A Funny World We Live In

I sit atop the Planck-thin divide between this world and that world and that world and that world too. I lay nestled in the (0,0,0,0,...) coordinates, the Origin Point, the center of Everything. Infinitely finite, endless in sight, I gaze out towards other planes in search of amusement, to wile away the boredom of eternity. This is what I saw and what I had to say about it.

~

So, you’ve got these six chicks, right? Just chilling in a barn, it’s late at night, they’re in their jammies. Or they’re naked. Like, they’re ponies, so they could just be naked. They’re mostly naked. Pinkie Pie’s got these footie pajamas and Rarity’s in a thin see-through negligee that’d give Spike cardiac arrest in both his little dragon hearts even though it’s nothing he’s never seen before.

Where was I? Six girls, sleepover in Applejack’s barn and, oh yeah, bam! They’s talking about sex.

Rainbow Dash raised her hoof. “Hold on, wait, we got a red light district?”

“Oh, indeed, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity waved a hoof from on top of her couch because yes she brought her couch, of course she did. “Ponyville is proud to host four practitioners of this world’s oldest profession.”

“Oh, alright, four hookers does not make a district,” Rainbow said to Rarity. She whipped her head over to Twilight, “Twilight, does four hookers make a district? You need like, uh, sixteen hookers, right?”*

“Well.” Twilight looked up from her book, because of course she had a book. A historical account of the Griffon Unification Wars, by the way. She rolled her eyes in thought,  “Municipal law is-”

“Boring!” Rainbow Dash cut her off. “Ponyville’s too small a town to have a friggin’ red light district! Do they all just hang out at the same corner or what?”

Applejack scowled down from her throne of hay bales. “Ponyville ain’t that small. We got about, what, four thousand ponies, right?”

“No, no, I’m sorry, Applejack, four thousand is small town,” Rainbow Dash said, prodding the hay bale throne.

“Practically a village,” Rarity added.

“Well, no.” Twilight butted in. “It’s fairly average for a small town but not anything more.”

“I don’t think my horse sphere would be able to handle more than that,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Well, I like it,” Fluttershy said, very quietly.

Applejack huffed, her local patriotic pride damaged but not finished. “Anywho, sugar, to answer your question, all the town’s whores live next door to each other, so we all call them four houses the red-light district.”

“Oh,” Rainbow Dash said. Then she perked up with a squint. “Wait, why?”

“Uh, ‘cause that’s what you call a place where all the whores live. Work. These ones work where they live.”

Rainbow stamped a hoof in slight annoyance. “No, I mean, why do they all live next to each other?”

“Silly Dashie.” Pinkie Pie reached across the circle and booped her on the nose. “Cause that’s what you call a red light district. Try to keep up!”

Moving along, Applejack rubbed her chin. “That’s a good question. I don’t rightfully know. Twilight, any municipal thingies?”

“Well, Rainbow Dash is right, Ponyville’s a bit small to have an official red light district,” She said. “So either it’s a coincidence, or informal arrangements were made, with each other or the Mayor, I imagine.”

“So, dang it, how did I not know about this sooner?” Rainbow Dash fell back on her haunches to gesticulate with her hooves. She shook them with raw exasperated disappointment, that she did. “Don’t I live here? How does the egghead know about the hookers before me?”

Twilight glowered at her without saying anything.

“Um, well, you ain’t exactly involved in the community on a social level, sugar,” Applejack said, “You live up in your cloud house when even all the other pegasi shack up down here. You spend a lot of time in Cloudsdale too.”

“What? I get plenty involved! Look at me, I love being the center of attention!”

“Indeed, but you don’t exactly stick around the crowds to chit-chat, dear,” Rarity said, pointing with her hoof. She smiled then. “Although, I feel quite privileged to be one of the few ponies close to the amazing Rainbow Dash.”

“Ah, uh, thanks, Rares, I, uh, I am amazing.” She shook her head. “Anywho, what about these hookers, who’re they? Rainbow Dash wants to know about the hookers.”

“Hm.” Rarity looked thoughtful. “Well, one’s a mare, a thestral with this adorable Rusky accent. She’s a dancer, you know? Positively a feminine beauty!”

“Eh, you feel a little batty, Rarity?”

“Rainbow!” Twilight said. “That’s not nice!”

“And inaccurate,” Rarity said. “When my eyes wander that way upon a mare, it's of the harder variety. Powerful, masculine. Like you, actually. Or Applejack.”

Applejack perked up and Rainbow Dash frowned. “Uh.”

“Oh, don’t be like that, either of you. Our relationship is far too platonic now to ever change into anything other.”

Rainbow Dash went through a couple of motions. She scowled at Rarity, at the ground, raised a hoof, looked up, opened her mouth, closed her mouth, looked back down and then, finally, at Applejack. “Did we just get friendzoned?”

“Why the disappointment, darling?” Rarity flipped her mane, turning away all coy-like. “Looking?”

“Uh, yeah, no, you’re not my type, Rares, sorry.”

“Oh.” She turned again, and suddenly settled a heck of a lot more focus on ol’ Dash. “Then what is your type, dearie?”

