The voices

As Celestia dismissed the nobles from their appointment to debate zoning for a new establishment in west Canterlot, she felt a chill race up her spine. Then, there was a sound similar to the one produced by teleportation, but this one seemed more violent, as if performed by brute force over great distance rather than finesse. The usual ‘pop’ of air displacement was replaced with a loud ‘BANG!’ that echoed across the vaulted ceiling of the throne room, and into those corridors adjacent to it.

Colt got to his feet, feeling groggy and very disoriented. He had just been smashed by a light, and he could remember the pain clearly; yet his body felt fine as if he had never been injured at all. A look around revealed that the room he was in was very large, and very regal. He was standing on a large red carpet covering a white marble floor, which covered a small flight of stairs leading to a pair of thrones. Just as he began to get his bearings, the soaring double-doors slammed open to reveal a tall white horse flanked by several smaller ponies all in various forms of golden attire, though the smaller ones brandished spears with gleaming steel heads.

The young man blinked and shook his head in disbelief. “Okay, it’s official, I’m either insane or those are rainbow colored horses in armor.” Colt said to himself.

One of the small ponies brandished a spear at Colt, a look of determination across its muzzle, demanding in a firm, masculine voice, “What are you!?”

“Who are you?” The larger one -Celestia, to be specific- asks calmly, her diplomatic mask of ease covering her wariness of the unknown intruder.

“And they talk. Whelp time to add a clown to this circus.” Colt said to himself as he went for his knives, juggling always took his mind off things, and right now he needed it, the talking horses were looking at him, it was weirding him out.

As he opened his jacket, a photo fluttered out of it onto the ground. In it, Colt could see two figures. Himself, and the Q cosplayer, Colt’s mask of Guy Fawkes having ‘To a big fan!’ written on it in very curvaceous letters. Colt stared at the picture, carefully picking it up as a realization hits him. “Shit! Wait, if this is a dream, why do I still have this? And I’m still wearing my mask, what is going on here…Wait something doesn’t seem right with that picture either.”

“Sorry to interrupt your thoughts, but, who are you?” Celestia repeated hesitantly.

He pulls six foam-rubber prop knives, each with a shiny, metallic-looking blade, the action giving him a moment to think of a line. “Just your friendly neighborhood Anon.” Colt makes sure none of the ‘blades’ are bent or damaged, checking each carefully.

“I... see. And how exactly did you get here?” Celestia silently motioned for the guards to lower their weapons. It didn’t seem threatening and said it was friendly…

“I don’t know! How did you get here? How did they get here? How did we all get here?”        His questions are rapid-fire, the pattern meant for keeping an audience distracted; an old magician’s or salesman’s trick.

Celestia sighs. She was not in the mood for riddles. She was stressed from hearing the sound of a dimensional tear in her own castle and seeing a strange masked creature, also... “And what exactly do you plan to do with those knives?”

“Why juggle of course!” he replies, grinning behind the face concealing mask putting actions to words.

“...Very well, and would you mind answering my question seriously?” Celestia requested. “I’m afraid I’ve never met an... anon before.”

“Remember, remember/ the fifth of November/ the gunpowder treason and plot/ I know of no reason/ that gunpowder treason/ should ever be forgot…” Colt replies, still thinking.

Celestia had to ponder whether this creature was sane, but could not quite diagnose him so soon. “Do you... need help?” She offered, speaking slowly and clearly.

Colt picks up speed with the juggling, the well-balanced toys perfect for juggling. “Why whatever for?” He doesn’t look away as he talks, watching the arcs with a confident eye.

“For...” Celestia was at a loss for words. She had never encountered anypony like this, it acted so strangely and was confusing her greatly, something that did not sit well with the calm, collected matriarch. She had to try a different approach, “Where do you live?”

“The internet, where else would anons live?”

“The... internet?” One guard said quietly, looking to his princess for some answer, but all Celestia could do is shake her head.

“It is the grounds where anons keep all things dear to their hearts.” Colt replied mischievously.

“Well, I can’t think of a way to get there...” Celestia mused. “For now you may have to live here, in Equestria.”

“Equestria...Is this the country of the talking horses?”

“Well, we call our race ‘ponies’ but, yes we are descended from horses.” Celestia informs. “If you are to integrate with our society, I suggest you speak to my student, Princess Twilight Sparkle. She will help you settle in while we think of some way to accommodate you appropriately.”

“Land of ponies… interesting. So who is this Twihard?”

“Her name is Twilight and she is the Princess of Frie-”

“I heard Twihard!” Colt interrupts cheekily.

