The Stick of Truth: Equestria

Douche-Bag was still staring out of the window, watching the sun rise when there was a soft knock at the door. The Silent Stallion got off his chair which creaked slightly as its' load was finally released and stretched, wondering who would've bothered to come here and see if he was awake this early. The sun had only just taken its' place in the sky, bathing the room in warm, soft golden light. Douche-Bag blinked, feeling that familiar sting and a horrible sensation of tightness, like his eyelids wanted to close in on themselves and seal up forever. His eyes hurt, as they always did whenever he stayed up really late. Trying hard to blink away the tiredness, Douche-Bag stood shakily. His back hurt, the skin feeling like it had been rubbed raw under his turquoise fur. The Stallion had sat on the seat for the best part of three hours, unmoving as he watched the sun rise. He hadn't bothered to have a shower or done anything to try and straighten out his bed-hair. He probably looked a mess but he didn't care. Some of his friends had seen him butt naked before. Hell, the girl faction had stripped him and forced him into girls clothes without so much as a by or leave. Fair enough, that was the only way he could've gotten inside an abortion clinic...just so he could get attacked by a giant Nazi Zombie fetus...Douche-Bag supposed he was either good at adventuring or had the worst luck ever. One of those two.

"Good Morning Douche-Bag." The silent stallion stared. Princess Celestia was standing outside the door. Douche-Bag was momentarily surprised to see the Iridescent maned Alicorn standing outside his door. Celestia was looking her usual majestic self, her white fur well brushed and her eyes bright with something Douche-Bag could not place. It was like...a mixture of excitement and nervousness. She smiled toothily. "I trust you slept well?" Her eyes took in the dark bags under Douche-Bag's eyes and his fur sticking out in every direction, giving him the look of a tired, turquoise porcupine. Celestia gave a nervous chuckle. "Maybe not." The Alicorn suddenly changed tack. "I was wondering if you would join me for a spot of Breakfast?" Douche-Bag stared up at Celestia, saying nothing. The Alicorn tilted her head. "So..yes? No?" Douche-Bag stared at her. "Erm....okay then." Celestia said uncomfortably. "I shall give you a few minutes to spruce yourself up. I shall wait for you outside." Douche-Bag closed the door again and turned to walk into the bathroom. After hastily splashing clod water on himself, the silent Stallion jumped into the streaming jet of water that the shower provided. Standing under the streaming jet of water, steam rising up all around him, Douche-Bag felt the previous nights exhaustion leaving him. At least their showers worked properly in this world. That was a bonus.

PHRAAAP!

Douche-Bag lent his head against the marble wall as the fart escaped him. The Stallion briefly wondered why he was so good at farting. His bowls must have had something incredibly wrong with them for him to release gas like that. Though the Stallion wouldn't have been surprised if the aliens who'd once abducted him had done something else to his asshole, besides the giant alien dildo and probe that they'd attempted to shove up there. He was lucky he'd taken down those strange aliens when he had. Otherwise, who knows what would've happened to his backside. The water pouring over Douche-Bag trickled through his turquoise fur, giving Douche-Bag a vague feeling of Deja-Vu. The waters constant thick stream reminded him vaguely of the sewer he'd once journeyed through. After meeting a lump of living shit, a lump of living shit who'd been obsessed with Christmas, he'd found the entrance to the crab peoples home. Now he thought about, the silent Stallion thought he should've been more amazed about finding out his new home contained all these impossible and bizarre things, But as his father had once said, there was the possibility that there was something wrong with him. Mentally at least. There was definitely something wrong with him internally, given the outrageously demented farts that came out of him on a daily basis, not to mention the alien probe....

