1. F.A.M.H.A.R.
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

1. F.A.M.H.A.R.

"Hello, you have reached the Friendship and Magic hotline!" Twilight said eagerly. "This is Princess Twilight Sparkle speaking, and let me assure you I’ll be happy to assist you in any Friendship or Magic problems you might have, no matter how large or small!"

Tapping her hooves in joy, Twilight looked eagerly at voice crystal. Oh my goodness! I can't believe this is actually happening! This will change Equestria as we know it! No longer will ponies have to wait for us to reach them to solve their Friendship and Magic problems. Instead they’ll be able to get in touch with me directly!

Sadly, the waiting quickly shriveled her enthusiasm. Seconds passed in silence. Twilight's grin gradually turned into a smile, then a frown.

"Rainbow!" she said critically to the voice crystal. "You are supposed to tell me your problem! We can't test the hotline without the actual test!"

"Gee, Twi, this is really lame!" a raspy voice replied. "Do I have to? It rings, you can hear me..."

"If we don't do the complete test, there's no point in doing a test at all!" Twilight said sharply, then instantly covered her mouth. Bad choice of words. Knowing Rainbow Dash, she would take this as an excuse to fly off. I need to think of something quickly! "Would Spitfire quit a race after the first lap?" If this doesn't grab her attention, nothing will. "I think not. As you know, the Wonderbolts are an inspiration to all of Equestria precisely because they are reliable and take no shortcuts when—"

"All right, all right!" Rainbow yelled back, cutting her off. "Give me a moment to think of something."

Twilight rolled her eyes. So much for a perfect test run, she grumbled. It was supposed to be a simple task, more than simple! A filly could have done better. All that was needed of Rainbow Dash was to—

"Hey, Twilight." Spike walked into the room, causing Twilight jump in her chair. "I wasn't able to put the sign above the closet, so I—" He suddenly stopped. His eyes moved from the gasping for breath alicorn to the glowing voice crystal on the desk in front of her. "Whoa! You got it to work!" He rushed past the Princess without a second glance. "Neat! Can I try it?"

"Spike!" Twilight quickly came to her senses, pushing the little dragon away. "We are in the middle of a very important test!" She carefully readjusted her seat. "And this is not a closet, but the Friendship and Magic Hotline Assistance Room!"

"FAMHAR?" Spike glanced at her skeptically. "Seriously? That's what you came up with?" He crossed his arms. Twilight felt the urge to strangle him. I'll have you know the name I chose is perfectly accurate, Spike! "You really need to work on that.” The dragon scratched his chin. "Twilight's Friendship Hotline sounds way better."

"Spiiike!" Twilight raised her voice. "This is not the issue! Now go and put up the sign! Rainbow and I have an important test we must conclude!"

"Yeah, yeah," the dragon grumbled and left the room.

"Finally! Now where were we?" Twilight turned to the voice crystal. "Rainbow, you can begin."

"I'm thinking!" The annoyed response was immediate.

"Rainbow," Twilight sighed audibly. "I gave you five scrolls of questions to choose from, remember?"

"What? Oh, right!" Even through the voice crystal Twilight could hear the pegasus scrambling to find the scrolls. Tapping patiently on the desk with her hoof, she waited. "So. Err. I got into a argument with my best friend. What should I do?" Rainbow Dash read, barely stringing the words in a proper question.

"Well, Rainbow Dash, I am glad you asked!" The question quickly restored Twilight's enthusiasm. Pleased, she levitated a stack of flashcards in front of her. "This is a very serious, yet common friendship problem. As such, there are a vast number of ways for you to deal with it. I personally recommend moving your friend out of your friendship zone for a short while, then inviting her back in again."

"Wait, what?" Rainbow asked utterly confused.

"Taking a while to cool down has proven to work wonders in restoring strained friendships." Twilight went on. "In most cases this is the result of a misunderstanding, stubbornness or a foalish decision. Both sides feel equally hurt, leading to potential tension between them. However, after a brief separation, both sides are likely to realize their mistakes and reconcile their differences once given an opportunity!"

"Err, I don't know, Twilight, that doesn't sound right." Rainbow Dash didn't seem at all convinced. "Are you sure about it?"

"Perfect!" Twilight clapped her hooves together. "It works wonderfully! And you’re sure that everypony knows about the Friendship and Magic Hotline Assistance Booths?"

"Yes, Twilight, I’m sure! You had me and the girls place them around town all week long!" There was no mistaking the level of annoyance in Rainbow's words. "There isn't a pony in Equestria that hasn't heard about them!"

"Great! If this works, I'll be able to solve Friendship and Magic problems throughout Equestria!" Princess Celestia will be so proud! I can't wait to give her my first Friendship and Magic Hotline statistic! That way she'll see first hoof how serious I'm taking my responsibility as Princess of Friendship!

Suddenly the voice crystal started flashing a bright purple. Already? This is so exciting! Twilight beamed with joy. Ten seconds after the test run she was getting her very first real call!

"Hello, you have reached the Friendship and Magic hotline!" Twilight began. "This is Princess Twilight Sparkle speaking—"

"Yes, hello, darling." The caller interrupted her. "Could you please send Spikey-wikey for a few hours, please? My last collection has exhausted my supply of gems and I simply cannot start work on my next without an adequate amount."

"Rarity!" Twilight grumbled. "This is a Friendship and Magic hotline, not a fashion hotline!"

"My fashion is magic, darling." Came the confident response. "Furthermore, I shall require you to pass by the boutique to get the thing for the pony."

"The what for the what?" Twilight blinked, completely forgetting she was supposed to be annoyed. Did I place an order of any sort? She certainly didn't remember that happening. All the work on the Friendship hotline had her slightly distracted, so it wasn't out if the question she had asked Rarity to do something for her, then completely forgotten about it.

"The thing," Rarity repeated. "For your apprentice."

"Rarity, what are you talking about?" This is ridiculous! What does Starlight have to do with anything? "Oooh!" She suddenly remembered. "You mean the dress?"

"Please try to be discrete, darling." Rarity sighed loudly. "And don't forget to bring Spikey-wikey."

Before Twilight could put in a word the conversation was over. Well, this is just great! She was on the verge of changing Equestrian history and Rarity was bothering her with something as trivial as fashion? Any reasonable mare would simply ignore such a request. That's what she should do! For nearly a minute Twilight stood there looking at the voice crystal, hoping for its support. If a pony, any pony, were to call now and ask for advice she would have no choice but to help. Unfortunately, nothing of the sort happened.

"Fine, you win, Rarity!" Twilight said begrudgingly. "Starlight!" she yelled loudly. She might be going to the Carousel Boutique, but she certainly wasn't leaving her apparatus unattended, and if Spike had to go carry Rarity's gems, somepony had to keep an eye on things. “Starlight!” The Princess yelled louder. still no response. Huffing, Twilight trotted outside. She was hoping that her yell had at least attracted her pupil's attention. Instead, she saw a guilty-looking Spike who was attempting to place a badly written sign above the door. Oh, Spike. Twilight hid her giggle behind a hoof, then effortlessly levitated the sign to its proper place.

"There you go, Spike." She smiled. Despite the frequent sarcasm and the occasional mess, Spike put a lot of effort in his work. "Have you seen Starlight?"

"She said she was going to get some breakfast." He paused for a moment. "I think. If you want I can go find—" a blue flash of light popped in front of him, along with Starlight Glimmer, "—her."

"Here!" Starlight quickly said. "I'm here! Just needed a while to get my mane done."

The excuse of the week. Both Twilight and Spike rolled their eyes. There was hardly anything shameful in admitting somepony was getting lost in the castle, even after all this time. For some reason, however, Starlight took it personally, and kept on inventing absurd excuses. Last week had been ‘checking her Friendship notes’.

"Well," Twilight coughed. "Starlight, I'd like you to keep an eye on the Friendship and Magic Hotline Assistance Room."

Starlight stared at her blankly.

"Twilight's Friendship Hotline," Spike whispered.

"Ahem!" Twilight gave the dragon a warning glare. "As I was saying, Spike and I will out for a few hours and I'd like you to be here should anypony call in the meantime." Starlight's expression stretched in fear. "I'm aware that you are not fully prepared to deal with all friendship problems yet, but this is a good opportunity for you to get some hooves on experience!" Starlight cowered, shivering as her fear transformed into unadulterated horror. "And just in case, I have written down the answers to all common questions, should you have any trouble."

"Isn't that nice," Starlight laughed tensely, taking a few steps back. "So very thoughtful, as always. Such a pity that I must finish writing that friendship report you wanted..."

"Nonsense!" Twilight smiled. "You can finish it after I return."

Starlight's ears drooped. She knew when she was defeated. Taking a deep breath, she walked past Twilight and Spike into the room.

"This is the voice crystal." Twilight wasted no time to start explaining. "If it starts glowing purple just tap it and you'll be able to talk with the pony on the other end. Remember, always to introduce yourself and state the reason you are here."

"Sounds simple enough—"

"And remember never to rush them! The secret to helping somepony is to understanding what they are going through."

"That makes sense, but—"

"And look at the statistics I've assembled to determine the best advice possible, and be sure to fill out a simple form after each call." Twilight patted her on the shoulder. "I'm sure you'll do fine."

"But what if—" A flash of purple filled the room before Starlight could finish. A split second later, Twilight and Spike were gone. "Okay..." The pony looked nervously at the voice crystal. "How hard could it be?" Drops of sweat appeared on her forehead. "Just answer the crystal and talk about friendship problems. It's not the end of Equestria.” She let out another tense laugh. “Besides, Twilight just set this up. It's not like anypony would start using it right away."

As if to prove her wrong, the crystal started flashing purple. If there was a worst possible outcome this was it. For ten seconds Starlight just stood there still as a statue. The flashing persisted. Whoever was calling had no intent of quitting.

"Just my luck," Starlight sighed. Taking a deep breath she tapped on the crystal. "Hello, this is Twilight's Friendship Hotline. How may I help you?"

Author's Note

On to something new.
Any advice, comments and suggestions welcome :)

2. Three Calls and a Scare
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

2. Three Calls and a Scare

"Hello?" The voice was closer to a frightened squeak than anything else.

"Yes, hello?" Starlight moved closer to the crystal. I knew I should have asked Twilight about the volume settings of this thing. Maybe there's something in her notes?

"Umm, I'm not sure I should be using this," the voice went one. More a filly than a mare, by the sound of it. "This is, umm, a bit uncomfortable."

"Mmhmm." A storm of papers scrolls and flashcards levitated throughout the room, as Starlight tried to find any relevant instructions. Knowing Twilight, there had to be a user manual somewhere. Where is it?!

"It's embarrassing, but I have this magic problem..."

Magic problem?! Starlight's ears shot up. She felt as if the weight of a mountain had been taken off her back. This changed everything! Magic problems she could deal with, she was good at that! In all of Equestria there were a dozen ponies at most that surpassed her level.

"What exactly seems to be the problem, Miss?" This is one area I can't mess up! Hastily she put back the cards and other Twilight materials in their proper place.

"Well, you see... oh I really can't say it out loud!" The caller sounded like she was about to quit.

"Miss?" Please don't go! I don't want to mess this up. What did Twilight tell me about times like these? Deep, breath, calm and relaxed, yadda, yadda... Argh! Why aren't we face to face? I could hypnotize her into telling me what's wrong! "Miss, what is your name?"

"Toffee Shine," the other said hesitantly.

"Hello, Toffee, I am Starlight." So far, so good. I must just keep her talking. "There's nothing to worry about. Princess Sparkle made this device so that you could ask for help. As well as show off in front of Celestia. "Whatever you say will remain between you and me."

"R-r-r-really?"

"Absolutely!" Starlight smiled out of habit. Who knew that my experience brainwashing ponies would come in handy? "Now don't be ashamed and tell me exactly what the problem is."

"Well, I..." Whatever the issue was, it obviously was bothering the Toffee. The fear, the slight stuttering, the reluctance to share... combined with magic, there could only be a few things that came to mind. "I have problems levitating objects!"

"What?" Starlight almost fell off her chair. Talk about anticlimactic. "Exactly how old are you, Toffee?"

"I'm over twenty," the called squeaked back in shame.

"Why so ashamed then? It's not like you're a filly and—" Starlight suddenly stopped. Oooh! I see! A unicorn mare having levitation problems was considered shameful. In most cases the condition was hereditary and required weekly therapy. In Toffee's case, however, Starlight suspected the cause to be a more recent development. "Have you been in contact with any cursed artifacts or suspicious ponies recently?"

"Umm, I don't think so?" The tone in which this was said clearly told Starlight the answer was yes. "At least, I don't think I have." Uh-ha. Sure you haven't. Nopony ever has.

"Toffee, I'll ask you to do something." Starlight moved closer to the voice crystal. "Can you do that for me?"

"Err, okay? Will it hurt?"

"Of course not." No promises. "Do you have any small objects nearby? A pebble, a bit, anything of that size." Based on the information so far there were a number of possibilities. Focusing on the less exotic, three options stood out: a disabling spell, a mana deficiency, or some sort of a horn ailment. Having Toffee levitate a small object would clearly show which of the three it was.

"Is a glass marble okay?" Toffee's voice sounded further back.

"It's fine. Just put it on the ground in front of you and try using your horn to push it down." If she feels a sharp pain then it has to be a disabling spell. Otherwise, probably something wrong with Toffee's mana flow.

"Can I use my wing instead?" A hint of annoyance came through the voice crystal.

Starlight sighed. "No, you have to use magic so I can find the nature of the problem," Starlight explained patiently. My first caller and she's an idiot. Why can't ponies understand that in order to test magic, they need to— Starlight stopped. Only now did it dawn upon her. The caller was lying. "Wait! You have wings?!"

"Err, yes?" Toffee replied innocently. "Is that bad?"

"Pegasi can't levitate!" Unless you consider flying a form of levitation. "We've been talking about levitation spells all this time and you didn't bother to tell me you aren't a unicorn?!"

"Oops, heh heh. My bad." The voice crystal lost its glow. The conversation had ended.

For over a minute Starlight just stared blankly, her mind refusing to believe what had happened. Levitation problems, pegasus... Was I pranked just now? The very first call and somepony used the Friendship Hotline for a prank? This was... quite impressive, to be honest. Who even knew it was functional, let alone had the courage to use it? Given a choice, Starlight wouldn't, and she was Princess Twilight's pupil.

"You know what," she said looking at the voice crystal. "I'm not even mad." Toffee Shine, eh? Well, I'll be sure to ask around town about you. Sooner or later I will find you and then we’ll see whose pranks are better.

Thoughts of counter-pranks started circulating through her mind, each more devious than the last. With a few adjustments to the original voice crystal spell, Starlight could easily give any future prankster quite the shocking experience. All she had to do was—

The crystal started flashing again. Starlight's hoof reacted on its own accord tapping the hard surface.

"Toffee?" she asked without thinking,

"Starlight?" The voice of a quite shocked and slightly disappointed Twilight came from the other end.

Oh, horseapples! The unicorn bit her lip. "Why, Twilight, how are you? So good to hear you. Is everything going well?"

"It seems to be going better than where you are!" The Princess wasn't mincing words. "I thought I could rely on you!"

"You could. You can." Starlight grabbed the voice crystal, moving it closer to her mouth. I hate when this happens! "I just—"

"What if this had been a real call?" Twilight cut her short. So much for excuses and explanations. "Do you imagine what could have happened? Not only would the pony seeking help feel confused and ignored, but the experience would erode trust in the hotline as a whole!"

"Yes. Right. I know." Maybe I shouldn't mention the crank call just now. After all, it's not like anypony got hurt or anything. "And I'm sorry. I just was so impressed by the magnificent work you've done, that I completely forgot what I was doing. It's such a breathtaking achievement!"

"Hmm," Twilight said, obviously not convinced. If there was one thing Starlight knew, however, it was how to use flattery to her advantage.

"Such a bold and innovative approach is certain to change Equestria for the generations to come!" The unicorn brushed the sweat off her forehead. "Why, even Princess Celestia uses the old method of dragon mail."

"I know, right!" Twilight's joyful intonation made Starlight relax. "It's high time we moved to more modern methods! I've already arranged Friendship and Magic Hotline Assistance Booths to be placed in other cities! As soon as this picks up it will become the best thing ever!"

Other cities? Please be joking! "That's nice." Starlight swallowed. "I guess you have your work cut out for you..."

"Oh, don't be so modest, Starlight! You're part of this as well." The words made Starlight’s mane stand on edge. "You are my pupil, after all."

"How nice." Damn it!

"Anyway, I'm just calling to check if everything's fine. I mentioned the hotline to a few ponies and think I managed to convince them to give it a try!" Twilight sounded dangerously enthusiastic. "With luck some of them might be calling in a matter of minutes!"

"Great..." Starlight's ears fell flat on her head.

"Just remember the proper greeting and be sure to take lots of notes! I'll be back in a few hours to check on your progress!" And just like that, the crystal went colorless.

“Check on my progress…” Starlight repeated gloomily.

That was the problem with Twilight. When she became obsessed with something, she always went all out. The get-to-know-my-friends mania, the make-some-friends-of-your-own mania... This was just another example, and while Starlight was grateful she had dodged a lightning bolt, she couldn't help but feel a sense of impending doom. Maybe it wasn't too late to cast a—

*Flash* *Flash* *Flash*

Argh! Starlight felt like slamming her head against the desk. Here we go again. Eyeing the crystal as if it were her mortal enemy, she gave it a hard tap.

"Hello and welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline," she said, every word dripping with false politeness. "This is Starlight. How may I be of help?"

"Err, yes, hello." Another nervous caller by the sound of it. This time, Starlight didn't put her guard down. It was entirely possible for this to be another pranker. "I have a rather unusual problem."

"Yes?" The unicorn narrowed her eyes.

"I suppose you could call it a Friendship problem, although..." He called sighed audibly. "Anything I say is kept confidential, right?"

"Absolutely!" Heh, I wonder what big problem this one would come up with.

"Well, I suppose that's a relief. You see, I think I've been taking advantage of my friendship with certain ponies. A monstrous thing, I know, but I just can't help myself! It's all so easy." Easy? Easy?! All this time and I’ve managed to make precisely one new friend! Easy, eh? "And I know they’re suffering as a result."

"Huh?" Not wasting a moment, Starlight started going through Twilight's flashcards. Suffering as a result of friendship. Suffering. Did Twilight put this under S for Suffering or F for Friendship?

"You see... I'm a changeling." Starlight's initial reaction was to freeze. A changeling in Ponyville? This was serious! Twilight had warned her about them! They were vile, treacherous insects that fed on love, turning ponies into empty emotionless husks of their former selves. For one to be here it could well mean the start of a new invasion.

Wait a minute! Starlight came back to her senses. No way there was a changeling talking to her! Undoubtedly another prank. This one was far worse than the previous. Quite obvious, when one thought about it. Changelings. Ha! Well, Starlight wasn't having any more of that!

"Ha, ha! Very funny!" she grumbled, levitating the flashcards back down again. "Had me there for a moment."

"Let me assure you, I am a changeling." The caller insisted.

"Prove it!" Starlight crossed her forehooves.

"Very well," the pony on the other side sighed. Oh, this will be good! Starlight grinned. "Does this convince you?" The voice changed from male to female. Something more, it was Starlight's own voice, identical to the very last detail. "Or maybe this?" The voice shifted again, only now it sounded as if Twilight was speaking.

"By Starswirl's beard!" Starlight felt faint. This wasn't good. A changeling, a real live changeling was on the other side of the call, and was asking her for friendship advice! What was she supposed to do? She wasn't ready for this! She couldn't even deal with normal friendship problems! Nopony taught her a thing about changeling counseling!

"Do you want to hear my Celestia?" The changeling offered in its original male voice. "I do a really mean Celestia. I've even managed to get the sighs right."

"Err, no, thanks." What should I do? If I tell Twilight she'll freak out. Will she even believe me? There shouldn't be changelings in Ponyville! She'll probably think I'm making things up to avoid taking calls. And then she'll get all upset and sad, and start blaming herself...

"Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes!" Starlight jumped to attention, knocking the chair to the floor. "Yes I'm here." This is bad! This is really bad! As much as she didn't want to admit it, she was left with one remaining option. No doubt she would hate herself later, but right now she had to do this. "What seems to be your problem?" Starlight asked tensely.

Author's Note

Let the confusion begin.
Comments, thoughts and suggestions appreciated :)

3. A Changeling's Problem
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

3. A Changeling's Problem

"I've no idea how it started," the changeling said. "I didn't seem a big deal at first. Guess I was in denial."

"Uh-huh," Starlight said absentmindedly. The more she could learn about the changeling, the better. A few identities and an address would be nice. "Err, what did you say your name was?"

"Oh, sorry. Just call me Shifty."

Drat! As name as nature, apparently. Starlight had hoped for something more usable. Maybe it would be a good idea to send a message to Twilight about this? Carousel Boutique was too far away, but Starlight could easily teleport a scroll outside the castle for anypony to find. Curious as Ponyvillians were, they'd pick it up, read it, and take it to its destination. All she needed was to be sure it was properly addressed.

"Just give me a moment, Shifty." Starlight grabbed the first empty piece of paper she could find. Her first thought was to go with something simple and to the point. The changelings are here! seemed a good option, though possibly a bit laconic. Twilight was smart, she'd probably figure it out in an instant. Unless she overreacted again… which she was prone to doing. Starlight shivered at the mental image. On second thought, it sounds like a threat. Twilight might enter panic mode and that’s more destructive than the changeling itself.

Maybe something more formal? Twilight loved that stuff. Dear Princess Twilight, I hope this letter finds you in good health. That was elevated, and refined, and far too cringeworthy for Starlight to bear. No! No way I'm writing that! Even if Ponyville is overrun by—

"Is everything alright?" the changeling asked. "I can hear paper shuffling. Are you writing our conversation down?"

Damn the changelings and their extreme hearing! "Just writing down the time and date of the call," Starlight lied without hesitation. Another skill of her past that turned out useful at times. "Procedure."

"Oh, right." Thank Celestia he's an idiot, she thought.

When in doubt, copy. Twilight used to write to Princess Celestia a lot. I'll just use her letters as a template. The quill moved about, putting Starlight's thoughts on paper.

Dear Princess Twilight,

Today I learned that there’s a changeling in Ponyville!

Your faithful student, Starlight Glimmer.

Not the best letter, but it would have to do. Concentrating, Starlight teleported it as far outside as she could. Now a pony just had to find it and take it to the Princess. Easy as pie.

"All done." The unicorn smiled to the voice crystal. "Now, what exactly is your friendship problem?"

"Well, simply put... I guess you can say that... strictly speaking..." Shifty started stalling. For some reason he didn't want to get to the point. His reluctance made Starlight curious. "You see... I'm obese."

"That's interesting," Starlight said automatically. "What do you thin—" she stopped, grasping the absurdity of what she had just heard. "Wait, what?! You are fat? That's it?!"

"No need to rub it in!" the changeling grumbled. "Not my fault everypony in Ponyville is so lovable! When I took the assignment I started with two. That gave me enough calories to get by, but not half as much info. From there I decided to expand. Just a bit, I told myself. I got to five and things started really going downhill."

"You're feeding off... *ahem* I mean, you're in close relations with five ponies?" Way to go, Shifty! That is, if you weren't a changeling.

"No." the changeling let out a deep sigh. "Not five ponies… five identities. I'm in close relations with over a dozen ponies."

"... wow!" Starlight only managed to say. She was shocked, impressed and envious at the same time. A dozen ponies. That was... that was bonkers! Some creatures get all the luck! she grumbled to herself.

"I know!" Was Shifty crying? "I never expected it to get this bad. I've always had a fast metabolism, so I thought 'sure, I can handle a few more'. Look at me now! I'm as fat as a Princess after breakfast!" The image made Starlight cringe. "I spend half my time running from place to place to burn off calories and it still doesn't help! And you know what the worst part is?"

"Err, no." I bet you fell in love, but your special somepony left you because you're fat.

"The fatter I become, the more they love me!" the changeling sobbed. "If things continue I'll turn into a ball of blubber by the end of the year!"

"Mmhmm." Starlight placed both hooves on her mouth as she tried to stifle her laughter.

"The weddings didn't help either," he went on. "Even my parents in law are nice to me. I really don't know what I must do."

"Parents in law?" Starlight blinked.

"I have two wives, one husband and a fiancé," Shifty explained, making Starlight gape at the crystal in disbelief. "Expecting a child in a week or two."

"Ch... Ch... Child?!" Wait, what? How? Err?! "Hold on, a moment! You're a changeling with five identities, over a dozen close... friends, and you went on to get married three times?! Are you crazy?"

"I've got an eating problem, okay!" Shifty whimpered. "It's a medical condition! If I had a solution I wouldn't be calling you, would I?"

Technically, the changeling was right. However, eating disorder usually wasn't the first thing that came to mind upon hearing the phrase Friendship Hotline. Then again, maybe for a changeling it was one and the same. Sliding a hoof down her face Starlight started thinking. This certainly was a fine mess the changeling had gotten himself into. By all accounts she should be glad, gloating even. Instead she felt she wanted to help him. Two wives and a husband? Daaaamn, Shifty!

"Did you try, I don't know, ending one of your relationships?" Starlight suggested.

"Yes." Shifty sniffed. "And things got worse. The ponies in question missed me so much that their love towards me doubled. I had to patch up things just so that the flow of calories returned to previous levels."

"Ouch!"

"Tell me about it," Shifty sighed. "And I can't imagine how terrifying things will become when my children are born."

"Oh? They'll become some strange pony-changeling hybrid that will enslave the town, bending all to their will and then move on to try and conquer Equestria?" Starlight rubbed her chin. It sounded the logical progression of things. "And when they do they'll start fighting each other for total control, tearing the land apart until only smoldering rubble is left?"

"What? No!” A wave of shock and horror came through the voice crystal. "Lady, you've got issues. Why would you even imagine such things?"

Oops. "No reason." Starlight smiled guiltily. For once she was happy they weren't leading this conversation face to face. She would have died of embarrassment otherwise.

"It's an urban myth that a changeling's child is a hybrid," Shifty explained. "I don't blame you. Our propaganda divisions have been spreading those rumours for generations. Truth is, any child I have is exactly the same as the species I shift into."

"Oh?" That's interesting. I never knew changelings were perfect copies of what they were copying. Maybe I should get a changeling friend?

"Only royals can breed new changelings, and yes, those are hatched from eggs."

"Right." This changed things considerably. So much for the conquest of Equestria theories. "So more children means more love you get?"

"Yep. And if that's not enough, I think Princess Twilight has started giving me the eye. Just five minutes ago, she—" The changeling was suddenly interrupted by the sound of Starlight falling off her chair and crashing to the floor. If anything she never imagined Twilight to be the flirty type. "Err, are you okay? It sounded like something crashed—"

"Technical difficulties." Starlight scrambled to get back up. "New hotline and all. Can you just repeat that last bit? Sounded like Twilight was... flirting with you?"

"Oh, I wish it was flirting," the changeling snorted. "If she wasn't a passive bookworm she'd be all over me by now. Which still could happen, if I'm not careful. Don't get me wrong, she's nice and all, but being the coltfriend of the Princess of Friendship... I'll die of overeating in a month."

"Well, I guess it could be worse," Starlight mused. "Could have been Princess Cadence."

A gasp of cold horror came through the voice crystal. "Don't even joke about that. Why do you think nobug has volunteered to infiltrate the Crystal Empire?"

"Point taken." Looking at it that way, it's quite scary. "So Twilight, eh? How did that happen? I didn't even know she had a type."

"There are certain advantages to being a changeling," Shifty said smugly. "I get to know what everypony's preferences are. You're right, though, Twilight, has rather... specific and well organized tastes, let's say. Ironically it's my weight problem that's kept me safe so far."

"That sounds like cheating." Why can't I do a trick like that? Surely there must be a spell somewhere about this?

"Don't blame me, it's natural instinct. I change into something that would be liked, both for food and survival. Can't beat those odds." He sounded too pleased about it. "And as you've seen, it comes with its risks."

"And no one at home can help you?" I wonder what Shifty looks like. The aren't that many fat ponies around. I should start asking about them.

"Are you kidding?" he laughed. "I haven't been sending reports for months! The moment the hive learns about this, they'll extract me and put me on a diet of cold sympathy for years! I might have a slight weight problem, but I enjoy eating. The food here is the best I've ever had! Better than Canterlot even! Do you know what it's like having to live on of cold sympathy for months? The taste is worse than week old stale muffins!"

"Yuck!" Still, you did admit you had an eating problem. I can work with that.

"And the ridicule I'll get." Shifty went on. "Despite all the stories about the hivemind being one, and all that, it's not true. The mind is just a thought network. Close to your hotline in a way. You connect, you can listen in and share as many thoughts as you wish. That's it. And let me tell you, most changelings are an envious bunch."

"Riiiight..." Says the one with two wives, a husband, a fiancé, who is also being hit on by Twilight. "Well, I think I've got an solution for you."

"Really?!" There was so much enthusiasm in the voice that for a moment Starlight wondered if this wasn't another prank call.

"Err, yes, really." I'll hate myself for doing this, but he sound like a nice bug. Guess I'll risk it. Besides, Twilight is always going on about how I should make new friends. "But your indiscriminate love-feeding must stop! Give the rest of us a chance, okay?" No, no, no! I didn't mean to say that! It came out all wrong!

"Hmm." The changeling hesitated. Typical glutton. He acknowledged his eating problem, but at the same time didn't want to stop. "Very well." The words were spoken with bitterness. "What do I do?"

"Give your excess love away," Starlight stated.

"Err?"

"If for you emotion is food, then food must also be emotion. All you have to do is to give it away and all will be fine."

There was a long moment of silence. If the Crystal wasn't glowing Starlight would have thought that the changeling had left.

"It doesn't work that way," he finally said. "Good try, but I can't give it away. Not that I don't want to. It just can't happen. You ponies just can't consume emotions. Not in that way. I love my husband and wives a lot, but that still doesn't change a thing."

"Who said anything about ponies?" Starlight was feeling pleased with herself.

"If not ponies, then..." The changeling stopped. Obviously he had caught on. "No! Are you crazy? There's no way I'm going back to the hive! They'll never let me come back to Ponyville!"

"Then don't go back to the hive. All you need is to find a changeling or two that could feel off your excess. Since you are an envious bunch, as you said, I bet they'll keep the arrangement a secret."

"Hmm." Shifty didn't sound entirely convinced. "Well, at this point I'm willing to try anything. It might work, I guess." He paused again. "If anything, I'll see the results soon enough."

"There you have it! Be sure to let me know how it goes." And you better tell me some juicy gossip next time!

"Will do. Thanks, Starlight! This hotline thing might be a good idea after all." If nothing else, Shifty certainly sounded hopeful. "I guess, I should prepare for more Twilight tail flicks then," he laughed. "See you."

"That's right, Shifty." Starlight nodded. "Get ready for those Twilight tail flicks... Wait, what?" She grabbed the voice Crystal with both hooves, but it was too late. The call had just ended.

4. A Hooffull of Fillies
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

4. A Hooffull of Fillies

Tail flicks. Tail flicks... Half an hour had passed and Starlight still couldn't get the image out of her mind. It sounded so wrong! Twilight was the last pony she'd expect to do something of the sort. The Princess was a hopeless bookworm with incredibly high standards, a total neat freak, that furthermore had a serious mentor complex! There was no way that she could find anypony to call her own special somep—

"Stars!" A chilling thought came to mind. "I'm describing Sunburst." There was no mistake — Starlight's childhood friend was a male version of Twilight, minus the wings, of course. The two shared an alarming amount of traits. His practical magic wasn't as good as Twilight's, but his love of books was just as freaky, and he did have his own peculiar way of arranging things... Gasping internally in horror, Starlight bit her lip. She could see those two hitting it off! A single book quote was all it took to light the spark. Then they would start discussing books, comparing theories, rearranging the library together. In a few months they would have the most well organized wedding, make the most awkward vows, then start living together. They'd have the most nerdy and organized children, that would grow up and start making friends using a new and improved friend-algorithm...

"Those two should never be allowed at the same place for more than ten seconds," Starlight whispered darkly. Not that she was jealous of Twilight. Sunburst was just a friend, she never thought of him as somepony special. Still, if she did at some point, it was only fair that she should have him! They had known each other since childhood, which was far longer than the Princess had! Actually, she should have a long talk with Twilight and let her know how things stoo—

The voice crystal started blinking.

"Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline!" Starlight instantly tapped on the crystal. "This is Starlight Glimmer speaking, how may I help you?"

"Wow!" A very impressed filly's voice came through. "This sounds so professional."

"Why, thank you." Starlight felt a sense of pride. Not that she ever doubted she would do a good job. It's all in the voice, after all. "And who is this calli—"

"Hey, girls, this is really professional!" the filly on the other side shouted, causing Starlight to duck for cover. What the hay was that?! "Just like the diamond store in Manehatten."

Oh. Sorry I asked. "Hello, Diamond Tiara." Starlight did her best not to sigh. One of the first ponies she had gotten to know after moving to Ponyville was that filly. And with good reason. If there ever were a pony to try and take over Equestria in ten years, it would be none other than her.

