The Stick of Truth: Equestria

Douche-Bag wasn't sure how long he'd been running. All he knew was that when he stopped, he was far away from that clubhouse and the group of Cutie-Mark-Crusaders...who seemed more interested in losing their virginity with each other. Douche-Bag shook himself. It was the same thing all over again. People or ponies, it didn't matter. They were all interested in sex. Sex, sex, sex! It was bad enough around South-Park with people doing everything from a striptease to fucking a fully grown male horse in a gimp-mask. It never ended. Douche-Bag thought he'd left all the strangeness behind him at last, an odd feeling considering he now had the body of a turquoise pony, but still...was it to much to ask for a break from perversion? Douche-Bag stopped to catch his breath, leaning against a tree. The fillies reminded the silent Unicorn of the resident pervert of South-Park, the aptly named: Mister Slave. Douche-Bag still felt his body crawl with revulsion at the memory of Mister Slave....and his asshole. Douche-Bag was sure you could know a guy well enough, without the added horror of being forced to go up same mans asshole and taking spelunking through the perverts body to try and stop a nuclear device. It was such horrendous mission, Douche-Bag had thought, he'd never get the smell of shit out of his hair and skin.

It was at that point that Douche-Bag actually decided to look up to check where he was. It would've been a bad idea to get lost in an Orchard, with little to no idea about how to get back to Ponyville. He was standing by a long, dirt track road, the bright sun bleaching the rocks of the path, turning them a crisp, golden color. They crunched under Douche-Bags hooves as he stepped onto the path and looked around. He must've run farther than he'd thought. The silent Stallion could only just make out the tips of Ponyvilles town hall in the distance. It would take the silent Unicorn about an hour to walk back. Then again...Douche-Bag supposed it couldn't hurt to take the long way back. It might give his new friends some time to calm down. The silent Stallion was certainly not in the mood to be caught in another conflict on who was going to go out with him. It was either take a long walk and get a break from those two mares or try and retrace his steps back to the clubhouse... And a long walk might give him some time to think. Douche-Bag made his decision. With the warm sun streaming down onto him, the silent Stallion began the long trot back to Ponyville. As he walked, Douche-Bag thought back the violet Unicorn he had met on his first day in Ponyville. Had she wanted him to stay with her? Was that the reason for her hostility when Rarity suggested her home for Douche-Bag? It wouldn't be a bad thing to stay with Twilight, he supposed. She was fairly intelligent Unicorn after all....

"Was that really necessary Twilight?" Demanded Rarity, trying to smooth out the creases and sticking hairs in her mane. Rainbow-Dash and Pinkie-Pie both shared a similar sounding grumble. Both were sporting marks of Twilight's punishments, with several patches of their fur coats sticking out, their manes messed up and sticking about in crazy styles. Rainbow-Dash's mane had been magically fluffed until it looked like a rainbow Afro instead of her usual lightning jagged cut. Pinkie-Pie's mane stuck out in needle like points, making the Party-Pony look like a pink porcupine. Only Pinkie was smiling at her friends antics, waving at the various ponies who strode past their little group, some giggling at the ridiculous looks Pinkie, Rarity and Rainbow were now sporting. Twilight trotted beside them, smirking confidently. "I mean, we were only joking darling!" Rarity complained, trying hard to bounce her mane back into its usual styled curl. Instead, the length of purple hair simply flopped like a wet sheet of paper over the Alabaster Unicorn's eyes. Twilight's magic had been used to full effect on her friends, their punishments for tormenting her about her feelings for Douche-Bag. "This is just a crime against my mane Darling!" The Alabaster Unicorn whined. Twilight snorted as she trotted beside her fussy friend.

