‘Finally! Oh sweet sunlight, how I've missed you!’ I thought as I flew past the treeline. I closed my eyes and sighed as I felt the sun’s warmth wash over me. Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to savour the feeling of not being in that creepy ass forest, I still had that pesky bleeding leg problem to deal with. I opened my eyes and looked around. There wasn't much to look at, it was just grass, grass and more gra- hello!

I squinted my eyes when I noticed something in the distance. Raising an eyebrow, I flew a lighter higher to get a better look. It looked like a small town.

‘Well it's about time!’ I thought as I flew flew over the meadow. I continued to fly until I came across a sign near the the edge of the town. I raised an eyebrow descending and landing in front of it.

Welcome to Ponyville.
Home to the elements of harmony.

‘Ponyville? Elements of harmony? Holy crap I AM in hell!’ I thought as I stared at the town in the distance and began weighing my options. On one hand, I have no idea what kind of…whatevers live there and could very well be shot on site for all I know. On the other hand, I'm bleed, lost and really need the to use the bathroom. Almost dieing can do that to ya folks.

‘Fuck it, it's not like I've got anything better to do.’ I shrugged and made my towards the town with the dumbest name I've ever heard. I mean, what's the worst that could happen right?

“So...many...bright colours….gonna...oomph,” I muttered as I entered the town. After swallowing my lunch a second time, the first thing I noticed, besides the nauseating colour scheme, was that everything here was so....happy and peaceful. It was like the whole place this...calming aura to it.

‘I swear, if the sun here has a smiley face on it, I'm gonna shoot myself.’

As I made my way through this messed up town, I couldn't help but notice that I everywhere I looked, there was another one of those horse people staring at me. Some of them whispered amongst themselves as I flew past while others stared at me with fear and curiosity. Some even steered clear of me all together. But you know what else I noticed?

Every single one of these guys were taller than me.

Seriously, they were like freaking towers. My head only reached their chests and I'm 6,5 ft tall!

‘Great, now I’m lost, injured AND short,’ I thought.

As much as I was ‘loving’ the warm Ponyville welcome, I still needed to get this leg fixed. It was becoming a bit of bother. So, with that in mind, I made my way over to a….mare? Is that right? It sounds right. Alright, so I made my over to a mare standing in front of what I'm guessing is a flower shop, judging by all the, well, flowers. She had a two-toned raspberry mane and tail and pale yellow fur. She wore a green short-sleeved shirt and denim shorts. Her back was facing me so I couldn't tell what her face looked like. She seemed to be the only one not staring at me but that might be because she was too busy tending to her roses. Oh well, I'll take what I can get.

“Excuse me ma’am,’ She eeped and turned to face me. Hoping that she'd stop staring at me with wide eyes like I'm a freaking nevermore, I gave her the friendliest smile I could muster up which, in retrospect, was a horrible idea. In a land of, what I would assume are herbivorous horse people, showing off that you have fangs is the last thing you want to do.

“Could you please point me to the nearest hos-”

In retrospect, I probably should've seen what happened next coming a while a way. Oh well, at least my ears healed...eventually.

“MONSTER!!” She screamed. What happened next could only be described as a sort of domino effect. Her scream caused someone else to scream which was followed by, yep, you guessed it, another scream. This process repeated itself for a while until, eventually, the whole town was in a panic, running around and screaming, leaving me confused and trying to cover my ears. Bat ears really can be a bitch sometimes.

“Wait I - if you would just - I'm just looking for - “ I tried to calm them down but it was pointless. Before I knew it, they had all disappeared, either hiding in there homes or in the stores, leaving the streets vacant.

“I just wanted some directions!” I yelled. The only response I received was my own voice echoing through the empty town. I scoffed and made my down the streets, muttering to myself as I did so.

“Fine then, I'll just find it myse -”

I was cut off when my ear suddenly twitched, alerting me to the sound of...flapping? Rapid flapping actually. Rapid flapping heading straight for me! I yelped and quickly submerged into my shadow. I heard a tomboyish yell followed by a crash and a pained groan. When I reemerged from my shadow, I saw a light blue winged horse girl with a rainbow mane and tail lying in front of a, now ruined, fruit stand. She wore a dark blue hoodie, denim shorts and a pair of white sneakers. I cringed and flew over to her. She seemed kinda out of it. Part of me wanted to be nice and help her out.

That part of me was small.

