Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes

Introducing Plum Peach

A young earth pony mare slowly trotted her way into town as the sun was just beginning to rise. Not one other soul to be seen on the lane of dust that you could call a street. She was pulling a small wooden cart built for one behind her. It was clearly homemade, with several nails carelessly poking from their holes as though the craftspony who was hammering them got a lame good halfway through the job and simply moved on to the next. At least two blocks of wood on the side of the cart were cracked, obviously from a pony who thought that pre-drilling holes were just a waste of time. The two pine wheels on the wagon wobbled odiously as the cart moved through the sand, one or two spokes missing on each wheel. It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that whoever built such a disgrace to wagons everywhere had no clue what he or she was doing. The only part of the cart that didn’t seem to be the inbred offspring of a wheelbarrow and a ramshackle wheelbarrow was the harness attaching the mare to the mobile mess of nails and wood. It had a fine leather cowling that fit snuggly around her waist as she trotted along.

As for the mare herself, she was an average sized plum purple mare, though some would say she was more of a boysenberry color than plum. She had disheveled eggplant hair which hinted at a more coiffured hair style from before, but now her hair simply hung down to her shoulders. She had the cutie mark of plum and a peach in a crystal chalice. A Quietly, she continued to trot into the desolate town, looking from left to right. She passed an empty library, post office, doctor’s office, and a gun store before coming to a halt in front of the saloon in the middle of the one avenue that ran straight through the middle of the town. She could also see a barber’s shop, trading post, police office and Inn in front of her. Every building looked to be made of new wood though there wasn't a tree to be seen for miles around. But that wasn’t the only peculiar thing; Plum Peach hadn’t seen even a hint of life anywhere in the small town. Sure it was early, but for nopony to be up at all was just strange. With a huff and a grunt she wriggled out of her harness and stretched her back. She drew her hoof over her forehead to flick the sweat off before completely shaking her entire body, causing a thin cloud of dust to float into the air.

“Hello!?” Plum called out to any pony within earshot. Her left ear perked up to listen for any reply but dropped after a few seconds. Plum kicked the sand in front of her and walking to the rear of her unique cart. Giving another small grunt she reached down and grabbed a map. Carefully, she unfolded it and laid it across the floor of her cart. She slowly traced her hoof across the map, following a thin red line that she had drawn on it previously.

“This place is on the map.” She mumbled to herself, stopping her hoof over a dot in the middle of a large desert.

“So why isn’t anypony here?” Plum asked herself, looking around the empty town. An eyebrow raised an inch above her eye before she gave a lazy shrug and folded the map back into it's original shape. As Plum was about pull a canteen of water out of her cart, the sound of shattering glass and running water erupted from the saloon next to her. Plum’s head swiveled immediately, her lilac eye scanning the windows to find whatever caused the noise. She stood there in silence for several long moments while the sound of running water continued. With light hoof-steps Plum slowly made her way towards the swinging doors of the saloon. When she reached the wood that made up the porch at the front she carefully pushed one of the doors open. For a split second Plum flinched at what she saw then relaxed and stood up straight. The saloon was empty. A shatter wine glass could be seen on the counter and as for source of the water sound, one of the taps were running, spilling dark brown alcohol onto the floor behind the counter. A large display of fine wines and liqueur were stacked all the way to the ceiling in a large oak cabinet without a door was just as long as half the bar counter. Next to it was a cabinet just a big filled with various different drinking glasses which explained the shattered wine glass. The bar stretched all the way to the back of the building, being stopped only by a staircase that must have to led to a second story. A small door was imbedded in the side of the staircase. Three tables were placed around the rest of the open room with chairs accompanying them. A piano was resting in the far left corner with a page of music resting on the white and black keys. There was a coat hanger just left of the entrance and under Plum’s hooves was a welcome mat that read “Sarsaparilla Soft’s Bloody Mare-y.”

“Anypony here?” Plum asked, looking around the room cautiously. When no reply came, she trotted over to the bar. She stopped in front of the still running tap and eyed the falling brown liquid with wide pupils, unconsciously licking her lips. With one last cautionary glance around the room Plum leaned forward and took a mouthful from the tap. As soon as she did her eyes squeezed shut and she reeled back and fell into the wine cabinet, making the glasses shriek and shudder. She spit it out her drink like it was poison and fell into a coughing fit, her eyes tearing up. A single raised and rubbed the back of her head where she hit the cabinet.

“Ow.” Plum pouted, spitting one extra time to get every drop out of her mouth.

“Who puts vodka on tap?” She asked again in a pathetic tone, still rubbing the back of her head.

“I wish this place had...some…” Plum Peach faded off when she looked up at the bounty of +at least a eighty bottles of wine and liqueur. Her pain was quickly forgotten as her lilac spheres scanned the rack. She picked herself off the floor and continued to scan the rack until her eyes fell upon a particular bottle. Her eyes sparkled as she reared up and grabbed the bottle. It was labeled “southern sweet rump.” It also had a subtitle that declared that this type of alcohol was, “For the mares with sweet rumps.”

