Profound Pony Purgatory Paradise

Asshole; prick; dick; jerk; spiteful; rude; condescending; facetious; mischievous; acrimonious; ill-mannered; impolite; discourteous; unmannerly; vulgar; provocative; obscene; vile. The list goes on, like seriously, you should see this thing; it's like they took the whole damn dictionary and threw every single insult related word on here. Here, let me keep going: disrespectful; profane; blasphemous; impudent; cheeky; shameless; audacious; evil; immoral; seductive; indecent; unbecoming; inappropriate; out-of-line; wrong; perverted; pig; incongruous; sick; twisted; disturbed; oh wait, this ones my favorite, wicked. I'm sure you can already guess that these aren't the....'nicest' of words to use when describing someone, however, every one of these words has been applied or implied when mentioning me at one point or another in my life.

See, I'm not the nicest person you'll meet, but I try to stay true and keep things real with others, even if it means I get a little bit of hate for doing so. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not as bad as I've been made out to be. I mean, I can be caring or thoughtful or whatever the good words are, its just, I've always been a 'me person' as I call it. My last girlfriend was an abusive, obnoxious, lying, sack of shit; but if there was anything worthwhile that she taught me, its that I should always put myself before anyone else. Thanks Stephanie. I hope you rot in hell for the shit you put me through. Enough of that, that's irrelevant. So I guess I'll start from that day, the day that I died. Yep, I'm dead. Wow! How cliché!

I was, or am, I don't really know anymore; a twenty year old male, old enough to fuck yet still too young to drink, not like that ever stopped me. I wasn't the ugliest of people but I also wasn't George Clooney, then again, I'm not really your average Joe either; my numerous string of relationships in the past (if you could call them that) speaks for that. I'm a college student, I was hoping to receive a PhD in psychology, parapsychology, and forensic psychology; yeah, the asshole has his priorities straight. I was just going to study at my dorm the way I usually do before I got a text message from my best friend Jonathan.

'Hey fag, wanna come with me and Elliot tonight to have a few drinks or are you gonna be a pussy and stay dorm?' Yeah, that's right, even my friends are about as evil as I am. Seeing as I had been studying for awhile now I decided to take him up on his offer. I hit him back with a 'Fuck yeah!' and not even fifteen minutes later he shot me another text to come outside. He chose the perfect vehicle, a 2013 Dodge Challenger, and of course I was to sit in the back, I always sat in the back with Jonathan occasionally trying to shut the door on my foot. Jonathan is a nice guy, really, but most of the time he's just another dick like me. See, Jonathan's father walked out on him and his mother when he found out she was pregnant, shortly after giving birth Jonathan's mom died of a heart attack leaving him to be raised by an abusive aunt and uncle. Now he's 27 with absolutely no fucks to give for anything or anyone other than himself, he's an inspiration, I want to be just like him when I grow up.

Elliot though, he was always a problem child, by the age of 19 he had dropped out of high-school; had two kids each with a different spouse; and made a living as a 'professional' criminal. Now he's 24 and still makes a living doing any crime; grand theft; larceny; extortion; drug trafficking; human trafficking; arson; bankruptcy fraud; embezzlement;bribery; false claims of pensions; you name it, he's done it, everything except murder. What is Elliot's problem? His parents were both rich and he just acted out because of it, you know typical 'rich kid' stereotype. I really know how to choose my friends huh? Well, you heard their problems, what's mine? Nothing really, I'm just an asshole who's tired of playing 'Mr. Niceguy' all his life and getting kicked down for it, now I do the kicking.

“So, where we going?” I asked as I sat in the back of the car, uncomfortable might I add.

“Well seeing as your not old enough to get into any usual bars, there's only one other place we can go.” Elliot replied as he searched his phone for a song to play as we cruised through the calm night.

“You mean Hell On Earth? Fuck yeah!”

Hell On Earth was a bar not literally around the corner from my college, and it was the perfect place for demons like us, Jonathan was good with the owner so I always got in without any problems.

“The only catch is, you pay first round,” Jonathan laughed as he pulled into a handicap parking spot and killed the engine. “Look, they reserved you a spot Elliot.”

“Fuck you Jonathan,” Elliot laughed as he tried to punch Jonathan in the gut as he quickly got out of the car and shut the door. Elliot got out and flipped the seat forward for me as I exited. “Keep making jokes like that Johnny boy and you'll be leaving here tonight as a cripple.”

“If I ever became a cripple just fuckin shoot me.”

“Gladly,” I chimed in as I shut the door to the Challenger, in doing so I caused Jonathan's face to contort into an expression of discomfort.

“Easy fag, I don't need you hurting my baby.”

