"This is the calm before the titties."
Sarcasm: the use of irony to mock of convey contempt; the use of words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say especially in order to insult someone, to show irritation, or to be funny.
One of the many things that are a part of human nature, is how charismatic they can be, especially how influential their words can be. You're most likely wondering 'hey wait a minute, why am I being fed this retarded piece of shit information'? That's easy, because you are all going to witness the adventures of the greatest human being of All Time.
An adventure filled to the brim centering around a person whom many will love & hate.
The envy of all the men in the Earth.
The reason why women orgasm on the spot.
The bane of corruption itself.
The slayer of greedy cum guzzling, cock sucking douchbags.
The Nipple Messiah.
The representation of all that is truly holy & beyond.
The TRUE second coming of Jesus 'Holy' Christ.
The one who will one day go from "regular one million subscriber Let's Player" to "the most legendary commentator on YouTube of All Time". Much more famous than a certain Swedish man.
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Actually he's really just an average, mediocre human being; most people that are his fans think otherwise, so for the sake of the story plot let's just imagine that he's exactly what I just described before, & that the over exaggerations said are true.
So without any interruptions whatsoever, let the greatest adventure of All Time commence.
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The over exaggeration of being much better than that aforementioned Swedish man was just a joke in case if you were wondering.
Somewhere in the United States resides a human being, but not just any human being, but a person who has brought joy & laughter to many people simply because of the witty words that have exited out of his holy mouth.
With a voice so deep & beautiful that the chances of a person being cured from a health threatening illness just from simply hearing it will happen every single time without fail whatsoever.
Bearing also an untainted, pure heart of metaphorical gold, his pureness also has gentleness that is theoretically rivaled by newborns.
Also wielding a charisma so powerful that every single word that's produced from his blessed vocal chords is enough to put all the influential speeches in history to shame.
He is the light to all who have gotten themselves lost in sorrow, emitting a brightness that no other light in the universe can match.
So basically, this person's a one of a kind, & the one I'm talking about is none other, than the legendary penguinz0; or Cr1TiKaL, whichever floats your boat.
Right now he's playing Dark Souls III as one of the many characters that he has made in every previous video game he's played in past commentaries: Professor Sad.
"In fact the secret to this magic trick is being super sad, & he's being propelled by all of his agony & sad feelings; it's throwing him into the sky. That's uh, that's the physics right there, I know it's a little scientific but that's pretty much how it works," Cr1TiKaL said as he explained why his character was floating in midair in his latest commentary video. As soon as the words left his mouth, a blackout occurred in his house, thus shutting off all the lights; including the PS4 & television for they weren't spared either, leaving him in total darkness.
"...wow, you've gotta be fucking a fish right now," deadpanned Cr1TiKaL, then he face palmed right now as he just remembered one crucial piece of information: it was raining outside. Not only that, but he had also forgotten the possibility of the rain water soaking through the power box connected to his house.
During that short, uneventful moment, he'd felt like the most stupidest, brain dead human being in the whole planet.
Without uttering another word, he got up from his chair so that he could begin his search for a flashlight despite being enveloped in total darkness.
At this point you're wondering 'why is this person getting up to find a flashlight if he's in total darkness with no other light source to help him in his search'? That's simple: if a dark, scary environment with a lake house & vultures weren't enough to keep him from playing hide-n-seek as a child, then how is the darkness going to hinder his search for a flashlight be any different?
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Yeah, I bet you've never come up with a retort for that, huh?
Anyways, unfortunately Cr1TiKaL would never get the opportunity to finish his search because as soon as he took a few steps forward his T.V. suddenly came to life on it's own; despite the obvious fact that there's no power in his house.
"...Alright, my T.V. just turns on it's own even though the electricity is still gone from my house," Cr1TiKaL said to himself, not in the least bit unnerved that his television was somehow able to turn back on without the need of electricity.
Which his house was lacking right now.
Soon he was in front of his T.V., & the only thing showing on the screen is a snowstorm of black & white flakes; basically, it's just static. Getting curious, he slowly moved his right hand towards the screen & the result was interesting (in Cr1TiKaLs opinion) to say the least: the static that was closest to the five digit appendage suddenly stayed still & began to gather slowly to where he would place his hand, making a silhouette of the slowly approaching hand. When Cr1TiKaL's hand finally made contact with the screen, the static suddenly surrounded the appendage, covering it in it's snow like glory. On pure instinct alone, he withdrew his hand & looked to see it was no longer covered in static.
