A Funny World We Live In

Alrighty, where we at here? Couples days after the sleepover, but still at Applejack’s farm. Applejack is doing what she does best, jacking up some trees for their apples. She works ‘em over for everything they’re worth, sun’s high up in the sky and she’s working up a sweat. She’s about ready to take a break now.

Suddenly, Gigantor appears.

“Huu-eey!” She wiped the sweat off her brow and I hope I got that onomatopoeia right. “Lookin’ like I got enough apples for day, I think.”

“Greetings.” And that there was a voice like two rocks being ground together into gravel.Or tectonic plates, maybe you recognize it.

It came from behind her, and she turned to face whoever and whatever this was. What it was was a leg. She had to crane her head up to get a better look at him. What he was was huge. Like, imagine whatever size class Celestia was, and now imagine there was a Big Mac version of that. Not an alicorn though, just a really big earth pony.

“Howdy!” Because, sure, he could step on her, but there were country hospitalities to be observed. She even waved at him. Smiled.

He scowled down at her with red sclera. No, no, he scowled more. He was already scowling before. In fact, he might always be scowling. “Wait, can I start over?”

Applejack smiled patiently. “Sure thing, sugar.”

“Howdy.”

“Howdy!”

That’s when the giant looked askance to one side, as if to ask Now what?

“So, mister, how can I help you?” Applejack took a few steps back so she wouldn’t have to crane her neck so high.

“I am.” Then he paused right there after that simple declaration of existence. It was marvelous and philosophical statement, if somewhat pointless and off-topic. “Tellus. I am Tellus.”

“Well, Tellus, I’m Applejack.”

“Howdy.”

“You already said that.”

He scowled at the air above her head. “So I did.” He looked as if he were thinking I sure hope my brothers are having a better time of this than I am. Because that’s exactly that he was thinking.

~

In the middle of the crystal tree’s foyeur, a bubble just grew out of the ground, right there in front of the princess. It expanded rapidly in a split second to a size even larger than Twilight. The poor girl hopped back with a flap of her wings and fear in her eyes.

The opaque bubble popped, revealing the form of giant blue unicorn stallion, grinning wide and manic eyed, “Suh-prise, apple buck-!”

Around that point, a beam of focused purple magic took him in the side.

So, no, this one wasn’t having a very a good time at all.

~

Outside the crystal castle, Starlight Glimmer set her binoculars down. She wore a shocked and worried expression on her face. “Dang, Sparkle.” A flicker of her horn brought up a notepad and she made sure to leave a reminder that Twilight had the unicorn equivalent of just the meanest left hook.

~

Rainbow Dash laid on a cloud, just sprawled out and looking at the sky. She was thinking about stuff, like where her life was going, where it’s been and serious stuff like that. I’m cutting in here at the point where that train of thought derails into sex.

It’d be great if I could just get a guy but not have to deal with him, ya’know? Maybe not just him either. I could have so many dudes. I’m Rainbow Dash, I could get a harem. All the guys’d be lining up to be my pleasure slaves. I’d be a great harem master! Man, now who would be in my harem?

Then came a richly detailed visual image. It started with her, seated on a throne of stone. She switched between brooding like a barbarian heroine contemplating her conquered kingdom, or smirking like the barbarian queen’s daughter sneaking on her mother’s throne when nopony’s looking. Panning down, we see chains wrapped around her front hooves that lead down the steps to her throne.

Splayed out around her was her harem, posing provocatively for her pleasure, either looking longingly up at her or somberly off to the side. There was Big Mac, Soarin, Braeburn, Thunderlane, the ice skiing guy from that cult she couldn’t remember the name of. Who else was there? Shining Armor? Yeah, he’s hot. Don’t judge her. She’s allowed to dream.

Man, I’d be like Queen Ichpochtlifrom Daring Do And The Tribal Queen! Yes, I am the queen and you all are here to tell me how awesome I am!

“Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow Dash snapped out of her fantasy on hearing her name. She rolled and looked over the side of her cloud, down at the ground and at three wee fillies.

“Why were you laughing like a crazy mare?” Scootaloo asked.

“Maniacally,” Applebloom added helpfully.

“Mani- dangit,” Sweetie Bell tried to add helpfully, but failed.

Dash rolled back on her cloud, staring up at the sky. Now what she was thinking about was how she’d rather be anywhere else but here. She was thinking how she’d really like to get back to her barbarian queen harem fantasy, but it was gonna be difficult after this without some kinda assistance.

Hold on a tick, She was thinking, There’re hookers in this town! More importantly, they were somewhere else in town, where small fillies asking her uncomfortable questions were not.

“Oh, wow, that guy is huge!” One of the fillies said.

That’s what I’ll say! Rainbow Dash thought, hopping to her feet and tensing, ignoring the shadow passing above her.