“Funny, I bet you that's not what your dad said when he asked the doctor to abort your ass,” I shot back with a smug grin. To most, the comment I just made would be seen as 'insensitive' or just plain wrong, but that's how me and my friends joked with each other; we were the scourge of the earth, and we loved every minute of it.

'Hell On Earth; sinners only.'

This was the sign that was posted on the front door of the bar, possibly my favorite feature of the bar altogether. Hell On Earth, or heaven as I called it, was where all the scum and rejects of society came to hang out; everyone was usually making dark or extremely vulgar jokes, usually jokes that 'normal' people wouldn't even dare to think let alone speak. It was perfect for people of our...social standing. The bar was rowdy as usual with what sounded like metal was playing over some speakers, it illuminated with its red hue as it always did as my friends and I entered literal hell on earth. The three of us made our way over to the bar and took a seat on some stools, we were soon greeted by my second favorite reason for coming to this bar: Alice.

Alice was a girl of stunning beauty, a flirtatious blonde who was never one to kiss and tell, though if you got her drunk enough I'm sure you'd receive a bit more than just a kiss. Alice recognized us and immediately lit up with a smile, more than likely because of me though. Me and Alice aren't a couple, just a few one night stands and this amazing party she threw me for my 20th birthday; just typical friends with benefits and my god what a friend she was.

“If it isn't my favorite glorious bastards,” Alice began in her southern accent as she pulled out three shot glasses and placed one each in front of us. “Hey, Alex, haven't seen you in awhile, been reading up on them college books?”

“Our little college boy is growing up so fast,” Elliot joked as he smacked me on the back of my head, he hit me pretty hard causing me to wince in pain.

“At least I can read dumbass, your ass struggles to read a damn restaurant menu.”

“Fuck you,” Elliot laughed.

“So, what will it be fellas?” Alice asked as she grabbed two large bottles from behind the bar, one Tequila and the other a bottle of Vodka. “Do you want to not wake up in the morning?” she raised the the Tequila bottle in her left hand. “Or, do you wanna have a good time?” When Alice asked this she gave me a subtle wink.

“Well, I don't know about these douchebags but,” I raised my glass and returned Alice's wink, “I think I wanna have an amazing night that I won't remember.” Alice raised an eyebrow at me, her smile widening.

“As you wish,” Alice pulled out a second glass and slid it over to me, she then filled one of my glasses up with Tequila and the other Vodka. “I don't know about remembering this night, but this will make you forget your whole week.”

“I'll have what he's havin!” Elliot exclaimed as he watched me slam down my two now empty glasses after inhaling the alcohol they once held

“What about you John?”

“Thanks Alice,” Jonathan said as he returned his glass to the bartender. “But I'll take a beer, I'm DD tonight.”

Jonathan always did try somewhat to be the responsible one of us three, but Elliot knew just as well as I did, after a few beers, Jonathan was always open to a little 'persuasion'; and could a few shots of mixed alcohol persuade.

Time flies by when your having fun, or when your doing body shots with a gorgeous, big breasted, southern bartender. I'm not sure how much time had past, but I do know that I was all kinds of fucked up after drinking. Of course I realized at the worst time that I had classes in the morning and informed my friends, Jonathan said we'd leave after just 2 more shots, but those 2 seemed to last forever. After what seemed like an eternity, I managed to pull my two drunken friends away from the bar and lead them to the exit.

“Bye Alice,” I called out as I pushed the my two idiot friends out the entrance of the bar. “You know I'd love to stay babe, but school and whatnot.”

“Go on and get your education Alex, hey, are any of ya'll capable of driving?”

“Yeah, I am,” I lied as I tried my best to stand up straight, keeping my balance seemed like the most difficult task I had ever come across. “Anyways I'm gonna head out.”

“You be careful sugar cube,” Alice called back as I stumbled toward the exit. “I'd hate to lose such a great friend and customer.”

As I exited the bar, I spotted two bumbling idiots entering the Challenger without any difficulties, I guess they had already given me the task if driving because Jonathan had kicked Elliot to the back and was sitting in the passenger seat with the keys in the ignition and the motor running I entered the driver seat and shut the door, upon doing so, a strong scent stung my nose as I rolled up the window on both the passenger door and the driver door. It was a scent I was familiar with, a scent I loved and had not smelt in awhile, the smell of marijuana.

“Is that why I'm driving?” I asked as I looked over at Elliot and Jonathan who were giggling to themselves, Jonathan with the cigarillo in his mouth as he took a hit. “Booze and weed? You sure its not my birthday?”

