Chapters If Sunset Had Been There #1
“Holy new personas!” Spike cried. “You guys are the Power Ponies!”
“The what now?” Applejack demanded as everypony examined their new outfits.
“You’ve become the heroes from my comic,” explained Spike. “Applejack, you’ve become Mistress Mare-velous; you can control your lasso with just the power of your mind. Twilight, you’re the Masked Matter-Horn; you have the ability to shoot all kinds of crazy power beams out of your horn. Rainbow Dash, you’re Zapp, and you have the power to control the weather. Rarity, you’re Radiance; you can use your gems to create any object you want out of pure light. Pinkie Pie, you Fili-second, the fastest mare alive. And Fluttershy, you’re Saddle Rager; when you lose your temper, you transform into a super-strong, unstoppable monster.”
“Oh my, that doesn’t sound very polite,” Fluttershy whimpered.
“So who am I?” asked Sunset Shimmer. She wore golden, samurai-esque armor and a helmet with a spike shaped like a flame aligned with her horn.
“Oh my Faust! Sunset, you’re the Flaming Sa-mare-i!” cried Spike, now approaching complete geek-out meltdown. “You’re not actually a member of the Power Ponies, more like special back-up member who's always there when they need you, but otherwise you just go around doing your own thing. You have the power to channel all of the heat and fire of the sun itself through your horn!”
“So basically I’m Celestia now,” mused Sunset. “Cool.”
“So how do we get out of here?” demanded Rainbow Dash.
As if on cue, the side of a building blew out, and a mare with a ridiculously long emerald-green mane that she used like tentacles emerged from the hole.
“Time for the mane event!” she jeered before cackling madly.
“That’s the Mane-iac, the Power Ponies’ arch-nemesis!” cried Spike. “Guys, I think you have to defeat her in order to return home!”
The Power Ponies did their best-which turned out to be a complete joke. Applejack’s attempt to use her lasso the traditional way somehow ended up getting her tied up against a streetlamp. Pinkie Pie ended up on the other side of the city just from dodging a mailbox the Mane-iac threw at her. Twilight’s attempt at a freeze ray only produced a few snowflakes. Rainbow Dash tried to summon lightning but instead created a tornado that sucked everyone up and then spat them out. Rarity failed to produce anything other than a tea-set, and it was clear that Fluttershy couldn’t even use her powers.
All the while, the Mane-iac watched while laughing that Faust-awful laugh of hers.
“Well, you girls certainly mane -aged to put on a show! Mwahahahaha! That was truly a hair -raising performance! Mwahahahaha! Clearly, you’re in need of new mane -agement! Mwahahahaha! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go carry out my mane -iacal plan to rule Mare-tropolis! Mwahaha-”
FWOOOOSH!
Mane-iac’s rant was cut off by a torrent of white-hot flames. When they cleared, all that remained was a charred pony skeleton, its mane completely obliterated.
Shocked, Spike just stared at Mane-iac’s remains before turning to face Sunset. “You just…but you’re not supposed to…it doesn’t work like…” he stammered.
“I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t take one more Faust-damned mane pun!” Sunset growled.
Author's Note
Seriously though, fuck Mane-iac and her mane puns.
“So then you just divide x by y , multiply the result by z , add j , multiply and divide by ibm , and then do it all in reverse. It couldn’t be simpler.” Twilight adjusted her glasses proudly.
Applejack’s eyes spun around in her head. “Um, could ya run that by us one more time jus’ a little slower?”
Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes in frustration. She then shrieked and pointed up at something. Looking up, everyone saw Sonata Dusk clinging to the library’s ceiling. Letting go, she landed on her feet without making a sound.
“Aw shoot, you caught me,” she pouted.
“What the heck are you doing here siren ?!” Rainbow Dash demanded.
“I’m spying on you guys to help with Adagio’s plan for revenge-DUH!” Sonata sneered.
“Never mind that-how the heck did you sneak in here without us seeing you, and how the heck did you get on the ceiling?” asked Sunset.
“Oh, I was trained by shinobi in ancient Neighpon,” said Sonata brightly. “I’m a bona fied ninja!”
“Actually, I’m not sure if you can really call yourself that,” said Twilight. “The official practice is believed to have died out at the end of the…”
“Don’t deny my ninjahood!” Sonata shrieked. Grabbing Twilight’s arm, she expertly flipped her to land painfully on her back.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?!” cried Sunset. She tried to grab Sonata, only to have the same thing happen to her.
“Oh, it’s on…” Rainbow Dash started to say, only for Sonata to flip her as well. She then proceeded to flip the rest of the gang just for the heck of it.