"Wow! You even know who I am!" Diamond Tiara said excitedly. Starlight braced herself. "Hey, girls, the crystal even knows who I am! What did I tell you? Professional! I must get daddy to buy me one of these things."

"Hey! We were suppose to call for help!" another voice said. For some reason, it too sounded familiar.

"Sweetie Belle?" Starlight asked without thinking.

"Did you see that?" Diamond Tiara shouted. Starlight could tell the filly was hopping with excitement. "It recognized you too!" Please don't say it, please don't say it! Starlight's ears shot down in an attempt to glue themselves to her head. "Professionalism!"

"Yes," an astonished Sweetie Belle agreed. "It did..."

"Glimmer crystal," Diamond Tiara began. "I demand that you tell me how to resolve our friendship problem!" the filly ordered.

Why that little... Starlight had half a mind to teleport to Diamond and give her a piece of her mind. Being nice was one thing, having to endure spoilt little brats that thought they could order her around was totally out of the question!

"It doesn't work like that, Di," a new voice said. By the amount of annoyance it was obvious this one had some vague idea how the hotline was supposed to function.

"Oh? And how does it work, Silver?" Diamond Tiara humphed.

"For one thing you must say what the problem actually is," the other filly explained. "Remember this is a Friendship and Magic hotline."

"Pfft! Silly Silver, it knows what my problem is!" Diamond Tiara said confidently.

It was so tempting to magic the filly's cutie-mark and throw it down a well. At least that way Diamond Tiara would stop thinking she's the greatest thing since Starswirl! If only Starlight hadn't promised never to steal cutie-marks again.

"Diamond, will you just tell me what exactly your friendship problem is?" Starlight said through her teeth.

"Ha! See! I told you it knows!" The filly shouted victorious. "Glimmer crystal, tell me how to help Scootaloo!"

"Listen, Diamond," Starlight's patience was running thin, "I am not a glimmer crystal. I'm Starlight Glimmer, and I would appreciate if you didn't treat me like one of your servants!"

"Touchy," the filly grumbled.

Stay calm. I must stay calm. She's just a filly. A rotten to the core, spoilt, good for nothing filly. Even she deserves a second chance. Twilight gave me a second chance, so I'll be responsible and give her a second chance.

"Alright, starlight glimmer crystal, tell me how to solve Scootaloo's friendship problem!"

"For crying out loud!" Starlight hit the crystal. Enough was enough! If Twilight would get upset, so be it! A quickly flash and the unicorn was out of the castle. Where are you, wretched filly? As far as she knew there were twenty three Friendship Booths in and around Ponyville. With that amount of fillies it was most likely they were at one of two places: school or Sugarcube Corner.

Personally, Starlight didn't like going near the school. Cheerilee reminded her far too much of her own teacher, and unlike the foals in Ponyvylle, Starlight's school experience hadn't been too pleasant. The thought of having to approach it made her skin crawl. Suragcube Corner it is, she told herself. Three teleport flashes later she arrived at her destination.

Sugarcube Corner — a simple bakery that represented the hub of Ponyville. Twilight had managed to get the Cakes to agree to have a Friendship Booth inside the building itself. Originally, they had been against the idea, but some clever negotiation, and help from Pinkie Pie, had convinced them that it would be good for business. The moment she entered the door Starlight knew she was at the right place. In the far corner of the room, grouped in front of the booth, a group of fillies stood arguing. Among them, Starlight instantly recognized Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom as well as Diamond Tiara.

"Starlight glimmer crystal!" The pink filly shouted loudly. "Tell me how—"

"Oh, for Stars' sake!" Starlight hissed under her breath and teleported among the fillies. Surprised by her sudden appearance, several of them jumped back with frightened eeps, and one even plopping on the floor. "What did I tell you about shouting orders?" She glared at Diamond Tiara, nostrils flaring.

"A...a unicorn?" The filly stuttered. That's it, kid! Feel the fear! Starlight smiled. "So... so professional!" She shouted brimming with enthusiasm.

"Yes, and—" Starlight stopped mid sentence. "Wait, what?!" This wasn't how things were supposed to go! The filly should be shivering with fear right now, not hopping with joy.

"What did I tell you, girls?" Diamond raised her chin up high giving her friends a confident look of unmistakable superiority. "The crystal sent a unicorn to guide me through the process. I'm so having daddy buy me one!"

"What? No! The crystal didn't send—" Starlight felt another headache coming on. Maybe it wasn't too late to conquer Ponyville and brainwash all the fillies? Or maybe just Diamond Tiara? Just one little brainwashed monster, Twilight. Just one. Nopony will ever know. "Fine, whatever!" She snorted. The filly wasn't worth the trouble. "Yes, the crystal sent me, yadda yadda. Now what's the problem?" Next time, I'm so dumping this on Spike!

"Scootaloo has a friendship problem." Diamond Tiara didn't bat an eyelid.

"What sort of problem," Starlight sighed drearily, going through the motions. This is going to be long and unpleasant.

"She doesn't have any." The filly said, flashing the largest smile she was capable of.

"Hey!" Apple Bloom shoved her. Well, that's one friend see she has. You show her, AB! Don't worry, I'll explain everything away if things get too rough. The corner of Starlight's mouth curved in a smile. "Doncha be saying what ain't true! Scootaloo's got fiends! We're her friends! She's just too stubborn ta see us, is all!"

"Oh." Diamond Tiara didn't look at all concerned with mistake. "Well, how was I supposed to know?" She humphed again. "It's not like you tried to do anything about it! It was my idea to use the Friendship and Magic Hotline Assistance Booth!"

"Quiet!" Starlight shouted. I can't believe that an airhead like you managed to memorize the stupid name. "It doesn't matter who, what, where, when or how! What's important is that Scootaloo has the problem and not you!" The statement made no sense whatsoever, but was enough to get the fillies to look at the floor ashamed. All in the voice. Starlight smiled slightly. "So, what's wrong with her? Sweetie Belle?"

"Weeeell." The white filly swallowed. "After Rainbow Dash was made a Wonderbolt, Scootaloo got really sad that she won't see her as much as before. We tried to cheer her up. Bought her posters, put Rainbow stickers on her scooter, we even had Pinkie Pie organize a party. Scoots didn't even smile. She just thanked us and said she had work to do."

Oh. That was not what Starlight expected. The explanation felt like a kick in the stomach. She had come here half-expecting a prank call, only to find something different. This was a friendship problem, a real friendship problem that Starlight knew all too well. The same had happened to her long ago. And while she couldn't see Scootaloo setting off on a crusade to conquer Equestria, she could sympathize.

What should I do? Starlight wondered. I'm not trained to deal with something this big. But I can't just ignore it. That would scar the filly for life. What do I do? If there was a way for her to cast a time spell and avoid this conversation she definitely would. Slowly, she started taking a step back. Now was a good time to leave quietly and—

"Mith?" A red maned filly tugged Starlight's tail. "Can you talk to Thcootaloo? Pleathe?"

Damn it! "I'd love to, but that wouldn't be professional." Stupid Diamond brat! Now you got me using this as an excuse. "If Scootaloo really wants help she must use the Friendship Hotline and call me. That's something only she can decide." I really hate myself now.

The fillies remained silent. Even the annoying Diamond Tiara seemed to have lost interest in asking bossy questions. No mistake, they were concerned about their friend, and far more than Starlight gave them credit for. She had been so blinded by the fact that they were fillies to consider how deep their connection was. At their age, friendship and cutie-marks meant everything. When a friend was hurting the pain was shared. Scootaloo's friends had done everything possible to cheer her up, then when all had failed, had taken a chance on something completely unknown. It must have taken a lot of courage and desperation for them to use a Friendship Booth. And the worst part — Starlight was thinking up excuses not to help them.

I can't get involved in this, I just can't! Slowly she made her way through the the silence. They'll find a way on their own. And if they don't, Twilight will help. She's good at solving friendship problems, she'll solve this one too... when she finds out about it.

"You know what?" Starlight turned around. Her stomach curled up. She knew she was going to make the biggest mistake of her life. "Take the voice crystal and give it to Scootaloo. I'll..." Just say it! "I'll be waiting for her call."

5. Scootaloo's Problem
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

5. Scootaloo's Problem

"I'm an idiot!" Starlight flopped on the desk. "A complete idiot!" There were dozens of things she could have done, hundreds of excuses that she could have used to create the impression she had actually helped. As a final resort, she could even have magicked away their memories, although that might have been a bit extreme. Instead, she had been suckered into promise real advice.

What sort of help can I offer? Her hoof dragged along the wooden surface. Get better? If in trouble, conquer Equestria? Get a pet owl? She sighed deeply. The best she could hope for was that Twilight would return quickly. Then, everything would fall in place and—

*blink* *blink* *blink*

I hate karma. Starlight groaned, looked helplessly at the voice crystal for a few moments, then stood up and tapped it gently. "Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline." I must sound calm and collected. "This is Starlight Glimmer, how may I be of help?"

"Err, hello?" a scared voice asked. Starlight felt her heart tighten. Please give up! Please give up! The responsibility is crushing me! "Do you think—"

"Before you say anything, Let me just tell you a story." Starlight cut her off. "A long time ago, in a village far away, there lived a young filly. Although there were other foals her age, the filly didn't play with them. She only had one true friend with whom she spent all her time." I can't believe I'm telling my life's story to a filly I barely know! I really, really hope it helps. "One day, as the filly was playing with her friend, something happened. Her friend got his cutie-mark. Now, many would say this was a happy occasion, but it wasn't! It was the cruelest, most terrible day of the filly's life! Because of that cutie-mark her friend got whisked away from her and sent to the School for Gifted Unicorns, leaving her absolutely alone for ten long years!"

Starlight could feel the rage seeping into her as she spoke. What happened to her was inexcusable! How dare they take Sunburst from her?! All because of those stupid cutie-marks! She was right to conquer Equestria and spread the notion of cutie-mark equality! Only that would ensure universal happiness!

"The Wonderbolts took your friend away from you!" Starlight said gripping the voice crystal tightly with her magic. "For that they must pay! Never again will they steal what is closest to us! Together will shall go back in time to the day the Wonderbolts were formed and change things! We shall track down every pegasus that had something to do with this abomination and freeze their wings so they never—"

"Umm, I think I know why I can't do magic," the voice interrupted. "I think it's because I got flour on my head."

Huh? What? "Toffee?" Starlight blinked, surprised. Stars! I didn't just rant everything to Toffee, of all ponies!

"Hello, Miss Starlight," the voice said. Starlight's face turned beet red with shame.

"Hello, Toffee," the unicorn coughed. "Did you happen to hear what I just said?" she asked gingerly. Stars, please say no!

"Umm, something about a filly going to the S.G.U., then traveling through time to become the first Wonderbolt?" There were a few moments of silence. "Sorry, the story didn't make much sense..."

"No worries, no worries." Starlight wiped the sweat off her face. This was too close for comfort. Thank Celestia that the airhead didn't pay much attention. "So, what did you say your problem was?"

"Umm, I have trouble levitating things?" Toffee reminded. "I think it's because I get flour in my mane, right after—"

"Dear, you are a pegasus," Starlight explained. She was still in a good mood after the recent scare, so she didn't shout. If the call continued for much longer, however, she very well might. "You don't have that type of magic. Just go catch a wind of some sort and use it to lift objects."

"Wow! I never thought of that!" The caller sounded full of enthusiasm. "Thanks, Miss Starlight!"

"My pleasure, Toffee." This has to be the worst advice ever! I don't want to be in her hooves when her parents find out she's trashed their home. Catch a wind indeed. "Have a nice day, now."

Not waiting for a response, Starlight tapped the voice crystal, then, once she was sure it was no longer active, exhaled deeply. That could have gone better. Still, no point crying over cast spells. The important thing was that the crisis was averted and—

*blink* *blink* *blink*

"Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline." Starlight went into answer mode. "This is Starlight Glimmer, how may I be of help?"

"Starlight." Twilight's voice came from the other end. If the intonation was any indication, she didn't seem pleased. "I heard something quite interesting just now. Care to venture a guess what exactly?"

Hay! She must have heard my little maniacal speech. "Oh, I can't possibly imagine." Starlight started shuffling flash cards close to the voice crystal. "I've been reading all your instructions, so I—"

"Sweetie Belle just got here." Twilight was obviously having none of that. "Do you know what she told me? No?"

Silently, Starlight shook her head.

"Imagine my surprise when I learned you had teleported to the booth at Sugarcube Corner." Drat! I completely forgot about that! The unicorn bit her lip. "Teleporting, Starlight? Honestly? I thought we talked about this! Now, I know you want to help, but magic isn't always the answer. The reason we have Friendship and Magic Hotline Assistance Booths is so you don't have to be there in person. What if somepony had called while you were away?"

Exactly the same as if I were here taking a call. "Umm, sorry?"

"Hmpt!" Twilight's disapproval poured through the crystal. "I know you are looking forward to this, but we must try and be professional about it!"

"Absolutely." Argh! You had to use that word!

"Still, it's commendable that you are taking your duties so seriously!" A sudden wave of cheer filled the room along with the sound of hooves clapping together. "Not only did you reassure the fillies, but also had them give the voice crystal to Scootaloo! What a stroke of genius! I couldn't be prouder!"

"Why, thank you, Princess." Starlight beamed with joy. This was the first time Twilight had complimented her. I'm so writing this down! Twilight really is the best Friendship teacher ever!

"You earned it. And since you've shown such dedication I'm making you a full time hotline assistant! Now we'll be answering the hotline together! Isn't that exciting?!"

"Very." I take that back. Twilight is the worst! Starlight felt all her happiness be sucked away. She didn't want to be stuck with this as a job! It was supposed to be a two hour thing! Damn that Diamond Tiara! She and her annoying questions! First thing I'm doing when I'm not stuck here is to magic acne all over her face! Let's see how many friends she has left then! "So, will you be coming to the castle soon? I have to start on those friendship reports you wanted..."

"Just another hour or so," Twilight said casually, as a series of whispers became audible in the background. "Alright, I'll ask!" she hissed to somepony. More whispers. Starlight's ears turned towards the voice crystal. Sadly the sound was too faint for her to make anything out. "I'm trying to have an important conversation!" A heavy sigh, followed by more whispers. "No, that's not what I meant..."

What's that? An argument with Rarity? Or maybe something else? Curse it! I knew I shouldn't have skipped that voice amplification spell! How was I supposed to know it would be of any use?

"Yes, yes, I will." Twilight cleared her throat. "Starlight, what size horseshoes do you wear?"

"Err?" What kind of question is that? "Six and a half." She looked at her hoof. Oh please, don't take me roller skating! It don't want to go though that catastrophe again!

"Are you sure it isn't six?" Twilight pressured. "Really sure?"

"Err, yes, I am quite sure. Heh heh," Starlight let out a tense laugh. It's another ice skating bonding trip. I just know it! Twilight does them every three weeks. "Listen, Twilight, you really don't have to—"

"Anyway, must go now. See you in an hour, Starlight. And keep up the good work!" The voice crystal went dim.

"Wait, no!" Starlight shouted, but it was too late. Whatever scheme Twilight had planned was now fact. All she could do was hope that it was better than the last five. Ice skating really wasn't her thing. Rather, it would have been, if using magic had been allowed. Instead she had had to struggle keeping her balance while being the focus of attention. Pancakes did a better job staying in the air! The only thing amusing had been watching Angel Bunny skate circles round everypony.

Starlight giggled. That little bunny was the cutest pet ever. Fluttershy was so lucky to have him. On that note, maybe Starlight could ask for a pet as well. Of all the ponies in Twilight's group, she was the only one petless. What soft of pet should she go for? Something fluffy, but stern; sweet, but strong; menacing, but—

The treacherous crystal started blinking again.

"Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline." Starlight grabbed it. I'm starting to find this scarily natural... "This is Starlight Glimmer, how may I be of help?"

"Hello," a quiet, slightly raspy voice said. "This is Scootaloo."

Uh-oh. Starlight felt her stomach tie in knots. She had completely forgotten about this. "Hi, Scootaloo. Before you begin, I want to tell you a story. You see, once there there was this filly—"

"I'm not upset because of Rainbow Dash," the filly interrupted. "It's been her dream to become a Wonderbolt and now that she is she'll be way cooler. She even promised to take me to the academy soon! No way I'll get upset about that."

That was unexpected. It seemed Scootaloo wasn't in any need of assistance after all. Or was she? There was something in her voice, an almost unidentifiable sigh that Starlight knew only too well. She summoned a mug of cocoa on the table and took a sip. Nothing like a bit of liquid courage.

"But?" She asked, taping the edges of the mug with her hooves.

"Well... Thing is..." Hesitation again. Why did everypony who called the Friendship Hotline hesitate so much? Well, all except that monster Diamond Tiara. "You won't tell anypony about this, right?"

"Not a soul!" Well, maybe Twilight. She is my teacher, so I guess I must tell her.

"Thing is, umm, there's this colt..." The sentence said it all. Oh, you're at that age, Starlight thought. She herself had skipped the entire romantic phase of her life, choosing to pursue questionable magic practices instead. Maybe if Sunburst hadn't been taken away things could have turned out different... Thinking about that, maybe she should go visit him sometime. The longer she delayed, the more likely it was that Twilight would snatch him from her; that is, if she didn't fall for the changeling first.

Focus! Starlight briskly shook her head. We're discussing Scootaloo here, not my potential love rival... life! My potential love life!

"So you're having a special friendship problem?" Starlight asked suggestively. Technically, this was Cadence's area of expertise, but her curiosity got the better of her. "And you don't want your friends to know."

"Well yeah." The answer was mixed with a deep-felt sigh. "I don't want to seem lame. Mushy stuff looks cool when you're Sweetie Belle or Apple Bloom, or even Diamond Tiara." Hearing that, Starlight cringed. Thanks! Now I have that image burned in my head. Diamond Tiara in love... You know what, I won't even go there! "When you're me... And I don't want him to think I'm... But each time he passes by... And I can't even fly..."

Well, that made no sense. "So, he's pretty special, I take it?"

"You have no idea!" The yell almost deafened Starlight. "His fur is the cutest shade of blue, and the way he keeps his mane is really cool. And don't get me started on his wings!"

"I'll take your word for it," Starlight said quickly, massaging her left ear. Geez, filly! Learn some self control! "And that's why you're avoiding all your friends?"

"Kinda..." Starlight could swear she heard Scootaloo swallow on the other end of the call. "I haven't exactly spoken to him. See, I think he's cool and all, but he's from Cloudsdale. Some of them don't even set hoof on the ground. And me... I can't even fly."

"Peace of cake." Starlight rubbed her hooves. "I know this great spell that will make him obey your every word. All you have to do is—"

"What? No!" Scootaloo shouted in panic. "I don't want that! I've seen what love magic could do. Also, I'm no chicken! If I can represent Ponyville in the Equestrian games, I can deal with one colt! Even if it's Chip."

"Are you sure?" Starlight asked, hopeful. She very much wanted to cast a mind control spell. And since this one was for a good cause there was no way Twilight could be upset. "It's just a small—"

"I'll face my fears!" The filly sounded determined. "I'll go to him and tell him exactly what I think! That and I'll be cool about it so he doesn't even think of saying no!"

"Well, I guess that could work." This was so disappointing. Starlight narrowed her eyes as she tried to sip the last few drops of cocoa from her cup. Pity Scootaloo wasn't a unicorn. Then she would understand that Starlight's way was far more reliable. Actually, maybe Starlight should use that on Sunburst next time they met. That way he would be safe from Twilight's princessy clutches!

"Thanks, Miss Starlight! You've really helped me out! I can't believe I was so stupid!" A loud thumping sound reverberated through the voice crystal.

"Err, you're welcome..." What exactly did I do? "Be sure to tell me how it went."

"You bet!" The crystal went silent.

That was it, another call done. Starlight took a few moments to evaluate the situation. She considered all points of view, analyzed every option, analyzed every piece of information Scootaloo has given her, and came to a definitive conclusion.

"No way I'm telling Twilight about this!"

6. Unexpected
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

6. Unexpected

Starlight groaned in despair. She had never expected to end up here, namely reading The Art of Romance Vol. II. It was preposterous, unbecoming, absurd, and filled her with so much uncertainty she wished she had never taken the stupid tome. And the worst part of it was that according to the library card Twilight had already read it... TWICE.

So, you think that'll be enough, do you? Starlight paged through “Basics of Seduction” and ”The Ten First Steps”, going directly to ”Snatch Your Special Somepony Before Anypony Else Does”. As uncomfortable as it felt, this was her best chance of her reclaiming Starburst, short of brainwashing him.

Stallions are quite impressionable, and as such it always pays for you to be the first to approach them and the last to leave. That way you can be sure to crush any meddlesome rivals competing for their affection. Remember, every individual stallion represents his own set of likes and preferences. That said, there are a number of general rules that govern the entire male population.

For example, research has shown that over 75% of stallions (over 90% among pegasi) have a deep appreciation of wings. Thus, if you have wings be sure to keep them well preened and in ideal form. Remember, a wing flutter could be almost as efficient as a tail flick.

"By all the stars!" Starlight shouted as she slammed the tome closed. This was so unfair! "Of course wings would have to be a big deal! And since Twilight is an alicorn princess, she—"

"Hello, Starlight!" A flash of purple burst behind her.

"Aaaah!" Starlights screamed as she fell off her chair. The shock was such that she didn't even have the time to cast a spell or stretch a leg to stop her fall. The only thing on her mind, as she crashed onto the floor, was I'm doomed!

"Starlight?" Twilight approached, concerned.

Instantly, Starlight jumped back to her hooves. What do I say? What do I say?! She flashed a guilty smile at her mentor as drops of sweat rolled down her face. Her heart was beating traitorously fast, making her seem all that much more suspicious. Keep up the act. She has no idea what happened. Maybe she won't notice?

"Starlight, is anything the matter?" Twilight tilted her head.

"The matter? With me?" Starlight levitated The Art of Romance Vol. II behind her back. If the Princess found out about that she'd die of shame. "Why should anything be the matter? Nothing could possibly be the matter."

"Oh, really?" Twilight narrowed her eyes. "So you're saying that everything went perfectly fine in my absence?"

"Uh-huh! Absolutely!" The sweating intensified. "Perfectly."

"And you were able to help all the ponies that called you?" The Princess took a step forward.

"All the help for all the ponies!" Starlight nodded eagerly, while trying to get rid of the evidence behind her back. If I teleport it away, she'll sense it. Then she'll ask what I did, and I'll have to lie, and she'll probably use some kind of spell to see what I did and then—

"Starlight, I know exactly what's going on," Twilight sighed. Her protégé froze. This wasn't just any sigh, it was the sigh of disappointment. "I knew I made a mistake. Only proves what a bad teacher I am..." Moving closer, she put a wing on Starlight's shoulder. "You didn't write down any of your calls, did you?"

Starlight blinked. Twice. What the what?

"It was my mistake to burden you with such an important task." The Princess nodded sagely. "I should have been more considerate, especially since I didn't even bother to write an adequate checklist for the process. You were probably lost in all my drafts."

"Err, yes, they were a bit confusing..." Drafts? As in more than one? Really, Twilight, you're the most pedantic organizer in Equestria and beyond! Whoever makes multiple checklists for other checklists?! ... Damn it! Sunburst will fall for you so hard if he finds out.

"Well, nothing to worry about." Twilight stepped away. "I suspected this might happen, so I posted notices that the Friendship and Magic Hotline Assistance Room will start with a one week trial period! During that time we'll find, isolate, and address any potential issues it might have!" She started hopping in place, annoyingly pleased with herself. "Everypony has been warned to expect small glitches until we get the process fully ironed out."

"Oh..." Even in these circumstances, Starlight couldn't keep herself from frowning despite her fake smile. "Great."

"Isn't it? I knew you'd understand!" Without any warning Twilight hugged her. Well, this is slightly awkward. I know you're enthusiastic about your work, but seriously? Of course, Starlight kept her smiling facade. There was no way she would risk Twilight looking behind her back. "Oh, I almost forgot!" Just as abruptly, Twilight let her go. Taking a step back, she then cleared her throat, closed her eyes, and extended her foreleg forward, as if pointing to something in the air. A second later a flash of purple light filled the room, bringing into existence a rather elaborate evening dress. "Ta-daa!” She announced. “Rarity wanted me to give you this. Do you like it?"

"I... Umm... Huh?" Words escaped Starlight. Everything was happening too fast. When dealing with Twilight one didn't simply go through a roller coaster of emotions. Rather, it was like the roller coaster was riding a roller coaster that was on a Ferris wheel in an underground maze during Nightmare Night. Starlight didn't know whether to be frightened, annoyed, jealous, or simply happy. The dress was something, though. Rarity had outdone herself, finding the perfect attire to match Starlight's coat and mane.

My first dress, Starlight thought as she gazed at the intricate design. Thank you, Rarity. It's magnificent... and I'll use it to claim my Sunburst! Ha! In your face, Twilight!

"Well, I'll leave you to try it for a few minutes." Twilight smiled. "Rarity insisted," she added under her breath. "Just take care of the hotline for a little while longer. I need to check something in the library and I'll be here to take over for the night."

"Oh, right. Sure." The guilt of hiding a tome on flirting kicked in. Now was the perfect moment to get rid of it. Well, the moment Twilight leaves, that is. "Take your time. I'll be here." Then again, I might quickly glance at a few chapters before I return it to the library.

Barely had she said that when Twilight teleported out of the room. That was unexpected. Usually nothing could keep the Princess away from her inventions. It was almost as if if she had somewhere to be, and that somewhere was more important than her latest crowning achievement. Oh, well, no point peeling a gift apple. Starlight placed her new dress gently on the chair, along with the bag of horseshoes that came with it. She had a mind to start reading, but the temptation proved too strong.

I'm only putting this on to be sure I know which section to read, she rationalized things to herself. Can't be too careful... Starlight gently levitated the dress on. It fit perfectly, as expected. Tight, yet comfortable; colorful, yet not too much. Did Sunburst like purple, though? she mused. Oh, silly me. Colours don't matter. I can make him like purple! Or any any shade I wish. Although, that might backfire. Twilight was also purple.

Starlight let out a humph, then levitated the book in front of her face. The table of contents was absolutely huge. Whoever had done the research definitely had been thorough. All of the chapter names seemed so useful, it was simply impossible to choose! “Mane power” looked promising.

"Whoa! The Art of Romance Vol. II!" a voice said, making Starlight turn a deep shade of red. "You should tell Twilight you found it. She's tearing the library apart searching for it."

"Heh heh heh. Oh, really?" Damn it, Spike! Today is just not my day!

"Yeah. I think she is testing it out." The dragon whelp shrugged as he entered the room.

"That sounds..." Starlight paused, searching for the word.

"I know, right!" Spike didn't give her a chance to finish, instead he took the tome unceremoniously and casually brushed its cover with his elbow. "I mean that stallion is so not her type. Sure, he might have glasses and wear the one-of-a-kind Daring Do collectible cap, but he's the type who would be first to a banquet, if you know what I mean."

"Spike." Starlight rolled her eyes. "Just because somepony is big boned, is no reason to assume—" she abruptly stopped. Big boned? Fat? A fat pony that Twilight is interested in? ... Shifty?! He did mention that she had been flirting with him. That would be hilarious, if it were true.

"Alright, sheesh!" The dragon grumble, walking away. "Skin me alive, why don't you? Last time I comment on something." Other grumblings followed, but Starlight didn't catch any of them.

Twilight and a changeling?! That's bad! I mean it's good. This way she won't be going after Sunburst. But it's bad! How do I explain that to her? I can't just go "Sorry, Twilight, I know you like that pony a lot and think he's your special somepony, but he's actually a changeling." There had to be some other solution, short of brainwashing her.

The voice crystal started flashing. Without thinking, Starlight tapped it with her hoof.

"Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline," she said, careful not to damage her dress. "This is Starlight Glimmer, how may I be of help?"

"Hi, it's Shifty again. Your plan backfired."

"What?" Starlight quickly magicked the door shut, then licked it for good measure. "What do you mean?"

"You suggested I get in touch with other changelings in order to lose weight," Shifty said drearily.

"And?" I don't like how this is starting. "They found out about Ponyville and decided to invade it because of the absurd amount of positive emotions here? They then gave you an ultimatum to join them or be imprisoned and left to starve in a cave to starve without—"

"Where in Equestria did you come up with that?" Shifty interrupted. "And I thought my second wife had a wild imagination. Have you thought of becoming a writer? The way you come up with these intricate plots, it's almost as if you've been part of one."

"Oh, I never thought about it," Starlight smiled sheepishly. Although, why not? I bet I could become a great writer if I wanted to. "Anyway, what was the problem? If you weren't kidnapped by changelings what's the matter?"

"I lost weight," the changeling whimpered.

"So?" Apparently there was no pleasing some bugs. "Wasn't that the point?"

"I mean, I really lost weight," he stressed.

"Again, I can't see the problem. It's not like that would make ponies run away from you in horror." Starlight was about to add something less than polite, when her muzzle froze still. Things were starting to become clear. It was like watching the scattered pieces of a puzzle move on place before her very eyes. Slim changeling, Twilight tearing the library for a tome on romantic advice... the answer was obvious. "Tail flicking?" she asked with understanding.

"Tail flicking," the changeling sighed affirmatively.

"Just give me a moment." Starlight started levitating her dress off and folded it safely on the desk. It was going to be a long talk.

7. Dreams and Chandeliers
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

7. Dreams and Chandeliers

"Starlight? Starlight!" a loud shout tore the unicorn out of her dream.

Oh, no! They have found me! She kicked the covers away, jumping to her hooves. She has found me! All my plans for Equestria… the affair I had behind her back... Even in the darkness of her room, Starlight could see her mentor and Princess breathing heavily in the doorway — her mane was messy, her feathers ruffled, and the expression on her face expressed disappointment verging on disbelief.

"Twilight, it's not what you think!" Starlight moved back. "I was just giving Starburst mouth to mouth because he had trouble breathing." Well, he does have allergies. Maybe she'll fall for it? "And the Equestria Reformation Program is totally not as bad as the name—"

"She's going to jump off the chandelier!" Twilight shouted, her entire body trembling with every word.

"Huh?" Jump? Chandelier? Starlight had no idea what was going on. She glanced towards her bed in search of Sunburst, only to remember that it had been a dream. At least that was a relief, although it might lead to another talk with Princess Luna. Ever since the "time incident" Starlight's dreams had been carefully monitored. At the first sign of something alarming, Luna would summon her to Canterlot and advise her on the consequences, should the dreams continue. Very scary, very unpleasant… Still, that was for later. For the moment dealing with one maniacal princess was enough.

"A caller on the hotline." Twilight took hold of Starlight with her magic. "Quickly! We must get to her before she hurts herself!" The Princess galloped through the hallway, dragging Starlight behind her. "I've left Spike to buy us some time, but I really don't think he can handle something this serious."

"Twi... Ouch!" Starlight bumped into the doorframe. That was one of the inevitable hazards of living with Twilight: work often proved to be hazardous to one's health. "I really... Ooph!" Who placed this potted plant here?! I bet it was Spike! Rarity makes one suggestion that plants show one's sensitive side and the little guy turns the castle into a menagerie! Thank the stars he didn't fill it with cacti.

The trip to the hotline room took another three bruises. If Starlight had been fully awake, she probably would have diminished the number by half. Being literally dragged out of bed had removed that option. All discomfort aside, though, she was very much eager to help. Even lacking context, ponies jumping from chandeliers sounded dangerous. Who would even do such a thing? At two in the morning no less!

Maybe I'll have a word with Twilight about closing the hotline during the night, Starlight thought. The moment she entered the room, however, she quickly changed her mind. Stacks of coffee mugs cluttered the desk, the shelves, and most of the floor. And that was not all. A large filing cabinet that definitely hadn't been there before was squeezed in behind the desk, its open drawers displaying dozens of folders.

"Be careful not to step on the coffee machine," Twilight whispered, as she released her magic hold. "And mind the cups. Some of them are still full."

Starlight looked at the floor. She had never seen so many cups in one place outside of Sugarcube Corner. Careful not to step in any, she made her way to Spike.

"So you're sure it has one hundred sixty-eight shards?" he asked. "And all of them are the same colour?"

Starlight looked at him with the amount of disapproval she reserved for door to door salesponies. Either this was a dream, or he really wasn't suited for this line of work.

"What are they talking about?" she whispered to Twilight, careful not to be heard over the voice crystal.

"I don't know," Twilight whispered back. "I just told him to keep the caller occupied."

"Ahem!" Spike glared at each of them in turn. "We happen to be discussing the make and model of the chandelier!" He crossed his arms. His expression screamed Can't you two be professional about this? "Sorry, please go on. I needed to have a few words with... the technical support ponies here."

"Technical support?!" Starlight couldn't keep herself from saying. I'm no technical support! For one thing I have far more experience in this than you! Plus, I am an expert at magic and a pony! I'd like to see your credentials, buster!

"Is that Miss Starlight?" An intrigued voice came from the voice crystal. "Miss Starlight, are you there?"

