“Not at all, Chief.” I began to walk toward her office, but something made me stop and angle myself to look back at Ichabod.
“Hey kid, one more thing. A little ambition goes a long way. Don’t forget that.”
He nodded his head firmly. Once the chief and I were in her office, she wasted no time closing the door behind us. She leaned up against her desk fairly casually but gave me a stern look with her forehead wrinkled into a bunch. Whatever she was on her mind, it must have been weighing on her terribly.
“What are your plans for the evening?” She blurted out frankly.
“To be honest, I was just about bail from this place and get some sleep. Work’s been killing me lately and I’m expecting a mountain of cases in the morning.”
She reached on her desk and handed me a case file. Well, not so much handed as slapped into my face.
“The mountain's already here.”
I open the folder and perused the gruesome crime scene photos. Some poor mare was tossed on the floor of an alley with her throat slit. Nothing I hadn’t seen before.
“Why are we looking at this now? Who is this, the governor's daughter?” I began glancing the autopsy report.
“Hardly. She was a 17th and Mane street whore. A standard red light district case.”
“Cut on the throat is fairly clean and even. The killer was skilled with a blade. I take it their transaction went south and he killed her to shut her up and rob her blind?” The autopsy reported the death occurred at approximately 3:30 in the morning.
“Believe it or not, her purse was full.”
I raised my eyebrow.
“Okay, that is interesting. Some type of turf war or bad blood maybe? Even still, it’s unlikely the thugs wouldn’t have taken the opportunity to collect her earnings. Even if it wasn’t the motive.”
The chief nodded in agreement.
“That’s not all, there was a fine silk laced handkerchief left by the body with the initials ‘ASD’ written in scarlet. Looks to be hoof made.”
“Very fancy. Sounds like she had some high class clientele. Could it be a political cover up? Maybe one of our fine public servants didn’t want a call girl spilling the beans that she was seeing them.”
“Not a bad theory.” The chief smiled sideways at me. There was something else she wasn’t telling. Strange, since she normally isn’t one to be so coy.
“How soon can you get to work on this?” She crossed her hooves and tilted her head.
“Tomorrow, first thing. If I don’t get some sleep, I’m gonna crash here in the office.” I could feel my eyes drooping already. I had been awake since the previous day, trying to get as much of my old case work out of the way before this new promotion consumed my every waking hour. Not that I minded much. Work was far more satisfying than my home life anyway. I went to grab the handle to the Chief’s office door when she added,
“Oh by the way. This is the third identical murder like this in the last 6 weeks.”
I turned around sharply to face her.
“Identical? Whore, alleyway, clean throat cut, full purse, handkerchief?” I walked back over to where she was still leaning against the desk, her smug face having never changed.
“Identical.” She repeated.
I drew in a deep breath and let it out rather noisily.
“I’m gonna need more coffee. Let's pull out every case file. Get the chalk board and magnets. I want to dissect every facet of these cases and see what lines up, what’s different. I wanna know every detail no matter how minute and unimportant it may seem.” I paced around the room, flipping through the papers in the file like a madman.
“I knew I picked the right colt for the job.” She sauntered over to her filing cabinet.
“Speaking of the right colt, I’ve been thinking, Chief.”
She gathered two more files and laid them out on the desk.
“What’s that, detective?”
I tapped my hoof on her desk and mimicked her casual stance.
“I think may need a personal assistant for this job.”
****
It is said to live with a pony for 40 years, share their home, break bread with them, discourse on every subject and philosophy. Then bind their limbs and hold them helplessly over the volcano's edge. On that day, you will finally meet the pony. As I hold my enemies to the fire, I see them for their true selves. A whore, a street urchin, a mare of the night clads herself in lies and woos the will of stallions to their bed chambers. Her sweet voice dripping with honey and venom drags the unwitting one to the demise of their own soul. The fulfillment of the moment leaves an empty husk that can never be complete as long as she tears him apart from within. As the arbiter of justice, it is only me, the divine chosen, who can intervene. I hunt the vermin with a unyielding vigor. At first she fears, she runs from her executioner. But the terror belies her true demeanor. When the facade is ripped away, her pleas become curses. She writhes in my arms like a wild-ling. Desperate for revenge on her attacker. It is when the truth of this ugly two headed beast of marehood is revealed that I bring the blade to her crest and silence her forever. In peace, her silence and stillness will allow her body to be cleansed by her own blood. And I pray et lux perpetua luceat eis. Dona eis requiem. Requiem aeternam.
****
“Ow! Coco that hurts.”
I winced and grabbed the sore spot on my scalp.
“Well maybe if you would sit still I could comb it easier.”
I snickered a little as I kept rubbing the spot.
“I can comb my own hair you know.”
She held the brush in front of my face and waived it like a mother lecturing her child.
“Apparently not. You have all of these knots and you can’t even get it to lay down right.”
She went back to brushing, a little gentler this time while giving me a peck on the cheek as well.
“Is that better?” Her voice was so gentle and soothing. It was one of my favorite things about her.