“Ninja!” she cried, forming a hand seal and disappearing in a puff of smoke, leaving behind only a taco on the floor.
Another puff of smoke, and Sonata reappeared, picking up the taco.
“Almost forgot this,” she said. “That would have been embarrassing.” Yet another puff of smoke and she was gone again.
Sugarcoat Tries to be Nice #1
“Alright Sugarcoat, you can do this,” Sugarcoat said to herself. “It’s no different from what you usually do-just focus on her positive qualities.”
Taking a deep breath, Sugarcoat walked up to Fleur de Lis as she was eating her lunch. “Hello,” she said.
Fleur looked up at her. “Hello Sugarcoat.”
“Listen, I just wanted to tell you that you look really pretty,” said Sugarcoat.
Fleur blinked in surprise. “You-you really think so?” she asked shyly.
“It’s not that I think so, it’s an undeniable fact by society’s standards in this day and age,” said Sugarcoat. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hitting on you or anything, but you really are beautiful.”
Fleur smiled, her cheeks turning a rosy pink. “Why, thank you Sugarcoat.”
Sugarcoat smiled as well, pleased with how smoothly things were going. “Yeah, you won’t have to worry about any financial problems after you graduate.”
“What do you mean by that?” asked Fleur.
“Well, with your looks, you won’t have any trouble attracting a rich guy who would be happy to marry you and take care of you in-lieu of you getting a job,” Sugarcoat explained.
Fleur frowned. “Why would I want that?”
Sugarcoat shrugged. “Well, we all know how dismal your grades are in Math, English, Science, and just about every other ‘hard’ subject, which will limit your chances of getting a high-paying job after college.”
“Are you saying I’m stupid?!” Fleur demanded, getting up to glare at Sugarcoat in the face.
Sugarcoat took a step back. “What? No, of course not, I’m just saying that it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to successfully pursue a career that will allow you to maintain the standard of living you are currently used to, but you don’t have to worry about that because your billionaire husband will support you financially.”
“So your saying that the only way I can succeed in life is as a gold digger?!” Fleur shrieked.
Sugarcoat tugged at the hem of her shirt; she was starting to sweat bullets. “Huh, now that I think about it, that is kind of what I’m saying. Look, can’t we just focus on the positive?”
Fleur just threw her milk into Sugarcoat’s face and stormed away.
“Only now does it occur to me that I should have suggested that she pursue a career as a model,” Sugarcoat mumbled as she wiped off her glasses.
"Did somebody say, confetti cannons?" asked River Styx playfully.
Tapping her staff against the deck of her boat, she summoned several fish-like cannons that shot streams of confetti into the air.
"NO!"
A pink pony with a curly puffy pink mane jumped out of the "water" onto the deck and marched angrily up to River.
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" asked River.
"Never mind that," said the pink pony, getting into River's face. "Those things you're using? They're called party cannons, not confetti cannons-party cannons! If you're going to use my merchandise, then get the name right!"
With that, the pony jumped back into the ghost water and disappeared.
"What the heck was that?" asked River.
Author's Note
Yeah, I like Monster High . Got a problem with that?
"I certainly hope you're proud of yourself Fluttershy," Twilight Sparkle growled. "Not only have we failed a mission from the Cutie Map for the first time ever , but now Equestria has to commit valuable military resources to liberating an entire country. And do you know why that is?"
"Because I was convinced that the bushwoolies were too cute to be evil," said Fluttershy sorrowfully.
All around the table, everyone shook their heads in disgust.
"You know you have to be punished for this," said Twilight.
"I deserve whatever you give me," said Fluttershy.
"Fluttershy, I sentence you to one-hundred hours of mandatory browsing of the Fluffybooru website," commanded Twilight.
Fluttershy perked up. "Oh, that website about the adorable, little super fluffy version of ponies? That doesn't sound so bad."
One day later...
"My mind and soul have been violated!" Fluttershy wailed, turning away from the computer screen. "I will never be clean again. But...I must see more!" She began to furiously click her mouse.
Author's Note
Yeah, I spent the better part of a year addicted to Fluffybooru. If it weren't for guys like MarcusMaximus or Swindle, I'd have probably turned into a serial killer.
Rainbow Dash Becomes an Alicorn
Princess Twilight Sparkle sat on her castle's balcony, staring dulling at the horizon. She sighed heavily. She had been in a bad mood since yesterday.
"Twilight?"
She turned around to see Princess Celestia standing behind her. She didn't bother to ask why she had let herself in; her old mentor was always welcome in her home.
"Hello Princess Celestia," Twilight said, before turning back around and sighing again.
Celestia walked up to stand beside her and draped a wing across her shoulders. "Is something wrong?" she asked.