"Toffee?" Starlight blinked. "Why are you on chandelier?" I never thought I'd ask such a question, regardless of the circumstances.

"I'm following your advice!" Toffee said joyfully, earning Starlight a pair of angry glances from the others in the room. "You told me to catch a wind to help me levitate better and that's what I'm about to do! Don't worry, I've taken care of everything."

From the corner of her eye Starlight could see Twilight turn a shade paler. 'Taken care of everything' was a phrase linked to inevitable disaster.

"I went to the second floor," Toffee continued, "and opened the window." Twilight's eyes widened in terror. "The chandelier is a bit away, but if I swing strong enough I'll manage to reach the window and leap outside." Twilight's head began to wobble. This doesn't look good. Starlight gently reached towards the alicorn. "From there I'll go straight down the mountainside and—"

Starlight watched as the tension proved too much for the Princess. Twilight's eyes rolled, as she started to fall unconscious to the floor. Damn it! Starlight moved forward to grab her, but in doing so stepped into one of the coffee mugs on the floor. Her hoof stuck, Starlight lost her balance. Her free foreleg instinctively reached to grab hold of the nearest object. Fortunately, the filing cabinet proved to be within reach. Unfortunately, it wasn't at all stable and came falling down, spilling folders and smashing vast amounts of cups, as it crashed onto the two mares. The sound of a broken dishes filled the room, followed by deathly silence.

"Miss Starlight?" Toffee asked. "What happened?"

"Err, we seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties," Spike said as annoyed groaning sounded in the background. "Now about that chandelier..."

"Umm, maybe this isn’t a good time." Toffee hesitated. "It's getting late, and my sister will be upset if I make too much noise. Thanks anyway, Spike. Was nice talking to you."

"I know, right?" The dragon beamed. "Take care, Toffee! Hear you again soon!" He tapped the crystal.

"Spike! That's the worst thing to say!" Starlight grumbled as she levitated the filing cabinet off her. If you weren't Twilight's assistant you'd never get this job! I mean, you are helpful and sweet, and a really good cook, but... Well, not everything is for everypony!

"Why not?" The dragon arched a brow.

"The whole idea of this is to solve problems," she explained patiently. "Asking them to call again is the same as asking them to have more problems."

"Oh." Spike looked to the side.

"Well, that was just Toffee, so no big deal, but in future please leave this to the professionals." Damn it! That word again! I'm going to find Diamond Tiara and transmorph her into a frog! "Now help me get Twilight back up."

It didn't take much to bring Twilight to. Starlight strongly wanted to splash her with a bucket of ice water, yet was convinced to let Spike to take care of it while she tidied the room. Well, at least that takes care of the cup problem. It wasn't like all of them were necessary. The cleaning lasted about ten seconds — enough to make the room look like new and Starlight to feel both annoyed and guilty at the same time. Annoyed, because she wanted to go back to sleep; guilty because she had caused the mess to begin with.

"Spike?" Starlight heard the Princess say. Okay, she's coming to. "What happened?"

"Well, Toffee said she was busy and she won't jump tonight," Spike explained helpfully. Behind him, Starlight facehoofed. "But I told her to call again later."

"Good thinking." Twilight got back to her hooves. She still seemed a bit wobbly.

"Err, Twilight?" Starlight started cautiously. "How many cups of coffee have you had?"

"Two," the alicorn looked at the ceiling, "dozen. Maybe a bit more. Why?"

Two dozen?! Are you insane? "No reason," Starlight backed away.

"I have to if I want to stay up all night. You never know if somepony will need friendship advice. To be honest, things have been a bit slow so far."

"Maybe because most ponies are asleep?" As I should be!

"Probably, but what if somepony isn't?" Twilight said almost gasping at the thought. "Imagine how you'd feel if you were alone, in need of advice, incapable of falling asleep and there's nopony to give it to you. The whole point of the hotline was to provide help, and it will night or day!"

"Ooo-kay then." It was clear that there was no point arguing. "I'll be going back to bed. I see you and Spike have a lid on things. Just wake me up in the afternoon and I'll be ready to take over."

Twilight nodded, then summoned a new jug of coffee and placed it on the desk. Apparently, some things never changed. There was no question she would be up the entire night. Well, maybe it's not so bad. I finally get to rest, and Twilight seems to enjoy this stuff. It was a win-win situation.

"Goodnight, Twilight. Good luck." Starlight went into the corridor, closing the door behind her. With a yawn and a trot she went to her room and immediately flopped onto the bed. Now I just have to close my eyes. Sleep did not come. Thoughts of Twilight messing up sneaked into her mind. What if somepony other than Toffee called? How would Twilight deal with it then?

I'm being stupid! Twilight can handle it. By all logic the alicorn was perfect for the job. She was, after all, the Princess of Friendship. The whole idea of the hotline was hers! Surely she could handle a few calls. Still, the tiny part in Starlight's brain was not convinced. She had panicked way to much when dealing with Toffee. The whole situation could have been approached far better. Not to mention all the coffee she had consumed! Over twenty-four cups and it wasn't even past three o'clock!

"No! Nope! I'm not getting involved in this!" Starlight turned to the other side. She tried to think of happy things — friends, Sunburst, governing Equestria. There was no reason for her to take on Twilight's troubles. She had enough of her own to deal with. She deserved some happiness, at least when asleep!

Minutes passed, minutes of her staring into the darkness trying to find excuses not to check on her mentor. At one point the excuses ran out. Oh, damn it! She slid a hoof down her face and got out of bed. I might as well check on her. I need a good laugh anyway. Suppressing a yawn, Starlight teleported in front of the hotline room and extremely quietly cracked the door open.

"No, that's perfectly normal." She heard Twilight say. So somepony had called after all. "There are times when we feel like our friends have betrayed us. We feel hurt and want to lash out at them for all the wrongs we think they've done. Even I have have gone through the same."

"Even you, Princess?" a shocked male voice asked. It sounded like it belonged to a colt.

"Yes, even me," Twilight said warmly. "Don't tell anypony, but at one point I almost left because of what a close friend did to me. Yet, I didn't! Instead we talked. I won't lie, it was difficult and awkward, but after a few minutes we went through our differences. A bit later we were laughing and enjoying cupcakes at Sugarcube corner."

"And you think if I talk with my friend things will get better?" the caller asked, his voice full of hope, but also fear. Now, Twilight, Starlight thought. You're almost there. Just a few more words...

"I know they will." The Princess replied. "I know it sounds scary, but I also know that you are strong enough to go through with it."

Heh. Looks I was worried for nothing. Twilight not be able a Friendship problem. Pfft! What was I thinking? With extreme care Starlight started closing the door. Now she could really use some sleep. Dream-Equestria wasn't going to get organized on its own. And there was also the matter of S—

"Oh, and another thing," Twilight added. "Tell your friend she is completely wrong! No way in Tartarus is Hoof Hoof Dancing better than Pegasus Adventure III! She must be crazy to say that! The single player campaign has serious depth, not to mention that the Hoofstation graphics are way better than anything on the market!"

8. Fillies these days...
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

8. Fillies these days...

Coffeemaker. Check!

Coffee mugs. Check!

Spike safely away and asleep. Check!

With a satisfied smile, Twilight put her clipboard away and relaxed in the chair. Finally, everything was perfectly set up for the next call. The previous seven had been improvisations, but Twilight was confident she had made note of all the encountered problems and come up with a set of solutions for each.

"Hi, Twilight," a voice came from outside the room. "How are—"

"Hello, you have reached the Friendship and Magic hotline!" Twilight said on instinct. "This is Princess Twilight Sparkle speaking, and let me assure you I’ll be happy to assist you in any Friendship or Magic problems you might have, no matter how large or small!"

"Hmm?" The head of an extremely confused Luna poked through the window.

"Oh, argh!" Twilight covered her mouth with her hoof. How embarrassing! The crystal isn't even flashing. Oh, please don't think badly of me, Luna. It was an honest mistake! Really! I'm not a failure! I'm a good Princess! This was just a small slip up that will never happen again! Please don't tell Princess Celestia!

"Apologies, Twilight. I didn't mean to bother you while you work," the Princess of the Night said, while staring at the voice crystal. For several seconds she did nothing else, assessing it, as it seemed. Twilight dared not budge. It was an awkward situation, which only intensified as Luna redirected her attention to the coffeemaker. "Hmm. What brand do you use?" She looked at Twilight critically.

"Err, Summer Roast?" Twilight answered, still very much worried whether she was making a bad impression.

"No, no, no!" Luna shook her head. "You might as well be drinking water. It's terrible! And the flavor is really sweetish-meh at best. If you want to pull an all-dayer you have only two real options. Double Delight or Oava. I think you'd better start with Double Delight. It's a bit softer on the palate and more than sufficient for a pony your size."

"But I like sweetish-meh," Twilight whimpered quietly. It had taken her a month of negotiations with her family, after she had become a Princess with her own castle, in order to be allowed coffee at all. Having somepony else criticize her choice of brand was outright painful.

"Don't worry, I'll bring you some from my personal blend tomorrow before work." Luna pulled back out of the room, though not before looking at the coffeemaker in utter disgust. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't go yet! I can explain. I really am very diligent! I'm a good princess!

"Wait!" Twilight squeaked. "Don't you want to listen in on a call? That way you can evaluate my performance and cast aside any misconceptions that—"

"I'm actually here to have a word with Starlight," Luna interrupted.

Oh, thank the stars! Twilight exhaled deeply brushing off the sweat gathered on her forehead. If the Princess wasn't here to inspect her work there was nothing to be afraid of. How silly of me. Of course you'd be here to have a talk with Starl—

"Umm, she's having dreams again?" Oh, no! Starlight... You must think I'm a horrible Friendship teacher, Luna. I can't even get my own student to stop thinking negative thoughts.

"The usual." Luna waved a hoof on the air. "Conquer Equestria, brainwash all the ponies, steal all your lovers."

At the mention of the last, Twilight's mouth fell open. She felt the blood rushing to her face. My lovers?! I wasn't flirting with that stallion! We just shared an interest in Daring Doo books! And it's not like that's any of Starlight's business! She has enough trouble making friends, let alone be ready for romantic relationships, to criticize anypony else!

"Anyway, I must be off. Dreams wait for no pony." She flapped her wings and vanished into the night, probably heading to Starlight’s room. Twilight hesitated, uncertain whether to teleport there or not. On the one hoof, she respected her student's privacy and didn't want to micromanage every aspect of her development. On the other, however, she didn't want anypony showing an interest in her social life and coming to the completely wrong conclusions. Before she could come to a decision the crystal started flashing.

"Hello, you have reached the Friendship and Magic hotline!" Twilight said in a level tone. "This is Princess Twilight Sparkle speaking. I’ll be happy to assist you in any Friendship or Magic problems you might have." A bit shorter than her standard greeting, but right now she was a bit peeved. Of course the important things happen when I need to... inspect Starlight's conversation with Luna. For Starlight’s own good!

"Err? What happened to Twilight's Friendship Hotline?" a meek filly's voice asked.

"This is it." I hope you are pleased with yourself, Spike! It'll take me weeks to get ponies to use the hotline's proper name!

"But just now you said it’s the Friendship and Magic hotline..." The filly sounded confused.

"Yes it is." Must I go over the same thing every time? "This is a hotline that is to assist you, the caller, with any magic and friendship problems. I am Twilight, so technically this is my hotline for help, although it isn't because I don't own it. Are things a bit clearer now?" The silence on the other end indicated very much the opposite. "Fine, this is Twilight's Friendship Hotline. How may I help?"

"Umm. Err. My horn isn't working properly," the tiny voice said, causing Twilight to arch a brow. "I often get picked on at school. Not as much as before, but... I..."

"I understand," Twilight nodded, levitating a blank form in front of her and starting to write. "So you have a magic problem which has led to a friendship problem. Have you tried talking to any friends about this?"

"Maybe?"

"That bad, huh?" Maybe never meant maybe. In this case it meant a resounding no. "When did this start?" Twilight started filling in the form. Caller fourteen. You sound like a filly, and you said you were in school...

"When I was really young. Five years ago, or more."

"What? How didn't anypony notice before?!" This is absurd! True, at a young age it's expected for there be difficulties with magic, but for nopony to have noticed... that's... just... Twilight was shaking. Her hooves were making marks in the desk. Such appalling parenthood was criminal! Mane tingling with rage, she took a deep breath then exhaled. "Why didn't your parents notice?" she asked in her calmest tone possible.

"Umm, they are very busy in Canterlot." There was a touch of sadness in the filly's voice. "My sister tried to help me, but she's quite busy as well. And my foalsitters... One of them is too focused on how I behave to be concerned with magic, and the other..." A loud sigh came through the voice crystal. "The other is Miss Doo."

"Daring Do?" Twilight's heart skipped a beat. No! It can't be! I refuse to believe that the greatest writer and adventurer in all of... Wait! Daring Do is in Ponyville?! A large smile appeared on her face. Her wings spanned open as she thought of the possibilities. This was nothing short of incredible! It was the perfect opportunity for Twilight to introduce her to the Hotline project, maybe even get her to endorse it. With a celebrity on the team it was certain that—

"No..." The word shattered Twilight's dreams like Maud a piece of granite. The Princess' wings and ears flopped down. "Ditzy Doo..."

"I see." Fighting her disappointment, Twilight jotted the information down. Well, that explains a few things. "And you've spoken to nopony about it?"

"I tried to ask Sweetie Belle for help, but at first she was sad that she didn't have her cutie mark, then—"

"Sweetie Belle?" Twilight blinked. In the same class as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, has Derpy as a foalsitter, has a sister... "Dinky, is that you? Why didn't you tell me any of this before? I'm near your school nearly every day!"

"Umm, umm..." There they were — the unmistakable sounds of a filly desperately trying to keep her tears back. "I wanted to, but... You're a Princess! I didn't want you to laugh at me as well. Everypony laughs when I say I can't use magic. It's worse than being a blank flank. At least then you know that sooner or later your cutie-mark will appear."

"There, there, Dinky." I wish the crystal would let me be with her. As Pinkie likes to say, this filly needs a hug. "I know it's unpleasant, but it's normal to go through such things in life. Magic hiccups are not as uncommon as you might think. There even are fully grown ponies that have troubles with them from time to time. Why, I remember even Amethyst had difficulties using her horn on Wednesday."

"So that's why sis never helps with the dishes on Wednesdays!" Dinky shouted at the sudden realization.

Oops. Amethyst will kill me if she learns. "Err, yes. And that's why we keep those things a secret." I feel so conflicted all of a sudden. "Anyway, there are methods to deal with the hiccups. I'll walk you through it. Just make sure there's nopony nearby. Things might get a bit... intense."

"I'm in the park. Nopony as far as I can see."

"That's perfect! Now—" Suddenly Twilight's blood ran cold. Filly. Park. Half past three in the morning. "You’re alone in the park at night?! You’re just a filly!"

"So?" Dinky sounded surprised. "It's not the first time I snuck out of home. I'm usually with friends, though."

"What?!" Groups of foals running around after dark? What is this generation coming to? Why, I remember when I was a filly, I used to study at home all night! Only time I went out was with permission from both parents and coordinated with Cadence and Shining Armor! "What if something dangerous happens to you?"

"Snips and Snails went into the Everfree Forest to get a Ursa Minor one night."

"True, but—"

"And the Cutie Mark crusaders went there as well searching for a chicken." Dinky was relentless. "And they say they found you there."

"Oh." Drat! You got me there. "I guess it's all right… as long as Amethyst has some idea where you are." Twilight cleared her throat, scribbled the filly's name and a few notes into the form, then moved the voice crystal closer. "So, let's see how can I help you. You're cleaning your horn regularly, right? Magnetic, metal, and dust particles interfere with magic aura."

"Yes," Dinky sighed. "And I tried casting in water to increase magic conductivity. Nothing."

"Did you wait thirty seconds after your previous spell attempt?"

"Yes. I even went a full day without casting magic." Hesitation. "Am I ill? I read that magic problems are a symptom of serious illnesses." The filly's voice shivered as she spoke.

"Oh, no, I don't think so." I'm so going through the medical books after this call. Two unicorns with casting problems. Might be an epidemic of something. Or a prank by Discord. Wouldn't put it past him to pull this off for a laugh. "Have you been in contact with Poison Joke?"

"Not since Pinkie Pie's free muffin surprise." The phrase was enough to cause Twilight to cringe. Judging by the sounds on the other end of the crystal Dinky had probably done the same.

"That's good to know." She wrote 'talk to Pinkie about surprises' on another piece of paper and added three exclamation points. "Well, there's one thing I'd like you to try. Can you touch the voice crystal with your horn and tell me what happens?"

"O-okay."

Twilight levitated the coffeemaker on the floor and braced herself. A loud click came from the crystal, but nothing else. I really hope it's not what I think it is.

"I don't feel anything, Princess." The filly's voice sounded slightly distorted.

"Umm," Twilight folded her ears down, then summoned a pillow and held it in front of the voice crystal. "Try casting a spell now. Remember, your horn must keep—"

A lightning bolt tore through the pillow. Before Twilight could react it struck her on the horn, singeing her eyelashes and making her mane stand up like the spikes of an aggressive porcupine. What happened? Slowly the Princess turned around. The good news was that the coffeemaker wasn't harmed. However, the rest of the room was in need of a serious redecoration. I didn't know that walls could melt that way. Twilight didn't even want to think what would have happened if she hadn't been an alicorn.

"Dinky, sweetie, have you been anywhere close to thunderclouds?" She turned back towards the voice crystal.

"Umm, no, not today," the filly replied all the more confused. "Miss Doo usually takes me cloud swimming Mondays and Fridays only."

"Dinky!" Twilight shouted. She tried to comb done part of her mane, but the rebellious lock of hair jumped right back. "You should know electricity disrupts the horn's mana flow! The amount of static you had was enough to destroy city hall!" I'm so talking to Derpy about this! Cloud swimming in thunderclouds... And never once did she invite me! "Try casting a spell now."

"Okay." A faint pop was heard, followed shortly later by a loud metallic clang. "It works!" An enthusiastic scream drilled Twilight's ears. "It works! I took the bench and moved it!"

"That's great, Dinky." I better make a note to have Spike fix that in the morning.

"Thank you, Princess! Thank you so much!"

"It's my pleasure." Despite the smell of burned hair, Twilight felt warm inside. It was a wonderful feeling helping a filly in need and hearing the cheer in her voice. "I'll go show Sis now! Oh, and I'll tell her not to be upset at you for using exploits in Horseshoes of Honour."

"What?" Twilight shouted. "I'll have you know that corner camp-bucking is a perfectly legal style of play as described in errata v3.14! You tell Amethyst that—" The voice crystal stopped glowing.

I can't believe it! Twilight fluffed up her chest. Her own friends were accusing her of cheating! Just because she had found the best strategy was no reason for them to act in such foolish fashion. She levitated a cup of coffee to her and took a sip. Also, Luna doesn't understand anything about coffee! A thousand years ago tastes might have been different, but in the here and now Summer Roast is universally the best brand in Equestria!

*Blink* *Blink* *Blink*

Without hesitation, Twilight tapped the crystal. "Hello, you have reached Twilight's Friendship Hotline!" she said in a warm tone. "This is Princess Twilight Sparkle speaking, here to assist you in any problem you might have."

"It's Shifty again," the caller began immediately. There seemed to be something familiar about his voice, something that made Twilight swoon uncontrollably at the voice crystal. "Things are getting worse. I tried picking up weight again, and that nearly caused a riot at the market. I really don't know what to do!"

"Mmhmm," Twilight smiled for no good reason.

"So I was thinking—" the called suddenly stopped. There was a long moment of silence, during which Twilight didn't flinch a muscle. "Am I talking to Princess Twilight?" Shifty asked cautiously, almost with fear.

"Why yes, yes you are." Why do I have this urge to hug the crystal all of a sudden.

"...I'm doomed..."

9. Conquering Your Fears
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

9. Conquering Your Fears

"So your name is Shifty?" Twilight asked, unconsciously tapping her forehooves together. "It's a nice name."

"Umm, okay?" A wave of uncertainty mixed with regret came from the voice crystal.

"A very, very nice name." Logically she was supposed to be writing this down, but her logic seemed to be put on pause for some reason. Instead, she had an unusual desire to brush her mane. "And what might your problem be?"

"A slight *gulp* eating disorder?" Shifty definitely didn't seem comfortable being on the hotline. Probably just a shy stallion. A gentle bookish type, I'm sure. I bet he arranges his books vertically by author. Twilight thought as saliva started gathering in her mouth.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" Example 2.b. from Breaking the Ice with Positive Results. It's guaranteed to work! I just know it! And yet, why am I so nervous? "Your voice sounds awfully familiar."

"Nope, no, we've never met!" Shifty's voice rose two octaves, instantly becoming all the more attractive, if that was even possible.

"Well, we'll have to remedy that, won't we?" Best Pick Up Lines, example 11.c. "Where in Ponyville did you say you lived?"

"Umm, I think my mother's calling me! Bye!" The crystal faded.

Twilight remained as she was, looking at the crystal with admiration. And he lives with his parents too. She let out a sweet sigh. Her mind's eye started creating an image of the stallion she had talked to. Clearly he liked books, or rather he adored them. By the sound of his consonants she could tell he spent half his nights reading and rereading obscure tomes. There was no doubt he was reading even now — no other reason for him to be awake at this late hour. He probably even had that rebellious, yet tidy, mane and an elegant pair of glasses.

"Best job ever!" Twilight stretched then levitated a cup of coffee for a sip.

The mesmerized state continued another five minutes, after which she quickly returned to her organizing duties. Based on her assessment, so far twenty ponies had used the hotline, at least two of them more than once. Not at all bad for the first twelve hours. Based on these numbers there would be a dozen calls per hour soon. Maybe that's a bit too optimistic. Twilight wrote the figure eight on the first line of her neatly spaced ledger. Eight calls, that means two ponies spending fifteen minutes per hour call every hour. Accounting for sleep, free time, and unexpected emergencies, that leaves... The alicorn bit the end of the quill. If things started to expand, as she expected they would, she'd soon need more assistants. For starters Spike and Starlight were reasonably capable. The little dragon had proven he had a way with clients, and Starlight... Well, at least she had enthusiasm and potential.

Princess Celestia will be so proud when I make a presentation on the benefits of my hotline! Twilight clapped her hooves as she finished her drink. There still would have to be a few changes, though. Possibly a new room was in order. This was was rather small and unbefitting — Twilight's wings twitched — not to mention slightly charred in places.

The voice crystal flashed, calling for immediate attention. Moving the coffee cup out of reach, Twilight tapped it.

"Hello, you have reached Twilight's Friendship Hotline." Such a preposterous name. I've no explanation how it caught on. "This is Princess Twilight Sparkle speaking. I’ll be happy to assist you in any Friendship or Magic problems you might have."

Silence.

Twilight's smile didn't falter. "Hello? Anypony there?"

This time there was the distinct sound of static, along with what could be described as distant whispers.

"Move close to the glowing crystal and speak clearly into it," she said, subconsciously doing the same. Breathing came from the crystal. "That's good. Now just speak."

"Princess?" a timid colt's voice asked.

"Yes, that is me. You can call me Twilight." Another foal? Clearly, I'll have to have a word with Mayor Mare about this. And Cadence as well. Not that I don't trust my brother taking care of Flurry, but still... "What's worrying you?"

"You're Princess Twilight." The called sounded even more distressed.

"There's no need to be worried." She tried to calm the caller. "Although, shouldn't you be home at this hour?"

"I am," the foal squeaked in response.

"Err?" Twilight narrowed an eye. "If you are home how are you using the hotline booth? The only place where there's a booth indoors is Sugarcube Corner, and you definitely don't sound like—"

"I have the crystal." The explanation made Twilight's eye twitch. The voice crystals are delicate and intricate enchantments! Not some toy foals should be playing with! Starting tomorrow, I'll send Starlight to put safeguard spells on all the crystals! "This filly came to see me and she dropped it and..." His voice trailed off. Despite her initial reaction Twilight knew where this conversation was going.

"I'll put this down as a friendship problem," she said, filling out a new form. "Where exactly are you calling from?"

"Cloudsdale." The reply made Twilight pause. Her mind was already considering the advantages of having a few crystals sent there. Clearly, it worked. The vectoring was good, and it obviously could prove useful.

"So, about this filly." Twilight dipped her quill in the ink pot.

"Well, I've seen her around when I come to visit Ponyville. My mother has relatives there and sometimes takes me along." Every word was promptly noted down. "Today she came and spoke to me."

"And that was bad?" Twilight asked cheekily.

"No, it was nice. She's kinda cool..." It took some effort for Twilight not to snort into the voice crystal. Poor foal. When a colt says a filly is "kinda cool" it means he can't stop thinking about her. "But... my parents are very strict. My father would never allow me talking to wingless ponies."

Twilight froze. She knew exactly what the colt was talking about. For a split second her anger surged causing the quill to crumble and explode in a pile of dust. It's been millennia since the pony tribes have united and there still are cases of tribism?! This is unacceptable! There were supposed to be laws against this. And yet some beliefs were difficult to uproot, even after all this time.

"The filly is a pegasus..." the caller sighed into the voice crystal. "But she can't fly..."

"Sc—" Twilight began, but instantly covered her mouth with both hooves. There was only one pony he could be talking about. Saying her name out loud, however, wasn't the best approach. Twilight had to keep things professional. "Scandalous."

"That's what my father would probably say. And grandfather would frown every time my hooves touched the ground. According to him, pegasi were meant to stay in the sky, not trot in the mud."

Well, isn't this marvelous! If I have a say in the matter I'll... Twilight paused. What was there she could do? Talk to Princess Celestia undoubtedly, but nothing more, and that was precisely what angered her. A feeling of helplessness filled her, causing her mane to stand on end. I'm an alicorn! I'm the Princess of Friendship! I must find a way to fix this. Even if there are a hundred ponies in Cloudsdale, Canterlot, or Manehattan that think this way, that's too much!

"She’s still cool, though," the colt added in a whine. "Very cool..."

"That's good." What else can I say? You know it might cause a problem yet you've chosen to go on with it. That's quite brave, actually. I'm sure Scootaloo is one lucky filly. "Did you talk to your friend about this?"

"A-ha." Twilight turned both ears toward the voice crystal. "She started it. Scoots knew all along my family might be... conservative. And she still wanted to be with me. So we talked a bit, then a bit more. I treated her to some jelly apples... We laughed. Then I saw mom from the window, so Scoots had to quickly hide."

"Well, seems you two have taken care everything." Toughest job ever. I feel like I'm dealing with separate nations within Equestria itself. "How could I help?"

"Well..." Even through the voice crystal Twilight could hear the sound of shuffling hooves. "We've agreed to secretly see each other when I visit Ponyville, or when she comes to Cloudsdale. But I was wondering... can I use this voice crystal to talk to her in the spare time?"

Ack! Twilight choked hearing the question. It was impossible. As much as she wanted to, there was no way she could agree to that. Apart from the spell being extremely complicated, creating a precedent would be a horrible idea. One thing would lead to another and before she knew it everypony in Ponyville would be talking with each other through voice crystals, defeating the very reason for which they were created. How could ponies be real friends if they relied only on the crystals and didn't go talk to each other?

"Well." Think, brain, think! What would Princess Celestia do at a time like this? What would Princess Luna do? If I can't give him the crystal, maybe I could find another— "You want to see and talk to her, right?" She asked, a sparkle in her eye.

"Yes."

"And it doesn't matter at what time?"

"As long as I'm not at school no..." The colt sounded confused.

"Then I have the perfect idea!" Twilight smiled widely. "I'll ask Princess Luna to have you and Scootaloo share your dreams. That way you get to see each other when you sleep! Quick, efficient, and completely undetectable. Meanwhile, I'll start working on getting your parents to accept Scootaloo." As well as give them a piece of my mind.

"That's okay, I guess." He tried to hide his enthusiasm, about as well as an Ursa Major sneaking through a field of bunnies. "Can I ask you something else, Princess?"

"Of course." Twilight summoned a new quill and started frantically writing notes on the caller's form.

"I haven't been with any fillies, so how do I deal with her mania to conquer Equestria?" he asked.

"Well, most fillies... Wait, what?!" The Princess jumped off her chair. Conquering Equestria? Scootaloo?

"Well, she said one way for us to be together was to conquer Equeatria." Twilight swallowed tensely. "She's enthusiastic and all, but I can't understand the part about pulling the clouds to the ground and tying them to the trees."

"Huh?"

"And that thing about hypnotizing ponies with thunder doesn't sound very realistic, but I don't want to make her feel bad."

Starlight! Twilight's eyes narrowed. I don't know why or how, but I'm certain you are involved in this somehow. Using thunder to hypnotize? Encouraging Scootaloo to do it? Although, Twilight had to admit she was curious how exactly the tiny pegasus would manage to conquer Equestria.

"Err, well there are things we girls can't reveal." I'm not sure if this was sweet or disturbing. Maybe I should have a word with Scootaloo as well. "However... I think I'll let you in on a little secret. Whenever Scootaloo starts talking about that, just tell her to leave it for another day and offer to teach her cloud surfing."

"But I don't know cloud surfin—" the colt began, but was quickly cut off.

"So you better start learning," Twilight said her authoritative voice. "Just remember: surfing first, conquering later." She quickly tapped the crystal, not giving the caller to ask anything else. The glow faded away, rendering the crystal lifeless.

This was heavy. Twilight relaxed back in her chair. What a night. Good thing morning is a few hours away. Nopony would possibly think of calling no—

*blink* *blink* *blink*

Twilight tapped the crystal. "Hello, you have reached Twilight's—"

"Hello, Twilight," a menacing voice said. "There's something we need to discuss..."

10. Dread in Gaming
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

10. Dread in Gaming

An icy chill came from the crystal, forcing Twilight to curl up and wrap her legs round a whole jug of coffee in the hopes it would save her from the dread that invaded the room.

"We understand that you have been doing... things," the voice went on. "Things that were..." Drops of cold sweat started forming all over Twilight's face. "...wrong."

Oh, stars! They know! The Princess covered her mouth with a hoof as blood flooded her face giving it a deep purple tint.

"It was just research!" she said quickly, fully aware that every word was a lie. "I just needed it for work! And with Cadence having a foal, it's normal for me to start considering the option as—"

"We aren’t interested in your pathetic excuses!" a new voice cut her off. "We know perfectly well who you’re interested in and what you intend to do about it." If Twilight wasn't petrified with fear she'd groan in shame. "We’re concerned with something far more important."

"Yes," the first voice agreed. "You’ve done things that are considered unethical. Some would even call them unforgivable. Worse, you’ve done so without the slightest bit of remorse. Yet you still call yourself 'Princess of Friendship.' Were you lying before or are you lying now?"

Uh? With trembling hooves, Twilight lifted the jug and took a gulp of coffee. She was too stressed to use magic, too afraid to think logically. Her mind raced back through her past, trying desperately to find this unforgivable act she had done. Is it my temper? I've been shouting at Spike a lot lately. I've ridiculed him, ignored him... I continue to treat him as a child although he does most of the work in the castle. Guilt formed in her stomach like a block of ice. She could be a bit nicer to the little dragon. And not only him. She could stop micromanaging Starlight's life, stop trying endlessly to impress Celestia, start being more honest with herself about things... including her guilty pleasure of eating raw chocolate.

"You've made this 'Friendship Hotline' and named it after yourself," the voice said mercilessly. "But what did you really wish to achieve?"

"I... That's..." Twilight's hooves felt as ice blocks.

"There's only one thing that will determine your fate," the first voice stated.

"One question that might save your soul," the second voice added.

"Will you answer it truthfully?" First voice again.

"If you lie, we'll know!" Second voice.

Twilight swallowed, squeezing the jug even tighter. The truth. Must tell the truth, even if it's embarrassing. What could the question be, though? There were a few things she had done that she very didn't want others to know about. It had to be one of them.

"Why..." Twilight's ears turned towards the voice crystal. "Did..." Her heart was beating twice as fast. "You..." She held her breath, biting her lower lip. "Cheat in our multiplayer sessions?"

"I... What?!" Twilight blinked. For a second her brain refused to process the question, spinning the words in loop, while constantly allocating more and more mental resources. Cheating? Multiplayer? Nothing seemed to make the foggiest bit of sense. Seconds dragged on with Twilight only registering the slight draft in the room. Then something clicked. "Amethyst?" She ventured, cautiously.

"Took you long enough, doofus!" Laughter came from the other end. "I was starting to think we'd have to give you hints."

"I so wish I could see your face right now!" the second voice joined in. "Be honest, are you staring blankly with your mouth open like you do when you're killed in-game?"

"Lyra?" Twilight asked then instantly closed her mouth shut. I don't stare blankly! And you're one to talk, Miss Mouth-to-Hoof!

"Bingo!" Lyra said in her typical cheerful fashion.

"Guys!" Twilight huffed into the crystal. "Seriously? You did not just call me in the middle of the night, while I'm at work, for a prank call!"