“Baby, sweetheart, boo boo cakes, don't you know that you can't sneak up on someone with ears this bi -” I was cut off when I was hit with a strange blue beam, sending me crashing into a wall.

I groaned as I got up, barely ignoring the pain in my leg. I turned to address my attacker. She had milky white fur and a purple mane and tail. She wore a white V-neck that showed off a great amount of cleavage, purple skinny jeans and black high heels. Oh, and did I forget to mention the still glowing horn on her head? I had to admit, she was hot. Not that it mattered to me though, I was never good with women.

“Stay away from her you ruffian!” She said.

‘Ruffian? What the hell?’

I was about to ask her what that means when she aimed her horn at me again and fired a blue beam. I screeched and rolled to the side, a move that did not sit well with my injury. I grit my teeth and I played through the pain, jumping and rolling out of the way as the bitch threw various items at me. Where the hell did she even get an anvil?

‘Alright, enough of this,’ I thought as I submerged into my shadow, just narrowly avoiding getting hit by another blank of wood. I reemerged in front of her, causing her to gasp in surprise. I guess she expected me to appear behind her.

‘As if I'd ever be that cliché,’ I thought before jabbing her in the stomach. As she bent over in pain, I performed a quick leg sweep and sent her to the floor. I couldn't rest yet though, as I was suddenly kicked in the side, sending me into another wall. I looked up and saw an orange mare, this one much taller than the other two, in a Stetson hat, a checkered blouse and tight denim shorts running towards me. I quickly brought out Ebony and Crimson and unfolded my wings. When she reached me, she brought her leg around for roundhouse kick, a roundhouse kick that I avoided by taking to the air.

“Get back here ya filthy varmit!” She yelled.

‘Varmit? Ruffian? Why can't they just call me a bastard or an ass like a normal person?’ I thought as I aimed Ebony at her and fired, only for her to dodge it by jumping to the side. Ugh, I hate when people do that. I was about fire again when something suddenly socked me in the face. It wasn't very strong but it was enough to me spinning through the air. When I eventually stopped, it took everything in me not to loose my lunch. I shook it off and noticed that the blue mare was back and geez did she look pissed.

‘Great, Skittles is back for round 2.’

She charged at me. Reacting on instinct, I aimed Ebony and Crimson and fired….only for her to dodge with ease. I blinked in confusion before firing again…and again….and again. She just kept dodging dammit!

‘Holy crap this bitch is fast!’ I thought.

She charged at me again, trying to jab me in the face. Not wanting to ruin my money maker, just barely avoiding the attack, and whacked in the back of the head with Crimson, causing her to stumble forward… I think. Is it stumbling if you're in the air? Maybe if she stops trying hit me so hard that my mom will feel it, I'll ask her.

Okay, so shooting her won't work. (Awww…) But maybe I can try something else. As our hero, aka moi, stared his opponent down as she tried to get her bearings straight, he bravely, boldly, intensely muttered -

"Fuck this, I'm outta here! Every faunus for themselves!”

I then retreated….heroically.

“Hey, get back here!” She yelled as she gave chase. Yay….

I flew pretty close to the ground, hoping the lack of would discourage her. I didn't. If anything, it made her more determined to catch me. I cursed and turned, firing at her again. She dodged the first three bullets but the second managed to nick her wing, causing her to yell in pain.

‘Wait, THAT hurt? I guess her wings must be sensitive or something,’ I thought as I unleashed a barrage of lead at her. She flew rather clumsily now but she still somehow managed to dodge most of my bullets and the ones that did hit her only nick her a little. I cursed and stopped firing, preferring to save my bullets for the other two, and made a sharp right turn. She cried to follow me but due to her now super clumsy flying, her drifting skills totally SUCKED! I couldn't help but cringe when she crashed into an apple cart and got hurried under the mountain of apples. While part of me wanted to check if she was okay, again, that part was small (fuck morality), but it did give me an idea.

‘Sure hope this works,’ I thought as I took the nearest turn, out of the rainbow nightmare’s sights and landed in front of one of the many brightly colored homes. All i had to do now was wait and let me tell ya, it was the shortest wait of my life. Not too seconds later she rounded the corner and geez did she look pissed!

“Where is that creep?! When I guy my hands on him I'm gonna -” She muttered darkly. There was actually more to that sentence but for the sake you readers I left it out. Aren't I nice?