“...And she is the Princess of Friendship.” Celestia powers on, monumental force of will keeping her from grinding her teeth together. “She will help you become acclimated to our country while you stay here.” Celestia replies as she turns and summons a piece of parchment and a bright, orange-red feathered quill. She wrote the letter informing Twilight about the creature and to prepare for what she could only describe as a masked, bipedal, hairless creature with potential mania. She ended the letter wishing her student luck and sent it. “You will be taken to the town of Ponyville by chariot as soon as we are able. In the meantime, I suggest you... try to think of how you got here.”

“Well, something said I had no further business in my world anymore, and then….I was here…Oh well!”

“Hmmm... Guards, prepare a chariot. Our guest is to be escorted to Princess Twilight’s castle in Ponyville as soon as we are able.” The guards nod and walk off to follow their orders. Celestia had decided to talk with her sister to see if the Princess of the Night had any knowledge of a creature called an Anon...

“Wait!” The guards and Princess halted at Colt’s outburst, startled out of their thoughts. “What time is it?”

Celestia paused at the unexpected question but quickly composed herself and replied. “It is exactly seven-twelve in our current time zone.”

“Okay, where’s the nearest sink?”

Celestia turned to a third guard. “While these two prepare the chariot, you will escort... him to the facilities. Celestia returned her attention to Colt. “I’m sorry, I never got your name.”

“Yes you did.”

“You are... anon? Is that your race, or your name?” Celestia questioned, now even more confused. It really made her feel rather uncomfortable.

“Yes! Now off to the sink!” He said as he caught his knives and put them back in their respective holsters within his trench coat.

Celestia sighs and nods. “ You will take Anon to do... whatever he needs a sink for, then take him to his awaiting chariot.” The guard nods and approaches Colt.

“Follow me, please.”

“Kay kay.” Colt said reaching into his trench coat as he dug for something in his pockets, before following the guard.

“Goddamnit all! Anons were not born to fly! And where is the guardrail and safety belt!? I’m going to file a complaint with management!” Colt shouted as he clung to the chariot for dear life.

The guards don’t reply as they continue flying, the little town of Ponyville was getting closer and closer. Only two miles away to be precise. Eventually they touched down and Colt got down on the ground and never wanted to see another fucking chariot ever again.

The guards, after patiently waiting for Colt to stop hugging the dirt and grass, led him to a giant crystal castle that seemed very out of place amongst all the thatched roof houses made primarily of wood. The grassy hills contrasted greatly with the incredible crystalline structure, very angled and straight compared to just about everything else about the town. Colt thought it was rather…

“Shiny….” Colt breathed, as he stared at the sparkling structure, light refracting off every surface to give the impression that the structure was giving off its own radiating aura of light, the purple and blueish hues of the castle causing the nearby ground to reflect its colors on the ground, making it slightly difficult to tell where the grass ended and the crystal foundation began. “I’ve got one question… Is there an elevator or an escalator to take us up there or what?”

“What’s an escalator?” Came a female voice, one laced with curiosity.

“Mechanical moving stairs for lazy anons.” Colt replied as the voice exited the castle, attatched to a small, straight-haired unicorn with a very well-kept mane and coat, though the large, bright pink stripe through her midnight-purple hair gave the image of a punk-rock teenager who had just been gussied up for prom by her clean-cut parents.

“Moving stairs... I’ve never heard of a machine that can do that...” the unicorn, Twilight Sparkle, mused as she fluttered her wings in thought. “An enchantment maybe, but a machine like that would require a lot of parts and probably some belts. One moment. Spike!”

“Coming Twilight!” came another voice, this one childish but masculine, and after a minute or so a small, bipedal reptile with scales of green and purple appeared in the doorway armed with a parchment and quill.

“Is that your secretary?”

Twilight opened her mouth to respond, as does the dragon, but neither of them make any sound, pausing to think the question over. Twilight’s reptilian friend, Spike, recovers first and shrugs unsurely. “Kinda? I guess?”

“Okay…That is all.” Colt replied simply.

“Oh, how rude of us.” Twilight said, realising a mistake she had made. “I haven’t introduced myself. I am Twilight Sparkle, and you must be Anon, correct?”

“We are all anon.”

“Who’s we?” Twilight asked. “Are there more of you?”

“All of us are anon, we are one, we are anon. Expect us.”

“Uh... okay?” Twilight responds, before smiling. “Well, why don’t you come inside. I’m sure you have lots of questions.”

“And I’m sure you are prepared for winter, for it is coming.”

“Actually last I checked it was still March...” Spike said, scratching his head. “But yeah, it’s warm enough inside. I guess.”

“Okay good, so long as there are no trolls in the dungeon.”