"Okay what in the name of the mythical aztec shit covered nipples is going on!? First the power goes out, then my T.V. turns its bitch ass on it's own like from the 2002 psychological horror film The Ring; which is also a remake of the 1998 Japanese horror film Ring; also a remake of the novel itself, & right now it tried to devour me like I was a five star meal prepared by Gordon fucking Ramsay!"
Somehow with the patience of the most wisest of men in history; maybe even wiser than them altogether, Cr1TiKaL had stopped his short rant immediately. Now after listening to himself ranting about something that isn't normal, he began to ponder on the short but odd events that just occurred not too long ago, thus, making that intelligently unmatched cerebral organ of a brain located within his majestic cranium process it all.
Making him come to a realization:
"No matter how small a percentage is, the possibility & probability of it is still going to happen regardless of the small digits & calculations," Cr1TiKaL muttered to himself; also showing how intelligent & smart he is, as these thoughts ran through his 'mediocre' mind as he put. After much thinking, he now possessed a clear mind & had decided to ask the million dollar question:
"Actually, why is this occurring within the confines & comfort of my own house if people consider this 'unnatural'?" He asked with a hinted tone of mockingness in his voice.
His great, great majestic voice.
"Because you've been chosen."
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*slow clapping*
Ju-ust what he wanted right now in this odd moment of his life; a voice answering his aforementioned million dollar question without any warning or indication that it was going to make itself known.
Yeah, this is definitely what he wanted right now. Some company that wasn't even hear to begin with & considering how it just spoke from out of nowhere made his consider this was someone; or something, on a supernatural level.
Precisely what he wanted in this moment of grand confusion swirling around the man's head. Yep, something he was basically begging for to happen, & he had gotten it.
Mhmm, exactly what he'd wanted.
All that was missing was that demented girl from the Ring franchise to simply pop out of his T.V., & kill him right here & there.
That's right ladies & gentlemen, that is the only thing that's left on the ever piling randomness that seems to arrive without warning.
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After an extended period of nothing but expected silence in the aftermath of the sarcasm expressed not too long ago, Cr1TiKaL decided to add in his two cents & ask the "mysterious" voice, as he called it.
Because really, what was he going to name it instead? Boss Awesome? Shake weight? BJ Pro? Handjob Master? Ass Tickler? Titty Fondler?
No, those names would be too ridiculous & stupid; they wouldn't even fit the voice very well even if they tried.
"Who said that, & where are you?" he asked.
"Inside the screen," the voice replied.
Cr1TiKaL then focused his attention towards his television; which was still showing static. Now wanting to get his answers quick so he could get this ridiculous shit over with, by asking yet another million dollar question.
"Hey, what do you mean 'I've been chosen'?" he asked, referring to the previous million dollar question.
"Step closer & I'll tell you," the voice said in return.
also he did but not without caution, because he was completely unsure if what he was doing right now was either the correct decision or a very stupid one. When he was just about 1 inch away from the static filled screen, regret & annoyance was the only thing coursing throughout his entire being; both body & mind as the only thing rewarding his simple efforts were tendrils made out of static sprout from the television screen & wrap themselves around the man's form. When the tendrils had a firm grip on him, they pulled Cr1TiKaL inside the screen & enveloped him in static. As the last traces of him disappeared inside the small sea of static, the television turned off & the entire house was filled with darkness yet again. The only sound heard was the constant barrage of rain hitting the outside of the house.
It was almost time.
Just a few hours more before the Summer Sun Celebration began, & once it did, all of the residents of Ponyville would be able to bask in the glory of the Sun. The signature ball of fire that their princess controlled. Ah yes, it would be a wonderful thing to remember.
However, it wouldn't be so simple & panic free for the entire population of the village. In fact, it would be quite an event to truly remember instead; a series of events to be exact.
That's why the exciting adventure won't center around an intelligent (very nerdy), violet coated unicorn scholar whose first name is the exact name of the gayest novel & motion picture film; even gayer than Brokeback Mountain, but instead it'll actually center around a unique sentient organism, one that will alter the course of history because of his actions; & dare I say his vulgar, but hilarious toilet humor. A one of a kind flesh & blood being that will be remembered in this worlds history, for generations to come.
Which now brings us to the current whereabouts of our favorite charismatic, sarcasm fueled protagonist.