“Shut up and take a hit fucker,” Jonathan laughed as he passed me the thick cigar like stick. I put the cigarillo in my mouth and inhaled, a bliss of mint rested in my mouth as I felt the weed smoke fill my lungs; I exhaled with a grin and passed it back to Elliot. “I love those mint flavored rillos. Alright, lets go home.” I put the car in drive and pulled out from the bar parking spot and drove on to the main road. I stopped at a red light and waited patiently, when it turned green and I continued to drive, Elliot and Jonathan began to get annoying.

“Here Alex, your turn,” Jonathan said as he tried to pass me the rillo. “Take it bro, can't fuck up the rotation.”

“Yeah brooo,” Elliot slurred as he kicked the back of my seat, pissing me off in the process. “Can't fuck up the rotation.”

“Just give it to Elliot, I'm busy driving.” I can usually multitask, but being both drunk and high as well as me having a heavy foot did not make for a good combination when driving. I was struggling to keep from swerving as well as trying to keep my eyes open, weed would only make me tired. “Just.......keep it going without me.”

“Come on Alex, you know you can't fuck up the rotation man, its sacred.”

“Yeah man sacred,” Alex added in.

“Okay,” I said as I looked back at Elliot, my face becoming red with anger. “First off, your just repeating what Jonathan says, and second, stop kicking my god damn chair!”

“I'll stop kicking the chair if you hit it!” Elliot snapped back with an intoxicated laugh.

“Yeah come on, just hit it Alex.” What annoyed me was the fact that both of these idiots began chanting now for me to smoke.

“Hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it,” I was trying to focus on the road and tell them to shut up at the same time. Their chanting began to increase in volume, causing me to get angrier and press on the gas harder. “Hit it! Hit it! Hit it! Hit it!” I had just about enough with the two drunk fools, I snapped on them and exploded, now I'm wishing that I just hit the blunt.

“Jesus Christ will you both just shut the fuck u--" I never even finished my sentence, all I remember was the loud screeching of tires, a blaring truck horn, and the shattering of glass. I felt a strong pain in my head, then my neck, then I felt the pain ring throughout all of my body; everything was a blur, after which everything went black.

I awoke, at least, that's what I called it, in an endless plain of gray with white smoke emanating from the ground, there was not a soul in sight, and I was cold; but besides that, it was quiet. I could hear my own breathing , as I stood there in the gray, the cold began to intensify causing my teeth to chatter as I wrapped my arms around my body to keep myself warm. I felt the temperature drop rapidly, the quick change caused me to blurt out the first thing that came to mind.

“Jesus Christ!”

“Not even close.”

I whirled around when I heard a voice respond to my comment, it was calm yet powerful and had a sense of high class social standing; I’m not sure how to explain it, it was soothing almost mesmerizing. When I followed the voice to its source I was greeted by the presence of a handsome middle-aged man wearing a suit of red velvet with a black tie, his black hair was slicked back and he sported a cane of dark oak with a golden handle, the handle being this badass looking skull.

“I guess your doing well for yourself,” I said to the man through chattering, trying to speak louder than the noise I was making.

“Oh more than you know Alexander, and it’s all thanks to you.” I immediately was shocked upon the man mentioning my name, but rather than questioning him, he continued speaking. “You see Alex, I’ve been watching you for awhile now. You; your two friends; that beautiful girl at the bar; there are countless sinners in this world, but I take no better pleasure at watching them as I do with you.”

“Who—who the hell are you and how do you know my name?”

“Even if I told you it wouldn’t matter, you’re an atheist you wouldn’t believe in me anyway.”

“I’m agnostic, there’s a difference.”

“A difference which is so miniscule it practically be nonexistent.” The man walked slowly in my direction and began circling me, watching me. “How rude of me,” the man tapped his cane on the ground twice and I immediately felt warmth, it was then I realized I was wearing a large fur coat. “I forgot you were cold.” The man stopped in front of me and eyed my shocked expression, laughing softly as he did. “Your stunned I’m sure, but your no longer inside the realm of reality. Your currently on the other side of the living and I’m hear to claim my payment.”

“Wait, you mean—?”

“Yup, your dead kid.” The color drained from my face which caused the man to place a hand on my shoulder, his touch was hot almost scalding, I quickly took his hand off and stepped back. “Oh, you think that’s hot? You have no idea what your in for.” The man tapped his cane on the ground, three times this time around, I heard a loud cracking behind me, earth shattering almost. I turned around to see the ground had been split down the middle and below it was a pit of boiling lava along with spewing flames and anguished cries of pain and agony; I felt the warm touch return again as the man returned his hand to my shoulder. “Your one of my favorite sinners Alex, and I want you bad; I’d be willing to pay a million dollars for your soul with how bad I want it, and I get what I want. Welcome to Hell.” The man gave me a shove, I tried to keep my balance but failed miserably. Luckily my reflexes were good and I caught hold of the ledge before I plummeted into the flames.