“I like it when it sticks up.” I closed my eyes, hoping she wouldn’t have pull tightly against a knot again. Maybe I should change conditioners.
“Well I like it when your mane looks neat. It’s much more professional that way.” She leaned closer to me and her perfume invaded my senses. Her collar and red sash tickled my chin. I couldn’t help myself. I grabbed her rump with my hooves and drew her body next to mine. She let out a squeak of surprise as we fell together to the floor.
“Ichabod!” Her cheeks flushed scarlet as I caressed her face with my hoof. Her soft lips smiled at me, recognizing my mischievous behavior. I kissed her with a passion so fierce, she moaned lightly over the smacking of our lips. As I broke our contact, I finally defended my sudden actions.
“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. You just looked so cute.”
She scoffed and rolled her eyes. Her actions dismissive, but her smile still warm and welcoming.
“We’re on a schedule you know. The taxi will be here any minute.” She was breathing a little heavier. I could feel the warmth of her breath.
“I’m sure a few short, unforgettable moments won’t delay our vacation too much.”
She leaned her muzzle into my cheek.
“You better let me fix your hair however I want.”
“Deal,” I blurted out and went to kiss her again. Just before our lips met, I heard her phone ring.
“Ignore it,” I pleaded.
“That might be Rarity.” She leaped away from me to answer it.
“Damn,” Looked like my vacation would have to wait.
“Hello, Pommel residence…” Her tone was strict but tender.
“Rarity! How are you?” Her face lit up as her pitch rose to a higher register. Now I was worried about missing the taxi. The two of them could go on for hours.
“Aren’t we going to see her this afternoon anyway?”
Coco’s response to my complaint was to stick her tongue out at me. I decided to go do an inventory of our luggage while I waited. I didn’t really mind if she stayed on the phone a while. Although I had yet to meet Rarity I'm person, anypony who helped get Coco away from Suri was a friend in my book. Coco ran down the hall and into the room where I was deciding if I needed more than one stick of deodorant.
“Okay, all done.” She grinned innocently.
“That was fast.” I threw the 2nd stick in my bag and turned around. Never can be too safe when it comes to body odor.
“She just wanted to let me know that since she finished her work sooner than expected, they will meet us at the train station instead of the restaurant.”
My ears twitched a little.
“They?” I repeated apprehensively.
“Yeah, all of Rarity’s Ponyville friends have heard about you and they want to meet you.”
I gulped in my throat and forced a smile.
“Oh, how nice.”
Coco pursed her lips. I knew I wouldn’t be able to fool her.
“Don’t be nervous. They’re all very nice. I’m sure they’ll love you.” She walked up to me and placed her hoof on my cheek. Her touch was warm and gentle.
“I guess so.” I looked down at the floor. She shook her head and ran her hoof through my mane.
“Darling, you’re a wonderful pony. I wish you would be confident enough to let other ponies see what I see in you.”
I took her hoof in mine and kissed it.
“You’re right. I will keep trying to be more assertive.”
She blushed just a little. Whenever Coco is around me, I feel like I can do anything. If only I could be like that at work as well. Speaking of assertive, I wondered if I could still get a little action before the Taxi arrived.
“Speaking of assertive, how did the promotion go?”
So much for that idea.
“Well, um… they haven’t exactly decided yet.” I instinctively rubbed the back of my head. Coco frowned.
“Do you think you’ll get it?”
“Well…” To my infinite relief, the phone rang again.
“I’ll get it.” Coco calmly trotted back to main room of her apartment. Her place was way nicer than mine. I would ask to move in with her but I guess I was still nervous about taking our relationship to the next level.
“Ichabod, it’s for you. He says he’s a detective at the precinct.”
I quickly moved to the main room to meet her.
“Detective? Why is he calling?”
Coco shrugged her shoulders and held the phone out to me. I took it and placed the receiver to my ear.
“This is Ichabod.”
“Ichabod! Good I finally got a hold of you.”
The inspector sounded more excited than I had ever heard him before.
“Listen, I’m sorry to call you at your marefriend’s place right before your Ponyville visit but this is very important.”
I’m pretty sure I heard him tap his desk in the background.
“Wait a minute, how did you get this number? And how did you know Coco was my marefriend? And how did you know I was going to Ponyville?” My voice got higher and more erratic with each question. I hadn’t told anypony at the office about my vacation plans.
“Son, I’m a detective.”
I slapped my forehead.
“It’s your business to know things.”
“You catch on quick. Now the chief and I talked it over and it looks like I will be needing a personal assistant after all. How would you like the job, kid?”
I gasped with excitement. It was everything I had been hoping for. A chance to make myself useful and help out with real police work.
“Uh… yes, yes that sounds great. I… accept wholeheartedly.” Did I really say “wholeheartedly”?
“Great. You start tonight. Get over to the precinct, I need you to clear out all of my files and help me organize these new charts I’ve set up in the last 12 hours or so.”