"I had to take 'Project Make All Of My Friends Immortal Like Me So That I Don't Have To Spend Eternity Without Them' back to the drawing board," Twilight admitted glumly. "My idea for a new alicorn spell just didn't work out the way that I hoped it would."
"I see," said Celestia gently. "I did try to warn you that you wouldn't be able to improve upon the spell I used on you and Cadance."
"Oh, I created a better spell," Twilight shot back. "I can now turn any pony I wish into an alicorn, regardless of their destiny."
Celestia gasped. "Are you serious?" she asked breathlessly. "Twilight, that's amazing!"
Twilight's shoulders slumped. "Yeah, but I ran into a problem with the issue of compatibility."
"What do you mean?"
Yesturday...
"Bow before me and tremble, puny mortals!" Rainbow Dash shouted with delight high up in the air. Her eyes and horn glowed with unfathomable power. Dark storm clouds brewed overhead and great winds tore violently at the trees and houses. On the ground, ponies were running and screaming in panic. "I have come to you as a paragon of awesomeness to make all things twenty-thousand percent cooler, and all who dare deny me shall suffer my wrath! For today marks the beginning of the Age of Rainbows! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
"Okay," Twilight whimpered, watching the scene from down below. "Maybe giving god-like power and immortality to an aggressive pony with a sever inferiority-superiority complex wasn't such a good idea."
"You think?!" Spike cried from the bush he was hiding in.
"Oh my," Celestia whispered.
"Don't worry, I managed to change her back into a mortal, and I've already destroyed all of my notes," Twilight assured her. "As for Rainbow Dash, well..."
"I was going to make the Wonderbolts my chief-of-staff," Rainbow Dash whined pathetically, rubbing her now hornless head with the hoof that wasn't holding a plastic trash. She wore an orange jumpsuit.
"Keep picking up garbage!" a pony in a police uniform snapped. "You still have nine hundred and ninety-nine hours of community service to go!"
Author's Note
Strictly speaking, alicorns like Twilight and Cadance do not become immortal upon ascension in my headcanon, nor does Celestia turn them into alicorns so much as she helps with what is a natural process that is already occurring (see The Unwilling Sunrise for the full details). But this has been sitting in my mind ever reading a certain comic whose title I cannot remember ages ago, and now that I've remembered it after all this time, I just had to put it in words.
“Come on Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash said angrily. “The proof is right in front of you. You're just too stubborn to see it!”
“The proof is in the pudding Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie Pie shot back, pressing her face right up against Rainbow Dash’s. “You’re problem is that you only have icky rutabaga-flavored pudding, so everyone spits it out!”
“What the heck are you two fighting about?” asked Flash Sentry, walking up to the two girls. “You’ve been at each other’s throats all day.”
“Sorry Flash, it’s just that Rainbow Dash refuses to admit that Misty is the perfect girlfriend for Ash,” said Pinkie Pie. “She was with him since the start of his journey and stuck with him through thick and thin.”
“Oh please, she only tagged along to make him pay her back for a bike,” Rainbow Dash shot back, “and then she ditched him to take over the family business just because her lazy sisters didn’t want to bother. Not only is Dawn a better trainer, she has goals and dreams of her own, which puts her on the same level as Ash.”
“You two are arguing over Pokémon shipping?” Flash asked incredulously. “This has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, because everyone knows that Ash’s one true soulmate is Latias. She gave him his first kiss after all.”
“Wait a minute, isn’t she a Pokémon?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“So what?” Flash retorted. “She can take human form, so it’s okay.”
“Yeah, but she’s still a Pokémon on the inside,” said Rainbow Dash. “Only a sick weirdo would think that shapeshifting made it okay…”
Pinkie Pie slapped her hand over Rainbow Dash’s mouth, but it was too late. The air around Flash seemed to crackle with electricity as he glared at the girls.
“Is that so?” he whispered. “So anyone who's okay with dating a girl who just happens to have another non-human form is a sick weirdo, hm?”
“Oh, look at the time,” said Pinkie Pie quickly, checking her bare wrist. “I have to check on the cupcakes I left in the oven this morning."
She dashed away, leaving behind a pink Pinkie Pie shaped cloud that swiftly dissipated.
“Yeah, I gotta, you know, sports and stuff.” Rainbow Dash rambled, activating her geode. Unfortunately, Flash was somehow faster, grabbing the back of her shirt and lifting her up so her feet dangled several inches off the ground.
“On no, stay,” said Flash with a menacing smile. “I would love to hear more of your thoughts on the matter.”
Rainbow Dash simply whimpered.