“Are you fuckin crazy!? I don’t belong in Hell!”

“Au contraire my devious and sinful friend,” the man squatted and tapped me lightly on the head with the end of his cane. “You are one of, if not the biggest assholes and or wicked persons in the world; when you see human suffering, misfortunes or tragedies, your first response is to pull up a chair, grab some popcorn, and crack open a beer. Being evil has a price Alex, and it’s about high time you paid.”

I felt something grab one of my dangling legs, something that burned my skin. I could feel my grip slipping, I eyed the man who stared back at me with a grin as he stood up, he brought his leg up and prepared to stomp on my hands. If he did that, then my grip would surely give way and I’d plummet to the deepest depths of Hell, thank God that didn’t happen.

“Lucifer!”

I heard a loud voice boom, it was feminine yet retained a tone of power and superiority which surprised me greatly; yeah, I also think feminism and woman’s rights are a joke, maybe now you see why I’m destined for Hell. Upon hearing the voice, the man who I identified as Lucifer or the devil now sighed with discontent.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t show,” he began as he turned his back to me, I assumed he was talking to someone though from my angle I couldn’t see who. “What do you want? I’m a bit busy here as I’m sure you can tell.”

“You know He decreed that this man’s soul be spared from your clutches, he is offered redemption.”

“And you think he’s going to repent? Really? Even if he did, Heaven’s a bit crowded don’t you think?”

“Let him up Lucifer, or need I do it myself?”

“Fine, fine,” Lucifer tapped his cane on the ground three times again and I felt myself rise from the crevice in the ground. I watched as it sealed itself shut and I fell on my stomach, I was floating pretty high so when I fell that shit hurt. “Loosen up Celeste, or do you prefer I call you by your other name?” It was then that I realized who Lucifer was talking to, as hard to believe as this sounds it was a large white horse with a sharp, long horn and angelic wings and a rainbow-ish flowing mane. I rubbed my eyes a few times as I slowly rose to my feet.

“I bid you farewell now Lucifer, your assistance is no longer required here.”

“Of course, but know this,” Lucifer turned to me and pointed his cane at my breast. “There lies no heart within his chest, you can give him a thousand do overs and the results will still be the same. You’ll be mine Alex, the sooner you accept that, the sooner I can show you a tour of your new home.” With a tap of his cane again, Lucifer burst into a pile of flames leaving behind nothing but a pile of ash.

“This can’t be happening,” I stammered in disbelief, “I know what happened, I got in a car accident and now I’m in a coma.”

“I’m afraid not,” the horse spoke, trying to calm my nerves with a soft smile. “I’m afraid you are dead and now await judgement. I am Celeste, the overseer of souls which have been given a chance at redemption.”

“So if that guy was the devil…then…are you God?”

“Oh heavens no,” Celeste laughed as she raised a hoof over her mouth, I don’t know why. “I am a seraph, and you have been chosen.”

‘Oh god, not the ‘chosen one’ cliché, don’t tell me I’m the only one who can save humanity or something from destruction because if so she can send me to Hell now.’

“You have not led the purists of lives and have sinned more times than even God can count,” Celeste raised a brow as she watched my face contort into a grin. “You have been given a second chance to atone for your sins, for if you do, you will be granted access into the kingdom of Heaven.”

“And if I don’t than I’ll be damned to Hell right?”

“You will atone for your sins.”

“Hold on, are you asking me or telling me?” I asked on the defensive, Angel or not this bitch was not about to tell me what to do.

“I only say this because I see good in your heart.”

“Aw that’s cute, you think there’s still a heart in this body,” I said hitting my chest lightly. “I hate to break it to you Sea biscuit, but my heart froze over and shattered years ago.”

“That is what you believe, but there is more to it than you think. You will be placed in purgatory, a new world where you will make peace with your inner demons and learn the importance of others.” I erupted in laughter when she mentioned the ‘importance of others’ thing, I just thought it was fuckin hilarious. “This is going to be more difficult than I thought, but I have faith in you. I will monitor your progress, but keep an eye out, Lucifer will try to tempt you. If you need guidance, I shall not be very far.”

My laughing stopped as I raised my hands to shield my eyes from a blinding light which was coming from Celeste’s horn. There was a low hum which began to rise, when it reached it’s crescendo, I felt my body go numb, and then everything turned white.