There were only three things that Cr1TiKaL had registered after he had awoken from having an odd but strange dream, well, he thought it was a dream; if a dream happened to be events that occurred shortly before.
First, he had woke up lying on some comfortable looking grass.
Second it was nighttime.
Third, he had awoken in a position that a majority of human beings would consider, well, lewd & inappropriate; not to mention oddly arousing.
Getting up from his favorite sex position, he had finally noticed a sign that had writing in which it was English, but at the same time a different language altogether. Walking closer to the sign he was now able to get a better look at the writing written on the wooden sign. Some of the letters looked like the English alphabet but in reverse, the rest were letters he didn't know, putting him in a position in which he now had no idea on what to do next; even if he had one of the worst games he's played in the past in his possession it still would not have helped him in figuring out the rest of the writing.
He was a commentator who made videos for fun only, not a fucking video game nerd who takes it upon themselves to review all the video games that were considered shit, bullshit, & horseshit.
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'That thought had no relevance to this situation of mine whatsoever,' Cr1TiKaL thought.
Finishing his line of thought he decided to walk towards the seemingly empty town so as to get some directions & information of the location he's in. When he entered the town he noticed that the houses looked very old, & the architecture was that of medieval style. One of the things he noticed while walking is how the night seemed, more lively than ever; not to mention those four stars homing in on the moon with the picture of a unicorn on it.
Oh that's right, apparently the moon has the picture of a fucking unicorn imprinted on its crater covered surface, with four stars closing in on it. The man was beginning to think if this was all a really weird lucid dream he was having right now.
Then again, waking up inside Shrek's asshole & mistaking his giant penis as the Great Wall of China while having an animated adventure tops this shit he was experiencing. Although a voice having convinced your T.V. to eat you whole & sending you to a strange place is also weird; if you were a normal person & not Cr1TiKaL.
Anyways, as Cr1TiKaL continued to wander the seemingly old, abandoned town, he had the urge to voice his thoughts out so as to curb his slowly, but ever increasing boredom from reaching dangerous levels.
That, & it was too damn quiet for his own liking.
"You know, when I asked what that voice meant that I was 'chosen', this is exactly what I had in mind; convincing my own T.V. to gobble me up like supper, knock me out in the process, & send me to an unknown landscape. Yep, definitely what I had wanted to happen to me ever since I woke up this morning," Cr1TiKaL said, voicing out on what was in his head; each word dipped in the finest vats of sarcasm ever synthesized.
After wandering around for a bit he reached the center of the town & was rewarded for his efforts by witnessing an important looking building. One of the many things distinguishing it from the other buildings was that it was far more livelier than the empty houses he passed by; if the noise & lights going on inside were anything to go by. Meanwhile, the gears in the man's head were turning as a plan was forming within his cerebral organ. If there was a party of some sort going on inside, then there was a sure fire chance that he'll get the directions he so honestly desires at the moment.
"Okay then, it's time to crash this party," Cr1TiKaL said as he walked towards the building, now more determined than ever to get the answers he so rightly deserves to be given, not knowing that he had taken the first steps of what he is now destined to do.
Every single one of the quadrupeded, multi-colored equines inside the town hall were all petrified at the scene before them, but none more so than a certain violet color schemed unicorn. Nightmare Moon had returned from her imprisonment; which was located inside or on the surface of the giant spherical satellite in outer space known as the Moon. That wasn't the only shocking thing that was the cause of the their ever growing confusion & panic. No, it's the two claims that Nightmare Moon has made that had everyone feeling complete disbelief & dread: one, the evil alicorn claims that their princess; Celestia has been imprisoned. Second, she announces that there will be eternal night forever.
Or some other half-assed villain made plan
Anyway, as soon as the obviously crazed tyrant (whose hair & tail look like they've gone on a hair spray overdose, & that both have become the gas like substance itself) finished her monologing, the doors to the entrance of Ponyville's town hall opened without any warning or indication.
& lo & behold, the sight itself had overloaded everyone's mental disbelief & confusion meters to metaphorically skyrocket. That, or their confusion completely overrode the emotion of fear.