I heard papers rustling and what sounded like binders being thrown on the floor. I didn’t even want to imagine the state of his office.
“But I can’t, you know I’m about to head over to…”
“Look, kid, you don’t understand the situation here. Now this is on the DL so don’t go blabbing to your marefriend about this, but it looks like we’ve got a serial killer on our hooves.”
My blood turned cold at the mention of a serial killer. I turned away from Coco so that she couldn’t see my reaction.
“Really? That’s awful.” I twirled the phone cord in my hoof.
“Part of the job kid. Ponykind ain’t all sunshine and rainbows you know. Anyway, every second the clock ticks is another second this creep is out there plotting the demise of his next victim.”
“So it’s a him.” I mention in a calculated manner.
“I like your attention to detail, kid. Yes, a him. And he’s an arrogant sum’ bitch at that. He wrote a letter specifically addressed to me. Thinks he’s on a grand crusade or something.”
I stroked my chin.
“Fascinating, awful but fascinating.”
“My thoughts exactly. So do you want the job or not?”
Any hesitation now would seal my fate. But what was I going to say to Coco? She’d been planning this trip for months.
“Yes, I want the job.”
“Perfect, I knew you were a smart kid. Be at the precinct within an hour.”
"I understand, Detective. Thank you for this opportunity."
"Call me Abe."
“Yes, sir.” By the time I said the word “sir” I heard the other line disconnect. My mind was racing with thoughts of the future, my work, the extra money, moving up in the world, doing good for society, and disappointing Coco. What are her friends in Ponyville like? Will I meet them now? What is involved with being a PA to a detective? Will I get to do detective work? How does he like his coffee? How often will I need to pick up his dry cleaning? How much more money? Should I ask Coco if we could live together?
I shook my head with my hooves like I was trying to wring out the excess thoughts. I turned to Coco, not even sure how to express what I was feeling. She looked at me with such joy. Her eyes glistened and her hooves held together at her mouth. Surely she had guessed the nature of the conversation.
“Is it really what I think it is?” She clapped her hooves a few times in humble applause. I couldn’t help but smile, despite my trepidation.
“I got the job.”
She squealed and leapt into the air, throwing her arms around my shoulders. I shifted my stance so that I could bear her weight, although her petite figure didn’t have much weight to bear.
“Oh Celestia, I’m so happy for you, Ichabod.” She kissed my cheek over and over again, “So you’re really the personal assistant for the Chief of Police?”
I shuffled my back hooves.
“Well, actually I’m the personal assistant to the new Detective Inspector. That’s why he’s the one that called.”
Coco’s excitement was undeterred.
“Oh well that’s wonderful. You’ve always been so fascinated by detective work. Maybe you’ll even help him solve a case.”
I smirked and grabbed the back of my head.
“Well, the detective did say I have an eye for detail.”
Coco got back to her own feet and sized me up and down.
“Well just look at you, mister confidence. See, I told you other ponies would see how great you are. I’m so proud of you.” She hugged me and I couldn’t keep up the facade any longer.
“So that was good news.”
She backed away and looked a little worried.
“Good news? So does that mean there’s…”
“I have to start right away, tonight. I can’t go to Ponyville with you.”
Coco looked hurt.
“What? But they can’t do that. Your vacation was approved months ago. This isn’t fair to us.”
“I know, I know but it was a condition of taking the job."
Coco scrunched her lips and cheeks. It had been a while since I had seen her this incensed.
“That’s dirty, holding your promotion hostage like that. You should call him back and try to make him understand that this is not professional behavior.”
I put my hooves on her shoulders as I tried to calm her down.
“It’s not that simple, there a… very important case that’s time sensitive. It can’t wait.”
She sighed and relaxed her posture a little, but was still far from appeased.
“I don’t see what could possibly be so important that you have to skip your well deserved vacation.”
I moved my arm around her back and held her next to me.
“Well, I’m not really supposed to tell you, but believe me it’s a big deal.”
She gazed directly into my eyes. How could I ever hide anything from that face.
“It’s not dangerous is it? Is it a secret government case?”
Now that I thought about it, a serial killer on the loose meant that Coco could be at risk.
“There’s a serial murderer out there and we don’t know when he’ll strike again. I have to do this, Coco.” I looked down at her. She was leaning her head against my arm. She reached up and touched my cheek.
“A serial killer! That’s so awful. I don’t want you to get hurt. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself, ok? ”
I smiled back at her.
“Hey, I’m just the paper pusher. Who’d wanna murder me?” I let go of my beloved Coco and stood up.
“The taxi should be here any second. Here let me help carry your things.” Before I could move, she grabbed my hoof and I spun around. Her face was so red, it practically glowed against her soft beige complexion.
“There will be other taxis.”
****
Author's Note
This is my first attempt at a Grimdark story. My friends have heard me complain about a lot of Grimdark tendencies in other fics so we'll see just how big of a hypocrite I am. 
Are you interested in seeing how this psychotic episode plays out? Let me know in the comments, sugarcube.