Douche-Bag stood under the water for about fifteen minutes before stepping out, drying off and slipping on his cyan robe and headband. He supposed Celestia was either going to take him to breakfast or to try to murder him in some demented way. After all he'd been through, the silent Stallion wouldn't have been surprised if that were to have happened. But no. Instead, the moment he opened the door, the Alicorn Princess simply smiled, motioned with her hoof, and walked with Douche-Bag down the corridor. Any attempts at conversation were slowly halted due to Douche-Bag's...lack of conversation. After several unsuccessful tries, the Princess of the sun lapsed into silence again and the pair continued on in relative silence, moving through several elegant looking corridors until they walked out into an open-air garden. It was tastefully made, with a four walls made out bushes trimmed expertly. Several statues, each mounted on plinths stood around a small circular table, laden with breakfast items. Douche-Bag noticed that one Plinth near the table, one larger than the rest, stood empty. Celestia settled herself in front of the table, motioning for the silent Stallion to do the same before pouring him a cup of steaming hot tea. Douche-Bag was just about to eat when a familiar shout from behind him made the Stallion turn.

"Good morning Douche-Bag." The Stallion turned his head. Twilight-Sparkle was standing in the doorway, smiling at both him at Celestia. The Unicorn made her way over, settling herself beside Douche-Bag. "Good Morning to you too Princess." The violet Unicorn grinned over at her mentor. Celestia, instead of smiling was glaring at the young Unicorn beside Douche-Bag, her eyes narrowed. She recovered quickly however, mumbling a welcome before sipping from her teacup. Twilight turned to Douche-Bag, smiling. "I hope you slept well?" asked the Unicorn. Celestia's eyes had narrowed so they were like slits. "I was wondering..." Twilight said nervously, tilting her head away from Douche-Bag, a soft blush on her cheeks. "Well...After we're done seeing the stick of truth...I was wondering if you'd like to return with Ponyville...with me...where we could....do something together?" Douche-Bag stopped. Was Twilight asking him on a date? He supposed if he was wrong and the Artifact wasn't able to bring him home then he would need some sort of long term plan. And, now he came to think about it, Twilight was kinda like him. A quiet type. Not one for large crowds. "P-Please..." Twilight stammered, evidently flustered by the Stallions silence. "W-Will you come with me?"

"Actually Twilight," Celestia snapped. Both Douche-Bag and Twilight turned their heads. The White furred Alicorn had placed her teacup down on the table so had that tea had slopped everywhere. The Princess was glaring at the pair of them, a malicious glint in her eye. "I cannot allow either of you to see the Artifact." She held up a hoof before the violet Unicorn could interrupt. "I understand you were eager to study this supposed "Stick of Truth" But my team of scientists want to study it further. This is not a matter you need concern yourself with." She turned away from her student to look at Douche-Bag. Her face changed into something rather akin to that of a doting mother. "Now Douche-Bag," The Princess said, her voice sickly sweet. "I understand that you want to see the relic...now I'm sure if WE spent more time together then we could arrange something." Douche-Bag blinked. Was Celestia...No...this wasn't possible. He tilted his head. Twilight was sitting there, a rather offended look on her face. Slowly, Douche-Bag sidled round the table to sit next to Twilight. The Princess stared at the pair of them. "Fine." she snorted, standing up abruptly. "I'll make arrangements for Douche-Bag to stay in his own home and to take some of the burden off of you!" She turned and strode off. But just as the Princess stalked out of the garden, Douche-Bag heard her snort. "He'll be mine you.." Douche-Bag turned to Twilight. The Unicorn smiled, still blushing.

"T-Thank you for agreeing to come back Douche-Bag." Twilight stammered, placing her hoof on his. Douche-Bag stared the Unicorn. Twilight looked down at the Breakfast Table. "I must confess, I was hoping that Celestia would let us stay together but...um.." Twilight's words trailed away. Douche-Bag, who had never been one to keep a conversation going, compensated for the awkward silence by munching on toast and muffins. After a few minutes of eating, Twilight meeping and blushing, the Unicorn slid a small square of what looked like paper in front him. It was a picture, depicting six ponies. He could see twilight, with her hoof around a pink earth pony with a poofy mane, a rainbow maned Pegasus floating in the air beside a yellow colored one with a long pink mane. Lying on the ground beside them was an Orange earth pony wearing a Stetson hat, beside an Alabaster Unicorn with long stylish eyelashes. "Those are my closest friends." Twilight said, smiling. "I'd like you to meet them when we get back to Ponyville." Douche-Bag was about to hand back the photo, when he noticed that a second photo seemed to be stuck to the underside of the friends picture. It depicted Twilight...hanging in the air....wit ropes looped around her..."Oh that's mine!" Twilight shrieked, snatching the photo away and poofing it away with her magic. She gave Douche-Bag a rather strained grin. "Shall...Shall we go for a walk?" She asked.