The one responsible for the simple action that was opening the doors was a creature that no one had ever seen obviously; it was also bipedal. It's choice of clothing was both 'horrid' & 'bland' a certain ivory coated unicorn had thought. It wore what seemed to be a red jacket with long sleeves & his face was covered in a shadow with what appeared to be a red hood connected to the jacket itself. It also wore a pair of green shorts which surrounded its hind legs; which were obviously used to stand upright (its hind legs not the shorts). Surrounding its feet were what appeared to be small black & white... boots? Well, they thought they were boots; if boots ever had strings going through them like a zig-zag tunnel network.
The last irrelevant fact about the biped was that the only things visible on its shadowed face were a pair of eyes with black dots for pupils, white lines for eyebrows, & last but not least brown fur (to the ponies' point of view) growing from where its chin is; only the lower half of its face was visible for all to see, leaving only the shadow covered areas to leave much for the imagination.
Both the bipedal creature & candy pigmented ponies didn't utter a single vocal sound whatsoever as they analyzed each other in confusion with the atmosphere filled with caution. In an outside point of view the biped looked like it was utterly lost, & the quadrupeds looked like they were expecting a visitor but didn't count on the possibility that they would look like something that hasn't been recorded in history. Ever.
However, the only one who wasn't filled with confusion & caution, but instead with anger & frustration was none other than Nightmare Moon herself. This creature had the audacity to interrupt her great moment when she had every single one of her 'little ponies' cowering before her; well, almost all of them.
If she had just made that annoying prismatic pegasus an example of what happened if they dared rebelled against her, then she would've had their undivided attention & show who the one in charge is; even that violet coated unicorn with the baby dragon beside her would think twice before talking back against her.
But no, a clothed monkey (she assumed it was, what with the similar body structure & all) just had to barge in when the greatest fruition of her plan had begun.
Her rage was bubbling at the mere thought of it, continually dwelling on it only seemed to intensify it by each passing second.
Having enough of this nonsense, she directed her attention on the 'stupid monkey' or 'inferior being', she had now decided to break to the ever continuous silence by bellowing at the aforementioned biped with her regal & commanding voice; which was also laced with fury.
"WHO ARE YOU & HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY GREATEST MOMENT!? SPEAK NOW!" Nightmare Moon demanded.
To her surprise & everyone else's, the biped replied by speaking in these words, formulated by the greatest of poets in the deepest voice its vocal chords produced.
"What's up everybody it's Cr1TiKaL, & right now I'm being surrounded & yelled at by mini horses. Let's do this shit."
& do this shit he did.
Author's Note
This is the first story I've ever made, so feel free to point out mistakes that are in this chapter, & another thing I've noticed is that there are only 2 Cr1TiKaL stories in this site, what gives? Also nearly forgot to mention that the time setting for this story takes place in the beginning of season 1, because 'why not'?
5/10/2016: first chapter is done being re-edited, & I gotta say, it looks better than it was before.
Sometime during summer vacation I'll make an Angry German Kid story. Reason why is because there isn't a SINGLE thing about AGK here! So I've decided to take it upon myself to introduce AGK to this site.
Don't forget to stay tuned to the next chapter of Cr1TiKaL's Excellent Adventure:
"You give a horse an ass-whopping & it'll turn over a new leaf."
Also if you got the AVGN reference, then good job.
"You give a horse one ass-whooping & it'll think about what it's done. However..."
Author's Note
I have no excuse for the long delay. But here it is, the second chapter to a Cr1TiKaL story. While the other two were only one-shots.
Originally the chapter was going to be called "You give a horse an ass-whopping & it'll turn over a new leaf." But because of the one-month delay I felt that it should be updated now rather than later.
I'll continue the third part after I get some sleep.
Also don't forget to point out any errors that should be corrected & fixed. One more thing, the group Cr1TiKaL's Nipples has been founded by yours truly. It's a way to encourage other authors to write Cr1TiKaL stories that would fare much better than this one. The way I see it, I have a feeling that this story won't be successful.
Alright, that's it. Enjoy.
"You give a horse one ass-whooping & it'll think about what it's done. However..."
No one said a single word after that announcement made by the strange biped; calling itself "Critical", who didn't appear to be the least bit scared after being yelled at by the (still obviously mental) dark alicorn. In fact it seems to act like this was your everyday weekend night right here folks. It appeared as though that interrupting villains during their monologuing was this creatures favorite hobby & past time.
If it was, then they were all surprised (except Nightmare Moon) that this carbon based life form was still alive & not dead; or enduring some kind of sadistic torture the "theoretical-villains" may have thought straight off the bat as punishment for interrupting 'their' monologuing.