"Oh, lighten up!" Typical for Amethyst not to take things seriously. Twilight envied that quality in her. To be honest, most of her old friends were quite carefree. "I bet you're glad for a pick-me-up after a night of boring calls. Thanks for helping Dinky, by the way. She's been praising you nonstop."

Oh, Right. Well, that's good. "So you're just calling for fun?" Twilight couldn't help herself. "No problems or such?"

"Oh, Twilight. We're fine," Lyra voiced in. "Well, maybe a bit upset you consider a game exploit a 'strategy'. But other than that."

"It is a valid stra—"

"Although..." Surprisingly, Lyra cut her off. Twilight tensed up. Such behaviour was unusual for Lyra. "There is one thing about Minuette..." I knew it! Twilight thought, as her friendly concern clashed with her professional bias. "She's into it again."

"Into wha—" Twilight started, but stopped halfway. There was only one thing Minuette got in trouble with, and being the hopeless romantic she was, it always ended biting her in the rump. "Don't tell me."

"Yes, she is," Amethyst sighed. "This time in Unicorn Champion. She's convinced StrongHooves443 is a stallion."

"Not that again!" Twilight facehooved with an audible sigh. "There are no stallions online! And even if there were, they'd probably be somepony's coltfriend. Did you try talking to her?"

"Twi, we've been doing nothing but talk this last week!" Amethyst said sharply. "She's fallen really hard. Minuette claims they've exchanged pictures and all, but knowing how careless she is, it's probably her doing all the sharing. Can you please lend a hoof? I'm not sure she could handle a repeat of last time."

Last time... That was the time when Minuette had sent several bank transfers — several hundred bits each — only to eventually find out that MuscleHorse was a mare and not a stallion as she had claimed online. The experience had crushed Minuette, who had remained locked in her home for weeks, buried in a fort of ice cream buckets. Why don't you ever learn, Minnie?! You're reckless with your personal information, trust anything you hear, and actually believe you'll find the love of your life playing online games. I really don't understand you sometimes.

"Any info on 'his' gamer card?" Twilight jotted the name of the user on one of her forms.

"Has been playing for several years, that's for sure," Lyra said. "I had Bonnie dig a little. Seems StrongHooves443 got hit on frequently in a few games, and left as a result. So far no indication he's been taking bits from anypony, but that's all. We tried to get him in voice chat, but Strong would always say no."

"Of course he would." Twilight rolled her eyes. "I bet he also didn't want to meet Minuette because of safety concerns."

"Right in one," Amethyst agreed. "I know it's asking a lot, but can you use your Princess status to check this out?"

"That might be a problem." Technically, I could, but that won't solve a thing. Even if I do help Minuette and catch the mare stringing her, what about all the others online? Also this will touch on the stallions in gaming problem.

Twilight sighed. This was another big one. Even in Ponyville, stallions preferred to keep their gaming activities secret. Button Mash was one of the brave ones who dared to be open about it, and even then he got plenty of hay about it at school. Good thing that Sweetie Belle was there to keep an eye out for him.

"I'll see what I can do," she said at last. "We were in the S.G.U., so maybe Princess Celestia would be of help. At the very least I'll bring the problem to light. She's not into games, though, so it might take some explaining."

Several "ah"s followed, conveying the sympathy reserved for one forced to explain technology to an elderly pony.

"So, we still on for tomorrow?" Lyra asked. "Bonnie said she might join in."

"I'll try." I really need to find more assistants. "The hotline might keep me busy."

"Come on. Let Spike handle it!" Amethyst urged. "He's temped for you dozens of times. He can handle one night."

"Err..." Leaving Spike alone really isn't a good idea. What if he messes up? Or what if the callers don't take him seriously? He has a good foundation, but... Blast it to Tartarus! I should stop treating him like a child! "Why not! Your place again? We can do it in the castle."

"And miss out on Bonnie's cooking?" Lyra sounded shocked by the mere suggestion. "No way!"

"Okay, you two," Twilight chuckled. "I'll be there. Now shoo! Some of us have work to do! And don't worry about Minuette. I'll deal with things."

"You're the best, Twi!" Lyra shouted. "See you!"

"Till tomorrow, cheater!" Amethyst joked.

You crazy girls. Twilight laughed. Gamer friends. There was nothing else like it. Even if work had diminished their game evenings from four times per week to two.

Freeing the coffee jug from her grip, Twilight got out of the chair and stretched. Remaining crouched during the length of the conversation combined with spending the night awake had made her feel quite stiff. The Princess was certain there was a spell for that, but right now she just wanted to enjoy the good old fashioned stretch, legs, back, wings and all.

What if Minuette really found a stallion? That would be the day. Such things only happen in books. Of course, they must exist. I know my brother used to play and he wasn't the only one in the guard to do so, but guard ponies are different. For one thing they aren't put through so much stress.

The voice crystal started blinking again. Twilight glanced at it, yawned, then calmly sat back down and tapped it. I'll have to find a way to auto use this.

"Hello, you have reached Twilight's Friendship Hotline," she said, trying her best to sound fully awake. "This is Princess Twilight Sparkle speaking. I’ll be happy to assist you in any Friendship or Magic problems you might have."

"Hello? Is this thing working?" an all too familiar male voice asked. "Testing, testing. Twilight. Can. You. Hear. Me?" The sound of tapping followed. Twilight was just about to answer, when the crystal suddenly went dim. A second later it started flashing again.

"Hello, you have reach—" Twilight begin again, only to have the crystal fade out again... only to start flashing moments later.

"Stupid technology!" the voice complained. "Why can't Twilight rely on proper magic? Oh, no, she had to make this complicated thingie because she's Twilight. 'Oh, look, I'm Twilight! I'm so smart! I want everypony to see how smart I am, so I build this over complicated machinery that only I can use, since only I am so smart!’"

"I can hear you, Discord," Twilight frowned. "And everything is working fine. Just talk into the crystal and don't tap—" The crystal faded again. "Damn it, Discord!" The Princess shouted. "Can't you get a simple voice crystal running?!"

"Well, I would if there were some instruction manual!" An extremely annoyed draconequus was standing behind her, forelimbs crossed. "You didn’t think this through, did you?"

"Manual? There are only three steps!" Twilight tried her best not to shout. "They are written on the booth along with pictures! It's so simple a foal can figure it out!" And they have! "Tap on crystal to start call. Once crystal stops blinking and lights up completely, speak slowly and clearly into it. Tap on crystal to end call. Simple!"

"Hmm." Discord narrowed his eyes. "I didn't see any draconequus pictures. How was I supposed to understand?"

"It's the same! It doesn't matter if you’re a pony or not!" Twilight's voice sounded louder with every word. "There's no way to mix it—"

Unimpressed, Discord snapped his fingers and promptly disappeared, leaving Twilight to fume at the empty room. Unbelievable! she thought, glaring forward. The Princess was on the verge of saying something very unprincessly when the voice crystal started flashing again.

"For the love of Equestria!" Twilight rolled her eyes, then tapped the crystal with a hoof. "Yes?!"

"What do you know?" Discord sounded quite amused. "It is easy!"

"What do you want, Discord?" Each word came out with the warmth and tenderness of an ice cube.

"That's no way to treat a client," the draconequus humphed from the other end.

"Friendship or magic problem?" I so much want to tie you in a knot right now!

"I have no idea." The answer came as the most casual thing ever. Leave it to the spirit of Chaos to raise a fuss about not being able to use the hotline, only to say he had no use of it. "I'm calling on behalf of a friend."

"Oh, really?" This ought to be good. Twilight tapped on the desk with a hoof.

"Absolutely. She also happens to be a good friend of Celestia's."

"And why can't this good friend of you and Princess Celestia use the hotline herself?" Twilight glared at the crystal in the hopes that would somehow cause Discord to feel discomforted. Knowing him, though, he would be unaffected even if he were right in front of her.

"Weeeell," Discord began, "she's mute, and needs someone to interpret for her."

This can't end well.

11. Mute Management
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

11. Mute Management

"Oh, fine!" Twilight wanted to snarl. Be professional about this, Twilight. Discord is just another customer, an extremely annoying, good for nothing, technology phobic customer. "Magic or Friendship problem?" She stretched her mouth in a forced smile.

"Ah, well..." A series of strange noises came from the voice crystal. Something between clicking and tsking, as far as Twilight. "My name is banana and I want to swim," Discord said after several seconds.

"What?!" The Princess jumped off her chair.

"Oooh. My name isn't banana?" Discord asked, as if coming to a sudden realization. "And I want to hug you? No? Push you?" Twilight narrowed her eyes, staring at the crystal. "Hey! Now that's just rude! ... Sure, blame it on the draconequus who decided to help you out of the goodness of his heart. Okay, so I might have done it for the free tickets... and the swag. But I still have a heart, right?"

"Discord, what are you doing?" Twilight was starting to get an extremely bad feeling. By the sound of things, it would better for her just to teleport to the booth's location and deal with the problem herself. I must be strong! The hotline initiative must work!

"Just a minute, Tutu," Discord said so dismissively that Twilight could almost see him waving her off. "Okay. Two words? First word... What? Not two words? You really aren't making any sense. Oh, two problems?"

"Is it a friendship and a magic problem?" Twilight asked in a level tone.

"Yes! That's it! Two problems!" Confetti shot from the voice Crystal, covering Twilight and the entire room. The alicorn sighed heavily.

This better not be a prank, Discord, or help me Celestia, I'll... "Is the primary problem magic or friendship?"

"It's the magic of friendship!" Discord shouted, and a catchy theme song started playing in the background.

"Discord." Twilight ground her teeth.

"Oh, fine, be that way!" An unmistakable snap sounded, bringing an end to the music. "You know, service here is terrible. I'm writing a complaint to your manager!"

"I am the manager!" The words slipped out before Twilight could do anything about it.

"Oh, so you're a manager, eh? Does that make you any better than us? My client happens to be an extremely important member of society, and I'll have you know that as her legal council, I won't stop until—" the draconequus suddenly stopped. Something akin to whispering became vaguely audible.

Good riddance! Twilight thought. Finally, she could have a few moments peace. However, her curiosity kicked in. The whispering, combined with the occasional "aha" from Discord, started eating at her. What were they talking about? Who was his "client"? Since when did Discord even have clients?

The alicorn bit her lip. No, I am stronger than this! She tried to resist to the temptation. I have to be professional... Her head inched towards the crystal, acting of its own accord. I am not that kind of pony! Her ear flipped around, its tip touching the smooth surface of the crystal. The words could almost be made our now. Did it sound like Fluttershy? Somepony else.

"Say, Twilight?" A voice came over her shoulder, startling her in the air.

"Eeep!" She shouted, her heart racing like a stampede of bunnies. The past year of her life flashed before her eyes, ending with an image of Discord standing in front of her with a large book in hand. "Discord?" Twilight put a hoof on her chest, as if hoping that would calm her down a bit.

"Err, do you think this series of gestures means 'I'm giving you a raise'?" He asked pointing to a picture on one page. "Or is it more of an 'I'll buck you in the face' sort of thing?"

Sign language for beginners? A few basic hoof gestures that will help you function in society? You have to be joking! "You don't know sign language?!" Twilight was on the verge of yelling. In response the draconequus smiled sheepishly, hiding the book behind his back. His action only infuriated her further. "You were acting as an mute’s interpreter without even knowing that?! Have you any idea how much trouble you could have caused? What if you did something your ‘client’ had no intention of doing?"

"Oh, I see!" A dim lightbulb appeared above Discord's head. "How silly of me! She wanted to cross the street, not use the booth."

Twilight felt rage bubble inside her. She lacked words to express how devastatingly angry she was. Her eyes and horn started glowing dangerously, making it clear that any word coming out of the draconequus' mouth might be his last.

"Aaaand since I've done that I'll be on my way!" Discord said quickly, then snapped himself out of existence. Unfortunately for Twilight, her anger didn't subside. For over a minute she just stood there, trembling with rage, replaying the scene in her head over and over again.

I'm going to... Argh! She shook violently. That released some of the tension, enough for her to become capable of thought again. It's almost morning and I have to deal with this?! A half full jug of coffee rose in the air and swiftly moved to her lips. Twilight knew it was a terrible idea to drink more caffeine in her state, but she didn't care one bit. I can quit anytime I want! She started gulping it down, when the glowing of the voice crystal caught her attention.

"Oh my goodness! I totally forgot!" she screamed, rushing back to her chair. Free of the the magic that kept it in the air, the jug fell to the ground, smashing into pieces. "I'm so sorry about what happened." Oh my, oh dear, oh my! How could I let this happen?! "I'll understand if you don't want to talk..." Bad move! Bad move! Now she'll think I'm making fun of her because she's mute. "What I meant to say is that I'm sorry that we couldn't talk..." Argh! That was even worse! Think, Twilight, think! This isn't a big deal. I can get through this. I just need to take a deep breath. She placed her hoof on her chest and inhaled deeply.

"Yo, Twi," the sound of dozens needles screeching on glass came together to form a voice. "Long time no see, pone."

Twilight choked. Her breath wheezed and cracked as it came out in coughs. What monstrosity did I just hear?!

"That bad, eh?" the voice screeched.

"T-t-tirek?" The alicorn trembled. That idiot Discord took one of my voice crystals to Tartarus! I'm telling Princess Celestia about this! I don't care if he's reformed!

"Ouch, that hurts!" The voice sounded a bit upset. "Last time I send you backstage passes."

"Vinyl?!"

"Got me." Something resembling a laugh made its way into the room, forcing Twilight's ears shut. "Now you know why I don't talk much."

"Stars on a stick, Vinyl! How did this happen?" Books started materializing in the room, violently turning their pages. Up to a moment ago she didn't know Vinyl could talk. Vocal overexertion, childhood curses, complications after birth... Twilight skipped through the books in turn.

"Been like that for ages." Vinyl didn't seem too bothered about it. "So, what you up to? Still cheating in games?"

Argh! Playing optimally is not cheating! "Heh, heh, heh. I've been fine. Setting up the hotline and all. Say, can I put a booth in your club?"

"Sure, why not. Looks rad enough."

"That's great! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Twilight clapped her hooves in excitement. Introducing the hotline to the vibrant music sub-culture was exactly what she needed to get publicity. If word got out that DJ Pon3 had one, everypony would be fighting to use it. Although, hopefully, not actually fighting. That would be incredibly counterproductive. "And sorry about that time I dragged you to the dinner with Princess Celestia. I really wanted to give Starlight a friendship boost..."

"Don't worry about it," Vinyl laughed, making Twilight close both her eyes and ears in pain.

"So, let me see how to help you with your voice problem." More books emerged stacking up on the desk.

"What voice problem?" Genuine surprise came through the voice crystal.

Stupid! Twilight placed a hoof over her face. I'm being rude again.

"Can't open my mouth without somepony going all sheesh!" Vinyl sighed — or it seemed like a sigh — from the crystal. "I get like this after recordings. Nothing wrong with me."

"Vinyl, I'm so sorry!" Keep it together, Twilight. Vinyl is cool, she'll understand. Don't go off blaming it all on— "Discord said you had problems, so I thought you did. You know how he can be, and I really, really—"

"Twi, chill! It's fine." Hearing that, Twilight sighed in relief. "I just asked that guy to move out of the way. He dragged me to the booth and went all 'let's see what this does.'"

"Typical." Discord, you snake! I won't forget this! One by one the books gently landed on the floor, carefully avoiding the coffee stains and glass fragments. "Of course your voice would be like this after a night of shouting... singing! I meant singing!"

"Yeah, well, I don't do that anymore. It's from my other job."

"Other job?" You have another job?

"Yeah." Even through all the screeching Twilight could sense the reluctance on Vinyl's part. "Could tell you. Just no word to anypone, k?"

"Absolutely! As per standard policy, everything you say will remain completely confidential and—"

"I'm a VA in Pegasus Wars," Vinyl cut her off. "And Left Back Hoof, and Unicorn Tactics..."

"You're a game VA?!" Twilight shouted in excitement. "This is incredible! Vinyl, do you know how many hours I spent playing all those games? Why didn't you tell me about this! We must get together sometime. Tomorrow! No, right now! I'll—"

"And that's exactly why I don't tell!" Vinyl grumbled.

"Oops." Twilight smiled sheepishly, her cheeks red with embarrassment. "Sorry. Just fanfillied out for a moment there. But it's so incredible! Who do you voice? I bet it's Onyx Prada. She's got that cool evil overlord voice, and she does shout in almost every cutscene."

"No, that's Octy." A scratchy sigh came through. "I voice all the laser sounds, and the shooting, and part of the explosions."

"Octavia?" Mind totally blown! "Octavia does voice acting? For games?"

"Sure. I brought her into the biz," Vinyl said as if it were the most ordinary thing in Equestria. "Least I could do. The bills she has on cello strings alone are killer. Besides, she's been my foalsitter for ages."

"Huh? Your foalsitter?" Twilight's mind short circuited. Things were starting to make less and less sense. Must be sleep deprivation. No way Octavia is that old. Or is she? The more she thought about it, the more absurd Twilight's reasoning became. It was like trying to put an A4 map in a B5 book — no matter how one folded it a part would just refuse to fit.

"Not mine mine, I just hired her," Vinyl explained, adding to the confusion. Vinyl has a child?! "With me working all the time she gets to be with Sound Bite. Hey, 'bout that. You good with this friendship advice, right?"

"Err, maybe?" I don't know anything anymore. I just want a drink of coffee, but I can't since the jug broke and there's no time to make a new batch, and if I try, Princess Luna will ridicule me because I'm not using the "proper" brand! Argh! She slammed her head against the desk. I want coffee! She whimpered.

"So, I'm afraid Sound might think I'm a bad mom," Vinyl started, hardly even waiting. "I've been taking him to all my shows, also to game studios and such, but he always acts shy and such. Even Techno Eyes couldn't get him to smile."

"Wait! Techno Eyes? The genius game designer of Heart of the Alicorn!?" I'm so envious right now! The clubbing might be meh, but the foal got to spend time with Techno Eyes!? I've been trying to schedule a meeting for years!

"I know, right? I've taken him on tour, bought him every toy there is. He doesn't even open the stuff. Seriously, what gives? He just spends all his time alone at home or with Octy."

"Umm... How old is Sound Bite, exactly?" Why do I feel so scared asking this question?

"Nine," Vinyl said, causing Twilight to black out for a moment.

"Nine?!" The alicorn shouted in the crystal.

"Don't judge! I was young when I had him," Vinyl said defensively. Clearly this conversation had been held before, and by the sound of it, in less than ideal circumstances.

"That's not the point!" Well, maybe it is in part. I must talk to Princess Celestia to add reproduction education to the school curriculum. I don't care what old fashioned ponies might think, the growing mares and colts of Equestria need to know exactly what to expect before they try to find out on their own! "You can't keep a nine year with you all the time, or locked up in a house... Do you have a house?"

"Five mansions," Vinyl said casually. "A few more summer houses."

"Oh..." Vinyl, it's as if I never knew you. Back in Canterlot you were just a quiet middle class filly. "The point is, he has to go to school, be with other ponies his age.

"Mare, I don't like school!" The unmistakable sound of grumbling screeches filled the room. "It's all boring and stuff."

"School is great! It's full of knowledge! And even besides that, it's not only about education, it's about socializing." Honestly, you're the worst cool mom ever, Vinyl. "You can't replace that with gifts alone. How would you feel if ponies stopped going to your clubs, but started sending you gifts instead. Would you still like clubbing?"

"Hmmm."

"It's exactly the same!" Twilight held the crystal frame with both hooves. "Trust me, I know how devastating the effects can be. Before I came to Ponyville I didn't like spending my time with other ponies, but I still liked knowing they were there. I don't even want to imagine what would have happened if I had been completely alone." I might have ended up like Moondancer. On that note, I wonder how she's doing. I better invite her over so we can catch up.

"Sooo, I send Sound to school?" The cringe in Vinyl's voice was audible.

"Yes!" Twilight shouted, grabbing the voice crystal as she did. "A thousand times yes! School is the best place there is! Nopony should grow up alone and uneducated, condemned to a life of depression! I know you think money will solve everything, but it won't! You'll only be creating another Prince Blueblood or Starlight Glimmer who will abuse wealth and social status to be nasty to others because of everything that was denied them as a foal! Do you really—"

The crystal Twilight was holding started blinking. For several seconds Twilight remained motionless, only her pupils widening and shrinking with every flash. Finally, she put it back in place, then tapped it gently.

"Hello?" Vinyl said loudly. "You broke up there for a moment, Twi."

"Technical issues," Twilight mumbled. Actually, it might be better this way. I might have gone a bit over the top there. "I think it might be a good idea to take him to school, Vinyl. Ponyville is a wonderful place. You know he'll be fine here."

"Hmm. I'll give it a think, Twi, but no promises." Vinyl didn't sound too convinced. "Huge thanks for the tip, though. You da mare!"

"Yes," Twilight found it in her power to giggle. "I da mare. Sleep well, Vinyl."

"Ha! You wish! Later, Princess!" The crystal went dark.

Well, at least that's over. Twilight yawned. There were still a few hours left until sunrise, but at this point she thought she might as well try and get some sleep. The hotline would be here in the morning. By then Twilight would have an optimal shift distribution set up, ensuring that everypony got a chance to get help at any time, and that the hotline staff had enough rest and coffee.

Twilight jotted something down on a piece of paper, then diligently put it in one of her folders. She had so many topics she had to start tackling, but all those could wait for the morning. Right now she had to—

"Twilight?" a sad voice asked behind her. "Was that... Were you talking about me just now?" Turning around, Twilight saw her student standing at the door, ears drooped, tears in her eyes. "Do... Do you see me as a monster that only wants to hurt others?"

Twilight just stood there silent. There was absolutely nothing she could think of to say right now...

12. An Unexpected Call
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

12. An Unexpected Call

"You're not a monster, Starlight." Twilight levitated a fresh box of tissues to the sobbing unicorn. So far this was the third one. "I didn't say it intentionally. It was just the first example that popped into my mind." Another empty bucket of ice cream fell to the floor, replaced by a fresh one from the fridge.

I'm such an idiot! Twilight's ears folded back. Of all the things I could have said I had to— She shook her head violently, trying to forget the unfortunate incident. Good thing she had ice cream to spare.

"Would I take you as my apprentice if I didn't think you'd changed?" She patted Starlight on the back. "Would Princess Celestia have agreed to it?"

"I...I..." Starlight blew her nose into a tissue. She had been doing that nonstop for the last half hour, to the point that the tip had reddened significantly.

"Just look at what you've accomplished!" Twilight quickly continued. "You were the first to receive a positive rating." Starlight looked at her confused, ice cream dripping from her spoon onto the table. "And from Diamond Tiara no less!" I must say I'm impressed with that. Although, technically Diamond shouting her lungs off that the service was "professional" might not exactly be considered proper feedback. "Even—"

"I'm a horrible pony!" Starlight burst out in tears again. "You and the others have been so nice to me, and I still..." She sniffed deeply, causing Twilight to cringe. Use the tissue, use the tissue! She ground her teeth. "Princess Luna came to talk to me yesterday. She said... She said..."

"The Princess of the Night can be a bit harsh at times." Twilight frowned. She still was upset at the undue criticism of her favourite coffee brand. "You really mustn't—"

"She said I must stop taking over Equestria in my dreams!" This time the unicorn blew her nose. "She also said it was inefficient, sloppy, and I would never get anything done with my harem mania!"

"Typical!" Twilight humphed. "And I expect that she also said... Harem mania?!" Her mind suddenly froze as it assessed the implications. Harem? As in more than one?

"Yes!" Starlight's spoon scooped half the contents of the ice cream bucket in front of her then shoved it in her mouth. "Flmmpf flmmpf flfff, flath, mmmph, blahgggghspf!" She tried to say, gesticulating as she did so.

Twilight felt her mane stand on edge. Calm! I must remain calm! Her manners are excused. Just this once. They are excused. Just please stop talking with your mouth full!

"Err, could you repeat that?" The Princess smiled tensely. In truth she was more than a little curious to hear the explanation, and in some detail. "I was a bit distracted. It would be nice if—"

"Yo, Twilight!" The door swung open, revealing a slightly confused Spike. "Have you seen the fridge? It's disappeared from the kitchen and I can't..." His voice trailed off. His gaze fell on the buckets of ice cream covering the floor, then the pair of ponies, finally settling on the fridge itself.

"Spike!" Twilight grumbled. "This is hardly the best time to—"

"So you took it here," he interrupted, sort of hurt. "Nah, I get it. You and your 'girl' talk and such. You could have told me, though. It's not like I'm a stranger to these things. Besides, you're lousy at keeping secrets."

"What are you talking about, Spike?" Twilight was having none of that. She had enough problems as it was, not the least of which a significant coffee and ice cream shortage. Getting Starlight to calm down was all fine and well, but Twilight had nearly depleted her stash in the process. Right now she wasn't at all in the mood for the dragon's shenanigans.

"Please, Twilight." He gave her the all-knowing level-eyed look. "I know. You broke up, didn't you? And now you and Starlight are drowning your sorrows in ice cream."

"What?!" Both Twilight and Starlight shouted in unison.

"Hey, I don't judge!" Spike waved his arms defensively. "If ice cream makes you feel better, go for it. Just next time tell me so I don't spend half the morning making pancakes, only to find that you've eaten."

"Pancakes? What?" Twilight jumped down from the couch. "No! There's no break up! We were just discussing..." she hesitated. Telling him the real issue would be an incredible faux pas. He was bound to make matters worse and drive Starlight back to crying.

"Suuure." The dragon crossed his arms. "Just like neither of you was reading pickup lines for stallions."

What? Starlight has been reading that also? Why that little traitor! And she assured me that she wasn't seeing anypony! Shocked, she turned towards Starlight, only to see the very same look in her student's eyes. That certainly was awkward. For almost a minute the two started at each other. No words were exchanged, but beneath the surface a hidden battle of accusations and counter accusations was taking place.

So you are seeing somepony! Twilight thought. And you didn't tell me?!

I knew you were after my Sunburst! A glint of jealousy appeared in Starlight's eyes.

And you took the best books on the subject without telling me!

How could you be so greedy?! Isn't tail flicking to some strange changeling enough for you? Apparently not! You want to have every stallion, don't you!?

Under my own roof! Books from my own library! I guess now I know where the romance novels have been disappearing to!

"Err, girls?" Spike dared speak only to get a pair of deathly glares from them. And while none of them shouted "what" they might well have. "I think..." Hand shivering he pointed to something behind them. Both mares turned around. The voice crystal was blinking.

"I think it's best you deal with this," Twilight said icily. "You are my number one assistant, after all. Don't you agree, Starlight?"

"Definitely." Starlight's voice felt twice as cold, if that were even possible. "You got this, Spike. Don't mind us, or anything..."

"Ookay," the dragon said with the expression of one walking on broken glass. Both mares kept him in their sights as he gingerly went to the voice crystal and tapped it. "Hey! Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline..." He paused, looking uncertainly at Twilight. "Where we solve problems big and small?" The alicorn's eyes narrowed. "Friendship, magic and that all?"

Who is she seeing? Twilight maintained her angry exterior, while bursting with curiosity on the inside. Try as she might, she couldn't remember an instance in which Starlight had spent time with a stallion. For the most part the unicorn remained hidden away in the castle, only going out to do errands or see Trixie. If there was a stallion, she was keeping him very well hidden and... Twilight froze like a strawberry in winter. Of course! How could I be so blind?! It was in front of my muzzle the entire time!

"Trixie!" the Princess shouted victoriously.

"Hello, Twilight," a cheerful response came from the voice crystal. "Trixie is honored that you've missed her. And let me say that the hotline is a wonderful idea."

"Trixie?" Twilight blinked. Her brows raised in confusion, turning towards Spike in an attempt to confirm she had heard correctly. The dragon shrugged, his mouth twisting into a hey-not-my-fault smile.

"Trixie was wondering if she could have a word with her dear friend Starry," the magician went on. There wasn't even a hint if pause, her words pouring into the room like the steam of a train roaring at full speed. Twilight's mouth slowly curved into a sly smile. Her eyes half closed completing a smug expression as she glanced knowingly at her apprentice.

"What?" Starlight asked, a faint pink line already forming on her muzzle.

Ha! I knew it! "Of course, Trixie." Twilight's smile turned into merciless grin. "One question, when you say friend, do you mean best friend?"

"Err?" Confusion stopped the train of words for just a moment. "Well, of course!" Trixie said with such confidence, making Starlight shift uneasily under the victorious glance of her mentor. "Starlight Glimmer is not just Trixie's best friend! She is, as Trixie likes to say, far more special than that."

"Oooh, special?" Twilight's smile could almost reach her ears. In contrast Starlight had become a bundle of shame, face burning bright purple, as she levitated a half-full bucket of ice cream in an attempt to hide it.

"Is it that surprising?" Trixie asked. "Do you not consider her special?" This time even Spike started snickering. "You might be used to such attention from your friends, but for Trixie, Starry is the most special pony in all of Equestria." The dragon rolled on the ground holding his mouth with both hands. A few steps away, Twilight was using all her strength of will not to join him. Please, keep talking, Trixie. She knew it was bad, but she couldn't help but enjoy a bit of vengeance. "Trixie is an entirely different mare when she's around Starry!"

"Oh?" Twilight managed to ask, seconds before Starlight cast a silence bubble around her muzzle. Nice try, my apprentice, but you are not a master yet! Her horn flashed, shattering the bubble to pieces. "How exactly?"

"How?" Trixie sounded deep in thought. Starlight made an attempt to reach the voice Crystal, but Twilight quickly froze her in place. Oh, no you don't! The alicorn grinned maliciously. "When Starry is near Trixie feels things Trixie has never felt before. And Trixie feels all warm and shiny, as if the sun is caressing her mane."

Laughs and chuckles started escaping Spike and Twilight. That's great, Trixie! It's like you're doing it on purpose!

"Just a few days ago, Trixie took Starry swimming, and—"

"There's no need to go into that!" Starlight managed to break free from Twilight's magic hold. "I'm sure the princess is quite busy with the hotline. Also, I'm at work so it's not a good time to talk about such things."

"Humph!" Trixie didn't seem pleased one bit. "So Twilight is being a work tyrant again? Would you please tell the Princess that Trixie doesn't approve of her work ethic. The employer-employee relationship is at the heart of every business—"

"Employer-employee relationships!" Spike laughed, hitting the floor with both hands.

"And if Twilight truly wishes for her experiment to grow and become a success, she has to be mindful of that, and not crush her employees under the weight of a thousand whims!" Laughter filled the room to a point that even Starlight's magic couldn't keep it down. "A real employer would... What? Do you think Trixie is being funny?!" The laughter intensified. "Well, apparently Trixie was wrong about you after all!"

"No, Trix... Argh!" Starlight covered her face with both hooves. "Twilight is just being silly with something here. It has nothing to do with you."

"Humour? That's a good thing to have at a workplace. " Trixie agreed. "As long as Twilight is treating you with care, all is fine."

"Treating her with care," Spike whispered through laughs. His eyes were full of tears.

"Yes, it's a barrel of laughs here," Starlight said in a level voice. "So, why are you calling? Is everything alright? You know if there's a problem you can talk to me anytime."

"Yes, and Trixie is happy to do that, but at present she is calling to ask Twilight something." Trixie cleared her throat. "Twilight, what positions do you have?"

"What?" The alicorn's laughter subsided. You didn't seriously ask me that!

"You know, are there any open positions?" Trixie went on as if nothing had happened. A deathly silence filled the room. "Because Trixie is available and quite capable."

Twilight glared at her student, giving her an is-she-serious look. In turn Starlight just waved a confused hoof, just as concerned on the matter. I never knew Trixie was so open minded about things, Twilight thought. And in front of her special somepony too!

"As one who has been around Equestria, Trixie could offer a vast number of skills that would be perfect for the role of Hotline assistant," the magician said proudly.

"Assistant?" Twilight blinked. "You're asking for a job?" A sigh of relief filled the room.

"Of course. Trixie has been telling you that for a while now!" Her temper didn't seem to have improved much by the experience. "Is the voice spell not working properly?"

"No, it's fine... I'm just surprised." I am understaffed... But Trixie? This is a disaster waiting to happen. "Maybe you can send a resume?" But if I don't, Starlight would be upset, and then I'll have to rely on Spike alone. "Have ‘Starry’ give it to me and we'll—"

"Oh thank you, Twilight! Trixie will start working on that immediately!" She cut the Princess off. "You'll have it by tomorrow morning! And rest assured, Trixie will be the best employee there is! After Starry, of course."

There were so many things Twilight wanted to say and ask, but before she could manage even one, the Crystal turned dim. Well, at least she knows how to work adequately with the technology. Applying for a job, though... It just felt so wrong. Worst part, there was no objective reason Twilight could turn her down. Starlight had done pretty much the same things Trixie had, and she was "employed" to work at the hotline. Twilight had to come up with a new excuse and fast.

"So, umm..." Starlight broke the silence. "Can I take the morning shift? I want to go somewhere in the afternoon."

"Sure." Twilight was barely registering the question, still thinking how to get out of the potential mess involving Trixie. "Spike will take the afternoon."