“Well, excuse me, madam-” The giant blue pegasus began. His size aside, even he got caught up in the void wake of Rainbow Dash’s sudden departure, “-oh my!”

The stallion pulled himself out of the spin and slipped precariously on top of the cloud too small for his stature. He flapped enormous white wings and extended a fluffy white tail out underneath himself, settling on it as if it were a cloud instead.

He looked down from where he was perched on top of himself in what is some M.C. Escher bullhuckey if you really think about it. Down on the ground, three little fillies gazed up in wonderment. “Well, howdy there, little ladies.”

“Gee, mister, why are you so big?” Applebloom asked.

Scootaloo jumped in front of her. “I mean, you gotta get some gnarly distance on those things! How do I get some?”

The stallion snorted, standing up from himself, really confusing sentence to write. His wings spread out, shadowing the girls, and gave a flap. He furled his tail from under himself, hovering still. “It’s ungentlecoltly of me to leave you lovely young ladies hanging but I simply must be off. If Miss Rainbow Dash can’t be tracked down, I’m sure I can get acquainted with Miss Fluttershy instead. Now, you three fillies stay outta trouble, ya hear?”

The sound his wing made as he buffeted the air drowned out anything else the three had to say. The stallion took off, heading toward the edge of town.

~

Actually, I hope none of them are huge. That’d be a really pain in the- well, no, nopony’s going anywhere near there. Not if they wanna get PAID.

The four houses she landed near were set fairly far apart from the rest of town, because ponies like their privacy. They looked rather plain for whore houses, in Rainbow Dash’s opinion. On the other hoof, they could’ve gone with the sort of thematic architecture seen in Sugarcube Corner and ponies aren’t that blase about sex.

Stalking up and down the doors, she checked each one. They had office hours and walk-in hours posted on neat uniform schedules, and warning not to bug ‘em otherwise. Even the latter set of hours had an exception if an occupied sign was hung on the door knob.

The schedules were uniformly organized but different from each other. By process of elimination, she was left with just one house, one hooker and one door to knock on. This put a dent in her aforementioned fantasy of having the whole lot of them chained to her throne whilst listening to their lamentations, but you work with what you got.

It was the monkey man that answered the door, look down at her with expectant curiosity, “He-ello!”

Pointy. Pointy was the first impression Rainbow Dash got out of him. He had pointed ears, pointed eyes, a pointed nose, a pointed chin with a pointed beard, pointed fingers. His mane(?) was a bowl cut, if somepony had leaned the bowl forward, so his hair ended in two points to either side of his face.

“Oh, uh, hey, you’re- you’re- Ringo!”

“Ting.”

“Ting! Theee- yeti!”

“Human.” He smiled without showing teeth. “And you’re Rainbow Dash, right? The pegasus.”

“Hold on, you hooker guys know about me but I didn’t?” Rainbow Dash fell back on her haunches, wringing her front hooves to either side.

He pointed up at the sky, “You’re really hard to miss. Specially when you crack the sky and let loose the light show. Seriously, nice work on that one.”

She waved her front hooves at him, “You’re an eleven foot hairless monkey!” He’s like five and a half.

“You’ve really never seen me?”

“No!”

“Huh, weird.” He used one of his spindly fingers to scratch his head. “Anyhow, how can I help you Rainbow Dash?”

She opened her mouth, stopped, didn't say anything, closed her mouth, rubbed her chin and then, by Jove, I think she's got something! Having thought about why she was here made it a bit embarrassing to spit out, but she managed. “You're a hooker, right?”

“Sure am!” He squatted down, more eye level with her now. “You looking to buy?”

“I-m- I’m- I’m just, uh, window shopping.”

His eye narrowed, but he kept smiling. No, wait, was he smirking? Yeah, this guy looked like a smirker. Rainbow Dash got the impression he was leering. He tilted his head back. “You wanna come inside and I tell you what services I offer?”

Rainbow Dash, now she steeled herself. Dang, man, she just stuttered like a nervous little school filly and she was not like that all. She was Rainbow Dash! She grit her teeth and try to put on a casual expression which is difficult when you’re gritting your teeth. “Sure! That sounds pretty cool.”

He got up then, stretching back to his full height. He stood to the side, and gestured for her to come in. “I could start with my specials.” At her nod, he continued. “Mm, howzabout a Manehatten Special?”

She stepped through the door, looking up at him, “Wazzat?”

“Well, first, one of us has to dress up like the Statue Of Friendship.”

Then the door closed, and the world outside couldn’t possibly hear anymore.

~

At the Carousel Boutique, Rarity played gracious hostess to her most exuberant friend. Whilst her company was always invigorating, there were ulterior motives at work. Firstly, there were the cookies Pinkie promised to bring that were simply to die for. Second, juicy gossip. It was the most comfortable sort too, not resorting to talking about other ponies behind their flanks. Pinkie was quite willing to natter on about herself just fine, thank you.