I brought my fingers to my mouth and whistled. She turned to me and sent me a look that nearly made me make a mess in my pants (and not in a fun way). Good thing looks can't kill….I hope.

“YOU!!” She yelled.

I blew a raspberry and I swear I saw her eyes go red. She let out a battle cry and charged towards me, not even bothering to hide the killing intent in her eyes. I just stood there and waved, waiting for the right moment to strike….wow that sounded cool.
When she was just a few inches from me, I quickly sunk into my shadow. She yelped and tried to stop herself but it was way too late for that. She crashed into the wall head first, knocking herself unconscious while leaving a very impressive dent in the wall. As soon as I reemerged, I cringed.

‘Huh, fast wings, slow brain. A bad combination.’

My left ear twitched, alerting me to the sound of heavy stomping. I blinked in confusion and turned to my left, only to screech and dunk, just barely avoiding an orange foot to the face. Huh, I guess being short does have its advantages.

I didn't give her a chance to try her luck a again. I sunk into my shadow and slithered away with my tail between my legs, literally!

“Get back here varmit!” She yelled.

‘What does that even mean?!’ I thought as I rounded the corner. She didn't hesitate to give chase but as soon as she rounded the corner, she was greeted with a kiss from Ebony’s barrel, sending her stumbling backwards. I sunk into my shadow again and reappeared behind her and swept her from behind.

‘All brawn, NO brain. An even worse combination.’

I didn't waste a second as I placed my good foot on her chest and pointed Crimson between her eyes. The look she gave me could only be described as one of pure fear. Whether it was fear for her life or fear for her friends, I'm not sure. Either way, it was enough to make me hesitate for second as I asked myself, did I really want to kill her?

‘She certainly wasn't hesitating when she kicked me into that wall!’

But would killing her really help?

‘It's either her or you. Like Weiss always said; showing hesitation in battle will only get you killed!’

But she isn't a Grimm. Could I really just end her life?

‘Dude, you're still hurting from her last kick! Just imagine what a kick like that could do to your jewels! It's a worthy precaution!’

Excellent point! Save crotch first, feel guilty later!

I was about to pull the trigger when a loud bang reached my ears. The strange part was that it didn't come from my gun.

‘What was tha -’

My train of thought was cut off when something hit me so hard that it sent me flying into one of the stands, which hurt like a bitch by the way. I groaned as I opened my eyes only to have vision filled with….confetti?

‘Huh?’

I lifted my hand and examined the substance as it fell into my hand. Sure enough, it was confetti.

‘What kind of messed up world did I land in?!’

I was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of giggling. It sounded waaay to happy and bubbly to even be considered sane. I turned to the sound and saw a pink mare with even an pinker mane and tail. She wore a light blue shirt with a smiley face on it and a short pink skirt. Oh, and did I mention she was pouring confetti into a cannon?

Next to her was another mare. This one also had a pink mane and tail but it was light than the other one. Her fur was a soft creamish yellow and she had a pair of wings on her back though to be honest, I was paying more attention to the giant hooters she was sporting.

‘Mama mia those are some-a good-a boobies!’

She wore a green sweater, which nothing to hide her...well endowment, and a knee length pink skirt along a pair of pink sandals. She didn't strike me as the fighting type considering that she blushed and tried to hide behind her own mane when she noticed me staring which, in turn, caused me to blush as well.

“Fire party cannon!”

“Huh? YIKES!!” I yelped before sinking into my shadow just seconds before the confetti could hit me….wow that sounded weird.

‘Just where are all these mares coming from?!’ I thought as I reemerged and aimed Ebony and Crimson at the pink one, only to have Crimson knocked out of my hand by a purple beam. I looked to my left and saw a purple lavender mare. She wore a purple blouse, a dark blue skirt that ended at her mid thigh and white kneesocks. Basically, she looked like your typical anime school girl.

‘What?! MORE of these assholes?! What is this, Pony Force Go?!’

I aimed Ebony at her and was about to pull the trigger when a blue beam knocked the weapon out of my hand. I turned to the attacker and saw the white mare was back and more ready to kick my ass than ever.

‘I'm starting to think I have a rotten luck with women.’

I unfolded my wings and took to the air, only to be harshly brought back down to earth. I looked down and noticed that a lasso around my uninjured leg. Following the rope, I found that it's owner was none other than the orange hillbilly herself. Typical.