"Yes!" The dragon jumped off the ground. "Sweet!"

"And I'll see what our policy about night calls will be." How did things get so complicated so fast? Starlight having a hidden affair with Trixie, Trixie wanting to start working here. I don't even want to think what those two would do when they're together here. "So, that's it. Breakfast?"

Starlight silently nodded. "Breakfast's good," she attempted an uncomfortable smile.

I really hope there aren't any other surprises this morning...

13. Well, that happened...
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

13. Well, that happened...

Trixie, you idiot! Starlight gnashed her teeth. Of course Trixie would phone at the worst possible moment and mess things up big time. She was great as a friend—the greatest even—yet she had a knack for getting everypony to misunderstand her in the worst possible ways. If there was a Princess of Misunderstanding she would fit the role swimmingly.

More than a best friend. Starlight cast a bolt of light at the wall. The crystal surface shimmered and rippled like a pool of water, filling the crack that scarred it. Now Twilight has it in her mule's skull that Trixie and I are an item! Another bolt of light and another crack vanished off the wall. Starlight had no idea what her mentor had been doing all night, but the room had definitely been subjected to scary amounts of torture. In fact, this was the only reason Starlight hadn't openly opposed Twilight regarding the Trixie issue. If experience had taught her anything, it was that one never argues with an over-caffeinated alicorn.

"Whoa!" Spike entered the room carrying a stack of pancakes. "You have mad skills, Star! Just look at this place! It's good as new!"

Bless your little heart. The unicorn smiled. At least you're here to brighten up my day.

"Pancake?" The dragon offered, placing the plate near the voice crystal. "They're really good. I put in extra honey!"

"Sure, why not?" Starlight shrugged. She wasn't particularly hungry after all that ice cream, but a few pancakes never hurt anypony. Not when one knew a quick dieting spell, that is. All the sweets one could hope for and not an ounce of fat on her rump. "Wherr wi Twiwai?" She asked chomping down a whole pancake.

"Twi?" Spike gently pushed the plate closer to Starlight. "She said something about important business and such. Between you and me, she's off playing with her gamer friends. The last few months she's been constantly complaining that she's dropped to second page of the leaderboards. Like, I understand, but seriously? With all that yelling and shouting every time she gets killed I might as well move out."

That's strange. Starlight levitated another pancake straight into her mouth. I never heard anything of the sort. Maybe dragon hearing is more sensitive? Or maybe Twilight surrounds my room with a silence bubble?

A third pancake was on its way when the voice crystal started blinking. Of course... Starlight frowned. For several seconds she just started at it, the pancake floating inches away from her face, challenging it the crystal to a duel. Then, without warning, she bit into the slice of dough.

"Spigh." She gestured to the dragon to take the call.

"Yeah, sure." He rushed forward and tapped the crystal. "Welcome to Twilight's Friendship H—"

"Spike?" A familiar raspy voice interrupted. "Where's Twilight?"

"Rainbow Dash?" The dragon turned towards Starlight, surprised. She, on her hand just looked back blankly in an attempt to enjoy her food. "Err, Twilight’s not here right now... Weren't you supposed to organize a storm this week? Three days of rain, I think?"

"Huh? What? No!" The silent quiver of Rainbow's voice could be heard even through the crystal. "Pfft! Of course not! That starts tomorrow! Pfft!"

"Riiiight." Spike crossed his arms.

"Just give me a moment. Gotta finish something and I'll be right back!" A loud flapping noise filled the room, followed by silence.

Seconds passed. Then a minute. Two minutes. Starlight had finished half of the pancakes and even offered Spike one. All that time the voice crystal had remained glowing, yet silent. Whatever Rainbow Dash was doing, it definitely was taking more than just a moment.

"Spike, you better go do your stuff," Starlight said with an understanding smile. Not your fault Miss a-hundred-and-twenty-percent-ego flew off to brag somewhere. "I'll handle things till noon. Just remember to be back by two."

"Thanks, Star!" The dragon beamed. "Promise I'll be back on time!" He dashed out like a flash. Starlight shook her head. She didn't need to guess what his plans for the morning were. Then again, the afternoon was hers. After last night's events she was in dire need of a full spa pampering.

Three pancakes were left on the plate. Starlight glanced at them, then at the crystal, then at the pancakes again. A single drop of saliva slid down the corner of her mouth, seconds before she wiped it off in one decisive stroke. I might as well. She whooshed her tail twice, then bit into all three pancakes Pinkie-Pie style. No sooner had she done so, than a loud crackle came from the voice crystal.

"Sorry about that, Spike," Rainbow Dash said panting, trying to catch her breath. "Had to make sure nopony could listen in."

Sure, you did. Starlight rolled her eyes.

"Like, I don't want anypony to learn what I'm about to say here. Got that?" Rainbow's voice suddenly transformed into a yell, nearly knocking Starlight on the floor of shock. "Not Princess Celestia, not Twilight, and especially not Starlight!"

Of course, I'll be the last one to confide in, the unicorn thought as she struggled not to choke on pancake pieces. If she wasn't eating she would have shouted back instantly. Why did ponies keep taking her for a brain washing, time distorting, equality obsessed tyrant?

"Now, I know what you're thinking," Rainbow Dash went on. "I'm so awesome nothing could scare me, right? Well, that's true, but there's this one little thing..." Her voice trailed off, giving way to the shuffling of wings. "Like, Starlight has a really messed up past, right? Heck, she even stole our cutie marks!"

Starlight’s magic aura slid the plate of pancake remnants to the side, opening a clear path for her to shout right into the crystal. One word! Just one more word, and I'll—

"And still, I... I've fallen for her, like really bad." The phrase made Starlight freeze mid-step. Whaaa? "Like thunderbolt bad."

The magic glow vanished. Starlight's jaw dropped, spilling pieces of pancake on the floor. Did Rainbow actually say that? Her ears turned towards the voice crystal eager to hear more. How did you get such an idiotic thought in your head? Starlight shifted uneasily. For some reason she really felt like having more ice cream right now and lots of it.

"Yeah, funny, right?" Rainbow Dash sighed. "Things were simple when she was all evil and stuff. I just wanted to kick her in the face back then, but once she changed and all... Horseapples! Like, she's a unicorn! So what if she can fly? That doesn't make her all that special! Every pegasus can fly, right? It's, like, not a big deal or anything. Right?"

Starlight slowly closed her mouth and swallowed. Rainbow's rant had all the hallmarks of a completely smitten filly. This is ridiculous! At this point a professional hotline assistant would put an end to the conversation right there and then. All it would take was a quick few words, a warm, yet decisive explanation of the situation, followed by all the reasons why it wouldn't work. Instead, Starlight bit her lip. What would Sunburst think?

"You're a really good friend, Spike." A sad chuckle came from the crystal. "Listening to my trash. I really hate being like this." No kidding? Starlight thought. She could feel the clouds turning grey from the sadness in Rainbow’s voice. "How do you manage to live like this? I mean, you've been around Rarity for ages and she still barely notices you. Like, I've been at this for a few months and I can't drag myself out of bed."

Months?! Starlight's entire body twitched. Are you kidding me? Was that why you dragged a rain cloud over the beach? And then got into a fight with Trixie?

"I've so been trying to impress her," Rainbow whispered. "Constantly."

You better not be crying, you idiot! Starlight edged closer to the crystal. One of her ears drooped down while the other almost touched the voice device. It was so much like the romance novels that she had secretly been reading that she felt powerless to move away. She didn't even have the strength to end the call.

"And that stupid Rarity!" Rainbow Dash let out an annoyed puff of air, filling the room with static. "She was all 'darling, do you think that dress would look good on Starlight? Do you think this color would match her mane?' Like, duuuh! Of course she'll look nice in it! I crashed into two mannequins just imagining Starlight wearing the dress. And what's the deal with asking me for fashion advice? Rarity never takes advice! Like even for my own dress!"

My dress? Starlight could feel the blood rushing to her face. Well, it is a nice dress... This was the first time anypony had given her a compliment regarding her looks. Well, there was Trixie, but she tended to make buddy compliments; and Twilight only made her typical mentor compliments. This was the very first time anypony had given her a genuine romantic compliment, making Starlight unsure how to react.

"So, err, you think I should talk to her?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Starlight bit her hoof. Damn it! Why didn't I learn any voice changing spells! She felt like whispering ’yes’, but even a whisper would be enough for Rainbow Dash to catch on she wasn't Spike.

"Yeah, I hear what you're saying." Another deep sigh. "That'd be so hyper lame. It's not like I could catch her when she's alone. The only times she's not with Twilight she's with that witch Trixie!" Waves of rage emanated from the voice crystal. "I get they might share a slight villainous streak, but come one! And Starlight is just so awesomely cool!"

Starlight gaped.

"Like, don't tell her this, but I saw her cloud swim a few days back, and she was like whoa!" Upon hearing, Starlight scrunched her muzzle. Her eyes narrowed adding to the blush on her cheeks. Stupid, idiotic, winged chicken! "If Derpy wasn't there I'd totally have dashed down and used some of my awesomely cool pickup lines."

I'm not sure whether to be annoyed or flattered. Still, curious what pick up lines those were. Maybe pegasi have a different approach than unicorns? I'll have to read up on that.

"But I guess you're right," Rainbow continued. "Chances are she'll never notice me. And it'll be lame if I keep on giving her hints. You know how dense she is. Probably won't get it if I shouted it all to her face. Anyway, must run. Work and all. Thanks for hearing me out, Spike. I owe you one."

Before Starlight could reacquire her ability to speak, the voice crystal turned dim. The pseudo dialogue Rainbow Dash had held with "Spike" had come to an abrupt end, leaving Starlight in a state of utter confusion and disbelief. For several long minutes she stood there, waiting, hoping that the crystal would light back up.

"Well, that happened," she said staring blankly. Brainwashing villages was so much simpler. Zap, blam, no cutie mark, and everything was fine. All this friendship stuff is... She made a circle in the air with her hoof. And there's the special friendship, which is really bleh.

"Stupid Rainbow with her stupid delusions of... delusion-ness!" The unicorn humphed, summoning a bucket of ice cream. Not bothering with a spoon she buried her muzzle in the cherry flavored goodness. "Pwowwy puwwin a pwank on me aww awong!" She munched eagerly, chewing off pieces of ice cream and swallowing them almost immediately. There was no way Starlight would fall for that! Ever! Although, she did feel the sudden desire to put on her new dress and go bowling in the afternoon. The spa could wait. Besides, that had nothing to do with Rainbow Dash going bowling with her weather team after work!

The voice crystal flashed. The bucket of ice cream splashed on the floor, as Starlight eagerly tapped it.

"Hello, yes?" She instantly said, her heart pulsing in her throat.

"Hi, again," a depressed male voice responded.

"Shifty?" Starlight said with equal amounts of surprise and disappointment.

"I'm in serious trouble this time." A sigh of defeat followed. "I like the taste of alicorn love..."

14. Complicated Relationships
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

14. Complicated Relationships

Starlight and Trixie, eh? Twilight giggled as she trotted through Ponyville's main square. Not the most obvious pairing. The whole notion was one of those things that was so absurd that it was rejected outright without a moment's thought. If one looked deeper, however, it was easy to see that the two had been spending an awful lot of time together.

Aww, I simply must share this! Twilight closed her eyes in an attempt not to squee. She felt proud and gossipy at the same time. Her student had fallen in love and was keeping it a secret—very much like Twilight had kept her first crush hidden from her family. No wonder Starlight had refused Twilight's attempts to replace Trixie with some other friend. There were some things even friendship couldn't affect.

I wonder how far they've gotten, Twilight mused, glancing at the sky. Trixie did mention something about a beach—

"Ugh!" Twilight's muzzle bumped smack into something. The something had the softness of a pony, along with a faint scent of lavender perfume. "I'm so sorry!" She winced. Ouch! That hurt! Serves me right for not looking where I'm going, I guess. "I was busy think—"

Opening her eyes Twilight froze in her tracks. Based on the perfume she had expected to have bumped into a mare. She couldn't be more wrong. Standing before her was a cyan stallion... a very attractive cyan stallion Twilight had happened to notice on a few occasions. Her mouth filled with saliva. For some reason she couldn't take her eyes off him. Glasses, Daring Do limited edition cap, short slightly unkept dark mane... it truly was a match made in heaven. Her wings extended slightly, as a large smile covered her face. Must not freak out! Must not freak out!

"Why, hello." Twilight made an attempt to sound suave. "I guess Celestia's sun isn't the only thing that's blinding today." Best Impromptu Pickup Lines Vol III, chapter 2.

"Err, no problem, Princess." The reply made Twilight swoon. Her legs shook, almost giving in, yet with force of will she managed to remain upright.

Why does this guy have such an effect? He’s worse than a love potion?! "Aren't you the gentlestallion?" Twilight casually brushed his side with her wing. The stallion instantly straightened, freezing like a startled hamster. His ears perked up, only to have Twilight suppress a smile behind her hoof. I can't believe I just did that! "What was your name again?" She leaned closer.

"Shift—" the stallion began, breaking the word with a forced cough. "Star Dial," he added quickly, brows moving together.

"Star Dial. That's a lovely name," Twilight almost purred. "I've noticed you around, Star Dial. I see you've been working out. Nothing but muscle." Well, that's not entirely true. You still have a few fat patches, but hey, stallions are supposed to be curvy where it counts!

"Err, that's hardly true." The stallion took a step back. "You're just too kin—" before he could finish, Twilight moved even closer, landing a kiss on the side of his muzzle.

My stars! I really did it this time! A wave of guilt swept through Twilight, yet not enough to make her stop. Instead, she remained as she was for several more seconds, her kiss only broken by the unfortunate stallion stepping away, then stiffly left the scene. Twilight almost didn't notice. For a full minute she remaining as she was—neck extended, lips in the shape of a kiss, as if Star Dial were there. It took several stares from passers by to bring her back to her senses.

"Oh my stars!" Twilight squeaked, then covered her mouth with a hoof. What just happened? Did I smooch a complete stranger? In public?! And I thought Starlight had issues... Argh! I really need to stop having all nighters! Or at least find better coffee when I do.

"Good morning, Princess Twilight," Mayor Mare greeted. "Wonderful day today." She stopped to adjust her saddlebags. "I guess we must make the best of it before the storm hits."

"Oh, certainly." Twilight nodded, snapping out of her love trance. If there was one thing bureaucracy was good for it was to instantly drag anypony back to reality. "You know, Mayor, I was wondering if it would be possible to place a friendship hotline booth in the school?"

"Oh?" The Mayor froze. "Has something happened? My son never said anything about trouble at school."

"No, everything is fine," Twilight reassured her. "It's more a case of— You have a child in school?!"

"I've been married for twenty years." The mayor pursed her lips. "Just because I keep my private and public life separate is no reason for anypony to make assumptions! We can't all afford to kiss our special somepony in the middle of town square, can we now?"

"Oh, heh, heh, look at the time." Twilight began backing away, her face becoming redder by the second. "I'm so glad we had that talk." She turned around, resisting the urge to teleport away.

Nothing happened, she said to herself, continuing forward as casually as she could muster. This wasn't the first embarrassing situation she'd ended up in. Besides, it was just a little peck on the cheek. The stallion had probably forgotten all about it by now. Was nice though. Twilight allowed herself a slight sigh. She was obviously going to ask Applejack about Star Dial. If the stallion was in ponyville, AJ would know where to find him. Or she could ask Pinkie? Twilight cringed at the mere thought. It was outright scary how gossipy Pinkie was when she hadn't made a Pinkie Pie promise.

Bon Bon's shop had a huge Closed sign on it when Twilight arrived. Nothing new there. Bon Bon tended to work half day. Good thing that her sweets were delectable enough to support her, and Lyra's, lifestyle. Twilight knew from experience that living with a gamer wasn't easy. In fact, she was grateful that Bon Bon had allowed Lyra to keep playing computer games, let alone agree to host all the game parties in her house. Pity that she herself never played.

"Heya, Princess!" A cheerful voice came from above, startling Twilight into extending her wings. "Really huge thanks for helping Dinky. I'd totally forgotten what effect lightning could have on unicorns. Don't know why I didn't think of it sooner."

"Oh, hey, Derpy." Twilight turned around as Derpy landed on the ground with a slight wobble. "It's okay, you're not a unicorn, after all." And thank the stars for that! How you got your lightning cloud license I really don't know. "What's important is that Dinky's fine." There was a slight pause. Do I grumble at her for not inviting me cloud swimming? There was no denying Twilight still felt a bit upset, then again, Derpy had been nothing but nice ever since they had met.

"Oh, almost forgot!" The blonde pegasus leapt into the air. "Have a message for you! Seemed important too."

"But?" Twilight narrowed her eyes. If she knew one thing it was that with Derpy there always was a "but."

"Heh." Derpy smiled sheepishly fluttering backwards. "I sort of left it at home." Twilight rolled her eyes. "It wasn't sent through the proper mail service channels! A scroll just popped up in the middle of the street." Her alarm changed to discontent. "... five feet from the ground. It nearly made me crash into a wall!"

"It's fine, Derpy," Twilight sighed, still smiling. "Just bring it when you can. I'm sure it's nothing." I'd know if my help was needed that urgently.

"Thanks, Princess!" Derpy's smile eclipsed the sun. "Ayyellow!" She shouted cheerfully—her unique goodbye of the month—then dashed off into the sky, crashing through a few clouds as she did.

Twilight shook her head. Her friends really had their peculiarities. At least it wasn't as bad as with Minuette. The thought made both of Twilight ears droop down. She really hoped that things weren't as bad as Amethyst and Lyra had made them out to be. The saddest part was that being gullible was part of Minuette's nature. If there was a pony that would see the positive in anyone and anything, that was Minuette. The poor unicorn had been taken advantage of so many times because of this particular trait of hers, and yet refused to change. Somehow her inner joy had remained unfazed after suffering three heartbreaks, losing a fortune of bits on gifts, and loaning half of her possessions never to see them again.

I'm probably overthinking this. Twilight knocked on the the door. it's probably not that bad. Surely Minnie's learned from her past experie—

"Hey, Twilight!" The door swung open as a unicorn leapt from inside, grabbing her in a firm hug. "How are you? It's been ages! Wow, you certainly have been working out. Burned the fat off all the right places, am I right?" She pulled away, letting Twilight breathe.

"Err, hi, Minnie." Twilight managed a polite smile.

"Guess what!" Minuette beamed. "I'm no longer single!"

Twilight dug her hooves in the ground as she attempted to keep a neutral expression. That's what you said last time! She wanted to scream. Things weren't as bad as Lyra and Amethyst had described, they were ten times worse!

"And he promised to join us today!" The blue unicorn went on, hopping joyfully in place. "Isn't that great? Isn't it?"

"Wow. That's—" Unexpected. "—nice."

"Min, is that the cheater out there?" Lyra's voice bellowed from inside the shop.

Twilight's chest puffed up. Her mouth opened to voice her opinion on the matter. Whatever words came out, however, were quickly drowned in the sea of Minuette's remarks and questions. In that regard she hadn't changed one bit. In half a minute Twilight managed to learn about Minuette’s life the last three months, all the recent events in Canterlot, as well as the latest Blueblood scandal. Naturally, most had to do with Minuette's virtual coltfriend.

Nodding and agreeing, Twilight entered the shop and climbed to the second floor. The room was quite different from her last visit. Apparently, Lyra and Bon Bon had made considerable changes. The old furniture was gone, replaced by floor cushions; all the shelves had been removed, along with Bon Bon's prized cooking trophy collection, opening space for a collage of grand posters that covered two entire walls. Twilight instantly recognized Alicorn II, EverfreeQuest, The Mare Who Said No—a popular, though overly romantic spy movie—as well as several signed metal band posters.

I bet Bon Bon had a hoof in that! Twilight thought. Despite her candy-cute appearance Lyra was quite the slob when it came to anything else.

The visual crystal had also been traded in for a newer model, offering a two by three feet virtual window that dwarfed Twilight's own gaming system. So that's how you want it, eh? Twilight's gamer envy reared its ugly head. Well good luck! I'm getting the new 3D visual crystal prototype next month! Like to see what you think of your system then!

"So you finally made it," Amethyst asked, eyes glued to the game. She was lying on the floor—taking three times as much space as any other pony—bashing the buttons of her MagHoof controller. "Get your rump in here! The new quad-team event has started."

"That's if you can play without cheating," Lyra snarked beside her. "Camping and cornerbucking are banned during the event."

"Girls! Seriously!" Twilight flapped her wings twice, pouting. "It's a perfectly legal and sound strategy. Besides, I can do multiple play styles."

"Like you did against KillerS?" Amethyst laughed. Lyra soon joined in, flustering Twilight in the process.

Of course you'll point that out! Not like any of you have managed to take her down! Grumbling under her breath, she levitated a floor cushion to her and sat heavily on top. Becoming a princess had really ruined her gaming cred. A few years ago she could make top ten with hardly any effort. Now she barely managed to remain in the top hundred. And in the meantime her friends were—

"Is everything okay, Minnie?" Twilight asked concerned. Only now it hit her that ever since they entered, Minuette had been remarkably quiet. She hadn't even joined in the mocking.

"Oh, sorry, yeah." She snapped back to reality offering a wide smile. "I'm just so excited. Today I get to meet my coltfriend and present him to you at the same time!" Everypony in the room stopped whatever they were doing and looked at her with uneasy smiles. "Did I tell you Bon Bon managed to find where he's playing from?"

"That's news to me," Twilight laughed tensely.

"Canterlot!" Minuette levitated herself off the floor. "He lives in Canterlot! Isn't that great?"

"Oh, does he?" Twilight glanced at Amethyst and Lyra. Both stared back, raising their eyebrows almost in perfect synch. Seriously? I have to do this alone? Well, I guess I am the Princess of friendship, but you could have prepared her at least!

"Definitely!" Minuette replied raising towards the ceiling. "Like this is a seriously big step for him! The stories he's told me... all that bullying, just because he's a stallion. I can't believe how lucky I am he didn't take me for yet another crazy."

"Lucky, uh-huh." Twilight swallowed. Her wings folded firmly to her body, very much like Celestia's did when she had an important topic to discuss. "Minnie, I want to be happy for you, I really do, but are you sure it's a stallion?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Minuette's smile remained the same, but the spell surrounding her lost its strength, gradually landing her back on the floor. "And don't tell me 'there are no stallions online!'"

"Okay, because last time—"

"It's nice of you to worry about me, Twilight, but everything is fine." Minuette continued, each word spoken more sharply than the last. "He's almost not asked me for money. I feel this one is different. Trust me."

If some mare breaks your heart again, I'll find her and not even Celestia will stop me from doing what I have in mind! "We trust you, Minnie. It's just..." Just what? That you're as gullible as a newly born foal? "Have you actually seen any pictures of..." Twilight paused.

"StrongHooves443," Minuette said flatly, narrowing her eyes.

"Right." Fakest name ever! The absence of immediate answer indicated that Minuette had not. "Have you spoken to him other then text?" Minuette looked at the game window, avoiding Twilight's gaze. "Have you—"

"Why do you have to be like this?" Minuette snapped. The tips of her ears were down, her lower lip was trembling. "Why can't any of you believe something good could happen to me? Am I cursed? Am I no good for anypony?!"

"Minnie..." This was exactly what I didn't want to happen! Twilight stood up. She approached, attempting to gently put a wing on the unicorn's shoulder. Minuette pushed it briskly away.

"No! Everything will be all right!" Her voice shivered. "You'll see! He'll be here any minute, then I'll—"

"Min." Lyra tapped her on the foreleg with a levitated controller. On the game window, flashing in the upper right corner, was a scroll icon... right next to a thumbnail with the gamer tag StrongHooves443 written in bright orange letters.

Without a word, Minuette snatched the controller with her magic and clicked on the icon.

StrongHooves443 [09:37:12 12-4-1005] Hi, Sweetness. Have a sec?

All eyes focused on Minuette. Twilight bit her lip. Nothing good follows this question. I hope StrongHooves443 at least has the decency to come clean now and stop stringing her along.

MinnieMax [09:37:58 12-4-1005] Hey, bby. All k? U at the station? Minuette wrote back, her left leg tapping on the floor uncontrollably.

StrongHooves443 [09:38:07 12-4-1005] Sorry, bunny. I can't make it :(

MinnieMax [09:38:15 12-4-1005] ?!? You hurt? Were the bits I sent not enough?

StrongHooves443 [09:38:21 12-4-1005] No, that's... I just don't feel like it. Maybe some other time?

MinnieMax [09:38:35 12-4-1005] Bby, u promised.

StrongHooves443 [09:38:21 12-4-1005] I know, I know... Maybe next time, okay?

MinnieMax [09:38:41 12-4-1005] Did I do something wrong?

StrongHooves443 [09:38:55 12-4-1005] No, Minnie, you're fine. It's me. Just dealing with stuff. Please have fun with your friends. Promise to make it up to you! *nuzzles*

MinnieMax [09:39:02 12-4-1005] K. Tell me if anything's wrong, though. K? Miss u already.

Finishing the message, Minuette levitated the controller on the ground. Staring blankly forward, she rubbed her eyes with her forehoof, then sighed deeply. For several seconds, each lasting a lifetime, she sat there silent, motionless, ears flat on her scalp. Then, without warning, she turned around.

"Well, I guess I'll bring him some other time." She smiled. Tears sparkled in the corners of her eyes. "We can still enjoy ourselves, right?" Everypony nodded, adding halfhearted jokes in agreement.

"Absolutely!" Twilight placed a hoof on Minuette's shoulder. This time there was no resistance. I hate it when I'm right! I saw it a mile away! "You know how I've been skipping our sessions lately? Maybe he has a busy life as well?" I hate myself so much right now.

"Yeah, I bet he's an alicorn as well." Minuette's laugh was so deprived of joy it shriveled in the air disappearing in a puff of gloom. Twilight was just about to add a humorous response of her own in an attempt to lighten the mood, when the sound of banging came from the door below.

"Are we expecting anypony else?" Twilight turned to Lyra.

"Not that I know," the aquamarine unicorn shrugged. "Bon Bon left cookies and told me I’ve got the place to myself till evening."

The pounding on the door intensified.

"I'll get it," Twilight volunteered. Of all the possible times, why did it gave to be now?! "Minnie, show those losers how to play. I'll join in a bit," she added, giving Minuette a friendly tap on the back. There was so much more Twilight wanted to say, so much more she wanted to do. One of her childhood friends was on the verge of a breakdown, and yet she couldn't be with her because she had to deal with some idiot stomping on the door.

I must make this quick! Twilight rushed out if the room and down the stairs. All that time the banging continued. Whoever was outside was quite impatient, to put it mildly. Twilight, of course, could use her Princess status and shoo them off. That would hardly be befitting, however.

Maybe I'll just grumble at them? She reached for the door. It’s not like there could be a more pressing concern. Right? Could Twilight be sure, though? What if somepony with a serious problem had called the hotline and no one at the castle could handle it? Starlight had shown she had issues with the complicated stuff, and Spike… was just Spike.

Closing her eyes, Twilight took a deep breath, visualized a calming stream, then exhaled in small intervals. I can deal with anything! she told herself. No matter the problem—large or small—I can deal with it! she opened the door.

"Please, tell me what could be so important that you—" she stopped. Facing her, slumped on the doormat like a sack of apples, was the most depressed pony Twilight had ever seen. Blonde mane, grey coat, wings, bubble cutie mark... there was just one pony in Equestria that had all, and Twilight had never seen her as sad as now.

"Derpy?" She blinked. "What happened?"

The pegasus looked up, sniffed, then brushed her tears off with her wing. Her eyes were red and puffy.

"I… I just..." Derpy began, sobbing at every word. "I just broke up with my coltfriend.” She grabbed Twilight, bursting in tears on her shoulder.

“Derpy…” Twilight patted her gently on the back of the head. There was nothing more left to say.

15. Alicorn Love
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

15. Alicorn Love

"Please tell me you didn't..." Starlight closed her eyes then started massaging her temples. She could feel a migraine coming on even before Shifty had said a word. "You didn't do something stupid like kiss her, right?" She laughed nervously.

"No..." The weak whimper from the voice crystal made Starlight exhale in relief. "She kissed me."

"What?!?" Starlight slammed both forehooves on the desk, nearly toppling it. Every hair in her mane rose up with such drive she almost became bald.

"On the muzzle!" Shifty added in an I'm-so-ashamed-but-by-the-stars-I-really-liked-it tone of voice. "It was so sweet you can't even imagine. Like one second and poof, everything went blank. I couldn't see anything. I've no idea how I managed to get out of there. The stuff is really powerful, I tell you!"

"I see..."

"Like, Chrysalis really picked the wrong pony to impersonate. If she had taken Shining's place, she'd have been so drunk on love, like I couldn't tell you."

"Okay..."

"I mean, I've been harvesting for years, and I couldn't even imagine there was anything like it!" There was a slight pause during which Starlight could hear the changeling swallowing the drool gathered in his mouth. "Best thing, it has practically no calories. Pure, healthy, non-fattening love which tastes of bittersweet cherries mixed with mustard and alcohol."

"So it was delicious, I get it!" Starlight snapped. "Maybe move to the important bit? Like the exact extent of the problem?"

"Oh, right, sorry," the changeling coughed, then swallowed again. Great, a changeling in love, Starlight facehoofed. Some things I could have lived without witnessing. "So I went and put an end to all of my flings."

"As if you haven't tried that before," Starlight grumbled under her breath.

"Most took it okay enough. I got a slight increase in calories, but thanks to your idea it doesn't matter. I can always resell the stuff."

And now I've made him into a businesschangeling. Starlight slapped herself on the head again.

"Problem is with the... official ones." A slight pause followed, so much so that Starlight could feel her mane tingle again.

Oh, no you don't! She stood up and turned her back to the voice crystal. No way in Tartarus I'm going to ask. You can keep your overcomplicated life, and your problems, and your three families! I don't want anything to do with it!

She opened a cabinet drawer with her magic and levitated all the files in front of her. the number was impressive, having in mind the hotline had only been working for about a day. And those were only the official ones. The more "complicated" calls were kept off the record, though knowing Twilight she was probably already thinking of a system to automate things and log every incoming request. When that happened, Starlight would have to find a way to counterspell the process in such a fashion so as to leave no trace. There were calls that nopony had to know about... such as Rainbow's confession.

Reading files. The unicorn hummed, doing everything in her powers to keep her back to the voice crystal. Would you look at that? Twilight definitely had an interesting night. Lightning discharge... I wish I could get a proper magical problem, instead of these messy friendship ones. Technically, Twilight must deal with friendship. I'm just... Drops of sweat started to appear on her forehead. Gnashing her teeth in desperation, Starlight summoned the summoned the first book she could think of and opened at a random page.

There we go. Starlight focused on the picture in the upper half of the page. An example of sensitive areas on pegasus wings. What?!? Her face turned crimson as she stared as the illustration of a pegasus wing extended in such fashion so that all sensitive areas were visible and clearly marked. She slammed the book shut, reading the title. The shade of purple deepened.

"What in Equestria did I..." she gasped. This was the worst possible time for literature of that nature.

"Having technical difficulties again?" Shifty asked helpfully.

Starlight levitated the book, along with all the caller files, back in the filing cabinet. I'm going to return that to the library right after the call. She focused her attention back on the voice crystal.

"Yes, yes," she replied in her most convincing voice. At least she had no problem lying... which was a problem in itself. "I'll tell Twilight to get it fixed." She brushed the sweat off her face. "As you were saying?"

"I'm not sure now to break the news to my spouses," Shifty hiccuped. "I told my fiancé, but she didn't take it too well. Quite traumatic stuff. I think I might've broken her heart..."

"Oh, we all make silly mistakes. " Starlight waved a hoof before realizing what she had heard. "For your sake I hope you're joking!" she snarled, squinting at the crystal.

"It was hard for me too!" Shifty said defensively. "I actually liked Derpy."

"Derpy?" Starlight blinked. "You were engaged to Derpy?!" Lovable clumsy Derpy? The amusing mailmare that everypony likes? That Derpy?! Oh, you've done it now, bug! There are things that even a student of the Princess of Friendship cannot forgive! "What exactly did you say?" she hissed at the crystal. Maybe if I focus enough magic through the crystal I could roast you like a pancake?

"Err..." A series of fwooshing sounds followed, each annoying Starlight more and more. Please, continue stalling… Her horn started glowing. "Well, I delicately suggested that maybe our relationship had runs its course?" The hesitation in his voice convinced Starlight beyond the shadow of a doubt that he was lying. Her horn glowed brighter. "Actually..." Another pause. "I just said I'm breaking up because I was intoxicated by Princess Twilight's love." Starlight's eye began to twitch. Her mouth opened, yer her brain couldn't come up with anything she felt was harsh or sarcastic enough to say. As far as she was concerned Shifty had just proven he's an idiot. "Derpy got rather upset."

"Soooo," Starlight began calmly, her voice as soft as silk. "Derpy got rather upset, eh?" Her horn was bursting with magic, glowing with the brightness and intensity of a miniature star. "Shifty, sweetie, where exactly are you right now?"