Author's Note
Don't mind me, just posting something irrelevant in order to overcome my writer's block and crippling fear of failure.
This was inspired by this comic. I thought that the subject of the punchline would be something Flash would have very strong opinions about for obvious reasons.
The Horro-I mean, the WONDERS of Birth
“You’re doing great honey cakes,” said Carrot Cake, holding his wife’s hoof in his own.
“Carrot Cake, I swear to Faust I am cutting off your dick when this is over!” shrieked Cupcake as she tried to squeeze the parasite she had been carrying for the past eleven months out through her soon to be mangled uterus.
“That’s right dear, just let it out,” said Carrot Cake, chuckling nervously.
“Yeah Cupcake, threatening to mutilate other ponies always helps me when I’m in excruciating pain,” said Pinkie Pie.
“Pinkie Pie?! What are you doing here?!” demanded Cupcake.
“Duh! I wanted to witness the miracle of birth!” said Pinkie Pie as she took a peak underneath the sheet that was covering Cupcake’s crotch.
Seconds later, Pinkie Pie was violently retching into a toilet, Fluttershy holding her now-flat mane back to prevent any ick from getting on it.
“It’s not a miracle!” Pinkie Pie cried as she came up for air. “It’s a horrific orgy of muscles and bodily fluids with a tiny pony’s he-“
Cheeks bulging, Pinkie Pie bent down to continue vomiting.
Author's Note
I've been wanting to write a scene like this for years!
Don't Even Think About It!
Princess Twilight Sparkle’s heart swelled with pride as she looked at Starlight Glimmer, former cult-leader and now graduating as her first true student in the magic of friendship.
“Words cannot express how proud of you I am, Starlight,” she told her. “Not only have you mastered all of my lessons on the magic of friendship, but you did it in a quarter of the time it took me.”
Starlight blushed. “Well, I had an amazing teacher. Are you sure I’m ready to graduate from being your student?”
“Trust me Starlight, if brooking peace between Equestria and Centauria; fixing the Harmonic Equilibrium; and solving the Chaos Theorem wasn’t proof enough, the way you banished the Jabbermouth was,” said Twilight. “And now, you are finally ready.”
“Ready for what?” asked Starlight.
Twilight began to sing in a soft, melodious tone. “You’ve come a long ways; and I’ve watched you…”
“NO!”
Popping up out of nowhere as usual, Pinkie Pie gave Twilight a glare that could bore a hole though concrete.
“No way, no how, ain’t gonna happen, forget about it, do not pass, do not collect five hundred bits, just no!” she ranted.
“Pinkie Pie, what do you think you’re doing?” Twilight demanded.
“I’ll tell you what I’m not doing,” Pinkie Pie shot back. “I’m not going to let you turn Starlight into an alicorn and make her a princess!”
“You were going to make me a princess?” Starlight asked Twilight.
Twilight growled in frustration. “Now look at what you did; you spoiled the surprise!”
“No I didn’t because there isn’t going to be a surprise, because you are not going to make Starlight a princess!” Pinkie Pie snapped.
“But she mastered the magic of friendship!” cried Twilight. “And besides, think of the merchandising!”
“Equestria has more than enough princesses,” said Pinkie Pie. “We’ve got you, Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and now Flurry Heart as well, and we all know Sunset Shimmer is going to become one sooner or later. We don’t need any more. Besides, if you make Starlight a princess, the show will go belly up within a month!”
“I’m going to have to side with Pinkie on this one,” said Starlight.
Twilight’s jaw dropped. “You don’t want to be a princess? But think of the authority and privileges you could have!”
Starlight shrugged her shoulders. “Meh, call it my lingering equalist ideals, but the whole princess thing doesn’t really impress me. Besides, it’s not like I need wings for anything; self-levitation spell and all that. Sorry Twilight, but I’m going to have to pass.”
Twilight huffed and crossed her hooves in a manner that would have been considered pouting if it was done by somepony else.
“And that is the story of how Pinkie Pie saved the universe!” said Cheerilee to her class.
Diamond Tiara stared dumbfounded at her teacher before turning to Scootaloo who was in a similar state. “It is just me, or is life in this town getting more random by the day?” she asked.
Author's Note
This was supposed to be a one-shot, but Fimfiction doesn't accept stories that are shorter than a thousand words, so I'm making it a series of one-shots. Also, as I said when I first posted this on my blog, if they make Starlight Glimmer a princess, I am going to lose it.
“Rainbooms! Let our elements combine! Loyalty!
“Laughter!”
"Kindness!”
"Generosity!”
“Honesty!”
"Magic!"
“By your elements combined, I am Daydream Shimmer!”
“And that is how we’ll defeat all of our enemies from now one!” Rainbow Dash declared proudly.