“So, all four, at once?”

“Yepperoni! They had to hash out if they were going to charge me an extra group rate or give me a bulk discount.”

Rarity stirred her tea, regarding Pinkie Pie warily. “I had no idea you had such ravenous appetites.”

“Oh, it was just that one time.” Pinkie Pie flipped another cookie in her mouth. Then she grabbed a tea cup and washed it down in a big gulp.

“A sudden whimsy then?” She daintily dipped a cookie in her tea before biting it.

“Well, nah.” Pinkie Pie tilted her head with a smirk, as if playfully admonishing Rarity for implying that she was that spontaneous. “I had crushes on them at the time.”

“You were-” pause, “-infatuated with all of our local prostitutes?”

“Yeah-huh! I was thinking about how their jobs are like my job of making everypony happy by having lots of fun and then I thought woo wowie they’re so cool and each is cool in their own way like when the thestral takes her tongue out and it’s like a foot long and she-”

“SO!”

“So?”

“So, I haven’t thought of anything yet.”

“S’okay!”

“So, do you usually sleep with your crushes?”

“So, I don't usually have crushes on prostitutes.”

“So- stop that.”

“So sorry!”

Rarity took a long, serene sip from her tea. What she wasn’t doing was counting to ten under her breath. Most certainly not.

“S- Mm.” Rarity cleared her throat. “Is that where your interests lie? Ponies, and other peoples I suppose, that share your proclivities for spreading hedonistic delights?”

“Do you mean do I only like people that like to help other people have fun by having fun with them?”

“Yes.”

“Oh! Then no!”

“Oh, really? Then-”

“Oh yeah!”

“Ooooh, oh no, we’re not doing this again.”

“Oh, sorry.”

Rarity nodded. “Quite. Now, dear, I’m curious now, what do you seek in a pony? Or a, er, a people? Is it ‘a people’?”

“Oh, boy, I have crushes on everypeople!” Oh, they’re just making up words now. Pinkie rolled her eyes back, waving a hoof to encompass the whole of the world. Also, conveniently, ignoring Rarity’s eye twitch. “Like, not all the time and all at once or actually everypeople ever. I wish I knew that many peoples.”

Rarity took that in. It sunk in. Everybody. Rarity was chique and unique*, but she’d also get included in everybody. “Pinkie Pie, dear, darling, do you have a crush on moi?”

“Not right now, no.”

So slowly, her tea cup was set down on the table and Rarity clopped her front hooves together. “S- You have before.”

“Of course! You’re a really classy lady, Rarity, and you work so hard to make everything you do beautiful so everypony can love it and enjoy it and I just love what you do with your hair!”

Rarity brought her front hooves close to her face, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. It seemed like she was steeling herself to deal with overwhelming ordeal of Pinkie Pie’s affection. “Please.” Then she flipped on to her side with a kind of cocky smirk that wouldn’t seem out of place on Rainbow Dash. There was a glint in her eyes shining off of her ego. “Tell me more.”

“Well-” Bang! The front door to the boutique slammed open. Rarity shrieked and fell out her chair with a thump. The universe just seemed to be using her for physical comedy lately. Pinkie Pie just turned to the intruder. “Hi, Twilight!”

“Girls!” Twilight’s mane was disheveled and her horn sparked erratically, “I was attacked and I just sent a pony to jail!”

_

*Not to mention, magnifique

~

Rainbow Dash just wished one of her friends would burst in here with something dramatic and traumatic. She couldn’t back out now, that would be uncool, and constantly assured Ting to just keep going.

“-and that would be the Appaloosa Special. It’s like the Hollow Shades Special except with applesauce instead of mud and you don’t have to do it at night. Not necessarily.”

“Ya- yeah, man, rad!”

“So are you sure you’re interested in any of that?” Ting thumbed off to the side. “Cause we could do normal stuff instead.”

“You can do normal stuff with hookers!?”

Ting slapped one of his thighs, “I think I’ve given you a bad first impression of what I normally do.”

“Well, can we just do normal stuff?”

“Yeah, sure, we can do that,” Ting reached to one side, grabbing a little black book, “Should I pen you in for later next week? How does Thursday afternoon sound?”

Rainbow Dash waved a dismissive hoof. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, sounds good!” She hopped off the seat she’d taken, heading for the window. Hopping up the sill, she waved a saluting hoof, “See ya!”

“See ya then!”

Rainbow took off, a brief prismatic blur right behind her. She had a confident smirk on her face, riding high on that feeling she just accomplished something. Then it hit her that she just booked an appointment with a hooker, and all that it entailed. Then she hit a tree, and that’s because she wasn’t paying attention.