"Huh? Sugarcube Corner, why?" the changeling asked, surprise in his voice. "It's the noise, isn't it? Sorry. Some foal is having a birthday and is making a racket." Starlight's horn faded back to normal. Oh, you're so lucky, you fat bug! She tisked. There was no way she could risk hurting anypony else, especially foals. Then again, there would be other opportunities. "Oh, I nearly forgot! That's not the main reason I called."

"Oh? You broke the news to your husband and two wives as well?" Starlight slammed the desk with her hoof. If only the desk was your stupid fat face!

"That would have gone better, I think," the changeling considered. "Tree Hugger isn't bothered by such stuff, Caramel is so much in love he'd agree to anything if it would make me happy, and—"

"Wait!" Surprise washed away all the rage that Starlight had gathered, leaving her utterly confused once more. "Caramel's your husband?" That's almost as ridiculous as Tree Hugger marrying anypony! Next you'll tell me that Rainbow Dash... She stopped. That thought would have been great yesterday. After this morning, things were a bit different.

"I know, right? Yet for some reason he insists on keeping it a secret." The shrug could almost be felt through the voice crystal. "He isn't sure the town's ready to accept it yet. That's not the most important, though!"

Silence. Starlight looked at the voice crystal. It was still glowing in its soft light, indicating that both it and the spell maintaining it were functioning as expected. This is bad. She swallowed. Experience had taught her that the degree of the problem was always proportional to the length of the pause in a conversation. This had lasted ten seconds so far, so it had to be huge. The unicorn stared at the crystal in hope.

Fifteen seconds.

Starlight's eyes grew wide. Subconsciously she leaned forward, ears focused to hear the slightest sound.

Twenty seconds.

Starlight bit on her hoof. What? What did you do? Just say it! You proposed to Twilight? You got an angry mob after you? What?!?

"Umm, you see… When I broke up with Derpy, I might have gotten a bit upset..." An apologetic laugh followed.

"Get on with it!" Starlight shouted with all her voice.

"IusedmymagictosendafurioushivemessagetoQueenChrysalis," he said hurriedly, in attempt to hide the meaning. For several seconds Starlight just stood there, left eye twitching, mouth carved in a maniacal smile. Then she bucked the chair through the door and out into the corridor.

Kill you! I'm going to kill you! Let Luna banish me to the moon, I don't care! The desk cracked under the pressure it was subjected to as Starlight slammed her hooves on it. Starlight closed her eyes, trying to find a reason not to destroy the room and everything in it.

"You waltz into Ponyville," she began, each word dropping like a cube of ice. "You take several identities, start a bunch of relationships, marry three times, fall for Twilight—of all ponies—break the heart of the most lovable character in Ponyville, and then have the nerve to provoke Queen Chrysalis into attacking?!" Starlight's tone increased as she talked—from shouting to glass shattering.

"It's not my fault!" Shifty whimpered. "Do you know what alicorn kisses are like? They’re like pure alcohol! I might be a bit tipsy now, but you should have seen me ten minutes ago, before I took an ice shower."

"Sure! Blame it on Twilight, why don't you?" Starlight crossed her forelegs.

"No, really!" He insisted. "Like... remember how you fell under the table when Trixie share a bottle of her family's liqueur?"

Starlight suddenly froze. She didn't think anypony had witnessed the incident, but apparently she was wrong. Shifty must have been there disguised as a tree or rock or rat... He had probably seen her take a glass of the liquid fire that Trixie had so innocently called "juice with a kick." Strictly speaking, Starlight was clueless what had happened afterwards. All she could remember was waking up in Cloudsdale on top of town hall without a clue as to how she had gotten there. Apparently it had been quite the adventure—one she had sworn Trixie never to mention to anypony under threat of being brainwashed.

"I recall a bit," she lied, casting a quick repair spell on the desk.

"Well, it's the same for me. Who knew?" He hiccuped again. "I'm much better now. So, umm, what do I do?"

"Huh?" Starlight gaped at the crystal. "What do you mean what do you do? You caused this mess!"

"Well, true... but isn't that what the hotline is for?" He asked with a slight hiccup. "You know, friendship problems and all?"

"Look—"Just because this is a friendship hotline doesn't mean you can dump every problem on me! If I wanted to solve all of Equestria's problems I would have continued brainwashing villages! "—this is not what the hotline is used for. If you had an argument with somepony—like Derpy for example—or issues with your family... families, then you use it. You don't use it to let me know we'll be having a changeling invasion!"

"Well, umm, err, technically it's a family issue." Shifty had no intention of quitting. "And there won't be a changeling invasion. Seriously, you need to see a therapist or something. I mean, that would be great for a book, but it's a bit overdramatic for real life."

I'll give you overdramatic when I zap your vocal cords out of your fat shell! "Okay, so what exactly is the problem?" Starlight levitated another chair to her and sat down.

"Raiding party," he said. At this point Starlight had gone well beyond the state of shock. Tirek could come from Tartarus and ask her for tea and she wouldn't be bothered one bit. "Maybe you could, you know, somehow tell Twitwi to expect a changeling raiding party?"

"Twitwi?" Starlight glared at the voice crystal.

"Too soon?" Shifty asked with far more concern than in any other moment during the conversation. Someone definitely needs to work on his priorities, Starlight thought. "Twily? Sparkles?"

"Sure, why not?" the unicorn sighed. "I'll tell 'Twitwi' to expect a changeling raiding party to invade Ponyville, because a changeling literally got drunk on her love and made an crazy call to Queen Chrysalis calling her an idiot. Anything else?"

"Could you skip the part about me? I don't want Twitwi to get a bad impression of me." Shifty hiccuped. Starlight rolled her eyes.

"Nooo problem." Some days it's just not worth getting out of bed. If I survive this raid, I'm writing this all down in my memoirs! "That all? Do you want me to console Derpy, by chance? Or maybe have Rarity prepare your wedding dress?" She thought for a moment. "Twilight's wedding dress." She thought a bit more. "Your wedding dresses! Whatever!"

"That's really kind of you, but I'm sure Twitwi will want to organize everything herself." Shifty's voice had become alarmingly dopey. "And I'll find a way to make it up to Derpy."

Maybe I could just kill him and erase everyone's memory of him? In the grand scheme of things that's a good thing. First thing I'm doing is finding a changeling reveal spell!

"Thank you!" a sigh of relief came from the crystal. "You really are good at this. Twitwi was really smart to put you in charge."

Ha! If you think that would make up for the mess you caused, think again! Starlight snorted. However, as much as she resisted the flattery had taken the edge off her anger.

"I really hope this is the last time that you call!" What has become of my life? I'm giving friendship advice to a changeling with an eating disorder... Starlight tapped on the crystal, not giving Shifty a chance to say another word. The three messes he made were more than enough. Now she was supposed to tell Twilight that the "love of her life" was actually a changeling who might well have caused the destruction of Ponyville.

Just another day at the friendship hotline, where every call is—

*blink* *blink* *blink*

Starlight recoiled from the crystal as if it were a poisonous snake. Her subconscious had taken control of her body and was repeating one word: run! The first two calls had already messed up her mind more than enough. Should she risk a third?

The crystal kept on blinking. The traitorous little thing kept on going, knowing it held power over her.

You win! Starlight tapped it with her hoof, already regretting the action. "Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline. This is Starlight Glimmer, how may I be of help?"

"Good morning, Miss Glimmer," the caller greeted eloquently. "This is Silver Spoon, I believe we met briefly when you teleported to assist with our use of the hotline yesterday."

"Oh, yes, I remember." Which one was Silver Spoon again?

"I'm sorry to bother you at such an early hour, but the matter is urgent. Scootaloo aims to take over Equestria, and plans to do so this weekend."

16. Derpy's Secret
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

16. Derpy's Secret

"Take your time." Twilight inched away from her friends. "There's plenty of ice cream to go around."

I really need to double my ice cream subscription, she sighed mentally. Starlight had all but decimated her personal supply a few hours ago, and now Derpy and Minuette were finishing the job. Looking at the two heartbroken mares sitting next to each other, muzzles in their ice cream buckets, was enough to dishearten anypony. Almost in unison both lifted up their heads then pushed the empty containers her direction.

I'm definitely calling Cadence! Twilight let out a nervous laugh, then summoned two new buckets to be devoured.

Some game gathering this had turned out to be. She had known, of course, that the point was to have a serious talk with Minuette, but that had gone quite badly. Add a heart-shattered Derpy to the equation and everything goes insane. Lyra had lasted ten minutes before rushing out to find Bon Bon, terrified of the prospect of them splitting up. Why that was a concern, Twilight really didn't know. Might be a good thing, though. Lyra has been taking Bon Bon for granted lately.

"Umm, Dinky asked if you could take her cloud swimming tonight," Amethyst said, trying to lighten the mood somewhat. "She really enjoys that."

"She's..." Derpy wiped the ice cream off her muzzle. "She's a muffin. I just wish... *sniff*" Not good, not good! "I just wish I could have a little filly of my own. And now, I..." She burst in tears again, burying her muzzle in the ice cream bucket.

Why do depressed mares have to eat in the sloppiest ways? Twilight's etiquette obsession kicked in. Seconds later her ears flopped. Great job, Twi. Some friend you are. They need your help and you're thinking of table manners.

"Is this *sniff* your first heartbreak?" Minuette patted Derpy on the back between chomps of ice cream.

"Uh-huh." The pegasus glanced at her. "You?"

"Eleventh." The matter-of-fact way she said it made Twilight shiver. Eleventh?!? My Celestia! "First three are the worst..." Tears started trickling down her face once more. "The first time I found the love... the love of my life..." The sniffling was getting in the way of her talking. Minuette levitated a tissue to her and blew her muzzle loudly. "That the love of my life was a mare pretending to be a stallion!" She burst into tears, receiving a comforting wing on the back from Derpy.

"We... *sniff* we were engaged," Derpy could hardly keep her tears. "I booked a week's leave for the wedding. And today... today... today he told me he was in love with another!"

The crying intensified with both mares weeping on each other's shoulder. Twilight looked at them for a few seconds, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, then exhaled evenly.

"Well, I'm not leaving you in this condition!" She stomped her hoof. "Whatever it takes, I'll make you feel better, even if I have to spend all night here!"

"But what about your friendship hotl—" Amethyst began, only to have Twilight pause her.

"Spike and Starlight can handle it just fine!" She summoned four new buckets of ice cream, along with a spoon. Regardless of the circumstances, she had no intention of resorting to muzzle eating. "You're my friends, and I'll be damned if I'm not with you when you need me the most!" All eyes were on her. Derpy and Minuette's ears even had perked up. "Minnie, I promise you I'll get to the bottom of this!" She turned to the blue unicorn. "I'll find who this StrongHooves is, and if it turns out to be another scamming mare, I'll make her wish she was banished to Tartarus!"

The faintest of smiles emerged on Minuette's face. That's good. I can work with this.

"And, Derpy." Twilight turned to the pegasus. "When I find who that conniving, wretched, coltfriend-stealing snake in the grass is, I'll—"

"It's you," Derpy said quietly.

"Aha!" Twilight stomped on the floor, victorious. "I should have known! Who else but... Wait, what?" Her ears flopped down. "It's me?" Good joke there, Derpy. Trying to lighten the mood, right? Right?!

"Yes," Derpy sniffed. The remaining two mares darted angry glances at Twilight. They had all but called her a hypocrite out loud. "He said were breaking up because he was intoxicated by your love."

"I never said that to anypony!" Twilight pulled away. If it wasn't for the teleportation dampener Bon Bon had set up in the building, she would have been long gone. "I don't even have a special somepony!"

"Oh?" Amethyst narrowed her eyes. "What about that stallion you’re constantly ogling?"

"Star Dial?" Twilight gasped. That can't be true! No, no, no, it just can't! "I just exchanged a few words about Daring Doo books. Literally."

"We've been engaged for seven months," Derpy sniffed. "We became a couple shortly after he came to Ponyville... three years ago."

Stars almighty! Twilight's eyes widened in absolute horror. "Three years," she whispered. I might as well have cut her heart out. "Derpy, I..." She moved closer. "I had no idea that..."

"It's not your fault." The pegasus offered a sad smile before returning to her ice cream. "I knew it would happen... Who in their right mind would choose me over... over anypony? My eyes, my sense of direction, the way I talk..."

"None of that!" Twilight said firmly. I won't let you beat yourself down, especially now that I've stabbed you in the back! Whatever it takes I will get you to feel better! You and Minnie both! "You are a smart, attractive mare! Stars, you could be on the covers of fashion magazines! If I'm not mistaken you and Cloudchaser are the only ones to have a full thundercloud license! Even Rainbow Dash only has a temporary one! Not only that, but you have two jobs! Just because you’re clumsy from..." Twilight's voice trailed off. Saying it out loud make her realize the impossibility of her statement. Everypony knew how clumsy Derpy was—she was the subject of countless jokes. But if that were the case, how had she received a Cloudsdale approved weather license?

Tilting her head slightly, Twilight took a closer look at Derpy. In this light the pegasus appeared quite normal—her silly way of talking was gone, she hadn't made a single mess since she had arrived, only her eyes reminded of her goofiness.

"Derpy?" The conversation of Star Dial gave way to another topic. "How did you get your thundercloud license?"

"Wonderbolt issue," the mare sniffled. "All squad leaders have them."

"You're a Wonderbolt?” Twilight shouted in disbelief. Minuette and Amethyst fared no better, staring at Derpy mouths wide open. "But, but... how? When?"

"Half an year before you came to Ponyville," Derpy said, then scooped some more ice cream with her muzzle.

"Oh." Twilight and the rest nodded in unison. Well, that explains it... No! That doesn't explain anything! "Wouldn't somepony have noticed?"

"How?" Derpy looked at her with a half smile, ice cream covering her entire nose and muzzle. "Ponies look at the suits, not the ones wearing them. Besides, I was a prodigy. They made me a regular straight after the academy." She looked at the half full bucket of frozen goodness, then pushed it away. "I was Blondie, Spitfire's protege. Young and foolish I wanted to prove myself way too much. I flew through thunderclouds, mocked others for their slowness and cowardice... I was anything but a good pony. I even laughed at Rainbow Dash a few times. At the time I didn't think she was Wonderbolt material."

"I... I never knew." Twilight swallowed. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Tell you that I was a huge jerk?" Derpy snapped back. "Sure, why didn't I go with that? Hello, ponies, I thought you were jerks till yesterday, so will you welcome me?" Twilight and Amethyst looked at the floor. Only Minuette gave the Pegasus a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "Whatever I had I lost in the accident." New tears appeared in her eyes, tears of bitterness. "When an Everfree thundercloud category four appeared I was oh-so-eager to prove I could handle it. Well... I didn't!" Wings covered her face. "I couldn't..." she wept.

"Oh, Derpy." Twilight went beside her and placed her wing on Derpy's back. "It's okay. We're here."

"The Wonderbolts retired me," she went on though her tears. "They already made an exception taking in a cross-eyed flyer. But even they couldn't use a pegasus who’d lost her sense of direction. I was given a medal and transferred to weather control." Twilight bit her lip. All this time and I never knew the pain Derpy was keeping buried deep inside, hidden under that false goofy smile. "Me, the rising star, demoted to weather duty! And to serve under Rainbow Dash of all ponies! I thought my world had come to an end."

Twilight didn't say a word. If experience had taught her one thing it was to give a chance for a pony to cry out all her bitterness.

"I so hated Dash back then. I found it insulting she should be my boss." Teardrops continued fall on the floor. "That's why I destroyed town hall. Just to get back at her. I didn't want to be cast out, so I pretended to be an idiot."

"You what?" Amethyst arched a brow.

"I knew Dash was scared of lightning. That's why I brought a thundercloud." Derpy pulled her wings back. Her eyes were redder than ever. "I was also jealous of you, Twilight." She looked at the princess. "Even before you started flirting with Star Dial." Flirting might be going a bit far, Twilight thought as her cheeks blushed. "All the things I did, the mail I kept ’misplacing’, the storm clouds that accidentally floated over the library, even the piano I dropped on you!"

That was deliberate? Twilight thought back to the event. It did seem strange how all those things had somehow managed to land precisely on her. At the time she’d chalked it up to the Pinkie Sense.

"Even now." New tears gathered in her eyes. "I... I... I just came here to be mad at you!" She started crying again. Twilight still had no idea how to react. I stole her coltfriend in front of her nose, while she's been harboring a grudge ever since I set hoof in Ponyville. And all this time I didn't even suspect! A single day of the hotline and her perception of so many things had changed. Twilight felt like she had lived in an ivory tower all her life. She had faced big challenges, saved Equestria, but had she taken the time to look beneath the surface of the Equestria she was saving? Apparently not.

"I'm sorry, Derpy," Twilight whispered. "I'm sorry about everything I put you through. You were right to be upset. One look at your eyes and I had made up my mind about you: lovable and clumsy. Even after I got to know you, I didn't bother to consider you might need help in any way. Hay, I didn't even think you could have a coltfriend!"

"And you were right!" Derpy stomped on the floor. "I couldn't! Even when I was in the Wonderbolts, there were no candidates. And now..."

"Hey, don't be like that." Amethyst moved closer as well. "Every time we go to a club stallions glance your way. So what if some jerk dumped you? His loss! Let Twilight deal with his drama."

"I heard that!" Twilight mock pouted.

"And what if you did pull a trick on Rainbow? We all know she's a pranking menace with the ego the size of the sun." Everypony chuckled. "The way she's running the weather lately, I—"

"Dash is lovestruck," Derpy interrupted, bringing the confusion to a whole new level. Celestia might as well have entered the room dressed as a jester and she still would have gotten no attention whatsoever. "I'm a pegasus, I can spot the signs. Besides, ponies don't mind gossiping when I come near. She's been absent minded, prone to mood shifts, constantly changes the schedule, and weeps in clouds."

All nodded in unison. Classic signs of extreme infatuation.

"The important thing now is that you get better." I'll check that Rainbow angle later, Twilight thought. "It's clear you've been through a lot, and sorry can hardly cover it, but please stop pretending to be what you're not. There is at least a classroom full of colts and fillies that adore you, Derpy. You say you were great once, you still are! And not in the Trixie type of way." Okay, maybe that was mean on my part.

"I guess." Derpy ventured a weak smile. "Thanks, girls. I... I think I'll go fly a bit now."

"Do you want me to join you?" Twilight offered. "I can—"

"No." Derpy shook her head. "Sorry, Twi, but I want some time alone to figure things out. Take care, Minnie, Amy," she looked at the other two mares. "And tell Dinky I'll come fetch her this evening."

With as little as a wing wave Derpy then leaped out of the nearest window and zoomed towards the sky. She really is fast! Twilight raised her brows as the pegasus became a dot in the sky. Star Dial, how could you do this? If I hadn't fallen for you this bad I'd probably be zapping you to the moon right now!

"Well, I think I'll be heading out as well," Minuette said, far from her usual cheer. "I've a long day tomorrow and—"

In a flash Twilight teleported in front of the unicorn blocking her exit. "You're staying," she stated, eyes burning with rage. "We'll wait for Bon Bon to return, then I'll have a long talk with Princess Celestia."

17. School Politics
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

17. School Politics

How could this happen? Starlight paced around the room. One! One minuscule suggestion about taking over Equestria and this is the what I get in return? Now, I understand that it's the practical way to do things, and it's sweet in a school-crush sort of way, but Scootaloo could have at least waited for next month!

On the desk, the voice crystal kept glowing, an ominous silence emanating from it. The temptation to splutter an apology and leave Spike or Twilight to deal with the matter was incredibly tempting.

"You’re sure about this?" Starlight asked. "Maybe she said 'this winter wrap up' instead? Maybe you misheard?"

"No, I'm pretty sure she said this weekend," Silver Spoon replied, crushing any hope Starlight had. "Right after lunch. She was quite insistent on the time."

Damnit! "Can't things be simple for once?" Starlight groaned. I really could use some ice cream right now. Alas, as much as she craved it, there was this nagging voice whispering that she must pay attention to her figure if she wanted to look her best in the dress Rarity made her. "How did everything get so bad?"

"Well, apparently, Scoots has a coltfriend," Silver Spoon started explaining. "She told us this morning. He's some Cloudsdale pegasus whose parents have extremely conservative views. So, in order to be together, Scootaloo decided to take over Equestria and impose absolute tribe equality."

Wow, filly, you impress me. If only your timing wasn't so bad. Starlight paused for a moment. Having a flightless pegasus rule definitely would bring interesting times. In the long run, maybe it would better for everypony if she—

No! starlight grabbed her head with both forehooves. There was no telling what mess would come of this—at the very least another Luna lecture. Not to mention how disappointed Twilight would be.

"Miss Starlight?" Silver Spoon's voice came from the crystal.

I knew I should have told Luna about their problem! Starlight slammed her hoof on the desk. The Princess of the Night was known for being understanding. Plus, she had probably dealt with more than one filly's nightmare. She would have definitely agreed to link Scootaloo and Chip Mint's dreams and this whole mess could have been averted.

"Miss Starlight?" Silver Spoon asked again.

"Sorry, I was just wondering what sort of twisted insanity gave Scootaloo the idea." No way I'm letting anypony know it's me.

"Well, I'll tell you her coltfriend was no help," the filly humphed. "He practically agreed with every word she said! I told Diamond Tiara and Sweetie Belle about it, but they're too busy not speaking to each other to listen."

"Huh?" What does that have to do with anything?

"And as you've correctly guessed, that's the reason I phoned you," Silver Spoon went on, causing Starlight to stare at the voice crystal, ears flopped. "After Scootaloo's announcement, she made a case for conquering Equestria. Apple Bloom agreed instantly. Sweetie Belle was hesitant, but Scootaloo reminded her that Button Mash was an earth pony, and as such would never be allowed to be with her, so Belle agreed to join in and also convinced Dinky to do the same. Diamond Tiara, on the other hoof, along with Shady Daze, the mayor's son, formed an opposition."

Starlight's head wobbled as she tried to keep up with all the names and events. There were so many facts she felt like she was in the middle of a soap novel. Alliances, inter-pony relations, debts and favours... From what she could make out there were two main factions: Scootaloo's and Diamond Tiara's. Neither was willing to compromise, but didn't want to harm the other side either. Apparently they had imposed a non-talking agreement, limiting all conversations to school and parties. The system was as complicated as it was absurd, making Starlight slightly envious that she hadn't thought of it herself.

The explanation continued for twenty minutes. Every now and again, Starlight would break Silver Spoon's flow with a question or other, only to have the filly explain it to the last detail. No doubt about it, if there was one who could manage to run Equestria that would be precisely her.

Thank the stars she wants to pursue a career in steampunk fashion design. Starlight sighed, relieved. Equestria's not ready for Silver Spoon's rule.

"And then there's Snips and Snails, who have formed an autonomous entity," Silver kept talking. "Yet they've also promised me, Apple Bloom, and Diamond Tiara their full support. Frankly, I don't think they understand the concept of political negotiation and alliance building."

"That's all very well, Silver Spoon, but why did you call me again?" Things are so complicated Twilight would need days to untangle the mess. Not to mention that... Oooh! A smile formed on her face. Silly me. "Of course, I'll be glad to perform a mass memory erase spell. There's actually this new method I want to try out and—"

"Sorry, Miss, but I'd prefer if you didn't."

Starlight stared at the voice crystal, her mouth half open. Her forehooves moved about, trying to point out something as if the filly were there.

"It's not that I don't appreciate your effort, or doubt your skill," Silver Spoon went on. "It's just that I prefer my friends to be... friends again. If you erase their memories things will be better for a week or two, maybe a month, but then the same thing will repeat over and over."

Wow. Starlight closed her mouth. Put in my place by a schoolfilly. And I thought I was the best in handling the hotline. I'm no better than I was in my village.

"What I was calling for was advice." A moment's silence followed, then the sound of porcelain clinking. By all accounts Silver Spoon was having a cup of tea, or cocoa, or something. "I know this is probably too much. Things have been said that are difficult to be taken back. I feel they still want to be friends, but their pride won't let them. Very much like the argument I had with Diamond Tiara a while back."

Oh, Silver. Why couldn't I be more like you when I was young?

"They trust you a lot, Miss Starlight," Silver Spoon said, sending shivers down Starlight's spine. They what? The unicorn bent over the voice crystal. "All of them. I trust you. Princess Twilight has helped Ponyville dozens of times, she has saved Equestria no less than seven, but..." There was a soft sigh. "She's a princess now. Ponies feel closer when talking to you."

"Wow, that's..." I must keep it together. These are just fillies. No big deal. It's not like Ponyville thinks I'm anything special. Just Twilight's student. "I'm flattered that you think so highly of me, but stopping a war... without using spells. That's—"

"Difficult, I know, but you're the only one I have faith that could do it... Also I don't want our parents and Cheerilee to find out." A sipping sound followed.

So. I'm to stop an invasion and the conquest of Equestria, all at the same time? There was no way she could agree to something like that. It was ludicrous, utterly impossible, not to mention the pressure she would be subjecting herself to was enough to crush a cider barrel.

"Well, don't worry about a thing." I really should stop lying like this. "I have a few other engagements today, but I'll give this my full attention, and am sure that—"

"Yo, Starlight!" The door behind the unicorn swung open. Instinctively she straightened up, surrounding herself with a magic barrier. "Just came to tell you that I finished early, so can take my shift if you need a break."

I'm going to transform you into an anvil, Spike! She tried to relax her heart. It remained a mystery how Twilight put up with that—Spike hardly ever knocked, and when he did it was seconds before entering. And then I'm going to teleport that anvil to the bottom of the ocean! Starlight turned around, eyes full of unadulterated rage. The dragon just stood there smiling, a tray of muffins in his hands.

Starlight looked at Spike, then at the muffins. The faint aroma of lemony goodness tickled her nostrils. Then again, you do cook well. Twilight's attempts are a disaster. Maybe I should talk with her to put an indicator when someone's talking to a caller. That way it will be clear when it's okay for somepony to enter.

"Thank you, Spike," Starlight said through her teeth. She still levitated a muffin from the tray, however. "I much appreciate it, but I'm in the middle of something at the moment."

"Hello, Spike," Silver Spoon greeted from the voice crystal.

"Hey, Silvie! How's it going?" Oblivious, the dragon marched to the desk, put the tray down and glanced about for a chair. Not finding anything that suited his needs he sat on the edge of the desk instead.

"DT still is semi-not-talking to me, and Sweetie Belle asked that I return half the steampunk comics she lent me."

"Oh, about that." Spike grabbed a muffin from the air, completely ignoring Starlight's deathly glares. "Sweetie told me you could keep all but one—"

"Of course she did," Silver Spoon snorted. Starlight could almost hear the filly roll her eyes.

"—if you share how it went with Sound Bite," the dragon finished.

"Did she?" Oooh, there's real anger here. Starlight moved closed to the voice crystal, taking a new muffin, this time teleporting it beyond the dragon's reach. "Well, you tell her that I'll give back her comics. Plus nothing happened between me and Sound. He just looked a bit lost and I decided to show him what is what, while somepony was playing political strategist with all the rest!"

"Sound Bite?" Starlight asked in whisper, covering the side of her muzzle with a hoof.

"Vinyl's kid," Spike whispered back to which Starlight gave an understanding nod.

"Also, I'm still waiting for my controller! She better bring it when she comes to play Hoof Hoof Dancing this afternoon," Silver Spoon went on, indignation in her every word. "Oh, and please tell her to get Button Mash to relax. I know it's weird being the only colt, but it's not like we fall in gaming stereotypes. Plus, Sound will be joining in so they can chat if they don't feel like playing."

"Will do, Silvie." Spike shoved another muffin in his mouth.

"Okay. See you, then. Goodbye, Miss Starlight. And thank you."

"Goodbye, Silver Spoon," Starlight said amid nibbles, then tapped on the crystal turning it off. "You know what, Spike?" She took another bite, swallowed it, then sighed deeply. "Filly friendship problems are serious stuff."

"M-huh." The dragon nodded, chewing.

"Looking at things now, maybe I was lucky not to have gone to the SGU. Poor Sunburst." Oops! I completely forgot to write him a letter. Though maybe now that Twilight is with Shifty, there's nothing for me to worry... She paused a moment, looking at the ceiling. Other than a changeling invasion and a filly trying to conquer Equestria. Hmm. Yep, I better write that letter and mail it express.

"Tell me about it." Spike winced in horror. "I've been helping Diamond Tiara, Sweetie Belle, and Silver Spoon not talk to each other all morning while they get ready for their gaming party this afternoon."

Wait, what?! "Riiiight." No. No way I'm asking. My head hurts as it is! "So, how did it go with Rarity?"

"Well." Spike stopped eating, looked left and right, regardless that there clearly wasn't anyone else there, then moved slightly closer to Starlight. "I think I'm making huge progress. If I keep this up we might go on a date in a few weeks."

"You don't say?" Starlight narrowed her eyes. You're getting nowhere, are you?

"I know, right? I'm a bit scared I might be going a bit too fast. Like, maybe I should slow things down a bit?"

Starlight could only shake her head with a chuckle. Oh, Spike. "Don't worry about a thing, big guy." She patted him on the head. "I'm sure Rarity will manage to keep up." You really are oblivious about things, aren't you? "Just—"

The crystal started flickering again. Both Spike and Starlight looked at each other. Seconds passed with no one taking any action. Finally, Starlight tapped the crystal with her hoof.

"Umm, hello?" a familiar voice said before either of them could recite the standard hotline greeting. "Umm, it's me, Toffee, again. I think I have a serious problem."

"All yours, Spike," Starlight whispered in his ear, then teleported out of the room before he could voice a protest. Spa pampering, here I come!

18. Toffee Troubles
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

18. Toffee Troubles

"Yo, Toffee, how goes?" Spike leaned on the desk. "Is the chandelier whole?" He reached for a muffin only to find the platter was empty. Starlight, not fair! These were supposed to be for the dragon on duty!

"The chandelier?" Toffee sounded surprised. "What chandelier?"

"You know, the one you were using to learn to fly?" Spike slid his finger along the tray in an attempt to gather some sugar crumbs. A poor substitute for the real thing, but in desperate times they'd have to do.

"Oh, that." A deep sigh followed, along with a sniff at the end. "I wasn't really on the chandelier. I just called because I wanted... Look, I'm not a unicorn. I lied about that too."

"So you're a pegasus?" Spike tried to visualize a muffin in his mind as he chewed the few remaining grains of sugar. Imaginary muffins were nowhere near as filling as the real thing.

"No, I'm not a pega—"

"Earth pony. Hey, there's nothing to be ashamed of," Spike cut her short. Being raised in Canterlot, he knew that the attitude towards earth ponies, even now, was... different. Not as bad as before, thank Celestia, but they still were regarded as the lesser, more unfortunate ponies. "Ponyville is way beyond such things. And look at Manehatten! The city that never sleeps was made entirely thanks to earth pony ingenuity and hard work!" I never thought that Twi's boring lectures would be good for something.

"Umm, that's not it. The thing is..." Toffee's voice was faint. "I am ridiculed for liking certain... things."

"Whoa!" Spike jumped off the desk. "Like eating too many gems before breakfast? Or removing the filling of doughnuts and replacing it with sapphire dust?"

"Comics," the said, the single world having the impact of a thousand screams. The only problem was, Spike had no idea why that was bad. Scratching his head he opened his mouth to ask, then closed it back again. Gee, that's not something I expected. Like, sure everyone says I'm a nerd, but so is Twi, and no one says anything to her. Though, maybe because she’s a princess now.

The dragon scratched his head some more. This definitely sounded like a friendship problem right up his alley. After all, he was probably the third greatest comic connoisseur in Ponyville. Surely he could be of assistance.

"Hey, nothing to worry about!" he said as cheerful as possible. "Lots of ponies love comics. Hey, even Shining Armor is a fan."

"It's not exactly the comics..." A pause followed by the sound of nervous pacing. Apparently, Toffee was in a corridor or hall. Her hooves echoed in a very specific fashion. "I like adventure comics," the words dripped with guilt as if she had confessed to some great crime.

"That's it?" Spike tried not to laugh. "You know that's really stupid, right?"

"Hey!"

"Well, I'm just saying." The dragon shrugged. "Lots of ponies like adventure comic. Those are some of my favourite. Big Mac has a whole stash he keeps hidden, so does—"

"They are colt comics," Toffee interrupted, causing Spike to shrug silently. "As in comics for colts?" Still no reaction from the dragon. "Colts as in boys?"

Why does everypony take me for an idiot? Spike crossed his arms, I know what colt comics are. Some of my favourite series are colt comics! Of course, Twi wouldn't be caught within ten yards of any of those. Like she'd understand fine creative writing! Just because she can't see through her— Suddenly it hut him.

"Oooh! Now I get it! They laugh at you because you read comics meant for little colts?" Spike smirked. Well, it's kind of funny when you think about it. "Err, how old are you exactly?"

"Does it matter?" Toffee snapped. "You sound just like my sister! Why can't you get a proper hobby, Toffee? Act your age, Toffee. Sis, you should stop playing colt games, everypony is laughing at you!" Oops, my bad. Spike took a step back away from the voice crystal. "Well, what if I like colt games and comics? They are different! So the narrative is a bit more cheesy, and the art is a bit sharper, but you know what? The writing is really good!"