It was a fact that if you do something bad to someone, a bad thing will happen to you in return; karma basically.
It was also confirmed that this "Critical" creature was male, given to how deep & masculine its voice was.
But enough about villains, karma, genders, monologuing, & other stupid shit like that, it's time to get back on track here.
Nightmare Moon was not amused.
She was not amused.
She was absolutely not amused.
She was not finding this amusing.
She wasn't finding any of this amusing whatsoever.
She was actually rather, unamused.
No, that's taking it too lightly.
She was just unamused, that's all.
She was just unamused is all.
Just unamused.
Just very unamused.
Very, very unamused.
Very, very, very unamused.
So unamused that the psychopathic alicorn wanted to strangle him alive & make him suffer. But she wouldn't. She would spare this complete waste of existence if he only begged & groveled at her hooves. If he didn't, then she was going to make him beg for death when she's through with him. Yes, that's what she would do. Clearing her throat, she decided to address this "Critical"; absolutely sure that it would learn its place once it knew who she was.
"We asked you a question, did we not? State your business," Nightmare Moon addressed the odd-looking creature.
Cr1TiKaL in question looked at her with a face that showed it was trying to come up with the perfect words to say so as to not look like a fool in front of a large audience. He then looked at her with a very neutral expression on his face, & I mean a very neutral expression. Like so neutral, that if you told him that the end of the world was about to happen; while it was occurring with everyone shooting babies & cats from their Fat Man's, while a Cromulon wanted the Earth to "show it what it's got", the only response you'd get from him is a blink from his eyes. But anyways, he finished his thinking by taking a deep breath, ready to unleash the most well-perfected sentence in all of time, ready to be engraved in history so that future generations can learn of such a memorable event that took place on that one spot.
"What the fuck are you?" Cr1TiKaL asked, the casualness making up the entirety of its voice was just impossible to believe.
Everyone who wasn't a dark alicorn & a few individuals who didn't understand on what was going on gasped in shock at the creatures statement, for they were genuinely surprised that this "Critical" didn't show any fear to the villain standing before them, unlike them who were definitely afraid of her. However, none were more shocked than a certain purple unicorn who still couldn't believe that the dark alicorn had returned from her banishme- you know what I'm already tired of using "certain purple unicorn" because at this point it's going to get old real quickly, so let's just call her by her name; Twilight.
Twilight was absolutely gobsmacked by the attitude this creature was giving to Nightmare Moon. Didn't he (she already knew it was a he judging by the tone of its voice) know he was slowly angering someone who most likely rivaled her mentors magic prowess?
'Does this creature have a death wish?!' She screamed internally.
Nightmare Moon, however, was becoming even less amused by this "Criticals'" antics; the look on his face said otherwise. The way he was looking at her with those black dots for pupils was making her reconsider her earlier opinion on this odd organism. Seriously, those eyes of his didn't contain any form of mischief, but instead, filled with seriousness; so much that he was dead serious of his earlier question. In order to see if her hypothesis was true or not, she decided to ask for its purpose again, but with added aggression this time.
"Do not make us ask again, what is your business?!" She half yelled at him.
He continued to look straight at her slitted eyes; she could have sworn that she saw his eyes harden in the span of a nanosecond.
"Welp, since you asked but with some unnecessary hostility, I'll tell you. I have no fucking idea as to where the hell I am. Basically, I'm lost & have no idea to what in the literal titty fuck is going on right here. Now that I have answered your question, why don't you stop bursting everyone's eardrums like a banshee who sold herself to prostitution, & give me some directions so that I can go on my way back to my house?" Cr1TiKaL finished answering the "loud bitch's" question as he called it, because it was definitely louder than his dog whenever they barked; like that one time they barked because they knew that one of the unique weapons in Skyrim were a piece of shit.
Or was it the crazy singing dancing frog? He couldn't remember which was louder.
"YOU DARE TELL US WHAT TO DO?!" Nightmare Moon's temper had flared violently, simply because this biped had demanded her that she give him directions; being ordered what to do was one of the many things that grinded her gears, & in a bad way. "LISTEN HERE "CRITICAL", IF YOU EVER ORDER US AGAIN THEN WE WILL-"
"Shut the hell up you stinking wanking wiener whore, that's not how you say my name," Cr1TiKaL interrupted her, not the least bit fazed that she technically yelled in his face.