In the end, Douche-Bag made his way down into Canterlot city alone. Twilight seemed unable to look at him whenever they were together and soon after Celestia had stormed off, the violet furred Unicorn had hurried off. Celestia....Douche-Bag continued down the street, staring at the Swanky shops without really looking at them. Why had Celestia been acting the way she had? From what Twilight had told him, Celestia absolutely doted on the young Unicorn. But the moment Twilight had suggested that Douche-Bag return to Ponyville with her, the Alicorn had turned aggressive, treating Twilight like she was a stain of dirt on her hoof armor. It was as if Twilight had somehow insulted her by suggesting she spend time with the Stallion. Then it was as if Celestia didn't want to be anywhere near them. And why did she keep trying to separate him from Twilight. Even the offer to set him with living quarters didn't seem like a genuine offer. It felt more like she was trying to keep him away from Twilight. Douche-Bag couldn't understand it. Celestia couldn't be...Douche-Bag stopped in front of a rather fancy dress shop. It could've been his pride talking but Douche-Bag was pretty sure that Celestia was...attracted to him. He'd only ever seen people act like that when they were getting clingy about their partners. But Celestia couldn't have fallen for him...could she? And there was the way that Twilight had been acting around him...

Douche-Bag was so deep in thought, that he didn't notice the Alabaster Unicorn striding out of the shop, the two saddle bags on her back stuffed full of expensive materials. Suddenly, she and Douche-Bag were face to face. The Unicorn had a long purple mane, expertly styled into neat curls. Her Cutie Mark was a grouping of three diamonds. Big blue eyes stared into Douche-Bags. And as they continued to stare at each other, those eyes seemed to get bigger. The Unicorn blinked several times, her styled eyelashes bouncing gently as she did so. Then she took several steps back. And then the Unicorn let out a long, drawn out gasp of horror. She stumbled backwards onto the marble steps of the shop behind her, one of her manicured hooves pointing directly at him. Douche-Bag watched as the Unicorn started to hyperventilate. Then...

"WHAT ARE YOU WEARING!" The Unicorn screamed. She had high-pitched voice. It reminded Douche-Bag of nails on a chalkboard...maybe on glass to. "I mean really Darling!" The Unicorn howled, standing up and moving around him. "That style of robe was so outdated. It doesn't help that it's covered in DIRT!" The Unicorn's voice was starting to increase its pitch. Douche-Bags' ears flicked backwards at the painful noise. "While i do like the headband, you simply must come back to my Hotel and allow me to fix your dress problems." Before Douche-Bag could unleash the Dragonshout of the century, the Unicorn was beside him, pushing him hurriedly along the streets, pushing him harder and harder every time he tried, until they both arrived at an expensive looking hotel. Quickly, Douche-Bag was pushed up into the swanky room. His kidnapper smiled at him, tape measures, materials and fabrics floating around her. "My name is Rarity darling. You?" Douche-Bag stared at her. She smiled, giving a nod of encouragement. Douche-Bag stared at her. He wished now he'd stoked up on spicy food. This Rarity was begging for a Dragonshout to the face. "You know, it's very impolite to ignore a lady, darling." Rarity said, her smile fading slightly. "Now where did you say you were from? You look a little...ragged." That was it. Douche-Bag turned. This...mare was in for a the surprise of the Century.