‘I knew I should've blown her head off when I had the chance,’ I thought as I tried to get up, only to be tackled down again. I looked up and saw that Skittles was had not only recovered but but was also sport a very fashionable bump on her head. I gulp as she pulled back a fist, only one thought going through my head.

‘I wonder if I left the stove on back ho - '

I groaned as I opened my eyes. I expected to be in a world of pain but surprisingly, I felt perfectly fine. I sat and looked around and was surprised to see….nothing.

“Great, I'm back here again,” I muttered.

“You did great kid!” A voice laughed. You didn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out who it was. There was a poof of smoke and, surprise surprise, there floated Discord, looking quite pleased with himself if I might add.

“A wonderful performance! I give it three stars!” He cheered before snapping his fingers. Three gold stars suddenly appeared above my head. I gave him an ‘I hate you’ glare before they fell on my head.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, rubbing the lumps that were forming on my head. “It was a total disaster!”

“Exactly!” He snapped his fingers again and I suddenly found myself on a surprisingly comfy couch. He appeared next to me and pulled out a remote and pointed it at a tv that appeared out of nowhere. The screen played static for a second before playing everything that happened to me the moment I woke up, from being attack by those weird wolves to me getting my ass kick by those colourful mares.

“Just look at chaos you've caused in such a short time! Oh I knew I made the right choice with you!” He pulled a handkerchief. “I'm so proud.”

My eye twitched as I listened to the idiot pull his nose which, by the way, sounded like a bull horn. ‘I really hate this guy.’

“Well I'm glad you enjoyed the show. It'll probably be my last,” I said as I got off the couch.

“What?!” Yelled Discord, appearing in front of me and grabbing my shoulders. “What do you mean ‘last’?!”

“How many bullets do you think I have?” I deadpanned. “Without those, there's only so much I can do.”

He blinked me for a second before placing his claw on his chin. You ever see I dimwit try really hard to think? Well that's what he looked like right now but dumber. Then again, I'm the one insulting a god so what do I know?”

“Oh, I know!” He said, snapping his fingers. Ebony and Crimson suddenly appeared in his hands, causing my eyes to widen. No one holds my guns but me!

“Hey, give those back!” I charged at him, only to run into an invisible wall.

‘Right, god. Forgot about that.’

“Oh relax, I'm just helping you out,” He said as he held my babies. I watched with worry as a blue-purple aura surrounded them. I wanted to walk over to him and punch him in the face so I could get my guns back but the invisible wall blocked my path.

“I swear if you break them I'm gonna-”

“Done!” He cheered, tossing them to me. I caught them with ease...okay that's a lie. I nearly dropped them but I didn't and that's counts so shut up. I stared down at the guns which were covered in that strange aura. Something about them felt...different.

“What did you do?” I asked, glaring at the mismatched....whatever he is.

“Oh just a little enchantment to get rid of that pesky ammunition problem. Now you'll never have to worry about running out of ammo again!”

‘What is this nitwit talking about now? I swear this guy makes less sense than - WAIT A MINUTE!!’

My eyes widened as realization finally dawned on me. I looked at my guns, which had now lost their strange aura, then back at Discord. I repeated this process for a bit before finally asking the million lien question.

“Y-You mean t-than I...I...I…”

“Have unlimited ammo? Why yes indeed my little faunas. Now you spread mischief and merriment throughout blah blah! Blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah? Blah blah!”

I stopped listening after ‘unlimited ammo’ and just stared at my guns. Part of me wanted to ask how the hell he was able to enchant my weapons in this void but the other more trigger happy part was too busy trying to process the fact that I could shoot as many rounds as I want!

‘Maybe now I'll stand a chance against those mares,’ I thought before looking back at the still babbling Discord.

“And that's I'll never go anywhere near Celestia’s cake vault ever again,” He finished, not that I was listening.

“Who?” I asked.

“Oh look at the time!” A large grandfather clock suddenly appeared between us. The minute and hour hands both pointed at the words ‘wake up’. “I think it's about time you head back to the waking world! We'll keep in touch. Toodles!”

“Wait! Not agi - “ I was cut off by a blinding light before everything went dark again.

Author's Note

I've read a lot of RWBY stories and from what I've seen, many of the faunus seem to have the same...endowment as the animal they represent. I don't know if I should do that though. So I ask you this, should I give Myotis a bat penis or a human penis?