“There haven’t been any trolls for several hundred-thousand years.” Twilight informed. She walked over to a bookshelf and levitated a large, thick book over to Colt, “Here is the most recent edition of Equestrian laws, you will be expected to follow them while you are here. I’m sure that won’t be a pro-”

“Too long, didn’t read.” Colt said staring at the wall as he backed away from the book, avoiding it like the plague.

“Oh come on, it’s not that long. Would you rather I read it to you?” A thought runs through Twilight’s mind, a thought that frightened her. “You... can read, right?”

“I miss audible.com already.”

“You mean... you don’t know how to read?” Twilight gasped. “I feel so sorry for you. I’m going to need help with this though. I know! Spike, take a letter.”

“Yes ma’am!” Spike replies happily holding his writing materials at the ready, waiting to take Twilight’s dictation.

“I can read! Anons of every race can read, I just avoid doing so, I don’t have my glasses with me…”

“Are you sure? Reading is a wonderful experience, you shouldn’t be missing out. Come, there’s no optometrist in Ponyville that I know of but I’m sure we can get your eyes checked somewhere.” Twilight replies, honestly concerned. “I’d hate for you to be able to read but not be able to understand words on a page.”

“I can just take a picture of it and zoom in, problem solved.”

“But... huh? How? You can’t just... enlarge a picture and keep the same quality.” Twilight insists. “It’s logically impossible. Stretching the image makes it fuzzy or distorted, and that would cause eventual eye strain, nevermind the problem with not having glasses, that could cause lasting damage! We are taking you to an optometrist.” Twilight finishes matter-of-factly. She was going to help this creature with it’s reading issues and nopony was going to stop her. Reading was just too important.

“Nope.” Colt replied defiantly.

Twilight pondered the response. “Exactly how old are you based on standard adulthood for your species?”

“Anons never die.” Colt says matter of factly.

“That... doesn’t answer my question, but I suppose it does inform us of your longevity... How many years have you been alive?” Twilight insists. The Anon creature was acting very childish and she wondered if it was even old enough to have gotten a proper education. It only seemed to speak in riddles, as if repeating things it had heard before but doing little else. If that was the case... “Spike, I’m ready to dictate. *ahem* Dear Miss Cheerilee. I’m writing to you to suggest a prospective student to you. It is a creature that was recently discovered, and it seems to have trouble learning, it’s actual age is undecipherable at the moment but it’s childish mannerisms reflect that of a foal and I would be greatly appreciative if you would help in educating it. Whether you accept or not is up to you, but if you do I hope you will treat it like you would any student. If you do accept it as a student, please tell me when you would be able to fit him into your curriculum. The subjects it seems to need to study is basic reading, and soon after, Equestrian law. Thank you for your consideration, and I hope you can resolve this issue. Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.”

Spike nods and rolls up the scroll, having finished the letter. “I’ll take this to the schoolhouse now, seeya in a bit Twi!” Spike calls as he runs out the door.

Twilight nods. “I apologize for referring to you with a neutral gender but while there’s plenty of evidence to support you being masculine, I’m afraid I can’t get conclusive evidence from voice pattern alone. The mask certainly doesn’t help eit-”

“I pee standing up…”Colt said flatly.

“Uhm... good to know?” Twilight responds quizzically. She couldn’t think of a species that didn’t urinate while standing, gender not even coming into play. Perhaps she should have Cheerilee add biology to the special lesson plan. But she was not going to dump this new arrival on Cheerilee to deal with alone. No, Princess Celestia had specifically asked her to help the new arrival and that’s exactly what she was going to do. Composing herself once more, Twilight continued. “So... are you a boy or a girl?”

“Anons don’t have genders. We are all part of the same whole.” Colt replied monotonously.

“...Very well then. For the sake of our society having a higher female to male ratio, I will henceforth refer to you as female. Is that alright?” Twilight asked, taking note of what she’d learned of the mysterious anon species.

“I don’t have a vagina…” Colt somewhat clarified.

Twilight returns to her notes and crosses something out. “So... do you identify as male then, or androgynous?”

“I guess if you must differentiate between anons I do indeed have a penis.”

“And... that indicates males of your species, correct?” Twilight asked, blushing a bit. She was just trying to take notes, ‘Why couldn’t this creature make sensical responses?’ She thought. ‘Is it really so uneducated that it can’t form coherent answers?’ Twilight was getting a bit worried.

“Correct.” Colt said.

Finally a straight answer was given and Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. Taking her notes she settles into a chair and offers one to Colt. “Please, sit. You must relax, we need you to answer some more questions as best you can.