“Actively avoided,” Rainbow Dash said, with a tone of finality.

“She thinks stallions will make her girly!” Pinkie Pie said, with the tone of someone who doesn’t get what a tone of finality is.

“Gosh darnit, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash swore as much these ponies seem capable of. “I told you that in confidence!”

“You wha? I didn’t know that!”

“The Pinkie Promise was implicit!”

Twilight dropped her book, which is when you knew it just got real. Her eyes were wide and her mouth briefly gaped. “Pinkie Promises can be implicit?”

One did not simply see gears turning behind Twilight’s eyes, since that’s actually Twilight’s base state. Instead, her friend got to watch those gears cataclysmically throw a screw loose. She started desperately reviewing past conversations, checking to see if there were any unspoken Pinkie Promises there that she, subsequently, broke and therefore made her a bad friend.

Before that train of thought could keep derailing, Super Pink swooped in and saved the day. That is, Pinkie Pie pounced across the circle and tackled Twilight to the ground. She sat up on her haunches, one foreleg thrust into the air, the other firmly holding Twilight’s face against chest. Hot diggidy dog, that is a fluffy chest.

“Pinkie Promises are never implicit!” She declared, “They are always explicit rituals enacted by the promising party, with willingness and consent!”

“Yes, thank you, Pinkie Pie,” Rarity drawled. “You can let go of her now.”

“Okie dokie!”

Twilight pushed off of Pinkie, gasping for air. The latter mare just smiled, cartwheeling back to her spot in the circle.

“See, darling?” Rarity cooed soothingly to her opposite other across the circle. “No social ambiguities here. Everything is clearly stated. RIGHT, Rainbow Dash?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rainbow Dash turned to her right, “Sorry for freaking you out, Twi’.”

Twilight’s breathing slowly steadied. “Thanks, Rarity. You too, Pinkie.” She got a serene nod and a salute respectively. “And it's okay, Rainbow Dash.”

“Now, what were we talking about?” Rarity said. She idly flexed her legs as she counted through the subjects. “Pinkie Promises, masculine mares and feminine stallions and, ah, yes, prostitutes.”

“Feminine stallions?” Rainbow Dash said, “You like girly colts too?”

“Well, please, you remember Trenderhoof and Blueblood, right? Those two were exactly my type, physically, even if personally they turned out be abysmal.”

“Well, hey now,” Applejack said. “Trenderhoof turned out alright, if a little wrong headed.”

“His taste in mares left a me to be desired though.”

“I hear ya.” Applejack nodded. She turned from the mare to her left to the one on her right. “Now, what I’m more interested in is why Rainbow Dash thinks colts will make her girly.”

“Nope!” Rainbow reared on her haunches, crossing her forelegs. “We’re talking about hookers now. Rarity, who’s the next hooker?!”

“The way you say it makes it sound like Rares is one of them pimps actually bringing you whores,” Applejack said.

Rarity gaped. “Oh, could you imagine it? I’d have to dress all gaudy! And those horrid hats.”

Pinkie giggled, “And Dashie sounds like one of those fat science fiction villains, that keep demanding pleasure slaves?” She threw her voice real deep. “Oompba cha keepa! Ho ho ho!”

“Okay, you bring me a guy that can pull off a metal bikini, and we’ll talk, Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow Dash said. “Anyway, hookers!”

“Right, dear, if you insist,” Rarity said, “Who else was there? Right, that bipedal fellow. His name escapes me-”

Pinkie Pie supplied, “Ting!”

“Right, Ting! Some kind of hairless monkey, Ting.”

“He’s a human,” Applejack said.

Rainbow Dash looked at her. “How do you know-” She started, before getting cut off.

“Humans, of the family of sapient hominids,” Twilight said, “Which also includes the races of kongs, orangutans and yetis.”

“Yes, thank you, Twilight. You too, Pinkie, Applejack.”

“They’re closely related to the sapient jotunids,” Twilight said, “Such as the orcs, oni and ogres. Together, the two racial families make up the race group of simia.”

“Thank you,” Rarity said, “Twilight.”

“Once, it was believed humans were part of the jotunid family, because of their shared near furlessness,” She kept on going, “But anatomical evidence firmly set them among the hominids.”

“Twilight!” Rainbow cut a foreleg in front of her face. “Hookers!”

“Actually, this town’s first librarian was an orang- oh, dang. I went off on a tangent, didn’t I?”

“Hooookersssss….”

“You sure are obsessed with them whores, Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said.

Rarity sighed, real dramatic like. “I had best sate her curiosity before she explodes.

“Alright, Rainbow Dash, the last two of our town’s prostitutes are a pair of stallions, one a simple earth pony, so he has some stiff competition in the exotic department, and the last one a zebra.”

“Oh, that zebra is cute!” Pinkie said, “He’s got this clumsy stumbling thing going on, like, ‘I dunno what I’m actually doing here,’ but then he always pulls through in the end.”