Happily, Plum trotted over to the other cabinet with a cute wiggle in her rear. Casually, she nosed a beer stein glass off one of the lower shelves and tossed it up onto her head with practiced ease. With bottle in mouth and glass on head, Plum walked from out behind the counter and over to the table closest to the bar. She hummed a jolly tune and set the bottle down gently. She pulled out a chair, sat down and tossed the stein glass off of the top of her head and onto the table. Still humming, she leaned forward and poured herself a drink. She took a long sip of the drink, licking her lips happily and continuing her sipping.

•••

With a content smile spreading across her face Plum let out a cute little burp. The tap behind the bar counter was still spilling it’s brown liquid onto the floor. Plum hiccupped and laid her head down of the table, eyeing the empty bottle of Southern Sweet Rumps happily. With a full belly of liqueur Plum started to drift off into luna-land, her eyelids going down a little then popping back up before going down even further and further until her eyes were closed. Just as she was about to fall asleep Plum’s ears shot up when a voice came from out of the blue.

“You enjoy’in your drink young lady?” A feminine voice asked with a Trottingham accent and a southern speech pattern.

“Mmm-hmm.” Plum Peach replied with a lackadaisical, gleeful tone, her eyes still closed. What came next was a loud ‘click-clack’ and a heavy thunk. Plum’s eyes shot open in fear, her head turning to see an azure blue mare with silver hair pointing a shotgun directly at her, using the railing as a brace. She wore a light yellow dress with lace seams and had a cold stare locked right on Plum. Plum screamed, jumping out of her seat and ducking behind the table.

“Gimme one real good reason I shan’t pump you full’a led thief.” The blue mare said, slowly making her way down the steps.

“W-w-wait! I-I’m not a thief! I didn't think anypony was here so I just took some of my favorite drink! I-I have bits in my cart. Please don’t kill me!” Plum couldn’t have said her words any faster. Her hooves were high in the air trembling.

“That’s what a thief is!” The blue mare deadpanned.

“Just. Don’t kill me.” Plum pleaded with a wavering voice, pinching her eyes shut.

“Well. You don’t look like a thief.” The mare said, reaching the bottom of the steps. She took her shotgun off of the stair railing and let it hang on her side by it’s sling.

“You said you’ve got money in’a cart?” The blue mare asked, her expression softening to a more quizzical look.

“Uh-huh! I promise, as Celestia as my witness that I’ll pay for whatever I took.” Plum said, opening one eye. The blue mare just looked at her, several quiet, awkward moments going by before she spoke again.

“Nah. You’re an okay lady. First one’s free for you.” The blue mare finally said, giving Plum a reassuring smile.

“So you’re, uh, not going to kill me.” Plum asked, opening both eyes and peering over the table with teary eyes.

“Nah. I won’t kill ya. I paid for this place, stocked it to the brim with every kinda drink in this side of Equestria and haven’t gotten a single customer in two weeks. Shan’t kill me first.” The mare trotted over to Plum and gestured her to come out from behind the table. “An it ain’t like you did anything more than- what in the wet saddles!” The blue shrieked, staring over at the bar.

“What!? What is it!?” Plum yelped, shrinking away from the mare with a shotgun.

“Bloody. Ya went an broke one of my wine glasses. What, and was turning off the tap too much of a struggle for you!?” The blue mare complained, pointing at the bar with scowl.

“T-that wasn’t me! The glass was broken when I came in!” Plum said.

“Oh really? Then who did, a changeling?” The blue mare rolled her eyes in disbelief.

“I swear!” Plum continued, stomping her hoof lightly. The blue mare didn’t respond. She trotted over to the tap and flicked it up, ending the steady stream of alcohol.

“There must be a gallon at least.” She grumbled under breath. She took in one long breath and then let out an even longer exhale before turning to Plum.

“What’s your name?” She asked, waving her over to the bar.

“Um, Plum Peach, but the order is interchangeable.” Plum said, slowly making her way over to the bar.

“Well Ms. Peach-” The blue mare was almost immediately cut off.

“Why do you assume I’m not engaged?” Plum scoffed with an offended raised hoof.

“Cause ya aren't. And cause ya not really in the right predicament to be gettin offended.” The blue mare scolded in a deadpan tone.

Plum lowered her head. “Sorry.” She whispered.

“Anyway. Ms. Plum, could you reach up and get that glass right there, the red one with hearts on it?” The blue mare continued what she was trying to ask earlier, pointing to a particularly big red glass. Plum opened her mouth like she was about to ask why but decided against it. Without another word, Plum reared up on her hind legs and reached up to grab the glass. Her hooves stopped just two rows short of the cup. She tried jumping but still couldn't reach it.

