A Funny World We Live In

Alright, let’s cut over to Canterlot, specifically the castle. There’s Blueblood, making so many enemies he has to keep a flowchart. Over there is Fancy Pants being ambiguously congenial and nice. And up in the second highest room of one of the tallest towers was Celestia, Sovereign Of The Sun, reading like some really awful pornography.

“KNOCK, KNOCK!”

And the door to her apartment blew just short of off its hinges. A couple of guards outside were blown long past off their hooves. In marched Luna, Monarch Of The Moon, because Sovereign Of Somnia just doesn’t have the same kick to it.

“Sister! A fine evening, is it not?” She slammed the door shut behind her without looking.She pranced about her sister’s seating cushion and golly this is a cheery Luna. Her smile creased down to a frown as she stopped in front of the unresponsive other-half of this nation’s ruling head. Bending her head down to peer at the magazine or comic book Celestia was reading. She muttered the title under her breath. “Fall… Equestria…” She’d narrow her eyes. “What is this you are reading, sister? Some grim fiction of a speculative apocalypse?”

Celestia sighed, closing the magazine and setting it down. “That’s what I was supposed to be reading, I think. I had gotten some complaints from our zebra settlers. There was a piece of popular literature floating around that they felt was insulting for its portrayal of them. I decided to see for myself.”

Luna sat on her haunches. “Did you think it was really that awful?” She seemed worried, like somepony just told her this thing she liked was trash.

“I don’t know. I sent for a copy, but I think there must have been a mix-up in communication. Specifically, I got ‘of’ instead of ‘out’.” Celestia grimaced at the magazine, her sister looking as well with a curious frown. Thankfully, it had a rather plain and generic cover, because Luna absolutely didn’t want to see a preview of what was inside. “And if the zebras thought they were offended by what was in that book, I’m now waiting to hear that the caribou are in open revolt.”

“Is it that dreadful?” Luna seemed concerned, looking at the magazine as if an angry caribou might leap out at any moment. Thankfully not, especially not one as portrayed in that book.

“I worry about my little ponies when they craft such fantasies of cruelty for pleasure.” For their fetish. “I mean, I know a little about sadomasochism and bondage, don’t get me wrong. Did I ever tell you about my ninth spouse? He was into this sort of thing.”

Albeit, reversed sex from what was portrayed in the magazine. Bernard was a diamond dog with an exterior as hard and cold as his kind’s namesake and a heart as soft and warm as molten gold. He was commonly seen wearing a spiked collar, which he claimed was a statement to the ageless monarch that made him hers. It was often thought to be a warning, saying to Celestia, ‘I am yours, but I am still prickly.’ What he was actually saying was, ‘Put me on a leash and take me for a walk.’

Luna watched her sister’s eyes. She waited for the reminiscence to end, for the memories she will never share to fade away for the moment. “That reminds me, sister, of why I am came to your quarters. Are you sure about sending the boys to Ponyville?”

Celestia finished up smiling fondly at the rear-end of the annals of time and turned her attention back to the present. “You’re worried?”

“I’m.”

Celestia darted her eyes around, searching Luna’s face. “I’m what?”

“No, ‘I am’. That is a correct contraction, right?”

“It’s a bit awkward.”

Luna hung her head. “Ah.”

“Besides,” Celestia continued on, “I trust Twilight has this well in hoof and even Aequor should be on his best behavior.”

~

“Aequor, you are in jail.”

“Si!”

“You are being charged with breaking and entering.”

“Oui!”

“Do you know what you did wrong?”

“Nein!”

“Ja.”

It was a little jailhouse manned by a couple of Royal Guards located in the basement of the mayor’s office. Mayor Mare’s predecessor thought it’d be nice to get something so unseemly out of sight. Only later did she realize she now had a dungeon, and it’s quite unseemly for somepony who’s title isn’t Princess to have a dungeon. Mayor Mare, lucky for her, got to write it off as somepony else’s fault.

Twilight sprinted directly back there as soon as she got a pair of her friends, with Rarity forced to keep up and Pinkie just riding on Twilight’s back, cause alicorn’s are too strong. On the way there, they met up with Applejack and her new giant friend. (“Hey there, I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?” “Tellus.” “No, you tell me!”) At Twilight’s description, Tellus admitted to recognizing the culprit and he didn’t sound happy to hear it.

And that’s how they ended up here.