Okay, okay, just please calm down. Spike put his hand on his mouth. He hadn't expected this. Of all the times he had put his foot in his mouth—and there were many—this was the first he had actually witnessed a meltdown. The dragon could only imagine how much anger the mare had been bottling up. I still don't get what's the big deal about colt comics, he thought.

"I can't read them in public, I can't be seen having them," Toffee went on, nearly weeping as she did. "When I try to buy something from a bookshop, you won't believe the looks I get! I have to sneak into the comic section of the library just to get to read year old issues!"

"Ouch!" Spike cringed. "Like, Silver Horn hasn't even unlocked his true powers yet! And his father—"

"Stop!" The yell was so loud that even through the crystal it managed to knock the dragon the floor. "I called to get some help, not for you to shout spoilers at me!"

"Sorry," Spike sat up. My bad, there. Although I bet she'll be surprised when she finds out that Crimson Magenta is actually Poppy, his childhood friend, and that she has a huge crush on him this whole time.

"And don't you tell me to calm down!" Toffee was still shouting, be it half as loud. "I've been getting enough 'advice' from everypony. Even from stallions! I tried to get one to buy me the latest issue of Go Go Goldenhoof, and do you know what he did?!"

Trick question! It's got to be a trick question. Spike climbed back onto the desk. He could venture a guess, though the state Toffee was in right now, humour wouldn't be the best approach. When in doubt—say nothing.

"He went and got me Lunar Adventures!" Toffee cried.

"Ouch! Harsh!" The cringe! That's like, really bad. The art is meh and the story is argh! Pretty much just another attempt by big publishers to cash in on the Nightmare Moon angle, and failing. "No wonder you're in a bad mood. Like, that's pretty bad. Well, not as bad as The Alicorn that Cried, but still."

"Precisely!" I wonder what family she comes from? "And even that got thrown away as soon as my sister found it. Apparently I have to be responsible, a pillar of society, and have no time to waste on 'silly nonsense.'" Well, that answers my question, Spike sighed. "Meanwhile it's okay for her and her friends to go drinking and partying, which they do pretty much every other night. That is considered normal. Me reading colt comics, though..."

"Yeah, tell me about it." Spike nodded. "Like, It's the same with my O&O collection. I get away with it because ponies still consider me a baby dragon. When I go to Manehattan, though... boy, the looks I got in some shops—"

"And it's only getting worse," Toffee sobbed. "Ponies close to me have started talking about me going to therapy, because, you know, something must be wrong with me. It's not as if I'm the only one who does this. I happen to know several ponies at very important positions who do exactly the same."

"Oh? Who?" Spike's curiosity got the better of him. There probably were a dozen rules why he shouldn't ask this question—Twilight herself had reminded him of ten just yesterday morning—yet he couldn't help himself. It's not prying, he thought looking around guiltily, in case Twilight happened to walk into the room. I'm just being thorough.

"Fancy Pants," Toffee said with a note of bitterness. "He's the most important pony in Canterlot and he has a mint issue one collection of nearly everything that has been published. And, of course, since he's influential, nopony dares make fun of him. In his case they talk of it as 'a clever investment,'" she snorted. "Investment my flank! When I tried to use that reasoning, I was told I'm an idiot right to my face! And that's not the worst part! I—"

"Hello?" a new voice came from the voice crystal, cutting Toffee off mid-sentence. "Blast this new technology. I might as well just teleport there."

"Discord?" Spike blinked. The voice crystal flickered green, then changed form taking the shape of the draconequus' head. It looked around, suspiciously, as if searching for something, then directed its full attention to Spike.

"Why, hello there, Oubliette Master," the crystal face said with a wide smile. "It is I, the captain, and have a few inquiries—"

"Bro, not cool!" Spike jumped off the desk. Drops of sweat forming on his forehead. "Don't just call when I'm at work! What if Twi finds out?" I'm such a hypocrite. I laugh at Toffee about having to keep her hobby a secret, yet less than a dozen ponies know about my role playing nights... and I begged all of them to keep it a secret. The sudden realization made him look down at the floor. This wasn't the first time it happened either. He'd mock Twilight about reading tomes on dating, yet he himself had done the same before she even got her wings. He'd constantly complain about having to clean up the castle, yet he never bothered lift a finger when he made a mess at Sugarcube Corner. Maybe I really do need to grow up a bit?

"Well, excuuuuse me if I wanted to bring somepony new to our weekly O&O sessions," the discord face pouted. "It's not like we need a decent healer or anything. No, I guess I'll leave you to your 'important' work and tell the poor newbie that our awesome OM is too busy to help him out."

"That's really low, drake," Spike whispered under his breath. There was no way he wouldn't help now.

"No matter," Discord sighed dramatically. "I guess he can always try to join in after a few months... if there's still interest, and you aren't busy again."

"Right." Damn it, Discord! You always do this! "Go ahead," Spike mumbled, defeated. "But no more mares!" He added sharply. "Pinkie and Dash are cool, but every time someone tries to bring 'a close friend' things get way out of hand!"

"Don't remind me," the crystal draconequus winced. "Big Mac bringing that school teacher was a total disaster. All she did was min-max, not grasping the fine nuances of roleplay."

"You said it." Spike nodded. Having Cheerilee join for a few sessions was a total disaster. Of course, no one said anything since Big Mac was dating her, but she was a horrible player. Not only that, but she would get constantly in fights with Rainbow Dash, especially when Dash's character hit on Big Mac's. Some ponies just can't tell the difference between in character and out of character.

"Or when Pinkie brought her sister," Discord continued. "Her attempts to get her hitched were so obvious. Almost like the time you asked Rarity to join in."

"Hey!" Spike's face turned a burning red. "As if it was any different when you invited—" A zipper formed on his mouth, denying him the option of getting one back at the draconequus.

"Anyway, let's get to the point." Half a dozen sheets of paper popped into existence surrounding Spike on all sides. Three were basic character sheets, with class stats and inventory all filled in. Two were a backstory—quite edgy, judging by the references. Newbies. Spike shook his head. Gotta love them. The last piece of paper made him stare in awe. Technically, it was nothing but a character sketch, but calling it just that would be like calling the Canterlot Palace Celestia's house. This wasn't just a sketch, it was a living pony looking back at him from the piece of paper, almost as it it would step out into the room any moment.

"He drew this?" Spike unzipped his mouth.

"Hmm?" Discord feigned ignorance as he glanced at the sketch. His eyes were glowing green with envy. "Oh, I suppose so." He raised his chin. "He still has a lot to learn about proportions and—"

"He's so drawing all our characters!" Spike grappled the sketch. Can't wait for him to draw my leveled up archmage! Or maybe I can commission him to draw me Princess Rarity? A slight pink tint covered Spike's cheeks.

"What is the point of pictures when we are in the game?" The crystal head humphed.

"Are you kidding?! Drake, he can record all of our adventures!" Whoa! We can even make a comic! Best idea ever!

"Well, I don't know about that. He's quite busy, and he only draws in his free time." Discord's face became stretched forward. A pair of limbs appeared, transforming him in a miniature version of the draconequus. "Although..." he scratched his paw with his nose.

"Hey, no pressure." We're totally pressuring him, when he joins! "How'd he learn about the game?"

"Apparently, he's a friend of Rainbow's and overheard her discussing a scene of our campaign."

Dammit, Rainbow! How many times must we go over this! Spike crossed his arms. Rainbow's habit to openly discuss their gaming sessions was quite annoying, mostly because when she did it everyone thought it was cool.

"He's part of the military or something, so he really wants to keep this quiet," Discord went on. "But thanks to yours truly he's agreed to join. As long as he can have a plus five staff as a starting weapon."

"Hay, for what he can do he can have a full plus five gear for all I care! What does he want to play?"

"Crystal pegasus healer," Discord laughed. "He's one of the 'sparkly' ones." The remark made Spike's left eye twitch. He really didn't like the sparkling phenomenon the Crystal Empire had created. Then again, he was really good at drawing. Welp, nopony's perfect.

"If you can take care of the effects I'm fine with it," Spike shrugged. "I really gotta get back to work, though." Drat! I totally forgot about Toffee! I'm the worst! "You set him up."

"Fine, fine," Discord grumbled. "I'll leave you to your important work." The crystal reverted to normal.

"I mean, seriously?!" Toffee's voice flooded the room. Apparently Discord had upped the volume a bit before he ended his call. "It was just one time! And the stallions didn't seem to mind. But, no! Do I get any understanding? Not me! And I even got Moondancer in trouble. Going to her Comic Club is outright out of the question now thanks to certain concerned parties."

"You know what?" Spike asked. Think fast! I gotta come up with something quickly! "There are always ways to hide your hobby, but will it be fun?" I'm really spewing nonsense right now. "Sounds to me that this is causing you more grief than joy. If you ask me, you should accept it. There's nothing wrong in liking adventure comics. If it won't cause any problems at your work or with your family, just be open about it. Maybe have a serious talk with the concerned parties and explain it makes you happy. If you think it might cause problems, take it one step at a time. I know it's difficult doing something you'll get ridiculed for, but don't feel guilty about it, and don't let anypony bully you." Cold chills went down his spine. Was Toffee being bullied? Was this what it was really about?

"You're a good dragon, Spike." The sadness with which this was said almost made him tear up. "Thank you for listening to my ramblings. I must go now..."

"No! Toffee, wait!" Spike shouted, but it was too late. The crystal had list its glow, returning to its inert state. "Dragonscales!" He slammed onto the desk with both hands. I'm a complete idiot! Of course she wouldn't start with that! I should have helped her and instead I was too busy making myself look good! "Toffee," he said to the inactive voice crystal. "I promise that I'll help you. From now on I'll take this job seriously and not let any—"

*blink* *blink* *blink*

Somepony was calling again. Spike looked at the flashing crystal, took a deep breath, then tapped on it.

"Hello, this is—" he began only to be cut off by a scream.

"Spike!" Twilight yelled from the other side. "Grab the voice crystal and get to Bon Bon's! Hurry!"

"Wha, what?" The dragon blinked. "Twilight? What's—"

"No time to explain! Just get here! We're in big trouble!"

19. A Semi-partial Day Off
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

19. A Semi-partial Day Off

This is the life! Starlight relaxed, allowing herself to be pampered under the most luxurious treatment the spa could offer. Now she could understand why Rarity was a regular here. In the caring hooves of Lotus Blossom and Aloe, all of Starlight's stress and worry seemed to melt away. Having Trixie cover the bill each time was an added bonus.

"And be careful with Trixie's hornacure!" the blue unicorn insisted. "The great and powerful Trixie has an image to uphold! Perfection is the least Trixie will accept!"

I've no idea how a magic performer has so many bits, Starlight thought. But in the words of Applejack, I ain't complaining. It will do me some good to finally get away from it all. She had been working as a hotline assistant for only a few days, but it seemed like an eternity. Thinking about it, every call was a pony's life story, and she had heard about a dozen. Is this what Luna and Celestia go through? And to think I wanted to become ruler of Equestria.

"So, has Twilight decided what position she'll offer me?" Trixie asked, as Aloe gently filed her hooves. "I suppose vice-princess would be the obvious choice, but I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable."

"Of course not," Starlight smiled. Modesty isn't really your thing, is it? Still, it was that quirk that made Trixie so much fun to be around. The trick was never to take the magician seriously.

"Maybe senior hotline operator?" Trixie mused, stroking her chin. "Or executive hotline operator. Or special hotline assistant—"

"I'm sure she'll figure it out." No offense, Trixie, but I don't see you lasting one hour at this job. Images of the blue unicorn talking with callers appeared in her head, each more frightening than the last. It wasn't so much that Trixie would cause chaos, Starlight had already caused plenary of that, it was rather that the performer might consider everything as a contest and start spewing lies about how she had gone through exactly the same ordeal as the caller and provide a bogus way of resolving the problem. Besides, your magic isn't all that good.

"Oh, I suppose." Trixie shrugged, then leaned back, so Aloe could start filing her horn.

"Why do you want that job anyway?" Starlight levitated a hot towel onto her face. Aah! This feels sooo good! "It's not like you need the money."

"Ah, but you see, Trixie likes a challenge." The explanation made Starlight roll her eyes even under the towel. "Also, dad only agreed to send me money as long as I promised to find a respectable job." Trixie huffed through her nostrils. "He could never understood what an artist's calling means. It's all about tradition and values and not shaming the family's good name." Her horn flared in anger, causing Aloe to step back. "Anyway, maybe you can tell the Princess to hurry up? Just tell her that my initial position isn't that important."

Starlight winced. "Position", like "professional", was among the words she hoped she'd never have to hear again. Levitating the towel off her face, she looked at Trixie. Her friend didn't seem at all concerned, engaging in trivial conversation with the spa ponies. Starlight, however, remained silent. There was something she wished to talk about, yet strongly preferred it to remain in private.

Should I ask her directly? The reasonable thing to do was forget the entire Rainbow Dash confession and move on with the normal things of life: changeling invasion, school civil war, Scootaloo's conquest of Equestria... Starlight sighed. Things were so much simpler when she was conquering villages and playing with time travel. At least then the rules were clear.

"Trixie," Starlight began. "Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask Trixie anything." Her friend answered in a state of bliss. Little wonder, having in mind how good the hoof and hornacures here were.

"I meant..." Starlight's voice trailed off. She didn't want to be rude in the only place that always made her feel welcome. Lotus, fortunately, got the hint. With a smiled and a nod she stepped away, taking her duster along. Thanks girls. Starlight took a deep breath. Now it was time for the difficult part. "Trixie, what do you think of me? I mean as a mare?"

"Err?" Trixie's eyes shot open. "What exactly do you mean?" She inched away slightly.

"Like, do you find me attractive?" Starlight continued, waving her forehoof.

"Whoa, now!" The blue unicorn violently pulled away. "It's normal that you'd fall victim to the Trixie effect—" she waved her hooves defensively "—but I'm not into mares." There was a slight pause. "And no, it isn't you, it's me—"

"Oh, not that," Starlight cut her short. Not that there aren't rumours on the matter. Thanks again for this morning's call, Trixie! Way to put stupid ideas in Twilight's head. "I mean, do you think a mare would find me attractive? Another mare." She narrowed her eyes.

"Oooh!" Trixie said in relief, relaxing back on the chaise lounge. "Hmm." She looked at Starlight critically. Her eyes moved from her mane to her hair to her hooves in slow succession, each time accompanied by a tisk or a shake of the head.

I really hate it when you do that! As Starlight had learned, Trixie had a problem when it came to serious questions. Ask her anything and she could make stuff up on the spot. Ask an important question, though, and her attitude would change completely. She would think for hours, considering all the options, and finally come with a surprisingly good suggestion. There were only two problem with that: the process was maddeningly slow, and the advice ended up being the last thing Starlight wanted to do.

"Rainbow Dash has a crush on me." Starlight caved in. Sorry, but I don't have all afternoon. "She called the hotline this morning thinking I was Spike and went on a whole tirade how she had fallen for me, how sad she was that I wasn't noticing her, how jealous she was of you—"

"A-ha!" Trixie jumped upright. "I knew it! I just knew it! That raincloud pouring over my wagon wasn't a clerical error! She had it in for me all along!" Her nostrils flared. "And that time we went to—"

"Let’s please focus on the matter at hoof," Starlight grumbled.

"Hmph." Trixie settled down, brushing her mane with a hoof. "I expect it's natural for lesser ponies to be threatened by my natural beauty."

"The point is, what do I do?" It was definitely a mistake telling Trixie. Now I don't know how to continue this conversation. Maybe I should stop here? We could go back to other topics, like reminiscing about the times we wanted to take over Equestria or something?

"Ahem," Trixie cleared her threat. "Since you asked for my advice, you'll have to answer a simple question. How do you feel about her? Above that, how do you feel about dating mares?"

A touch of pink appeared on Starlight's face. It was a simple question, one she would probably have considered if she hadn't been preoccupied with other things... that is, if she hadn't chickened out and ignored it completely. Of course I'm not into mares! Her ears flicked. Ever since she was a filly she had the hugest crush on Sunburst. She had nearly conquered Equestria because of him. How could anypony think she might be into mares? Although... She bit her lower lip. It would be a lie if she said she didn't enjoy all the mare scenes in the romance novels she had been reading. There was something about mare pairings that just seemed so much better than normal pairings. In that regard, Starlight had gotten into huge arguments with Fluttershy in the literature club on the subject. On one occasion it had come to an exchange of hooves. Thank the Stars for Angel Bunny to keep things civil.

"Err, well." Sweat trickled down Starlight's face. "The thing is—"

"Starlight!" A deafening scream made her and Trixie hop in their seats. Their horns flared up ready to engage in battle. Starlight glanced at the entrance expecting to see an army of changelings. Instead, she saw a small dragon running in her direction, a large wooden box in his hands.

"Spike?" Her horn returned to normal. "What? Why are you here? Aren't you supposed—"

Before she could finish, the dragon had reached her, shoving the box in her hooves. He then proceeded to fall on the floor in an attempt to catch his breath.

Seriously? Starlight frowned. you just come here and shove this thing at me during my afternoon off? You could stand to learn some manners. With a sigh, she levitated the box to the floor, and opened it. The contents made her ears flop down flat on her scalp. Voice crystals—four of them—lay calmly within, very much like vipers ready to attack. Starlight's first instinct was to close the box and banished it away. Unfortunately, Trixie pounced on it like a cat on cream.

"Model C5s21!" The magician said with such admiration, one would imagine her holding an Element of Harmony. "Crystal Empire quality. I didn't know the new series was even in production!" She grinned widely at Spike and Starlight, who in turn glanced at each other, not budging an inch. "You use these? Top choice! I borrowed a series 3 once for one of my acts. Worked splendidly, until it shattered under the pressure. That's the problem with the C3—not at all durable."

"Riiiiight," Starlight laughed nervously. "Well, you know Twilight. Nothing but the best equipment. And I'm sure Spike will explain why he brought four voice crystals here." She glared at the dragon. "During my afternoon off," she added for good measure.

"Umm, we have a sort of situation." The dragon shifted from foot to foot.

I knew it! "Are we invaded by changelings?" Starlight grabbed Spike with her magic. "Has Scootaloo conquered Ponyville? Has—"

"Starlight!" Spike growled pushing himself back to the ground. "Chill, will you? Just because we have a bit of a crisis doesn't mean it's the end of Equestria!" He crossed his arms. "Although I could use something to drink. After, you know, rushing to bring these here."

Instantly a bottle of soft cider materialized in mid air a step away from the dragon. Spike glanced at it in mock hesitation, then grabbed it and removed the cork.

"Straw?" He looked at Starlight. Don't push it! A straw materialized in the air in front of the dragon. "Thanks." He put the straw in the bottle and started to drink... with excruciating slowness. There was little doubt he was doing it deliberately, stopping every few gulps to take a deep breath and comment that he needed that. Starlight glared at him, impatiently tapping hoof on the chaise lounge.

I'm going to strangle you! She turned to Trixie for support, yet her friend was still busy admiring the voice crystals. Starlight arched a brow. She hadn't expected a geek-out regarding voice crystals. Oh well, you live, you learn.

"Niiice." Spike put the empty bottle on the floor, after what seemed like a small eternity. "It could have used a bit more quartz dust..."

"Spiiike!" Starlight said through her teeth. "I'm sure you wouldn't want somepony to get it in her head that she hates you, all of a sudden." You leave me no choice! "Like say, Rar—"

*blink* *blink* *blink*

One of the voice crystals activated. Starlight's reaction was immediate. Days of answering to callers had drove her hoof to it before she could even think.

"Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline," she started in an polite, even voice. "I'm Starlight Glimmer, and—"

"Starlight!" Twilight's voice filled the room. "Thank the stars Spike got to you on time! We have an emergency!"

"Twilight?" Starlight blinked. "What is—"

"No time to explain! Just be ready for an influx of calls! If we're lucky it'll be over in a few hours... I hope."

"Whah! Wait just a moment!" I'm not getting the runaround from you too! "What calls? What emergency? What crisis? You can't just dump this on me and expect me to pretend nothing's happened!"

"Right. Sorry." The sound of twilight inhaling and exhaling followed. Great, the Cadence panic coping mechanics. Twilight really must be way out of her comfort zone. "I had a talk with Vinyl Scratch to put a booth in her club yesterday. Apparently she liked the idea of the hotline and did just that."

"That's it?" Starlight felt like screaming. "I don't see what the huge fuss is about." Why do you have to flip out on my only afternoon off? "Isn't that a good thing?"

"I didn't specify which club," Twilight groaned. "And she had one placed in each of them."

"Oh." That might be slightly uncomfortable. "How many clubs are we talking about?"

"I don't know!" Twilight reverted back to panicked screaming. "From what I could learn there are twelve in Manehattan alone! Plus one in Ponyville, seventeen in Canterlot, five in Las Pegasus... and that's not counting partnerships!"

"Oookay..." That sounds somewhat bad.

"And, apparently, she placed the booths right at the entrance with a huge sign saying This is a favour for a really cool friend, so check it out, okay?" Even through the voice crystal Starlight could hear the princess crying.

Poor Twilight. The thought that somepony might go unanswered is apparently enough to drive you insane. Starlight shivered. The last full Twilight freakout had devastated twelve rooms in the castle, as well as reversed the laws of physics in seven more. It had taken Princess Celestia herself to come and fix matters. All because of a prank Starlight and Rainbow Dash had played on her. Come to think about it, Rainbow did seem a bit too snugly while we were working on that prank...

"I'm sure we'll be able to handle things." Starlight did her best to sound convincing. How many callers could there be? "You just relax and—"

"Starlight, haven't you been listening to a word I've said?!" Twilight shouted. "Ponies of over fifty clubs will start calling, and since Vinyl is asleep I can't get ahold of her to remove the signs! And before you suggest it, I won't be closing booths or brainwashing ponies!"

Hey! I could have suggested something else! Starlight pouted.

"Can you imagine how disappointed Princess Celestia will be if my initiative ends up being a total disaster?!"

Oh, of course, we can't have that happen. Starlight squinted.

"And, of course, this would happen at the worst possible time!" Twilight sighed heavily.

"Oh?" Starlight's ears perked. Is my afternoon off such a big deal? I'm touched you think so highly of me. It's nothing, really, all I did was follow your instructions. I guess Spike has a lot to learn before he can become a suitable replacement—

"Half price date day!" Twilight wept.

"Huh?" Starlight blinked. What the what? Do you still seriously think Trix and I are an item?!

"Bring a date, get a fifty percent discount off drinks for the first hour," Trixie whispered. "Double daters get a free bowl of champagne, and also a ten percent discount on karaoke for the evening." There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. Starlight looked at her friend, eyes wide in disbelief. "What?" Trixie shrugged. "Trixie was there in a professional capacity!"

And I just learned that Trixie is a clubgoer, Starlight noted with concern.

"Trixie?" Twilight's voice sounded more like a squeak than anything. "Have you been listening to the conversation this whole time?!"

"Well, forgive Trixie for spending an afternoon at the spa with her friend!" the magician humphed. "It's not like Trixie was planning on you having your dragon bring a crate of voice crystals. Nice model, by the way. Are they on sale, or did you get the early prototype line?"

"Why, thanks!" Twilight's tone suddenly changed. The animosity of just a moment ago vanished completely, replaced by excitement. Geeks talking. Starlight facehooved. "I proposed some modifications to the C5 line, and that got me access to the early prototypes. The manufacturer agreed to let me have some samples to beta test them in my hotline."

"Good thinking," Trixie nodded sagely. "That way they can add cool new features and dispel the annoying bugs before they hit the market. Also, good move using Crystal Empire. No offense, but the common equestrian crystals are trash."

"I know," Twilight giggled. "Shining is still mad at me for pointing that out to Cadance. He never was good at business."

"Pfft. Most stallions aren't." Trixie waved a hoof. "Leave them to look charming and trot about, but when there's actual thinking to be done—"

"Excuse me!" Starlight cut in. "Huge crisis, remember?" Poetic how I'm using Twilight's words against her. "Shouldn't we be doing something?"

Things were moving too fast again—precisely how Starlight didn't want them to go. She turned to ask Spike to back her up, only to notice he was no longer there.

Why, you pesky little!!! This had to be revenge for the muffins! Spike had probably dashed off the moment Twilight had called and in the heat of the situation nopony had noticed. Of course, Starlight could use her magic to summon him back, but at present there was no point. It wasn't like she could do anything, especially if she were expecting as many calls as Twilight feared.

"So, what's the plan?" Starlight asked.

"Trixie, you're hired," Twilight said decisively, at which point the mare in question made a silent yes-gesture with her hoof. "Part time," the Princess added.

"I can live with that," Trixie whispered to Starlight, the smile not leaving her face.

"I expect you two to handle any calls that come your way. Spike and I will do the same. If we survive till tonight, we celebrate at the castle. My treat."

"Fine, but if—" The call ended abruptly, leaving Starlight's jaw hanging open.

No sound followed. Starlight's ears flopped down. You could have at least heard me out... she thought. Logically, there was no reason for her to be upset. Twilight had a lot of things on her mind. The hotline aside, she was an Element of Harmony, a Princess, and mentor. It was naturally for her to be short on time. Yet, it still stings...

"Starry?" Trixie placed a hoof on her shoulder. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, I..." The heck if I know, Trix! I just wished that Twi would give me some credit for once! "It's just that Rainbow thing that has me a bit messed up."

"Oh." Trixie nodded. "Well, I guess the Great and Powerful Trixie could help you out. It's the least I could do." She looked about suspiciously. Seeing no sight of Lotus of Aloe, she moved closer. "Don't say this to anypony, but Rainbow Dash was smitten with me the last time I did a performance here."

"What?!" Starlight's horn flashed briefly. Rainbow Dash, you no good two timing mare! Not that I'm upset because I clearly am not in the least bit interested in you!

"Yes," Trixie giggled-snorted. "Our blue pegasus has a thing for bad mares."

"Tell me," Starlight said firmly. Right that moment all four voice crystals began flashing.

20. All About the Great and Powerful
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

20. All About the Great and Powerful

Starlight rolled her eyes.

"That might technically be considered a friendship problem," she began, keeping a level voice, "but this isn't that sort of hotline," she said adamantly. This is the fifth caller asking how to pick up dates! Doesn't anypony read anymore?! "What we focus on is—"

"Just put some powdered salt on your limbs." Trixie leaned in from the nearby chaise longue. "And plant the first kiss."

"Trixie!" Starlight tapped the voice crystal off. "We don't give such advice to callers! It's irresponsible, irrational, and gives the wrong impression." She glared at Trixie with her best frown. In response the magician just stuck her tongue out. "You're impossible!" Starlight sighed. I can't wait for you and Twilight to go on shift together! "Does it work?"

"You have no idea," her friend grinned. "Stallions are suckers for salt. Mares not that much, but they won't complain. For really good results mix salt and sugar. Powdered, naturally. I usually cover the upper lip, but there are various approaches. Main thing is, don't overdo it."

Powdered salt, eh? Who knew? Starlight scratched her chin. Maybe she could try sprinkling some on the letter she'd send to Sunburst? Just to experiment, of course. It wasn't like she needed any help in that area. But if it happened to work, it would only be logical to take advantage. And if not, there was always brainwashing.

"Say, Trixie." Starlight looked away. "When you said that Rainbow was into bad mares, what exactly did you mean?"

This question had been burning in her mind ever since the chaos had started. Yet, each time she paused to formulate it, the voice crystal box would light up like a Hearth's Warming tree.

"Well, it's a common for little rich girls to fall for bad colts," Trixie said, doing a hair flip with her hoof. "Or bad mares in your case," she added with a smirk. Starlight crossed her forehooves. Sure, ridicule me, why don't you? "The princess and the sorceress. Should have seen it a mile away. Then again, I saw her as more a Flim sort of mare. Guess even Trixie isn't perfect all the time."

"Whoa! Hold on!" Starlight jumped to her hooves. She was used to Trixie exaggerating things, but this was ludicrous. Rainbow and Flim?! They'd make a terrible couple! Rainbow is so gullible that she'd believe anything Flim tells her. And Flim is such a coward, he'd instantly agreeing with everything she says, then doing absolutely nothing. Starlight snorted at the thought. Besides, Rainbow's too good for him!

"Or maybe that Flash pegasus," Trixie mused.

Before she could finish her thought one of the voice crystals started blinking. Without batting an eye, Trixie tapped on it.

"Behold, the Great and Powerful Trixie is ready to speak to you behalf of the friendship hotline!" The magician said, conveniently omitting the word "Twilight". "How may Trixie display her greatness?"

"Trixie?" A gasp came from the crystal. "G.A.P. Trixie? O!M!G! I'm a huge fan!"

"Told you my audience adores me," Trixie whispered to Starlight, as smug as a teacher's pet.

"My gosh, I still can't believe it!" The caller went on. Whoever he was he was way too enthusiastic about it. From what Starlight remembered, Trixie latest shows did manage to gather a largish crowd, but the reactions had always been lukewarm at best. "Your levitating dancing routine is out of this world! I brought my marefriend to a few of your shows and we both can't stop talking about it!"

"Levitating dancing routine?" Starlight whispered with a frown. See if I don't blackmail you for the rest of your life with this! "Seriously?" I'm so taking photos!

"Weeell, Trixie is always pleased to hear from her adoring fans," the magician replied all flustered, sweating under Starlight's gaze. "Remember to go to Trixie's show next Wednesday at nine. And tell all your—" A sharp cough made Trixie get back on track, "So, how can I help you, admiring fan?"

"Err, what is this thing exactly?" The typical question Trixie and Starlight had been getting for the last thirty minutes. Whatever methods Vinyl Scratch had used to attract attention, they had worked. As a result scores of ponies were using the friendship hotline without the faintest idea what it was for.

"Trixie is glad you asked!" The magician said in her stage voice. Even Starlight had to admit she sounded extremely convincing and—curse the word—professional. "Tell me, have you ever gotten into arguments with friends? Sometimes without even knowing why? Have you felt like something is wrong, but there's nopony you could ask?"

"Uh-huh," the caller said with the conviction and amazement reserved for fortunetellers and hoof readers at carnivals.

"Well that's what the Friendship Hotline is for," Trixie went on. "Here you can let your problems be known to the Great and Powerful Trixie and her assistants, and we will solve them for you."

Assistants?! Starlight's ears perked up. I'm nopony's assistant! Well, maybe Twilight's, but only because I'm her student! She paused for a moment, looking thoughtfully at the ceiling. Actually, I should talk with Twilight about full partnership. I have been answering calls longer than anyone else, and it's thanks to me that we have Trixie on board.

"There's no need to be ashamed. Anything you say will be treated with the utmost respect and only shared among the Hotline staff," Trixie continued, filing her hoof as she spoke.

"Wow. Like, that's really great..." the caller hesitated. "It's really kind of you Miss Trixie, but there's nothing that I can think of right now."

"Trixie understands completely," the magician said in a manner that would make anyone feel guilty. "Just remember that if you do, there are friendship hotline booths all across Ponyville”— she glanced at Starlight who was frantically pointing at an aether map of Equestria she had created with her magic—”and other cities to assist you. Oh, and don't forget to tell all your friends."

"Umm, yes, sure..."

"The Great and Powerful Trixie thanks you from the bottom of her heart. Now go, and don't forget to have fun." She tapped the voice crystal, returning to her hoofacure. For several seconds she continued filing her hoof, humming a tune. Apparently, there were some things even Lotus and Aloe couldn't be trusted with. Seeing Starlight's impatient expression Trixie stopped. "What?" she asked, half-annoyed half-defensive. "Trixie was only doing her job. There's nothing wrong if she happened to present herself in a slightly—"

"Rainbow Dash," Starlight said through her teeth.

"Yes? What more do you want to know about your lover?"

"She's not my lover!" Starlight shouted.

Absurd! As if that would even work! There's only room for two in her bed: Rainbow Dash and her ego. And living in her mansion in Cloudsdale would be such a— Starlight stopped. Rainbow Dash had invited her to her home over two dozen times. In most cases Starlight had declined because of the constant friendship homework Twilight piled on her. But on the few occasions she had agreed, Rainbow Dash had gone out of her way to show every room of the place... as well as casually remark she was thinking of remodeling. Was Rainbow bragging back then or flirting with me? It's always difficult to tell with her.

"Why do you think Rainbow Dash is rich? And spoilt?" Starlight glanced at the voice crystals. All four were inactive. "Everypony knows she's a daredevil."

"Uh-huh." Trixie narrowed her eyes. "An image she obsesses over. And yet, she is a secret spa regular. I'm not talking the occasional hoofacure either. Rainbow is known to go for the full pampering packet."

"So?" You're right! And with the exception of Rarity, she's the only one I've seen wearing slippers. She but her lip. No, I'm overthinking this! "Even I go here a lot."