Before Colt can respond Spike runs back in. “Cheerilee said she’d like to meet Anon today but wouldn’t be able to start working with him until tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Spike.” Twilight says, nodding before turning back to Colt. “Now then, you will be enrolled in a class with several foals, pony children, of approximately your mental age. Let’s go over a few classroom basics, shall we?”

“Teacher!” Colt shouted as he raised his hand.

“No, no, we raise our hoof silently and wait to be called on before speaking. Second of all, shouting is rarely required in a classroom setting, so that is a second faux paux. Let’s try that again, okay?” Colt raised his hand silently this time. “Very good! Alright, Anon, you have a question?”

“Where do foals come from?” Colt asked.

“Foals are young ponies, they come from their parents, see, at the end of coitus a stallion impregnates a mare by fertilizing her eggs with his sperm. The foals then form from the fertilized egg during a gestation period, going through several stages of growth inside the mother’s womb until the foal is developed enough to be birthed at which point the foal spends several days with it’s eyes closed, and unable to walk but soon after the birthing process the foal’s structure becomes less malleable and develops hooves, allowing it to walk around.” Twilight finished, smiling.

“Have you ever gotten laid or do you put them to sleep with speeches?” Colt asked.

Twilight blinks and gives Colt a bored stare. “First of all, you need to raise your hoof again before asking a second question. Secondly, my virginity is not any concern of yours or anypony else’s but mine. Nor is it the reason I am boring you.”

“Does Spike go to school?” Colt asked.

Twilight turned to Spike, who climbed up onto his own chair. “Nah, I’m Twilight’s assistant first and foremost, I also get enough of an education simply from studying with her. I skipped a few grades to catch up to her but I’m only a few years behind her, so I’m considered a graduate level intellect.”

“Cool, I only have a 146 IQ.” Colt replied.

“Well, that’s... uh.” Spike turned to Twilight before whispering. “Is that good or bad?”

Twilight shrugs, unsure. “Depends on the species and testing criteria, among other variables. Either way, let’s get back to the subject. Classroom etiquette.”

“Does this society have indoor plumbing in things other than castles?” Colt asked honestly.

“Yes, though not throughout the entire country. There are still some places and small towns that use outhouses, but for it’s part, Ponyville has plumbing, though our farms are not set up for irrigation systems.”

“Okay, can I eat some beef jerky?”

Twilight pauses for a moment. “Beef... jerky?”

“Dried cow meat for snacking on the go, want to try some Spike?”

“We know what beef is, but we were... unaware of that preparation method. Usually meat that is let alone to sit for a long time spoils, especially in the hot sun and then anything other than a scavenger would find it inedible.” Twilight informed. “As for Spike eating it, go ahead, I’ve fed him small things that are supposed to be meat substitutes. Dragons need a diet of more than just gems after all.”

“So I get to try real meat for once?” Spike asked, rather intrigued. “Uh... thanks.”

“Okay one second,” Colt said as he reached into his coat as he went past the knives, his phone pockets and other things he kept in there he found the small bag of beef jerky he had purchased at the snack shop earlier. “It’s the cheap kind so don’t expect much, I have about thirty pounds of the good stuff at home marinating in soy sauce.” He said as he offered a piece to the little guy.

“Dried meat and soy sauce?” Twilight asked, confused. “That doesn’t even sound like a gryphon dish... what an interesting culinary background. I take it your race is omnivorous?”

Spike takes the slice of beef jerky and crams it into his mouth and his eyes go wide. “This is... amazing! It’s tough, really chewy, and... and salty, like rubber but edible, and tasty!”

Twilight looked at the bag Colt was holding. Perhaps, if only for the sake of science... “May I have some?”

“Have at it sister,” Colt replied happily as she took a small piece from his hand.

Twilight holds it in her magical grasp, levitating in front of her. It smelled... smoky. And like it had been cooked in some way so it was debatably safe to eat... Twilight closes her eyes and pops the strip into her mouth and begins to chew resolutely. After a few minutes she swallows.

“Very tough.” She comments. “But I agree, it’s very interesting. Maybe too salty, but that’s mostly my own preference.” Twilight nods to herself. “Not bad, though given the way it’s prepared, I can hardly tell that it’s meat, aside from the fact that the shape reminds me of bacon in a way.”

“Do cows talk? Cause I don’t want my food talking to me…”Colt said flatly.

“Cows are sapient, yes, but usually the way most civilized races get meat is from cattle who have applied to donate their bodies to that cause, similar to how others donate their corpses to scientific research.” Twilight explains. “While Earth ponies will rarely eat red meats, pegasi tend to only eat fish when it comes to animals, while unicorns who still hold onto the ‘old ways’ of before the uniting of the tribes, or are simply of higher status, consider eating any form of meat barbaric and primitive.”