“I can’t reach it. How did you even get it up there?” Plum asked, cocking her head with a confused look.

“A ladder. I just wanted ta see if you were a unicorn or not. I guess you didn’t knock over the glass. I keep the wine glasses at the top.” The blue mare said, chuckling softly. Plum stared at her like she was insane, her mouth agape. Her teeth were immaculately white with nary a stain to be seen.

“Are you retarded!?” Plum growled, blowing air through her mouth accompanied with a heavy stomp of her hoof.

“No. I ain't! And don’t go using that word! I just wanted to see if you were a unicorn cause some of ‘em will disguise their horns when they come down here. But ya got right to use that word.” The blue mare met Plum’s attitude with equal opposition while scolding her like a foal.

“Oh not you! That word is the clinical defi- did you say unicorns disguise their horns?” Plum started out rolling her eyes with a annoyed and haughty tone before changing to surprise in the split of a second.

“Yeah. I’ve seen two. A mare and a stallion both with invisible horns. Them two said it was to avoid trouble. And your pearly whites there are bright shiny giveaways of posh unicorn life. Where you from anyhow?” The blue mare asked, sweeping the broken glass off of the counter and into a trash can at the end of the bar.

“I’m from Fort Trotterdale, up north.” Plum said, struggling with whether to be proud or nervous.

“Ah, a unicorn city. No wonder you act like that?” The blue mare said with a smirk.

“Act like what?” Plum asked, stomping her hoof again.

“Like that. You’re so prissy. Heck, you nearly jumped outa your fur when you saw me.” The mare said, chuckling.

“Ha. Ha. Sorry I don’t enjoy staring down the barrels of guns.” Plum said sarcastically. She rolled her eyes and turned towards the swinging doors.

“You know what? I’m going to go. It was nice talking with you.” Plum said, beginning to trot to the door.

“Hey, hey! Don’t go! Look, Peach Plum, I’m sorry. You’re obviously not a prissy unicorn-abe. Heck, I’m the one wearing a dress while you're all natural.” The mare called after Plum, reaching out at the plum colored mare before gesturing to her yellow dress. Plum turned and looked at her in perplexment. Several questions were running through her head. Why was this mare trying to keep her here? Why was there no other ponies? How did this mare have a Trottingham accent but a southern twang? Would it really hurt to get shot? All these questions whizzed through Plum’s noggin as she took in the entire scene before her. But one question in particular stood out that she just had to know the answer to.

“What in Equestria is a unicorn-ah-bee?” Plum asked, cocking her head to the left, her ears flopping down.

“Oh? It’s just’a pegasus or earth pony that acts like a unicorn.” The azure mare stated simply.

“Right. I’m going to go.” Plum said, exaggerating her movements as she turned around to leave.

“Wait. I thought you were going to stay?” The mare asked in frustration.

“I’m just going to go get a room at the inn. I’ll be back.” Plum said.

“There’s nopony there. No innkeeper.” the blue mare said, raising a single brow.

“Oh. Um, then I’ll leave some bits on the front desk and find a ro-” Plum couldn't finish.

“There’s no front desk. Or furniture of any kind. The owner hasn’t come to town yet and no furnitures' been delivered.” The mare said, raising a hoof in a shrug.

“Is there anypony here besides you?” Plum asked, looking around absently.

“There’s the sheriff. That’s it.” The mare said, trotting over to a table and sitting down.

“Then who built this place!?” Plum whined, looking at the ceiling in frustration.

“Come’n sit down an I’ll tell ya.” The blue mare said, pointing at the chair Plum had been sitting in previously. Plum blew air out of her nose and trudged over to the chair before plopping down across from the azure mare.

“Okay. I’m sitting. So who built this place? The sheriff?” Plum questioned, glancing at the empty bottle of sweet rumps.

“It was a bunch’a royal soldiers. Celestia thinks that the best way ta get ponies settled in the south is to build up these here towns and sell the buildings to random ponies. I would think a pony from a unicorn city would know.” The blue mare explained, leaning forward and resting her hooves on the table.

“Nope. We don’t really pay much attention to the south.” Plum said in a bored tone, circling the rim of the empty bottle with her hoof.

“You actually like that stuff?” The mare, who was way too intrigued in such small talk, asked cocking her head a tad.

“Huh? Sweet rumps? Oh yeah. It’s sweet and doesn’t burn like that putrid vodka you have on tap over there.” Plum said, closing her eyes in memory of her favorite drink then pointing angrily at the tap that had now been turned off.

“Ms. Peach, my name is Sarsaparilla Soft. I grew up makin and sellin alcoholic drink and can guarantee without a shadow of’a doubt that vodka is not brown.” Sarsaparilla chuckled, face hoofing with laughter.

Plum Peach’s cheeks grew bright red, even through her plum coat. She put her hooves in her lap and looked off to the left in embarrassment.

“Oh.”