I can’t recall much after that but I heard something, a muffled noise, a voice, I couldn’t tell what it was saying but it was trying to get my attention. When I opened my eyes I raised a hand to cover my face from the sun’s rays, but when I looked at my hand I noticed it wasn’t a hand, it was a hoof. A god damn horse hoof.

“Are ya comin or what?”

I sat up from where I had laid spread out on the grass, an elderly looking small gray horse with a white beard and pipe in his mouth stared back at me. He sat atop a wagon of hay being drawn by two other light brown looking stallions, they were muscular and well built.

“Where to old-timer?” I asked as I stood up, I realized something then, I was walking on all fours like a dog, I had hooves instead of hands……I still get can’t over that. I stood for a moment shocked, but seeing as I already died moments before, met the devil face to face, almost fell into Hell, and had apparently met a talking horse, I just shrugged it off. Nothing really surprised me anymore.

“Did ya hear me youngin?” the old horse repeated, I guess he had been talking to me while I zoned out. He had a southern accent which added to his features. “I said we was headin to that there town over yonder.” The stallion pointed a wrinkled hoof at the town in the distance. “So are ya comin or what?”

“Meh, what the hell?” I shrugged as I jumped on to the back of the wagon and sat down in the hay, it wasn’t the most comfortable of seats. “Damn, got anything more painful?” I asked, sarcasm oozing over my words.

“Whaddya say?” he asked as he raised a hoof to his ear in an attempt to hear better, he leaned close to me and then I realized something: I like his straw hat. So I snatched it from him and rested it upon my head as I laid down in the hay, using it to shield my face from the sunlight. He shot me a glare when I did, but as long as he didn’t try to take the hat back I knew I wouldn’t have to fight him.

“Hey I’m gonna take a nap so wake me when we get to the town, okay?” I heard another ‘what’ from the horse as I felt the wagon jerk forward; I could tell he didn’t hear me. For some reason I found myself exhausted, guess a day of insanity could do that to you.

I’d say I was asleep for an hour or so, the town was at least a couple miles away and the speed we were going at wasn’t record breaking, I more than likely would’ve complained if I wasn’t asleep. I began to awaken from my slumber as I heard multiple voices and the clamoring of hooves against the ground, it sure sounded busy. I lifted up the straw hat from my face to catch a glimpse of the town, it was brightly colored with even brighter residents to match; everyone appeared to have a smile on their faces as they walked around the town; several fruit, food, and other vendors had stands set up, selling valuables of all kinds. I eyed some pretty delicious looking fruit stands which I knew I had to try.

“Well youngin, we’re here,” the elderly horse said as the wagon came to a stop.

“And where be here exactly?” I asked as I hopped out of the wagon and stretched my legs and gave my neck a relaxing crack.

“Ponyville I think, mah memory ain’t what it used to be,” the horse, or I guess pony now, scratched the top of his balding scalp as he genuinely struggled to recall the name of the town. Of course at this point I honestly didn’t give a shit and was more concerned with feeding my now growling stomach; but I stopped in my tracks as I heard the old pony call me back. “Hey there youngin!”

“Look if this is about the hat it’s mine now and I have no interest in—”

“No, no,” he began as he waved a hoof in the air. “I was just wondering if you could spare some Bits so’s me and my boys here can eat?”

“And why would I do that? Whether they eat doesn’t matter to me.”

“Well I just figured since I done gave you a lift is all, any amount of Bits will do.”

“And if I refuse?” I asked as I gave a bit of a chuckle with my question.

“Well there’s nothin I can really do, I mean it’s not like anyone but the princess enforces the law around here. Most ponies in this here town are usually quite friendly and it’s not often that anypony breaks the rules, it’s just common courtesy.”

“Whoa, rewind gramps,” I began as I approached the wagon once more to hear the gray pony better. “You mean to tell me that no laws are really enforced here and that only a princess who is probably too busy to worry about such things is the only figure of authority?”

“Yeah huh.”

“And if a really wicked or mean horse….err, pony were to break the law they would actually face little to no negative repercussions for their actions because laws are seen more as guidelines than actually rules?”

“Whaddya say? You’ll have to speak up, my hearing ain’t what it used to be?”

“Wicked and merciless Lucifer you’ve transported me to paradise!” I exclaimed as I stood on my hind legs and threw my front arms in the air in a fit of joy. “I don’t have to atone for my sins,” I began as I left the wagon and wondered further into the town. “I can just continue living in this pony purgatory and exploit it for my own personal gain!” I passed a nearby window and gave myself a glance, I was a beige light brown pony with black hair that grew out in every direction. I looked deep into my eyes which had undergone a color change and were now red, staring into them, I let an evil grin form on my face before continuing on my way. “Hehe, I’m going to burn this fucker to the ground.”