"And do you have a huge mansion of your own?" Trixie narrowed her eyes even more. "Not to mention she has constant anxiety, feels insecure, never talks about her parents..." the magician stared at her hoof, critically examining the final few touches. "Also Trixie was introduced to her family as a filly and knows they own several cloud factories."

"Oh, really?" You had me there for a moment. Ha, to think I fell for one of your tales! It did make sense until you mentioned that last part.

"Definitely!" Trixie nodded. "The trick to a good relationship with her is to show a touch of evil now and again. Nothing too scary, just enough for her to go 'Whoa! That's my marefriend!'"

"Trixie, I doubt that—" One of the voice crystals began flashing. "I got it," Starlight sighed and tapped it with her hoof. "Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline. This is Starlight Glimmer, how may I be of help?"

"Starlight, darling, I know this is the worst possible time, but there's something I simply must ask you." Rarity's voice filled the entire spa. "Please tell me you're not at the castle!"

"Err, okay?" Starlight looked at Trixie confused. "I'm actually at the spa with—"

"Thank the stars!" Rarity sighed in relief with so much drama that for a moment Starlight could almost feel her breath coming from the crystal. "You didn't try the dress, did you? Please tell me—"

"Rarity, what's going on?" Starlight cut her short.

"The dress is cursed," Trixie whispered, hoof over her mouth. "Once you put it on you're bound to fall in love with with the first pegasus you hear."

"What?" Starlight shouted, jerking away.

"I beg you pardon!" A grumble came from the voice crystal. "Just because I've made a mistake—be it of disastrous nature—is no reason to raise your voice! I'll have you know that I spent weeks on perfecting that dress!"

"Oh, sorry, not you, Rarity." Starlight shoved Trixie in the shoulder. "Trixie's being overdramatic as usual."

"Humph! Hardly surprising! That mare is nothing but trouble! No fashion sense whatsoever! If it were up to me I'd—" Rarity growled in anger and frustration. "Anyway, Trixie, will you make it for dinner tonight? And please, for once in your life could you arrive on time?"

"A magician is never late." Trixie moved closer to the voice crystal. "Or early for that matter."

"Pity that you're a third rate magician," Rarity snapped. "So you're not late only one-third of the time. What exactly are you doing with Starlight anyway? You aren't getting her involved in another of your insane schemes, are you?"

"Why, I'm hurt that you of all ponies should say that!" Trixie said in faux indignation. "I guess that you won't be needing the fabric I got from the Crystal Empire, then?" A "Ha!" From the crystal indicated that Rarity wasn't taking her seriously. "And if you must know this is our scheduled spa visit, which happens to coincide with a small celebration on my part."

"No!" Rarity gasped. "You don't mean...?"

"I do!" Trixie almost squealed. "Twilight hired me! I finally have a job!"

Looking at them, Starlight's jaw was moving closer and closer to the ground. What in Equestria is going on? She blinked. It was like watching a chain carriage accident in slow motion—terrifying, yet so captivating no one had the strength to look away.

"Congratulations, darling! I know how much this means to you. I'll be sure to prepare your favourite zucchini a l'orange for the occasion."

"Well, I suppose I could find time in my busy schedule," Trixie chuckled. Starlight felt she would be sick. "Oh! No! Stars in a spindle, I can't."

"Oh?" Rarity sounded disappointed. "Whyever not, darling?"

"Twilight's invited us to celebrate my first day of work at her palace," the magician sighed. "It's kind of a big thing and I don't want to—"

"Nonsense, darling. Just leave Twilight to me. I'll take care of everything."

"Umm, excuse me?" Starlight tried to get a word in. And just to be sure she cast a silence bubble around Trixie's head to be on the safe side. Watching her and Rarity flirt over voice crystal was more than she wanted to bear right now. "You said something was wrong with the dress?" I just knew it was too good to be true! As if anypony would make such a dress for me. Rarity's going to tell me she mixed up the dress and gave me one belonging to a Canterlot duchess or a Manehattan prima instead.

"Oh, right you are, darling." Rarity cleared her throat. "Apparently, someone decided to try on your horseshoes." There was a dangerous edge in Rarity's voice. "Despite being several shoe sizes too small. And in order to keep me from getting mad, she replaced them with one of my more common sets."

"You're joking, right?" Starlight dispelled her silence spell. "You called me because you sent me the wrong horseshoes?"

"It's a disaster waiting to happen, darling. We're both fortunate that I managed to reach you in time. The horseshoes would look atrocious with that dress, not to mention they lack the practical aspects of your original set." Rarity paused for a few seconds. "This new set will make you look simply enchanting and—"

"Can this wait until after work?" Starlight tapped impatiently on the floor with her hoof. "Not to seem ungrateful, Rarity, but we are in the middle of something." Even if I was supposed to have the afternoon off.

"Oh, speak nothing of it, darling. There will be plenty of time to talk at the soirée tonight. Just be sure not to put on the dress before I arrive," Rarity said most insistently. Starlight had only heard her use that tone of voice a few times before and each time the respective party had obeyed her request to the letter. No point in breaking the tradition, Starlight thought. "Ta ta, darlings."

The voice crystal went dark. For several seconds Starlight kept staring at it, half expecting it to come back to life. When that didn't happen she slowly diverted her attention to Trixie.

"What?" Trixie asked in innocently. "We're just friends. I may have introduced her to some important ponies to make up for the way I treated her when under the cursed amulet's effect."

"You know what, Trixie?" Starlight lied onto her chaise longue. "I don't even care. The more I try to figure you out the more confusing everything becomes." Not to mention you clearly have something going on with Rarity! "Let's just survive till this evening and—" Another Crystal started blinking. "Oh, for stars' sake!"

"Have no fear." Trixie smiled then tapped on the crystal. "Behold, you have reached the Great and Powerful—"

"Trixie?" The magician was cut short by a sharp female voice with a strong Trottingham accent.

"Octavia?" Trixie's eyes widened with surprise. "Octavia, I haven't seen you since high school! How are you? How have you been?"

"I... I'm in deep trouble this time, Trixie." Every sound was drenched in sadness. "I... I really could use some help."

21. Trottingham Troubles
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

21. Trottingham Troubles

"He's..." Octavia snuffled. "He has..." Another pause, accompanied by silent crying in the background.

"Wha–" Starlight started, but Trixie raised a hoof in an unequivocal gesture for her to stop. The magician's expression had changed from smug-casual to deadly serious.

This is new, Starlight thought. I've only seen Trixie react that way once before. More alarming, it was incomprehensible imagining Octavia in trouble. She was a star, a diva-to-be, one of five earth ponies to reach the heights of music. Spike had persisted for weeks to get tickets for one of her performances—one of the few gifts that earned him a kiss from Rarity. What trouble is she in? Starlight turned her ears in the direction of the voice crystal.

"He's back to gambling," Octavia said at last. "Last week I received a card from him saying how everything's going well and he's even considering visiting, and this morning... this morning I got a telegram from the bookies. The bloody fool lost our family cottage and it's still not enough to cover half his debts!"

That's... Starlight felt a block of ice form in her stomach. Up to now she thought she had gone through a lot, but she never imagined she'd hear anything of the sort. Dealing with problems that affected the whole of Equestria, she had never experienced the bitterness that happened in everyday life. Ears drooped, she turned towards Trixie. The Magician's expression hadn't changed one bit.

"Octavia—" Trixie began.

"Do you know what Trottingham bookies do to debtors who can't pay?" Octavia interrupted. "Dad's too old to survive that! If mum were 'ere it'd break 'er 'eart!"

"Octavia, listen to me." There was unexpected firmness in Trixie's voice. "How much are we talking about?"

"I don't know!" Octavia said, breaking off in tears once more. "More than I can afford. I'm out of savings and I've used my advance. I could ask Fancy for a loan, but what then? What do I do the next time my father starts gambling?"

"If it's about the money, I can—"

"To Tartarus with the money!" Octavia shouted, startling Starlight upright. "We're talking about my father! I can't get him to stop. I've tried. I've tried so many times. Each time he promises he will, then a few months later I get a telegram from home. I can't keep doing this, Trixie. I just can't."

"Do you still love him?" Trixie stood up from the chaise longue.

"Of course I still do! He's my father! He helped raise us. He and mum paid for me to study in Canterlot! I just..." The pause was this time followed by a sigh. "I just want things to be normal. Is that too horrible to ask?

Trixie didn't answer. She just stood there, staring at the active voice crystal as if she wanted to burn through it. Beside her, Starlight fidgeted hesitantly. It would be a snap for her to brainwash Octavia's father to stop gambling, just as she could make the bookies forget they were owed money... or maybe she could make Octavia forget the whole experience? That would save a lot of effort and technically would solve the problem.

"You know?" Starlight whispered tentatively, but Trixie just shook her head. Maybe I really have a brainwashing problem? I'll have to ask someone impartial about this.

"Octavia, I know I wasn't always the best role model when we were foals, but I think I can help you," Trixie levitated her hat and hat and cowl on. "But it would take some effort on your part."

"Trixie, how much more effort can I—"

"A different type of effort," Trixie interjected. "If your father joins a rehab program you'll have to take care of him everyday. Your work might be affected, and you can say goodbye to your social life."

"You've no idea how many times I tried to get him to join one of those." A hint of anger shined through Octavia's words. "He'd say no every time, even when I put an ultimatum."

"Let me worry about that." Trixie put on her hat. "Is that what you want, though? If I start this he'll resist. He'll even hate you for it. For months it will be like living with a roommate who despises you, but is only there because he has no choice. Later he'll try to manipulate you, guilt you into taking him out of the program. Then despair will follow." Starlight's eyes widened. It's scary how good an actress you are, Trixie. "It'll be like living with a ghost. Only after that there might be signs of recovery. Are you willing to go through all that for a single chance?"

Starlight bit her lip, staring at the crystal. I never thought I'd be thankful I'm an orphan. Don't know what I'd do if I— She turned pale. What if Sunburst had some problems she wasn't aware of? Sure, he seemed all cute and reliable now, but what if he were a comic book addict? A miniature maniac? An obsessive larper? What if he actually developed a taste for gambling, or drinking, or something? I have no choice. I'll have to act slightly invasively... for his own good!

"It was a mistake calling," Octavia said. "Forget everything I said, I—"

"Octavia!" Trixie said with a tone that made Starlight's hair stand on end. "Yes or no. It a simple question."

"Damn it, Trixie! How do you expect me to make a life changing decision just like that?!"

"Will delaying help?" Trixie squinted at the voice crystal. "I guess we can always continue this talk once you've sold your cello."

Silence. Starlight thought that Octavia had left. That's what most ponies would do. Actually, that's what she had done. The effects were catastrophic. Maybe I should have opened that letter from the school for gifted unicorns.

"You always were as direct as a brick in winter," a dry laugh came from the voice crystal. "What happens if I say yes?"

"Where are you?" Trixie made a circular motion to Starlight with her hoof. Starlight shrugged. What in Equestria is that supposed to mean?

"At The Marerific," Octavia said. "Five blocks from the Palace. Right by—"

"I know the place," Trixie cut her short, giving a new series of gestures to Starlight. "Clear your schedule and go home. I'll be with you in a bit."

"Trix... I... you really don't have to use magic because of me." Hesitation crept into the musician's voice. "I appreciate everything you're doing, but..."

"Don't worry, I won't." Trixie smiled to the crystal. "Just go there and wait for me. Oh, and prepare some of that shortcake? I love that stuff."

"...alright, Trix. It's not like my day can get any worse." In the background an argument erupted. "Strings, I didn't mean that! I just really am... not at my best right now."

"I know, I know," Trixie sighed. "Go to a pharmacy to get a calming spell then head straight home. Okay?"

"Thank you, Trix."

"See you soon, Octavia. Don't forget the spell." Trixie tapped on the crystal. The second its glow vanished she looked straight at Starlight, who was standing there with the most puzzled expression in existence. Changelings, civil war, and Scootaloo conquest paled in comparison to what she had just witnessed. "How good is your magic?" she asked without a moment's explanation.

"Pretty good." For the first time in her life, Starlight wasn't sure whether she should make such a claim. "What exactly do—"

"Can you teleport to Trottingham with somepony?"

"Maaaaybe?" The concern in Starlight's eyes grew. "Trixie, are you thinking of us teleporting to Trottingham then brainwashing the bookies into forgetting they’re owed money?" she gasped. "Not that I'm entirely against it, but we'll have to brainwash Octavia's father, then all the ponies he's gambled with, possibly the bookies' associates, oh and let's not forget Octavia. Not that she isn't your friend, but not everypony is open to using such methods. Oh, and—" a hoof was placed gently on her shoulder making her stop. Starlight looked at her friend with concern. She expected to hear ridicule, indignation, or mockery. Instead, Trixie just shook her head with a smile.

"We're not teleporting to Trottingham," the magician said calmly. "You're teleporting Octavia's father from there," she announced proudly. "Before that, I'll need a lift to Canterlot, though." She levitated one of the voice crystals towards her.

"What?!" Starlight shouted.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Twilight's going to freak! She started panicking in place. She's been telling me she disapproves of my contact with ex-villains from day one. It took months of convincing for her to accept me seeing Trixie, and now I'm... I don't even know what I'm doing! Kidnapping?! The father of a celebrity at that! I could dream of a talk with Luna after this.

"Trixie, maybe we can talk about this." Sweat trickled down Starlight's face. "It's not that I'm doubting your expertise in the matter..." By Tartarus, of course I am! You're a con artist through and through! True, a lovable con artist, but still! "Maybe we should rethink the whole..." she paused. Trixie wasn't listening to her. Instead the magician was zapping spells of some sort onto the voice crystal. "Trixie, what are you doing?" Starlight's curiosity took over once more.

"Modifying this beauty," Trixie smiled, casting another zap of magic. "I've read about a few undocumented functions that let you change the target of conversation. I sent a letter to the manufacturer about it ages ago, but did they fix it? No! They just keep adding superficial patches and don't bother with the core enchantments. And all because I'm not a princess." She Humphed. "Here you go," she tossed the crystal at Starlight. "Keep it with you at all times."

Just great! Starlight snorted. And now she's hacked Twilight's toy. Not like Her Geekiness won't freak out about that. Last time she saw me remove a package sticker without a checklist she nearly had a heart attack. Looking at the device, though, she had to admit that Trixie had done a rather good job; nearly flawless if Starlight could be any judge. This certainly wasn't anything she had come to expect from her friend. Despite her many other unusual qualities, Trixie wasn't overly good with magic. For some reason that inspired a certain degree of confidence.

"What exactly was your plan again?" Starlight asked. I'm so dead!

"Simple." Trixie started tinkering with another of the voice crystals. "You go to Trottingham and teleport him here. No, wait." She paused, her lips subvocalizing. "Better go to my cabin. Much better there. Just engage in some small talk, give him some crackers and what not until I get back, okay?"

"How am I supposed to recognize him? I've never seen Octavia's father."

"Please," Trixie waved a hoof. "A stallion with a famous daughter and a gambling problem? He's probably told the entire island about her."

"Oookay." Worst plan ever! "What about Twilight? She asked us to handle this caller catastrophe."

"Oh, she's probably busy on her end. Won't even notice us gone for a bit. Besides—" Trixie winked "—she doesn't need to know."

"Riiight." Starlight narrowed her eyes. Technically they were working to help a caller but she didn't approve of the method. Only she had the right to break the rules and no one else. "And I guess we leave the remaining voice crystals here until we're done?"

"Don't be silly. Spike will take care of that."

"Spike?" This just gets better and better! "And what by Celestia's mane makes you think that..." There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. The smug smile that formed on Trixie's face told Starlight all she needed to know. "For the sake of my sanity, don't say another word! I'll go to Trottingham, find the gambler, then wait for you in your wagon. And if Twilight ever asks about this I'll say I was brainwashed, tortured, and betrayed into doing it! Then I'll deny everything. Got that?!"

"You're just being a drama queen," Trixie rolled her eyes. "Besides, we'll be done in ten minutes. As long as you do your part."

"Of course." Put it all on me, why don't you? Just like that time with the manticore. With a grumble, Starlight summoned a saddlebag, put the voice crystal in it, and teleported to Trottingham... right under the pouring rain. A wave of icy cold greeted her, assign cold and miserable to her condition.

Damn it, Trixie! Starlight cast a series of spells—shelter bubble, dry spell, and a bit of warmth cover—just to return to more bearable level of miserable. The contrast from arriving in a downpour after being pampered in spa couldn't be greater. I'm so finding a way to have Trixie pay me travel expenses! A golden pass to the spa for two, for starters!

"So much for the easy part," she grumbled to herself. "Now I only have to find a stallion I haven't seen before, virtually kidnap him, and—" the voice crystal in her saddlebag started buzzing. Apparently, Trixie had added sound along with the other modifications. Oh, joy. New ways of getting me annoyed, Starlight thought.

Taking a deep breath, she levitated the crystal out and tapped it.

"What is it, Trixie?" She hissed. "I already said I'll find the stallion, so don't you even try guilting me into—"

"You forgot to send me to Canterlot," Trixie said, breaking Starlight's train of thought. Even in the cold of Trottingham, Starlight felt her cheeks burn. This was embarrassing, to say the least. Biting her lip, the unicorn quickly teleported back.

Please not the smug look! She winced, eyes closed fearing the humiliation. Cautiously, she cracked an eye open.

"You really need to relax," the magician shook her head, then put something which looked suspiciously like tickets into Starlight's saddlebags. "You'll thank me later." Trixie winked.

Two zaps later Starlight was back in Trottingham. This time, however, everything was as it should be. She was sheltered from the rain and cold, and Trixie was safely teleported to the center of Canterlot. There was only one slight negative side—Starlight had teleported to a pub... full of stallions.

"Why 'ello, love," the most shifty voice in existence greeted her. It was matched by a twice as shifty pegasus. Just looking at him made Starlight cringe. I thought such characters only existed in comic books, she said to herself. "Cannot read the sign, eh?"

"Sign?" Starlight blinked.

"’Tallions only, love," the pegasus laughed. "Not that me and the lads mind a surprise visit," he added with a wink. "Okay, lads, who brought the mare?" Mumbling and whispers filled the room. "I know you lot'r too cheap to buy a cake."

"Cake?" Starlight blinked again. "Sign? Mare?" Actually, I don't want to know. "Listen, I'm in a bit of a hurry, so if any of you happen to know of a stallion who has a daughter named Octavia Harmony..." her voice trailed off. For a moment of eternity, everyone seemed frozen, staring at her in silence.

Of course. Starlight sighed. They probably think I'm an idiot. Determined to kill Trixie upon her return, she took a brief look around. The pub—that much she could tell by the barrels, the bar, and the photos of drunk people on the walls—had an air of tradition that masked its unkept state. From what she could tell it was at least a century older than anything Starlight had been to, it was also meticulously clean. The patrons were a mix of earth ponies and griffins, with the occasional pegasus or unicorn. None of them were smiling.

"Well, thank you for your help." Starlight tiptoed towards the only door she could see. "I'll be go—"

"'Old on, love." The pegasus blocked her path. "I think we nee' ta 'ave a few words."

"No, no, no," Starlight waved a hoof, trying to inch away towards the door. "I'm sure that you wouldn't want anypony as boring as me to ruin your... festivities. I'll just—"

"'Ave a pint!" The pegasus nodded to what appeared to be the innkeeper, who on his turn started pouring a rather large bowl of ale. "Now, sit 'ere an' tell me what mess has me Tav gotten' 'erself into."

22. Crossed Lines
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Twilight's Friendship Hotline

22. Crossed Lines

"Uh-huh." Starlight nodded, an annoyed expression on her face. "Yes, I understand that might be a problem. But I—"

"'Ave any more biscuits, love?" Stormwing—also known as Octavia's dad—sat at the exceedingly small table across from her. "Can't kidnap a bloke withou' givin' 'im a decent meal, am I righ'?" He let out a nasal laugh.

Calm. I must stay calm. Starlight tried to focus on her call. Just teleport him, Trixie said. I'll be there in a minute, Trixie said! It didn't help that the mare on the other side didn't grasp the idea of the friendship hotline. Instead of asking for help on a serious matter, she had spent the last hour going on and on about every small annoyance she could think of, starting with the time she had an argument with her best friend in high school... seven years ago.

"So... Excuse me... Sorry for interrupting, but are you still in touch with your friends?" Starlight managed to sneak in a word while darting an angry glance at the pegasus. Teleporting him half Equestria away from the pub had done little to change his behaviour. If anything, it had made him more insufferable.

"Yes! Uh-huh! Definitely!" The caller said enthusiastically. "Every week. In fact, Firehoof and Sparkle are waiting for me at the bar. We always go clubbing together, ever since junior high." Across the table, the middle aged pegasus tapped his empty cup with a hoof, as if it were a bell.

I'll patiently wait for Trixie to come back, then I'll transform her and Stormwing into frogs, which I'll put in a bottle and teleport to the bottom of the ocean! Starlight resisted the urge to cast a transfiguration spell. An hour ago—when she had teleported to the pub Octavia’s father was partying—she could hardly believe her luck. To find one pony among millions was a mathematical improbably. Now, she felt the universe had cheated her. If there was an Element of Annoyance he was it.

To make matters worse, Starlight’s troubles hadn't ended there. Upon teleporting with the pegasus to Ponyville, she had come to find Trixie’s wagon completely deserted… except for a note on the table, half covered by a voice crystal. The words "Spike could only take one" had made it clear that Starlight would have to continue taking calls while keeping an eye on the pegasus—who for all intents and purposes she might have as well kidnapped.

"Tea's gone too, love," Stormwing said, as if the irritating tapping on the cup wasn't indication enough.

"Well, I think you should discuss the past with your friends," Starlight said, summoning a teapot in front of her "guest." "Like a trip down memory lane. You never know how it might change your destiny."

"No touch o' rum?" the pegasus asked, making Starlight grind her teeth.

Fine! Whatever! She summoned a bottle next to the teapot. What do I care if he gets drunk and destroys the wagon? It’s Trixie's fault for leaving me here with that... that… There was no adequate way of describing the stallion. The literary phrase "roguish charm" came to mind, if the pony inventing the definition had been half drunk and with questionable values.

From the short time she had spent with him, Starlight saw Stormwing as the type who would enter somepony's life, mess it thoroughly, then smile and ask for a tissue with the promise he'd clean everything up. He seemed charming, in an overly annoyingly way, yet based on Octavia's reaction things were serious. And, of course, I have to deal with a clubpony, who's idea of problems is the colour of her hoofpolish, Starlight thought as the caller went on to describe another scene of her life. Stars, why is brainwashing illegal?

"Yes, that's exactly it." Starlight slapped the pegasus on the hoof as he attempted to slip more rum in his tea than was appropriate. "Take five minutes to concentrate on the music, then look at a stallion and say the first thing that comes to mind."

"OMG! That's, like, so deep!" the caller shouted, making both Starlight and Stromwing's ears perk up. "I never thought of that! Thanks, Starlight! Best advice ever!"

The voice crystal went dark, letting Starlight sigh in relief. Twilight would hardly be impressed, but at least her ears could get a well deserved break.

"Long day, love?" Stormwing asked, pouring a second cup of tea, which he then pushed towards her.

"You have no idea," Starlight groaned.

"Righ'," he took another gulp of his drink. "So, what's Tav done?"

"Nothing." Starlight took a sip of the tea. She despised tea in general, but right now she was in no state to be picky. "She's fine."

"So ya fancy me, then?" The question made Starlight almost spit her tea out. "Mos' girls just buy me a drin'. Ya ‘gic mares go way ou'."

"What?!" Starlight glared right at him. You think too highly of yourself! As if I'd be—

"'Tis 'em win's, righ'?" Starlight stretched his wings, filling out what little space there was in the wagon. "Be'er 'an taters in mash."

"Hold it!" Starlight shouted. Her horn lit up, sending a thread of aura into the stallion's mouth. Precisely at that moment the door of the tiny wagon swung open.

"Rejoice, all, for I, the Great and P—" Trixie jumped in making her usual entrance. The sight of Starlight casting an invasive spell on Octavia's father must have had a profound effect, for she cut her speech short, slammed the door shut, them used her magic to pull the curtains.

"Trixie?" Starlight blinked, seeing the distressed state of her friend. "Why are—" Hay! The spell! The magic flickered off. "This isn't what it seems!" She waved her hooves defensively. "Everything is perfectly fine. And there's a very good explanation for this."

"How much of his brain is left?" Trixie whispered, hoof on her chest.

"What? No! Trixie!" Starlight made an attempt to stand up, but between the table and the pegasus' wings that proved impossible. "I just wanted—"

"I say, that was a bit of a zap, what." Stormwing said, far less disturbed than he should have been, and took another gulp from his "tea".

"What have you done, Starlight?" Trixie narrowed her eyes.

"Me? Just what you told me!" Starlight moved back defensively.

"He doesn't even sound like himself!"

"Twixie? Is that you?" the pegasus asked. "My word, it is! Little Twixie Wuwamoon," he laughed. A read streak appeared on the magician's face. "Well that explains everything. When little missy here told me something was wrong with Tav, I feared the worst. It all makes sense now." He shook his head in the fashion a parent does upon realizing their child hasn't been kidnapped, but merely hiding after setting the living room on fire.

"Twixie Wuwamoon?" Starlight asked, trying to keep a straight face. Even in the present circumstances it was a nearly impossible task.

"Little Twixie was the only pony Tav brought home once," Stormwing smiled. "I think it was because of the teleportation thing. Let me tell you, if I could do that, the money I'd save on travel fare would be astounding."

What? Trixie can teleport? And at such great distances? That's certainly not the Trixie I know.

"She always got my filly in trouble, she did," Stormwing went on. "Always going about with that case, and those braces. Could barely say her own name, but still felt the world was hers to rule, didn't you Twixie?"

"That was a long time ago," Trixie looked away.

"Of course it would be your idea to teleport me here like that. Jolly good joke, I say." He folded his wings. "The lads back at the pub will have a laugh when they find out. I bet they're probably shouting their heads off at the constable right now, and me—I'm having tea with two charming mares. You don't happen to have any cake by chance, do you?"

"Constable?!" Trixie shouted. "What did you do?" She glared at Starlight. "I told you to teleport him here, not kidnap him! I'll have to find a way to explain all this to Octy and fix the mess in Trottingham."

"Well, you weren't very specific!" Starlight crossed her forelegs. "You just threw me a voice crystal and told me to get him here. Not my fault Trottingham was an icy hell full of questionable stallions!"

"That's why the sign said Stallions' Night, my dear," Stormwing commented.

"Look! He's here, I'm here, you're here." Starlight managed to struggle out of her chair. "Let's just go on with your stupid plan and be done with it! Twilight will kill us afterwards, but at least she'll do it in the comfort of her castle, not in a dump like this!"

"Well, since you can't do anything right, I might as well just take care of things myself!" Trixie humphed. "Just teleport us to Canterlot and—"

"Oh, no you don't!" Starlight stomped on the table. "I'm coming along. I want to hear with my own ears what your great and powerful plan is! Not like you seem capable of explaining it!"

"Ha! Half a day on the job and I've done more than you have in a week." The magician smirked.

"Really?" Starlight narrowed her eyes.

Think you're doing better, eh? Magic twirled round her horn. Well, you're not! My magic equals that of Twilight! I've ten times more friends than you'll ever have! And just for your information, I've done an excellent job in helping callers! Violet light flooded the room. In a flash the cramped wagon interior vanished, replaced by—

"Huh?" Starlight blinked. They were in an empty meadow, in front of a rather large marble building. A massive wall surrounded it on all sides, making it appear anything by cheerful. "This isn't Canterlot." Starlight looked at the magician.

"Trixie?" a familiar voice asked. "What are... oh."

Standing a few steps away from then was Octavia herself. The last time Starlight saw the musician was on stage, surrounded by an audience of high society ponies—the creme de la creme of Canterlot. Now, Octavia was a shadow of herself at best: her eyes were red, her mane was messy, hastily brushed into shape, and the vest she was wearing could pass as second hand casual attire at best. Biting her lip, Starlight glanced at Stormwing. Had he really driven his daughter to such a desperate state?

"Nice going, hoofs-for-brains," Trixie whispered.

"Octavia, my dear," Stormwing smiled. "It's been far too long. How have you been? Nice of you to organize a surprise for your dear old father. Wonderful work, I say!"

Octavia looked at the pair of unicorns.

"Speech improvement spell," Starlight said, flashing an apologetic smile. "I had difficulty understanding him."

"I guess it's some improvement," the musician sighed. "How are you, father?"

"Smashing, my dear!" The pegasus trotted to her. "Couldn't be better." He started placing his wing over her, but Octavia moved aside. "Oh, I see." He folded his wing back. "So what is it this time?"

"Do you even have to ask?" Octavia hissed.

"You still blame me for what happened to your mother, don't you? I thought we had put that behind us. Apparently, that's too much to hope for."

"You're unbelievable!" Octavia shouted, moving further away. "You gamble everything you have on pigeon races and you make it out as it's my fault?!"

"Is that what this is about? Gambling? Sweetie, I told you I haven't—"

"I got a telegram!" Octavia snapped, turning her head towards him. "And it isn't the first one! Merciful sun, I've been coveting your gambling debts for so long they seem like part of the bloody taxes! Do you know the trouble I've been through to get the money wired on time? There were weeks I couldn't sleep, thinking what might happen to you!"

"Tav, I just didn't want to worry you..." Stormwing sighed. "Yes, I have been playing a bit, but I'm winning! Before your friend kidnapped me, I was celebrating. A hundred bits at seven to five. And I'm sure to keep the trend. This is the start of a comeback. In a few weeks I'll pay everything back and even buy you a—"

"Please, don't," Octavia whispered through her tears.

"Tav, I—"

"I've sold the house!" The musician cut him short. "I sold it and everything in it. That should be enough to settle your debts and take care of the fees."

Starlight felt a chill down her spine. This was your plan? she thought, looking at Trixie. Sending off Octavia's father into involuntary rehab? That's... She could only imagine what the musician was going through. Sending off your own father. Was it necessary, though? True, her father had some gambling issues by the sound of it, and could be incredibly difficult to get along with, but did he deserve that?

"Oct—" Starlight began, but Trixie's hoof on her shoulder suggested it might be best she not continue.

"I'm putting you in rehab, father," Octavia said firmly.

"Now, now, Tav." The pagasus' expression had completely changed. Fear mixed with regret was all over his face. "You've made your point. I—"

"It's done. I've already signed the paperwork."

"Tav, please," her father pleaded. "It's been hard on everypony, but I can change. Remember the time you wanted to go to study here? Your mother was against it. She didn't think you'd survive so far away from home, but I convinced her to give you a chance."

"It's too late, father." Octavia turned away from him.

"Octavia, if you do this you're not my daughter anymore." The words were harsh and quiet. "If I set foot in that prison you better not show your face again. Ever. I might have broken many promises before, but I promise you this—I'll never forgive you."

"Sorry, Mr. S." Trixie's horn flared. One second the pegasus was there standing with them, a flash later he was gone.

Since what can Trixie teleport? Starlight wondered. And what type of spell was that? Not standard teleportation, that's for sure.

"He'll forgive you," Trixie said, going next to Octavia. "It won't be easy, though. I don't think he'll look at you for a year, maybe two. Eventually, he will. You just have to be patient and get your life back on track."

"Back on track, eh?" Octavia let out a sad laugh.

"Hey, you still have your Prince Charming to find." The magician winked. "Don't worry. You can always call the hotline if you need help. That's what we're for."

"Trixie... I..." Octavia shook her head. "Thank you. Both of you. I feel terrible, but at least I know things will get better gradually. At this point that's enough, I guess."

"Hang in there. Remember, your prince might be right round the corner. You need to be ready for him, okay?" Trixie winked. "And with that the Great and Powerful Trixie, plus assistant, will vanish back to Ponyville!" The magician looked at Starlight. "Well?"

Nope. Not even going to question it! All this is just a crazy dream summoned by Luna to show me some important lesson.

"Well?!?" Trixie asked louder.

This time Starlight got the hint. Without a moment's thought she cast her spell, transporting the two of the back to Trixie's wagon. It seemed surprisingly spacious now that Stormwing wasn't there, yet at the same time somewhat empty.

"Talk about a tough first assignment." Trixie levitated her cloak onto the coat rack. "I'll be asking Twilight for an increase in pay. Or at least a better title. Partner would be nice. What do you think?"

"Eh?" Starlight blinked, her mind still dwelling on Octavia and her father.

"Yes, you're right." Trixie moved the teapot and bottle of rum on one of the cupboards, arranging the voice crystals on the table. "I better not tip my hoof. Twilight will undoubtedly make an offer once she sees how well Trixie handles her new responsibilities. Do you want anything to eat? I was thinking of ordering takeout."

"Whatever's good." How can you be so calm?!

"Suit yourself." Trixie winked, then magicked a window open. "Snails, fetch me and starlight something to eat will you? Anything off the twenty bit menu. Just keep it easy on the sugar, okay?" Not waiting for even a hint if a response, the magician shut the window, focusing her attention back on the voice crystals.

"Trixie, you're one of a kind, you know that?" Starlight sighed.

"Oh, definitely." Trixie grinned. "Now, where are all those callers?"