Sunset Shimmer just stared at her incredulously before burying her face in her palm.
“No, Rainbow Dash, for the love of Faust, just no.”
“Trenderhoof, this is Flash Sentry,” said the human Twilight Sparkle. “Flash Sentry, this is Trenderhoof.”
“I remember you,” said Trenderhoof. “You’re the guy who baked a loaf of bread when you were supposed to bake a cake. How did that happen?”
“If you don’t mind, I’d really rather not talk about it,” said Flash, casting a sidelong look at Twilight.
“And this is his sister, True Action,” Twilight continued, pointing to a younger girl with yellow skin and black hair.
“Oh my, you are stunning !" declared Trenderhoof.
“Um, thank you,” said True, right before Trenderhoof pressed his lips against hers. With a muffled cry of indignation, she pushed him away and began to sputter and vigorously wipe her mouth.
“What the hell?!” she cried.
“Looks like I just stole your first kiss,” Trenderhoof laughed gaily. “So would you like to go out for dinner sometime?”
Wordlessly, Flash grabbed Trenderhoof by the back of his neck, dragged him over to a wall, and began to repeatedly smash him into it face first.
“Ow! What the-WHAM-Let me-WHAM-Stop it!-WHAM-The police will-Okay, okay, I’m sor-WHAM-Knock it-WHAM-Oh come on, it was just-WHAM-Please-WHAM-Stop-WHAM-I’m sor-WHAM-I can’t-WHAM-I’m begging”-WHAM.
When Trenderhoof’s pleas finally ceased, Flash let him go. He slid down the wall, his face leaving behind a trail of blood.
“That stupid jerk with the awesome hair,” Trenderhoof muttered, his face heavily bandaged. “Now I have to get another nose job.”
“Aw, poor guy,” Sour Sweet cooed. “You deserved it, you damn rapist!”
Author's Note
Persona EG made me fall in love with a Flash Sentry who has a violent side-he's still one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet, but mess with those he cares about and he'll tear off your face like a rabid badger.
Btw, Colored Reel's appearance is based on Pauly, intellectual property of PaulySentry-used with permission.
“Hey Ditzy, since it’s the Cutie Mark Crusaders job to help other ponies figure out what their Cutie Marks mean now, would you like us to help you figure out what your Cutie Mark means?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Now what makes you think that I don’t know what my Cutie Mark Means?” Ditzy Doo asked in return.
“Well, you work as a mailmare, and you love muffins, yet your Cutie Mark is a bunch of bubbles,” explained Scootaloo. “Haven’t you ever wondered what those things have to do with each other?”
Ditzy smiled. “Actually, neither of those things have anything to do with my special talent. I love muffins because they’re delicious, and I work as a mailmare because, well, my special talent doesn’t provide me with a lot of job options that I’m willing to take.”
“So then what is your special talent?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Destruction,” Ditzy said simply. “I can utterly obliterate anything with just a touch.”
“Really?” asked the CMC in astonishment.
“You saw what I did to the town hall,” said Ditzy. “The bubbles that make up my Cutie Mark represent how fragile literally everything around me is. The worst part about my special talent is that I don’t have a lot of control over it. After my daughter Dinky was born, I spent months learning how to suppress it just so I could safely tuck her in at night.”
“How did you manage to keep from using it on your husband while you were making your daughter?” asked Sweetie Belle, who was apparently old enough to know how that was done.
“I didn’t.”
“Oh.”
Author's Note
Don't tell me none of you have thought of this.
Closet? What Closet?
“Mom, Dad, I’m home.”
“Hi son, how was school today?”
“It was alright. By the way, I think I might be gay.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah, I was watching Six Pack while we warming up for gym class, and I felt kind of…excited , if you know what I mean.”
“Huh. Well, are you going to ask him out? He is pretty hot.”
“I don’t think so Mom; he’s not really my type. Besides, honestly, I feel kind of awkward about it. Is that weird?”
“Not at all; all the experts say that there is usually an ‘adjustment period’ when a pony realizes that they’re homosexual. If you like, I can help you find some books on the subject.”
“Thanks Dad.”
“So have you thought about what you’re going to do when you decide to have kids?”
“Um, that’s a long ways off from now Mom.”
“Because adoption and surrogates are all well and good, but temporary sex-change spells are perfectly safe if you want something a bit more traditional.”
“Mom!”
“It would be nice to have a daughter, even if just for a little while.”
“Argh!”
Author's Note
In a land where gay marriage has been legal for centuries and nopony can actually recall a time when such relationships were even remotely taboo, this is how a kid would probably come out about his or her sexuality.