A majority of everyone's breath hitched in their throats, including Twilight's. They simply couldn't find it within themselves to let out a single vocal sound emit from their mouths after this "Critical" talked back to Nightmare Moon with no hesitation & we're now fearing the worst to transpire; those that still didn't know on what was going on were also wary. Their instincts warning them that something bad was indeed about to occur.
Cr1TiKaL on the other hand was just annoyed, not just the yelling but the stupidity from the outburst this "mutant" bitch spouted from her mouth. First off, she demanded to know why he was here in the first place, he told her why then asked for some directions. Then this bitch, bitch, bitch just yells at him for no apparent reason at all. He gave her his reason, then asked a question, & got yelled at in return. However the most mind boggling thing ever was that this stupid retarded organism exclaims that he shouldn't order her around; why demand the reason for his presence if all she's going to do is bitch like a fucking brat with a superiority complex?
Also he was still a bit ticked off when she said his name wrong.
Nightmare Moon however, was becoming absolutely furious when this "lower-life-form" interrupted her in the middle of a sentence. She was really tempted to destroy him until he was nothing but a pile of ash, but she still needed answers from this creature; resisting such a temptation to kill this thing on the spot was like withdrawing from an addictive drug.
That, & her curiosity had been piqued ever since this "Critical" made himself known, if that's even how you say his name according to the shadow-faced man.
"Then how do you pronounce it?" She asked through gritted teeth, her curiosity of him slowly wavering from the urge to kill him.
"It's pronounced Cr1TiKaL, not "Critical" as you say it," he said, using his index & middle finger from both hands to emphasize on the adjective, to which she thought was his name; no doubt the other colorful small horses surrounding him also thought that as well. Who would name their child after an adjective? That's pretty much abusing the privelage to be stupid.
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That's it?
That's why he interrupted her?
Just to reveal a name that sounded the same as the other?
It was so absurd that it was impossible to mentally digest.
They both sound the same but he insists that they call him by the name that sounds like the adjective, but at the same time its not?
It was this conclusion that made Nightmare Moon grind her teeth in unmatched fury. She had been interrupted not once, but twice by this damned thing who wasn't scared of her; he was most likely testing her patience with his words that were most likely put together. Her vertical pupils became more slitted by the second, contrasting to her ever building anger.
"Not to mention how disgustingly deformed your whole body structure is, I mean look at you," Cr1TiKal criticized, voice still neutral at its best while using his right arm to gesture towards her appearance.
One observant Twilight Sparkle was now full on gaping like a fish that had been fucked by a sick fuck & had been left on land, slowly suffocating by the lack of water. He had just basically insulted Nightmare Moon's looks, the alicorn who she had feared when the violet unicorn first learned about her. She was now bracing herself for the worst, the other ponies were also preparing for the upcoming storm that was Nightmare Moon's absolute rage; they weren't oblivious to what was about to occur.
In the words of Suzanne Fields:
"Insult is powerful. Insult begets both rage & humor & often at the same time"
This is the quote that came to Cr1TiKaL's mind when he pointed out that one fact that needed to be pointed out. Reason why is that the quote made a lot of sense; he unknowingly insulted the alicorn, which provoked her rage & made the situation humorous. Not to mention both happened simultaneously.
The same couldn't be said for the small horses, for they looked like they did something they weren't supposed to do, pissing themselves in the process; not all of them though seeing as they had weary looks on their faces instead of fright. There was a cyan-coated pegasus with a mane & tail that would've been mistaken for gay pride by any other human being back on Earth. Hell, even he thought that as well, but he couldn't be too sure. A few others were mimicking the pegasus as well.
Did he forget to mention there was literal steam emanating from the bitch he was talking to not long ago? She was, & judging from her whole posture & facial expression she looked really angry & livid right now. Her face was contorted into a scowling mess, her nostrils were fuming additional steam since the wispy gas her whole body was producing wasn't enough. Her pitch-black coat now having gained a shade of the darkest red there is; both mane & tail were flailing violently like they were caught in the middle of either a tornado or a hurricane.
Probably the latter.
"YOU DARE INSULT US YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE PEON?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU'RE TRIFLING WITH?!" She bellowed with a fury so cold it made the Ice Age look puny in comparison. Any other sentient organism would've coward & drop the brave facade.