“-it’s just that I’m the Princess Of Friendship and I should be forgiving and he doesn’t seem like a bad pony really-” “M’am.” “-but he teleported right in front of my and he’s so big and he was yelling and my triggerhoof’s been a little twitchy ever since sometaur blew up my house-” “Princess, please--” “-but isn’t the castle public property? I know the library was so I’m pretty used to that. I’m a little unclear where the castle fits in there. It’s the Friendship Castle, so shouldn’t it be?” “Your highness, if you would just let me-” “Not that I want to use my princess title to override your authority or anything like that but now that I think about it I really should iron out the property laws regarding my castle with the mayor. She’s still the one in charge, you know. Everpony should remember that!”

Off to one side, Twilight was trying to get Aequor off all charges, because that was princess-ly thing to do, while making sure they threw the book at him, because rules are meant to be followed and princesses can’t be seen flouting them. This was all while making sure she didn’t overrule anyone, because just because she was a princess didn’t mean she should be treated, like, royalty or anything. Rarity and Applejack were behind her, wondering why Twilight felt the need to bring them along for this. Pinkie Pie was still on top of Twilight, and she never felt the need to wonder why she was anywhere.

After the giant earth pony gave up on the giant unicorn, the former decided to go see the one Royal Guard not failing to get in a word in edgewise with the princess. Her name was Shining Armoire. Her parents were maids in Canterlot Castle and thought she’d follow in their footsteps, but it turns out she’s a heckuva lot better at taking a hit and guarding other ponies. So much for indicative names.

Standing behind her desk, she looked up as an enormous shadow loomed over. “Golly, are you two saddle arabians? I’ve never seen ponies as big as you except the princesses.”

“No,” He rumbled simply.

“Oh,” Was all that she was able to get in response.

Tellus looked aside, scanning the small office with its little cell. He looked at the mare again, scowling. Still scowling. “I remember the Guard presence in this town used to be larger. What happened?”

Armoire rolled her eyes, trying to remember. “Uh, shoot, what happened? Uh, budget cuts! Yeah, a big roll back happened a few years ago.”

“This town is still near the Everfree Forest.” He didn’t elaborate what that meant.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Supposed to be real nasty business in there. Thing is, I heard some little waif moved in right at the border and convinced most of the monsters to play nice. At least with this town.”

Tellus grunted. “Impressive. It must be a brave and hardened mare to bring the beasts of the Everfree to heel.”

~

There was a knock on Fluttershy’s door. She shrieked and dove for cover.

~

“Yeah, I bet,” Armoire said, with no degree of irony. She’s new to town. “So, a big chunk of the fund they took from the guard here apparently goes to her now. She’s supposed to have a special talent with animals, which makes sense, so she uses the money to run a shelter.”

Tellus nodded. “I imagine she must be an undisputed queen of the animal kingdom.”

~

Fluttershy tried in vain to hold the little white rabbit back, her teeth clenched on his cottontail. “ No, Angel Bunny, honey, stop, stop attacking the door.” Angel Bunny ceased his attack on the portal that dared frighten his mistress and instead turned his ire on a closer target, his mistress that dared stop him from defending her honor. “No, now stop that too! You know that hurts mommy’s feelings.”

~

Applejack and Rarity disengaged from the mess that was Twilight trying to make everything perfect, because Fates forbid she ever be less than the shining exemplar of harmony. Instead, the pair of them decided to scope out the stallion that caused their friend so much trouble. Besides sending her into a tizzy, he didn’t seem malevolent and they forgave for worst things before.

“What in Tart’s nations?” Or ‘tarnations’. I dunno, transplanar translation is weird.

“Mm, Aequor, right? Sir, what are you doing?”

They get to the front of the cage and find the great blue galut huddling in a corner. He’s had a spoon he was beating relentlessly on the rock wall with. Not even with his horn, he had a grip on it in his hooves, scratching away with manic swings. Addressed, he’d stop and turn, giving the pair of mares a big grin as he came up to the bars.

“Ah, mon petit poneys! You caught me at a bad time, I was just making good on my escape!”

Making good on his escape seemed to consist of him vainly wearing a spoon down to a nub, so they weren’t unduly worried there. Applejack was mouthing the first words he said while Rarity covered her mouth and giggle. “Oh, monsieur!” Rarity said, “You speak Prench?”

Aequor looked down at his own hoof, his open smile turning into an arrogant little smirk. “Well, I don’t like to brag but-”

“Hold on a tick.” Applejack raised a hoof. “Can’t you teleport?”

Aequor stuck his head through the bars and snorted. “¿Pero porque? Where’s the fun in that?”

“Fun? This is fun for you?” Applejack asked.

“¡Aye, si, senorita! I need a challenge!”