"Well you shouldn't have teased me like that Rarity." Twilight snapped. "You know I don't like being teased about things like that." She looked past Rarity at the other two. "And that goes for you two as well. Douche-Bag may not talk but that doesn't mean he doesn't have any feelings. You might've made him feel uncomfortable." Rainbow opened her mouth to argue but Twilight carried on with her rant, cutting the Pegasus's attempts at protesting short. "So from now on, no more of this talk around him okay? It's not something I feel comfortable talking about around him." Her friends all gave grumbles. "That's all well and good then." Twilight said briskly, quickening her step. The four mares had been walking through the town for the past hour, though their travels were now taking the group of four out of the town, following a familiar, dirt-track road. "So," Twilight began, in a ringing tone. "I think one of the next things we should do is make our way towards Douche-Bag's accommodations." With a poof of her purple magic, Twilight summoned a small roll of parchment. Unfurling the scroll, she poofed a quill and ticked off one of the several boxes inscribed upon it. "Get a checklist..check!" Rainbow-Dash groaned. Twilight was known for this. "Next...check out Douche-Bag's living arrangements..." She stopped. "Now that I think about it, the Princess seemed way to quick to provide him with living arrangements..." The violet Unicorn stopped. "It was like she knew he was going to come....I wonder if that's..."

"Is that house Douche-Bags?" Pinkie squealed in delight. Twilight stopped her thought trail to follow Pinkie's hoof. "It looks awesome." Pinkie-Pie squealed in delight. Twilight had to admit it. Pinkie was right. It was a normal looking cottage, with a thatched roof made of yellow straw. The whole cottage was built of cream wood, each window painted with what appeared to be vines and flowers. "Eee! Let's take a look inside." Pinkie giggled, bouncing over to the door. The cottage was built with a wide, front porch. After a few rattles of the door, Pinkie nudged her way into the house. "Shouldn't that have been locked?" The Pink party Pony chuckled as she pushed the door fully open. Twilight frowned. She had learned long ago that Pinkie-Pie had a strange ability that allowed her to ignore the laws of physics but... The inside of the cottage was just as quaint as the outside. The front door led into a large kitchen area, complete with stove and kettle. The lounge was large and spacious with a cavernous log fire at one end. "SWAAAAAAANKY!" Pinkie-pie squealed, zooming up the stairs to check out the bedrooms. "Even more Swanky!" The Party-Pony's voice sounded down the stairs. Whilst Rainbow-Dash followed Pinkie and Rarity complained at how common the curtains and carpets were, Twilight looked around. Something was...missing. The violet Unicorn was pretty sure Celestia would've left a message or even a guard to let her know if the place was ready for Douche-Bag. Suddenly, the Unicorn noticed it. A key was sitting on a small table, just behind the door. Beneath it was a folded up letter. She picked it up, flipped it open with her magic and began to read

"Dearest Twilight. I hope that you and your friends have assisted Douche-Bag in settling in to his new home. Both I and my sister wish the you are helping him settle into a routine. I was hoping that you would be so kind as to pass on a message to him. The so-called Stick of Truth has turned out to be nothing more than a simple piece of Jewelry from one of our earlier settlements. One of our Archaeological researchers has had it confirmed. I am not exactly sure why Douche-Bag was so interested in this relic but I am afraid it is not anything special. I will be contacting Douche-Bag myself in a few days to see how he has settled in. Your Faithful Mentor and Princess, Celestia."