Unfortunately, Cr1TiKaL wasn't one to cower before anybody. Not even to some bitch who's throwing a massive fit which would make toddlers look passive & calm in comparison.
"Yeah, I do dare to "insult" you, but that's not the point. The real point is your whole anatomy," he said, ready to point out the faults that were her physical appearance & traits.
Most would stop their continued verbal assault at this point, but those who pressed on with their words were known to many as the brave; few thought they were suicidaly foolish. To the ponies' point of view, they all thought he was the latter term. To Cr1TiKaL, he was already aware that he was stepping in shit that wasn't meant to be treaded on by any other carbon-based life form. He knew the risks yet he still kept on going; like Martin Luther King Jr. Why you ask? Well, it's simple:
He has absolutely zero fucks to give.
He never gave a fuck about fame.
He never gave a fuck about money.
He never gave a fuck when Slender Man followed him.
He never gave a fuck when the professor caught him cheating on the test.
He never gave a fuck about Animal Soccer.
He never gave a fuck when SCP-173 was hunting down his ass.
He never gave a fuck whenever he shits his pants.
He never gave a fuck when he fought a Deathclaw with his own fists on the highest difficulty.
He never gave a fuck about Big Rigs Over the Road Racing.
He never gave a fuck about that weird fucker from the Goonies in Amnesia.
He never gave a fuck about all the absurdities that occurred in his non-existent animated adventure.
Most of all, he never gave a fuck when his dream to end corruption was impossible.
In conclusion, Cr1TiKaL has given no fucks whatsoever to everything that was stupid, ridiculous, deemed impossible, or downright atrocious. Which is why he was going to deliver the finishing verbal blow to this bitch's ego.
"Let's start off with your physical appearance, those wings of yours are appendages that are most likely not meant to be there because last time I checked, horses didn't have wings attached to both sides of their torso. Next off your mane & tail. Just what in the name of Santa Clauses shit-filled sleigh did you do to them that they look like some kind of gas; did you go on a hairspray overdose so much that they became the gas-like substance themselves? Huh, you stupid mutant fuck? Last of all, that thing sticking out of you head needs to be addressed. I don't understand as to why you have an erect penis growing out of your head; that's not right at all. You're a fucking abomination to Mother Nature; I'm genuinely surprised that you haven't been hunted down & exterminated because that's what you deserve right now. In conclusion, you're a mutation that deserves to be purged from this world & if I had to rate between you, Big Foots diarrhea, & the Abominable Snowman's power piss, I'd go with the Abominable Snowman's power piss because that's the only option I'm much more comfortable with than being near you. You stupid quadrupeded mutant fuck."
The verbal smack down he laid on Nightmare Moon was absolutely surreal. Never had the ponies witnessed a more brutal truth coming from an unknown figure whose species is still a mystery to them. One would say that this lone figure was brave enough to speak out on a tyrant whose superiority complex knew no bounds. Every single pony inside the town hall thought he was suicidal enough to seal his fate to an alicorn who was no doubt as strong as their Sun princess.
'& ah thought ah was the honest one,' one orange pony with a stetson thought.
'Yeah, I bet she couldn't handle the truth,' Cr1TiKaL thought.
'IS HE OUT OF HIS MIND?!' Twilight screamed internally.
'My, such vulgar language,' a prissy unicorn thought.
'That dude's done for,' the ~~gay pride~~ prismatic pegasus thought in slight sympathy.
'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!' a very pink pony laughed on the inside due to the way Cr1TiKaL talked.
'Oh no, I hope he gets spared,' a shy, butter-yellow pegasus thought
'...That's it, this thing must die,' Nightmare Moon thought calmly. However, beneath that is a typhoon of murderous fury.Her horn glowed, the aura surrounded it matched her color palette. A second later, the same aura surrounded Cr1TiKaL's neck. He noticed it right away.
"What is this glowing shit around my ne-" he never got to finish that sentence because the next thing he knew, he was being tossed everywhere like a rag doll. The aura had a firm grip on his neck, using him as bludgeon to strike at any inanimate object inside the building they were in; it was obvious that this was meant to inflict major pain to the commentator. To an outside point of view, it looked like a red & green blur was flying out of control & crashed into anything in its path.
"Shit! Fuck! Titties! Nipples! Asshole! Bitch! Dammit! Dick! Bullshit! Stupid horse fuck! Lick my rectum! Serenade my candy asshole! Eat a buffaloes diarrhea dump! Devour a roadkill skunks asshole! Jizz on my nipples! Blow my wiener!"