Twilight looked wide-eyed at her, “Wait, Pinkie you mean you-”

“Uh, yeah! There’s a party in my pants, and everyone’s invited!”

“But you don’t wear pants.”

“Neither was the human!”

“I thought you were with the zebra.”

“Yes. And the thestral. And the pony. Everyone was invited.”

“Oh my gosh.”

“I saved up my bits.”

Rarity’s face tried to remain serene whilst Pinkie laid out her little confession. Rainbow Dash just gawked in naked envy. Applejack had a level look on her face, like there were still apples on the tree but she long ran out of bucks to give.

“Actually,” Applejack said, leaning toward Rarity. “That pony whore fella’s too clever by half, if you ask me. I caught him staring at me while I was ponying my booth and next thing I know that thestral mare’s there flirting up a storm.”

Rarity, glad to get off the subject of Pinkie’s Passionate Pentagon, in extreme detail, gave Applejack her full attention. “Oh, do you think he read your preference at a glance?”

“Not well enough.” Applejack grimaced. “When I find a pony to be with, she’s gonna be special somepony, not some kinda pay-per-fling.” Her face took on an expression of wistful longing. “I’ll take her on long walks through the orchard while the sun sets, take her to my favorite hill and watch the stars, confess my love to her under an apple tree bloomin’ in the spring.”

Now, Rainbow Dash’s attention was grabbed, for which she was glad. Pinkie had began describing what she and her tetrad of tramps did with some doilies. Twilight had this dead look in her eyes by then, but Rainbow was pretty sure Pinkie was making it up by this point.

“See, it’s stuff like this why I stay away from guys,” She said, jabbing a hoof at Applejack.

Applejack shot her a dirty look while Rarity quirked a brow and asked, “So it isn’t colts that’ll make you girly, but romance?” Rainbow Dash nodded vigorously, making Rarity shrug. Rarity turned to Applejack and added, “But my, my, Applejack, I don’t share Rainbow Dash’s opinions but I share her assessment. That was quite a romantic spiel you just gave. I would have never expected that out of you.”

Applejack brushed some of her mane aside, orange fur glowing red. “I rightfully don’t know where that came from, actually.”

“Truly, if you and I weren’t already friends, I wouldn’t mind getting taken in by you.”

“Uh…” Oh look, Applejack just got redder.

“Just imagine it. I, the jaded, worldly city girl, just looking to hide away from it all.”

“You grew up in Ponyville.”

“And you, the naive, romantic country girl, her heart still open to the world.”

“Naive?”

“Will you teach me to love again?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“And will I teach you unleash the carnal animal within?”

“Wait, what?”

Rarity started sitting up, gesticulating to emphasize her narration, “When will we finally get to the part where you RIP off my bodice and just THROW meeeeEEEK!!” Her movements were too wild and sudden. When she shot up, she threw her couch back, upending it and her with it.

“What’s a bodi- RARITY!” Applejack pounced up to the top of her haybale throne to see over the couch.

Rainbow Dash cackled like a maniac, falling on her back, “I’m weak! I’m WEAK!”

Rewind back a bit, Pinkie Pie waved a hoof in front of Twilight’s face, “Oh wow, I thought you Canterlot ponies would be used to this kind of thing. Like, seriously, I thought you guys were up to some Fun With Castles type shenanigans over there.”

That snapped Twilight out of her funk, “Wait, what? What exactly do you think happens in Canterlot?”

“Oh, all kinds of stuff!”

“What kind of stuff?” Twilight asked. She then proceeded to wish she hadn’t, because Pinkie Pie gleefully answered.

In detail.

The dead look returned to Twilight’s eyes.

Rarity raised a hoof above her couch, “I think it’s time we all settled down for the night, don’t you think?”

Twilight shoved a hoof into Pinkie’s mouth, “Agreed!”

Fluttershy, for her part, was far ahead of them. She had long ago fainted.

Somewhere around the point where Pinkie Pie elaborated exactly where the spoon went.

_

*Fun fact, ponies use base eight. They count by lifting and lowering their hooves, or just their front hooves and by canting their head side to side. Or they, you know, just do it in their head. Now, translation convention is being used here**, so 16 is still 16. It is roughly equivalent to 20, in that it’s the base number x2.

**For example, ponies do not speak English, they speak Equestrian. What you see and hear has been stripped down and rebuilt so you may better understand.

~

Three pairs of glowing eyes lit up in the shadows at the very edge of the Everfree, looking out and over the opposite edge of Ponyville. This isn’t that unusual because it’s a cursed forest. No place worth the name isn’t up to its eyeballs with glowing eyes out of the shadows. I mean, c’mon.

The yellow glowing eyes said, “My, my, gentlemen, I do think we found the place.” It had a whispery crackle to it, with a Southern Gentleman accent.

The blue eyes said, “¡Aye, si, hermanos! We are going to befreunden das heck outta these frauleins!” It jumped, burbled and trickled between accents, with chunks of different languages thrown in haphazardly like ice in an arctic ocean.

The red eyes said, “Indeed.” This one had a gravelly tone, two tectonic plates in his throat grinding together.

Very mysterious.