Twilight frowned in confusion as she lowered the letter. The Stick of Truth...just a piece of jewelry? Then why the Princess made such a fuss about it? Twilight settled herself on a convenient seat, ironically colored the exact same shade of violet as her fur. The Kitchen had come equipped with a large table, complete with several brightly colored chairs. Something was wrong. The violet Unicorn could see it. Her eyes rolled over the neatly written words, becoming narrower and narrower as they followed each line of the letter. Twilight's friends may have called it being an egghead but the violet Unicorn was used to reading between the lines of texts, finding contextual information and hidden meanings. When she was younger, Twilight had once fantasized about becoming a famous code breaker or lecturer due to her skills at pulling key points of information from seemingly useless bits of texts. It was this skill that was aiding her now. She could that the Princess wasn't telling her the whole truth. If the relic had been a piece of ancient jewelry, the researchers would've stuck it in the Museum of ancient Equestria and nothing would've come out of it. Why then, was Celestia taking an interest in it? If it was such a basic relic, then why was it on display in the Princess's council chambers? Twilight's eyes focused on the part about Douche-Bag. The Princess was known for being friendly to any normal pony she met during her trips to villages but...Twilight put down the letter, sighing heavily. Celestia wasn't telling her something. In the past, she had never known her mentor to keep secrets from her...well not anything that important....What was going on with her? And this...obsession over Douche-Bag when clearly he was better off with Twilight...

The violet Unicorn stopped. Where had that thought come from? That wasn't like Twilight. She knew that she liked Douche-Bag but she never thought that she would stoop so low as to obsess over him...But that was stupid! Twilight shook herself. Maybe it was just due to that Twilight had virtually no dating experience. She had always been more interested in books than love and all the things that Rainbow-Dash would call "mushy stuff." But then again...there was no harm in giving it a go. And Douche-Bag was a nice choice for her. He wouldn't get in the way and did not prattle on like a lot of Ponies did when she was trying to work. Maybe he was the perfect match for her after all. Douche-Bag was certainly a good looking pony...

The walk back to Ponyville took a little longer than Douche-Bag expected. The Sun was beating down upon him, making his robe seem heavier, trapping the heat inside its folds. Sweat was pouring down his body, soaking his fur. His mane was slicked down tight against his body, the hair wet with his bodily fluids. Douche-Bag supposed he hadn't noticed how well his clothing could trap heat in South Park. The Mountain towns cold temperature had always necessitated the need for a warm cloak to cover him. Here, it was no longer an advantage. It was just a hindrance. At least his headband kept the worst of his fluids from his eyes. The Stallion stopped. Despite his eager pace, he'd only made it about halfway down the path. Ponyville seemed no closer and the silent Stallion was already out of breath. The Stallion did consider taking off the robe but then again. Douche-Bag let loose an inaudible sigh and continued his slow walk towards the town. Now that he was much closer to the little town, Douche-Bag could see Ponies, all varied kinds and colors, making their way through and around the town. The silent Stallion wished he had his cellphone and access to his online accounts. There would be no way to track how many friends he made during his stay in the town, nor would there be any way to check what sort of skills and abilities he had in case he ran into any...

"Hello there New Pony." Said a female voice. Douche-Bag stopped and turned round. Another Unicorn was standing behind him. A pair of saddle bags were slung over the mares back, partially obscuring her mint green fur and Cutie Mark in the shape of a harp. A pair of bright yellow eyes were staring back at Douche-Bag from under a short, clipped mane of whitish-green. The mare had a light-hearted, cheerful voice, rather like she was about to burst into laughter...or a loud screaming fit. She was smiling widely, staring at Douche-Bag as though she couldn't believe her eyes. "Names Lyra. Lyra-Heartstrings." the Mare giggled, sticking out a hoof. Douche-Bag stared at her. The mint green mare's smile did not falter but , after a few minutes, she did withdraw her hoof. "You don't talk much huh?" Lyra giggled. "You must be the new Pony that Pinkie-Pie mentioned." Her eyes raked over Douche-Bag. "Here." she smiled, handing over a small scrap of paper. "This is my home address. If you'd like to come over one day." She grinned wider. Douche-Bag took the scrap of paper, eyed the name of the address and slipped it into one of the pouches attached to his robes belt. Well...it wasn't a cell-phone address but it was a start. Lyra smirked. "Why don't I escort you back to your house. Pinkie-Pie said there was gonna be a welcome to Ponyville party for you. Come on!" She smiled at Douche-Bag. The Earth Pony and the Unicorn both resumed walking down the road.