Despite being thrown around like an abused action-figure, Cr1TiKaL continued to shout out profanities; soon they became insults. Many ponies had to dodge out of the way, unless they wanted to become victims to the random flight trajectory the man was going at. Eventually, he stopped in midair, meaning Nightmare Moon ceased tossing him around with her magic. Suddenly, he was yanked towards the moon-themed alicorn until their faces were about 4-inches apart, & she looked pissed. Cr1TiKaL could have used another interjection to better describe what he assumed the horse-mutant felt right now, but he simply didn't feel up to the task.
You know? Because he didn't give a fuck right now & what was about to happen to him?
"Any last words, creature?"
"Yeah, I do; is it time for sex? Even though I'm not a fan of the animal pornography industry & that your an abomination that never should have been made, I'm pretty sure we can make this work. Now then, come to daddy Cr1TiKaL."
He then closed his eyes, puckered his lips, & proceeded to make kissing sounds. At first, Nightmare Moon had a blank look on her face which had no emotion. But then, a terrifying scowl replaced the previous look which was much more preferable than the current one.
"RRRRAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!"
With an anger fueled yell & a firm, magical grip on his neck, she tossed him to the floor with so much force that the point of impact resulted in a small crater with a bunch of cracks following. All of the ponies except Nightmare Moon winced because of how much that really hurt. Speaking of Nightmare Moon, she didn't stop there as her horn was soon glowing with a light that was growing in intensity. When it reached the brightest it could achieve, she unleashed it in a destructive torrent of lightning that was heading straight towards Cr1TiKaL. He was still embedded in the crater so he couldn't get out in time. By the time he realized what was approaching him, it was too late as the arcs of high-voltage, magic powered lightning had already struck him. Making him spasm in a way that would've been downright hilarious if the situation wasn't so serious. Not to mention his skeleton would occasionally appear in random intervals like from the cartoons.
The light produced from the lightning was absolutely blinding, so every single pony had to cover their abnormally huge eyes with their forelegs. The sound of lightning striking its intended target was deafening as well. They felt as though their eardrums were going to burst any second now. When the stream of continuous lightning finally ceased, everyone was met with a sight that brought the feeling of sadness welling up in the pits of their stomachs.
A pile of smoking ash was what all that remained of Cr1TiKaL.
For everyone who wasn't a villain, they felt sad. Sad that someone had become victim to what will soon be their doom. For Nightmare Moon, she felt happy that the nuisance was finally gone; he was becoming unbearable the more he talked. She then had the powerful urge to laugh a villainous laugh. So she did.
"He he he he he he he ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
It was a laugh she honestly enjoyed at heart.
"Let this serve as a reminder to all who defy me!"
"Guards! Seize her!"
An earth-pony with a light-brown coat, a greying mane & tail commanded three pegasi clad in gold armor to apprehend the evil being before them. Nightmare Moon used lightning to strike at them. She then turned into the dreaded choking gas known as hairspray & flew off through the door. One prismatic pegasus gave chase to the mass of gas that resembled the night sky.
"Come back here!"
She panted slightly as the flying mass of ~~hairspray~~ ethereal stars flew off into the distance.
"Nighttime... forever?"
She then looked down to notice Twilight running at full haste, no doubt in a hurry. But in a hurry for what?
Meanwhile, a majority of the townsfolk who were still in the town hall were either panicking like hell, or still mourning over the death of a creature who didn't deserve to die. Even if his choice of vocabulary was rather, unique to say the least. A ray of moonlight shone down on the pile of ash. Making the scene much more sad than it already was. However, none of them were prepared for something that wasn't even possible.
"Wow, what's shoved up her asshole? She really needs to go see an anger therapist so as to keep that temper of hers in control."
Next thing they knew, an arm popped out from the pile of ash which proceeded to pull the rest of itself out. His torso was soon out. Last but not least, his legs were out; he successfully crawled out from the now seemingly big pile of ash. When he stood up, he was covered head-to-toe in the dark-gray dust which everyone thought he turned into after being fried by lightning. He noticed it as well, so he gave himself a single pat on his abdomen. Causing all of the ash particles sticking to him to fall to the floor, making a ring form around him.
Every single pony then expressed their confusion to the whole act just now; One Piece style.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"
Oh yes, this was an event worth remembering.