“How do ponies taste?” Colt asked.

Twilight, finally understanding the concept that this ‘anon’ creature was similar to Discord in that it rarely made sense and that the best way to placate it would be to play along. Twilight simply sighed. “We taste... with our tongues.”

“Why?” Colt asked as he tilted his head sideways.

“Because that’s where our tastebuds are located.” Twilight replied matter-of-factly.

“Do moth ponies exist?”

A bit out of the metaphorical left field Twilight had to pause. “Uh... no, there are several subspecies of pony beyond pegasi, unicorns, and alicorns, including seaponies, but no, there are no insectoid variations of the pony species.”

“Why is Sun Butt princess?” Colt asked.

“Sun Butt? Who-” Twilight is interrupted by Spike.

“I think he means Princess Celestia.”

Twilight thought that over for a moment before scowling. “I will not tolerate you outright insulting my mentor or my friends, especially behind their backs!”

“Should I say it to her face?” Colt asked.

        Twilight’s scowl increased. “No, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

        “Fine, Twihard…”

        The creature had gone from provocative and childish to outright insulting in a matter of moments for no apparent reason, leaving Twilight at a loss of what to do. Aside from the obvious that is. “My name is Twilight Sparkle, or simply Twilight. I may not care for my title as princess very much, but I at least want the common courtesy of not being insulted in my own home.”

        “I wanna make a pillow fort, Spike you got any pillows and blankets?” Colt asked.

“No.” Twilight replied, stepping in front of Colt. “I don’t know who you are Anon, but you are being rude. The least you can do is apologize!”

“For giving you a nickname?” Colt questioned.

“For giving me a potentially demeaning nickname.” Twilight clarified. “I may not even know what the name is supposed to mean or imply but given your utter lack of respect for Princess Celestia, I can only assume you are treating me the same way you are treating her: With utter disrespect and hostility that was absolutely uncalled for.”

“Kay.” Colt stated.

Twilight pouted angrily. “No! Not ‘Kay’ at all, apologize!”

“Hmmmmm, nah.” Colt responded.

Twilight took several deep breaths before continuing. “I don’t know how your society is structured, but as long as you are a citizen of Equestria, you will follow our laws and societal norms. That includes apologizing for faults, especially intentional ones.”

“Life’s not perfect.” Colt replied.

“No, it’s not, which is why everypony should strive to make it at least nice if it can’t be perfect or fair, and that means being civil!” Twilight replied sternly. “If you continue to act rude and dismissive, I... I... I may take disciplinary measures.”

“By?” Colt inquired.

Twilight was no stranger to mild punishment, both giving and receiving but she wasn’t sure what would work on the creature. As she pondered a thought came to her. ‘If it works on puppies and doesn’t hurt them he should be fine.’ With that thought completed Twilight lit up her horn and lifted Colt into the air and shook him violently before setting him down.

“What the actual fuck was that? You could’ve broken my neck, how would you feel if I picked you up and shook you?”

“That is how mother dogs deal with misbehaving puppies. If you are going to act like a petulant child, you will be treated like one. Does your hundred-forty intelligence quotient allow you to understand cause and effect?” Twilight replied sternly.

“And this is how a murder happens.” Colt said flatly.

Twilight was taken aback before her eyes narrowed and wings shot open in defense. “Is that a threat!?”

“Do I look like I’m ready to fight? I’m sitting here still a little dizzy.” Colt said.

Twilight’s stance didn’t change. “Spike, what do you think?”

Spike had his arms folded across his chest. “Sounded like a threat to me.”

        “I will just go, this is only going to end in a fight, see ya!” Colt said as he stood to walk away from the alicorn and dragon.

        Colt walked out the door but is quickly followed by Twilight, with Spike riding on her back. “Oh no, you are not wandering off alone. If you insist that this ends, we can start over. After you apologize for insulting my mentor and threatening to kill me.”

        “I’d rather just go sit in a corner and have some alone time.” Colt responded.

        “Very well, you can do that inside my castle. There are plenty of corners to choose from.”

“Fine...Oh yeah, here Spike take the rest, I’m not hungry.” Colt said as he tossed Spike the bag of jerky.

Spike caught the bag and speared a piece of beef with his claw, biting it in half with little effort. “Thanksh! But you should shtill apologizche.”

“Meh…” Colt replied as he stalked off down the hall as he looked for a quiet room to sit in, one far away from Twilight.

Unfortunately that wasn’t an option as, by this point, Twilight was not going to leave the creature alone. She would give him space but he clearly shouldn’t be without supervision. She’d send another letter to Celestia as well.