Rarity seemed far more interested in other things. “¿Y Espoñol, senior?”

“Eh, yo hablo algunos lenguajes.”

“¡Fantastico! You must be well travelled, senior Aequor.”

“Ja, fraulein Rarität.”

Applejack was right about to say something here too, but then something pink and fluffy sidled up to her side. “Ah, ya Pinkie Pie?”

“So, where do you think the pegasus one is?”

“Pegasus one?” She looked between the pair of giants, an earth pony and a unicorn. “How do ya figure? Pinkie Sense?”

“Nah, just stands to reason,” Pinkie Pie said. “You got two big princess sized guys, one’s an earth pony and the other’s a unicorn, there’s gotta be a pegasus somewhere.”

“Not everything’s gotta come in sets of three, Pinkie.”

~

A big princess sized pegasus pressed his face against Fluttershy’s window, trying to look in, “M’am, I say, m’am! Are you alright? I heard you scream.”

Try as he might, he couldn't see what was going on in there. He heard a pained squeak and knew what he had to do.

“Imma comin’, Miss Fluttershy!” He flapped a few feet back and spread his wings. Then he kept spreading them as they grew even larger than his enormous stature. He cracked the tips together against the door and the it was blown off its hinges by the sound of thunder.

“Don’t worry, Miss Fluttershy, I-”

Angel Bunny looked up at the detonated remains of the doorway. Hovering over him was a giant among the giant ponies, a true behemoth of the winged ones. But Angel was not afraid. No, not he, who faced the Everfree Queen on a daily basis and cowed her into submission almost every time. Sure, so long as she didn’t use that accursed Stare on him at least.

In his head, he wasn’t even Angel anymore. Oh no. He was some over-the-top action hero, a legendary god-slayer ready to fell titans, divinities and especially stupid, irksome, tricksie draconequui. He was one of those characters from his queen’s cartoons. He was Angeru, and this was Angeru’s WRATH!

Fluttershy wasn’t in any danger, though she sure as Tart’ looked scared now that some over dramatic bravo blew her door down. The stallion looked rather embarrassed, still hovering in the air, his wings shrinking. Both their ears were splayed back as they stared each other down until the later looked away.

He put a hoof on his chest. Would have took his hat off too, but he didn’t have one and resolved to remedy that at the soonest convenient opportunity. What kinda gentlecolt doesn’t have a hat? “My sincerest apologies, Miss Fluttershy. It seems I made a dreadful-”

“-eeee-!!”

“-what in Tart’s nation?”

He was so focused on Fluttershy, that at first he hadn’t noticed the rabbit. Angel was aiming to fix that quickly, jumping off one piece of furniture to a taller one. He used the clutter of the cottage to his advantage, till he was somewhere high enough to pounce on the intruder’s face.

Straddling the guy’s snout, Angel let loose a rapid barrage of what weren’t rabbit punches but would have been was there any justice to word play in this world. In Angel’s mind, it was three times that many punches because he had that many more paws to strike with. Sadly, for him, Angel Bunny was not the insane demi-god scion of Animosity, the Spirit Of Rage.

There is at least two someones like that and boy howdy are they edgier than Chrysalis’s horn.

Angel went on, a flurry of blows like a martial artist furiously striking at a whole swarm, rapidly smashing bees. The pegasus did not turn into a screaming, fading, silhouette in the middle of a storm of energy, except perhaps in Angel’s head. He seemed more confused than anything else. That kept on going until Fluttershy flapped up, took him by the tail and pulled him off the stallion.

“Angel!” She’d glare at him as soon as she set him down. Angel’s ears peeled back and he felt just the edge of one of those infernal Stares. “Behave yourself.” Once he was cowed for the moment, Fluttershy turned to face her guest.

The stallion seemed to regain his composure, bringing a front hoof to his chest and bowing his head again. “Well, howdy there, Miss Fluttershy.”

At the sign of actual, genuine, speech, Fluttershy remembered she was speaking to an actual, genuine, pony. Not an animal, but another sapient being.

The stallion searched her face, looking to see if she’d respond. Instead, she did her absolute best to avoid eye contact. He’d frown, look back at the doorway and her again. He smiled sheepishly. “Mighty sorry about your door, m’am. I thought you was in danger.”

He leaned in closer to to try to hear what she was saying back. “Excuse me, m’am, could you speak up?” She only scrunched up further, turning her head away. Sensing he was just making matters worse, he pulled back. “Well, this isn’t getting anywhere.”

Then the rabbit pounced on his face again.